1. If there are any takeaways from the dozens of celebrity sex tapes we’ve been exposed to in the last couple of decades, it’s this: Sex is boring.
Let me expound. Sex isn’t boring when you’re having it. Depending on the conversation, it’s not boring when you’re talking about it. And, it’s not boring when reading or watching something where the sex is implied and the sexual energy is palpable. But, watching two people have sex makes you realize how f*cking mundane and monotonous sex between actual couples can be.
After you’ve been with someone multiple times, you should have an understanding of what they like, what gets them off, and how long it takes to do it. This can result in a 10-minute-long head session. Or eight minutes of missionary pressure to the exact same spot. Or a water break or two if she’s on top and one of you starts to cramp. While enjoyable in the moment, this type of sex tends to be boring as hell to witness.
Ironically, the most exciting looking porno-type sex — with the dozens of position shifts every three minutes — tends to be the least fulfilling.
The porno-type trailer of Mimi and Nikko’s tape was exciting. Because it was shot like a porno, with multiple edits and quick cuts to multiple positions. But the actual uncut footage of two people in a relationship having sex — like the Kim Kardashian and Ray J tape, and the Pamela Anderson tape, and the Paris Hilton tape, and the Drake and Rihanna tape that’ll shutdown the entire internet when its released in July — is boring as the f*ck. Celebrity sex tapes are the Anchorman 2 of adult entertainment. Everything you need to see is in the trailer.
2. I’m not saying that the reaction to this sex tape gives more evidence to how much context matters to women when gauging how physically/sexually attractive a person is. Because women are unique-ass individuals and can’t be categorized as a collective. That would be sexist and shit. But…
…the reaction to this sex tape gives more evidence to how much context matters to women when gauging how physically/sexually attractive a person is.
To wit, Mimi Faust is a physically attractive woman. She has a nice face, a nice body, and she looks like she smells like raspberry iced tea. Nikko Smith also seems to possess a few physical characteristics women tend to find attractive.
Yet, the comments I’ve seen and heard about their looks have been largely negative. And the majority of these comments have been from women. To summarize, Mimi is a wrinkled old hag who’s built like a post office mailbox, and Nikko has a tiny head, a tinier penis, and looks like the Grinch who stole Converse. But, there’s no doubt in my mind that, for the people levying these criticisms, if a woman who looked exactly like Mimi owned a local hair salon, and a man favoring Nikko was their son’s school principal, they’d be lauded for their looks.
Part of this is due to the fact that we (collectively) tend to judge “celebrities” by a different standard. It’s how someone can call Keri Hilson “average looking” without any hint of irony. (Or shame.) But, in Mimi and Nikko’s case, the looks-based critiques have more to do with the fact that don’t present themselves as likable people. For those who know them through Love and Hip-Hop, Mimi is a humorless and hypocritical shrew, and Nikko is just a f*cking lame (Shit, His name is freakin “Nikko.”). Those negative personality qualities seem to have an effect on how harshly people — and by “people” I mean “women” — judge their physical attributes.
3. The star of this sex tape is undoubtedly the titanium space suit shower rod Mimi and Nikko incorporated during one of their scenes. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was nominated for an AVN award.
Unfortunately, the shower rod’s stardom is undeserved. That position only works if the man is strong enough to hold a woman up for that long. Leverage is also key. If both the strength and the proper leverage are in place, the shower rod is just there for balance, not weight. Titanium space suit shower rod or not, if Nikko would have let go of her, she would have fallen on her ass. And, as anyone who’s ever fallen in the shower will tell you, falling in the shower is painful as f*ck and makes you feel like Tucker from Something About Mary.
Considering the rest of the tape, though, that might have been more entertaining.