Trillion Ton Iceberg That Just Broke Off From Antarctica Was Obviously Just Trying To Buy NBC » VSB

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Trillion Ton Iceberg That Just Broke Off From Antarctica Was Obviously Just Trying To Buy NBC

This is the only reasonable explanation for why a chunk of ice the size of Delaware is currently lurking untethered near the Antarctic Peninsula; floating around all unbothered and harnessless and free like Rihanna. Not global warming or any other extinction-level, SCARY-AS-THE-MOTHERFUCKING-FUCK shit outlined in this nightmare-inducing NY Mag story about the doomed Earth. (And how the doom might happen much, much sooner — and might be much more, for lack of a better term, “biblical” — than we’ve assumed.) Not the Earth collectively side-eyeing America for electing the teeth and tongue and fingertip-staining crumbs found at the bottom of a bag of Cheetos to lead us. Not God getting annoyed with us ignoring His requests for us to do the dishes and protect the rainforests and thinking “Maybe if I change the damn map tomorrow morning, these niggas will finally listen.”

No, the iceberg was interested in buying NBC. It planned to make NBC a more iceberg-friendly network — featuring shows and series devoted to uplifting the iceberg community and depicting the nuanced totality of the iceberg existence — and even had the capital and the resources to make it happen. And then, boom. They broke it off. Literally.

Anyway, this is clearly what happened. There’s nothing else to see here.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • cysinblack

    Earth will make itself uninhabitable due to the stress we’re putting on her.

    • it will uninhabitable for humans. Something will think all these people bones are quite nice to feast on.

      • cysinblack

        Laughs. Rather think 12 Monkeys where the animals are able to roam the surface.

  • Bring on the apocalypse. We had a heII of a run on this planet. Time to give it to back the roaches. At least they work together.

  • BrothasKeeper

    Where’s that asteroid?

    • cysinblack

      The cloud factory hasn’t built one yet.

  • “No, the iceberg was interested in buying NBC”

    The iceberg should have gone for that zionist money.

  • BrothasKeeper

    That iceberg wasn’t like the others. It was clean. And well-spoken.

    • Hi Brotha! *waves*

    • Where are those other icebergs don’t have fathers?

    • Sigma_Since 93

      If only that iceberg had been compliant; the herd wouldn’t have cast it aside.

    • Val

      It’s amazing how Joe Biden was able to live that down.

      • miss t-lee

        *Clean and articulate!

        • Mary Burrell

          As opposed to dirty and inarticulate? ?

          • miss t-lee

            Those were Biden’s words, not mine. :)

          • miss t-lee

            I think he was going for clean cut, but that’s not how the quote went.

      • Mary Burrell

        Didn’t he say when he was talking about Obama being light skinned and articulate or something stupid that white people say when describing black people? I like Joe Biden and try not to hold that against him but I can’t help thinking this is how we are perceived by the dominant culture.

      • LilMissSideEye

        He only lived it down because Obama so publicly forgave him via asking him to be VP.

        Biden’s a good example of someone who genuinely seemed to evolve, rather than just paying lip service. Like, he was never truly going to be down, but once he was on the ticket, he showed nothing but the utmost love and respect for the First Family, and that won him a heck of a lot of goodwill.

    • cedriclathan

      LOL

  • TrollPoison

    I dislike NBC. I hope Megyn Kelly is getting paid in shares of Snap.

    • MakesMeWannaShoopShoopShoop

      Then Steve King can take that money and build the wall.

  • outlyer06

    as a gamer…i’ve been preparing for the Apocalypse for years

    • So your canned foods, MRE’s and baby wipes are in full abundance?

      • outlyer06

        along with bullets, a few guns, seeds, more rice then 1 person can possibly use (legally) a bug out kit that i keep for rainy days…and a healthy knowledge in disaster preparedness…
        don’t play with me…i know that you’re being sarcastic…but i am a real life prepper…

        • I wasn’t being sarcastic actually.

        • Monica Harris

          But do you really still wanna be around when the world ends?

          • outlyer06

            depends…if we can rebuild…then yeah i’d like to live long enough to help contribute to a new age…but maybe not so much if we’re all out here living like mad max…lol..

            • Monica Harris

              Lol true. It does depend on who’s left behind

  • NomadaNare

    So were all moving to the Midwest right

    • We don’t want y’all..lol

      • NomadaNare

        Im already here

        Youre stuck with me

      • Sigma_Since 93

        I thought you loved us!!!

        • What do you call a refreshing, carbonated beverage? *test*

          • Sigma_Since 93

            With or without liquor??

            • Good day, sir!

              • Sigma_Since 93

                It’s a fair question. My mind went to a tonic or fizz since liquor is refreshing….especially after a hard day at work with your co-workers in which you want to *signal lost*

                • Sweet Potato Kai ?

                  Fizz? Where do they use that word?

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    You’ve never heard of a slow gin fizz??

                    A “fizz” is a mixed drink variation on the older sours family of cocktail. Its defining features are an acidic juice (such as lemon or lime) and carbonated water.

                    • Sweet Potato Kai ?

                      But I mean yes, but she was asking what do you call soda. I never heard anyone call it fizz. And yes it’s soda, not pop.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I was keying in on the word carbonation since she asked for a refreshing carbonated beverage. A fizz contains carbonation and they are refreshing. I knew where she was trying to go, I was just being coy.

                    • Sweet Potato Kai ?

                      Roger that. It’s still soda tho!

                    • Cheech

                      Sloe gin fizz. Sloe gin is a syrupy liqueur made with elderberries.

          • BrothasKeeper

            Lunch.

          • Lucille A Bluth

            Midwest entrance test:
            1. What is a carbonated beverage called?
            2. What goes with fried catfish?

    • miss t-lee

      Never.

      • Val

        I thought Texas was in the midwest? No?

        • You tried it!! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey boo!

          • Val

            Hiya, NWT! How are you?

        • miss t-lee

          You’re trying to be funny I see.
          Texas is Texas. But we’re touching Mexico, so we’re definitely the South.

          • Val

            :-)

    • Val

      Midwest Canada maybe.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        I hear the healthcare is good round dem parts

  • The way I belly-laughed reading your headline!!!

    That iceberg is what’s wrong with these other icebergs… you start giving them open sea and then they all want to go rogue.

    • BrothasKeeper

      That iceberg needs to be put in its place….knocked down a peg or two.

      • God forbid Black Ice comes through with a rope and hot water.

        • miss t-lee

          Sky high! Sky high!

          • Anthony Thomas

            Got to it before I did….

            • miss t-lee

              *daps*

              • Anthony Thomas

                It is Goodie Mob’ s best song.

                • miss t-lee

                  I’m partial to “Cell Therapy” but “Black Ice” is a close, close second

                  • Anthony Thomas

                    It is like 1 and 1-a.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Definitely!

                • BrothasKeeper

                  Soul Food.

                  • Anthony Thomas

                    Good answer.

          • And then we have THIS moment…. you’re all over the place. lol

            • miss t-lee

              This is what happens, I have music references for everything…lol

      • RaeRae

        I don’t blame Iceberg Slim for this! I blame his bottom berg.

        • cedriclathan

          Always the bottom berg’s fault.

    • miss t-lee

      Uppity azz iceberg.

    • RaeRae

      Never shoulda gave them icebergs money!

  • “Channels Hotep Wu*

    “If black folks were really ready for survival they would get off of the Yakubian tainted Internet buying Jordans and start an at home business selling the ice from the iceberg.”

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