Over the course of all relationships, two people (or more depending on your religion and/or if you’re from Utah) show their love and affection in varying ways. For some people it’s the sharing of tantric activity for hours, with both people reaching mental climaxes that only paraplegics could love.
Hmmm, is it me or does it seem like tantric lovin’ was created by paraplegics since, you know, they kind of can’t…really…bang…
It’s Friday, hell points for the win.
Other people read the Bible together and quote verses and do hi-fives for Jesus and really get into some Psalms. Praise de lawd.
But for most of us, the main way that we show our love and affection is through gifts. Oh yes, gifts start early and often. Dude was in the store and he saw a little figurine of a ballerina holding a crackpipe and it reminded him of how he’s geeked out over you and you think it’s so precious and cute and you will cherish it forever. Or ole girl was at home looking at beaucoup pictures of herself and decided that if she created a collage of pictures of herself and attached it to some construction paper and wrote “Eye Luv Ewe” over the top of it, you’d not only know that she loves you but you’d know exactly what she looked like at various points of her life.
Real ninja talking, why do women give the gift of pictures so often? And why are they so frequently just pictures of her?
Shawty got gifts.
I feel like purging. Let me tell you, I’ve given a lot of gifts over my days. And quite frankly, I want most of them back. Some of them seemed like great ideas at the time but then again so did that particular woman. Theory ALWAYS seems great. So here’s a list of gifts I wish I could get back.
Can I exercise some of my Indian giver ways?
Yes you can.
1. The cross pendant
When I was in high school (yeah I’m THAT salty) I gave my girlfriend at the time a cross pendant that she adored. I spent like $100 on it of my hard earned Papa John’s money. Do you know how much $100 bucks is to a 17 year old? And she was a straight heathen. Her legs spent so much time in the air she could never be grounded. But she just had to have that pendant and I just had to get it for her. At least she always took it off when I was climbing in her window. But I swear that I never snatched her people up.
2. Toni Tony Tone Sons of Soul album
I wrote an entire post about this but to paraphrase. I buy you CD. You take CD and give me hug. You run tell dat to dude you like and give him a kiss. You two then go on to celebrate beaucoup anniversaries…while listening to CD I bought you. Whatever, I don’t really give an eff ewe see kay. Eff your couch anyway though.
3. My Morehouse tshirt
Every chick jacks their man’s tshirts. It’s in the dating rulebook right after thou shalt fellate without teeth, thou shalt cometh off thine favorite tshirt. So I did. Thing is, ole girl got me for a limited edition tshirt. For folks that were in the AUC back in the late 90s, there were TWO places to get school gear, Collegiate and the TKO store on Clark’s campus. They all sold limited edition sh*t. If you didn’t get that shirt or jacket the day it came out, you weren’t getting it. Ole girl got me for my Morehouse “Ha” tshirt. Late 90′s Black college alumns know those shirts. I hate her by the way.
4. Those really purdy exotic roses I copped at that one store it took me 4 hours to find in Atlanta
Boy was I stupid. I found these REALLY dope oddly colored roses that were basically genetically altered and because I was smitten over this wilted-arse dandelion chick I paid my hard earned customer service rep money for them. And when I personally delivered said flowers to your door at 5am in the morning so that you’d wake up to them what did you say to me? “Aww, thanks. You should hold them for me at your place.” Ouch, baby. Very ouch. Man do I wish I’d given those flowers to somebody who might have appreciated them…like a homeless person.
That will do for now. I actually have a lot more but if I tell you some things I got for women somebody might call me a compassionate gentleman or something and we can’t have that. Besides, everybody knows that I’m a motherf*cking monster.
So good people of VSB, it’s Friday. Let’s put it out there. Let your heart be free. Take back your gifts, if oooooonly for toooooonight.
It’s okay, we’ve got your back.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40p aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3