Notice that it's all men in this picture. White and Black men. All the women stayed home because they didn't trust anybody present.

(And yes, I intentionally spelled “trust” like that. Word to Public Enemy.)

In the past two days, I’ve had some fairly interesting conversations with some women I know about situations that their men might find themselves in. Yesterday’s post was one, but another one came up on Sunday that I found most gripping. Kind of like the defeat of the Packers of Green Bay at the hands of the Giants of New York.

But first, let me start with a simple premise: Women don’t trust men and women don’t trust other women. Women don’t trust anybody.

I’m finding this to be fact. Ask about me.

I find this theory most interesting since men are quick to say that all we have is our balls and our word, but we always believe in our boys. I’m curious what women fall back on? Their ovaries and their hair products? Their thong and their loofa?

Stupid? Probably. Let’s move on.

I’ve never heard a woman say that she trusted her girls beyond the shadow of a doubt. In fact, at least once a day throughout America and probably somewhere in the Carribbean, a chorus of, “I don’t trust that b*tch” can be heard from rooftops, back seats of jeeps, and text messages being read aloud by robotic white women. Seriously, why does anybody use the text to landline function? Creepy. But the message is always the same, and it could be their sister, friend, or stranger; women are quick to say that they “know women”. Apparently women are quick to attempt to get what they want at the hands of some unsuspecting at best or naive at worst man who is not smart enough to fend of the power of the box. Box power if you will. Don’t block the box.

Quick aside here. I’ve always found it troubling when women would tell me that “they know how women are.” It’s pretty much an admission of being universally f*cked up right? Individual women (such as the woman doing the talking) aren’t f*cked up, but the instituation of womanhood is conniving and trifling. It’s like white people and racism. I’m not saying that’s a personal belief, but that’s the implication that comes from so many women with that “I know how women are” comment. And if my woman is a woman, why should I trust her if she’s telling me that her institution is one rife with trife? What makes her so different?

Like it or not, that’s deep sh*t.

So women can’t trust men because we are apparently unable to resist temptation as a species which is why we get married and move to the suburbs. Or Iceland. Brazil is off limits. (Post coming.) Or because we give you all daily reminders of why we aren’t to be trusted via lying, stupidity, or downright ignorance. But women also aren’t to be trusted because women (again, these are words from women) are trifling and if they want something they are going to get it. Or make every attempt to get it, which would of course render the helplessly idiotic man helpless thus resulting in him cheating on his girl with “that b*tch” or at the very least getting caught up in some inappropriate behavior whether he intended it or not. And “that b*tch” could be any woman. She could be a chicks good friend or a total stranger. She could be a liger. Or a pair of Chinese thinking balls.

Point is, when it comes to her man, there’s no woman that she can trust because she desires him so other women must want and desire him as well. And she can’t trust her man because other women want and covet him too and we’re stupid. Unless, of course, she ensures that he doesn’t place himself in sticky situations – like driving in a car to work together, Yugo’s are way more romantic than previously thought by the Commies – since he’s likely to cheat because he’s not to be trusted or not smart enough to say no or overcome his humanity.

Or maybe, he can only be trusted to “be a man.”

So ladies, who in the hell do you actually trust?? You can’t fully trust your man. You definitely can’t trust your girls. Who in the hell do you trust?

Jesus????? Is that it?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

PS: Peep Panama‘s post over at Sister2Sister, “Must he love you more for it to work?” on whether or not a man should love his woman more than she loves him. Interesting take if he does say so himself when he speaks in third person.

PPS: VSB recently teamed up with Coliseum Apparel to do a limited run of VSB branded crewneck sweaters. These joints are dope and I’ve already been rocking them about town. It’s still perfect weather for them as well. #teamVSB. Go on over to Coliseum Apparel’s site to check them out and cop you one! They’re going to go fast!!!!

The patron saint of Black wifedom.

Hi, I’m Panama. I burn sh*t.

Let’s go.

You love to hear the story, again and again, about how 98 percent of women (see that’s some, not all! Generalize deez!) are nearly perfect until some man comes into their lives and ruins them like crack did the hood in the 80s. Or that women would all basically do right, if men would just do right. There’s this causality that assumes that the only reason a woman acts up is because she’s responding to the actions of some man which, of course, causes her to act totally outside of her character since we all know that 98 percent of all women are snowflake-like, Stepford wives with strong opinions and the very models of the modern major general cornerstones of peace and serenity.

Peace of mind. It comes with every piece of the rock. Prudential.

Y’all remember that commercial? Me neither.

When I think of most women I know I hear angels singing.

It’s true.

So I assume we can all or mostly agree, based on conventional wisdom and most conversations that we have that include people of boob and wang, that men suck and are arbiters of all that is wrong in relationships. I don’t truly believe this, but if you do an Ask a Black Woman panel similar to the Ask A Black Man panel that Madame Noire is running I’m fairly certain that 4 out of 5 women (and dentists) would come to similar conclusions. Which leads me to some other questions. But mostly one, which is not plural…

Do all women think that they’d make good wives?

