Category Archives: evil

Can’t Truss It?

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Notice that it's all men in this picture. White and Black men. All the women stayed home because they didn't trust anybody present.

(And yes, I intentionally spelled “trust” like that. Word to Public Enemy.)

In the past two days, I’ve had some fairly interesting conversations with some women I know about situations that their men might find themselves in. Yesterday’s post was one, but another one came up on Sunday that I found most gripping. Kind of like the defeat of the Packers of Green Bay at the hands of the Giants of New York.

But first, let me start with a simple premise: Women don’t trust men and women don’t trust other women. Women don’t trust anybody.

I’m finding this to be fact. Ask about me.

I find this theory most interesting since men are quick to say that all we have is our balls and our word, but we always believe in our boys. I’m curious what women fall back on? Their ovaries and their hair products? Their thong and their loofa?

Stupid? Probably. Let’s move on.

I’ve never heard a woman say that she trusted her girls beyond the shadow of a doubt. In fact, at least once a day throughout America and probably somewhere in the Carribbean, a chorus of, “I don’t trust that b*tch” can be heard from rooftops, back seats of jeeps, and text messages being read aloud by robotic white women. Seriously, why does anybody use the text to landline function? Creepy. But the message is always the same, and it could be their sister, friend, or stranger; women are quick to say that they “know women”. Apparently women are quick to attempt to get what they want at the hands of some unsuspecting at best or naive at worst man who is not smart enough to fend of the power of the box. Box power if you will. Don’t block the box.

Quick aside here. I’ve always found it troubling when women would tell me that “they know how women are.” It’s pretty much an admission of being universally f*cked up right? Individual women (such as the woman doing the talking) aren’t f*cked up, but the instituation of womanhood is conniving and trifling. It’s like white people and racism. I’m not saying that’s a personal belief, but that’s the implication that comes from so many women with that “I know how women are” comment. And if my woman is a woman, why should I trust her if she’s telling me that her institution is one rife with trife? What makes her so different?

Like it or not, that’s deep sh*t.

So women can’t trust men because we are apparently unable to resist temptation as a species which is why we get married and move to the suburbs. Or Iceland. Brazil is off limits. (Post coming.) Or because we give you all daily reminders of why we aren’t to be trusted via lying, stupidity, or downright ignorance. But women also aren’t to be trusted because women (again, these are words from women) are trifling and if they want something they are going to get it. Or make every attempt to get it, which would of course render the helplessly idiotic man helpless thus resulting in him cheating on his girl with “that b*tch” or at the very least getting caught up in some inappropriate behavior whether he intended it or not. And “that b*tch” could be any woman. She could be a chicks good friend or a total stranger. She could be a liger. Or a pair of Chinese thinking balls.

Point is, when it comes to her man, there’s no woman that she can trust because she desires him so other women must want and desire him as well. And she can’t trust her man because other women want and covet him too and we’re stupid. Unless, of course, she ensures that he doesn’t place himself in sticky situations – like driving in a car to work together, Yugo’s are way more romantic than previously thought by the Commies – since he’s likely to cheat because he’s not to be trusted or not smart enough to say no or overcome his humanity.

Or maybe, he can only be trusted to “be a man.”

So ladies, who in the hell do you actually trust?? You can’t fully trust your man. You definitely can’t trust your girls. Who in the hell do you trust?

Jesus????? Is that it?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

PS: Peep Panama‘s post over at Sister2Sister, “Must he love you more for it to work?” on whether or not a man should love his woman more than she loves him. Interesting take if he does say so himself when he speaks in third person.

PPS: VSB recently teamed up with Coliseum Apparel to do a limited run of VSB branded crewneck sweaters. These joints are dope and I’ve already been rocking them about town. It’s still perfect weather for them as well. #teamVSB. Go on over to Coliseum Apparel’s site to check them out and cop you one! They’re going to go fast!!!!

Maybe I Suck, But What Makes You So Sure You’re Wife Material?

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The patron saint of Black wifedom.

Hi, I’m Panama. I burn sh*t.

Let’s go.

