A “He Said”/”She Said” Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships

"My girl grillin' me. I got to go. This isn't going to end well."

What happens when you ask a group of women to tell you about some of the worst habits that men from their past have shared in common? They instantly become great writers, historians, and comedians who don’t shy away from exclamation marks and ALL CAPS. Here’s a short list of things guaranteed to drive 99.9% of good women away and how a man might justify doing these things, from two people who have been there (or who at least know someone who has).

1)    Habitually “checking in” and then falling off

Rahiel: His nickname is Mr. Check-in. Why? Because he’s the king of “I’m just checking in.” Rain, sleet, or snow – he’s guaranteed to call, text or email to ask about her day, family, and current affairs (like conflict in the Middle East). But it never amounts to anything (dates, a relationship, meaningful dialogue) besides him soon falling off of the face of the earth. Only to resurface weeks or months later – just in time to “check-in” again. He has seemingly devoted his life to keeping a foot in the door until she finally figures it all out and tells him to “checkout” or simply gives him a taste of his own disappearing act.

Panama: Is it really men’s fault that we like being cordial? In fact, it’s women’s fault for assuming all of those convos are supposed to lead anywhere. Plus, only in a woman’s mind does a man calling to ask sincere questions about how she’s doing and what she’s up to come across as rude and disingenuous. If it was your insurance salesman, you’d be pleased as punch. Your dentist calls every six months, but if we do it, then we’re playing games? I’m calling shenanigans on this one. We “check in” because you crossed our mind – plain and simple. Be glad somebody’s thinking about you instead of being upset that somebody out there in this great big world thought enough to send a simple, “I hope all is well.” I’m convinced that women and bobcats are the only species on the planet who believe that every single action has to lead to something. Live like the honey badger. Besides, you’ll be dead soon enough and nobody will text you then.

2)    Doing the bare minimum

Rahiel: He asks her out on a date, she accepts, and he responds, “So, figure out what you want to do and let me know.” This is what one of my girls had to say about that: “Why do I now have to plan everything?  Wasn’t this date your idea?  I think it says a lot if a man at least puts forth the effort to suggest something you could do on your date OR God forbid actually has everything planned. I think the complete lack of effort is either laziness, lack of leadership ability, or a sign of a self-centered man who does not think he needs to put forth any effort all.” This doesn’t mean that the blueprint has to be laid out, but where’s the initiative? Having ideas in mind and having made efforts to plan things out suggest interest, responsibility, and consideration for others. And those things never go out of style – even if you think chivalry has.

Panama: I totally agree on this one. Any man who won’t put at least a little effort into planning probably isn’t really that into you. I’ve been that guy before and I honestly feel bad about it sometimes. I’m almost sure I owe a few apologies too. But you live and you learn. You know what though? You have to be careful with this one as well – not to read too much into it. Some guys are just chock full of knowledge of random and interesting things to do because they like doing them. Of course, those guys are a win for you. Just remember, you might feel special, but he took a chick hang-gliding yesterday too, boo. But in general, the least a man can do is plan a day or an evening that you’ll spend together unless it’s agreed upon that you’ll just be streaming Netflix movies and ordering take out. Or watching reality television. Or yada yada yada.

3)    Acting like a “sweatbox”

Rahiel: Growing up in DC, there were particular words you never wanted associated with your name. After bamma and hoodrat, sweatbox was high on the list. The term has historically been used to reference a man or woman who excessively admires another individual – to an embarrassing (for all) extent. Somewhat of an unsolicited hype man. Sweatboxes weren’t cool back then, and they’re not cool now. Women may vary in what they deem as an “acceptable sweat level,” but no one (in their right mind) wants to be contacted so much by you that it borders on stalking and begs the question: you don’t have anything better to do in life than worship the ground I walk on? 

