Category Archives: lists

Five Ways Black Movies Can Do Better

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Um, yeah.

“…while there have been quite a few entertaining Black movies produced in the last decade or so, the only ones that would be categorized as “very good” or “great” in the same way a “Boyz n the Hood” or a even a “Devil in a Blue Dress” would be are films like “Precious” that deal with subjects so unrelentingly heavy and depressing that moviegoers should watch them with buckets of hot buttered Zoloft instead of popcorn.”

This quote is from “Three Ways That Black Movies Can Do Better,” an article published at Ebony.com yesterday that discusses how the best term to describe the Black movies made in the last decade or so is “instantly forgettable,” and lists some things that can be done to reverse this trend.

And, while I think the three things I listed (1. Bring The Sexy Back, 2. Chill With All The Church Scenes, and 3. Hire Angela Nissel) represent a good, safe start, my word count limit and the fact that, for obvious reasons, I can’t be as, um, “colorful” as I want to be when writing there limited what I was able to say…and how I was able to say it.

Today, here’s the rest of what I would have said yesterday if I wasn’t strong-armed by the Team Ebony Drop Squad.¹

4. Chill With The Got Damn Positive F*cking Messages All The Damn Time

Two of the three best Black movies I’ve seen in the last decade² both had cameos from numerous porn stars and strippers, both revolved around pimps who did some truly effed up things during the course of the movie, both dealt with a seedy urban underworld, and both featured dozens of hilariously misogynistic, racist, and homophobic jokes. And while “Black Dynamite” and “Hustle & Flow” were entirely different types of movies, part of what made them as entertaining as they were was the fact that they reveled in and had fun with some very “unpositive” subject matter. Yet, despite the fact that they were both good movies that featured numerous working Black people, neither got anywhere near the guilt-trip marketing push that “positive” or “important” movies like “Red Tails” usually receive.

I understand why Black filmmakers may feel burdened to always have some type of positive message in their movies. Generally speaking, we (Black film goers) are some thin-skinned motherf*ckers who will think nothing of creating a petition to protest anything less than an onscreen depiction of a “Black life” that never actually existed.

Still, despite the inevitable push back from the Black Blog Tea Party, I think there’s enough of us who don’t necessarily need to have positive and/or message-laden shit pushed down our throats to have a good time at the movies, and I think we’re ready for some Black filmmakers to start having some more quality and ratchet fun.

5. More Nicole Beharie

I don’t believe in the Illuminati, but I do believe that there’s a secret Black society led by Steadman Graham (Why Steadman? Because he doesn’t have shit else do to.) that forces each burgeoning Black producer or director to cast either Paula Patton, Taraji P. Henson, or Meagan Good in their movies. I know it seems far-fetched, but it has to be the only reason why one of those three chicks has been in every single Black movie made in the past eight years.

I know secret societies love them some fresh blood to hold their ceremonies with, so why not cast Beharie in one of those roles? She’s hot, she’s talented, she’s wicked smart, and, wait…did I mention how hot she is?

Anyway people of VSB.com, what do you think needs to happen to make Black movies less damn forgettable? What additions or subtractions would you make if you were Black Movie Czar for a day?

¹Just to be clear, I realize there are a ton of indie Black films that would definitely qualify as quality and entertaining. Today though, I’m more focused on major motion pictures. 
²The third movie? “Akeelah and the Bee”

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

***For all the folks in the DC area, this Saturday, April 7, from 930pm-3am at Liv Nightclub (11th and U Street, NW) is another edition of #REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything brought to you by VSB, Shine On Me, and Just Cause Events. It’s FREE BEFORE 11 w/RSVP (reminiscedc.eventbrite.com), a Courvoisier sponosred open bar from 930-1030pm, and no dress code! It’s cheaper to come out and party. Last month’s party was OFF THE HINGES! Somebody shook my hand when they left and just said, “Thanks P, for throwing this party…” <—- not lying. So come and make it do what it do this Saturday at Reminisce!***

Tremendous Repeat: Play That Song Again and Again…

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Do you remember iTunes? Me neither.

But apparently before Pandora was the king of the jungle, I’d fire up my iTunes at work and keep my day grooving. Well it turns out that my Pandora was taking up too much bandwith at work and it caused IT to say phooey to Pandora. So it’s back to the iTunes.

