A “He Said”/”She Said” Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships

"My girl grillin' me. I got to go. This isn't going to end well."

What happens when you ask a group of women to tell you about some of the worst habits that men from their past have shared in common? They instantly become great writers, historians, and comedians who don’t shy away from exclamation marks and ALL CAPS. Here’s a short list of things guaranteed to drive 99.9% of good women away and how a man might justify doing these things, from two people who have been there (or who at least know someone who has).

1)    Habitually “checking in” and then falling off

Rahiel: His nickname is Mr. Check-in. Why? Because he’s the king of “I’m just checking in.” Rain, sleet, or snow – he’s guaranteed to call, text or email to ask about her day, family, and current affairs (like conflict in the Middle East). But it never amounts to anything (dates, a relationship, meaningful dialogue) besides him soon falling off of the face of the earth. Only to resurface weeks or months later – just in time to “check-in” again. He has seemingly devoted his life to keeping a foot in the door until she finally figures it all out and tells him to “checkout” or simply gives him a taste of his own disappearing act.

Panama: Is it really men’s fault that we like being cordial? In fact, it’s women’s fault for assuming all of those convos are supposed to lead anywhere. Plus, only in a woman’s mind does a man calling to ask sincere questions about how she’s doing and what she’s up to come across as rude and disingenuous. If it was your insurance salesman, you’d be pleased as punch. Your dentist calls every six months, but if we do it, then we’re playing games? I’m calling shenanigans on this one. We “check in” because you crossed our mind – plain and simple. Be glad somebody’s thinking about you instead of being upset that somebody out there in this great big world thought enough to send a simple, “I hope all is well.” I’m convinced that women and bobcats are the only species on the planet who believe that every single action has to lead to something. Live like the honey badger. Besides, you’ll be dead soon enough and nobody will text you then.

2)    Doing the bare minimum

Rahiel: He asks her out on a date, she accepts, and he responds, “So, figure out what you want to do and let me know.” This is what one of my girls had to say about that: “Why do I now have to plan everything?  Wasn’t this date your idea?  I think it says a lot if a man at least puts forth the effort to suggest something you could do on your date OR God forbid actually has everything planned. I think the complete lack of effort is either laziness, lack of leadership ability, or a sign of a self-centered man who does not think he needs to put forth any effort all.” This doesn’t mean that the blueprint has to be laid out, but where’s the initiative? Having ideas in mind and having made efforts to plan things out suggest interest, responsibility, and consideration for others. And those things never go out of style – even if you think chivalry has.

Panama: I totally agree on this one. Any man who won’t put at least a little effort into planning probably isn’t really that into you. I’ve been that guy before and I honestly feel bad about it sometimes. I’m almost sure I owe a few apologies too. But you live and you learn. You know what though? You have to be careful with this one as well – not to read too much into it. Some guys are just chock full of knowledge of random and interesting things to do because they like doing them. Of course, those guys are a win for you. Just remember, you might feel special, but he took a chick hang-gliding yesterday too, boo. But in general, the least a man can do is plan a day or an evening that you’ll spend together unless it’s agreed upon that you’ll just be streaming Netflix movies and ordering take out. Or watching reality television. Or yada yada yada.

3)    Acting like a “sweatbox”

Rahiel: Growing up in DC, there were particular words you never wanted associated with your name. After bamma and hoodrat, sweatbox was high on the list. The term has historically been used to reference a man or woman who excessively admires another individual – to an embarrassing (for all) extent. Somewhat of an unsolicited hype man. Sweatboxes weren’t cool back then, and they’re not cool now. Women may vary in what they deem as an “acceptable sweat level,” but no one (in their right mind) wants to be contacted so much by you that it borders on stalking and begs the question: you don’t have anything better to do in life than worship the ground I walk on? 

Panama: Again, I’m calling shenanigans. This is complete and utter nonsense. And do you know why? You only feel this way about the guys you’re not interested in. If you are feeling him then he can’t call you enough. If you like him he can text you 1,000 times a day and you’ll think each one just shows how much he likes you. You’ll rave to your friends about how much communication you all share. THEN you’ll always be available whenever he’s available. This is only an issue when the dude you aren’t interested in keeps calling you. That dude is a nuisance. That dude doesn’t get the message that you’re not interested. That guy is the “sweatbox”. The guy you like? That guy is thoughtful and charming and can’t seem to get enough of you. That guy treats you like a queen… and worships the ground you walk on and you love it. Miss me with this one.

