Five Times It’s Perfectly Okay Not To Fight For Your Girl

columbus (1)

***In light of the news that Columbus Short seems to be taking this “Gladiator” thing a bit too seriously, I decided to revise and repost a piece that’s quite apropos.***

“Would and could he fight for me?”

It’s a question that somehow manages to be completely relevant and completely irrelevant at the same damn time.

It’s relevant because it’s never not at least a consideration when a woman is deciding whether she wants to commit to a man. Perhaps “Would and could he protect me?” isn’t the first question she asks herself, but she’ll definitely ask herself that question.

It’s irrelevant because, well, no one actually gets into fights. Actually, lemme rephrase that. Some adults still do get into fights. But it’s a very small percentage of us. And, the 7% of adults who still somehow get into fights at least once every other month probably make up 97% of the adult fight total between themselves. And they’re not reading this. Because adults who get into fights have corns. And people with corns spend all their internet time researching corn remedies.

If you asked one of the 93% — the corn-less non-fighters — about the last time they got into a serious fist fight, I bet most answers would fall between 5th grade and “That time in 9th grade when I thought that I was big enough to talk back to my dad. I was wrong.”

A few days ago, Columbus Short apparently sucker punched a guy who said something disrespectful about his wife, breaking his nose and knocking him out.

I’m not sure if the wife was there, or if she personally felt threatened. If so, although a sucker punch is some sucker shit, he’s somewhat justified. (Extra emphasis on “somewhat.”) You’re supposed to defend your wife. But, is there ever a situation where your woman is disrespected in some way and you’re actually not supposed to fight for her? Of course!

In fact, here are five of them!

1. If she kinda, sorta, had it coming. 

Lemme put it this way: If I’m at a club, and I see some dude push my girl and call her a “bitch,” we are going to have a serious physical problem.

But, if my girl happens to be Erica Mena-ish, and she’s talking shit, throwing drinks, and spitting in people’s faces for no reason, and I happen to see one of the guys who she spit on push her out of his face and call her a “bitch,” we are going to have a…conversation. And then we are going to leave. And then I am going to stop at a gas station. And then I am going to ask her to get me a pack of purple Now & Laters. And then I am going to drive off and leave her there.

2. If you’re definitely going to lose…badly.

Look, I can handle one Kimbo Slice. And by “handle one Kimbo Slice” I mean “sucker punch and run from a Kimbo Slice.” (And yes, I would expect my girl to keep up with me. What’s the point of being in Black Girls Run if you don’t take it literally?)

But, if my girl comes over to me upset that some dudes disrespected her, and she points to a table of three Kimbo Slices and three “Comb That Nigga’s Chest Hair” dudes, I figure a slight scowl in their direction is an appropriate response.

3. If you’re definitely going to win.

If you’re 6’5 and 350 pounds and the Kevin Hart doppelganger at the bar calls your girl a bad name, he’s actually putting you in a no-win situation. You can’t put your hands on him, cause you’ll be a lame for fighting a dude half your size. But, you can’t not do something either.

My advice? Just pull out your dick, with your arms extended outward in the “Ta-Da!” pose.Hopefully this’ll shame him into silence. (This also has obvious backfire potential, but you have to do something, right?)

4. If you’ve been wanting to break up with her for some time, but haven’t had the opportunity or guts to do it.

Usually, men in this predicament try to sabotage the relationship by cheating and hoping he’ll get caught. But, why do that and expose her to all types of STDs? Just let her get disrespected in front of you, and let her get mad enough at you that she ends it. Now, you’ve rid yourself of a problem and you saved her from syphilis. It’s a win win.

5. If you’re busy.

It’s not your fault she picked the 4th quarter of game seven of the NBA finals to get disrespected. She needs to learn that if she wants a good defense, she needs better timing.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Relationship Things That Stop Being Cute Past A Certain Age

phone sleepI don’t know at what point it happens. I wish I did because then I could tell you at what point it happens…but I don’t know so I can’t. The point here is that, it happens.