Think on that for a second. I’m trying to figure out if I know a single woman who DOESN’T automatically assume that she’d make a good wife or is ready to be a wife and would be if it wasn’t for us of testosterone. I mean really that’s at the epicenter of the dating quagmire right? Most women are on the quest to be wives and us entitled poon-wranglers won’t get ourselves together long enough to settle down and accept what they already know to be true: that if she is feeling him, then she’s right woman for that particular man. We’re basically slowing down the natural evolution of society by taking our sweet time and damaging women in the process, no?

That’s an interesting concept. I know this young lady – well knew, we haven’t spoken in quite some time – who was going thru it with her man. This mofo just would not do right by any stretch of the imagination and I, like most civic-minded individuals who vote, asked her why she chose to stay with a man who was hellbent on not being what she wanted? Her response was that she had it in her heart that she was both good AND right for him and if he’d just pay attention he’d notice it too. He would realize that she’s the wife he needs in order to be the best man he could be.

Real talk, I’ve never been one of those folks who truly believe the “I know you better than you know yourself” ideology that some folks trumpet. I’ve had somebody tell me that right before I hit her with the hee that caused her to rethink that idea. But I actually think its ridiculous to be so sure that you are the right person for somebody else if that person doesn’t view you in that light. How can you be right for somebody if they don’t feel that way about you? Riddle me that sh*t, Batman.

Back to lecture at hand. I get the impression that because women are waiting for certain menfolks to come to their senses that you all think that these men have the potential to make good husbands at some point, whereas all women ARE or WOULD be good wives, kind of on GP. But I don’t know that any woman has ever had to sit down and wrestle with why. I mean how many of you all have ever been asked why you’d make a good wife? How many of you all have another answer aside from loyalty and commitment? And willing to smang like rabbits at least until you don’t feel like it?

I know women are more or less bred to be nurturers and caretakers. And maybe that’s all it takes. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been a wife. It’s also not my goal. Call me Allllllllmond. But those characteristics are also more important to being a mother than a wife. The two can go hand in hand but being one doesn’t imply the ability to be the other. I talked about that in being a great father but having difficulty being a boyfriend or potential husband.

I’ve rambled.

But here’s the point, women do you think that you are automatically ready to be a wife? And what makes you so sure? Fellas, do you think most (notice I said most, leave Poleina Slidedown out of this) women have the tools to be a good wife and we really are just losing by being too picky and waiting around? Are we ruining these good women out here?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. IZ YOU REDY? aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

As every trace of Mary J. Blige’s ill-conceived Burger King ad disappeared from the universe yesterday, I couldn’t help but think that the Burger King public relations people and lawyers had obviously never seen “8mm.” Why? Well, if they had seen it, they would have undoubtedly remembered Joaquin Phoenix’s infamous line…

“There are some things that you see, and you can’t unsee them. Know what I mean?’

…and, knowing that the image of The Queen of Hip-Hop Soul happily crooning about some crispy chicken wraps will be forever etched into the brains of whoever happened to see the commercial, they wouldn’t have even bothered removing it.

I, like millions of other red-bloodied and (slightly) bougie Americans, will never, ever, ever forget that sight.

Yet, while it’s easy to understand why Burger King would want Mary J to help promote their chicken, it’s not so easy to get why she’d agree to do it.

I (obviously) don’t know Mary J. Blige, and don’t pretend to be able to read her mind, but I did come up with six possible reasons why she thought this was a good idea.

1. The gas is too damn high 

Shit, the four dollars a gallon is killing my pockets right now, and I only have one car and only fill it up with the cheapest, Fisher-Price ass gas I can find. I can’t imagine what it must cost to fill up Bugattis, Maybachs, and private helicopters and shit everyday, so perhaps the cash she got for signing off on this ad went straight into her tanks.

2. They gave her a “Godfather” offer

Every now and then, I play a game with my parents where we ask each other how much money it would take for one of us to do a ridiculous task. (Example: “For $100,000 cash, would you walk butt naked on the parkway for two miles?”) If the answer is no, you keep going up in cash (“$200,000? No? Ok, how about $500,000 cash, right now?“) until the person finally says yes.

Perhaps Mary J. received a call one night from some BK exec on the other line asking “Ok, will give you $750,000 in one dollar bills to sing a crazy song about our “chicken” for 45 seconds,” and perhaps she just kept saying no until she heard an offer she couldn’t refuse

 ”Ok. We’ll give you five million dollars in quarters, a free camel, and we’ll convince our government friends to allow you to kill one person of your choice within the next 18 months. Deal?”

3. K-Ci is on that shit again

Although they’re no longer together, I’m sure Mary J. still has a soft spot for her troubled ex.   Maybe K-Ci is off the wagon again (or is it “on the wagon?” I always get them confused), and she knows that the only way to calm him down when he gets all cracky is to give him an unlimited supply of Whoppers and crispy chicken wraps. What better way to do that than signing a deal with Burger King?

