The World We Have Vs. The World We Want

Make no mistake, Geraldo is an idiot. To lay blame on “the hoodie” as being even one IOTA responsible for Trayvon Martin’s death (in context) is ethnically naive and lazy at best and irresponsible at worst. Even his own son has come out against his comments.

But being objective about it, I understand what he was getting at. He just got it wrong and shouldn’t have said it. Geraldo was clumsily talking about the age old debate about the world you have versus the one you want. And it’s a debate that each and every parent is faced with early on in the lives of their children.

See, the hoodie that Trayvon was wearing (and by default Trayvon, himself) is no more responsible for his death than the Arizona Ice Tea can that he had in his hand. The little bit that we do know implies that all fault lies entirely with George Zimmerman, who was a vigilante with a gun who thought he wielded power in a situation where he had none. Zimmerman made two mistakes that night. 1) He profiled a young Black man (not a crime); and 2) he killed a young Black man because of the profiling (an obvious crime). To pretend that the Black man piece of it isn’t the predominant part by blaming a hoodie is ignorance that only Gucci Mane could appreciate.

In that vein though, we’re going to focus on the first bullet.

H. Rap Brown once said that “violence is as American as cherry pie.” I’d like to add an addendum to that and say that “profiling is ALSO as American as cherry pie.” Everybody profiles. Each and every one of us do it. It’s a learned act. We take all of the various pieces of information that we’ve obtained over the course of our lives and judge everybody we see.

Black people are especially egregious when it comes to profiling. We do it to each other probably as much if not more than white people do it. The big difference? White people do it out of fear…many of us do it because we are preparing for what’s likely to go down. We just tend to know. When I was younger, my father used to tell me to always survey my surroundings and if I had the slightest inkling that something or somebody didn’t look right to get the f*ck out of dodge. Between that and “don’t get her pregnant”, my father thought he had my life covered. My father’s advice to me was to profile people. And then make a decision based on what you think you see. And ALWAYS err on the side of caution.

Because if I’m right, I’m right. But if I’m wrong, I could have been right, so I’m never wrong, just in case I was right. (Incidentally George Zimmerman proved this adage incorrect once you take it upon yourself to directly act out on your suspicions of wrong.)

As confusing as that statement is, that mental math is a calculation that many of us do on a daily basis. Which is what I think Geraldo was getting at in a weird and f*cked up way. See, in the world we live in, ninjas in hoodies, at night, tend to be ones that are out doing dirt. Right?

Wrong.

His problem, and the problem of so many individuals in authority is that they run with the idea that Black man in hoodie = potential criminal. The fact that anybody would suggest that minorities should stop wearing ANY clothing for which the power structure can misconstrue is a problem for me. All hoodies are not created equal apparently because you can’t tell me that a white dude rocking a Hollister hoodie looks like a potential criminal to law enforcement…except if you put a little liquor in him then he IS the scariest mofo ON THE PLANET.

It’s all about race. And Geraldo either doesn’t know, doesn’t show, or doesn’t care to accept this fact.

The world we have. In the world we have its not out of bounds for somebody to suggest that we, again, attempt to assimilate ourselves into the most plain Jane existence in order to not scare the living f*ck out of any white person who may end up killing us with the long arm of the law on his side. Because those poor white agressors/victims/individuals only know what they’ve seen on television, the negatives that are mostly self-inflicted. No wonder why we keep begging for positive images on television. We need to create a fantastical positive to balance out so much of the f*ck sh*t that we create in real life. Everybody who has been screaming about the need for concern over black-on-black crime is absolutely right. White man killing Black man can’t be where this ends.

In the world we want however, none of that should even matter. None of it. In the world most of us want we would never have to worry about our Black children NOT coming home because of any number of activities or what their wearing being the vital component of that which might render them dead. And death by police above all else. That’s white privilege that I’d love to experience.

I have a Black female friend who constantly leaves her laptop in the backseat of her car, fully exposed. Every time I question her about it she mentions that nobody will steal it because why would anybody steal her laptop. Basically, it’s hers and its in her car. Hers. I’m often baffled by this because, well, I’ve lived in the hood and I’ve had my sh*t taken. By my next door neighbor. To me, it seems like an inevitability. To her it seems inconceivable that anybody would steal her stuff. She lives in the world I want. I live in the world we have. And our mentalities cross paths without ever touching one another. Must be the power of positive thinking because she’s yet to be a victim (knocks on wood) and I’ve been victimized enough for three white people to film a viral video.

