Category Archives: evil

Now Here’s Some Bad Relationship Advice….

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In my family it’s my cousin James. He means well, but really, his advice is the kind to have you sitting in a jail cell on a Friday night while he’s out with your skittle-flavored vodka and that dime-piece you finagled from Whole Foods, aisle 9.

James is the provider of some of the worst advice ever. For instance, while at a family barbecue when I was 22, James suggested that I should take two shots of Henny followed by two shots of Grand Marnier “because I could handle it”. “Borrowing” my Grandmother’s Crown Vic? All my cousin James. In his mind, Grandma didn’t really use it anyway and it was a shame to have it sitting in the driveway all pristine and getting no real burn. I paid for that one dearly.

That damn Cu’n James.

Have you ever had skittle-flavored vodka? One of my kids god parents introduced me to soaking skittles in vodka. It tastes like Kool-Aid for real.

And speaking of my child, she will be 4 years old on Sunday. Where has the time gone?

Back to the terrible relationship advice. If there’s one thing that everybody has an opinion on, it’s relationships. Hell, our entire blog was founded upon the principles of love, peace, and hair grease. We’ve probably doled out bad advice here on occasion. Though real spit, at the end of the day, nearly all (good) relationship advice can fall into three categories: 1) you should talk to them and not me; 2) treat people like you’d like to be treated; and 3) trust yourself and your instincts.

Oh, and if you feel compelled to have to snoop (no gin and juice) to prove to yourself what you already know, you should probably just walk away and realize your mind has already decided what your heart hopes isn’t true.

Anyway, much like my cousin James, I’ve heard lots of terrible relationship advice over the years…here are some doozies…

1. “We ain’t getting no younger, girl let’s just get married…”

Well, that was from Jagged Edge’s song, “Let’s Get Married”. Which isn’t bad advice to give to your homeboy as long as no women are in earshot. There are just certain pieces of advice that do well with men but women will take as being devoid of though, sensitivity, and compassion. And that’s probably true most of the time. We’re men. We do man sh*t.

2. “Put yourself out there. What’s the worst she can say, ‘no thanks?’”

In theory, this is perfect advice. But you know that beer commercial about superstition and football that says “it’s only weird if it doesn’t work”, yeah. Anybody who has ever put themselves out there and been rejected KNOWS that “no thanks” is never the end of it. There’s always the awkward silences then there’s the pain of realizing you just made yourself look like a fool. Not only does it hurt, but NOW you have to avoid said person for at least a few weeks because no amount of humor is going to make the situation any less embarrassing.

3. “Women may say “no” but they really mean yes. They want you to take it..”

Otherwise known as the rape special.

4. “You should give him a chance, he seems nice and he says he changed…”

It seems like most women have that one homegirl with very little common sense. I could be overexaggerating but I’ve witnessed that exchange in person. More than once. More than twice. It usually doesn’t end well. Optimism is the key to life though and you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, plus two wrongs don’t make a right…and nothing’s wrong as the night I left you guessing…all that jazz….you’ve got the jazz, we’ve got the jazz…..

5. “You should surprise him at his job or house when he least expects you to be there. Men LOVE surprises.”

This shouldn’t be bad advice but it usually only comes from a friend trying to convince somebody who is only dating another person that they should effectively take a chance on setting themselves up and hoping for the best. Plus, men do not love surprises. At all. Trust me.

So what is the worst relationship advice you’ve heard? And what’s the worst relationship advice you’ve followed? It’s Friday. Dish it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONISTS aka MR. UNCLE FATHER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

No Social Media, No Thank You.

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Believe it or not, I still know people who utilize no forms of social media. Now this “people” is a relatively small group of individuals, but they exist. Now because I’ve known those folks for years and years, I trust them.

But let’s say I’m out in these streets – because I’m usually out in these streets doing things that people out in these streets do – and I meet an individual lacking either a Facebook page, a Linkedin profile, Twitter or Instagram, and well, I’m throwing more shade than Oprah in 1995. Hmm…y’all know how people differentiate between Fat Luther and Skinny Luther as to which version made better music, has anybody ever done such a thing with regards to Oprah? I’m guessing no. But that would be a worthy project for a communications major.

Real talk. No R. Kelly.

Back to the lecture at hand. I’m not sure I’d fully trust anybody who attempted to leave no digital footprint short of their email accounts. It just makes me nervous, like you have something to hide. Now, the irony of this is how often people lie on the Internet. So while I don’t trust anybody who has no footprint, I also cannot trust what I see from the majority of folks who do.

