The People I Hate The Most…by Panama Jackson

Dear the following groups of people,

0A276E0C-1F70-4532-90174222A94B06D7I hate you. And don’t misunderestimate my use of the word hate. I don’t mean it in a “just really get annoyed” type of way. Nope, I have real, visceral feelings towards you. I’d like to pull off your toenails and feed them to llamas while I make you recite every line Morgan Freeman has ever uttered in a movie in Samuel Jackson’s voice. I want to blow dandelion pollen into your face and make you drink skim milk from a saucer. Not even a ceramic one either, like a paper saucer.

Who are you people who are part of the following groups of people for which I addressed this letter by myself, Panama Jackson? You people are the following groups of people:

 People who read while walking

Listen up motherf*cker. I understand that the book you’re reading is so stupendous that you can’t put it down. It’s probably some bullsh*t Malcolm Gladwell wrote. I get it. Read like the wind, grasshopper. But look where the f*ck you are going. Seriously. If you’re a woman you already can’t walk in a straight line when you’re paying attention (yeah, I said it. Shots fired.) But now you’re engrossed in some sh*t that has taken your full attention, meanwhile I’m just trying to get to my final destination without bumping into random motherf*ckers I see in the street, but noooooooooooooooo…here you go, zig zagging like you learned something about how not to get shot from watching Ricky get shot in Boyz N The Hood. And that’s great, don’t get shot and sh*t. In fact, again, read like the wind, grasshopper. Just don’t make ME be the one who has to play minefield with your monkey ass because you’re all over the damn sidewalk. THEN have the nerve to look at me like I got in your way. Eat burnt toast. Sucka nword you can stunt all you wanna stunt, I know you won’t buss a gun yeah punk I’m talkin’ to you!

People who refuse to budge and make room on sidewalks

I won’t say exactly who, but if you want to see what rhymes with sprite friveledge in all its glory, just walk on any sidewalk towards a group of sprite people and you will find yourself engulfed in a game of chicken. One of you is going to have to move so that nobody has to walk in the grass, since you know, sidewalk and sh*t. But I’ll bet you all the 40 acres and mules that the sprite people will NOT move one bit and will EXPECT you to step into the grass so as to not disrupt their gait. Granted, this also works in the kingdom of ninjadom too if the roles are reversed, but since there’s no such thing as Black privilege I’m not even sure what to call it. Payback? The Washington Generals winning a game? Me no know. But if there is a group of Black men (in particular) walking and a white man approaching, that white man is getting THE f*ck out of the way. What I need to see is a group of white males and a group of Black males approaching one another on a small sidewalk. I’m guessing that WESSSYDE Story breaks out. F*ck everybody who won’t move to invoke either sprite frivelege or payback.

And speaking of motherf*ckers who won’t move…

Bicyclists who think that having the right of way means everybody should pay attention but them

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, especially in DC, I hate motherf*ckers on bicycles. Mostly because there is this entitlement that just because you’re saving the environment AND exercising AT THE SAME DAMN TIME you are better than me. You’re only not dying at the hands of my fiberglass molding because the law says its illegal. If you don’t pay attention, that’s not my fault. If I’m making a right turn and YOU come flying past me on my right hand side and almost get kilted, IT IS YOUR F*CKING FAULT, NOT MINE. But you wanna get in your feelings because I’m supposed to pay attention to where you are at all times? Get a bell, b*tch. My car is rock and your bike is scissors. I will crush you. The big guy doesn’t have to know where the little guy is ESPECIALLY when he doesn’t even know the little guy exists. But you are on the road. You know there are cars. Just pay attention dilweed. Because if you talk sh*t from your bike its not like a more unbalanced mofo WON’T try to run you down.