In the world that we want, George Zimmerman see’s a young Black man walking in a hoodie and it doesn’t necessarily signal to him that “somebody’s out of place”. But I hate to say that there’s a vast majority of us out here who, given certain circumstances, would make a similar judgement and that’s the most troubling part of it all. I’m proud that we’re all out here with our hoodies on calling for justice, I just hope that we remember that same lesson when we go to our respective homes and see somebody walking down our empty street in a hoodie.

I wonder if we’d all make the assumption that we are pissed that Zimmerman didn’t make…that he’s just somebody going somewhere, nothing more nothing less. And I don’t know how true that is. And that is very conflicting for me because if I’m the sum total of my experience, then chances are, I’m going to profile somebody tomorrow.

In the world I want, Trayvon Martin could have walked home without being hassled at all. In the world we have, that couldn’t happen. But not because Zimmerman profiled, but because he didn’t have the sense to NOT play God. It’s not out of bounds for somebody to see somebody they deem suspicious and call the police to have it checked out. Yeah we’d be mad for the profiling but no life would be lost.And it should stop there with more continued calls to end institutional profiling.

I’ll never tell me daughter that she can’t wear something as to not scare or piss of white people. My father told me that once because of some clothes I was rocking and it offended me to no end. I should be able to wear what I want. And my father said, “should doesn’t have sh*t to do with anything.” His point? Life isn’t fair. For some of us, the world is against you from day one.

“Law isn’t necessarily justice.”

Imagine that.

So what world do you prepare your children for? And what world do you live in?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. YES I’M WEARING THAT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

***On a lighter note: peep the Trailer for Madame Noire’s “Ask A Black Man” web-series where Panama Jackson is featured in two episodes. First episode debuts on March 28th!***

This Is Funny, You’re Laughing And Now Somebody Might Need To Die: Jokes You Should Never Make To A Man

Yeah she shouldn't have talked about my mama...but that triple homicide may not have been the best response. Damn shame what they did to that dog.

Here’s a theory I’d like to posit for everybody to stew on:

When men take shots, people laugh and women say “I’ll get you back later!”; when women take shots, awkward silences ensue and it is highly likely that somebody might have to die.

Think about that for a minute.

See, it’s not that women who take shots are truly trying to hurt the men they’re dealing with. Actually, that’s not true at all. The women taking shots are usually going for the jugular because a man made a joke at her expense and everybody laughed. He says, “your cooking tasted like cardboard” people laughed and she got in her feelings and then she says, “well at least my mother wasn’t a whore. Like a real one too y’all. This ho determined how many new shoes they’d get for school based on how many blow jobs she’d given. What? Why you lookin at me like that. You know it’s true. Oh, you can’t take a joke when its directed at you? Double standard, hypocritical little d*cked b*tch!”

Yeah, it goes something like that.

It’s not that women aren’t good people. Obviously women are it’s just that men tend to keep jokes at that level. Even if we don’t love our women’s food, we’re still going to eat it because 1) we need to eat to live; and 2) good or bad cook, this is the woman we’re hitching our horse too. Women view certain jokes as an affront to their personage and then attempt to regain leverage…

…by blowing up the entire house. Everything goes from a 2 to a 10 when women decide to enter the Wu-Tang…or fray.

The fact that women always seem to make the biggest public spectacle of their bombshell jokes doesn’t help.

Which means that somebody might have to die. Maybe it’s because when men make jokes nobody takes us serious, but women ALWAYS sound serious when levying a joke that sounds more like a factual allegation. Or just going straight for a man’s most insecure space. Woe is us ladies. Such as?

Well here is a list of jokes that you shouldn’t make to a man lest you want somebody to possibly end up dead.

1. Tiny wang

Not sure why a woman in a relationship would call out her man in public about his wang length, “jokingly” but that’s a definite go to. And we all know how much false pride us menfolks tie to our wangs. Plus a man who’s been accused of having a wee wang is immediately in defend himself mode which means one of three things will happen: 1) he’ll whip it out on the table and say, “see, measure me b*tch”; 2) he’ll say something wildly inappropriate like, “well you weren’t saying that last night while you were choking on it” or “call your girl Trudy, she’ll vouch for me…remember?”; or 3) he’ll get irate, turn over a table and say “f*ck you b*tch” which will then require you to get upset and next thing you know a hockey game breaks out. This has no upside.

2. That he’s broke

Another surefire go to. Women like to hit where it hurts. He knows he’s broke. You couldn’t say that his tie selection was wacksauce? Nope. You said that he’s broke and outline things he can’t afford that you’d want. And of course you mention the tiny things like that KitchenAid mixer…not that $1K Tiffany’s bracelet that you really want. Oh wait, you’re saying that KitchenAid sh*t costs long dough. Oh wait you’re saying that women never ask for cheap sh*t. Well shut my mouth wide open.