4)    Talking a good game but never following through

Rahiel: He didn’t enroll in “How to Keep a Woman Happy 101” while in school and therefore doesn’t know that he should never tell her he’s going to do something and not actually do it. To him it’s just a phone call that he neglected to make (for the 100^th time nonetheless), but to her it’s an epic failure and betrayal. Why? Because if she can’t take his words to the bank and trust that she’ll get a return on them, then they’ll quickly become null and void to her.  And we all know that if you’ve lost a woman’s trust, you’ve ultimately committed relationship suicide. One word sums this all up: integrity. One female friend informed me that a lot of her girls have resorted to launching hi-tech investigations on new men that come into their lives.  This entails checking all social media sites,  wedding websites, and the registry lists of popular stores for wedding and/or baby registries. Really? It’s THAT serious now? What ever happened to full disclosure?

Panama: Seems to me like you’re talking about two different things: follow through and honesty. Now yes, they are related, but obviously, some men don’t follow through because they don’t mean it in the first place. Blame the first woman who ever let him off the hook: his mama. Plus he’s probably only saying what he thinks you want to hear and it isn’t worth it to him to follow through because what he wants from you and what he gets are one and the same. No need to do better for you because he isn’t convinced that he can’t do better than you. Now on the honesty side of things, well, we all lie. Or rather we all tell versions of our own truths; women too. Y’all don’t tell men upfront that you’re crazy just like he didn’t tell you that he had a wife. Equal trade off? Nope. But you’ll probably both end up dead in a few months dealing with each other anyway so whoopty do. By the way, while I do understand the desire to do a Google search on anybody you meet, some women take it too far. If you keep trying to find something wrong, you WILL find something wrong. Real talk, what happens in Mexico that ends up in the press, STAYS in Mexico. Oh and miss me on the full disclosure because very few women are going to put their nonsense in the street while expecting the man to let her know everything she needs to move forward. Women are information hoarders without wanting to do the same. Stop it.

***

Ladies? Fellas? What’s your take on those situations? Talk to me.

-VSB P and Rahiel Tesfamariam

Check back tomorrow on Urban Cusp for Part 2 of this series.

Meet Urban Cusp’s founder/editorial director Rahiel. You can follow her on Twitter @RahielT. Follow Urban Cusp at @UrbanCusp and join Urban Cusp’s fan page on Facebook.

If you do this, you are wrong. Stop it. And get some color.

Here’s a simple question for the single masses: if you happened to get into a committed relationship tomorrow, exactly how many people would you have to stop talking to outright because your relationships could be deemed inappropriate?

Take your time. Think on it.

*humming Curtis Mayfield’s “The Makings Of You”*

If I did an actual honest assessment of most of my opposite sex relationships, then there’s a good chance I’d need to drop kick a solid 98 percent of my female friends to the curb. Ya know, should I get into a relationship.

Here’s an even more interesting piece: I don’t even know how half of those relationships got to the inappropriate phase. Or if they’re even really inappropriate. Most of them would probably just bother anybody that I’d be dating. It’s no like all of my friendships are filled with sexting and slumber parties that involve naked twister. In fact, most of them are chock full of conversations that are relevant to life and dating. It’s just that every so often, they can veer into questionable and head right down into “make the preacher blush” territory.

And I think that 99 percent of functioning, datable men have this same problem. Hell, I’ll bet that even men in relationships have this conundrum. Because from what I’ve learned, most women aren’t really that concerned with making an off the cuff remark on occasion. And there aren’t many dudes who are going to check that kind of behavior because…well…why? It doesn’t happen frequently and he doesn’t plan on digging deeper into its origins or meanings so…live and let live.

Here’s another thing to wonder about: I’m almost sure that women would be on a seek and destroy mission when it came to those relationships they didn’t feel were appropriate now that their man has a woman. But I can’t honestly ever remember caring really that my girls had single male friends. Maybe its the assumption that all men are dogs and need to have the temptation removed for them. Kind of like the idea that women don’t trust other women when its the man’s actions that would be the problem. Twiddle dee dum.

And maybe its the idea that men are so self-centered that we’d never really suspect our women of stepping out on us anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I’m not much of a jealous guy anyway so maybe I’m projecting here. Cinema.

I’ve lost my point.

So if men have these inappropriate relationships with beaucoup women, do these same women deem their own relationships inappropriate or do they feel that because they can manage them it doesn’t matter. Can they really manage them? Or does it not matter because women get tunnel vision once they’re in relationships and through attrition get rid of all of their friends anyway leaving only their man to be their homey/lover/friend because R. Kelly created the term on a lonely night when all the kids were at Christmas pageants?