We all get old. Now this isn’t a bad thing and old is more of a state of mind anyway. I was almost sure when I was 21 that being 34 would basically be the point where I’d be chillin’ in the hiznayee for good. It turns out that 21 and 34 really aren’t that different. I mean I make a lot more money and have seen a lot more things but the fun hasn’t stopped. However, there are things that I used to do when I was 21 that I thought were so great and stuff that in my older state I wonder why anybody would do such things. They’re not only inconvenient, but impractical.

Here are a few things that seem so cute and sh*t in your youth(ness) but at some point, seem to be not as…cute (though admittedly, I’d probably still do them all because love. because heart.)

Three hour phone + calls that last into the wee hours of the morning

I’ve been on more than my fair share of REALLY REALLY long phone calls that last way longer than they probably should. Namely because I’ve been in quite a few long distance relationships. Here’s the thing, it’s not that a long ass phone call isn’t cutesy. Having that much to talk about with somebody…now that’s a beautiful thang. Shucks, I love it when I can talk to somebody and the party don’t stop til I run through it. However, at some point, when that convo starts at 1130pm and doesn’t end til 3am you know you’re losing out on? Sleep. You’re draggin’ a$$ the next day at work because you couldn’t tear yourself from the phone. And I know, nobody wants to get off the phone. Love and other drugs and sh*t. But sleep deprivation is real. I really enjoy sleeping.

Really, really long walks anywhere

I love taking long walks around the park after dark like anybody. Seriously, I do. But that’s a park. Let me tell you all a story. A few years back I ended up on a maybe 4 hour walk around the District of Columbia. The circumstances could be a made-for-tv movie, but I won’t get into those. The point was, stuff like, during the Cherry Blossom Festival no less, could be deemed romantic. And that sh*t is cool…until 3 hours into it you realize that you have to walk BACK to your car. My hitta my hitta, that walk back was BRUTAL. And there was a time when that walk back was still just part of the romanticism. At some point, you realize that your feet hurt because you don’t have on walking shoes. Folks ask for piggy back rides because they don’t want to walk back either. So yeah, cute and sh*t? Yep. Taking a 10 mile walk just cuz you’re in love and all that jazz? Yeah…no.

Skinny dipping

Have you ever been skinny dipping and tried to smash in a pool? That sh*t seems so caayute but as I’ve gotten older it just doesn’t have the same appeal. I can’t quite explain this one. I need help.

Matching…anything

You know, I can’t lie. At one point, I looked like the very kind of picture that would spread like wildfire on Twitter with the hashtag #matchinalfets. I did that. Somehow, a woman can’t convince a dude to do nearly anything. True story. If you care, you won’t fight every battle. One of those battles is the battle over matching. there have been times in my younger days where my color choices were remarkably similar to those of my woman. It may seem cute at the time – we love each other – that sh*t is just tragic after a certain point. There is never a way for that to be cool.

Petty fights that lead to makeup sex

While makeup lovin’ may be great…at some point you realize that fighting to get to it is REAAAAAALLY not the business. While you may think this is an odd addition, I know people who absolutely need dysfunction in order to feel love. Word up.

You know what, I have a few others, but I want to see what folks come up with to see if I’m right as rain on that front.

And just because it needs to be said, F*ck winter. 70 degrees on Saturday and SNOW on Sunday?????????? Somebody told Mother Nature that she was the sidechick. She no likey. She rebel.

So what say you? Are there things that stop being cute after a certain point? Hell, are there things that will NEVER not be part of the relationship equation? What you got?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

 

Things About Being Engaged You Don’t Learn Until You Get Engaged

"I'm smiling now, but I'm still pissed you told that lettuce-scented n*gga he could come."

“I’m smiling now, but I’m still pissed you told that lettuce-scented n*gga he could come to our wedding.”

***An actual conversation I had with my actual fiancee a couple days ago***

Me: “We need another computer chair.”

Her: “We do?”

Me: “Yeah. The one I use upstairs is hurting my back.” (This is true, btw. My back isn’t at “back problem stage” yet, but it’s definitely holding court a couple stages before you get to “back problem stage.” Basically, if “back problem stage” is Rick Ross, my back right now is Anthony Anderson.)