People crossing the street while I have the green light bc pedestrians always have the right of way

Speaking of not respecting machinery. If your monkey ass sees that I have a green light AND AM ON THE WAY THROUGH THE LIGHT, do NOT attempt to try to beat me just because you’ve got nothing better to do with your time than a potential assisted suicide. For one, that’s just f*ckign rude. Ask a n*gga, first. For b, The fastest runners in the world clock in around 23/24 MPH, with Usain Bolt getting upwards of 27 MPH. You are no Usain Bolt. But do you know who is? My car. My car whips Usain Bolt’s ass. Look, you have the right of way. I get it. I really do. But do you know why they put the flashing white man and red man on street corners? For order. It reduces chaos. So when I have a green light, a color designated to me by the somebody as my indication to move forward, and I’m moving forward as indicated and allowed, legally, when you attempt to thwart this freedom, I feel all angsty and sh*t. I do not like feeling angsty. F*cking stop it.

You groups of people are the ones I hate the most. I would love it if you would all kick rocks with open toed sandals.

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Kthxbi,

Panama Jackson

Those are the people/groups of people I hate the most? What you got?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Bougie Black Pick-Up Lines

"You've been Black Girl Running in my mind all night long."

“You’ve been Black Girl Running in my mind all night long.”

Today is Valentine’s Day, a day which likely means one of six things to you:

1. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Absolutely nothing.

3. Absolutely nothing, but since you have a girlfriend/wife who’s all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! about it, you pretend enough for one exclamation point.

4. Subdued happiness. Maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t your favorite day, but it’s cool. And it’s the one day you get to wear red pants without people thinking you’re Dominican.

5. Anxiety. You’re in a new situationship, and what happens today will determine the health and direction of it.

6. Sadness. Long, lonely, lecherous, getting to the McDonald’s drive-thru a minute after they’ve stopped serving Egg McMuffins, type sadness.

If you’re one of the first four, today’s post isn’t for you.

If you’re #5, let me give you some unsolicited advice. You know what day comes after Valentine’s Day? Saturday. Which, like Valentine’s Day, is just another day. Repeat after me: Just another day.

If you’re number #6, listen up. I don’t believe in pep talks. Shit, some days I don’t even believe in talking. I do believe in practical advice, though. And since you’re not currently in a relationship, I’m going to help you find one. Well, maybe you won’t find one.

But (piggybacking off #activistpickuplines), if you happen to be out today, and you see someone you’re interested in, and you suspect this someone is a Bougie Black Person, here are a few things you can say that’ll help your luck.

1. “Let me stamp that passport.”

2. “Did you get those jeans from Target? Cause there’s a bullseye on dat ass.”

3. “Do you like Thai food?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Cause I’m gonna Thai dat ass up.”

4. “Damn, girl. I’d like to Jack your Jill.”

5. “The only Foreign Exchange we’ll need is my ass on your face.”

6. “The gallery crawl in my pants is free all night long.”

7. “You know what NSBE stands for, right?”

“What?”

“N*ggas Sexin Bitches’ Ears.”

8. “I bet you love leaving big tips, don’t you?”

9. “Eight inches is the only number I’m trying to keep down.”

10. “It’s a Different World from where I come from. And in my bedroom.”

11. “I know you’re natural, girl, but come here and lemme relax you.”

12. “I’m gonna displace those panties. Call me the gentrifier.”

13.”The only gladiator I know is being glad I ate her.”

14. “Why don’t you and your friend come over, and we can have an all-night Groupon.”

15. “Is that a gluten-free lettuce wrap in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

16. “You remind me of my Naked Juice. Cause I want to substitute you for a meal.”

Did I forget any?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

An Arbitrary, Occasionally Objective, And Frequently Maddening Ranking Of Every Kanye West Album

kanye-west-graduation (1)

In the 10 years since The College Dropout dropped, Kanye West has gone from a guy whose name I used to pronounce Kay-Knee to arguably my favorite rapper (it’s either him or Ghostface) and inarguably the most important person in music today. He is, at this point in his career, cultural icon, cultural arbiter, cultural thermometer, and Kardashian concubine; a singular zeitgeist whose talent is matched by his talent’s ability to partition.

