Category Archives: evil

Curtain Call: Signs It’s Time To Go…From Anywhere

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When he shows up...I'm out.

Earlier today, Lil Boosie (nee Torrance Hatch) plead guilty to transporting drugs into two federal prison facilities. I think its safe to say that he’s about to get buried under the jail. Now, the relevance there lies only in the fact that Lil Boosie looks like the kind of dude I’d avoid in general. And at all costs. You know the look. And do you know why you know the look? It’s because you profile. So do I. Which is how we got here in the first place.

By the way, Kimberly Elise specializes in looking a hot damn mess. Period.

Moving on. I remember a long time ago I was at this spot in Atlanta and a group of dudes who all looked like Lil Boosie walked into the spot. It was at that point that my spidey sense went off and I immediately closed the piano and walked the f*ck out of the spot. Some situations just look like violence or wrong is about to happen. And I for one prefer not to be in that vicinity. Well this random thought occurred to me today about other signs that it just might indeed be time to get the f*ck out of dodge.

Curious? I thought you might be. Here’s a list. Well, below is a list. Underground.

1. My phone battery gets down to 15 percent

I don’t care if I’m at church. If my battery gets down that low, it’s time to roll the f*ck out. There’s something about being lost in the world without a working cell phone. I know that emergencies don’t happen that often and all but what if the ONE time my phone is about to shut off a band of muscular midgets rolls up on me, robs me and I can’t call the police because my phone is dead…because I’m in Zaire. I’d be #madahellshawty. It’s like my own personal checks and balance. My phone battery being low lets me know that I need to rethink my life and be in a safe place. Panic room.

2. Somebody takes off his shirt/wifebeater

I go to clubs where tshirts tend to be frowned upon. But if I see out of the corner of my eye that some dude is coming out of his shirt, I assume that some violence is about to go down. Or in the illustrious words of (the ladies screaming go…) Andre 3000, “two ni**as done started bustin, one ni**a done took his shirt off talkin’ ’bout, ‘now who else wanna f*ck with Hollywood Court’” I know a crime in progress when I see one.

3. Girls get into an argument with a dude

This one is a bit of a catch-22. See, nothing good comes of a man arguing with a woman. But women also know this and don’t expect men to act like men because breasts are present. So the chick will loudcap, push the forehead, mush a ninja, and generally just get brolic on a dude. Thing is, these situations NEVER end well. NEVER. These situations end up on World Star Hip Hop with some chick getting bodied by a dude who will inevitably go to prison at some point in his life. But I can’t just run out the club since I know that the girl will need help. Basically, I stay out of clubs…

4. …where guys show up in the Grown & Sexxy special

You know, striped button ups, really cheap expensive jeans and some ALDO shoes. And fake Gucci sunglasses. At night. When a band of these merry men show up in the club…its time to go. Even if nothing does go down, they increase the potential for f*cksh*t by 1000 percent. That sh*t was written like a Drake freestyle.

Those are some signs that its time to get the f*ck out of dodge. What are some other signs that its time to roll? Share so we all may know.

I’m gully.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. ITS MURDAAAAAAAAAA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Man in Her Head: A Barrier or Motivation to Be Better (Part 1 of 2)

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No relationship is just comprised of two people. If you’re in a relationship, I bet you thought it was just you and the other person you’re dating. It turns out that there are fifty-leven people inside the relationship. Here’s a discussion about some of those people, from two people who have been there.

A “He Said”/”She Said” Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships
By Rahiel Tesfamariam (Urban Cusp) and Panama Jackson (Very Smart Brothas)

Warning: This ain’t politically correct; this might offend our personal connects

The Man in Her Head

Rahiel: As a woman, do you have The MITH (Man In The Head) Syndrome? Diagnosis is made when you realize (or are repeatedly told) that you’re madly in love with and dating a man you’ve never actually met (no, not Idris Elba), but the Weird Science figment of your imagination you crafted out of snippets of your favorite movies, songs, books, sermons, and romantic stories. You know who I’m talking about – the Ossie to your Ruby, the Clyde to your Bonnie, and the Barack to your Michelle. The man who has 24.5 items out of the 25 on your front and back list.