Well, out of curiosity, I decided to see what my most played songs ever (we’re talking over half a decade here) on my iTunes are. And I figured, what the hell, it’s Friday. It might be kind of cool to see what OTHER people have as their most played songs (assuming you listen to music). And if you don’t, I feel sorry for your mudda. No Menace. And no Madame Noire hater commenters. #shotsfired

Anyway, here are my 5 most repeated songs (in order) ever on my iTunes. (And some of these have repeat totals in the thousands)

1. Psapp – Cosy In The Rocket

This is the theme song from Grey’s Anatomy. When I tell you I love this song, I mean I want to hug and kiss and hold and cuddle the music on this song. Seriously, the music on this has such a hypnotic feel to it I get lost in it every time. And I STILL have no clue what in the fuck they’re talking about on it. I just know its gangsta. I wish I could produce a song like this. In fact, I don’t think I’ll stop trying until I make something that hits me the way this did the very first time I heard it.

2. Phyllis Hyman – Be Careful (How You Treat My Love)

I remember the first time I ever really listened to Phyllis Hyman. It was at my boy’s crib some years ago. He played her big hit “You Know How To Love Me” and its a good song but it didn’t really draw me in. I’d heard of her but I wasn’t all enthralled. So one day, I was in Tower Records (remember those?) blowing money fast and I saw this compilation, so I picked it up. The next day I was driving to New York and I put it in as I left my street.

Do you know I listened to this one CD on the entire 4 hour drive to NY. AND on the way back. This song? It made a fan, a believer, and a sad sap out of me. Her voice is so beautiful I can’t believe I never discovered it before. And the way she sings on this song nearly brought a tear to my eyes. Shit sounds authentic even if she didn’t write it. You betta…bee-eeee-eee careful how you treaaaaaaaaaaaat my loooooooooooove. Hands down one of my favorite songs ever. This is the second most played song on my iTunes and only because I intentionally stopped myself from listening to it.

This song also made me really really sad that she took her own life. Then again, that fits in right nice with my other favorite singers who have tragically met their end or got head in the whip one too many times.

3. Jefferson Airplane - Somebody To Love

Between the drugs, white rabbits, and peace signs, I love hippie sh*t from the 60′s and ’70s. Most of it was just so fun and drug oriented. Not that I’m into drugs or anything. Just say no! However, Jefferson Airplane was that hot drug music way before Cam’ron and Dipset flooded the market. They were the Clipse before Malicious’s niece felt that chinchilla. Of course the difference being they were using it and the other ninjas are distributing but we’re just splitting hairs. Hell the album this song came from was called Surrealistic Pillow. If that ain’t a drug induced album title, well slap me silly and call me Susan. My name is not Susan. RIP Whitney.

All I know is that I love this song and Grace Slick’s voice works really well with their sound. Viva white rabbits and San Francisco!

4. Blue Oyster Cult - (Don’t Fear) The Reaper

This is an old school rock song from the 70′s. Talk about a weird ass group but this song knocks hard as hell. It has a very subdued sound to it but its some quality good gangsta music, trust me. It reminds me of drinking Long Island Iced Teas with my homey C-Breeze sitting under some trees down in the West Indies…word life. I don’t know how many of you boho’s out there are anti rock ‘n roll but this is definitely a good song to have in the repertoire. Sounds like something Babyface would have written if he wasn’t black, was high, wasn’t into R&B, and was into strange pseudo-weird rock ‘n roll.

See, just like Babyface.

5. Rick James featuring Smokey Robinson – Ebony Eyes

Two things to say with this song: 1) I do not like Smokey Robinson, at all. I can only think of like 2 of his songs that I like, maybe 3 and they were all with the Miracles. 2) I remember hearing this for the first time like five years ago. I’m so ashamed.

When I tell you I can’t get enough of a particular song…well, I suppose that would mean I can’t get enough of a particular song. This song would be one in particular that I can’t get enough of…particularly. “And I bet you didn’t know thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…ebony eyes…” This is the kind of song you sing to a woman you’re really feeling but since its so goofy feeling you can mess it up and have all kinds of fun with it. You should own this song.

Actually, you should own every song I tell you about. All my choices are topshelf homey. No bottom shelf here.

I am Panama Jackson.

Love me.

So what’s on your most played songs list? Happy Friday motherlovers!

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GO IN ON MADAME NOIRE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Make sure you check out both the video AND comments section for the first episode of Liz’s production for Madame Noire, Ask A Black Man. The comments section alone is worth the price of admission.

Also, peep the 2nd episode of WTF Iz Rong w/ Panama Jackson where he waxes philosophical about philosophical things. Shamone.

 

Separate, But Equal For The Greater Good!