Panama: Again, I’m calling shenanigans. This is complete and utter nonsense. And do you know why? You only feel this way about the guys you’re not interested in. If you are feeling him then he can’t call you enough. If you like him he can text you 1,000 times a day and you’ll think each one just shows how much he likes you. You’ll rave to your friends about how much communication you all share. THEN you’ll always be available whenever he’s available. This is only an issue when the dude you aren’t interested in keeps calling you. That dude is a nuisance. That dude doesn’t get the message that you’re not interested. That guy is the “sweatbox”. The guy you like? That guy is thoughtful and charming and can’t seem to get enough of you. That guy treats you like a queen… and worships the ground you walk on and you love it. Miss me with this one.

4)    Talking a good game but never following through

Rahiel: He didn’t enroll in “How to Keep a Woman Happy 101” while in school and therefore doesn’t know that he should never tell her he’s going to do something and not actually do it. To him it’s just a phone call that he neglected to make (for the 100^th time nonetheless), but to her it’s an epic failure and betrayal. Why? Because if she can’t take his words to the bank and trust that she’ll get a return on them, then they’ll quickly become null and void to her.  And we all know that if you’ve lost a woman’s trust, you’ve ultimately committed relationship suicide. One word sums this all up: integrity. One female friend informed me that a lot of her girls have resorted to launching hi-tech investigations on new men that come into their lives.  This entails checking all social media sites,  wedding websites, and the registry lists of popular stores for wedding and/or baby registries. Really? It’s THAT serious now? What ever happened to full disclosure?

Panama: Seems to me like you’re talking about two different things: follow through and honesty. Now yes, they are related, but obviously, some men don’t follow through because they don’t mean it in the first place. Blame the first woman who ever let him off the hook: his mama. Plus he’s probably only saying what he thinks you want to hear and it isn’t worth it to him to follow through because what he wants from you and what he gets are one and the same. No need to do better for you because he isn’t convinced that he can’t do better than you. Now on the honesty side of things, well, we all lie. Or rather we all tell versions of our own truths; women too. Y’all don’t tell men upfront that you’re crazy just like he didn’t tell you that he had a wife. Equal trade off? Nope. But you’ll probably both end up dead in a few months dealing with each other anyway so whoopty do. By the way, while I do understand the desire to do a Google search on anybody you meet, some women take it too far. If you keep trying to find something wrong, you WILL find something wrong. Real talk, what happens in Mexico that ends up in the press, STAYS in Mexico. Oh and miss me on the full disclosure because very few women are going to put their nonsense in the street while expecting the man to let her know everything she needs to move forward. Women are information hoarders without wanting to do the same. Stop it.

***

Ladies? Fellas? What’s your take on those situations? Talk to me.

-VSB P and Rahiel Tesfamariam

Check back tomorrow on Urban Cusp for Part 2 of this series.

Meet Urban Cusp’s founder/editorial director Rahiel. You can follow her on Twitter @RahielT. Follow Urban Cusp at @UrbanCusp and join Urban Cusp’s fan page on Facebook.

A “He Said”/”She Said” Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships
By Rahiel Tesfamariam (Urban Cusp) and Panama Jackson (Very Smart Brothas)

Warning: This ain’t politically correct; this might offend our personal connects

The Man in Her Head

Rahiel: As a woman, do you have The MITH (Man In The Head) Syndrome? Diagnosis is made when you realize (or are repeatedly told) that you’re madly in love with and dating a man you’ve never actually met (no, not Idris Elba), but the Weird Science figment of your imagination you crafted out of snippets of your favorite movies, songs, books, sermons, and romantic stories. You know who I’m talking about – the Ossie to your Ruby, the Clyde to your Bonnie, and the Barack to your Michelle. The man who has 24.5 items out of the 25 on your front and back list.

The MITH is a manufactured ideal that feeds into unrealistic fantasies of what love and marriage are all about. Where did The MITH come from? This varies based on a multitude of factors – family, class, culture, environment, education, religion, values, etc. Some might argue that he’s a manifestation of the father figure that was or wasn’t in the picture during childhood. Others would say that he’s an aggregate of every man ever encountered in life. Why is it difficult to be cured of The MITH? Because denial has become viral and old habits die hard.

