Category Archives: random

Would You Let A Stripper Watch Your Kid?

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Drink your milk!!!!!

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

A woman files an application with a day care center looking to get a job as a child care provider, be it teaching assistant, after care supervisor, etc. On her application, where it asks about former employment, said woman lists the name of a popular strip club. Under the tab where it asks “job title” she fills in, accurately, “dancer”.

Full stop.

Let’s be real here. It either takes extreme delusion or confidence to file an application at a daycare center and ACTUALLY tell the employing powers that be that you are indeed a stripper. Or were. Or whatever. There’s no middle ground. I can’t decide which one is more likely. I’m sure that question will keep me up at night. In case you weren’t aware, I spend a lot of time analyzing the depths and psychological shackles (or lack thereof) of strippers.

Oh, had you heard that one before?

Me neither. But apparently that has happened. I got a phone call about it. And it got me to thinking, would I be bothered if I found out that one of my daughter’s day care providers was an active-stripper, or a recently de-activated stripper? Is that what you call a retired stripper? De-activated? Wouldn’t that be doper than retired? Didn’t I blow your mind this time? Didn’t I?

Now, while I can say that I’d feel some type of way about a stripper being responsible for the well-being of my child, I have to take a step back and realize that stripping is just a job. We do equate a certain type of reckless irresponsibility to strippers but if you think about it, it’s quite possible that strippers have the requisite skill set to be a quality day care provider.

Such as?

Such as.

1. Ability to make others smile

That’s like key numero uno in the life of a child. Ensure that the children are happy and comfortable. Strippers entire M.O. relies on continued happiness and relate-bility to the patrons…for money. Same principle in day care. I know I feel safe in the bosom of a woman I don’t know who I paid to be there. Again, basis of child care.

2. Constantly required to clean

Clean pole. Clean center. Same sh*t. Strippers carry a bottle of Lysol with them for that very reason. Day care centers are germ incubators. Exactly why Lysol was created!

3. Like to dance to music

Kids looooooooooooove dancing when they’re toddlers. As long as she keeps it all PG then we’re good to go. Elephant Man. Win. Win.

4. Customer service extraordinaires

If you’re taking care of my kid, then I need to feel completely comfortable with you and believe in your services and responsiveness. Again. Win. Win.

See? Strippers really do have a relevant skill set. Point is, technically, I shouldn’t have an issue with this. It isn’t like she’d be holding pole dancing classes for toddlers or anything. And when she’s getting her day care on, I could expect her to be professional and do the job at hand. But somehow I envision a woman in a g-string and tassels picking up my kid and reading a Dr. Seuss book called “All The Girls Get Down On The Floor”. Which is, like, totally unfair. I’m trying not to shoot the messenger or anything (and despite my actual non-judgmental leanings towards strippers), I just envision her as a woman of ill repute when it comes to my kid trying to corrupt my child who will then come home asking me for all of my one dollar bills. Then I’d wonder if every time she wanted to dance, if its because she wants to “practice”.

THE HUMANITY!

It’s just not right okay! says Shareef to O’Dog and A-Wax as they take Caine to the hospital and leave Harold to die.

But its not right that I’m thinking this stripper can’t do a good job when the only thing I know about her is that she’s a stripper. And I’d like to be the liberal here who doesn’t care yet something isn’t allowing me to say “yes, I’d absolutely let a stripper watch my kid! She’s trying to get a more respectable job as a day care provider and she’s not running from her past. Hellz bellz, siiiiiiiiiign me up.”

But what about you? Hmm??

Good people of the VSB, would you let a stripper watch your kid??

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. TAKE IT OFF TRICK BEND OVER LET ME SEE IT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

When You’re Mad?

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I love the entertainment industry.

Girl, seeing you all mad just makes me want to jump your bones. Nevermind that I spent all of your savings. Yousofine!

Where else can you live out your wildest dreams and be the person you always wished you could be despite obvious physical and aesthetic limitations or the constant failures of reality.

Such is the case with Ne-Yo (who also provided the most baffling character ever in Red Tails, a truly sh*tty movie. Seriously, who signed off on that role? Damn you George Lucas).

It’s no secret that I watch videos incessantly. Hell, I can spend a whole day just watching MTV Jams and vh1 Soul. This past weekend, I resawed Ne-Yo’s video for the song “When You’re Mad”, some six or seven years after its debut.  It’s not a bad song, though I do think that the song’s message will be wildly misconstrued and result in some poor sap getting his ass straight mollywopped by his girl for smirking when she’s truly pissed off.

Of course, that would require anybody to actually care about Ne-Yo and I suppose that’s another beast altogether. Real talk, go see Red Tails and understand why Ne-yo should never matter.