Cognitive dissonance, thy name is Panama Jackson.

You know what else makes no sense, despite the fact that we all make so much information readily available, we still get freaked out when we find out people are taking a look at all of it. I remember many moons ago, a young lady I was seeing made it clear that she’d looked thru my FB page and then went thru all of the pictures of my sisters. While this is all completely legal, it seemed creepy and stalkerish. Now, as it turns out, I was more upset that she informed me that she was a stalker as opposed to her actual stalking. Some things you should keep to yourself, but as many of us know, when women are interested in you, they like to gain as much information as possible and in doing so tend to be extremely inquisitive about your life and everything in it. With that inquisitiveness comes a remarkable ability to remember details…while leaving keys in the refrigerator or a purse in the chimney.

I’m not so sure why men aren’t that way. I think when we like a woman we just like her as is, the details aren’t as important. Sure we like to know you aren’t a murderer but we assume that if we’re interested, the details are just extras. Men? We stupid.

Where was I? Oh yes, so despite all of this information being available, I’m leery of people who make it clear that they avail themselves of all accessible forms of social media. Instagram? They know what date you and time you posted that picture. Twitter, they’re reading that like a hawk. Facebook…well shut the front door.

Conversely more, you know what else I don’t quite understand? People with all of this social media sh*t and it’s all padlocked. Now, I get to some degree why its necessary to privatize your information. And for a vast many people, FB and Twitter is a way to communicate with people they’d not likely communicate with, so I suppose it makes sense to some degree. But it does seem like if you’re going to be apart of the community, just do it with open arms. Sure, I’ve had blog posts stolen and pictures jacked and I’m pretty sure…wait for it…

…Brick killed a guy.

(I haven’t done that in a while.)

But I’ve also met some great and terrible people online that my life wouldn’t be the same without; people I’d never have met if I locked myself off from the world. So if I meet you out and all of your sh*t is private, I’m also giving you the Panama Jackson Epic Side-Eye and assuming you’ve got something to hide. Either that or your tremendously boring. There’s no way somebody who is insanely entertaining is locking their profile. If you tell a joke and nobody is there to hear it, is it funny? Methinks not. So if you were interesting, there’s a good chance that your profile would be public so that others could validate your entertainingness. That’s the first commandment of blogging: Thou shalt be narcissistic.

Y’all think I do this for you? No, I do this for me so when I look in the mirror at night I can say, Pretty Petey, you did that. Not coincidentally…

…that’s what she said.

(Are you still reading and wondering what the hell just happened in the past 754 words? Mr. Me Too.)

The point is, even though you can’t trust anybody via social media, you definitely can’t trust anybody who isn’t up on social media. Unless that person still uses any of the following services that may or may not exist: MySpace, AOL, BlackPlanet anything, etc.

So what say you? How do you feel about folks without a social media presence online? Would you date or actively get to know somebody who informed you that they just don’t get down like that (I realize that’s a dumb question when stated like that…on the list of dealbreakers its an odd one…but would it make you suspicious in 2013?)? If you don’t involve yourself, even in Facebook, why not? What’s the 411, hon? You got it goin’ on? Yeah I got it goin’ on.

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. INSTAGRAM THAT SH*T aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

10 Things I Think I Think About Django Unchained, Slavery, Nigger/Nigga, Race, And The Reaction To Django Unchained

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***Although the following post is about Django Unchained, I made sure to make it as spoiler-free as I could. If you do choose to leave comments that could be interpreted as spoilers, please leave spoiler tags before you do so***

1. “War is hell, but that’s not the half of it, because war is also mystery and terror and adventure and courage and discovery and holiness and pity and despair and longing and love. War is nasty; war is fun. War is thrilling; war is drudgery. War makes you a man; war makes you dead.”

This take on the popular “war is hell” cliche is from Tim O’Brien’s The Things They Carried, a semi-autobiographical and metafictional account of the Vietnam War, and one of my three or four favorite books. Basically, something as random, arbitrary, and complicated as being in the middle of a war is too, well, complicated to be reduced down to one adjective.

After reading dozens of historical texts and memoirs, sifting through several documentaries, and watching movies such as Roots and Django Unchanined and Amistad, I think the same type of quote could be made about slavery in the United States. Perhaps different adjectives would be used, but it’s not possible to distill a description of that time down to a single word.

I mean, anyone with a brain and/or a Black grandparent should know that Django is not an exact representation of the antebellum period. But, one historically accurate thing it does show is that the relationships between slaves and slaveowners were complicated as well.