4. She just really, really, really likes Burger King chicken wraps

Out of all of my theories, this one makes the most sense. Why? Two reasons

A) Companies such as Apple and Nike are so loved by their loyal fans that many of the fans, even celebrities, would promote their products for free. Perhaps Burger King inspires that type of loyalty from Mary J. I mean, she is Black and hood and has cried so many tears in her songs that we know she’s not a stranger to comfort food, so it’s not too far-fetched.

B) True story, out of all the non-chicken centric fast food places that have meats they call “chicken” on their menus, Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” actually tastes the best. Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” completely shits on both Mcdonald’s and Wendy’s meat they call “chicken.” It’s not even close. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

5. She’s f*cking the Burger King

With his bling, his Ross-esque beard, his giant head, and his impeccable sense of style, what woman wouldn’t want one night with the Pink Meat Maven?

6. Rick Santorum slipped her the same batch of evil chicken that Billy Dee Williams was given in “Undercover Brother” so that she’d convince Black America to eat it in bulk, resulting in us turning on Obama, cutting off our facial hair, and allowing George Zimmerman political exile in Liberia. 

Hey, stranger things have happened. 

Despite of all this, there remains the possibility that this commercial was intentionally campy. Burger King’s spots are usually a bit offbeat and winking, and this would be no different. If it was, though, then why the quick removal (and why the “clearance issues” bullshit excuse for the quick removal?) Who knows?

I do know, though, that since I’ve started writing this, I’ve developed a craving for a crispy chicken wrap. Maybe we weren’t able to stop Santorum and his fry cook minions in time. Drats!

Anyway, people of VSB.com, did you see the infamous ad before it was erased forever? What did you think about it? Also, do you have any other theories as to why Mary J. signed off on that deal?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

All I do is win win win! What! You don't want none man God!

This is what I wrote back in 2008 regarding the concept of “chick logic” in a post aptly entitled “Chick Logic (Or Lack Thereof)”:

“The basic tenet of chick logic supposes that women’s actions are warranted and make sense at all times while men are just jackasses who refuse to acknowledge the superior thought process of the woman.

 

Simply, chick logic is what happens when you place a square peg in a round hole and refuse to accept that it just doesn’t fit. Oh yeah, and you keep trying until it does fit because through sheer force and insanity, you’ve created a hole big enough to fit Oprah Winfrey during the fat years. And men just stop fighting because ultimately, we stop caring.”

My favorite commercial out right now is courtesy of AT&T. You’ve seen it. It’s the one where the teenage girl calls her boyfriend to give him the silent treatment because her family signed her up for free mobile to any mobile minutes. So she can call all she wants…to give him the silent treatment…because it doesn’t cost her anything.

Of course, buddy is confused because who in the f*ck calls somebody to tell them that they’re not talking to them (I’ll save you there, the answer is women). The coup de grace occurs when buddy boy alerts her to her mistake with, “I don’t think you understand how the silent treatment works…”

ONLY to be met by silence. As we flash back over to the young girl we get to witness the victory in her face as she has indeed, illustrated to him, how the silent treatment works.

Vindication. Absolute f*cking vindication.

Man do I love that commercial. For many reasons, but one specific reason: it is the perfect encapsulation of #chicklogic.

Can we be real for a minute? Thank you. Is there a person alive, male or female, who CAN’T picture a woman doing this? Sure she’s a teenage girl, but I can picture WOMEN doing this…and feeling absolutely vindicated that she has indeed executed the silent treatment…even though she called to tell him she was doing it. The premise of chick logic has nothing to do with how you get there, it’s how you end up.

I pointed out to a boobed friend of mine that I could see her pulling that off and she fell out laughing. Granted, she never outright admitted that she would, but her laugh indicated to me that she definitely understood where ole girl was coming from.

Sidenote: That’s very similar to people coming to blogs to inform bloggers that they will not read their site anymore. Really? Word, doggysnacks? So? We don’t believe you you need more people. And also, who hurt you? Take your ball and go home.

I’m not saying that all women would do this. Or that even a majority of women. But I do think that every woman watching that commercial felt where that chick was coming from AND felt like she won. Forget the ridiculousness involved. At the end of the day, a chick who’s peeved will go to great lengths to gain the upper hand. Even if it means resorting to petty antics. If I had to guess what he did, it would be that he broke up with her to date somebody hotter who puts out. [Management Note: VSB does not condone underage smanging. Thank you.] There’s no rationale in her actions. But she had to do SOMETHING, so she did.

Interestingly, it seems like all women have a strong desire to say SOMETHING (or not say something) to the person who wronged them because women are apparently as competitive as men. F*ck winning, women will not lose. I respect it. But here’s a question I have for the masses. Generalization alert: Almost EVERY women I know has let me know that when a man has done them dirty, at some point, said man has called them back either attempting to get back with them or to acknowledge his wrongdoings. Now, I don’t believe this. But women swear by this. Even here on VSB we’ve been regaled with tales of guilt-ridden men attempting to exorcise their relationship demons.

Fellas, have you ever called a woman to apologize? Let’s make a social experiment out of this.

Moving on, is this commercial not a perfect example of chick logic? Ladies, does her behavior make sense to you? Is that something you could reasonably see yourself doing and justifying? Mi fellas…

…can you feel me????

