Category Archives: theory

Riding In Cars With Girls

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Ladies, it's just a cat. Not new p***y.

Once upon a time not long ago, when people wore pajamas and lived life slow, I worked at a factory building computers. They were terrible computers and honestly if people knew how horribly they were put together, they’d never have purchased these joints. But that’s not what this story is about.

I worked at this plant with my best friend, who just so happened to be a woman. Now this was the summer after my freshman year of college and despite both going to different colleges in different parts of the country, we both came home internshipless so we took jobs at this factory making computers for, at the time, what seemed like a stupid dope amount of pay. She lived around the corner from me.

During this time, I had a girlfriend. This was a young lady that I was a very good friend of mine and we finally decided to make the Lambeau leap into relationshipville. She did not work at the factory. She knew my best friend. Very well. We all went to high school together.

One day, while I was at home and waking up to get ready to go to work, I received a phone call from my girlfriend. She was pissed. It turns out that her younger sister had seen me and my best friend driving to work together. She questioned me as to why we’d need to ride to work together. And why hadn’t I told her that this was happening. I replied that we lived right around the corner from each other and work the exact same hours and it would save gas and further gas money, why NOT ride to work together? And I didn’t mention it because I didn’t see why it would be an issue. In fact, I assumed she’d THINK  we were driving to work together because of all the aforementioned facts that she was aware of, that it wouldn’t make sense to NOT drive to work together.

While she couldn’t eloquently articulate her beef, the one thing that I took from that conversation is that she was not a happy camper. Oh, and that she had a big problem with us driving to and from work together. I didn’t understand then and I still don’t understand now.

I had a recent convo with a cousin of mine who told me a similar story, almost randomly, about his girlfriend really beefing with him about something nearly similar. Again, his friend…somebody he’d grown up with and worked in the same vicinity as he did would bum rides from him to work on occasion. His girlfriend found this out…because he mentioned to her one day that sometimes Girl X would ride with him and his girlfriend lost it.

I honestly don’t know what the bigger transgression is. Is it not telling the girlfriend? That could easily be seen as an oversight or just a non-factor since its just a ride in the car. Or is it the actual ride in the car that had the women upset. It seems that – based on conversations that I’ve had in the recent poll that I did – that many a man has been met with strong opposition to their proposed riding in cars with other womens solo for long or even short amounts of time. Perhaps there is some level of intimacy associated with car rides. Maybe people lay out their innermost personal feelings and demons.

Maybe its assumed that the quickest way to end up naked is to take a drive in the car. Me no know, but I am curious since I thought my experience was unique and it turns out that it wasn’t. Apparently, women just don’t like their men riding in cars with girls without them being present.

Or they just don’t like to not know. Again, I’m confused.

So good people of VSB, I bring it to you. Fellas, have you also had this issue come up with your lady friend? And if so, what was her reasoning for the beef?

Ladies, what gives? What’s the big deal? Is the bigger deal not knowing? And if a dude tells you up front that it will happen, would you be okay with it? What the hell is the deal with the car???

What gives?

Donation.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

Why Boys And Girls Need Different Dating Advice

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"Thanks Dad for the advice and for dressing us alike in this picture!"

In the comments of yesterday’s post, numerous people brought up the fact that the advice I’d give to a teenage son had a bit of a different feel than the advice I’d give to a teenager daughter. Paraphrasing, while the daughter-centric advice was “protective, thoughtful, and caring,” the son-centric advice came off as “harsh, snarky, asshole-ly, and cynical.”

I responded to a few of those comments to explain why the son’s advice and the daughter’s advice may have seemed contradictory, but I felt like I needed to say a bit more. Today is “a bit more.”

Both lists were coming from the same place — a father’s want for his children to have the best, happiest, and most fulfilling lives possible. But, since males and females are (obviously) very different — different motivations, different fears, different expectations — the advice did need to be different. For instance, the very first thing I told the son — he should try to wait until he’s in his early 30′s before getting married and starting a family — is, for various biological and sociological realities, absolutely awful advice to give to a young woman. This isn’t to say that young women can’t be successful if they followed that same path, but they’d have a much less likely chance of that happening than a guy would.

Anyway, realizing these differences, the advice I gave my daughter was a bit more protective and concerned with minimizing risk. Why? Certain “mistakes” such as having a baby at a young age or staying in a bad relationship far too long — things that aren’t “mistakes” per se, but will be interpreted as such — are generally more damaging for a woman than they would be for a man.