For instance, there’s a 20 minute stretch in the movie where you witness each of the following:

A slave who, with the way she was dressed and with the way she was treated, was clearly (slaveowner) Calvin Candie’s girlfriend.

A slave who, because he attempted to escape, is sentenced to a very brutal death.

A house slave who is clearly the second most powerful person on the entire plantation.

While each were slaves, each character had a completely different relationship with their owner, and each probably had a different personal relationship with the concept of slavery. Shit was just…complicated. While the “girlfriend” and the house slave both had vastly more freedoms than the average slave, neither was actually free. (The situation with the girlfriend was especially bizarre. I mean, yea, she’s his girlfriend—and, from the looks of things, he treated her like a, well, girlfriend—but could she actually say “no?” Isn’t this—sex without consent—rape?)

With that being said, it’s irresponsible to neglect to mention that while certain movies and texts may show that certain slaves may have had a more, for lack of a better term, “benevolent” relationship with their masters, the majority of slaves were not treated with any sort of human kindness or compassion. Maybe it wasn’t “hell,” but for many, it was even worse.

2. I think Django Unchained is quintessential Tarantino. His movies are frequently homages—to spaghetti westerns, blaxploitation flicks, etc,—and mishmashes of different genres, but Django is almost an homage to himself.

Basically, if you like Tarantino movies, you will probably like Django. If you don’t, you probably won’t.

3. I think Django is my fourth-favorite Tarantino movie. (Kill Bill 1 and 2, and Inglorious Basterds would be the others) I didn’t love it—I thought it was a bit too long—but I did like it very much.

4. I think one of the many possible reasons why people who aren’t Tarantino fans aren’t Tarantino fans has to do with the fact that typical Tarantino movies frequently shift tonally in a way that can seem a bit too inappropriate. For instance, if you’re going to see, I don’t know, Precious or something, you go into the movie knowing how to expect to feel. You may laugh at the absurdity of a certain situation, but a scene designed to make you guffaw in a movie like that would just seem out of place.

Tarantino movies don’t follow that same script. And, despite the fact that I am a huge fan of his work, I can see how someone would be put off by a movie that depicts the brutality of slavery in one scene and has a slapstick scene involving the Ku Klux Klan (more on this in a sec) in the same 15 minute span.

5. I didn’t think the Klan scene was that funny. I think you can make a good joke about anything, so me not thinking it was funny had nothing to do with the attempt. It made me chuckle a little, but, I don’t know, it was more The Hangover funny—humor where you’re supposed to laugh at something because it’s supposed to be funny, not because it actually is—than actually funny.

6. I think many (if not most) of the people upset by the ubiquity of nigga and nigger in Django are upset because they feel like they’re supposed to be upset by it, not because the word actually offended them. It reminds me of the conversation surrounding Gywneth Paltrow’s “niggas in Paris” tweet last year. Despite the thousands of articles, blogs, tweets, and status message threads about it—and yes, I was guilty of making a contribution as well—I doubt many of us were actually that mad about it.

It’s almost as if we’re playing “pretend” mad so White people won’t get too comfortable. It’s kind of like how a dad gets pretend mad at a child for peeing in the front yard. He doesn’t want the kid to do again, so he’s appropriately upset and makes sure the kid sees that he is. But, he’s not losing any sleep over it, and probably thinks it’s more funny than anything else.

7. I think I’ve reached a point where hearing “n-word” bothers me more than “nigger” does. (I think Sam Jackson agrees with me)

8. I think one of the most jarring things about Django was seeing slavery in “color.” As I mentioned earlier, whether through Roots or some other movies and/documentaries, most of us have seen that time period on screen in some fashion. But, while Roots (and Amistad) definitely was graphic, there’s a difference between the relatively grainy film used in something made in the 70s (and the documentary-esque feel of Amistad) and the type of picture you get with the high definition cameras used today. Django is, in many ways, the most colorful depiction of slavery any of us have ever seen.

9. I think the movie was a bit tamer than I expected it to be. Rapes and castrations are implied instead of shown, and for all I heard and read about the violence and the brutality, the violence actually seen on screen was so over the top that it bordered on camp.

Now, I’m sure some of those who have seen the movie may disagree about the campyness of the violence, specifically in regards to a scene involving dogs and another scene involving two Mandingos fighting to the death. But, both of those scenes were edited in a way that even though you definitely knew what was happening, you couldn’t really see it. (I wonder if Tarantino intended to do that or if he was instructed to by Miramax.)