At the age of 30, I know now that The MITH is not our fault. I instead blame Jem (I was never big on Barbie) for convincing us that we can be the star of our own shows as our supportive partners stand in the sidelines catering to our every need. I fault Dirty Dancing for leading us to believe that Nobody-Puts-Baby-In-The-Corner men with checkered pasts best know how to sweep good girls off of their feet.  Beyond pop culture (R&B, Hip-Hop, and The Notebook particularly), I also point the finger at Black churches and our sista-girls.

Those influences combined lead so many of us to believe that one man can and should embody all of the following traits all of the time: protective/ sensitive, spontaneous/ calculated, charismatic/ humble, passionate/ laid back, sensual/ reserved, spiritual/ grounded , serious/ silly, feminist/ a man’s man, and faithful/ desired-by-all-other-women-on-earth. We end up believing that the knight in shining armor we read about in Disney books (or saw in Tyler Perry films) may make a special appearance in not only our classrooms, corporate offices, and churches, but perhaps even in the clubs and hoods of America. While millions of women remain unaffected by The MITH, I’m convinced that this plague has become pandemic, crossing all racial, cultural and class boundaries.

The Man He Ain’t

Panama: For all of the great things that men bring to the table – the table, for instance – one of our biggest faults in relationships is our resistance to change unless it’s on our own terms. Of course, it would be easier if our women didn’t constantly view us through the paradigm of the man in her head and expect him to show up instead of the man she’s dating, but that’s just the price of doing business. But change is a part of life. It’s a part of growing. So we tend to stand in our own way by constantly reminding, and simultaneously pissing off our women by telling them who we ain’t. Which is the lose-lose for everybody.

“Baby, you knew when we met I didn’t pick up my socks. Why are you complaining now? I’m not a clean dude.” Or “I’m not the call you all day guy.” Or “I’m not the guy who is going to be that sympathetic ear. I’m a fixer, not a listener! Period.” That last one is a big problem. But it seems like men, as a species, like to change and evolve on our own time and of our own doing. I mean, we want our woman to be the same woman we fell in love with, why can’t I be the same too? Why do we have to do all this changing? I ain’t that dude anyway. I’m me. And I’m gonna stay me. Stupidity, thy name is single man.

The funny thing is that there’s a long held secret amongst most men. We actually want to be the man our women want us to be. For one, it would make our lives easier (or so we think…and actually so SHE thinks), and two, we realize we could be better men. But it’s hard being yourself, by yourself, for so long successfully and then having to completely uproot who you are to make somebody else happy, especially when that person seems to go so far to point out your flaws as opposed to what you do right. It’s all in the delivery. We’d be more inclined to make some of those changes if it didn’t feel like our every move was an affront to your sanity, peace on Earth, and goodwill towards men. Real talk. The Civil War claimed a lot of lives, why bring it home and let it claim our relationship? The answer can’t ALWAYS be, “well if you’d just do xyz…” can it?

The Woman She Thinks She Is

Rahiel: Worse than believing that The MITH exists is believing that we deserve him. This is where we must be brutally honest with ourselves. If there really was a man alive who embodied the creativity of Langston Hughes, the charisma of Malcolm X, the brilliance of DuBois, the enterprise of Reginald Lewis, the athleticism of Jordan, the passion of Tupac, the looks of Denzel, and the moral perfection and self-sacrifice of Jesus, then what in the world would he want with you and I? Even on our best days – we’re no match for The MITH.

But there’s a woman who is, and that’s “the ideal woman” that so many of us convince ourselves that we are. Truth be told, we can possess a lot of non-negotiables, but still wrestle with basics such as an understanding and love of self, trust and communication. While we would all like to think that we’re the “sure you can spend this weekend kicking it with your boys without worrying about me” type, the reality is that a lot of us seek constant validation from our lovers. And as Panama Jackson (perhaps inspired by his church going days) says, “It’s not a man’s job to make you whole.” In short, what a man says and does should never define who you are in the relationship.