Is this fair? No. But, the fact remains that young women just aren’t able to get away with many of the things that young men are able to, and as a father it would be irresponsible not to recognize that reality. In my opinion, teaching a daughter how to spot and avoid bad situations is the best dating/relationship/man advice any father can give her.

I want both “team daughter” and “team son” to win the game. But, while “team son” needs to play to win, “team daughter” would be best served playing not to lose. The fact that women have certain “advantages” over men (and by “certain advantages over men”  means “pretty much everything men do is specifically structured around getting access to them“) means that “team daughter” starts the game with a 30 point lead, and “not doing anything stupid or reckless to give up that lead” gives them the best chance at winning.

Team son, on the other hand, will need a deep playbook, a reliable substitution pattern, an advanced scouting report, an offensive and defensive coordinator, and some favorable refs to have a shot at winning. Basically, while team daughter can be the 1996 Chicago Bulls — a team that, since they had the two best players in the league (as well as the best coach, best rebounder, best defense, etc), basically won games by just showing up at the gym — team son needs to be the 2008 Boston Celtics — a bunch of grimy, shit-talking, cheating, crafty, and resilient motherf*ckers to be competitive

Fair? No. But again, this is a reality, and (IMO) parents should prepare their children for the world that is, not the world they wished existed.

Last thing. I want to make clear that this was the advice I’d give to my children, not what I think every parent should tell their sons and daughters. It’s not meant to be universal, easily palatable, or politically correct, and it’s based on what I — as a man who’s had very specific experiences in his three decades on Earth so far — think would be the best way for them to navigate the dating and relationship world.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

10 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex

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"Son, I just wanted to show you first hand that there are, in fact, other fish in the sea. Hopefully my ridiculous jeans don't distract you from that point.."

The last couple days of VSB — writing a “fatherly advice” piece for my teenager daughter, and following it up with something for a son the next day — was a plan I’ve had in mind for a while. I thought they’d be pretty well-received and relatively easy to write, and it’s a topic everyone — parent or not — could relate to in some way.

Anyway, with this in mind, I sat down yesterday afternoon ready to write the post about the son, expecting it to be as “easy” as the daughter piece was, but something unexpected happened: It dawned on me that there were actually two completely different sets of dating and relationship tips I could give him:

A) 10 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex If I Want Him To Be Thought Of As A “Nice” Guy, and…

B) 10 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Son About Women, Dating, Relationships, And Sex…If I Want Him To Actually Be Happy

Now, I don’t mean to suggest that you can’t be a nice guy and completely happy at the same time. It’s possible and shit. And, for the sake of the entire community, it’s probably the best way to go. I imagine that cities like Portland and Charlotte are full of happy nice guys, and, if I had a G-IV, I’d definitely fly there whenever I wanted to hit an organic farmer’s market

But, giving my son the same type of “look out for your own self-interests first” type of advice I gave my daughter yesterday — which is what I’m about to do — creates a guy that, while he can still very well be a “good” guy, fathers would probably advise their daughters to avoid. ”Woman dating with her best interests in mind” seems to = “empowered” while “man dating with his best interests in mind” seems to = “asshole.”

Oh well.

1. Do not even entertain the thought of being married or having children until you’re (at least) 34 years old. 

Now, I realize this doesn’t seem like ground-breaking advice. You’ve probably heard the same thing from your mother. But, what makes what I’m saying different is that while your mom wants you to wait until you’re fully mature and ready to be a husband and father and blah, blah, blah, I’m advising you to wait for one reason: Options.

Why 34? If you take advantage of the great genes your mother and I passed on to you and live the life you’re supposed to, by the time you reach that age, you’ll be successful enough to have some sort of social and/or financial status. And, if you take care of your body, you’ll still be youthful enough to really enjoy it. If you accomplish these things, you will have a better and more attractive range of romantic options than you will at any other point in your life. Asking you to wait until then to choose a life partner is me just wanting you to make the most informed choice possible. You don’t want to be the guy who puts all his chips in too early and then gets all unsettled and unhappy when realizing he could have gotten a better deal if he just waited.

I know you like sneakers, so think of it this way. Why shop at Foot Locker when you can drive a few more miles and hit the Nike Outlet instead?