The MITH is a manufactured ideal that feeds into unrealistic fantasies of what love and marriage are all about. Where did The MITH come from? This varies based on a multitude of factors – family, class, culture, environment, education, religion, values, etc. Some might argue that he’s a manifestation of the father figure that was or wasn’t in the picture during childhood. Others would say that he’s an aggregate of every man ever encountered in life. Why is it difficult to be cured of The MITH? Because denial has become viral and old habits die hard.

At the age of 30, I know now that The MITH is not our fault. I instead blame Jem (I was never big on Barbie) for convincing us that we can be the star of our own shows as our supportive partners stand in the sidelines catering to our every need. I fault Dirty Dancing for leading us to believe that Nobody-Puts-Baby-In-The-Corner men with checkered pasts best know how to sweep good girls off of their feet.  Beyond pop culture (R&B, Hip-Hop, and The Notebook particularly), I also point the finger at Black churches and our sista-girls.

Those influences combined lead so many of us to believe that one man can and should embody all of the following traits all of the time: protective/ sensitive, spontaneous/ calculated, charismatic/ humble, passionate/ laid back, sensual/ reserved, spiritual/ grounded , serious/ silly, feminist/ a man’s man, and faithful/ desired-by-all-other-women-on-earth. We end up believing that the knight in shining armor we read about in Disney books (or saw in Tyler Perry films) may make a special appearance in not only our classrooms, corporate offices, and churches, but perhaps even in the clubs and hoods of America. While millions of women remain unaffected by The MITH, I’m convinced that this plague has become pandemic, crossing all racial, cultural and class boundaries.

The Man He Ain’t

Panama: For all of the great things that men bring to the table – the table, for instance – one of our biggest faults in relationships is our resistance to change unless it’s on our own terms. Of course, it would be easier if our women didn’t constantly view us through the paradigm of the man in her head and expect him to show up instead of the man she’s dating, but that’s just the price of doing business. But change is a part of life. It’s a part of growing. So we tend to stand in our own way by constantly reminding, and simultaneously pissing off our women by telling them who we ain’t. Which is the lose-lose for everybody.

“Baby, you knew when we met I didn’t pick up my socks. Why are you complaining now? I’m not a clean dude.” Or “I’m not the call you all day guy.” Or “I’m not the guy who is going to be that sympathetic ear. I’m a fixer, not a listener! Period.” That last one is a big problem. But it seems like men, as a species, like to change and evolve on our own time and of our own doing. I mean, we want our woman to be the same woman we fell in love with, why can’t I be the same too? Why do we have to do all this changing? I ain’t that dude anyway. I’m me. And I’m gonna stay me. Stupidity, thy name is single man.

The funny thing is that there’s a long held secret amongst most men. We actually want to be the man our women want us to be. For one, it would make our lives easier (or so we think…and actually so SHE thinks), and two, we realize we could be better men. But it’s hard being yourself, by yourself, for so long successfully and then having to completely uproot who you are to make somebody else happy, especially when that person seems to go so far to point out your flaws as opposed to what you do right. It’s all in the delivery. We’d be more inclined to make some of those changes if it didn’t feel like our every move was an affront to your sanity, peace on Earth, and goodwill towards men. Real talk. The Civil War claimed a lot of lives, why bring it home and let it claim our relationship? The answer can’t ALWAYS be, “well if you’d just do xyz…” can it?

The Woman She Thinks She Is

Rahiel: Worse than believing that The MITH exists is believing that we deserve him. This is where we must be brutally honest with ourselves. If there really was a man alive who embodied the creativity of Langston Hughes, the charisma of Malcolm X, the brilliance of DuBois, the enterprise of Reginald Lewis, the athleticism of Jordan, the passion of Tupac, the looks of Denzel, and the moral perfection and self-sacrifice of Jesus, then what in the world would he want with you and I? Even on our best days – we’re no match for The MITH.

But there’s a woman who is, and that’s “the ideal woman” that so many of us convince ourselves that we are. Truth be told, we can possess a lot of non-negotiables, but still wrestle with basics such as an understanding and love of self, trust and communication. While we would all like to think that we’re the “sure you can spend this weekend kicking it with your boys without worrying about me” type, the reality is that a lot of us seek constant validation from our lovers. And as Panama Jackson (perhaps inspired by his church going days) says, “It’s not a man’s job to make you whole.” In short, what a man says and does should never define who you are in the relationship.

