The One Where We Talk About the Best Racial Stereotypes EVER!

Racist-Dog-Granny-CartoonDo you remember how Sanka (ya dead?) was feeling very Olympic one day during Cool Runnings? Well, I’m feeling very racist today. Let’s waaaaaaaaaaade in the waaaaaaaaaters. <—racist

So the other day I was stuck in a basement, sittin’ on a tricycle. I remember at that very moment thinking, “stereotypes suck!” I almost started a Down With Stereotypes Movement (it would have been epic) but then a few things dawned on me like Palmolive (see what I did there?).

1. I actually really like stereotypes. I try to be at least 3 stereotypes per day. For instance, today, I ate some Popeye’s chicken while robbing a woman and yelled out, “I’m drankin’ watermelon watermelon.” I did all this with drugs in my pocket. YAWKYAWKYAWKYAWK.

2. While stereotypes are generally considered bad, some ACTUALLY work in your favor. Like really work. But like everything else there are levels to this. So with that in mind, I decided to run down a list of some of the BEST.STEREOTYPES.EVER. and a bit of analysis.

Who the F*CK WANT WHAT?!!?! And yes, Virginia, everyone’s a little bit racist? Have you seen Avenue Q? I totes want to see it. Who’s gonna take me? And for the record, pretty hurts.

So, class…I’ll hit a nae-nae (and even recite the periodic table) for the person who can tell me the most beneficial and bestest racial stereotype ever!

You, the white woman draggin’ that wagon!

Her: Black men don’t marry Black women! *sucks teeth at Black women trying to figure out how she got picked first*

Nope! No nae-nae for you! Pad thai maybe, call me…if you need a friend.

The most beneficial (and therefore best) racial stereotype ever is that Black men have the biggest wangs. 

Nothing new there. We all have heard this. But here’s some analysis, since as Meek Mills teaches us, there are indeed levels to this sh*t. I think this is where colorism comes into play. Let me ask you a question: Morris Chestnutt or Shemar Moore? Who would you guess is stereotypically packing the larger dong?

Class?

Morris. Because he’s the real mandingo in the family? Nobody looks at light skint men and thinks, lawdy, he’s prolly gon’ rip me to pieces. In fact, I’m sure a light skint dude with a large dong gets the “I wasn’t expecting all that.” Dark skinted dude with tiny peen? Tears of a clown. However, he’s already naked at that point so he kind of wins anyway. Bong bong. Let’s move on, shall we? We shall.

Asians are smarter than everybody else. 

Moment of Truth here: I’m not Asian. Now that we got that out of the way, many moons ago (was that racist?) while in grad school while talking to a friend of Asian descent – I literally have no idea what descent that is, by the way – told me how much it sucked that people think she’s smart. Which only sucks if you ain’t. Granted, that’s a lot of pressure, but I told her that I’d rather be considered smart than a criminal. She said she hadn’t thought about that before, presumably because nobody has ever asked her to help them commit a felony…which has happened to me. Recently. No lie no lie no lieeeeeieieieieeie. Which says something. To others, all Black men probably do look alike, which means to other races I might look like I’m the real mandingo in the family even if my sisters are like, nope. Black women. Terrible.

Jewish people are all rich.

Or as Mos Def (Yasiin Bey) said, “tall Israelis are runnin’ this rap sh*t”. (Notice other stereotypes aren’t stereotypically sexist in nature, they’re actually postive in, like, life and sh*t). Can I be real with y’all for a momento? Or uno momento? OR something. I know that Jewish people are a big thing up north (racist much?), but down South I’m sure there around but I never really paid attention. So that whole Jewish people are rich thing was new to me when I got to be around actual Jewish people. I just felt like sharing. Plus I didn’t want to share that other thing Jewish people are famous for. You know the one.

Mexicans are the hardest workers ever. 

I only personally know like 3 Mexicans. Two of them are actually lazy as f*ck and the other has a Ph.D.. But that doesn’t stop this from being one of those backhanded complimentary best stereotypes ever! Because when you need work done? Who do you to seek out at Home Depot! Mexicans! You ain’t looking for Jamal. He might rob you RIGHT after he moves your television into your house and you can’t pay him in Corona. I’m sorry, that was racist.

This should be enough to get the ball rolling, which was my point. Because Black man…balls.

Ya know, sports. RACISM!

So what are the best racial stereotypes you can think of?? It’s Friday. Race on, my peole. We do this for la raza.