Still, there were a few scenes that were particularly hard to watch, and each involved Kerry Washington’s character. Without giving away too much, she’s put through a gauntlet of dignity-erasing horrors that make you want to cringe, cry, and, well, kill.

10. I think a conversation I had a couple weeks ago shows why, despite its flaws and despite the fact that it’s not a completely accurate account of the antebellum period, a movie like Django is necessary. (Well, at least more necessary than unnecessary)

Once a week for the past four or five years, I play basketball at a local high school. It’s a regular group of 20 to 30 guys who vary in age and skill level, and many weeks I’m the only Black guy.

This particular pick up game has been going on for decades, and one of the traditions is that the guys who come gather in the coaches’ office afterwards to kick back and drink beers. (The person who’s supposed to buy the beers revolves every week. And, if you’ve gone too long without bringing a case, you will get clowned and eventually uninvited)

Anyway, Django happened to be one of the topics of conversation during one of these kick back sessions. It stayed superficial for a couple minutes—most of the discussion was just about who had seen the movie and whether they liked it—before seguing into a conversation about Tarantino movies in general.

Admittedly, I was happy that we’d left that subject. As much as I enjoy talking about the type of topics a Django conversation might touch on, I don’t want to have those conversations everywhere and with everyone. And, honestly, part of the reason why I wasn’t looking forward to a deeper Django discussion is that I generally like and enjoy being around those guys, and I didn’t want someone to express an opinion or viewpoint that would make me start to think differently about them. Perhaps that’s “wrong” in some way, but I just didn’t and still don’t see the need in introducing that dynamic there. When it comes to reliably fun pick-up basketball, ignorance is bliss.

A few minutes later, though, Django was brought up again. A guy sitting right next to me on the couch had a few questions about the movie—things he wasn’t particularly sure about—and, well, when else are you going to have the opportunity to ask a very smart Black guy about some of these things?

Now, for a moment I considered doing the “I can’t answer for all Black people” thing with perhaps a little “I’m offended that you’d even ask me that” mixed in. But, his questions (more on that in a sec) let me know he was both genuinely curious and genuinely ignorant, and with that realization came another one:

There are people—millions of people (millions of Americans!)—who literally know nothing about slavery other than it was kind of bad and it ended some time ago. And, while Django isn’t Roots, a movie created by a person as culturally relevant as Tarantino will at least spark conversations that some people would have never had.

One of the questions had to do with Sam Jackson’s character. Basically, he assumed that Jackson’s character wasn’t a slave. I corrected him. And, since he had no concept of the difference between house slaves and field slaves, I gave him a quick explanation.

Now, is it every Black person’s duty to go around educating White people about slavery and race? No. I have many hats but “African-American History Tour Guide” isn’t one of them. At the same time, as frustrating as it is that an educated man would know so little about American history that he’d even conjure that question, asking the question is better than the subject never even crossing his mind.

And, you can never go wrong when educating and/or reminding people that while some of the shit in Django didn’t happen, some—the hot boxes, the branding, the whippings, the rapes, the murders, the sell and purchase of humans, the intentional splittings of families, etc—did.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Deconstructing the Destructive Tendencies of Men Towards Relationships

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We never mean to hurt you. Seriously. We don’t.

We just have no clue what we’re doing. Well, we know what we’re doing, but we have no clue what we’re doing.

Let me back this train up a bit before it gets rolling. Back in March, I was a panelist in the MadameNoire series, Ask A Black Man. In said series, I made a statement that was easy enough to digest at the time but over the course of time I’ve really thought about why it’s true. What I said was this:

“I’m not a bad buy, but I’ve definitely made some bad guy moves.”

I dont remember what this was in response to but I think that’s the case for a significant portion of us menfolks out here. The truth is, most of us aren’t really bad guys intending to lie, cheat, and be the most inconsiderate people ever. To the contrary rather. I’d wager that most guys want to be stand up people and be viewed favorably by everybody they come across. There is definitely a segment of the male populace that couldn’t give any less f*cks if you stole their soul and sold it to Robert Johnson for a bag of skittles. Those individuals do exist.

But again, that’s not the majority. Most of us want to meet nice women, sleep with most of them, but fall in love with one who we can’t wait to settle down with and hear a little person call “mommy”. Some of it is programming, but a lot of it is our natural desire to procreate and have live in protection-free lovin’.

But the line between single and married is a journey full of pratfalls, bad decisions, and regrets. Especially for men. See, most of us well-intentioned individuals, again, have no clue what we’re doing.