But which Kanye album is the best?

We know which is the most polarizing (Yeezus), the most universally loved (College Dropout), the most critically acclaimed (MBDTF), and the most likely to be re-released by Drake in 12 years (808s). But, if you had to rank each album (and yes, Watch the Throne and Cruel Summer count) which would be first? Or third? Or even last?

Fortunately, I’m here to ask the tough questions you never thought to ask and provide the gritty answers you never really cared to ask for.

(In reverse order)

8. 808s & Heartbreak 

Having an album rate last on a list insinuates you either hated it or thought it just wasn’t any good. Neither is true with 808s, an album whose biggest crime was it being released a year after Graduation. It was such a contrast from what we expected to — and wanted to — hear from him that it became impossible to objectively assess. So we all collectively decided it sucked. Which is a shame because it paved the way for the “Wait, is he singing or rapping? And, wait. Is that even a song?”-style that’s dominated the last five years of pop culture.

7. Watch the Throne 

Easily the most paradoxical album in Kanye’s career.

To wit, Watch the Throne would have been better if it was a Kanye solo album…but the album’s best track (“Who Gon Stop Me”) is dominated by Jay-Z…but the best line on the song ( “Heard she f*cked the doorman/Well that’s cool I f*cked the waitress“) is Kanye’s.

Also, it’s Kanye’s most expensive sounding album…but it sounded rushed…but each of the bonus tracks were hot…but they sounded like they should have been on a separate album.

6. Graduation 

The most overrated album of Kanye’s career, Graduation is the anti-808s because it’s remembered favorably for effectively ending 50 Cent’s career. Which made it impossible to objectively assess. It’s still a very good album with a couple great songs — “Stronger” and “Flashing Lights” are two of the top 20 songs Kanye’s ever created — but it’s not great, and anyone who believes that needs to get their heads out of Angel Melaku’s ass. 

5. Cruel Summer

I know, I know, I know. It’s more of a crew album than a Kanye album, the four best songs were already heard by everyone months before the album was released, and there’s too much Big Sean — the charter school gym class of rap music. And while I could argue that it doesn’t matter when individual singles were released when assessing a collective album, I’ll concede each of those points.

And, while I’m being all conciliatory, I’ll also admit that it only places this high because of my completely irrational and borderline insane white-hot passionate love for “Higher” and “Sin City.”

4. Late Registration 

While (somewhat) neglected historically, Late Registration may be Kanye’s most important album. Not the best, but the most important. It was the follow-up to The College Dropout, an album that while critically and commercially lauded, still felt gimmicky. It wasn’t Kanye’s rapping that made the album. It was the production, the features, and the concepts behind some of the songs. His actual rapping, though, was more “I guess he’s not that bad” than anything else, and there was still a bit of skepticism over whether he could repeat that success.

And while Late Registration had its flaws, it ultimately proved Kanye needed to be taken seriously as a full-fledged rap artist. It also had a video with Nia Long and Tracie Ellis Ross in it, a shout out to Bougie Black Girls everywhere.

3. The College Dropout 

Although Complex already said everything that needed to be said about this album, I’ll add one more thing:

The five song stretch from “All Falls Down” to “Spaceship” to “Jesus Walks” to “Never Let Me Down” to “Get Em High” is the best five song stretch on any rap album, ever.

2. Yeezus 

One of the reasons why Lebron James remains the most fascinating player in NBA history is that he’s completely impervious to prediction. While he manages to maintain his usual 25-28 points, 6-8 assists, and 6-8 rebounds per game average, when watching him play you have absolutely no idea if you’re going to get “oddly disinterested” Lebron who’ll give you a half-assed 17, 6, and 4 or “vengeance” Lebron who’ll have 30, 8, and 9 by halftime. 

My appreciation for Kanye follows the same thought. If Jay Z or Drake or Rick Ross or Beyonce released a new track at midnight tonight, you’d have an idea of what it was going to sound like before you’d even hear it. You’d have even more of an idea after seeing the title of the song and who was featured on it.