Chick logic is real.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HANG UP THE PHONE HOMEY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

*** PSA!! The extended cut of yesterday’s webisode from Ask A Black Man can be found here.****

***More PSA: For more #chicklogic shenanigans, peep Panama’s latest post at Guyspeak entitled: If You Use It As An Excuse, How Come I Can’t Use It As A Reason? ***

Yeah she shouldn't have talked about my mama...but that triple homicide may not have been the best response. Damn shame what they did to that dog.

Here’s a theory I’d like to posit for everybody to stew on:

When men take shots, people laugh and women say “I’ll get you back later!”; when women take shots, awkward silences ensue and it is highly likely that somebody might have to die.

Think about that for a minute.

See, it’s not that women who take shots are truly trying to hurt the men they’re dealing with. Actually, that’s not true at all. The women taking shots are usually going for the jugular because a man made a joke at her expense and everybody laughed. He says, “your cooking tasted like cardboard” people laughed and she got in her feelings and then she says, “well at least my mother wasn’t a whore. Like a real one too y’all. This ho determined how many new shoes they’d get for school based on how many blow jobs she’d given. What? Why you lookin at me like that. You know it’s true. Oh, you can’t take a joke when its directed at you? Double standard, hypocritical little d*cked b*tch!”

Yeah, it goes something like that.

It’s not that women aren’t good people. Obviously women are it’s just that men tend to keep jokes at that level. Even if we don’t love our women’s food, we’re still going to eat it because 1) we need to eat to live; and 2) good or bad cook, this is the woman we’re hitching our horse too. Women view certain jokes as an affront to their personage and then attempt to regain leverage…

…by blowing up the entire house. Everything goes from a 2 to a 10 when women decide to enter the Wu-Tang…or fray.

The fact that women always seem to make the biggest public spectacle of their bombshell jokes doesn’t help.

Which means that somebody might have to die. Maybe it’s because when men make jokes nobody takes us serious, but women ALWAYS sound serious when levying a joke that sounds more like a factual allegation. Or just going straight for a man’s most insecure space. Woe is us ladies. Such as?

Well here is a list of jokes that you shouldn’t make to a man lest you want somebody to possibly end up dead.

1. Tiny wang

Not sure why a woman in a relationship would call out her man in public about his wang length, “jokingly” but that’s a definite go to. And we all know how much false pride us menfolks tie to our wangs. Plus a man who’s been accused of having a wee wang is immediately in defend himself mode which means one of three things will happen: 1) he’ll whip it out on the table and say, “see, measure me b*tch”; 2) he’ll say something wildly inappropriate like, “well you weren’t saying that last night while you were choking on it” or “call your girl Trudy, she’ll vouch for me…remember?”; or 3) he’ll get irate, turn over a table and say “f*ck you b*tch” which will then require you to get upset and next thing you know a hockey game breaks out. This has no upside.

2. That he’s broke

Another surefire go to. Women like to hit where it hurts. He knows he’s broke. You couldn’t say that his tie selection was wacksauce? Nope. You said that he’s broke and outline things he can’t afford that you’d want. And of course you mention the tiny things like that KitchenAid mixer…not that $1K Tiffany’s bracelet that you really want. Oh wait, you’re saying that KitchenAid sh*t costs long dough. Oh wait you’re saying that women never ask for cheap sh*t. Well shut my mouth wide open.

3. His mama

This one should be fair game except women notoriously suck at the dozens. Women don’t make innocuous jokes, women say sh*t like, “well that’s why your mama can’t pay her bills and I’ve been paying them sh*ts for two months. Boom kat. What? Why are you looking at me like that? That’s funny, right…*looking towards audience at fully packed Tyler Perry play*? ” Double whammy.

4. Smanging his homeboy

See…as far as we know, women are loyal and tend to not rock the boat if they can help it. So when you jokingly tell us that you smashed the homie, well…it doesn’t sound like a joke. And now we have to go to our boy prepared to murder him. And who wants to do that? Plus with all of the paperwork…the admin work is just a nightmare by itself. No matter how many times you say, “Baby, I’m just playing” you’ve already planted that seed because well, who the f*ck makes a joke like that? Again…women go too f*cking far.

5. That he isn’t a real man

This one is probably the murkiest on this list, but women have a certain way of jokingly emasculating a dude. Of course if he’s got on an apron making cupcakes he’s fair game. However, re-visit the scene from Crash where Thandie Newton got felt up by the cop and Terrance Howard just watched. Let’s say 2 years later you all have moved on, but some random instance occurs and you say to your man, “well your b*tch ass did let me get felt up by a cop because you weren’t man enough to step to him! Ole b*tch n*gga. But you’re the man I chose to love. My mama told me about you. Oh well. Let’s go to Target.” Don’t be mad if your man kills a cop later that day on your behalf. I’m just saying.

So there’s the man list. What say you all? Make sense? What are other things you shouldn’t joke with a man about?