You love to hear the story, again and again, about how 98 percent of women (see that’s some, not all! Generalize deez!) are nearly perfect until some man comes into their lives and ruins them like crack did the hood in the 80s. Or that women would all basically do right, if men would just do right. There’s this causality that assumes that the only reason a woman acts up is because she’s responding to the actions of some man which, of course, causes her to act totally outside of her character since we all know that 98 percent of all women are snowflake-like, Stepford wives with strong opinions and the very models of the modern major general cornerstones of peace and serenity.

Peace of mind. It comes with every piece of the rock. Prudential.

Y’all remember that commercial? Me neither.

When I think of most women I know I hear angels singing.

It’s true.

So I assume we can all or mostly agree, based on conventional wisdom and most conversations that we have that include people of boob and wang, that men suck and are arbiters of all that is wrong in relationships. I don’t truly believe this, but if you do an Ask a Black Woman panel similar to the Ask A Black Man panel that Madame Noire is running I’m fairly certain that 4 out of 5 women (and dentists) would come to similar conclusions. Which leads me to some other questions. But mostly one, which is not plural…

Do all women think that they’d make good wives?

Think on that for a second. I’m trying to figure out if I know a single woman who DOESN’T automatically assume that she’d make a good wife or is ready to be a wife and would be if it wasn’t for us of testosterone. I mean really that’s at the epicenter of the dating quagmire right? Most women are on the quest to be wives and us entitled poon-wranglers won’t get ourselves together long enough to settle down and accept what they already know to be true: that if she is feeling him, then she’s right woman for that particular man. We’re basically slowing down the natural evolution of society by taking our sweet time and damaging women in the process, no?

That’s an interesting concept. I know this young lady – well knew, we haven’t spoken in quite some time – who was going thru it with her man. This mofo just would not do right by any stretch of the imagination and I, like most civic-minded individuals who vote, asked her why she chose to stay with a man who was hellbent on not being what she wanted? Her response was that she had it in her heart that she was both good AND right for him and if he’d just pay attention he’d notice it too. He would realize that she’s the wife he needs in order to be the best man he could be.

Real talk, I’ve never been one of those folks who truly believe the “I know you better than you know yourself” ideology that some folks trumpet. I’ve had somebody tell me that right before I hit her with the hee that caused her to rethink that idea. But I actually think its ridiculous to be so sure that you are the right person for somebody else if that person doesn’t view you in that light. How can you be right for somebody if they don’t feel that way about you? Riddle me that sh*t, Batman.

Back to lecture at hand. I get the impression that because women are waiting for certain menfolks to come to their senses that you all think that these men have the potential to make good husbands at some point, whereas all women ARE or WOULD be good wives, kind of on GP. But I don’t know that any woman has ever had to sit down and wrestle with why. I mean how many of you all have ever been asked why you’d make a good wife? How many of you all have another answer aside from loyalty and commitment? And willing to smang like rabbits at least until you don’t feel like it?

I know women are more or less bred to be nurturers and caretakers. And maybe that’s all it takes. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been a wife. It’s also not my goal. Call me Allllllllmond. But those characteristics are also more important to being a mother than a wife. The two can go hand in hand but being one doesn’t imply the ability to be the other. I talked about that in being a great father but having difficulty being a boyfriend or potential husband.

I’ve rambled.

But here’s the point, women do you think that you are automatically ready to be a wife? And what makes you so sure? Fellas, do you think most (notice I said most, leave Poleina Slidedown out of this) women have the tools to be a good wife and we really are just losing by being too picky and waiting around? Are we ruining these good women out here?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. IZ YOU REDY? aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Six Possible Reasons Why Mary J. Blige Thought It Was A Good Idea To Sing About Burger King Chicken

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As every trace of Mary J. Blige’s ill-conceived Burger King ad disappeared from the universe yesterday, I couldn’t help but think that the Burger King public relations people and lawyers had obviously never seen “8mm.” Why? Well, if they had seen it, they would have undoubtedly remembered Joaquin Phoenix’s infamous line…

“There are some things that you see, and you can’t unsee them. Know what I mean?’

…and, knowing that the image of The Queen of Hip-Hop Soul happily crooning about some crispy chicken wraps will be forever etched into the brains of whoever happened to see the commercial, they wouldn’t have even bothered removing it.