2. The best, and most consistent way to get women to want to sleep and/or be with you? Act like you don’t really care about whether you’re able to sleep and/or be with them.

This may be the most difficult thing on the list to grasp. Even grown men aware of this truth have trouble pulling it off, as doing this is the equivalent of taking a starving man to the Cheesecake Factory and asking him to act like he’s not hungry.

But, as history has proven time and time again, your success with women is usually directly correlated to how unfazed you are by them. Also, the more beautiful the woman, the more you should probably act as if you barely even notice her beauty.

3. During high school or college, there’s a chance you might be attracted to a woman who attempts to coerce you into doing “boyfriend” duties (hanging out, being a confidant, eating salads with her and shit, etc) without any actual boyfriend pluses (sex). Do not fall for this trick.

You may be tempted to think that just hanging around and being the friend will assist you in finally getting some. It will not. The longer you stay around and continue to volunteer to take her panties to the laundromat, the less likely she’ll consider you to be a romantic option.

If you’re not careful, it may even get to the point to where she’ll complain to you about her man problems — in graphic detail, no less — despite the fact that she knows you’ve been pining away like a…pining-ass motherf*cker. If this happens, dead all contact with her, and  also make sure to steal all of her remote controls.

4. First dates should always be fun. And cheap.

This is your opportunity to set the tempo for the entire relationship. It’s also your chance to vet and see if she’s the type of asshole who needs a $90 steak in front of her to have “fun.”

5. There are thousands of reasons why you should always practice safe sex, and I’m sure you’ve heard each of them before. Here’s one I’m pretty sure you haven’t: Playing the pull out game always makes you feel like an idiot.

I’m not going to lie to you. Unprotected sex does feel indescribably better than wearing a condom. No sense in bullshitting you about that. But, the jump in feeling pales in comparison to the prolonged awkwardness you’ll feel when going raw, pulling out at the last moment, wondering if you pulled out in time, wondering how the hell you managed to cum on her knee, pausing this intimate moment to perform post-coital clean up, wondering if you pulled out in time (again), getting back in bed after the clean up and finding out the hard way that you didn’t do a very thorough clean up job, and feeling bad because you’ll start asking yourself if you’re too damn old to playing the gotdamn pull-out game.

6. Only sleep with women who have something to lose.

Hoodrats and hoochies can (definitely) be sexy, but 5 to 25 minutes of pleasure isn’t worth the considerable potential downside if things go down hill. Basically, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have casual sex with a woman who’d consider it the best day of her life (and the lives of everyone in her family, including her son) if you happened to get her pregnant.

7. The grass is never greener.

Although all women have their own personal quirks and idiosyncrasies to go along with some physical differences, there isn’t much variance about what makes them them. Seriously, if you took 100 random men from Jakarta and 100 random guys from Jacksonville and asked them to list the 10 things that most annoy them about their wives, the lists would look exactly the same.

I’m bringing this up because there may be a point in one of your relationships where you experience a bit of malaise and start fantasizing about how things would be with someone else. When this happens, remember that a relationship with whoever you’re fantasizing about will eventually reach the malaise stage too.

This leaves you with two options

A) End relationships as soon as they leave the honeymoon stage (not the best option)

B) Make sure you commit to the right person so that your love for and attraction to her will help you deal with the inevitable “meh” period (the best option)

8. Smell good.

I didn’t pay much attention in the anatomy and physiology course I took my freshman year in high school, and the way women respond to a guy who smells good definitely makes me think that I must have fallen asleep on the day they explained that a woman’s nose is directly connected to her vagina.

9. It may not seem this way when it happens, but breaking up with a woman can be one of the kindest things you can do as an adult

Look, while we can dick around until we’re in our 40′s and still end up finding a wife and building a family, (generally speaking) women just don’t have that same luxury. If you’re in a situation where you know things probably aren’t going any further and she’s at an age where she’s expecting them to, end it. Shit, even if it’s a good relationship, end it.

You’ll both feel like shit for a while, but you both will eventually get over it and realize it was in both of your best interests.

10. From now until the day you die, your penis will be fighting a never-ending battle with your brain to see who will lord over your body, your decision making, your choices, and your future. You cannot let your penis win, but you also cannot let anyone shame you into feeling bad for being a man. 