Hell, what do women deem inappropriate within the confines of a “friendship” anyway? I know what constitutes inappropriate but I don’t mind it at all. And if a tree falls in the forest and a badly written essay about what a white man would do if he were a Black child is the only thing around to hear it, does the essay even matter? Lauryn teaches me that nothing even matters, at all.

I asked a lot of questions. Mostly because I’m curious after looking at my own life and having a conversation or two with male and female friends of mine. And it hurt a little that I’d have to get kicked to the curb. But it makes sense. You make one too many “what you can do with that boob” jokes and next thing you know the new beau ain’t really feeling you dun son.

So I ask you, VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship? And if you are in a relationship, do you have any that could be deemed questionable if your boo thang found out? If so, why maintain them?

Holler at me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka YUNG P DA FLY THIEF aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

For the DC massive: If you’re looking for a good deed to do this Christmas season, consider heading out to support Karaoke for a Cause on Thursday, 12/15 from 6-10pm at Liv Nightclub (11th and U, NW). You can bring a toy or a $20 donation for Southeast White House as one of VSB’s own commenters, Crystal Marie of awordorthree.com is helping put on the event. This is not a VSB event, but it is something that all VSB/VSS can get behind because its intended to help the less fortunate out. And if you can’t make it but would like to donate, click here.

I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway.

Here at VSB, we aim to provide as much help as we can. And most, if not all of it, is intended to bring peace on Earth and goodwill towards men (or women). It is Christmas time after all. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling all Trans-Siberian orchestrated.

Canons to the…nevermind.

Ahem.

Despite all of the salvation, all help doesn’t have to be of the warm and fluffy variety. Sometimes you need help getting out of bad situations where nobody wins, except for the person who gets out of the situation (it makes sense if don’t think about it). But here’s the thing, NOBODY likes being the bad guy. Sometimes, for better or worse, you have to create an opportunity where one doesn’t exist.

Nothing sucks more than being stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in. So here are some ways to get out of one without having to be the bad guy/gal; created opportunities, if you will.

1. Say “I love you” too soon

Nothing pushes people away faster than being TOO far along in your feelings in a relatively short amount of time. So yes, this only works within the first few months of dating. But say you realize that you’re not really feeling the Becky you’re dating. Or say Jamal is just a little bit more needy than you like, but its clear that you’re both “into” one another but not attached enough to cry if you all “broke up”. Just say you love them during a deep convo and I’ll bet you see more backpedaling and “I’m busy” texts than Herman Cain being asked if there was a white woman he didn’t smang.

By the way, this ONLY works with rational people. Know your audience.

2. Move

Not move across the city; no, move states. Skip town. But let them know that you have to leave and that you can’t fathom the idea of a long distance relationship and you want them to be free because you care about them enough to not want to trap them into frustration. Wow, that’s actually a pretty good line. Use it. And then just use me up.

3. Become extremely needy and clingy (cousin to “I love you”)

We’re talking stage-5 clinger here too. Once again, this generally only works on emotionally stable people. Everybody loves space, even married people. If you can’t take being with your guy/gal anymore and need a quick out for which they do the kicking…literally become their shadow. Always want to be where they are or where they’re going. Don’t do anything too stalkerish or crazy because then you might end up on a website (hey Mike, welcome to VSB) or the local news. Do just enough to be needy, but not enough for them to really be able to talk to others about you in a way where people say you’re crazy. Do you know why? Because he/she probably has hot friends who might make for great rebounds.

4. Start doing whatever it is that they hate

They hate a certain cologne? Start wearing it and then refuse to change for them. They hate that you are a flirt? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I mean, keep flirting. Give them a reason to kick you to the curb. But once again, only do so much as to be a problem, don’t actually do anything wrong. Karma is a cold-hearted b*tch. The key here is consistency. You can’t let up. You’ve got to become annoying while maintaining your charm in case you meet somebody while you’re out annoying your significant other.

5. Talk about your future together, but keep contrasting it with their hopes

They don’t want children? So sad because you want at least four. The Walton’s were your model family and you’d like to keep tradition alive. They want to live in the suburbs? Not you kicko, it’s all 1 bedroom condos and alley-view love. They want to start a business and get rich? F*ck that, you’re about Occupy somebody’s street as soon as you get off work. Basically, your goal here is to make them realize there’s no plausible future with you. It works.