I, like millions of other red-bloodied and (slightly) bougie Americans, will never, ever, ever forget that sight.

Yet, while it’s easy to understand why Burger King would want Mary J to help promote their chicken, it’s not so easy to get why she’d agree to do it.

I (obviously) don’t know Mary J. Blige, and don’t pretend to be able to read her mind, but I did come up with six possible reasons why she thought this was a good idea.

1. The gas is too damn high 

Shit, the four dollars a gallon is killing my pockets right now, and I only have one car and only fill it up with the cheapest, Fisher-Price ass gas I can find. I can’t imagine what it must cost to fill up Bugattis, Maybachs, and private helicopters and shit everyday, so perhaps the cash she got for signing off on this ad went straight into her tanks.

2. They gave her a “Godfather” offer

Every now and then, I play a game with my parents where we ask each other how much money it would take for one of us to do a ridiculous task. (Example: “For $100,000 cash, would you walk butt naked on the parkway for two miles?”) If the answer is no, you keep going up in cash (“$200,000? No? Ok, how about $500,000 cash, right now?“) until the person finally says yes.

Perhaps Mary J. received a call one night from some BK exec on the other line asking “Ok, will give you $750,000 in one dollar bills to sing a crazy song about our “chicken” for 45 seconds,” and perhaps she just kept saying no until she heard an offer she couldn’t refuse

 ”Ok. We’ll give you five million dollars in quarters, a free camel, and we’ll convince our government friends to allow you to kill one person of your choice within the next 18 months. Deal?”

3. K-Ci is on that shit again

Although they’re no longer together, I’m sure Mary J. still has a soft spot for her troubled ex.   Maybe K-Ci is off the wagon again (or is it “on the wagon?” I always get them confused), and she knows that the only way to calm him down when he gets all cracky is to give him an unlimited supply of Whoppers and crispy chicken wraps. What better way to do that than signing a deal with Burger King?

4. She just really, really, really likes Burger King chicken wraps

Out of all of my theories, this one makes the most sense. Why? Two reasons

A) Companies such as Apple and Nike are so loved by their loyal fans that many of the fans, even celebrities, would promote their products for free. Perhaps Burger King inspires that type of loyalty from Mary J. I mean, she is Black and hood and has cried so many tears in her songs that we know she’s not a stranger to comfort food, so it’s not too far-fetched.

B) True story, out of all the non-chicken centric fast food places that have meats they call “chicken” on their menus, Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” actually tastes the best. Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” completely shits on both Mcdonald’s and Wendy’s meat they call “chicken.” It’s not even close. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

5. She’s f*cking the Burger King

With his bling, his Ross-esque beard, his giant head, and his impeccable sense of style, what woman wouldn’t want one night with the Pink Meat Maven?

6. Rick Santorum slipped her the same batch of evil chicken that Billy Dee Williams was given in “Undercover Brother” so that she’d convince Black America to eat it in bulk, resulting in us turning on Obama, cutting off our facial hair, and allowing George Zimmerman political exile in Liberia. 

Hey, stranger things have happened. 

Despite of all this, there remains the possibility that this commercial was intentionally campy. Burger King’s spots are usually a bit offbeat and winking, and this would be no different. If it was, though, then why the quick removal (and why the “clearance issues” bullshit excuse for the quick removal?) Who knows?

I do know, though, that since I’ve started writing this, I’ve developed a craving for a crispy chicken wrap. Maybe we weren’t able to stop Santorum and his fry cook minions in time. Drats!

Anyway, people of VSB.com, did you see the infamous ad before it was erased forever? What did you think about it? Also, do you have any other theories as to why Mary J. signed off on that deal?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

The Triumphance of Chick Logic

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All I do is win win win! What! You don't want none man God!

This is what I wrote back in 2008 regarding the concept of “chick logic” in a post aptly entitled “Chick Logic (Or Lack Thereof)”:

“The basic tenet of chick logic supposes that women’s actions are warranted and make sense at all times while men are just jackasses who refuse to acknowledge the superior thought process of the woman.