Open sesame.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T SHOOT ME aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

See, according to a recent book by Craig Timberg and Daniel Halpern called “Tinderbox” imperialist douchebags came in the door (we said it before), and took HIV/AIDS from its closely knit community at its point of origin and sent that ho travelling around the world. First Christopher Columbus “discovered” America, then pilgrims handed over blankets of death to unsuspecting non-ticket scalpers (that was f*cked up…Hail To The Redskins), and then random ass slave trader dudes come to the Congo, run into the one mothertrucker who had HIV who had smanged somebody else and next thing you know we’ve created the AIDS epidemic in the early 1900s because the man couldn’t keep it in his pants.

I’m paraphrasing of course, but this recent story – actually a reprint from the book – published in the Washington Post entitled “Colonialism in Africa helped launch the HIV epidemic a century ago” was interesting for so many reasons. Here are some excerpts (in case you miraculously hadn’t heard about this yesterday somehow):

So HIV’s first journey looked something like this: A hunter killed an infected chimp in the southeastern Cameroonian forest, and a simian virus entered his body through a cut during the butchering, mutating into HIV.

This probably had happened many times before, during the centuries when the region had little contact with the outside world. But now thousands of porters — both men and women — were crossing through the area regularly, creating more opportunities for the virus to travel onward to a riverside trading station such as Moloundou.

One of the first victims — whether a hunter, a porter or an ivory collector — gave HIV to a sexual partner. There may have been a small outbreak around the trading station before the virus found its way aboard a steamship headed down the Sangha River.

For this fateful journey south, HIV could have ridden in the body of these first victims, or it could have been somebody infected later: a soldier or a laborer. Or it could have been carried by a woman: a concubine, a trader.

It’s also possible that the virus moved down the river in a series of steps, maybe from Moloundou to Ouesso, then onward to Bolobo on the Congo River itself.

There might even have been a series of infections at trading towns along the entire route downriver. Yet even within these riverside trading posts HIV would have struggled to create anything more than a short-lived, localized outbreak.

Most of this colonial world didn’t have enough potential victims for such a fragile virus to start a major epidemic. HIV is harder to transmit than many other infections. People can have sex hundreds of times without passing the virus on. To spread widely, HIV requires a population large enough to sustain an outbreak and a sexual culture in which people often have more than one partner, creating networks of interaction that propel the virus onward.

To fulfill its grim destiny, HIV needed a kind of place never before seen in Central Africa but one that now was rising in the heart of the region: a big, thriving, hectic place jammed with people and energy, where old rules were cast aside amid the tumult of new commerce.

It needed Kinshasa. It was here, hundreds of miles downriver from Cameroon, that HIV began to grow beyond a mere outbreak. It was here that AIDS grew into an epidemic.

It really is an interesting article. Mostly because much like everything else negative that happens in the world, there’s a plausible link to slavery, imperialism, and colonialism here as well. Most people think that HIV made its mark in the 1980s and while its true that’s where mankind collectively began to notice it, apparently HIV was traversing the Central African plains for decades.

Anyway, I don’t have much else to add here aside from the fact that you can probably now say that if something’s wrong, it’s probably white people’s fault. And no, not individual white people…but the institution of whiteness. That institution that refuses to move off the sidewalk when I’m walking towards it. Or just move out the way.

I wanted to share this article for those who hadn’t seen it. What do you think? Is it surprising? More of the same? Or Does it even matter?

Personally, my only thought was one of, “that sounds about right”. And for some reason, that disappointed me. I shall delve into that.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GO THE F*CK BACK TO AFRICA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

"You sure you don't want some Kool-Aid? I'll even get you some ice. And a pickle."

We’ve all been there before.

Girl invites boy over for movies, lukewarm purple Kool-Aid, and the unspoken assertion that, unless Boy shows up smelling like pickles or dressed like Chris Brown, Boy and Girl are going to have sex that night. Boy manages not to mess things up, and, lo and behold, the night ends with Boy and Girl making the beast with two backs. Boy and Girl have had sex with each other before, so this is no big deal. But, for whatever reason, sex seems to be a bit more intense tonight. The “mac and cheese” sound¹ is in full effect as moans are a little louder, growls are a little deeper, and the concept of time is a complete non-motherf*cking factor. Boy has a laser beam-like focus on Girl’s various spots, making Girl speak languages that have been dead for five centuries. When Girl eventually climaxes, the earth will shake, the moon will blush, and the ghosts of Ikea will place a phantom order to replace Girl’s soon to be broken bed. Girl enthusiastically lets Boy know that she’s 32 to 47 seconds away from orgasm, a statement that excites Boy and forces him hit spots with even more precision. Unfortunately, Boy becomes a bit too excited, and Boy climaxes right when Girl has hit the 5 to 8 second mark. Boy, realizing Girl’s thisclose to a cop calling orgasm, tries to finish the job, but isn’t erect enough to hit Girl’s spots anymore. Seconds later, Boy is completely flaccid. Boy rolls over, says “I’m sorry” and offers to get Girl some lukewarm Kool-Aid while Girl lays in bed and wonders if a female judge would acquit her if she happens to kill Boy but tells the judge her reasoning for the murder.