(I’m actually excited to see what ads pop up for a post like this. Because I’m racist.)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

It’s Fat Tuesday and I’m Preparing To Give Up Dranks For Lent! (Kinda)

Mardi_Gras_French_Quarter_TrombonistFor those not in the know, today is Mardi Gras. And while many of you think that means its just a day for celebrating and tossing beads so that you can see some young white girl’s boobs, its actually religiously steeped in the Catholic tradition.

Despite its Catholic roots, many individuals – who are decidedly not Catholic – partake of Lent and give up something for the 40 days between now and Easter in order to get their lives together. Because everybody knows that I’m a motherf*cking monster, I’m going to participate. For 1) I’m half Catholic.

Wait…what? Yeah, believe it or not, Ripley. My mother is a non-practicing Catholic who immigrated from France when she was 13. While she isn’t religious, half of my entire family isn’t only Cathoilc, but French. Like, when we say Fat Tuesday, it really is Mardi Gras. Swag.

B) Giving up something for spiritual or personal purposes (whatever suits you) for Lent requires you to exact discipline. And that’s something that I personally have struggled with at times. While I’m more than a girl but not quite a woman, I definitely have undertaken some ideas and practices that could stand some examination during a period that requires you to take a step back. So with that, here is what I’m going to give up for lent:

1) Ratchetvision

Granted, this is a lot easier since I hate Basketball Wives and Single Ladies will be cancelled soon and I find it hard to watch The Game. I’m not even sure if The Game qualifies as ratchet vision, but the good thing is that Lent starts on Ash Wednesday so I can watch the premier episode and determine if I’m making a wise decision or not. I refuse to give up Scandal though. That’s not ratchet.

2) Heavy drinking

I had to modify this one like 17 times. I attempted to say I was going to give up drinking but then I realized, I don’t have it in me. Which is possibly what she said. Pshaw. Either way, while I likely won’t give up drinking wholesale for the next 40 days (I’ll give it the old college try), what I can do is chill on the overdoing it, which is one of my specialties in life. So instead of taking 10 shots per night that I’m out, I will cut that in half and only take 5! That is nothing short of a miracle.

(What I’ve noticed is that its very hard for me to stay focused on writing while I’m out of town. It’s like around every corner is a distraction of epic proportions. Which reminds me…what was I saying?)

3) Impulse purchases

I’m the KING of this sh*t right here, n*gga. I see something I want, I buy something I want. That’s how my life has operated for a very long time. But you know what, that is a ridiculous way to live life. Mostly because I’m not rich and that’s a rich man lifestyle. Point is, sometimes I look at the things I buy and I say to myself, “Self, why did thou (I refer to myself in holy terms a lot) purchaseth thith?” And I have no answer. So for the next 40 days, I’m going to reduce my spending to the necessities. As common sense as this sounds, that mixed with less drinking might mean I can pay to have my name put on a stadium in San Francisco. Or Tijuana. Have you been to Tijuana? I have. Don’t go there. Ever. When I went there I realized that this whole America thing is a pretty sweet deal. For reeelz.

And yes, I’m still stranded in Alabama. And hopefully by the time I write my next post I’ll be in the District of Columbia, where SunTrust take my money every month. Short post? Yes. Focused? Possibly. I been drankin’? Definitely.

But ultimately, if you are participating in lent…what are you giving up this year? Talk to me. Let’s share because sharing is caring.

And if you’re not, what is something that you prolly need (or want) to give up just for discipline purposes? Like Elijah Blake says, “Talk To Me”.

-VSB P

The 2014 Oscar’s Real Time Diary

This would be a spoiler if, you know, everybody didn't already know. #LupitaLove

This would be a spoiler if, you know, everybody didn’t already know. #LupitaLove

I’m here blogging all the way live from Huntsville, Alabama since Mother Nature has put her foot all up in the arse of the East Coast this winter. I been stranded, I been stranded. Hopefully I make it back to DC sometime in the near future, but for now, you’re gettin’ some southern fried funk all up in your e-reader. Swag.

Well, because most ninjas I know are watching the Oscars tonight because of 12 Year A Slave’s nominations, I figure I may as well participate in the action with some blogaliciousness. Swag me out.

Also, we’ll see how long I’m able to keep this up. I usually get bored by the Oscars. This year is likely to be no different. Luckily I have my favorite white woman, Ellen, to keep me entertained.

8:30: Annnnnnnnd we’re off. Normally if I see this many tiny white men I assume its a midget KKK rally. Do those even exist? I’m going to keep watching anyway, tho. Luckily these are all tiny see through mannequins. What?

8:32: I f*cks with Ellen the long way. Word that up. I even f*ck with this neck-tie thing she has going on. Thomas Jefferson is like, “I swagged that out first, my Gs”.