 

Simply, chick logic is what happens when you place a square peg in a round hole and refuse to accept that it just doesn’t fit. Oh yeah, and you keep trying until it does fit because through sheer force and insanity, you’ve created a hole big enough to fit Oprah Winfrey during the fat years. And men just stop fighting because ultimately, we stop caring.”

My favorite commercial out right now is courtesy of AT&T. You’ve seen it. It’s the one where the teenage girl calls her boyfriend to give him the silent treatment because her family signed her up for free mobile to any mobile minutes. So she can call all she wants…to give him the silent treatment…because it doesn’t cost her anything.

Of course, buddy is confused because who in the f*ck calls somebody to tell them that they’re not talking to them (I’ll save you there, the answer is women). The coup de grace occurs when buddy boy alerts her to her mistake with, “I don’t think you understand how the silent treatment works…”

ONLY to be met by silence. As we flash back over to the young girl we get to witness the victory in her face as she has indeed, illustrated to him, how the silent treatment works.

Vindication. Absolute f*cking vindication.

Man do I love that commercial. For many reasons, but one specific reason: it is the perfect encapsulation of #chicklogic.

Can we be real for a minute? Thank you. Is there a person alive, male or female, who CAN’T picture a woman doing this? Sure she’s a teenage girl, but I can picture WOMEN doing this…and feeling absolutely vindicated that she has indeed executed the silent treatment…even though she called to tell him she was doing it. The premise of chick logic has nothing to do with how you get there, it’s how you end up.

I pointed out to a boobed friend of mine that I could see her pulling that off and she fell out laughing. Granted, she never outright admitted that she would, but her laugh indicated to me that she definitely understood where ole girl was coming from.

Sidenote: That’s very similar to people coming to blogs to inform bloggers that they will not read their site anymore. Really? Word, doggysnacks? So? We don’t believe you you need more people. And also, who hurt you? Take your ball and go home.

I’m not saying that all women would do this. Or that even a majority of women. But I do think that every woman watching that commercial felt where that chick was coming from AND felt like she won. Forget the ridiculousness involved. At the end of the day, a chick who’s peeved will go to great lengths to gain the upper hand. Even if it means resorting to petty antics. If I had to guess what he did, it would be that he broke up with her to date somebody hotter who puts out. [Management Note: VSB does not condone underage smanging. Thank you.] There’s no rationale in her actions. But she had to do SOMETHING, so she did.

Interestingly, it seems like all women have a strong desire to say SOMETHING (or not say something) to the person who wronged them because women are apparently as competitive as men. F*ck winning, women will not lose. I respect it. But here’s a question I have for the masses. Generalization alert: Almost EVERY women I know has let me know that when a man has done them dirty, at some point, said man has called them back either attempting to get back with them or to acknowledge his wrongdoings. Now, I don’t believe this. But women swear by this. Even here on VSB we’ve been regaled with tales of guilt-ridden men attempting to exorcise their relationship demons.

Fellas, have you ever called a woman to apologize? Let’s make a social experiment out of this.

Moving on, is this commercial not a perfect example of chick logic? Ladies, does her behavior make sense to you? Is that something you could reasonably see yourself doing and justifying? Mi fellas…

…can you feel me????

Chick logic is real.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HANG UP THE PHONE HOMEY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

*** PSA!! The extended cut of yesterday’s webisode from Ask A Black Man can be found here.****

***More PSA: For more #chicklogic shenanigans, peep Panama’s latest post at Guyspeak entitled: If You Use It As An Excuse, How Come I Can’t Use It As A Reason? ***

This Is Funny, You’re Laughing And Now Somebody Might Need To Die: Jokes You Should Never Make To A Man

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Yeah she shouldn't have talked about my mama...but that triple homicide may not have been the best response. Damn shame what they did to that dog.

Here’s a theory I’d like to posit for everybody to stew on:

When men take shots, people laugh and women say “I’ll get you back later!”; when women take shots, awkward silences ensue and it is highly likely that somebody might have to die.

Think about that for a minute.