Regardless of age, color, creed, and feelings about Linsanity, every sexually active man reading this has “stopped short” before. We can’t help it. Even though we know that if we can hold off for just 10 more seconds your body will turn hot day fire hydrant, sometimes we’re just unable to stop.

Sure, there are certain ways to prolong things when this happens (i.e.: think about Kurt Cobain, switch positions, scream “Don’t move a gotdamn inch!!!!”, etc), but sometimes things reach a point of no return, and the woman’s near climax will be forever lost to the deep, dark, surprisingly damp, and surprisingly angry space in space where “close, but not quite orgasms” eventually settle.

Anyway, “stopping short” is just one of the many legitimately f*cked up things all men do to women, and here’s four more. 

2. Eat all of your food, and drink each of your beverages

Out of all the things on this list, this one isn’t really our fault. You can’t say things like “Make yourself at home.” and then get pissed when we take you to your word and eat all of your leftover pizza, half of your Cheetos, each of your lettuce wraps, and a full slab of your turkey bacon. 

3. Pretend like we did absolutely nothing to encourage women to continue flirting with us

It’s usually nothing too disrespectful or too egregious. But, despite how much we feign ignorance, we know when women are flirting with us, and we also know that all it takes to dead the flirting is to act indifferent, apathetic, or even occasionally annoyed. Despite this knowledge, we’ll still return the smile or the hug or the lunch invitation or even ever so slightly laugh at her attempt at “Ok, I’m going to say something that’s supposed to be funny. It’s clearly not, though. Let’s see if he takes the bait and laughs” humor.

4. Intentionally give awful dating advice

My favorite is when men suggest that, since it’s the 21st century, chicks need to “woman up” and start approaching guys.

Nevermind the fact that no man in the history of mandom has ever been in a happy and healthy relationship with a woman who approached, bagged, and pursued him. We’re generally lazy motherf*ckers who just enjoy when women put in some of the work…even though these “working” women probably aint ever gonna make it past the 2am Wendy’s drive-thru.

5. Pretend like we’re completely unable to remember birthdays, anniversaries, plans, shopping instructions, and any other information more important to you than it is to us

Admittedly, I probably do this more than anything else on the list. I can tell you exactly what Michael Jordan’s average PPG was in the 86-87 NBA season without googling it (37.1), but if a woman I happen to be seeing asks me to remember to pick up some eggs and celery from the store before I come home, my brain all of a sudden turns Tyga as I’ll faux-try to remember those difficult-ass details so hard that I’ll start drooling; a elaborate subterfuge with a clear and precise goal in mind: She never asks me to do that again

Anyway people of VSB, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. Can you think of any other legitimately f*cked up things all men regularly do to women? Also, fellas, can you think of legitimately sh*tty sh*t that all women do to us?

¹When sex is very good, it sounds like a pot of mac and cheese being mixed with a wooden spoon.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

To PETA, dogs and slaves? Same sh*t.

There are few organizations that I detest more than PETA. For the short bus crowd visiting with us today, PETA stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Now, I’m an animal lover through and through. I like cats and dogs. One of my dogs is actually on my credit card. Yes, you read that properly. My dog is on my credit card.

My mother has geese, the most annoying denizens of the bird world. No Amber Rose. Well, yes Amber Rose, but in this context, no Amber Rose. Real birds. Taylor Gang.

Moving on. Despite my love for animals I recognize one very real truth: animals are not people and do not trump the rights of people. That isn’t to say that I think people should be able to treat animals any type of way. Animals are much like children, especially domesticated ones: defenseless and ultimately looking to humans for food and protection. To that end, I make it a point to always treat animals with the highest of respect. Dipset, b*tch…nahmean? But PETA? Them bastards take stuff too far.

Especially when it comes to the ways in which they choose to get their point across. PETA has this stupid f*cking uncanny ability to equate the plight of animals with the plight of slaves. Yes. PETA thinks that animals and slaves are basically the same sh*t. I remember seven years ago (I wrote an article about it back then…egads I’ve been writing for a long time) when PETA created a display where they hung up pictures of cows and animals who were about to be made into bacon and steak next to pictures of lynched Black people as a way of equating the treatment of animals to a system of Jim Crow and intense racism.

Needless to say, Black folks were upset. Everybody except Cam’ron who I’m fairly sure is and/or was PETA’s public enemy number one after his line about his closet looking like a pet cemetery on the song “Down & Out”. Great song by the way. Oh and why wouldn’t Cam’ron care? Because his computers were to busy ‘putin’ for him to notice.

Hmm…not to be all extra tangentially Black here but is that the first time that a word was abbreviated in such a way that it warranted an apostrophe at the beginning AND end of it? Without it being a kids name? From the hood? Seriously, would you be surprised if you met a kid named ‘Putin’…and those weren’t quotes? After meeting a chick named N”D’Biane at my cousin’s graduation a few years back, I realized anything is possible. Zone 4 stand up.

I’ve lost my point.

Ah yes, the latest in the line of PETA f*ckery and nincompoopery was the motherf*cking LAWSUIT that they filed on behalf of FIVE orca whales who they felt were being held as slaves by Sea World.