3. His mama

This one should be fair game except women notoriously suck at the dozens. Women don’t make innocuous jokes, women say sh*t like, “well that’s why your mama can’t pay her bills and I’ve been paying them sh*ts for two months. Boom kat. What? Why are you looking at me like that? That’s funny, right…*looking towards audience at fully packed Tyler Perry play*? ” Double whammy.

4. Smanging his homeboy

See…as far as we know, women are loyal and tend to not rock the boat if they can help it. So when you jokingly tell us that you smashed the homie, well…it doesn’t sound like a joke. And now we have to go to our boy prepared to murder him. And who wants to do that? Plus with all of the paperwork…the admin work is just a nightmare by itself. No matter how many times you say, “Baby, I’m just playing” you’ve already planted that seed because well, who the f*ck makes a joke like that? Again…women go too f*cking far.

5. That he isn’t a real man

This one is probably the murkiest on this list, but women have a certain way of jokingly emasculating a dude. Of course if he’s got on an apron making cupcakes he’s fair game. However, re-visit the scene from Crash where Thandie Newton got felt up by the cop and Terrance Howard just watched. Let’s say 2 years later you all have moved on, but some random instance occurs and you say to your man, “well your b*tch ass did let me get felt up by a cop because you weren’t man enough to step to him! Ole b*tch n*gga. But you’re the man I chose to love. My mama told me about you. Oh well. Let’s go to Target.” Don’t be mad if your man kills a cop later that day on your behalf. I’m just saying.

So there’s the man list. What say you all? Make sense? What are other things you shouldn’t joke with a man about?

Open sesame.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T SHOOT ME aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Oh, And About Assholes And The Women Who Love Them…

It happens at least once a season. Someone on a few high profile blogs or websites will state their particular take about the whole “women are attracted to assholes” thing, and, as was seen last week at JezebelThe National ReviewMale Fide, and Chateau Heartiste, each of the (combined) thousands of responses these articles will generate will fit into one of eight categories.

1. Women using anecdotal evidence to deny that women are attracted to assholes. 

2. Women saying that it is true…for young women and stupid women. Mature women don’t  fall for the same tricks

3. Women saying “It’s not that we like assholes, it’s just that “nice” guys are usually assholes in disguise. So, why not just deal with the real thing?”

4. Women reluctantly agreeing with the theory that asshole men are generally more attractive to women, and cursing God for giving them such predictable vaginas

5. Women happily agreeing that it’s true that women are into jerks. 

6. Men using anecdotal evidence to state that assholes don’t win. (i.e. “I’m a nice guy, and I stay swimming in ass, yo.“)

7. Men stating that assholes do win, and also saying that any woman (or man) who doesn’t agree is being dishonest.

8. Men stating that assholes win, and using this info as proof that women are generally f*cked up people, and also using it as an excuse for why their lame ass hasn’t gotten any p*ssy since Big P*ssy was still alive on “The Sopranos”

Where do I stand in all of this? While I don’t think that women are inherently attracted to assholes per se, I do believe that many of the characteristics that turn women’s panties into Niagara Falls happen to be possessed in abundance by men who happen to be assholes.

I do not think this is a coincidence, though. Men (and women) who happen to be at the top of the food chain are given more asshole-leeway. A 10 can get away with more sh*t than a 7 can. Also, since they’re used to people treating them like they’re the sh*t, they possess less incentive not to be assholes.

It’s funny, though. A part of me wants to believe that not being as asshole is the way to go, but both anecdotal and observational evidence doesn’t agree with that. Even from my own personal experience, I’ve found that being me, but an aloof, distant, apathetic, and (somewhat) mysterious me does actually work better than being an open and, dare I say it, “nice” me.

Anyway, that’s enough from me today. People of VSB.com, how exactly do you feel about the theory that women are generally attracted to assholes? Also, which one of the eight are you?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Well I Wasn’t Beefin, But I Am Now!

Don't need no words.

In light of yesterday’s post about Ne-yo’s song “When You’re Mad”, I got to thinking about how a lot of beef starts betwixt men and women in the first place. I honestly believe that a vast majority, say 60 percent, of beef between us comes from miscommunication, 10 percent comes from actual doinwrongedness, and the last 30 comes from totally fabricated non-sense helmed at the whimsy of women who drum up issues like a white cat from Georgetown on a djemba drum.