See, it’s not that women who take shots are truly trying to hurt the men they’re dealing with. Actually, that’s not true at all. The women taking shots are usually going for the jugular because a man made a joke at her expense and everybody laughed. He says, “your cooking tasted like cardboard” people laughed and she got in her feelings and then she says, “well at least my mother wasn’t a whore. Like a real one too y’all. This ho determined how many new shoes they’d get for school based on how many blow jobs she’d given. What? Why you lookin at me like that. You know it’s true. Oh, you can’t take a joke when its directed at you? Double standard, hypocritical little d*cked b*tch!”

Yeah, it goes something like that.

It’s not that women aren’t good people. Obviously women are it’s just that men tend to keep jokes at that level. Even if we don’t love our women’s food, we’re still going to eat it because 1) we need to eat to live; and 2) good or bad cook, this is the woman we’re hitching our horse too. Women view certain jokes as an affront to their personage and then attempt to regain leverage…

…by blowing up the entire house. Everything goes from a 2 to a 10 when women decide to enter the Wu-Tang…or fray.

The fact that women always seem to make the biggest public spectacle of their bombshell jokes doesn’t help.

Which means that somebody might have to die. Maybe it’s because when men make jokes nobody takes us serious, but women ALWAYS sound serious when levying a joke that sounds more like a factual allegation. Or just going straight for a man’s most insecure space. Woe is us ladies. Such as?

Well here is a list of jokes that you shouldn’t make to a man lest you want somebody to possibly end up dead.

1. Tiny wang

Not sure why a woman in a relationship would call out her man in public about his wang length, “jokingly” but that’s a definite go to. And we all know how much false pride us menfolks tie to our wangs. Plus a man who’s been accused of having a wee wang is immediately in defend himself mode which means one of three things will happen: 1) he’ll whip it out on the table and say, “see, measure me b*tch”; 2) he’ll say something wildly inappropriate like, “well you weren’t saying that last night while you were choking on it” or “call your girl Trudy, she’ll vouch for me…remember?”; or 3) he’ll get irate, turn over a table and say “f*ck you b*tch” which will then require you to get upset and next thing you know a hockey game breaks out. This has no upside.

2. That he’s broke

Another surefire go to. Women like to hit where it hurts. He knows he’s broke. You couldn’t say that his tie selection was wacksauce? Nope. You said that he’s broke and outline things he can’t afford that you’d want. And of course you mention the tiny things like that KitchenAid mixer…not that $1K Tiffany’s bracelet that you really want. Oh wait, you’re saying that KitchenAid sh*t costs long dough. Oh wait you’re saying that women never ask for cheap sh*t. Well shut my mouth wide open.

3. His mama

This one should be fair game except women notoriously suck at the dozens. Women don’t make innocuous jokes, women say sh*t like, “well that’s why your mama can’t pay her bills and I’ve been paying them sh*ts for two months. Boom kat. What? Why are you looking at me like that? That’s funny, right…*looking towards audience at fully packed Tyler Perry play*? ” Double whammy.

4. Smanging his homeboy

See…as far as we know, women are loyal and tend to not rock the boat if they can help it. So when you jokingly tell us that you smashed the homie, well…it doesn’t sound like a joke. And now we have to go to our boy prepared to murder him. And who wants to do that? Plus with all of the paperwork…the admin work is just a nightmare by itself. No matter how many times you say, “Baby, I’m just playing” you’ve already planted that seed because well, who the f*ck makes a joke like that? Again…women go too f*cking far.

5. That he isn’t a real man

This one is probably the murkiest on this list, but women have a certain way of jokingly emasculating a dude. Of course if he’s got on an apron making cupcakes he’s fair game. However, re-visit the scene from Crash where Thandie Newton got felt up by the cop and Terrance Howard just watched. Let’s say 2 years later you all have moved on, but some random instance occurs and you say to your man, “well your b*tch ass did let me get felt up by a cop because you weren’t man enough to step to him! Ole b*tch n*gga. But you’re the man I chose to love. My mama told me about you. Oh well. Let’s go to Target.” Don’t be mad if your man kills a cop later that day on your behalf. I’m just saying.

So there’s the man list. What say you all? Make sense? What are other things you shouldn’t joke with a man about?

Open sesame.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. DON’T SHOOT ME aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3