This will not be an easy task. Your penis is tricky, dastardly, diabolical, deceiving, deceptive, and indefatigable. Basically, you know how Dick Cheney kind of looks like a penis? Well, imagine that your dick is Dick.

Thing is — and this is very important to note — I’m not asking you to suppress or ignore your sexual urges. They are not bad. In fact, they are very good. Just don’t be the guy who allows those urges to completely dominate everything he does.

That’s enough for me today. Did I forget anything? Also, people of VSB.com, what advice would you give to your teenage sons?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

10 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Daughter About Men, Dating, Relationships, And Sex

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Repeat after me honey "If he doesn't pay for dinner, that n*gga aint a winner"

You know, I’m not a dad yet, but I might be one day. If this day comes, there’s a 50/50 chance that my child will be a daughter, and I will do everything in my power to protect, love, and educate this girl. But, if she decides to cite a hug I didn’t give her in 2018 as the reason why she can’t find love in 2038, I’ll have one message for her: F*ck you

 

This disturbingly candid (or, would “candidly disturbing” work better?) example of the type of parent I’m probably going to be is the last paragraph of “Why “Daddy Issues” Don’t Really Exist” — an old entry where I argue that if every strange thing a woman does can be explained away with “daddy issues,” then perhaps they don’t exist. And, while “please don’t blame a hug you didn’t get in 2018 for your relationship issues in 2038” is definitely sage advice, I don’t think that’s quite enough.

Today, I’ve decided to share nine more bits of fatherly advice I’d give my (non-existent) teenager daughter if she actually decides to exist one day

2. Just assume that every man you meet from now until you’re, I don’t know, 53(?) would sleep with you if given the opportunity

This doesn’t mean that every man you meet is going to try to. This also doesn’t mean that sleeping with you is all any man is ever going to want from you. There will be men who’d give their left testicle just for five minutes of your time. Men who’d build a bridge across Lake Michigan if that’s what it took to you see you. Men who will want to debate you, make fun of you, hear your opinions about “Amistad” and Meek Mill, build houses for you, sit in silence with you, lay next to you, travel with you, learn from you, teach you, learn about you, take you to IKEA, and grow old with you. But, the man wanting to sleep with you is the foundation for all of that, and you’d be wise never to forget that.

Shit, as much as I love your mother, you wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t want to tear her clothes off the first time I saw her at the Ole Country Buffet hovering over a plate of steamed broccoli while her thong was peaking out ever so slightly from her two toned silver vintage stretch pants church.

3. When in doubt, break up

Relationship drama is for grown ups. And by “grown-ups” I mean “old motherf*ckers.” If you’re 23 years old, and you and your boyfriend are going through some serious adversity, break the f*ck up with him. No need to be “working through” anything if you’re still not even old enough to serve in the House of Representatives.

I know this seems cold, but your youth should be the time when you’re having as much fun as you possibly can, not losing sleep because some janky negro with lint on his lips is going through some depression and you don’t know how to help him. You really want to know the best way to get through to him? Say “deuces” and let him figure that shit out for himself while you’re at Outback Steakhouse with that cute guy you met at the swap meet last weekend.

4. Learn how to ***insert word that rhymes with “pastorgate”***

I’m telling you this now because you’ll likely be a much happier person if you’re able to, um, “make yourself happy” without the assistance of others. If you need more details, you should probably go ask your mom. Or one of your white classmates.

5. Eat your vegetables

I hate (most) vegetables, but your mom seems to love them. Since your mom is banging — and since banging women have (somewhat) easier lives — I’d suggest you start emulating her. Eat your veggies and shit.

6. When in dating doubt, always err on the side of making things harder for the guy

He needs to convince you that he’s worthy of being in your life, not the other way around.

7. When in relationship doubt, err on the side of making things easier

You have carte blanche to be a bit of an asshole while you’re single and dating. In fact, I encourage it. Once a guy has proven himself worthy and ‘won” you, though, you can start buying him gum and shit.

8. I know I’m your father and you love me and shit, but don’t try to date men like me

I’m an awkward asshole who only tricked your mother into marrying me because I told her the Sultan of Brunei is my second cousin on my dad’s side. Your best strategy would be to avoid all assholes, awkward and, um, unawkward, regardless of how attractive and “unique” they seem to be. You can usually easily spot them, too. They’re the ones who intrigue you and make you feel a little tingly because they literally do not give a f*ck about you or anything you do.