I’ll get to the premise later. Let’s start with Ne-Yo.

I remember a long (!!!) time ago when Mr. Cheeks video for “Lights, Camera, Action” came out. In the beginning of that video, when Mr. Cheeks enters the club, the “cheeks” lights go off and all the strippers know that he’s in the building. You see, in his video, Mr. Cheeks is akin to the president. When Cheeks shows up, the cheeks show up. Get it?

Me and my boys used to get a kick out of the video because the video hoes really sold the idea that Mr. Cheeks was indeed that important. Unrealistic? Of course, but in Mr. Cheeks video, he gets to be God. You have to love the opportunities that come to people who probably aren’t nearly as cool as they come off in videos.

Ne-Yo, bless his heart, is not an attractive man. Yet, in his videos, he gets to be the hearthrob; he is the man that women covet and for who’s back his woman has to watch. Usher he is not, but in his videos, he can be Denzel and his flock a gaggle of 30-50 year old black women.

I don’t care what anybody says, America is a great place.

This song, “When You’re Mad” is about how Ne-Yo can’t help but be carnally turned on whenever his girlfriend gets upset with him. He just wants to tear her up when she gets that little wrinkle-nosed face going on because he has ticked her off. Throughout the video is a montage of women with various pissed off faces and demeanors that I suppose (it is a video remember) make Ne-Yo feel rather randy. I’ll admit, it’s a rather “cute” video. It made me chuckle a time or two at the various reason his woman chose to be pissed at him.

However, I think the video seriously understates how “mad” a woman just may be and an appropalate course of action. And if you’ve seen the movie Trippin’ you will know that appropalate is indeed a real word.

Y’alls is some real dubiostic types.

(By the way, yes, again, I realize that its just a video. Thanks, MGMT)

What it seems to me is that his girl isn’t actually mad, she’s more just ticked off. Temporarily to boot. There is no mad going on here. His girl sees him taking pictures with “fans” and gets upset. Basically, his girl is jealous that he gives other women attention. Sucks for her…I mean doesn’t she realize she’s dating Ne-Yo. International superstar Ne-Yo?????

*crickets*

Like I said. It’s his video.

Thing is, there is no real just cause to be pissed so usually, a smile, a chuckle, and a “baby, why you trippin, you know I only love you” would suffice in most of these instances. Followed by a, “hey, you want me to keep getting you nice things? You do. Then I suggest you shut the fuck up.”

Then again. She isn’t mad.

Has anybody here ever dated somebody and either you or they got royally pissed??

*hands shoot up across the globe*

Was your first thought ever to really smile and then try to jump their bones? No? Me neither. When I get truly pissed, which has only happened a few times…I see red. It ain’t no lovely lush blues and yellows that inspire my loins.

Wow. I’ve said some pretty suspect shit in my day, but I think, “lush blues and yellows that inspire my loins” might just top the list.

Cry for me Argentina.

Now, I realize I’m being a stickler for details and accuracy here and I know its just a fun song intended to explain to women how them being upset with men makes men all turned on and shit. I’m just afraid some poor little kid is going to see this video and think that when his girl gets mad at him, it is totally okay to turn to an imaginary camera, chuckle twice, then look at her and go try to lay the ass-smackdown on her. He just might catch an eye-jammy.

This just brings up another point. There is a big difference between a woman being upset/slightly ticked off and her being mad or truly pissed. The former is usually a very temporary thing and can be resolved with a well timed, “baby, why you trippin’. Girl you know I-I-I-I love you. I will give you the sun the moon the stars the sky and the mountains…I’ll give you the worrrrrrrrrrrld. Baby, smile for me so I can see Heaven in your eyes.” You know, something along those lines. Basically, small little petty shit that most humans are bound to irrationally fall victim too from time to time. It happens to everybody.

The latter however, which would be the “mad or truly pissed” part, well thats a little different. If you have truly pissed off your woman, it’s gonna take more than a “girl i love you” to appease her. You must have done something like showed up with a box of condoms and one was missing. Despite the fact that you are truly just a juvenile male and used one to hang from your next door neighbors doorknob, you will be in trouble. Or maybe you didn’t show up when you said you were going to show up and your girl was stuck in the middle of Ohio all alone or some shit. Those things will not be resolved shortly.

You know, I don’t feel like discussing this anymore.

Bottom line, I’m concerned for the kids who will watch these videos and be influenced negatively since videos and music dictate our lives and I’m concerned about marriage in America.

So ladies, question, can a little sexual attention take you out of your upset or angry stupor? We’re trying to save relationships here. Help brothas out. Or was Ne-yo trying to get men killed with that message he was sending to both men and women?