Her: “Ok. Do you want to buy one now, or when we move?” (This move, btw, may not happen until 2015.)

Me: “You know what? What if we just put one on the registry?”

Her: “I don’t know about that”

Me: “Why not? I mean, a computer chair costs less than the type of appliances and shit people put on them.”

Her: “But…those are for the house.”

Me: “A computer chair isn’t for the house?”

Her: “I mean, if you want to put a chair on it, we can put a chair on it. But a computer chair isn’t a registry-type of gift.”

Me: “Basically, the registry is just for gifts the wife would use more often?”

Her: “I love you.”

Me: “You didn’t answer the question.”

Her: “But I love you. That’s the only gift you’ll need.”

So, if you’re keeping score at home, the wife-to-be gets…

1. A diamond ring (which could run in the tens of thousands of dollars)

2. A wedding shower (with gifts and games)

3. A bachelorette party (with more gifts and games)

4. The majority of the gifts from the registry and the actual wedding

Meanwhile, the husband-to-be gets…

1. Maybe a random ass cheek or boob in his face during a bachelor party

…and, if this stripper happens to be from Cleveland or Baltimore…

2. Crabs

Granted, I’m not complaining about this. Plus, I’ve always had a thing for rust belt born strippers. They seem to have more character. But, this gift inequity is a part of the wedding process I wasn’t fully aware of until I actually took part in it. Sure, I’d heard about it and kind of knew about it, but you don’t knowknow what it’s like unless you actually go through it. Basically, “the wedding process” = “getting head while smoking crack.”

Anyway, I’ve been engaged for four months now. In that time, I’ve learned quite a few things, including…

People will invite themselves to your wedding. Often. Like, be prepared for this happening several times a week 

***An actual conversation I have with actual people several times a week***

Person: “When is the date?”

Me: “July 19th.”

Person: “Word? I can’t wait, dog. I’ll see you there. Make sure your girl invites some of her single friends.”

Me (in my head) “No you will not see me there. Why? Because you won’t be there. Why won’t you be there? Because I can’t afford to invite people I haven’t seen or talked to in person in four years. Plus, the last time I saw you, I think you stole the lettuce off my junior bacon cheeseburger. I have no proof of it, but all I can think of when I see you is lettuce. And there will be no lettuce at my f*cking wedding.”

What I actually say: “Aiight, man. Word.”

“The wedding” can be your out/excuse for anything

Seriously, “I’m preparing/saving/getting ready for the wedding” is the ultimate “get out of jail free” card. Actually, it’s not even that. It’s a “don’t have to commit to shit I don’t want to do” card.

A party you were invited to but don’t really want to go to? “I’d come, but we’re still working on this invite list. Plus, she wants to go to the candle store. To look at candles. We might be there all night.”

Impending marriage makes you a bit of a hypocrite

If you went back far enough in our archives, you’d find a couple posts where I was very dogmatic about why married couples should have a joint bank account. Very, very dogmatic. This dogma wasn’t false, either. I believed it. So much so that even before my fiancee and I started dating, I matter-of-factually mentioned it to her.

But, when we actually had our first “How are we going to budget/handle money as a married couple?” conversation, my chest literally tightened at the mention of a joint account.

“Wait…wait…what? You want to know exactly how much money I have? “My” money is now going to be “our” money? I…I think I need a drink.”

Making things even worse was the fact that she wasn’t even suggesting or pushing for it. She just brought it up as an option. We have somewhat similar incomes, and I (obviously) trust her, so I know my issue isn’t about her. But just the mention of it made me feel like I accidentally swallowed some wasabi.

I think it’s just that the idea that someone will have access to your everything can be jarring, even if you want to give them that access. Which makes absolutely no sense. Until it does. And then it makes perfect sense.

Basically, it’s just like marriage. (I hope.)

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Reminder: For the next two weeks, you can purchase your own I Love Bougie Black Girls t-shirt via Teespring for the insanely low prices of $11.50 for a men’s shirt, $13 for a women’s shirt (don’t ask why the women’s shirts are more expensive, because I have no answers)

front

and $24.50 for a hoodie.

front (2)

The campaign ends Sunday, March 23. So, if you don’t buy one before then, you, um, won’t have one.