Please. Read that again. I’ll wait.

*humming “Down and Out” by Cam’ron*

Luckily the lawsuit was tossed out by a judge who obviously has common sense but was forced to ACTUALLY decide on this case. But the fact that PETA was going to try to run a motherf*cking Thirteenth Amendment okeydoke on the American people on behalf of five whales who didn’t ASK for the lawsuit is beyond me. But there goes PETA again, lumping animal rights into the civil rights debate. The Thirteenth Amendment outlawed slavery OF MOTHERF*CKING PEOPLE and these fools are trying to use it to basically free Willy??????

U.S. District Judge Jeffrey Miller stopped the case from proceeding two days after he became the first judge in U.S. history to listen to arguments in court over the possibility of granting constitutional rights for members of an animal species.

“As `slavery’ and `involuntary servitude’ are uniquely human activities, as those terms have been historically and contemporaneously applied, there is simply no basis to construe the Thirteenth Amendment as applying to non-humans,” Miller wrote in his ruling.

 

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals filed the lawsuit in October and named five whales as plaintiffs. PETA says the wild-captured orcas are enslaved by SeaWorld because they are held in concrete tanks against their will and forced to perform in shows at its parks in San Diego and Orlando, Fla.

Make her colored and we're in business.

I saw The Vow. It was a lot like seeing the signs, except Ace of Base left me and all I got was Swedish meatballs.

*rimshot*

How and why I ended up sawing The Vow is unimportant, just know that I did and I may never forgive myself. Any movie being billed as the 2012 version of The Notebook is already starting in the lower rungs of hell so it was no easy convincing to get me to go. But I went, I saw, I conquered. We are Sparta and all that jazz. And it turns out that it wasn’t a bad movie. Overyly sappy? (America) F*ck yeah. But that’s to be expected. But it had some very real moments too; moments that I could totally relate to. And ironically the very thing I HATED about another romantic comedy (The Vow is not a comedy) is the very thing I appreciated about this one. Eh, go figure.

But that’s neither here nor there. While I was sitting in the movie theater waiting for the movie to start I noticed a cadre of men being dragged by various women and all of them looked uncomfortable…as did I. See, no man wants to see this movie. Well, most men don’t want to see it anyway. But see it they did because somebody of the boob either forced them, won a date via a bet, or lied and said they were going to see Safe House and pulled the ole switcheroo.

Look, any man will tell you and we all know that watching chick flicks is just the price of doing business. You start dating a woman and at some point you will be required to sit and watch some sh*t you’d always hoped you’d never watch. Like the entire lineup of Bravo. Or WEtv. Or anything on Lifetime. And I do mean anything on that network.

Moving on.

Here’s the funny sh*t about men and chick flicks: we don’t hate them as much as we claim. We just hate the ones that try to manipulate our feelings and draw out emotions and sh*t in crowded, public places. That? Is not cool. That’s how ninjas get robbed. And that is not gangsta. We have to protect our women after watching some movie that drew tears that other people may have seen? Maaaaan, listen. That’s not gully son. Men cry in prison and in the dark. That’s the real spit.

So I’ve compiled a quick primer for men out there on how to watch a chick flick and maintain your gangsta.

1. If you feel emotions rising up in you, kick the chair in front of you…or go to the bathroom

The only thing really ungangsta about chick flicks is that they make us feel chicky. Or what we presume is chicky. So the best way to undo that drama is to start beef with somebody in the theater…by kicking their seat. This works especially well at a Black theater because you know ninjas are ALWAYS down to squab. Excusing yourself is the more sane and educated route, but nobody loses there. And for ninjadom to prosper, somebody has to stay losing.

2. Laugh at inappropriate times

I remember a looooong time ago in college, me and a group of friends went to see Why Do Fools Fall In Love?, ya know, the movie about the life of Frankie Lymon. Well there’s a scene where Frankie ODs and two chicks I was with BUSTED out laughing. It was then I realized what wusses they were. They were laughing to attempt to mask the fact that they were truly saddened. So as a real G, that’s the way to go.

3. Pretend that you really aren’t getting caught up in the movie

Face it, these movies are meant to get you caught up. At first your not really tuned in until you look down and realize that an hour has passed and you’re totally engrossed in the life of this skinny white chick on screen who just wants some love. That’s all she wants. And your girl just wants you to love it to…which brings us to the ironic next point…

4…pretend you love it

Huh? Explain that Panama.

Will do.

Peace at home my friend. See, if you mock the chick flick, your girl will claim you have no heart, which is probably true…and she dated you anyway. However, acting like you LOVE the movie gets you all types of sensitive man points and since many women believe that if they like a movie it must be a good movie, then your girl will think that you have good taste in movies so when you attempt to throw on that pr0n entitled, “Staying Down Under” she’ll look forward to your movie selection. Or not. Or at least not after that.

Those are 4 ways to enjoy chick flicks if you’re a guy. Fellas, do you have any other tips for watching chick flicks? And ladies here are two questions for you: 1) why do you all want us to like these movies KNOWING that they’re not meant for us know they even exist? and 2) Do the men in your lives seem to like these movies way more than they let on? My mind is telling meeeeeeee…yes.

