Category Archives: breaking up

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Am I Really Annoying Him?

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Dear Damon, I was with a man and we have been off and on for the past year and a half, he recently lost his job and somehow that has changed everything between us. When we first met he used to love having debates with me just because we have different opinions and our information was always from different sources. He’s an information junkie but I’m a student. He used to tell me how smart he thinks I am and how he loves that I am so articulate but since losing his job he barely wants to be around me or communicate with me because he says I annoy him. The last time we spoke I asked him if he was still planning to come to my graduation, two hours went by and still no reply from him so I told him he no longer has to give a response I will take it to be a no. This infuriated him and he said it’s things like that that make him not want to talk to me. My question is can someone who truly loves you and want to be with you, which he claims that he does, find you that repulsive to the point where they don’t want to be around you or talk to you, or is something else most likely going on?

Dear Shelia,

Let me share something with you. When I respond to these letters, I usually try to stretch a two or three sentence answer into two or three paragraphs. I employ this tactic for various reasons—to give context to a certain point, to make an analogy so that a point is better understood, to riff about Love and Hip-Hop etc—but overall, the main reasons are to soften the answers and make them more readable. Even if a 300 word long question could be answered in three, I try to shy away from doing that because it seems condescending and (just as importantly) no one wants to read that.

Anyway, I’m bringing this up because I’m struggling to provide an insightful and non-condescending answer your question, because the answer is in the first sentence of your question. He lost his job. He’s obviously upset about this, and the emotional, mental, and financial strain of losing employment has begun to strain the relationship. Honestly, the fact that you haven’t made this connection—and you using hyperbole like “repulsive” to express a point as well as you taking a two hour gap in communication as a sign that he doesn’t want to be with you—shows me that you both might be a bit too young to even be thinking about serious relationships (and also kinda proves his point about you being annoying).

Read more at Madame Noire

The Only Reason Why Relationship Advice Even Exists

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black-man-whispering-woman-ears1

In less than a week, VSB will celebrate its 5th anniversary. As of today, we’ve published 1289 entries, and those entries have received 472,695 comments. And, between the comments, email, Formspring, Madame Noire, Twitter, Facebook, and people recognizing the shirt and chasing me down at bus stops, the number of dating/relationship-related questions I’ve been asked and answered numbers in the thousands.

That’s thousands of questions about men and money and sex and cohabitation and celibacy and intimidation and exes and dating and independence and texting and where to meet people and dating men with ashy elbows from thousands of different people. And, controlling for occasional outliers, I’d say that (at least) 75% of the women asking questions already know the answers before they even ask.

So, why do they continue to ask? Well, the most common question I receive—and the fact that this particular question happens to be the most common question—answers that question.

As I’ve stated numerous times before, I’m not a dating and relationship “expert.” My particular form of “expertise” is just me combining my experience, education, and observations to give the most practical and objective advice I possibly can. That being said, there is one particular sub-subject I—and many other men (and women)—do have a real expertise with:

Random Woman: “Is he into me?”

While it comes in various forms and is constructed various ways, this is the question I hear the most. Unfortunately, after they’ve asked the question, and have volunteered the background info I’ll ask for to give a better assessment, the answer usually is “Sorry, but probably not.” 

Anyone who’s ever been on the receiving end of a “Damn, I guess they don’t like me as much as I hoped” conversation or realization knows how it feels. And, knowing how it feels, giving that answer (usually) is not fun. It’s even less fun when realizing that they already knew the answer before asking.

This sounds delusional, which fits one of the most common stereotypes men have about women and relationships. But, delusion (usually) has nothing to do with it. It—and most of the rest of the questions I receive—is all about hope, hope that manifests in two separate ways:

1. “I know the answer already, but I hope someone agrees with me so I can be more sure about my decision.”

2. “I know the answer already—I can feel it in my gut—but I really don’t want to believe it. Maybe, hopefully he’ll tell me my gut is wrong.”

Much of the pushback people who dole out this type of advice receive is also related to the concept of hope. According to them, people (the advice givers) have positioned themselves to profit off of people’s (primarily women’s) hope by putting a tux and tails on common sense and calling it “genius.” While their concerns about the intelligence/independence level of the people asking questions—and the true motives and agendas of the advice givers—are warranted, this pushback has the tendency to minimize the fact that it’s easy to be objective when you’re not invested. Of course it’s easy to read an email or a tweet and deduce that person A doesn’t like person B as much as person B likes person A, and that person B is an idiot for even asking. But, when you’re person B—and, as mentioned earlier, we’ve all been person B at some time—it aint always as easy.

The variables constituting love and attraction are so intangible and so subjective that a level of hope is necessary to want, pursue, and maintain it. I mean, knowing how love has a tendency to completely and thoroughly f*ck us up, who in their right mind would even want that? Well, we do (Most of us do, anyway). As delusional and idiotic and nonsensical it seems, we hope it’ll be different for us. And, as long as that hope exists, relationship advice—an awkward way of finding some truth in a haystack of hope—will too.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: I Cheated On Him Some Time Ago. Should I Tell Him?

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***The Champ’s latest at Madame Noire includes questions and answers from his weekly Facebook chat***

Jasmine: What is the most reasonable time period in which a woman should receive a proposal from her boyfriend?