Now, since you know I’d walk a thousand miles so I could just see you, I’m curious as to what other ways might be plausible to help push along a breakup without being the bad guy? While it is indeed cuffing season right now, some people are out there making BAD decisions on who they mess with. Let’s do a service towards that goodwill towards mankind.

Help your friends out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GETGULLY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

You see, my pal Mike, cannot take a hint. He does, however, have a LOT of time on his hands and a lot of issues he needs to resolve. He exists so that we may learn what being as emo as possible really looks like. Take heed, fellas, this is EXACTLY what you shouldn’t ever do if you don’t get what you want. Write a whole post about it? Nope. Just reprint the letter in case you haven’t seen it. Yep. I couldn’t do this justice anyway. VSB, enjoy.

By the way, it’s long. And yes, that’s what she said.

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.
Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future.

As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars.

That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

via Huffington Post.

Ladies, do you want to go on a date with Mike? What a beautiful letter, no?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Look, I know I don't belong here, but until she figures it out, I'M RICH BEEEEYOTCH!

Well, if you had 72 days in your office pool, consider yourself a beast. Or a goon. Or a motherf*ckin’ prophet goblin. As the world discovered yesterday, Kim Kardashian is filing for divorce from her goofy husband-beard combo man of 72 days.

Hey, did you know that the average gestation period for a dog is 58-70 days? A cat is 58-65 days. A wolf is about 68 days. The more you know.

*ding*

Back to Kim and Kris. Nobody thought this marriage was going to last. Hell, I’m sure most of couldn’t quite believe it was happening. Kris Humphries included. And I’m not sure if it was because we were surprised that that ninja pulled Kim K. or because we couldn’t believe that a woman whose entire comeup was due to one wayward sex tape would ever convince a man to marry her. Sure, men fall in love with strippers all the time. But Ray J made her famous. Fan or not, that’s a tough pill to swallow.

Real talk, if I sent them a wedding gift I’d ask for it back. I wonder if all along Kim just wanted to have a wedding and knew that no sane individual with money would actually waste his time wifing her, and she’d never date a regular guy anyway so her chances of ending up married were probably slim, so she said f*ck it and planned the only wedding in history that actually MADE money. Which might be a first given that like it or not, Kim K is a good lookin’ woman. It’s reminiscent of the Lauren London effect. Knowing that she let Lil Wayne knock her up somehow reduced her stock to Netflix status.

Conventionally speaking, the Kardashian sisters teach us some interesting lessons about life. The most banging one, Kim, is the one I think most of us would least like to marry and it has sh*t to do with her. She doesn’t seem to have much personality to speak of anyway but some men could deal with that. But again, she was Willie Jr’s jumpoff and nearly all men think we have more game than Ray J despite the fact that it’s obviously not true. There’s a possible post in there but I’ll hold off on that. Khloe is debateably attractive. And by debateably I mean not very. She’s got a certain half man/half amazing face going on that I’m just not sure I’d ever be comfortable waking up next too. Luckily Lamar Odom doesn’t mind that so much. But yet, she’s the married one…like ACTUALLY married. Kourtney is my favorite and she got knocked up by a white dude. That despite his dbag status is the kind of guy nearly all Black women would love to hang with.

It’s really quite confounding. The Kardashians really are some ninjas.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Kris Humphries not only saw this coming but didn’t give a f*ck either. Again, my guess is that he couldn’t believe it was happening anyway. So he rode that pony until he couldn’t anymore. One day he woke up and was like, “holy sh*t, I’m actually about to marry motherf*ckin’ Kim Kardashian.” So instead of trying to make this farcical wedding work, he just decided to party it up and live good on her dime while the good times rolled. He had no business in that role anyway. And I’m with him on that. I’d be throwing that Kardashian money around, making it typhoon on hoes in Singapore and Tokyo…at the same time. I’d send one of my boys to Tokyo and we’d do a synchronized money drop just because we could. The ignorance would be impressive.

The one thing to note here is that not only is nobody surprised, I’m guessing nobody cares. Not even Kim’s sisters. Not Lamar Odom. Not OJ. He actually just wants freedom. Not a cat in a hat. Not a bat chasing a rat who scats like that like this or like that, and uh. The fact that you could call a wedding off after a mere 72 days means you weren’t every officially into the sh*t to begin with. Short of finding out that your man smanged your mother’s labridoodle while singing “The Saints Go Marching In” and cooking breakfast for your best friend twice removed, there shouldn’t be SO much turmoil that early in that you have to get a divorce. That’s what makes it look even more ridiculous. Even by Hollywood standards that’s too short. At least make it to a year, Kim. Make us believe love did live there at some point. Plus, what a douche. He’s out of a job and his job sucked in the first place. Way to kick a man when he’s down, Kim. You trollop.