Anywho, they’re available now, so go and BUY!!! and be fly.

The One Where We Talk About the Best Racial Stereotypes EVER!

Racist-Dog-Granny-CartoonDo you remember how Sanka (ya dead?) was feeling very Olympic one day during Cool Runnings? Well, I’m feeling very racist today. Let’s waaaaaaaaaaade in the waaaaaaaaaters. <—racist

So the other day I was stuck in a basement, sittin’ on a tricycle. I remember at that very moment thinking, “stereotypes suck!” I almost started a Down With Stereotypes Movement (it would have been epic) but then a few things dawned on me like Palmolive (see what I did there?).

1. I actually really like stereotypes. I try to be at least 3 stereotypes per day. For instance, today, I ate some Popeye’s chicken while robbing a woman and yelled out, “I’m drankin’ watermelon watermelon.” I did all this with drugs in my pocket. YAWKYAWKYAWKYAWK.

2. While stereotypes are generally considered bad, some ACTUALLY work in your favor. Like really work. But like everything else there are levels to this. So with that in mind, I decided to run down a list of some of the BEST.STEREOTYPES.EVER. and a bit of analysis.

Who the F*CK WANT WHAT?!!?! And yes, Virginia, everyone’s a little bit racist? Have you seen Avenue Q? I totes want to see it. Who’s gonna take me? And for the record, pretty hurts.

So, class…I’ll hit a nae-nae (and even recite the periodic table) for the person who can tell me the most beneficial and bestest racial stereotype ever!

You, the white woman draggin’ that wagon!

Her: Black men don’t marry Black women! *sucks teeth at Black women trying to figure out how she got picked first*

Nope! No nae-nae for you! Pad thai maybe, call me…if you need a friend.

The most beneficial (and therefore best) racial stereotype ever is that Black men have the biggest wangs. 

Nothing new there. We all have heard this. But here’s some analysis, since as Meek Mills teaches us, there are indeed levels to this sh*t. I think this is where colorism comes into play. Let me ask you a question: Morris Chestnutt or Shemar Moore? Who would you guess is stereotypically packing the larger dong?

Class?

Morris. Because he’s the real mandingo in the family? Nobody looks at light skint men and thinks, lawdy, he’s prolly gon’ rip me to pieces. In fact, I’m sure a light skint dude with a large dong gets the “I wasn’t expecting all that.” Dark skinted dude with tiny peen? Tears of a clown. However, he’s already naked at that point so he kind of wins anyway. Bong bong. Let’s move on, shall we? We shall.

Asians are smarter than everybody else. 

Moment of Truth here: I’m not Asian. Now that we got that out of the way, many moons ago (was that racist?) while in grad school while talking to a friend of Asian descent – I literally have no idea what descent that is, by the way – told me how much it sucked that people think she’s smart. Which only sucks if you ain’t. Granted, that’s a lot of pressure, but I told her that I’d rather be considered smart than a criminal. She said she hadn’t thought about that before, presumably because nobody has ever asked her to help them commit a felony…which has happened to me. Recently. No lie no lie no lieeeeeieieieieeie. Which says something. To others, all Black men probably do look alike, which means to other races I might look like I’m the real mandingo in the family even if my sisters are like, nope. Black women. Terrible.

Jewish people are all rich.

Or as Mos Def (Yasiin Bey) said, “tall Israelis are runnin’ this rap sh*t”. (Notice other stereotypes aren’t stereotypically sexist in nature, they’re actually postive in, like, life and sh*t). Can I be real with y’all for a momento? Or uno momento? OR something. I know that Jewish people are a big thing up north (racist much?), but down South I’m sure there around but I never really paid attention. So that whole Jewish people are rich thing was new to me when I got to be around actual Jewish people. I just felt like sharing. Plus I didn’t want to share that other thing Jewish people are famous for. You know the one.

Mexicans are the hardest workers ever. 

