Beyoncé: Hittin’ the heisman on these hoes since 1998
Let’s be clear: Beyoncé releases an album, I buy an album. I’m far from a “YAAASSSSSSSSS B*TCH YASSSSSSS” member of the Beyhive, but sometimes I think Ludacris wrote the hook for “Stand Up” with Queen Bey (I will be using Queen Bey for the rest of this writing because I’m tired of the special character tap-dance I have to do in order to achieve the accent aigu her mother felt the need to put at the end of her name) in mind since well, when she moves, we move…just like that.
Well, most of us anyway. Truth be told, I was about to rest soundly and humbly in my abode that fateful December evening (last Thursday evening) when it seemed like all of the people who would usually post misguided selfies on my Instagram feed began posting the pictures of an album for sale by Queen Bey. This made no sense to me since we’d received nary a video, single or peep about a new album. But lo and behold, there it was.
Which, in a strange way, totally made up for the craptastic and lazy ass end to Scandal’s third season halfway mark. It’s almost like Shonda Rhimes knew and was like, “f*ck it, we’ll just toss this hot garbage onto their televisions because an hour later they’ll get a Queen Bey album and forget all about us.” Which worked. Because iTunes.
Much has been said about this album already. It’s raunchy. She’s either setting back feminism 100 years or pushing it forward. I honestly have no idea. In fact, the Internet has ruined my understanding of feminism to the point where I really have no clue what its all about. Or womanism for that matter (because that’s a thing too right?) All because of the million or so articles written about Queen Bey and feminism (or lack thereof…or something). I mean, I want equality and all that jazz too. I just like people. Can anybody explain that?
The most significant piece of this album was how she did it. I know we all want to think of her as a genius, but I read online somewhere that this was done because the label didn’t support the album to the point of promoting it because of how it might impact her image. And it is definitely an album that’s taken her sexuality and freedom to a whole new level. She’s a woman who owns it and that’s on display and a good thing. Listening to it, I can see how labels that have her boxed into a lane might be concerned about what the reception she might be. But they forgot that whole…
…when she moves, we move. Just like that.
There was a time back in the mid-2000s where I used to joke that Andre 3000 could have dropped an album full of dogs barking and dudes would still have found merit in it like, “you ain’t never heard dogs bar like they just did for 3 Stacks.” Well Bey has been there for eons at this point. F*ck a navy, Bey’s fans are somewhat insane and off-balance. So she drops an album and Internet might break (from what I gather, iTunes actually did crash for a bit). I feel like if she dropped an album of her own recording of the Brenda Lee “Sweet Nothin’s sample of “uh huh honey” made famous by Kanye’s “Bound 2″ she’d sell a milli.
Of course, Bey is not without her detractors. For every fan is a person who still doesn’t get the hype. She can sing but she can’t touch Fantasia or Jennifer Hudson or Mariah. She dances like Keri Hilson after three years of dance lessons from Darrin Henson and Devyne Stephens (who still to date is reigning king of the most hilarious hard-core/dancin-arse-ninja video ever for “Uh Huh” from way back in the day. I mean my man walks out the door with the thug walk then hits a ballet step. You can’t make this stuff up.). But at this point, to hate on Queen Bey is more for yourself than others. I saw a joke online that said something to the effect of “Y’all act like dropping an album that nobody knows about is new. Keri Hilson does it all the time”, which…ouch, but in today’s day and age the fact that she managed to pull this off is a bigger story than the album which is good, and I happily enjoy still having access to “Bow Down” though its linked by a very wonderful
spoken word piece portion of a TED talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Achidie (who I’d never heard of before but am glad to be aware of now) that doesn’t match the song so well, but that’s alright.
There’s a song called “Drunk In Love” that features a Jay verse that makes me think he didn’t know of the album’s existence either til early Thursday afternoon when she told him to put a verse on it. But that’s okay…because Jay-Z. Every woman in America with this album seems to love this song which makes me realize how many women really aspire to drunken sex with their men. I suppose since Bey already covered single ladies, she decided to grace us with a drunk chick anthem which humorously mentions the word “surfboard”. The song “Swag Surfin’” didn’t even mention a surfboard. That Beyoncé (broke my pledge) is always ahead of the game. Such a cute song.
If I had a quarter for every time I received a text message that said, “boy I’m drankin”, well…quarters. There’s even the cute song featuring Blue Ivy entitled “Blue”. Awwww.
I know its not a popular opinion amongst ninjas who are supposed to be music people and/or just know better, but I truly appreciate Beyoncé. Not only does she snatch wigs without folks even knowing it, she lets other think they’re winning by not making a peep before snatching their wigs. Bow down indeed. You may be saying to yourself, did Panama just spend 4-6 minutes of my precious time talking about Beyoncé?
Yes, I did. YAAASSSSSS B*TCH.
Queen Bey made me get out of my bed, walk down my stairs to my really cold bottom level, pick up my computer, carry it back up my stairs, turn it on, and spend $15 of my child’s college fund on an album I didn’t know existed until the Internets lost their collective mind.
It’s the least I could do for Queen Bey.
In the words of Diddy, you can hate me now. You’re welcome.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. YAASSSSSSSSSSSS aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3