I’ve listened to Kanye for 10 years now — hundreds of Kanye-produced and/or Kanye starred tracks. And I still have no idea what new Kanye tracks (and albums) are going to sound like. None.

No album better exemplifies this imperviousness than Yeezus (our clearest journey into Kanye’s id), and no track better exemplifies this than “Hold My Liquor” — a song that features Chief Keef on the hook, Justin Vernon, a minute-long electric guitar solo, references to “Deepak Chopra” and “skinny bitches with no shoulders”, and also somehow happens to be the most beautifully melancholy song I’ve ever heard. It sounds like something Radiohead would have created if Radiohead was from PG County.

1My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

I really wanted to put Yeezus first. Like, really, really, really wanted to. And then I listened to “All Of The Lights” again. When done, I listened to “Gorgeous” again.

And then I remembered that Kanye’s single best song, “Hell of a Life”, was also on this album.

And then I came back to my senses.

—Damon Young (aka The Champ)

***At 12:30 today, join John Legend and other special guests (me included) for #DreamRiseDo – a conversation about why we need more Black men teaching***

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Under The Radar Significant Contributors To Black History

bhmBetween the 1st and the 28th of February, Black History is having the best month ever. We just heard a few days ago that DMX is going to fight George Zimmerman #justcuz on Pay-Per-View or something which…you know what? Let me go ahead and say this. What if DMX loses? Zimmerman will basically be 3-0 against Black people. He killed Trayvon Martin, beat the system in Florida, AND knocked out DMX, something the legal system can’t seem to accomplish. Point is, if I’m DMX, I’m really rethinking this idea.

Moving on and back to Black History Month. During this month we of course get all of the necessary tributes and odes to giants past. But there are some folks who have made some fairly significant contributions to Black History, but under the radar. To discuss these contributions, I’ve enlisted the help of the VSB superstar, The Articulist, Shamira aka Sham-Diddy (clap for her) to help give some nouns their proper place in history.

I’ll start it out. I’d like to nominate Cam’ron. Why Cam’ron? Well, he’s possibly had a direct influence in one of THE most important aspects of Black History. You see, Cam renaissanced Harlem. Before Cam’ron and DipSet came thru and painted Harlem pink, Harlem had lost a bit of its cultural caché. I mean, it was still Harlem but it wasn’t what it used to be. Enter DipSet and Harlem once again rises and becomes relevant for years. I mean, DipSet took over America. And therefore Harlem World’s prominence was restored. And anybody who knows anythign will tell you that Harlem is a central figure to Black History. Sham-wow, What do you think? And yes, I just called you Sham-wow.

Shamira: *cringes at Sham-wow*  But hey…the Articulist, huh? I rather like that. Gotta save that name for when I finally release my mixtape on DatPiff.com. Don’t worry Peej, I’ll give you co-writing credits.

We all know of my absolute stannery for Cam’ron. If you don’t get it, well…you MAAAAD, dawgie. Cameron Giles irrefutably influenced music, cinema, AND the news industry. And you know who else did?

William Ray Norwood, Jr. That’s right, Ray J the GAWD.

Oh, Ray, how do I love thee? Let me list the ways. Not only did he give us the seminal piece of entertainment known as “For the Love of Ray J”(Never Forget:”Danger, She Smashed The Homie”), and the ultimate Bitter Brian anthem known as “I Hit It First”…he provided what might be the best radio interview of the 21st century.  Under presumably the finest of state-altering drugs known to man , he was Ray Charles to the FCC and proceeded to inform the public of all the ways he was better than us.  And I have to say…he was right. I mean, I indeed do not have seven Rolls Royces outside. Nor do I have indoor/outdoor pools, and corresponding basketball courts. And MOST IMPORTANTLY….I do not have ride or die goons that are willing to defend my right to play piano in Floyd Mayweather’s living room (although if we were all being real with ourselves…One Wish goes, man. When’s the last time y’all listened to it?).