I only personally know like 3 Mexicans. Two of them are actually lazy as f*ck and the other has a Ph.D.. But that doesn’t stop this from being one of those backhanded complimentary best stereotypes ever! Because when you need work done? Who do you to seek out at Home Depot! Mexicans! You ain’t looking for Jamal. He might rob you RIGHT after he moves your television into your house and you can’t pay him in Corona. I’m sorry, that was racist.

This should be enough to get the ball rolling, which was my point. Because Black man…balls.

Ya know, sports. RACISM!

So what are the best racial stereotypes you can think of?? It’s Friday. Race on, my peole. We do this for la raza.

(I’m actually excited to see what ads pop up for a post like this. Because I’m racist.)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

It’s Fat Tuesday and I’m Preparing To Give Up Dranks For Lent! (Kinda)

Mardi_Gras_French_Quarter_TrombonistFor those not in the know, today is Mardi Gras. And while many of you think that means its just a day for celebrating and tossing beads so that you can see some young white girl’s boobs, its actually religiously steeped in the Catholic tradition.

Despite its Catholic roots, many individuals – who are decidedly not Catholic – partake of Lent and give up something for the 40 days between now and Easter in order to get their lives together. Because everybody knows that I’m a motherf*cking monster, I’m going to participate. For 1) I’m half Catholic.

Wait…what? Yeah, believe it or not, Ripley. My mother is a non-practicing Catholic who immigrated from France when she was 13. While she isn’t religious, half of my entire family isn’t only Cathoilc, but French. Like, when we say Fat Tuesday, it really is Mardi Gras. Swag.

B) Giving up something for spiritual or personal purposes (whatever suits you) for Lent requires you to exact discipline. And that’s something that I personally have struggled with at times. While I’m more than a girl but not quite a woman, I definitely have undertaken some ideas and practices that could stand some examination during a period that requires you to take a step back. So with that, here is what I’m going to give up for lent:

1) Ratchetvision

Granted, this is a lot easier since I hate Basketball Wives and Single Ladies will be cancelled soon and I find it hard to watch The Game. I’m not even sure if The Game qualifies as ratchet vision, but the good thing is that Lent starts on Ash Wednesday so I can watch the premier episode and determine if I’m making a wise decision or not. I refuse to give up Scandal though. That’s not ratchet.

2) Heavy drinking

I had to modify this one like 17 times. I attempted to say I was going to give up drinking but then I realized, I don’t have it in me. Which is possibly what she said. Pshaw. Either way, while I likely won’t give up drinking wholesale for the next 40 days (I’ll give it the old college try), what I can do is chill on the overdoing it, which is one of my specialties in life. So instead of taking 10 shots per night that I’m out, I will cut that in half and only take 5! That is nothing short of a miracle.

(What I’ve noticed is that its very hard for me to stay focused on writing while I’m out of town. It’s like around every corner is a distraction of epic proportions. Which reminds me…what was I saying?)

3) Impulse purchases

I’m the KING of this sh*t right here, n*gga. I see something I want, I buy something I want. That’s how my life has operated for a very long time. But you know what, that is a ridiculous way to live life. Mostly because I’m not rich and that’s a rich man lifestyle. Point is, sometimes I look at the things I buy and I say to myself, “Self, why did thou (I refer to myself in holy terms a lot) purchaseth thith?” And I have no answer. So for the next 40 days, I’m going to reduce my spending to the necessities. As common sense as this sounds, that mixed with less drinking might mean I can pay to have my name put on a stadium in San Francisco. Or Tijuana. Have you been to Tijuana? I have. Don’t go there. Ever. When I went there I realized that this whole America thing is a pretty sweet deal. For reeelz.

And yes, I’m still stranded in Alabama. And hopefully by the time I write my next post I’ll be in the District of Columbia, where SunTrust take my money every month. Short post? Yes. Focused? Possibly. I been drankin’? Definitely.

But ultimately, if you are participating in lent…what are you giving up this year? Talk to me. Let’s share because sharing is caring.

And if you’re not, what is something that you prolly need (or want) to give up just for discipline purposes? Like Elijah Blake says, “Talk To Me”.

-VSB P