Now it isn’t to say that men can’t drum up issues too. We absolutely can. But let’s be real, most men would prefer to just stroll through life all willy nilly without even the lightest whiff of drama. Frankly, men generally don’t think there’s anything wrong even when wrong is slapping us around with sacks full of nickels. And if we don’t think anything’s wrong, we ain’t bringing anything up to be discussed. Kind of like women never think they’re wrong, men never think anything’s wrong.

How we manage to deal long enough to procreate is beyond me. Thank goodness for pr0n and Coldstone Creamery. No pun intended.

I’ve said it before, and I do truly believe this, that many women need a certain amount of chaos in order to feel comfortable in life. The ability to leave well enough alone makes almost NO sense to so many women I know it’s amazing. The slightest artifact of “difference” requires a full on disclosure that something’s amiss which usually starts a chain of events towards argument and discord. Women are creatures of relationship habit (even if they wish most of our habits would change or at least change upwards towards pretending we’re lovestruck saps who think The Notebook and The Vow are aspirational goals AND good ways to love our women…no.) so as soon as something seems off…even if its not…the problems begin.

And us men? We’re fine…until we’re not because you told us we weren’t fine because I’m not fine even though I am and perhaps you think too much and your quest for security means poking the bear JUST to make sure things are okay by directly implying that things aren’t okay…like…

1. “You seem distant.”

You know how you can spend all day texting mofos back and forth? It’s really a double edged sword. Don’t do it if you can help it. See, its sets up precedence, woman’s favorite noun after “wang”. The moment you get busy and there’s a lull in text messaging, as a man, you either get the “you seem distant” or “what’s the problem?”. Or my personal favorite, “is something up?”

Now, unless there’s a problem (and men would know what the problem is even if we deny it; hey, we suck. Sue us.), we’re like, “naw, I’m good. how are you?” To which she replies with, “well you just haven’t been texting me as much as usual so I figured something must have happened. Oh my gosh? Did your mother die? That has to be the reason you haven’t been texting me today, right?”

At the point the man is like, “naw, i’m cool. I’m chillin” then many women need a reason why he’d change his habit turning an argument that never was into an discussion that shouldn’t be. Why fore come brotha man can’t just be chillin? No wonder the Chinese are winning the wang race, ladies.

2. “you’re so quiet, what’s the matter?”

Um. Nothing. This will be debated for eons, I’m sure of it. But women just cannot believe that men can sit in silence and literally not be thinking about sh*t. Hell, I’m starting to think its a gift AND a talent. We can be driving; getting our kicks on route 66, in silence then all of a sudden, “what are you thinking about?”

Him: Nothing.

Her: You can’t be thinking about nothing. You have to be thinking about something.

Him: Nope. I mean now I’m thinking about you requiring me to be thinking about something as opposed to the peaceful state I was in a few moments ago.

Her: See. You are thinking about something. Tell me about it.

Him: I just want to sit here in silence and chill.

Her: So you’re saying that you don’t want to talk to me?

Him: No, I’m just saying that right now I’d just like to chill because I have nothing to talk about. It has nothing to do with you.

Her: So you are saying you don’t want to talk to me AND you’d rather be silent? That’s f*cked up. Fine.

Fellas all know what “fine” means. It means we just got into argument because my manhood disrupted the woman’s chaos theory of existence.

Oh, and by the way for all you women who are going to say, “Panama, I don’t know what kind of immature women you deal with who would act like that.” Poppycock. I deal with you. Yes, the general and universal “you”. I’ve had this EXACT same instance come up with every.single.woman. I’ve ever dated.

And I’m sure every dude has too.

3. “Well, do you want me to do XYZ?”

Ladies, come close. Common. Why is it so imperative for every motherlovin’ situation to come with a stamp from the man saying that he explicitly WANTS you to do something? I honestly think that annoys us more than anything. If I ask you if you’re going to do something with me, why must you the mindf*ck the situation by manipulating me into saying that I do indeed want you to do it. If I ask, it’s because I’m good with you doing it. I honestly want to understand that one. What’s the big damn deal with that one ladies!?!?!?!? Make it make sense. Touch it on the inside.

So ladies, help me understand those statements and need for whatever it is that’s needed that would force some of you all to ask those questions the way that you do the things that you do. Men are listening. We want to know.

And ladies, what do men do say and ask that drives you nuts? I believe in fairness and it is Friday. Let ‘errr rip.

Put ‘em on the glass people.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GLASSMAN JUGGLEM aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Don’t forget that tomorrow night in DC is #ReminisiceDC, at Liv Nightclub! Free entry before 11pm with RSVP (www.reminiscedc.eventbrite.com) ($10 after). OPEN BAR from 930-1030pm and no dress code. DOORS at 930PM. Come party with Panama!!