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. VOW DOWN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

FOR ALL THE DC PEEPS: Come out for a Black History Month panel discussion entitled “Black Identity & Color in Mass Media” hosted by Very Smart Brothas and Urban Cusp on Wednesday, February 22nd, from 6-8pm at The Washington Post (1150 15th Street, NW). The panel will be moderated by Panama Jackson and Rahiel Tesfamariam (Urban Cusp). It should be a great discussion featuring an interesting mix of panelists. It’s FREE and light refreshments will be served for your culinary pleasure. Peep the flyer below.

That rabbit is not happy.

I have no clue how or why women come up with the terms they come up with for the various random instances of affection and attention.

Boo.

Boobear.

Love muffin.

Skeetskeetmookmook.

Cuddle bunny.

It’s no wonder why our kids in the Black community have the most random first names or are named after medical conditions like Rosacea. Or Excema. Or Herpesia. But motherf*cking cuddle bunny takes the cake. I remember the first time a chick used that term while telling me she’d met a guy that she might be willing to make her cuddle bunny. I was like…whaaaaa? Cuddle what? Did you call that ninja a bunny????

Real spit, calling a man a cuddle bunny is another in the long line of male emasculating terms. Just like calling him harmless or weak or limp-d*ck noodle slanger. If a woman were to actively refer to me as a bunny I might be forced to commit a felony just to keep my own esteem up.

But what is a cuddle bunny? Women all know that its the male equivalent of what happens during cuffin’ season. It’s that guy that women call over to…cuddle. Nothing more, nothing less. Sure the possibility for smangage exists. If you put enough air and opportunity between a man and a woman with an attraction for one another, there’s a strong likelihood that the woodpecker will take care of the morning wood, if you know what I mean, heheheheh.

But that’s not the goal. For many women, having a man be willing to just spoon and cuddle shows her that this man views her in such a light where he’s willing to not have sex with her. He actually just wants to be there with her. Holding her. Wrapping her body tight. My my my. And I think we can all agree that’s the highest form of glory for many women. This man values her as a person, not just a piece of meat. And that’s lovely.

Wonderful even.

But I kind of wonder how many men know they’re being cuddle…bunnied? It’s kind of like the infamous term that we all know and love, jumpoff (as was pointed out to me recently). Men turn chicks into jumpoffs all willy nilly. Or something like that. Except I reject that deposit. No pr0n swallow. Actually…yeah. See, any chick who’s been turned into a jumpoff more or less knows it. Short of pure unadulterated delusion, women know when a man wants nothing more than the snappy nappy dugout. Remember, men suck. We disappear. We only call when its that time. Most chicks who are afraid of being jumpedoff ask a million and one questions to ascertain their status pissing us off in the process but hey, we get it.

A cuddle bunny on the other hand…

[...quick aside...did anybody think Jumping The Broom was a good movie? Do you remember that this movie ever came out? Me neither...]

…is a man who’s trying to get in there – and the chick knows this – who is willing to do what it takes to get there. And ye olde women are exploiting that man’s god nature and heart for personal satisfaction and affection.

Disgusting. Just terrible. That poor sap is over here with balls bluer than Cookie Monster on the 27th ring of Saturn but he’s putting in his work because he’s hoping he’ll get to the promised land, which doesn’t just mean smangage, it could also mean relationship. Basically, any man willing to put up with spooning on multiple occasions actually likes the chick. Except she’s likely not decided what she wants from this dude, ya know, aside from the temporary foot warmer he’s become.

Most women will say that by being the cuddle bunny he’s gaining access to a slot…well not a slot per se but a position…well not a position per se…but a connection that a lot of other men either would love to be in or just wouldn’t have a chance to see. He gets to come to her place and lay up next to her and watch a movie…with her. The lucky guy!

*leprechaun heel click*

Except, she hasn’t decided if this will last past her options or her attention span. And she’s calling the motherf*cker a bunny. So dude’s putting in the simp work, being emasculated, and paying for carry out from Pei Wei Express all for the chance to hopefully get some drawz that actually are on 50/50 status. And yes, I know that sex is a privelege and not a right. Woopty woop woopty woop woop.

All I know is that for all the women out there who feel like they get played by men, if you’ve ever had a “cuddle bunny” then you are just as bad and you should get a stern talking too and finger wag. Let the bunny go. Figuratively and metaphorically.

And stop calling men bunnies. It’s not right. It hurts. It might be provocative and it might get the people going. But it just not right…okay! You can’t just leave cuzzin’ Harold in the street to die.

Real talk.

Ladies, do you believe in having a cuddle bunny? Do you think it’s part of a man’s work to show you he’s worth it? And what’s up with the damn “bunny”? Men…how do you feel about being a cuddle bunny? You’re probably one right now and don’t even know it.

Sad.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. CUDDLE DEEZ aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Also, check out Panama’s article at Ebony entitled “Motivation: Daddy’s Little Girl” and Champ’s article, also at Ebony entitled “Don’t Be Like Mike”. Ball so hard.