Who She Is For Real For Real

Panama: It’s funny. If a woman tells a man who he really is (i.e. lazy, inconsiderate, selfish, etc.), he’s just supposed to take it, acknowledge it (because she can’t be wrong), fix it, and make her happy. But if a man tells a woman about herself, it’s akin to kicking her down a flight of stairs. “How could he? That’s not me!” Plus she hasn’t consulted her homegirls who will likely tell her that she’s not a nag or a complainer or overly negative or passive aggressive or rude or a malcontent and hard to be around. Of course, she’ll never get the truth because the people that don’t like her for those reasons have removed themselves from her life anyway.

[***Admin Note: Today we're going to have a guest poster in longtime VSB reader and commenter, Tunde aka MadScientist7,�grace these hallowed halls of VSBU.�Kick off your�shoes and relax your feet.�Read ninja.***]�

First I want to thank Panama for allowing me to grace VerySmartBrothas. When he asked me if I wanted to do a guest post I fretted over what to write about. On my blog I write about randomness so I figured that this would be no different. A couple of weeks ago while I was on twitter I noticed Talib Kweli was tweeting a lot about something called #OccupyWallStreet. I assumed that was the name of a new song or mixtape until I clicked the hashtag and I found out that it was something completely different.

Occupy Wall Street is an ongoing demonstration that opposes corrupt corporate influence in�US politics. The aim of the demonstration is to protest corporate greed and social inequality. Personally I don�t know if I agree with the direction of the protests because it seems a little unorganized. They are trying to fight too many fronts at once. Personally I think they should stick to one point and focus on that. Occupy Wall Street has recently come into the media spotlight, not because of their political message, but because members of the NYPD pepper sprayed, punched and stepped on peaceful marchers.�

�Outside of the hoopla made over mistreatment of protesters the aim of the demonstrations actually got me to think which I�m sure was the original intention. I would see pictures like these scattered about the internet.

As Americans we are sold a dream from the time we can remember that to make it in this country the first step is get an education. After you receive an education you�ll be able to find a good job and make enough money to support yourself and family.

The American dream.

My parents moved to this country in order to provide a better life�for my siblings and myself. So as you can imagine the American dream was beat into our heads double because of the sacrifices my parents made. That being said I made education my priority. I hold a PhD in Biomedical Research with a concentration in Biochemistry and Cancer Biology. I am currently at my first job and even though I grew up lower middle class it�s been a long time since I felt any of the hardships that the �99%� have felt. I�m torn between two very different and distinct emotions concerning education.

I empathize with a lot of the �99%�. As much education as I�ve received in my lifetime (and the more that I plan on getting) sometimes I wonder if I made the right decisions. I know education isn�t for everyone and the most valuable lessons learned in life aren�t found in classrooms. More importantly the fact that it�s not what you know but whom you know just isn�t fair. A person can spend upwards of $100K on getting �educated� and someone who barely graduated high school can get the job that was �promised� to them because the less qualified person is related to someone important.

You decided the path to walk. Growing up my favorite subjects in high school were history and math. I was good at other subjects but those were the two I got the most joy from. Naturally some people would major in one of the two when they went off to college. Not me. Why? What�s the projected average salary for a history major? I�ll pass on struggling to barely make in a year what I paid for a year of school. I picked a major that was more financially stable yet I still enjoyed. I got my history fix by watching the History Channel. I don�t understand why people get Master�s degrees in subjects like fashion merchandising then are surprised when they are in debt and can�t find a job after graduation.

While I find #OccupyWallStreet (and similar occupations that are taking place around the country) interesting I doubt any amount of protests are going to change corporations from paying minimal taxes while the working class carries the load as far as stimulating this country�s economy. I hate to be a wet blanket but in this capitalistic society the rich get richer and I don�t see that changing anytime soon.

Have you heard of the #OccupyWallStreet? Do you think NYPD is wrong in the way they are handling the protesters? How do you feel about the American Dream? How important is a formal education to you?