Thoughts, if any, on the big news? Are you surprised it lasted only 72 days? What was your original guess for their marriage’s demise? And even more interesting, is Kim K marriage material?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I WOULDN’T MARRY HER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

[***AdminNote: For the DC ninjas, come party this Saturday, November 5, 2011 at Liv Nightclub (2001 11th Street, NW) as VSB brings you another edition of REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything. Free before 11pm ($10 after); open bar from 10-11pm (real talk); and no dress code. Party wit' ya folk. Doors at 10pm.***]

“Three days ago, my husband’s female co-worker called to inform me that she had been sleeping with my husband of two years for the past nine months. As I’m sure you can imagine, this shook my world and led to a lengthy fight. My husband has declared that he did sleep with her but says it was only once nine months ago.”

I came across this quote while going through Dear Prudence’s archives yesterday. The situation itself was unremarkable, and Prudence’s advice was on-point as usual (“Tell him you don’t know who to believe, and you want to contact his supposedly former lover and see if she has evidence that it was no one-night stand. Maybe that will shake out of him a different version of the truth.“), but the topic resonated because it made me think about all the gray associated with cheating.

For instance, I doubt her advice would have been the same if the person asking the question was a girlfriend instead of a wife, and I also strongly doubt that Prudence would have suggested that the wife try to find out the truth if the third party was the wife’s sister instead of the husband’s co-worker.

My point? All cheating isn’t created equal, and it’s about time that someone made a spectrum to accurately gauge which acts of infidelity are worse than others. And, as you probably guessed, that someone is me.

Without further ado, here’s the cheating spectrum.

***Acts of infidelity are listed from “1″ — stop bitching and get over yourself — to “10″ — someone needs to f*cking die***

(The “Annoying, but you need to forget about that shit” zone)

1.0

A lapdance from a stripper

1.7

grinding�on the dance floor

(It may be a surprise to some to see a somewhat innocent dance being considered more infidelity-ish than a man or woman getting their�crotch�bounced on by a naked stripper, but someone dancing on top of you while you’re stuffing dollar bills in her butt crack has a funny way of making things less intimate)

2.0

Public but private lunch (ie: You share a table at Wendy’s with each other) with a very attractive co-worker.

(The “Maybe we need to talk, you f*ckin bastard” �zone)

3.0

Inappropriate�GChat conversations, texts, or emails.

(“Inappropriate“�in this sense is defined as “Anything you’d rather delete than let your significant other see“)

3.7

Talking on the phone after 10pm to any opposite sex friend about anything not business related

4.5

Confiding to a friend of the opposite sex about relationship issues you’re having

(A very underrated act of relationship disrespect that might even be too low on the list)

(The�”You probably should know that I don’t have to break up with you over this, but I could” �zone)

5.0

Drunkenly kissing someone while on vacation

(Upsetting, but far from�unforgivable)�

5.7

Telling a person you’re very attracted to that you’re very attracted to them

(Even if this interest is unactedupon, things like this need to be kept to yourself. Can’t be out there planting seeds like that, because, even if you don’t intend to, it increases the likelihood that you’ll eventually f*ck the plant)

(The�”If you tell your�significant�other about this, you should probably brace yourself because you might get mushed” �zone)

6.0

Drunk vacation sex

(Sh*t happens)

(The�”Unless one of us is rich, hung like a donkey, or looks like Stacey Dash, this sh*t is officially over” �zone)

7.0

Drunken but very passionate kiss between you and someone your significant other personally knows and sees on a regular basis

7.5

Longtime emotional — but non sexual —�intimacy�with a person not your�significant�other

(I have a feeling that most of the women reading this would place it higher on the list)

8.0

Completely lucid one night stand

(The�”Where’s my bleach?” �zone)

8.7

One night stand with a�mutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

9.0

Long-time affair with a stranger

(The�”Prison time actually�doesn’t�seem all that bad” �zone)

10.0

A long-time affair with a mutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

(Not only do people often die in situations like this, but up until like seven years ago, you could legally murder someone over it)

Anyway, people of VSB.com, what are your thoughts about the spectrum? Did you agree with my placements? Also, are there any other acts you’d like to see included? If so, where would you put them?

—The Champ

Girl, I don't want no scrubs either! What's a scrub? Giiiiiirl a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Mmhmm. I know right. No more waterfalls for him. Creep.