8:33: And already Ellen hit our elderly population with the first insensitve joke. I luvs her. See what I did there? Luvs? Diapers? But I’m sleep. Oh…and African jokes. Somali? Sommelier? Bong Bong.

8:35: Can we start a petition to get people like Ellen to host everything? Chris Rock was good a few years back if I remember. Oh…and let’s make sure that LL never hosts anything ever again. Shots at Hollywood’s degree attainment. Though techincally, if somebody was gonna pay me $10milli I’d bounce on college too and buy me a degree online from DeVry. Or ITT Tech.

8:36: Can we please have a moment of silence for the bangin’ ness of Jennifer Lawrence?

8:40: “And now welcome our first white presenter: Anne Hathaway!!”

8:42: First award up, Best Supporting Actor. We’re one award in and we’ve already got more awards presented than the BET Awards from the past 10 years combined. The lesson here? Well there isn’t one. And Jared Leto walks away with it for Dallas Buyer’s Club. Jared Leto is one pretty motherf*cker. He is also fly as THE f*ck up there. Shout outs to mothers stay winnin’ outchea. This ninja talked for quite some time though. I mean, he’s really speeching this up. Wrap it up, b.

Jared Leto is one talkative chap.

8:47: Jim Carrey sighting. Is he the most successful In Living Color alumni? Real question. I asked this real question on Twitter and Twitter quickly said Jamie Foxx. This is debateable, but Jamie might have it.

8:50: Look at Kerry Washington up here introducing another Black person, Pharrell performing “Happy”. Das racist. I mean, it might seem crazy what I’m about to say, but I’m happy so f*ck it. You know, I love this song, but I can really say that I did not see this song taking off like it has. Every day I see somebody post that they are listening to this song to start their day. Which is good, don’t worry, be happy. But some of y’alls is some liars. I know some straight up angry folks posting that song. Must be an example of irony or something. Oh, and Pharrell dancing with Lupita? Racial harmony from the album cover or nah?

8:57: I’m already losing steam but then I heard Samuel Jackson. And I’m like, of course, Samuel Jackson. If he doesn’t yell, I will be disappointed. I feel like Sam Jack needs an honorary Oscar for existing. Shit should be an annual award, “the Samuel L. Jackson Award for Existing”.

9:02: Harrison Ford came out still talking like Branch Rickey from 42. I can’t tell if he normally talks like this and I didn’t know or he’s still acting.

9:05: It’s very easy to get distracted by other things while the Oscar’s are on. For instance…wait…Channing Tatum looks extremely pretty right up there on stage and I’m sure every woman just exhaled. Wait, what was I talking about again? Dammit. Distracted again.

How long is this show? Dammit.

9:11: Ellen outchea giving away LOTTERY TICKETS to people who didn’t win????? That’s so ice cold and hilarious at the same time I don’t even know what to say. I just used like 20 words to say something that I didn’t know what to say.

9:12: Okay, Matthew McConnaghey (sp?) is one fly motherf*cker. Like, for reals. And, listen up America, Botox is not always your friend.

9:15: I saw Frozen and didn’t love it. I thought it was cool, but didn’t love it. However, America seems to have felt differently. That damn movie is EVERYWHERE. So, if Frozen is in a category, Frozen is winning a category.

9:20: I feel inclined to say that at this point, I’m literally fading. I haven’t had a drink (that’s not completely true) but we’re all here for the big awards. They don’t televise stuff like, “Best Singer who Wears Socks”, we could definitely cut the time on this show by only televising the awards most of us watching even realize exist. With that being said, Sally Field.

9:22: I swear I feel like I’ve been watching this show for the past 3 days and its only been an hour. Fuuuuuuuu*ck.

9:25: Some people are singing some song about something. Wow, this is getting REALLY hard to keep up with just from an awake standpoint.

9:36: Bradley Cooper is one cool dude. Even when he’s talking about documentaries, he makes them seem like extra cool documentaries.

9:40: The Oscars just got hit with “His Eye Is On The Sparrow”. We’re all better off for that even if I didn’t see that coming at all.

9:43: Angelina Jolie manages to prove that if there is a fountain of youth out there and you can stay fine as long as you put your mind to it. She is FOCUSED on staying bad as hell.

Here’s whats happened in the last 17 minutes:

Brad Pitt lookin’ like he drinks at the fountain of youth with Angelina every morning. Viola Davis came out and hit the Kenya Moore twirl like “Lupita ain’t the only darkskint woman of note outchea people” and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

10:03: It’s possible I never really pay attention, but there have been a pretty substantial number of Black folks on here thus far. I think. Michael B. Jordan came out with some type of urban wear star tie clip. I’m gonna say that was not a good move. But he’s the man anyway.