Sure we know how to spit a little game and get second and third dates and bed a lot of women. It’s really not that hard if you have even a little bit of personality and talk to you.

Quick side story: A few years ago, an ex-girlfriend of mine who by this point was a good friend of mine (it can happen), was listening to me talk about my various dating situations and a few involving women who just did not f*ck with me anymore. She listened without saying much, save for a few “mmhmms” and “why did you do that? okay” here and there. After about 10 minutes of the convo she said, “P, you know what your problem is, you have no clue what you’re doing. It’s like you want everybody to like you and you don’t want to hurt anybody so you end up pissing more people off in the process. Is the truth that hard? It can’t be. You’re telling it to me. But at some point you have to realize that sometimes you have to let people hate you. But even before you get there, you’ve got to make better decisions upfront and realize that for every one of these small bad decisions you make there’s another person at the end of it wondering what the hell happened and why? But no, you just fly by the seat of your pants and hope it all works out only to ultimately create enemies out of women who would make valuable friends to you if you’d just been straight up in the first place.”

Well, damn. And ouch. Not that I’m sure they’d all be “real” friends in that I do think that once I entered into a relationship, many would just fall off. But her point wasn’t lost on me.

Back to the lecture at hand. When dating or single according to our FB profiles, many guys will entertain the whims of a lot of women. Not just the ones he’s interested in, but also the ones paying him attention. What’s a little convo going to hurt? Nothing. Except we all forget that time means a lot to women. You give a woman you don’t know an hour of time on the phone she will likely view it as time you could have spent doing something else but you chose to spend it with her. Texting good morning everyday? Yeah, dumb move if you’re not feeling her because many women assume that makes them special. It’s nothing to send that text but they don’t know that you’re not going out of your way to think of them. Again, nothing bad buy about it, its just that we don’t view time and/or attention the same way.

So say we’re doing this with muliple women. They don’t know. Why should they? The right hand doesn’t need to know what the left hand is doing. Both men and women subscribe to this ideology. But instead of ever having a conversation about what’s really going on, we just decide to forego it and see where things go. With everybody. And naturally, one tends to stand out above the rest. She’s usually as poison as she can be…you know the rest.

Now none of this is a problem. Until it becomes one. At some point the women are all going to ask you what’s up and you can give them all the same line but this is when bad decisions come into play. See, not wanting to hurt any of them we find little ways to reassure them that we care and that they’re around for a reason. What’s the reason? Who knows. But we never say that. Why would we? The truth might hurt.

That would suck.

We pretend we care about these other women, except we don’t. Or at least not until its too late. All we care about is not hurting them. That’s not caring, that’s selfish. Instead of being straight up with them we hope 2 things happen: 1) that they’ll just go away on their own if we stop talking to or seeing them as much; and 2) that they never end up having to be hurt by being confronted with the half-truths and lies we’ve told. Some if it isn’t even lies. Some of it is delusion on the part of the women. I will always believe this. But that doesn’t absolve me from providing the clarity needed to temper some of that delusion (all of it isn’t going away…let’s be real).

So instead of handling the situations up front and being clear and fair to all the women we may or may not have been dealing with, we just deal with the aftermath. Women aren’t stupid. They realize eventually and they get pissed and upset because two things women hate more than anything are being ignored and not having full information. The third which ties with them both is believing there’s another woman in the picture which fuels the first two.

Now again, even after all of that, none of this intentional. It’s all done out of hopefully not hurting any particular woman. Except, we do more damage this way than we would by being straight up. And we KNOW this.

We KNOW.

That’s the worst part about it. We know better. Most of us know what we’re doing even if we don’t know what we’re doing. It’s not on purpose but the end result is the same. By attempting to be benevolent through selfishness, contempt and animosity unfold. Sure we’ve got a woman who is probably unaware of all of the drama around her because of him (or in rare cases ends up being apart of it…maybe that’s not so rare) and we’ve decided to be true and real with this one, but how many women did we break on that journey?

We’ve all got pasts and men and women have done things that we’re not proud of to people who didn’t deserve it. But most of it could be prevented on the front end. Some of this is just part of the game. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Hearts get broken all of the time. Again, it’s part of the game. And what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But how the hearts get broken is the problem.

You keep trying to play it cool and eventually you turn cold. Hopefully we meet a woman who makes us care enough to straighten up before that. But that doesn’t change the past.

Even if it isn’t on purpose.

You might think that this is a young man problem but there are men of all ages doing this. And women of all ages getting caught up.