Last week, I woke up to a missed phone call from a homegirl of mine. Now, I wake up at 6am and generally go to sleep around midnight. Which means that this call either came in during booty call hours or “something bad happened” hours.

This particular call came in at 506am. Which is “something bad happened” hours. Except I looked at the name on the caller ID and realized two things:

1. She’s not family or apart of my closest immediate circle of friends so she’s likely not calling me about a tragedy.

2. This isn’t somebody I’ve talked to on the phone in quite some time but still considers me a good friend.

I knew immediately that given who it was, she must have had an issue with her boyfriend and it was bad enough to completely disregard all rules of decorum and cause her to call me at 5 motherf*cking AM. One thing I’ve learned about women over time is that when something happens, you all HAVE to speak on it. To somebody. Somebody HAS to listen to it. It can’t stay in your head or you’ll die. Or at least be mostly dead on some Princess Bride steez. The worst part is, when I called her back, she told me that she waited to call me.

Which means that this ninja had been going through a slow death WAITING to call me to talk to me about what had happened with her and her boyfriend and 5am was the point she couldn’t take it anymore. Interestingly, I’m one of them guys that often gets those phone calls from his boobed friends. I can’t tell you how many early morning phone calls I’ve received from homegirls of mine sobbing through the phone. Odd since it’s not like I’m particularly encouraging at 4, 5, or 6am. In fact, I’m usually trying to figure out the best way to get you OFF the phone since, well, the facts of this case aren’t going to change so discussing this at noon won’t really change much.

Guys don’t do this. It’s not that we won’t call our boys to tell him that we broke up, but we definitely ain’t calling the homey at 5am to tell him. We’ll sleep it off and tell the homeys later. See, our after-breakup decorum is different.

So here are some after breakup methods of men and women:

Men -

1) Go the strip club

I don’t know what it is about seeing T & A after a breakup that makes us feel better…EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING. Men are some odd ducks. I got a homeboy who cheated on his girl so much (we all found out later) that going to a strip club was nothing short of ironic.

2) Go the reg’lur club and spend way more money than we should

Guys are escapist in nature. Something bad happens personally, we go straight for temporary distractions. I’ve worked at the club on nights when we had “Freedom Parties” for dudes who just got single. Except the newly-single dude never looked as happy as his boys seemed. Which means his boys were single and he just lost his woman. Menfolks, believe it or not, do not like losing our women.

3) Try to fall into some new tang

If women ever need proof of how easy it is for men to get some stank, the after-breakup-head-clearing-smang is proof. Either there is a union out there of women whose specific job is to be the rebound smangee or sympathy is the best aphrodisiac EVER.

Notice very few of these have anything to do with talking it out. That happens muuuuuuuuch later in manworld. We’re more destructive obviously.

Women -

1) Call somebody immediately after the breakup occurs, even if that means 3am

Anybody ever notice that breakups never happen at convenient hours? It’s always mad late which sucks for the friends of the woman because she’s going to call SOMEBODY (as alluded to before).� Men and women both do this, but women in greater number; a pissed off woman doesn’t care about your inconvenience. You don’t answer the phone at midnight and�she’s gonna call until you do even if that means she has to stay up all night. Word to the wise evil men out there: by not answering the phone when your pissed off girl calls, you are DIRECTLY responsible for ruining somebody else’s evening. Because that scorned woman is GOING to call somebody until somebody answers. She might start calling hospitals. Synagogues. Your mama’s house. Your grandma’s house. Your friend’s houses. If she has actually landline phone numbers…she’ll use those instead of cells. Then you’ll have MORE pissed off people. Just answer the damn phone.

2) Call homegirls together to talk about it, usually in bash-that-man-and-uplift-your-girl situation

Not that there’s anything wrong with this. This party is even better if it includes the “To The Left Mixtape”, a playlist full of uplifting songs for women, by women like “Irreplaceable” “Best Thing I Never Had” “Hit ‘Em Up Style” “Down For My Ni**as” “Marvin’s Room” and in a surprising twist of irony, “Best I Ever Had”. You know, Drake makes theme music for broken up women.

3) Make some dramatic change

Bulldoze a home. Cut her hair. Move to Africa with Nas and T-Boz. Go back to get another PhD in Environmental Justice with a concentration in Lower-Income Communities and Guam. Collect seashells by the seashore then write�a coffee-table book. Start a company.

Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy. While most men do great things in hopes of impressing a woman, I think the only man to do something great because of a break up was Mark Zuckerberg.