10:05: Ellen really was posting the selfies she was taking. That makes me feel like I’m really apart of the process. Awww…thanks Ellen.

10:11: We’re finally getting to the awards that most of us care about. Best Supporting Actress…and the winner is….(I’d totally smang Jennifer Lawrence)….(Lupita is too regal for me to say anything so crass, this feels like a blog post in the making….but ummm…she purty)….HOLY SH*T SHE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUPITA I MEAN!!!!!!!! And she went up there and gave a good speech. I feel like everybody was happy that she won.

You know how some people just seem like you want good things to happen to them. That’s how I feel about her.

I could probably quit now since this is the ENTIRE reason why I watched this long ass show. But I’ll try to continue to stay awake.

10:22: Ellen really just ordered pizza and handed it out. To the audience. She is LEGIT one of the best hosts for all times.

10:26: Bill Murray is still very funny. I have nothing else to add to that.

10:35: Pink is singing. She can sing. People will stand up and clap for her.

10:37: Pink finished singing. People stood up and clapped for her.

10:42: Ellen with the fairy costume. She has energy. She needs it. This show is still going on.

10:59: I lowkey forgot I was doing this by now. Let’s see what’s happened since we last spoke. I honestly don’t know. They did the dead people tribute and Bette Midler sang a song. She sang “Wind Beneath My Wings”…I used to love this song. Still do. You know, I remember many people’s voices much differently when I was younger. Their voices were…better.

11:11: At this point I’m just waiting for the big awards to happen. Oh…Jamie Foxx just showed up with Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel is all types of win. ALL TYPES.

11:33: We’re at the director’s award…Sidney Poitier is on stage in all his vaingloriousness with Angelina Jolie in her fineness and Gravity took it. I haven’t seen it so I’m hatin’. Not really. From what I hear the movie was amazing.

11:41: And we’re nearing the end of the show. This show needs some rappers. Anyway…the Oscar for Best Actress in a Leading Role….Cate Blanchett. For somebody from Australia, she’s done a good job kickin’ that accent.

11:48: Matty M takes the best actor prize. He did a great job in that movie. Also leads to the conspiracy that we can’t get but too many in one night. Not really a conspiracy though. I’ve been drankin’.

11: 56: Motherf*cker, 12 Years A Slave wins Best Picture.

And I’ve given all I have.

Godpseed and good night.

-VSB P

The Bougie Black Girl’s Mount Rushmore

Does she make the mountain?

Does she make the mountain?

For anyone who still doubts Olivia Pope is the patron saint of Bougie Black Girls, last night’s episode of Scandal is all the evidence you’ll need to change your mind. Watching her is like playing a game of Bougie Black Bingo. Every two minutes you get a new opportunity to check off a new section.

Lives in D.C.? Check!

Is a daddy’s girl? Check!

Has a “team” and speaks about “brands” and “branding” and “brand management” and how “brands will make her dance”? Check!

Gets visibly wet when men say things like “I can’t win without you” to her? Check!

May be a functioning alcoholic? Check!

Basically, although she’s a fictional character, she’s an easy choice for the Bougie Black Girl’s Mount Rushmore. But she’s just one person. A Mt. Rushmore needs four people. Who’d be the other three? Of all the women Bougie Black Girls love, emulate, stalk, and occasionally fantasize about, who’s the most deserving of a spot on the mountain?

Let’s see.

Michelle Obama

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An easy choice, FLOTUS flower bomb basically has the Bougie Black Girl’s dream life. Limited power and access. A Gilt-inspired wardrobe. Beautiful daughters named after yoga poses. Brunch dates with Beyonce. A corporate husband with a name Blacker than the Blackest Black barber shop owner.

Lupita Nyong’o

No one in the history of Bougie Blackness has risen faster than the beautiful burgeoning actress. This time last year, no one knew if “Lupita Nyong’o” was the name of an actress or a Korean nail shop with takeout BBQ. But now, after her star-making turn in 12 Years a Slave and stunning appearances on literally everyone’s red carpet (Seriously, I’m considering buying a red carpet from Target tomorrow just to see if she shows up.), she may be the only person in Bougie Black Girl history with an approval rating at 126,000%.