Brothas have you ever just laughed at your girl being mad and tried to jump her bones successfully? And ladies, would you be upset with your man if he tried to get all carnal on that arse after a spat, or does it just depend on how pissed you are?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. NE-YO I AM NOT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Peep the flyer for the party in DC this Saturday, also serving as the official afterparty for The Musicianship Diane Grainger Tribute featuring Afro Blue (cop tickets now! I’ll be there)…holla at ya hustla! RSVP for free admission before 11pm!

 

 

 

Having The Birthday Cake And Eating It Too: A Collection of Conflicting Thoughts About Chris Brown

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Ever since his infamous assault of then-girlfriend Rihanna, I’ve been captivated with Chris Brown, Rihanna, the myriad different stances people have adopted in regards to them, and the “Whys” behind these stances. Case in point: Along with my recent piece at Ebony, I’ve written about them — well, him in particular — at least four times in the three years since.

First there was “naked: chris brown and the sad plight of the scorned man” — an entry where I used their situation as a convenient segue to talk about how men dealing with effed up relationship situations usually don’t have any proverbial “shoulders to cry on.”

I followed that a few months later in something written about Tiger Woods and his wife, where I made mention of the fact that it seems like some of the people excusing Chris Brown for his role in the incident may not realize exactly how much bigger he is than Rihanna. Not that it should matter. A 5’6” man can inflict just as much damage as a 6’6” man can. But, I thought (and still do think) that some people hear the name “Chris Brown” and immediately think skinny, dancing-ass, teenage pop star, not 6’2” man with muscles formed from years of dancing and working out. Basically, in their minds, him vs Rihanna was a fair fight, but in actuality he dwarfs her in size.

Next, I made mention of them making a “movie” together in “A Sneak-Peek Into “Tyler Perry’s Love Jones.”

And, by the time “Seven Reasons Why I’m Totally Not Upset About Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” Movie” was written a few months ago, you could begin to sense my exasperation with this discussion. In a matter of a couple years, I went from “this is some serious sh*t” to “I know it’s serious, but I don’t really give a damn anymore”

“Back to Blonde Breezy. Although I’ve been very critical of Chris Brown’s “redemption” in the past, I think I’ve officially reached the “not a single f*ck was given” point regarding whatever the hell happened that infamous night on the way to the Grammys. Apparently, time heals all wounds and all self-righteous indignations.

But, what remains completely fascinating is how both him and Rihanna have gotten progressively weirder and progressively more famous since that night. Maybe instead of a fight that night, they actually went through the Illuminati’s application and pledging process. Who knows?

I do know, though, that somewhere out there (probably on Mars), Andre 3000 and Erykah Badu are kicking themselves. They already had the weird part down pact. Who knew that all they had to do to keep people actually buying their albums was jab each other a couple times while riding in one of their spaceships?”

I guess today’s entry is me coming full-circle. As you may have guessed, I am fascinated again. Now, though, the best word to describe my feelings about Chris Brown is ambivalent.

From the perspective of a person who follows, studies, appreciates, and, sh*t, depends on pop culture, I’m elated that Breezy and Ri-Ri are making music (and, possibly, love) together again. I don’t give a damn about the “Birthday Cake” song itself (I haven’t even listened to it yet), but I will be tuned in to read, watch, listen to, and attempt to deconstruct people’s reactions to it. For a person who writes about pop culture for a living, you couldn’t ask for a better, more layered story.

But, from the perspective of a man who used to be an educator and knows exactly how damaging the latent message of “It’s ok to beat up your girl as long as you’re handsome and popular because everyone, including her, will forgive you shortly anyway” can (and will) have on their millions of young fans, their very public reconciliation rubs me the wrong way.

Right now, Chris Brown is having his birthday cake and eating it too. And, along with the Gotdamn Idiot factor, I think much of the push back is due to the fact that it just doesn’t seem fair for him to be able to do that. People upset at the situation are interested in and deeply invested in concepts like justice, and karma, and comeuppance, and seeing a person do dirt and still succeed in spite of it is a severe rebuke of the way they see the world.

On the other hand, that — Life just aint f*cking fair. Get used to it. — could be a teachable lesson in itself. Perhaps it’s not a bad thing to teach kids at an early age that popular guys and pretty girls will have advantages that normal folks just don’t. I mean, I’m sure they see it play out in front of them every day, and they’re probably tired of hearing “all people have the same chance” from their teachers and parents anyway. Why not be real with them now instead of setting them up for a lifetime’s worth of disappointment?