Anyway, what are the other different ways that men and women deal with breakups? What were YOUR methods of dealing? Let’s heal today. It’s Monday.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HEALERMAN, PANAMA! aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

VSB Family Note: Whether you all know it or not, we have a lot of talented individuals doing various things frequenting and commenting on VSB. One of those individuals, commenter Eazy, recently released his third album, Moonlighter’s Mindstate, which features the first ever VSB Interlude. Yes, we got a shoutout on somebody’s album. Head on over to his bandcamp page and get the man’s album for free and support the VSB community.

Look at her Jean-Jacque. It's cheaper to keep her AND smang her. Hit her off a couple times and save $12K. It doesn't even have to be good!

We live in an odd world with an odd future. Wolf gang kill them all. Hell, Lil Wayne, an artist that for all intents and purposes is on that Mary J Blige Art plan – you know, needs to be high to produce quality art – just sold a million copies of an album in his first week. For the second time. This in a time when Kanye West and Jay-Z, two of the biggest hip-hop artists, combined project has yet to crack the million sales mark after being on the charts for three weeks.

And yes, I realize that the terms quality and Lil Wayne go together as well as hot and fat chicks, but to each his own and like it or not, Lil Wayne is prone to flashes of brilliance. By the way, I’m totally losing my point.

Ah yes, my point. So we live in an odd world. And in just in case you aren’t sure, our good friends, the Frenchpeople, have decided to make some revolutionary moves in the realm of marriage and divorce. You see, a Frenchman was recently fined and ordered to pay his ex-wife damages…

…for lack of sex in their marriage. Maywage, that bwessed instution.

Basically, buddy didn’t live up to his required duties as a husband in the bedroom and wasn’t laying the wang down enough. And you know what…he had to pay what he owed.

To wit:

You're way more special than my ex! That's why I'm giving you this ring I was gonna give her. #winning

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard an interesting story. I actually didn’t believe it at first because it sounded like SUCH a bad idea that makes complete and total lopsided sense that I’d never think any body (men really) would think to do this.

Until I was informed that there was an episode of Sex And The City that had a similar premise. Well, I’ll be. I never really got into SATC even though I heard it was like the greatest show ever not named The Wire.

Oh, what had happened was?

Right, so what had happened was that the show was about things you are keeping from your spouse and this one fellow called in to the station to confess that his wife’s engagement ring was originally intended for another woman he was engaged to but broke it off with. This ninja used the same engagement ring…twice.

#wheredeydodatat

I couldn’t believe my own two ears except I heard it with them. Honestly, I couldn’t even figure out why I was so taken aback. Perhaps it was the sheer audacity of hope that his wife would never find out (or that he’d ever actually admit that out loud on the off chance that she’d find out). Or maybe because it was actually fairly smart of him. Maybe he couldn’t take it back for some reason or couldn’t sell it anywhere and break close enough to even.

To be clear here (ladies), I think its jacked up to use the same engagement ring twice. I feel like the ring you buy for a woman should be reflective of her specific wants and tastes and is ultimately, supposed to be ‘pacifically for her and her only. To give another woman the ring that was picked out specifically for prior woman just seems wrong.

But also, what if she finds out? There are a few things in life that I think would piss a woman off to the nth degree. Finding out that Lisa Raye is a PhD biomedical engineer would be one of them (she’s not). A TMZ exclusive video of Idris Elba f*cking Eddie Murphy would be another. But learning that your husband gave you the same ring that he gave some other heffa would definitely be at the top of the list of things that might get you stabbed. Its just wrong.

You know what makes it especially wrong? I can’t think of a comparable male equivalent. I mean, we all know that Yeezy taught her how to put those motherf*cking Jimmy Choo’s on. Taught her well in fact. But in terms of something of that high value, both sentimental and emotional that a woman would provide to a man, nothing comes to mind.

Back to the ring. I honestly can’t understand for the life of me what would compel a man to think this is okay. Why he even kept the ring after the first engagement faltered is beyond me. The ring makes no sense as a keepsake or as a memento. Hell, it probably cost him an arm and a leg so I’d be trying to recoup those loses via that ring. Which begs the question over all, who actually keeps sh*t like that after the engagement didn’t work out. Maybe he was just that sure that he’d end up being married at some point.

I know I ain’t keepin’ no ring. I’d take that ho back and get me some golf clubs, a couple prostitutes and a ouija board. But that’s just me.