Beyonce

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Despite being regular Black, Beyonce is the Bougie Black Girl’s creative and sexual muse, using her music as an excuse to release repressed sexual urges, turning “game nights” into “awkward public twerk contests featuring NSBE board members and certified public accountants.” Also, her insistence on never, ever, ever, ever, ever sitting down is the main reason why Bougie Black Girls never seem to have enough chairs in their apartments.

***Honorable mention: Issa Rae, Ashley Banks, every character Nia Long and Sanaa Lathan have ever played, Melissa Harris-Perry, Shonda Rhimes, Claire Huxtable, Angela Nissel, Angela Bassett, Mae Jemison, post 1998 to pre 2008 Oprah Winfrey, Eve (not Eve the rapper, but Eve from the Bible)***

Did I miss anyone? Or rather, is there anyone else who should be on the mountain?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Two Thoughts About The Reactions To Pharrell’s GIRL Album Cover

pharrell_girl_album_cover_a_s

1. It’s been two years since Trayvon Martin was murdered. A couple weeks since a jury let Jordan Davis’ killer off the hook for murder. Eight months since I watched Fruitvale Station. These and other notable stories about the tenuousness of Black male life have dominated (and will likely continue to dominate) our conversations about what it means to be present in America. Black males are both endangered and dangerous. Threats and targets. Feared and scared. Policed and…privileged.

Yes. Privileged.

This (obviously) does not apply to all Black males. But, for many who’ve, by the grace of God, managed to make it to their 20s, managed to be employable, and managed to stay out of the system, the tides change. People will support and root for you just because you’re a living Black man with a job and a driver’s licence. Someone might even create a job for you. You have social capital. If you brush your teeth, tie your shoes, and can put two sentences together, you’ll likely have romantic options. You will always be included.

This privilege is also tenuous. You’re still a Black man in America, which means it can be lost forever at a traffic light. Or at a movie theater. But it exists. And the mental juxtaposition of possessing this micro-level privilege while existing in a hostile country can be jarring, comforting, and humbling. Sometimes all at the same time. It can also make you a prick.

I thought about this yesterday when reading some of the reactions to Pharrell’s GIRL album cover. More specifically, I thought about how, when I first saw it, I didn’t think anything of it at all. I clicked on a link, said “Oh, I guess Pharrell has a new album” and went about my day. The “Black male artist surrounding himself with racially ambiguous women…again” thing didn’t even register with me.

A small part of this is due to the fact that I don’t pay much attention to Pharrell. I like his music, but I like it the same way I like grapes and pillowcases. The bigger part is due to me just not being as sensitive to the context making that cover upsetting to (many) Black women. I looked at it and saw an artist trying to convey a sexy type of “fun.” Others saw another example of a prominent Black man shunning his sizable Black female fan base and promoting “other” women as some sort of feminine ideal.

Just as I didn’t intentionally overlook how potentially troublesome that image could be, I’m sure Pharrell didn’t consciously want to insult Black women. He’s probably laying in some hyperbaric chamber below a lake right now, shocked at the pushback it’s received. And both my lack of awareness and Pharrell’s lack of consideration is a result of privilege. It didn’t immediately register to me because I’m not as sensitive to those types of images, and I’m not as sensitive to those types of images because I’ve never had to be. Sure, when someone points it out, I recognize it. And, I’ll even join the “yeah..that’s effed up” chorus. But, despite whichever challenges I face as a Black man, having my sexual/physical/aesthetic value and desirability constantly dismissed (or even ignored) — often by the same people I love and support — is something I’ve never really had to deal with.

2. This conversation brings up another point; a point that makes you wonder if a person like Pharrell or Kanye is caught in a perpetual catch-22.

GIRL’s cover features Pharrell and three women in bathrobes. It looks like they’re in a hotel room. Maybe a private home or resort. It’s (somewhat) implied that they’ve either just finished a foursome, or they’re about to go have a foursome. (8:20 am edit: So, according to some comments here and on Facebook, the cover may also suggest they’re just headed to some type of spa. Which doesn’t negate my main point, but does prove I was raised on Cinemax After Dark.) If this is true, they’re his sexual props, and it would qualify as objectification. Maybe it’s not as explicit as “Tip Drill”, but the idea is the same: “I’m a cool motherfucker. So cool that all these beautiful women want to have sex with me.”

With videos like “Tip Drill”, the objectification was the problem. With the GIRL cover, though, the problem seems to be that Black women aren’t considered attractive enough to be objectified. But, sexual objectification is a bad thing. As is using women as sexual props. Right? Or is it only a bad thing when it’s not done tastefully by someone as cool as Pharrell?

I’d try to answer those questions, but I think I just gave myself a nosebleed. Where’s a hyperbaric chamber when you need one?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)