I don’t know. I don’t have any answers to any of these questions. I don’t know which side of me — the writer or the human — will win out. Sh*t, I don’t even know if the writer and the human are separate entities. I do know, though, that this will not be the last time I devote space to Chris Brown, and I’m concerned with how easily I’m beginning to be able to write something and feel nothing.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

My Daughter, My Valentine.

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A few weeks ago, somebody asked me what the best part about being a pappy was. My response was that the best part had something to do with having a built in best friend and a pal who was just genuinely happy to be doing anything with you. If you want to throw rocks at old people walking along the street, your kid will be all.about.that.

But kids add all types of fun dimensions to your life. For instance, I could go see

This picture made me want Skittles. What? Happy Valentine's Day muda skunts.

Beauty & The Beast with daughter in tow and NOBODY would think there was anything odd or wrong with that. Nevermind the fact that I wanted to go see it. Kids are the best out ever.

Alllllllllllllways. No Atlantic Starr.

Well, another great facet is that you have a built in Valentine. See, I’m aware that Valentine’s Day sucks for a lot of people. And by people, I mean women. Very few men could give a flying f*ck about Valentine’s Day. In fact, as a man, the main reason the majority of us do anything for our women on Valentine’s Day is because she’s so looking forward to…us doing something for her. If men didn’t have to go out and buy random odds and ends just because some random ass person came up with this random day eons ago then we wouldn’t.

Interestingly enough, Valentine’s Day is the only day per year where even the most thugged out of individual can walk down the street with a balloon that says “Sweety Pie” and a wrapped up dozen roses without anybody judging or questioning if he’ll murder them. It’s also the one day where you’ve got t put the thug back on the shelf because its really hard to look intimidating in the checkout line at Giant with a box of chocolates and a lily. And homeboy, buy more than one next year.

Back to my daughter. Having a daughter is about as sweet as it gets come days like Valentine’s Day. See, having a little girl brings out a certain sensitivity in most men. Your daughter is the woman in your life that you want to be happy at all times. So even if you don’t get into Valentine’s Day, somehow, someway, you still want to do something nice for your daughter JUST so she’ll always know that her father remembered days likes Valentine’s Day so that when the man she ultimately chooses to deal with in the future DOES forget, she realizes that she can do better like Drake singing an Adele song written by Babyface and Marques Houston.

The fact that I have a built in Valentine every year is one of those things that genuinely puts a smile on my face. Will she remember the random balloon two years from now? Nope. Will I remember the smile she had because she’s still young enough to get insane amounts of joy out of a balloon? Absolutely. And it’s worth it every time. Being a parent is obviously no walk in the park, though it’s one of the most rewarding jobs on the planet. But making days like Valentine’s Day matter because there’s a little princess in the picture? Well, that’s what makes life worth living.

Besides, my daughter will actually be completely content with a balloon, one flower, and a stuffed animal. How many women would be okay with that? More than I think, probably. But I’ll be willing to be all of your lunch money that most men think that they do a better job at Valentine’s Day than we really do. It’s just another reason why women are in the “Who Sucks The Least” race in Black America because I saw all of your/their boyfriends in line tonight while I was getting some Crisco. Your gifts are about to suck ladies.

I promise.

But not to my daughter. Not to my favorite person on the planet. And not to my numero uno Valentine for life.

Was this a sappy post? Perhaps. Was it honest. Absolutely. And you can’t whip my a** anyway.

Happy Valentine’s Day to those who don’t hate the day. Happy 14th to those who do. Every day is the 14th.

What’s your Valentine’s Day looking like? Do you like Valentine’s Day? Hate it? Do you refuse to celebrate it? Why or why not?

And fellas…if you have to go see The Vow, it’s okay. You’ve got a friend in me.

Love 40.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. SHUGGIE VALENTINO aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

What Exactly Makes a “Good” Parent?

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What a difference a month makes

As any NFL fan (and most New Yorkers) undoubtedly know, there’s an annual ritual that occurs somewhere between the 3rd and 8th weeks of the NFL season each year. The New York Giants will be struggling, a few anonymous sources from the team will leak quotes to the media about how much the entire team hates head coach Tom Coughlin, and a few prominent beat writers and reporters will pen articles about how the team has tired of Coughlin’s rigid ways and that it’s time to make a change.¹

Seriously, if you were to look up the term “hot seat” in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of a red-faced and exasperated Coughlin in the middle of the same exaggerated head shake/eye roll combo an assistant principal at a high school would make after hearing that the gym locker room toilets were clogged again.