So after all that, I’m just curious about a few things. Ladies, just how pissed would you be if you found out that your man gave you an engagement ring originally intended for a previous fiance? Is there a male equivalent here? And fellas, would you ever consider doing something like that?

But most importantly…who the hell keeps engagement rings after the engagement ended up like MJ?

MJ gone. Our ninja dead.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. KEEP THAT RING aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

****PS THANKS to everybody who came out to party with Panama Jackson at Liv Nightclub in DC this past Saturday night. The party was INSANE. Good vibes, good music.� Make sure you stay paying attention for more event notices. And that Saturday party…is a monthly. We’re going to do it the first Saturday of every month. Sadatay.****

“Can a comedian not have an understanding of the subject?
Does having failed relationships necessarily mean you can�t give good advice?“

This comment, left by CNotes in yesterday’s “Seven Reasons Why I�m Totally Not Upset About Steve Harvey�s �Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man� Movie”, reiterates a feeling I’ve always had about relationship advice. By trade, a good comedian has to be extremely observant, intellectually curious, relateable, irreverent, and equipped with an above-average helping of common sense. Basically, not only are they�equipped�to at least give decent advice, they’re practically built for it.

But, you know who you should probably never reach out to? Hmm. I’m sure Marc Anthony can tell you.

From “Affleck advised J.Lo on her crumbling marriage”

Although Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck famously called off their engagement and 18-month romance in January 2004, the actor was happy to help as his ex’s 7-year�marriage to Marc Anthony was falling apart.

Guadalupe Lopez, the singer-actress’s mother (and�plus-one at the July 9 BAFTA bash with the royals in Hollywood), sought Affleck’s advice on July 12, multiple sources confirm in the new Us Weekly, out Wednesday. “Guadalupe reached out to Ben over email. She wanted advice for Jennifer,” reveals a source.

Three days after that secret email exchange with Affleck, Lopez and Anthony announced the end of their union in a joint statement.

Now, it’s likely that J-Lo’s marriage would have ended even without Affleck’s help. From what I’ve read, Marc Anthony was an abusive control freak, and, well, the universe and planets and sh*t just wouldn’t have allowed J-Lo to be married to Marc freakin Anthony too much longer.

Still, when making a list of the worst people to possibly get advice about your current relationship from, doesn’t “someone I used to f*ck” have to be at the top? I mean, aside from cheating, I don’t have many unconditional dealbreakers, but I have to say that asking a dude you used to bang for advice on us is close. It doesn’t even matter if dude tells her “Really, you’ll be much happier if you just give him seven blow jobs a day,” the fact that she even thought to ask means that the relationship is practically over already.

Anyway, “a person you used to sleep with” is definitely number one on the list of the five worst people to get relationship advice from. Here’s the rest

2. The person who’s been trying to f*ck you since the series premiere of “Scrubs”

Yeah, I might be going on a limb here, but you’re probably not going to get objective relationship advice from the guy who’s been tagging himself as your heart in all of your Facebook pictures

3. God

I say this as a Christian too, but asking God for advice on your bullsh*t relationship is like renting a Uhaul truck to move a box of Kleenex. I’m sure the big guy has more pressing issues to worry about than whether you should be mad that your new beau jokingly called your thigh a brown sugar cactus.

4. Both of your parents at the same time

It’s weird. Getting advice from Mom and Dad�separately�always seems to work, but their signals somehow get crossed when they’re in the same room and both trying to advise you. It kind of reminds me how the GhostBusters made sure never to cross the streams.�Maybe the force of parental advisement is so strong that it only works when one of them is around

5. The person with the perfect life

This may seem a bit too cynical, but the friend who’s been with his wife since they met each other in 6th grade might be the last person I’d get advice from. I mean, yeah, his relationship life is virtually blemish-less, but this blemishlessness probably makes him unable to relate to us commoners. It’s the same reason why superstar professional athletes usually make terrible coaches and general managers: They’ve been blessed with so much natural talent that it’s hard for them to relate to, assess, and motivate the less gifted.

So keep your perfect life and your perfect wife to yourself, and let me keep getting all my knowledge and life alterting advice from J-Ashy — the crackhead selling toasters and Advil outside of my barbershop.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, did I forget anyone? Can you think of anyone else who definitely should have been on the list?

Also, since J-Lo’s a free agent again, am I the only one who wants her to say “F*ck it” and get back with Diddy just so I could watch the internet Armageddon that would surely follow?

—The Champ

***Check out�“Trash Day and Being the Back-Up Girl” — the latest edition of The Champ’s advice column at Madame Noire***