DY: I don’t believe in an arbitrary set time for things like that. But, I will say if you’re in your late 20s and above, just “dating” for longer than two years probably isn’t the best look

Nita: Who comes first in your life, your wife or your mother?

DY: Wife. In my opinion, a wife comes before everyone else, including children

Cynthia: Why do today’s men want women to take care of them?

DY: Men, by in large, follow the path of least resistance. Basically, (some) men expect women to take care of them because (some) women are willing to do it.

Shahdae: Is it okay to date more than one guy at a time?!

DY: Of course! Dating is supposed to be when you’re out meeting people and finding out what you like/don’t like and need/don’t need. How are you going to do that if you don’t date multiple people?

Clarissa: If you cheat and know you made a mistake should you tell your man or take it to the grave?

DY: Honestly, it depends on when. If this happened some time ago and he’s unlikely to find out—and you know it won’t happen again—I think you should keep it to yourself. Although it seems “honorable,” letting a person know about something they’d never hear about otherwise—something that would definitely hurt them—would likely be more about you having a clear conscience and feeling better than anything else.

But, if this happened recently, you probably need to tell him because your sexual behavior has put him at risk. He needs to know that. Either way, your first step should be to get tested.

Read more at Madame Noire

Why You Can’t Break Up With A Drunk People

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She ain't remembering sh*t in the morning.

She ain’t remembering sh*t in the morning.

Some many years ago, must have been like 2003 or 2004, I was back home visiting my family. Well, at this point, I had four nieces and nephews all ranging in age from 4 to 18 months. Well, two of the kids got into a toddler pushing match which looked a lot like Rock-Em-Sock-Em, a whole lot of action but nothing even close to an injury.

But I didn’t like it. I went into the belly of the beast, separated them, and gave something similar to one of the prisoner of the mind speeches that AshTrey gave in Don’t Be A Menace…when Keenan would come behind him and say message. It was moving. It was so moving that my audience, both 3 and 4, were speechless. They looked at me with respect and allegiance. At that moment, if I had asked for their loyalty as we traversed the Seven Seas, they would have been down. I’m good at speeches.

Or so I thought.

I finished my attempt at reasoning, along with the requisite, “do you understand? Will you play nicely now?” query. They both nodded yes.

I stood up and began to walk away when the 4-year-old combo’d the 3-year-old in a way that made my little sister (mother to one of the kids) say, “daaaaaaaaaaaamn…P, what’s wrong with you? You really just tried to reason with toddlers? For real??? You just got (insert kid name) knocked the f*ck out.”

We love Friday in my house.

I parallel that story to being pissed at your drunk girlfriend or boyfriend. I’m one of those people prone to not let an argument go. I will fight it out until we’ve fought so long that nobody agrees to disagree (the p*ssy way out) we just change subjects and move on. Nobody gives in, we just pivot.

Point is, there’s no resolution, just continued noise and disagreement. This is like arguing with a drunk person. There was a time in my life where I had a girlfriend whose drunken shenanigans truly pissed me the heave ho off. Every time. So much so that I wanted to give her the heave ho (no asthma). But I realized something, you can’t break up with somebody when they’re drunk. For one, they won’t remember it, so you’ll have to do it again. For b, have you ever actually tried to break up with a drunk person. Drunk people are the most extra people on the planet. Drunk women?

We’re talking Jupiter.

You tell a drunk women that you’re done with her she’ll do one of two things: 1. cry, scream, yell and beg you not to leave her and make a scene for anybody with in a 2 mile-radius; or 2. cry, scream, yell and attempt to embarrass the living f*ck out of you for anybody within your time zone. There’s very little middle ground. Now the problem is that drunkards tend to vacillate between the two which, admittedly, can be confusing. If somebody is begging you not to leave, you tend to try to keep them calm so they’ll hush.

You can also try to leave but drunk people have tremendous foot speed, torque, and agility – something in clear contrast to a drunk person having a regular ole drunk person good night. The point here is that engaging a drunk person in an emotional endeavor is not the move.

Again, you’ll have to rehash the entire convo again the next day anyway, except you’ll be so emotionally spent you likely won’t close the deal unless they boned your best friend (who is hopefully also drunk) or murdered a slew of kapuchin monkeys (or is it monkies?) – because who does that – since well, after you’ve slept it off and they have as well, you’re faced with the person who was unlike the drunk person that stood before you a night before.

If drunk people don’t know any better, and short people can’t reach the moon, then how can you, in good faith, conduct any transaction with a person who can neither reach the moon or know any better?

The main bullet point in this PSA is that you shouldn’t break up with with a drunk person because ultimately you’ll have to go through the motions twice. You can however drop a drunk motherlover off at their house and take their keys. A little light kidnapping and “holding against their will” never hurt anybody.

This has been a PSA brought to you by Panama Jackson Against Breaking Up With Drunk Ninjas Everywhere, or PJABUWDNE. The next day is fair game though. Just wait.

Thank you.

What are other times you just shouldn’t break up with somebody?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MOTHER*CKERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Ask A Very Smart Brotha: Should I Wait For Him To Get His Money Right?

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Recently, a few of my friends have come across the sentiment that men don’t want to even date seriously if they’re not in a certain place financially. Can you explain whether this is really a thing or an excuse to … Continue reading →