Five Legitimately F*cked Up Things All Men Do To Women (Yes. All.)

"You sure you don't want some Kool-Aid? I'll even get you some ice. And a pickle."

We’ve all been there before.

Girl invites boy over for movies, lukewarm purple Kool-Aid, and the unspoken assertion that, unless Boy shows up smelling like pickles or dressed like Chris Brown, Boy and Girl are going to have sex that night. Boy manages not to mess things up, and, lo and behold, the night ends with Boy and Girl making the beast with two backs. Boy and Girl have had sex with each other before, so this is no big deal. But, for whatever reason, sex seems to be a bit more intense tonight. The “mac and cheese” sound¹ is in full effect as moans are a little louder, growls are a little deeper, and the concept of time is a complete non-motherf*cking factor. Boy has a laser beam-like focus on Girl’s various spots, making Girl speak languages that have been dead for five centuries. When Girl eventually climaxes, the earth will shake, the moon will blush, and the ghosts of Ikea will place a phantom order to replace Girl’s soon to be broken bed. Girl enthusiastically lets Boy know that she’s 32 to 47 seconds away from orgasm, a statement that excites Boy and forces him hit spots with even more precision. Unfortunately, Boy becomes a bit too excited, and Boy climaxes right when Girl has hit the 5 to 8 second mark. Boy, realizing Girl’s thisclose to a cop calling orgasm, tries to finish the job, but isn’t erect enough to hit Girl’s spots anymore. Seconds later, Boy is completely flaccid. Boy rolls over, says “I’m sorry” and offers to get Girl some lukewarm Kool-Aid while Girl lays in bed and wonders if a female judge would acquit her if she happens to kill Boy but tells the judge her reasoning for the murder.

Regardless of age, color, creed, and feelings about Linsanity, every sexually active man reading this has “stopped short” before. We can’t help it. Even though we know that if we can hold off for just 10 more seconds your body will turn hot day fire hydrant, sometimes we’re just unable to stop.

Sure, there are certain ways to prolong things when this happens (i.e.: think about Kurt Cobain, switch positions, scream “Don’t move a gotdamn inch!!!!”, etc), but sometimes things reach a point of no return, and the woman’s near climax will be forever lost to the deep, dark, surprisingly damp, and surprisingly angry space in space where “close, but not quite orgasms” eventually settle.

Anyway, “stopping short” is just one of the many legitimately f*cked up things all men do to women, and here’s four more. 

2. Eat all of your food, and drink each of your beverages

Out of all the things on this list, this one isn’t really our fault. You can’t say things like “Make yourself at home.” and then get pissed when we take you to your word and eat all of your leftover pizza, half of your Cheetos, each of your lettuce wraps, and a full slab of your turkey bacon. 

3. Pretend like we did absolutely nothing to encourage women to continue flirting with us

It’s usually nothing too disrespectful or too egregious. But, despite how much we feign ignorance, we know when women are flirting with us, and we also know that all it takes to dead the flirting is to act indifferent, apathetic, or even occasionally annoyed. Despite this knowledge, we’ll still return the smile or the hug or the lunch invitation or even ever so slightly laugh at her attempt at “Ok, I’m going to say something that’s supposed to be funny. It’s clearly not, though. Let’s see if he takes the bait and laughs” humor.

4. Intentionally give awful dating advice

My favorite is when men suggest that, since it’s the 21st century, chicks need to “woman up” and start approaching guys.

Nevermind the fact that no man in the history of mandom has ever been in a happy and healthy relationship with a woman who approached, bagged, and pursued him. We’re generally lazy motherf*ckers who just enjoy when women put in some of the work…even though these “working” women probably aint ever gonna make it past the 2am Wendy’s drive-thru.

5. Pretend like we’re completely unable to remember birthdays, anniversaries, plans, shopping instructions, and any other information more important to you than it is to us

Admittedly, I probably do this more than anything else on the list. I can tell you exactly what Michael Jordan’s average PPG was in the 86-87 NBA season without googling it (37.1), but if a woman I happen to be seeing asks me to remember to pick up some eggs and celery from the store before I come home, my brain all of a sudden turns Tyga as I’ll faux-try to remember those difficult-ass details so hard that I’ll start drooling; a elaborate subterfuge with a clear and precise goal in mind: She never asks me to do that again

Anyway people of VSB, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. Can you think of any other legitimately f*cked up things all men regularly do to women? Also, fellas, can you think of legitimately sh*tty sh*t that all women do to us?

¹When sex is very good, it sounds like a pot of mac and cheese being mixed with a wooden spoon.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)