He’s never won (and never will win) coach of the year. Whenever Sports Illustrated or ESPN.com does one of those anonymous player surveys, he’s always the choice as “the coach I’d least like to play for.” He’s not regarded as an evil genius like Bill Belichick, a guru like Jon Gruden, a master motivator/player’s coach like Mike Tomlin or Pete Carroll, or even an “old guy whose best days are behind him but still has something in the tank” like (the extremely overrated) Mike Shanahan. He is actually a stereotypically bad assistant principal — a micro-manager whose obsession with mind-numbing routine and authoritarianism ends up undermining the power he already has².

But, as of Sunday night, Coughlin is the head coach of two Super Bowl champions, a feat matched by few others. A man many wouldn’t consider a great (or even good) NFL coach has twice bested the man thought of as the best football coach of his generation.

Today, the Coughlin narrative is that he’s an underappreciated motivator and technician. The end results (two championships) have justified any means, and 50 years from now, no one will remember that he came within a hair of getting fired every year. All they’ll see is “Tom Coughlin = two-time Super Bowl champion” and they’ll assume that he was a great coach.

Now, there’s an obvious parallel between coaching and parenting (and teaching, even), and I brought up Tom Coughlin’s career because it ties directly into a question I’ve always had about parenting.

What exactly makes a “good” or “great” parent?

This seems like it should be an easy question to answer. A good parent is a selfless individual who loves their children unconditionally, stops at nothing to provide for and protect them, teaches them whatever needs taught, and models good behavior.

But, if the ultimate goal of a parent is to make sure their offspring are productive, capable, and well-adjusted members of society, what’s to make of “good” parents who were, to put it bluntly, failures?

How do you gauge the parental merits of loving, selfless, and upstanding individuals who’ve raised kids who grew up to be liars, deadbeats, thieves, rapists, murders, and Laker fans? Would you consider a parent “good” if they were successful and happy and well-adjusted, but their children were the exact opposite?

Perhaps, like a “good” coach who just wasn’t able to find a way to motivate his team, maybe a good parent with sh*tty offspring has all the proper parental tools but just didn’t apply them properly…making them bad at being a parent

On the flipside, what do you make of people who’ve managed to succeed in spite of what looked to be lackluster and/or deficient parenting? The man who’s managed to become a renowned surgeon despite his overbearing and still hard to please alcoholic father? The woman who never received a single compliment from her ruthless and manipulative mother but ended up being a caring, successful, and well-adjusted lawyer and mom herself? The kid from the projects who, after seeing how heroin tore apart his family, got a PhD. in neuroscience to study addiction and help make sure what happened to his family doesn’t happen to any others?

On the surface, no one would say that any of these people had good parents, but you can’t deny the fact that their relationships with their parents helped motivate and inspire them to become who they are today. Again, if parental merits depend on the offspring you send out into the world, the “sh*tty” parents definitely succeeded. Perhaps these parents, bad as they may have seemed, were only doing what they thought it took to ensure their children’s success as adults.

And, just as you probably won’t hear any Giants complain about Coughlin’s rigidity or out-of-touchness today, you’re probably not going to hear any of the people from the last paragraph complain too much about how they were raised.

If the Giants don’t make the playoffs this year, Coughlin gets fired. Now, though, each of his negative characteristics become pluses through euphemism. (i.e.: “he’s a micro-manager” turns into “he’s steadfastly committed to excellence”)

If these people don’t turn out successful, the drunk dad is an asshole, the manipulative mom is a bitch, and the kid with the addicts in his family just had too much on his plate to overcome. If successful, though, the asshole dad becomes “a guy who believed in tough love,” the bitchy mom is just a “perfectionist who wanted the best for me,” and the kids from the projects reflects on all the sacrifices his people made to help him make it.

I guess I’m trying to say that whether a person is a good parent or not is completely arbitrary, completely variable, and completely dependent on the quality of kid they produce. But, to be honest, I don’t even really believe that. A part of me still thinks that, despite what I’ve tried to prove today, good parenting is like pornography — you can’t really define it, but you know it when you see it. 

Hmm. I forget which Gladwell book it was (actually, it might have been “Freakonomics.” I really have no idea), but I remember a passage in it that basically stated that the best parenting is done before a kid is even born. The genes you pass on to him and the financial situation he’s born in do waaaaay more to help (or hurt) him succeed than anything you can do as a parent.

If this is true, perhaps coaching and parenting are more intertwined than I thought. As any Giants fan will surely tell you today, “good coach” is just another way of saying “he was lucky enough to have some good ass players.”

¹There’s an article at Slate.com that goes much more in-depth on this “ritual.” I remember reading it there, and I know it’s somewhere in here, but I couldn’t find it yesterday.

 

²No shots at any assistant principals reading this

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)