Who She Is For Real For Real

Panama: It’s funny. If a woman tells a man who he really is (i.e. lazy, inconsiderate, selfish, etc.), he’s just supposed to take it, acknowledge it (because she can’t be wrong), fix it, and make her happy. But if a man tells a woman about herself, it’s akin to kicking her down a flight of stairs. “How could he? That’s not me!” Plus she hasn’t consulted her homegirls who will likely tell her that she’s not a nag or a complainer or overly negative or passive aggressive or rude or a malcontent and hard to be around. Of course, she’ll never get the truth because the people that don’t like her for those reasons have removed themselves from her life anyway.

So she’s surrounded by a bunch of people who are just like her and who also don’t see it as a problem. Everybody else is the problem. Most people are intimately familiar with who they think they are, but when faced with the truth, it’s hard to acknowledge. You ever notice in most movies that it’s the men who have the come to Jesus “I’m gonna do right” moments? Women are always fine just the way that they are. Yeah. Bull malarkey. Most women aren’t the image they portray themselves to be. Most women are the exact opposite of who they proclaim to be. Put simply: if she tells you she’d never do it, she’s going to do it as soon as she gets home. So long as nobody’s looking. Women are the living manifestation of plausible deniability.

Do you agree or disagree? Have these people been in your relationships?

******
Rahiel Tesfamariam is the Founder / Editorial Director of UrbanCusp.com, a cutting-edge online life.style magazine highlighting progressive urban culture, faith, social change and global awareness. In her spare time, she thinks, dreams, believes and loves deeply. You can follow her on Twitter at @RahielT. Follow Urban Cusp at @UrbanCusp and LIKE Urban Cusp on their Facebook fan page.

*******

Check for Part 2 of this series on UrbanCusp.com tomorrow!

Still Black In America

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I got caught up in Soledad O’Brien’s latest edition to the Black In America canon that aired last night on CNN. This episode was entitled “The Promised Land – Silicon Valley” and was about Black entreprenuerism in the tech world. It followed a house full of individuals, Black men and women, attempting to demo projects in order to raise money to get their sites and projects off the ground. Really heady stuff…mostly because despite living a semi-charmed life online, I know pretty much jack sh*t about building a startup tech-centric website.

But one particular scene stood out from the rest, poison as can be, a high powered chest to me. A professor from Duke University (can’t remember his name to save my life) of Indian descent was talking to the developers about the fact that when he began his venture capital company somebody told him to get a white man to be the face of the company and that’s how a lot of companies operate. Basically, investors like to see white men because it gives them some sort of comfort in the product. You know, the psychological something or other that exists in nearly every community.

I mean let’s be real, I feel safer (and more inclined to be okay staying there) when I see white people live in a community I’m interested in. That tells me that there’s growth and *ding* investment potential. People with money – largely white people – look for other white people in order to feel comfortable handing over the dividends. It just is what it is, to me at least. Hell, in China you can rent white people for that very purpose. Basically everybody’s racist. Which kind of makes nobody racist. Riddle that sh*t.

This admission seemed to bother a lot of the folks in the house. And while I get it, I kind of don’t. See, I’m generally more surprised by other people’s surprise that the rules haven’t changed yet. I know we all want to believe in the world as it should be. I have a kid. If there’s one reason to ever hope for the best in people it’s because you don’t want to bring your kids into world that’s worse off than the one you grew up in. However, you have to acknowledge that people are creatures of habit. Especially in a tech world that’s all white and Asian.

Aside: there’s really no way in holy f*ck that Jennifer Lopez would really drive a damn Fiat. Thank you and good night.

One thing that the Indian professor from Duke said was that you have to take that information, as unfair as it sounds, and use it to your advantage. Now, I have no idea how to use it to my advantage, but I’m sure its possible. I guess. But this does beg the question, a few actually. Do we just assume that white people, and say other minorities, don’t really realize they’re being racist and therefore to hear them acknowledge it is what pisses us off?

And if they know that’s the case, that means they can do something about it right? Self-aware people can change f*cked up stuff, right? So if they choose not to, that means that the injustice is not only accepted but condoned. Right? And if they know that we need to use it to our advantage, shouldn’t they just help out in the beginning by not being racist? I realize that last one is asking a lot but I figured I’d throw that log on the fire.

And I think that’s what tends to piss me off about these situations – should I find something to be pissed about – its that the folks who are creating the injustices know that they’re doing it. But nobody wants to rock the boat though for fear of losing, especially in business.