Basically, Ray J is all of the most ratchet parts of black twitter combined. He’s like Captain Planet if the five elements were Subtweets, Absurd Stories, B!tchmade Behavior, Delusions of Grandeur, and Wayyyyy too much free time on his hands. Brandy’s brother is tired of being humble, and we should all thank him for that.

P: Grand choice. Just grand. I’m an avowed Ray J fan. I own most of his albums (okay, I downloaded them on my Spotify Premium account, they’re on the same playlist with Jagged Edge) and listen to them after I read my leatherbound books in my mahogany scented apartment. It’s not quite as big as Ray J’s pool, but hey, we can only aspire.

One can’t bring up Ray J and his contributions without bringing up his one time Co-D, Lil Kim. Which brings up an important point. There are contributions, but then there are Black woman contributions which often go unnoticed, even when heaping ceremony upon our people. Michael Jackson did it first followed by Sammy Sosa (“these b*tches love Sosa” – Chief Keef), but Lil Kim took up the mantle for Black women by being the first Black woman to take Black Sheep’s seminal song “The Choice Is Yours” (the remix of course) to heart and go from this (Black woman, “Crush On You” blue/green wig video hot) to that (racially ambiguous, Canal Street Face/Off knockoff hood chick who put her camel toe on blast). While Lil Kim will never get the accolades she deserves as a rapper and for inspiring this generations misguided young women, she did become the first Black woman to Go MJ In De Face and that says something. Michael Jackson was an icon. So what’s her contribution you ask? She in the Black face arts. And a cautionary tale for kids everywhere.

S: Black face arts, though??? I wish I knew how to quit you.

Well, if we’re going to bring up black women presenting cautionary tales, we’ve gotta thank none other than Yandy Smith for showing us the other side of that ride or die life. For too long, the men of America have been able to champion Tameeka “Tiny” Cottle as proof of the rewards you reap when you hold your trappin’ man down. Yeah, you might have a few outside kids who’s ages in the timeline of your allegedly monogamous relationship make you question everything you know about how conception works, but hey, its the 21st century. Break babies are de rigeur!!! You give that man a firm…er…”handshake” while visiting him in the clink, and he’ll reward you with everything your heart desires. You might even get a TV show out of it that positions you as the modern-day Cosbys, cable-knit sweaters and all!

OR….you can be in your Bronx studio with two kids, only one of whom is actually yours, wondering how your fairytale went wrong. You may end up believing that your fiance who thought he was Big Meech, Larry Hoover, whipping work, hallelujah has gotten shafted…because after all “there are still murderers out in these streets.” You may convince yourself that after a year in federal prison, they are still working on getting him out on bail. You may even find yourself going to K. Michelle for advice on how to raise a man! (Spoiler alert: her answer? You can’t)

And you may even find yourself uttering these words with sincerity: “I mean he’s in jail, what else does he have to do but think about me all day?”

Yandy Smith reminds all of us that while your degrees may not keep you warm at night…your dope boy probably won’t either. More importantly, she taught us that if your man’s name ends with an S, pronouncing it is optional. Or maybe you only pronounce the S when you’re mad? The jury’s still out on that.

P: You know, I have no idea if you pronounce the “s” on the end of Mendeecees either. Maybe its like the “p” in Ptolemy, pneumonia, or pbreakfast. I think the most important contribution that Yandy and Mendeecees have made is this: we live in a world where a ninja named Yandy and a ninja named Mendeecees, met, fell in love, and procreated. In terms of Black name scrabble board, they motherf*cking WON at life.