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Emo is also know as Marvin's Room.

Separate, but equal.

Such powerful words. They created the basis for Jim Crow and laundromats. And zoos. Definitely zoos. Well over time I’ve come to learn that with all of the progress we’ve made with integration (whether or not integration was a good thing is rightfully debatable), that while being able to drink from the same drinking fountain f*cking rocks, there are some instances where perhaps, separate, but equal just might be better. In some ways, thats the premise that the Black Panthers were working with. Allow our communities to police ourselves because we couldn’t trust the power structure as it was to justly address the issues of our community.

Then came crack.

Moving on. The point is, all segregation isn’t a bad thing. I hear you looking at me with odd trepidation. I would be too. But trust me, I’ve recently discovered some areas where perhaps segregation might be beneficial to all parties involved. Eli Porter face. I did that.

And thiiiiiiiiis is where this post takes the turn towards, huh? what? Just keep swimming.

While I have you completely baffled about what direction I’m going, here is a list of things where segregation might be best for us all.

1. Hip-hop dance class

To most white people, all Black people have rhythm, can sing and dance, and are great at basketball. And I, for one, am completely okay with that stereotype. We’re the purveyors of cool. I think white and Black people have come to a comfortable understanding and acceptance that we’ve got this entertainment thing on lock. So imagine just how disappointing (and upsetting) it would be if the Black chick in the hip-hop dance class sucked at dancing. Hell, I’d be disappointed and I KNOW all Black people can’t dance. Plus, Black people wouldn’t be subject to being taught “Black culture” by white teachers who call themselves things like DJ Scriggety Scratch who start all classes by saying “peace” forcing us to want to jackslap and mollywop somebody to make penance for the blatant disrespect of our culture. Or something. Point is, segregated hip-hop dance class is a win for everybody. Khaled.

2. Any establishment that serves soul food

As we’ve said plenty of times on this here site, down South, Black and white people pretty much eat the same sh*t. Hell, back in slavery days, we were the ones cooking for massa and ‘nem so it makes sense that on Thanksgiving day in the South, everybody’s eating the same thing (with the exception of the large Hispanic population who are likely NOT eating hogmaws). Do you know how difficult it is for some Black people to eat chicken AND/OR watermelon in front of white people? I know people who refuse to do so as to not be stereotypical. Well, if we mandated segregated soul food eating then we, the Black people, could be free to eat our stereotypical food in peace while they, the white people, could be free to eat the most bland deviled eggs of all time without worrying about anybody trying to put paprika on them. Everybody wins.

3. The movies

Hear me out. This kind of probably happens already anyway depending on the movie. But if there’s one place where stereotypes get reinforced, its the movie theater. Word.Life. Ninjas do hoodrat things with their friends at the movies. And I assume white people do too. We just tend to be a little more auditory. I remember going to see Bamboozled when it came out in Atlanta and much to my surprise there was a very mixed crowd. Well, we talked through the whole damn movie. Amenning it up. Yelling and booing at the screen. I’m fairly positive that the nice white people didn’t hear half the movie because I know that I didn’t hear half the movie. Picture a Tyler Perry movie experience on opening weekend. Well if we separate, but equate that joint then white people can watch in silence and Black folks can ham it up in loudence…THEN wait for the DVD to come out and purchase that joint ENSURING that Black movies continue to get made since the main reason why so many Black movies can’t get the green-light is because the majority of money made on Black movies comes from DVD sales. If we ain’t buying, they ain’t making. Word to big bird. Again, everybody wins. White folks pay upfront and we take it in the rear. Sounds like life, eh?

4. Men’s bathrooms for Drake fans and for non-Drake fans

In one, there are urinals and stalls. In the other, there are only stalls. I’ll let you assign them accordingly.

Those are just a few examples of places that logically might make sense to segregate, if ya know what I mean, for the greater good. Good people of VSB, got anything else???

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I’M NOT THAT SENSITIVE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Week In Review

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Between countless annual events (i.e.: awards shows, season premieres, etc), weekly regularities (i.e. episodes of “RHOA” or “Basketball Wives”), and more “spontaneous” occurrences (i.e.: Whitney Houston’s funeral, Oprah’s interview with the Houston family, etc), we’ve reached a point in our culture where, for many of us, the collective consumption of a subject matters more than the subject itself. Basically, we careinfinitely more about what’s said on our Twitter timelines about Jim and Chrissy’s relationship on “Love and Hip-Hop” than we do about Jim and Chrissy’s relationship.