Here are two great websites where you can find information on #OccupyWallStreet and see stories of those affected:

https://occupywallst.org/

http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

- TUNDE

A little about Tunde: I’m an ordinary guy. Sometimes I do extraordinary things. If you want to read more of my randomness I can be found at http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ and at http://twitter.com/#!/BrazenlyVirile

as you’ve probably noticed, verysmartbrothas.com, a relationship-centric website, hasn’t had any relationship-centric content in over a week. we’re the sh*t, though, so thats ok. plus, its a recession.

with this in mind, we’ve turned to dame from thismayconcernyou.com to help us out a bit today. enjoy, and have a great holiday weekend and sh*t.

—the champ

“I learned a long time ago never to ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.” ~ Darius Lovehall departing some salient advice in the film “Love Jones.”

To People Who Constantly Ask “Why?”:

I am a self-professed movie snob. But I do like my fair share of horrible flicks including Jamie Foxx’s “Breaking All The Rules.” I’m a fan of the film because Gabrielle Union stars in it. of its niche: applying employee termination rules to break-up technique.

When you think it through, the idea works … and its application translates to my reasoning for never questioning “Why?” when someone breaks up with you, won’t go on Date No. 3 or won’t give you his/her number.

When you’re fired from an at-will job, your employer is not required to explain why he/she is canceling your benefits, depleting your bank account, ostensibly ruining your life while kicking you toward the end of the mile-long unemployment line. giving you the pink slip. It could be because you smell like PigPen, dress like you belong on a pole, sound like Donald Duck or remind your supervisor of The Predator — all reasons you might not get the digits. Or it could be obvious early on that you perform as efficiently as a 1992 Buick LeSabre with 196,421 miles runs — a reason you don’t get to Date No. 3. But your supervisor isn’t required to tell you why.

You are smart enough to know none of aforementioned reasons (the non-stricken ones) is the cause behind the relationship split. There’s a great chance that he sees you as Jennifer Aniston. But he’s found an Angelina Jolie with whom he wants to start an Octomom-like babyfarm. Still, you keep querying “Why?” with little success and plenty of frustration. Just stop and ask yourself this: Does The “WHY?” even matter?

You should come up with a quick “No, it doesn’t,” and move on with your life. You wanna know why she/he broke up with you? Because you keep asking the damn question “why?” he/she doesn’t want you.

That may seem tough. But test the theory out. You might flip the script and leave your antagonist befuddled. But more important, you won’t want to grab a knife and stab his ass, pick up a brick and bust his cars windows or choke her until she can no longer sing “Take A Bow” do anything vindictive or spiteful when he/she feeds you sour nothings. Remember, you probably know why this person is cutting you from or not allowing you into his/her life.

Seriously, why subject yourself to someone’s merry-go-round games? Haven’t you heard: wise people don’t argue with fools or chimps … “cause people from a distance can’t tell who’s who”. (Jigga)

Sincerely yours,

Dame (definitely not Dash)

P.S. A white person clearly wrote “Breaking All The Rules” because Gabrielle Union looks nothing like Halle Berry.

Anyone else notice getting a job is alot like getting some ass?

When you�re young, you hit the mall or whatever nearby shopping center and pass out your �application� to whomever will take it.� You�d like to �work� somewhere nice, but you don�t really care that much who �employs� you as long as you �get paid.�� Your presentation is awkward and you don�t really know what you�re supposed to say to impress your audience, but you hope you�ll get lucky because it seems like everyone else has found work. On top of that, you�re getting older now, so it�s about time you �worked.�

As you gain maturity and �work experience,� you get more selective about whom you�ll apply with.� You won�t just �do anything� or maybe you will, but if you do something below your standards, you never intend to stay with it long.� And if you do stay with it too long, ya ass is sad and frustrated telling yourself, �I could be doing better than this shit.� I shouldn�t have even fugged with this.� I�m finna leave soon as��

Assuming you stick and move right and don�t get stuck in such a �working relationship� that you can�t stand, by the time you reach early adulthood, you know how the game works a lil better.� By now you�ve realized that meeting �employers� in intimate spaces like school, cookouts, get-togethers, socials, conventions, and conferences is really how you �get in.�� Sharing mutual acquaintances or being a part of some network also helps big.� You understand that the picky employers screen their candidates, so gatherings like these put you in an exclusive pool by default.� Randomly passing your number on to a stranger without any prior connection is for losers or the lucky.