I’d like to toss in Dwayne Cleophus Wayne (Brooklyn, NY/Hillman College) for his contribution to the Come Up. My man showed up to college as a nerdy doofus on some Can’t Get Right from Life steez. I mean, he weng from Walter Oaks questioning if his mother liked him to having the baddest chick in the game wearing his chain. He pulled Whitley, Freddie wanted him (my big haired muse), and even Denise Huxtable considered it even for a second. If anything, he’s the wavy lightskint girl whisperer which is a contribution all to its own. He went up in Byron’s wedding and said, “don’t be mad. Your b*tch chose me. So we can handle this like some gentlemen or get into some gangsta sh*t.” I may have the lines a bit wrong on that one. Point is, Dwayne Cleophus Wayne doesn’t get enough credit for his contribution to Black Cool. His guidance is the truth, the light, and the way towards realizing your full potential and pulling a bad ass light skint chick. Konishiwa, b*tches.

S: Dwayne Wayne did prove that Nice Guys (TM) can indeed win, internet proclamations be damned. He ruined poor Byron’s life though. Dude went on to marry Olivia Pope’s mom and became the evilest evil to ever evil. (YOU. ARE. A. BOY.)

I just realized that we’ve offered all these women without shouting out the realest chick that ever did it. That’s right…Remy Ma.

For those of y’all who are not acquainted with Remy Ma. Lemme learn you a lil bit. She is the leading lady of Terror Squad. A mentee of Big Pun. She’s the chick in the Ante Up Remix that makes you wanna fight everybody. She taught me that my life is not complete until I am able to utter the words “who’s that peeking in my window/nobody cuz I live in a penthouse, baby.”

She has also been in jail since 2007. Now I know what you’re thinking. Another cautionary tale, Shamira? Au contraire, mon frere. She’s a teacher. What’s that lesson, you ask? Money and friends don’t mix.

You know how the story goes: you shy against lending your friend a few Gs, they avail themselves to it anyway, promise to pay you back with their next paycheck, and then they’re waiting for their tax refund…next thing you know you’re in front of a bar at 4 AM mad as hell. What’s a girl to do? Well, probably not shoot the girl in the stomach…allegedly….and rifle through her purse for your money while she’s laying there wounded…but that’s besides the point here guys. Remy Ma knew how money alters friendships and so she just had to explain it to the girl. Forcibly? Perhaps. But I bet the girl won’t forget it.

By the way, we have so many “Free (Insert person who absolutely did the crap he was arrested for but we like him so it shouldn’t count here)” Movements…Boosie, Max B, why not Remy? Patriarchy, I tell you!! I mean, she has two Source awards. TWO. I would argue that “There’s Something About Remy” stirs something in the little hoodrat inside all of us. I should start said line, and y’all should Support Black Businesses, because it’s February. I mean, if Mama Jones can do it, why can’t I?

*Toe wops all the way to the T-Shirt printing store on 125th St*

That’s what we have. Who do you have that made a significant contribution but flies under the radar? And why?

Happy Black History Month.

(Also, if you are offended and feel that we’re trivializing Black history month…bye Felicia.)

-VSB P and Shamira

11 Things That Men Do That Are Attractive ONLY If You’re Interested

This picture has nothing to do with the post. Shoutouts to the northeast.

This picture has nothing to do with the post. Shoutouts to the northeast.

Recently, I came across a slight ridiculous and mostly no-sh*t-Sherlock list on Huffington Post (courtesy of Reddit) entitled, “The 11 Most Attractive Things That Men Do Without Even Realizing It”. While I can appreciate a list like this existing and being curated via a question from somebody asking what men do that that we O.E.N.O. that has the lady parts flourishing, I side-eyed this list with the passion of a Peyton Manning interception. Mostly because just like with anything else in life, all things are attractive when you’re interested. EVERYTHING.

Why? Well only ewe can make me do the things I do. Such as…be like say heffa say what at:

7. Concentrate hard. “I love the look a guy has on his face when he is trying to figure something out,” one user wrote. No know-it-alls required.”

Let’s just keep it onehunnid. Despite constantly telling us menfolks that we don’t deserve any cookies for just doing things your supposed to do (raising your kids, not going to jail, waking up in the morning, etc), women stay giving us cookies for things we’re just supposed to do (raising our own kids, not going to jail, waking up in the morning, etc). The fact that “thinking” was on a list of things that are attractive without us even knowing it is the reason why people keep watching Love & Hip-Hop. I will forever believe this. Also on this list are: “laugh out loud” “roll up one’s shirtsleeves” and “use eye contact” <—presumably at the strip club.