This quote is from “Collective Consumerism: It Takes a Village to Watch a TV Show (?)” — an article I wrote at Ebony.com. And while I do still think that the latent premise remains true, I think it’s pretty ironic that I’d write an article talking about how what we consume pales in comparison to our consumption of it in the same week I wrote two posts here talking about the importance of the avalanche of virtual attention the Trayvon Martin case has received. Anyway, if you haven’t checked it out already, please do. (And, if so compelled, leave a comment.)

Panama, aka “The Girl’s BFF,” aka “The Three Goggles” has an interesting post up at Guyspeak this week titled “Man Law Violations That Women Want Us To Engage In”. While he didn’t mention what I consider to be the most annoying Man Law Violation That Women Ask Us To Do — “share food from our plate before we even had a chance to eat it” — the list includes “Wearing Sandals” which, I swear to Baby Jesus, every single woman I’ve ever seriously dated has tried to convince me to do.

If that doesn’t quench your Panama thirst, you can also check out “Ask A Black Man” – Meet Panama Jackson on Madame Noire. And, while you’re over there, make sure to check out the transcript from my weekly live chat on Madame Noire’s Facebook page.

Lastly, the pic up top is from Wednesday’s #millionhoodiemarch in support of Trayvon Martin. We did this already on our Facebook fan page, but if you have any hoodie pics to share, please leave them in the comments below. Because we’re not all that original, we’re going to copy what Urban Cusp has already done try and create a gallery of our own. I know creating a gallery isn’t going to save any lives or right any injustices, but if we’re all going to start doing something, we gotta start somewhere, right?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

5 “Not-All-That-Talked-About” Fears Every Man Has

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I'm sorry. I really don't know what happened to me just now. Would it cheer you up if I made you some eggs? I know eggs can't replace sex, but they are some damn good eggs.

“And that is what I am slowly being enlightened about today. I genuinely had no idea guys worried that much about their women cheating.”

This was a comment left by veteran VSB-er WIP in Monday’s A Conversation About Double Standards And How “Reformed Homosexual Man” = “Promiscuous Woman.” It was a response to the assertion that the threat of female infidelity definitely affects how we  (men) act. And, to be clear, it’s not so much that men worry all day long about whether their mate is cheating on them. The angst and anxiety happen beforehand, as we’re much less likely to choose mates who give off a “Yeah, you’re probably not going to be enough for me” signal.

Anyway, WIP’s lack of awareness of this very real fear made me wonder if there were any other prominent fears held by (many) men that (most) women have absolutely no idea about, and I thought of four more.

2. Unknowingly raising a kid that’s not yours

While many men will willingly help raise the child(ren) of a woman who had kids before they met each other, the prospect of loving, supporting, and protecting a kid who was assumed to be our kid but really isn’t scares us worse than prison, urinal rats, and the thought of period sex with Lisa Lampanelli. In fact, this — the fear of raising a kid who isn’t yours — may be the main reason why “promiscuous woman anxiety” exists.

3. Wang failure at the worst possible time

If “wrong f*cking time wang failure” —- and, for clarity, wrong time wang failure is when you get a once in a lifetime opportunity (i.e.: for whatever reason, Stacey Dash wants you right now) and can’t perform — isn’t bad enough, making it worse is the fact that it’s largely psychosomatic and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, sometimes wang failure occurs just because of how badly you want to sleep with and please this person. Your interest and excitement works against you. And, adding insult to injury, the more you think about it and want it, the less likely you’ll be able to reverse it. Perhaps God isn’t a woman, but studies like this definitely make me think he must be a Kappa.

4. Getting “bitched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman or children

For those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again

5. Unauthorized sperm theft

Out of all the fears, this one is the most irrational. I mean, there’s only like 16 men on the planet important enough that a woman would actually dig in the garbage to retrieve a used condom with the hope that the semen is still able to impregnate her, and I’m pretty sure none of these men read VSB. Also, there’s only like 16 women on the planet desperate and dastardly enough to do something like that, and I’m pretty sure none of the cast members of “The Real Basketball Wives of Hip-Hop” read VSB, either.

Still, despite the irrationality, it is a very real fear that some men have. I even have a friend who told me that, if sleeping with a woman at her house, he always takes the used condoms home. I didn’t have the stomach to ask how exactly he’s transporting them.

Anyway, fellas: Did I miss anything? Can you think of any other fears that women probably don’t know anything about? Also, ladies, is there anything you’re deathly afraid of that would surprise most men if we found out?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)