Once a grown man, you�re pretty certain where you want to �put in your labor.�� You�ve had enough jobs that you�ve left either amicably or in turmoil that you know the prizes and pitfalls of working with different types of people.� And, now, since you feel a bit confident about what you�re worth, you�re not desperate.� You search for jobs online and send your �resume�� to those you�d like to toil for, or you attend specific events where potential hires and �staffers� go to meet.

If you gain someone�s initial interest, you get excited at the prospect of an �interview.�� You, sometimes literally, pray to get the chance to impress the employer one-on-one in a more personal setting than a noisy room or from behind a computer screen.� Jah know when you get a call to �set a date� later in the week (or month or two), ya ass is runnin� around tellin� all your friends that you might �got something.�

If you�re in the opposite position and never hear back from the company, you wonder what was wrong with your approach, spiel, credentials, etc. and what the cat who got the job must look/be like.� If you go too long without getting any calls, you start to feel like a loser; like nobody likes you.� You begin to feel young and desperate and resolve that you�ll take whomever comes along first.

Returning to the original scenario though: suppose you do get an interview.� You�re nervous as hell the night before and might sleep uneasily.� The morning of the big day, you get fresh to deff in your best fits and anxiously leave the house.� If you suspect you might be late, you dang near sh%t your pants on the drive there for fear the interviewer will write you off on sheer tardiness.� Everyone knows tardy nickas ain�t that serious.

*Phew* You arrive just on time.� They�re not even ready for you yet (as usually is the case, you�ve learned.)� While waiting, you pray you don�t fugg this up.� You try to prepare for whatever questions will be asked.� You plan to be honest because you have principles and demands in adulthood, but it�s still game.� It�s still delivery.� You still have to �tell �em what they wanna hear� to some degree.

During the actual interview, you smile, feign to be heavily engrossed in the conversation, and laugh nervously when appropriate.� You mask or downplay your weaknesses well and play up your strengths.� Even though this may not be �the one,� you want the option.� You�re far more amicable and gregarious than you usually are.� You even try to show off your intellect when you have opportunities too.

The minute you leave the venue you begin to wonder what the employer thought of you and what impression you made.� Could you really �get it�?� If you�re confident, you grin and congratulate yourself, �It�s just a matter of time.�� You expect a call soon inviting you �on board.��� If you sense you didn�t do too well, you soothe yourself by saying, �Something else will come along.�� You cheer yourself up however you can.� Weed, alcohol, or flirting with another less attractive (sometimes ex) employer often helps. You�ll get back on the grind as soon as you can.� You�ll �be aight.�

Every time your phone rings you hope it�s good news.� If too much time elapses and it becomes evident that you�re not going to be invited back, you go through the obligatory rejected, defensive tirade: �Fugg them!� I ain�t like �em that much no way.� They got better issh out there.�

If �the call� does come, you nod your head proudly and strut like a mack, �I�m bout to get it!�� If you�re used to getting such calls, you�re not that excited, but happy nonetheless.� Your ego is well stroked.� You might be impatient though if the call is for a �second interview� instead of the actual �position�: �Sh%t, this better be it.� Not going through all that twice for nothing.� Fugg that!� I better get it after all this.�

Luckily, you�re usually right, but when you�re wrong, you reason that the company is on some next sh%t anyway or maybe the other cat, who you know exists but isn�t spoken of, fits their tastes just a lil better than you.� It�s disappointing, but you can live with that.� If you made it that far, someone else is sure to like you soon.

And on the rare occasions when you breeze through two interviews, when you get a call to third, you don�t even want the dang job no more: �Frontin� ass ain�t even that hot!� You know you like me!�

-HAROLD CLEMENS of GHETTOUPRISING.COM