Odd dilemma.

So I bring those questions to you kimosabe (ß—- that’s racist), does open acknowledgement of racism make it worse or is racism just racism no matter how you get there?

And more abstractly, does racism still frustrate you or is its mere presence just something you know exists and therefore you keep it moving? Or is it both?

What say you?

Say you, say me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. WHITE FIRMS LOVE ME aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Rules That I Will Always Follow

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The worst part of this is that taxpayer dollars created that sign.

I was out running the tweets yesterday morning and I came across this post by the homey (and sometimes VSB commenter) SimplyBRenee called “Two ‘Southern’ Rules That I Will Always Follow”. She states that two rules she’ll always follow are that 1) women prepare men’s plates; and 2) Men drive. Check out the post for her reasoning. Git.

Well, I’ll be. I can dig it. I’ve actually been in a home where the men had their plates prepared by women no matter what. Sh*t threw me for a complete loop because I grew up in a home with enough women to make me a feminist and nobody ever made my plate for me. But then I was exposed to this life and I wanted in. Actually, not really, I kind of like making my own plate.

Some of y’alls potato salad looks maaaaaaaaad sketchy. You let somebody else make the plate and they put that sketchy food on it and you have it to eat it, lest you be rude.

By the way, “eat it, lest you be rude” should be part of the 10 Sex Commandments.

Anyway, the homey’s post got me to thinking about traditions or rules that I, myself, personally, I’m just sayingwould always practice.

1. Opening doors for women

I still believe in chivalry and a long time ago we mentioned that holding a door open for a woman is a win-win for everybody because you get to look at her arse. I don’t even remember why I learned to do this, I just do it. Even if I can’t stand you, I’ll still open the door for you. I was just raised right. Random arse observation time: I’ve been noticing a lot lately that many women who have very nice legs have absolutely no hips whatsoever. How does this happen? Why does this happen? Heaven, I need a hug.

2. You don’t touch another person’s car stereo

I can’t tell how perturbed I get when folks get into my vehicle and change the station. I give them the look of 12 midgets pointing tridents at Gulliver on house arrest. My car, my sounds. Honestly, I’ve only seen women do this f*cksh*t and I’m convinced its because women like to test boundaries (and start unnecessary arguments about why they can’t do something) and see the man’s reaction. Don’t get mad at me when I swat your hand you stoolie. I got a homeboy who would pull the most ignantastic music moves in his car. One night, we’re coming from the movies at like 130am, hype on our way to the club and this dude throws on Nina Simone, “Strange Fruit”. This same dude once decided to piss everybody off by playing the instrumental to Bilal’s “Soul Sister” for 2 hours straight on an out of town drive. Oh well, his car, his sounds.

Duly note this: If you’re driving said person’s car, the radio is yours. The city is mine. You belong to the city. WATCH THE THRONE.

3. (back to the eating thing), “Eat it, lest you be rude.”

If you put food on your plate you are responsible for its eating. This has gotten me in more trouble than I can shake a stick at. I’m not one of those people who believes in wasting food. I’m skinny as hell so I understand the starving kid epidemic. When I get food, I eat it. Even if I hate it. Or at the very least I do my absolute best. Okay, that’s a lie. I just make sure that it looks like I ate it by strategically throwing sh*t away inconspicuously. You know the scenes in movies where folks say, “look at that” somebody turns around and then you throw food in another direction? I swear ‘fore God and three white men that I’ve done that multiple times in my life.

4. Men shovel snow

I f*cking HATE shoveling snow. I can’t express to you how much I hate it. I’d rather slam my wang in a door after cartwheeling naked through a pack of Hyenas with Free Gaddhafi tshirts on while driving through an African safari tour in Compton, than shovel snow. But if it snows…boo, I got your sidewalk. If I’m there. If I’m not there, there’s a good chance that I will have cell service interruption. Again, it’s not a pretty picture…I DON’T LIKE DOING IT! (name that reference) I have spent upwards of 5 hours in one day shoveling snow off my car, my boothangs (when I’ve had one), and neighbors cars because I’m a man. I’m Tim Taylor.

5. You don’t smang your man’s girl.

Should be self-explanatory. Apparently it needs reiterating over and over. G-code whoadie.

Alright, those are random rules that I will always follow. What are your random rules that you always follow?