I actually don’t expect you to follow this advice, but if you did it would save you a shitload of unnecessary heartache.

9. Throughout life, you’re going to meet women who say things like “I never really got along with other women.” Avoid these women the same way Antonio Cromartie avoids condoms. 

10. Throughout life, you’re going to meet men who say things like “I’m not like every other guy.” If you happen across a man like this, kick him in the nuts. 

If he screams, he’s exactly like every other guy. If he doesn’t, he’s obviously a eunuch, and might actually be telling the truth.

That’s enough for me today. Did I forget anything? Also, people of VSB.com, what advice would you give to your teenage daughters?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Off-Limits: Are Some Subjects Too Sensitive To Joke About?

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 ***As grown-ups who still live within reasonable driving distance of their parents are wont to do, I try to visit my parents on Sundays as often as I can. (Why? Well, my parents are my ace boon coons, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. Plus, they always make a ton of food for dinner, it’s always a great way to launch a new week, and, um, did I mention the free food already?) The following is a paraphrased summary of a conversation I had with my mom yesterday evening after dinner.***

Champ’s mom (CM): “Did you see SNL last night?”

Champ: “No maam.”

***Feel free to insert a joke about my parents and I being three of the remaining 17 Black people on the planet who still watch SNL on a regular basis.***

CM: “So you didn’t see the skit about Piers Morgan and George Zimmerman?”

Champ: “Nah. What happened?”

CM: “It had Piers Morgan interviewing a bunch of celebrites for their takes on George Zimmerman’s arrest.”

Champ: “Was it funny?”

CM: “I stopped watching a minute or so into it.”

Champ: “Why?”

CM: “What do you mean “Why?” Of all the things to write a skit about, why choose the Trayvon Martin case? Some subjects are too sensitive to joke about. I was honestly surprised and disappointed that SNL went there.”

***I’ve embedded the skit below. In case you can’t see it, Morgan interviews Ice-T, Kayne, Kim Kardashian, and others, and they each offer their increasingly ridiculous takes on this case and the legal system in general¹***

Champ: “Hmm.”

CM: “What?”

Champ: “I don’t know if I agree with you, Mom. Maybe the skit itself wasn’t executed properly, but I don’t think there are any off-limits subjects. I mean, I agree that the skit may have been in bad taste. But, in order to get the types of laughs comedians depend on, sometimes you have to broach uncomfortable topics. Sometimes the joke works. Sometimes it doesn’t. I just don’t think we should be able to tell people “This subject is too serious to be joked about in any manner.”

CM: ”You’re talking about censorship. I’m talking about common sense. Common sense should tell you that a situation as emotionally and politically charged as the Trayvon Martin case should be off limits. I love that you always try to be so pragmatic and practical, but sometimes being that way gives you some serious blind spots.”

***She’s definitely right about the blind spots. There have been times, both online and off, where my instistence on being “sober” or “irrelevant” or “delibrate” made people upset because they assumed I was being intentionally insensitive. In each situation, I ended up hurting feelings because I just didn’t recognize the possibility that feelings could be hurt. Ironicially, I consider myself to be extremely, almost painstakingly, considerate of others. But, I’ve come to realize that this consideration usually only extends to things that would greatly upset me as well.***

Champ: “I do agree that it’s probably too soon to talk about the Trayvon Martin case in that manner. I still think you can find humor in pretty much every subject, though. Sometimes the humor doesn’t have to be “Haha,” but more just recognizing the absurdity of a situation.”

CM: “Pedophila can be funny?”

Champ: “Every Black person in America has either laughed at or told a joke about R. Kelly — jokes specifically related to the fact that he’s the world’s most famous known pedophile. “Eat the cake, Anna Mae” — a line from “What’s Love Got to Do with It” —  has become one of Black culture’s most popular catchphrases. We use it in a tongue-in-cheek/snarky manner, which makes light of the depiction of prolonged domestic violence and sexual abuse the line comes from.”

CM: “Hmm. Two of your nieces were shot a few months ago. One almost died. Where’s the ”funny” in that?”

Champ: “Um, well…um…”

CM: “Exactly.”

***As you can see, my mom has a way of shutting me up.*** 

¹I watched the skit on Hulu a half hour or so after our conversation. The verdict? I agree that SNL probably should have picked a different subject. But, I thought it was…funny.
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)