If you ever get to a place in life where a sincere apology doesn’t help, you need to re-evalute your life and what made that apology moot. And that assumes you intend to do so. To be fair, there are times when an apology will do more harm than good.

Again, the worst part is that most men going through these things are the good guys. The ones who do care about women and want to get married. But good guys give a damn. And giving a damn means you try not to hurt people. And trying not to hurt people means you don’t be straight up. And not being straight up means you hurt people. And hurting people means you made some bad guy moves.

This is no excuse nor is it a plea to justify the non-sense that many women have dealt with due to many of our issues.

This is my interpretation of the situation.

Damn damn damn James.

Church.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. REALNINJATALKIN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Things Men Have In Their Homes If They Have A Girlfriend

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“Baby, I know I said you could bring your artwork to feel more comfortable. But that picture has to go. It gives me the beegees. And I hear it makes your balls fall off.”

There’s this popular misconception that until women come into our lives our homes are littered with mismatched furniture, magazines, no curtains, and the biggest television our paychecks will allow. Oh and that we don’t have dishes. We have dish. We have exactly one plate, one fork, one knife, one spoon, one machete, and a bunch of Solo cups and paper plates.

We eat Ramen noodles or steak with no vegetables and our refrigerators are filled to the brim with water and condiments. Don’t lie, your fridge is full of Chik-Fil-A BBQ and ketchup packs. Those Chik-Fil-A joints are ingenious. Sometimes I go to Chik-Fil-A just to get ketchup packets.

I AIN’T GOT NO WORRIES.

Well, the other popular misconception is that when men find good women, they clean us up and wipe the sleep out of our eyes and bring their keen decorative abilities and tidiness (ha!) and turn us into GQ Men of the Year. While that rarely ever happens – and a vast majority of you all’s idea of quality decoration means shopping at Ross and only Ross – many women do tend to alter the things that are in our homes. I know dudes who literally never bought a mattress until they got a girlfriend. Air mattress life. Swag.

Real ninja talkin. Shut the f*ck up. Ho.

So here are some things a man will have in house if he has a girlfriend and she spends a significant amount of time there or lives with him.

1. Candles

Chick dig wax. And I ain’t talking about Stax. #BARS But for some odd reason, women love introducing candles into a man’s apartment. Or house. Or trailer. If there’s a commitment, there’s a candle. Trust me. I do think that candles do bring ambiance into the equation, but if we are to assume that most mens home reeks of gym socks and ferrets, then a candle likely won’t make a bit of difference. Though I do appreciate a vanilla scented candle. In fact, I feel like dude start buying candles after they get women in their lives randomly.

2. Inspirational artwork

Women love them some inspirational artwork. I figured I could just type a bunch of inspirational shit using a tweegram with a typewriter font, print it out, and give it out to women as a Christmas gift. Stuff that you’d find in a fortune cookie or Joyce Meyer book. But since many women like inspiration, and many of us have art that leaves much to be desired – posters thumbtacked on the wall do suck – there’s a chance that there will be a framed picture of 50 words or less somewhere in his home.

3. Oddly named ice creams

Basically anything from the Ben & Jerry line. They’ve got some seriously odd named stuff over at B&J.

4. Real hangers

Many of us don’t make the switch from wire hangers to plastic or wood hangers until we…ever. But wire hangers are chick repellent. Like bad credit and Rush Cards.

5. A period kit

You know, the one with the heating pad, Advil/Motrin/Generic Pain Killer, some chocolate something or other, actual pads or tampons or whatever the chick riding the horse with Herpes wears. Basically, anything his girl has ever said she’s needed during her time of the month. Ever.

6. A framed picture of something

It’s likely to be a framed picture of her at some point. But chicks also seem to dig frames. And especially in the home of their boo. Or beau. or TROOOOOJAN MAAAAAAAAAN.

7. “Art”

Women like being comfortable. And one way in which women get comfortable is via the art in their homes that makes them feel like a piece of them exists in said space. That along with…

8. Blankets

When I visit women’s homes there are blankets everywhere. Apparently women get cold a lot. Most dudes don’t have blankets or pillows on couches. A chick will turn your dudecouch into a place to sleep and lay in comfort with a glass of wine and a book that will never get read.

That’ll do pig.

I think I’m making this a pseudo man-week. So what else will a guy have in his house if he has a girlfriend? Ladies, how’d you take over your man’s space (if you did)? Fellas, what happened to your space once you got a girl?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. L’OCCITANNE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3