Word to SimplyBRenee.

Oh, and Happy Friday, b*tches.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. NO YELLOW SNOW aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

[***Admin Note: One last reminder that tomorrow night, Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub in Washington, DC, VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. It's free before 11pm, there's an open bar from 10-11pm, and no dress code. Remember, it ain't no fun if the homies can't have none. Doors at 10pm. Party with your folk!***]

Signs You Think #wegotogether

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"How is he gon' take a call from President Obama while he out with me. He must don't realize #wegotogether. And when you go together with me, you don't take calls from other people while I'm around."

Quite obviously the most ethering relationship chasm is the lack of communication. Bedroom wars have been fought. Multiple canisters of Comet have been purchased. Multiple simultaneous relationships have been forged!

Scrrrrrrrrrrrr! Say heffa say what? Oh no he didn’t! How is it possible that lack of communication could cause somebody to be in more than one relationship at the same time?

Glad you asked.

You see,opaque communication can lead people to believe that they are in relationships that they might not actually be in. I believe Earthlings call it, “leading on and delusion.” I’m not sure how you say “leading on” in Russian, but I’m also sure it leads to death over there whereas here, in America (F*ck Yeah!) it leads to hurt feelings, potential misdemeanor property damage, and social media slander. To be clear, it’s never a good idea to lead anybody on. And I think that most of us know when we’re doing it, even if we don’t want to acknowledge it because it would be admitting that perhapswe are at worstbad peopleand at the very least, emotionally lazy. But it’s been done to andby the best of us.

I’m sorry. For 2011. I ain’t apologizing for 2010 though.

Oh and how does that lead to multiple simultaneous relationships? Well it might cause some people to operate like #wegotogether, even if we don’t.

See there are some people whoeschew common sense and traditional rules of boundary, expectation, and decorum because they don’ no dey daddy. Yes, there are just some motherf*ckers who either don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about what’s really going on before they bring the ruckusto your front door. Which, you might happen to be looking out of. Think Twice. Woo woo woo.No Jeffrey Osborne.

So here are a few sure fire ways to determine if you are dealing with somebody that thinks #wegotogether. Or #yougotogether.

But we don’t. Or you don’t.

(These will all be written in first person despite the fact that they’re general ideas.)

1.#youmustthink #wegotegether if we’re texting and I tell you I’m doing something and when I tell you I’m doing something else later, you try to call me out on not being where I said I was.

Not your fight. Not your business how or when I decided to change tasks, vocations, addresses, drawz, or pr0n favorites.

2. #youmustthink #wegotogether if you see me out with somebody that ain’t you and get in your feelings, publicly.

You know, this actually happened to me once. I was with my sister. But because #wedontgotogether she didn’t know my sister was coming in town nor did she know what my sister looked like. My sister likes to give hugsand was hugged all over me (plus she triflin’ and tries to make other women jealous). You know, basketball-wife-in-training type. Ole girl ran up on me like she was MOP and I had jewels on. She should have known the jig was up when I stood there looking at her like she was stuck on stupid, as did everybody else. She wanted my DNA. She got it. DoNotAnswer.

3. #youmustthink #wegotogether if while I’m at your house, your mother calls and you ask me to talk to her. And then SHE proceeds to tell me details about my life.

I’ve always been surprised by how some folks will go hog-f*ckin-wild with their interests to the point of bringing other family members completely into the fold…a month after meeting. Then end up surprised when my momma doesn’t know who they are. Because yes, that happens.

4. #youmustthink #wegotogether if you seriously ask AND expect me to get you a Christimas, Birthday, Easter, St. Patrick’s day, Momma’s retirement, or Valentine’s Day present despite the fact that I spend less timewith you than a daddy doing quadruple life behind bars.

It is indeed trickin’ even if I got it. Gifts are for certified boothangs. Web developers have to get certified. Accountants too. What makes you different?

5. #youmustthink #wegotogether if you think I’m obligated to get you into the club for free cuz my boy is throwing the party.

Ruh-roh. This is how you end up on YouTube. Kirk out in the line? Everybody’s gonna catch that on film. I know it’s a recession. If you can’t afford it, recede yourself home.

Ladies? Fellas? Any other signs out there of wayward souls? Is there a heart in the house tonight?

Stand up.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. LINE ‘EM UP AND KNOCK ‘EM DOWN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3