While the list does have some merit, I suppose, I’m not a woman afterall, I figured I’d go ahead and toss out a much more useful list. One with a bit more insight into the human condition…the Vidal Sassoon of the spirit if you will. A bit of Garnier Fructis for the soul. So here are 11 things that men do that are attractive ONLY if you’re interested in him.

1. Talk about marriage

If a woman is interested and you don’t seem like an axe murderer, telling her that you’re going to marry her (even on the first date) isn’t the most stalkerish thing you can do. Meanwhile, if she’s NOT interested in you, jokingly texting her a marriage proposal leads to screenshots, restraining orders, and relocations. No matter WHEN you do it.

In the same vein…

2. Talking about having children

Here’s the “does she like me” test: tell a chick you want to give her a baby. If she’s feeling you, she’ll laugh and make some comment about what the combination of your genes would produce. If she’s not? Well, consider that love connection more dead than, hey…did y’all know that Chuck Woolery is still alive?

3. Show Up Uninvited

PSA: Never EVER do the drop by house visit without calling first. There are too many technological advancements available to you that renders any excuse for not touching base a complete lie at worst and a perfect storm of unfortunate events at best. But, you are MUCH less likely to get cursed out if she actually likes you. The first time, it might be a shock but could be considered romantic (hence the attractive part) as long as you have a plan. Like, show up and say, hey, let’s go. Don’t talk just listen (*cue DeVante keyboard riff*). But if she doesn’t f*ck with you my rap? Yeah…that is going to go soooooooooo badly.

Don’t show up uninvited, people.

4. Be the center of attention

If she likes you, she will love that you can work a room and socialize. It’s like honeysuckle breeze to women. They love a confident man who is in full control. Then there’s the other end where you’re just an arrogant f*ck who needs attention. You might as well be Rich Dollaz.

5. Call and/or text repeatedly

Who are we kidding, nobody makes phone calls anymore. That sh*t ain’t cute. She likes you, you’re being attentive and giving her attention. She doesn’t, you’re a motherlovin’ bugaboo. “Why does this fool keep textin’ me…DAMN!”

6. Take seflies

It is a commonly held belief that men shouldn’t take selfies. I piss all over this assertion because how else are you supposed to document the hot dog you are eating at the time. Selfies are daily journal entries. Well, as long as your boo is feeling you, they’re cute and she likes the way you stand at that 74 degree angle with your hat bill facing the sun at the just the ring angle to allow the angels of heavens to dance the macarena in your eyes. Reverse that and you know how she feels if she can’t stand your bum ass.

7. Breathe

She likes you, its cute when you breathe. She doesn’t? She wishes you’d stop. Oh my bad, that’s number 12 on the HuffPo list.

8. Be an idealist

You know, one of those people who spends his time dreaming of the next level while having no clue how to get there? Yeah, that sh*t cute my nword. Until it isn’t. You’re really just a broke dude who probably lives with your momma if she ain’t interested. There’s nothing attractive about being broke.

9. Colorblocking

You fashionable motherf*cker, you. Well, either that or, “why does he look like a bag of Skittles?” There’s very little middle ground.

10. Rapping/Producing

Probably the truest litmus test of interest. Women who like you will support your dreams and find creative so aphrodisiasical. The rest of the female populace just thinks you’re a clown, Krusty.

11. Blogging

A close cousin to rapping/producing. When women like you, you’re a writer. And writers are attractive because they have a way with words. And chicks dig words. When they don’t, you’re just a motherf*cker with some random blog that nobody gives two f*cks about. Trust me, I’m a blogger.

What else you got? What is attractive ONLY if you like him (they like us)?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. SHE LOVES ME SHE LOVES ME NOT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3