***An actual conversation I had with my actual fiancee a couple days ago***
Me: “We need another computer chair.”
Her: “We do?”
Me: “Yeah. The one I use upstairs is hurting my back.” (This is true, btw. My back isn’t at “back problem stage” yet, but it’s definitely holding court a couple stages before you get to “back problem stage.” Basically, if “back problem stage” is Rick Ross, my back right now is Anthony Anderson.)
Her: “Ok. Do you want to buy one now, or when we move?” (This move, btw, may not happen until 2015.)
Me: “You know what? What if we just put one on the registry?”
Her: “I don’t know about that”
Me: “Why not? I mean, a computer chair costs less than the type of appliances and shit people put on them.”
Her: “But…those are for the house.”
Me: “A computer chair isn’t for the house?”
Her: “I mean, if you want to put a chair on it, we can put a chair on it. But a computer chair isn’t a registry-type of gift.”
Me: “Basically, the registry is just for gifts the wife would use more often?”
Her: “I love you.”
Me: “You didn’t answer the question.”
Her: “But I love you. That’s the only gift you’ll need.”
So, if you’re keeping score at home, the wife-to-be gets…
1. A diamond ring (which could run in the tens of thousands of dollars)
2. A wedding shower (with gifts and games)
3. A bachelorette party (with more gifts and games)
4. The majority of the gifts from the registry and the actual wedding
Meanwhile, the husband-to-be gets…
1. Maybe a random ass cheek or boob in his face during a bachelor party
…and, if this stripper happens to be from Cleveland or Baltimore…
Granted, I’m not complaining about this. Plus, I’ve always had a thing for rust belt born strippers. They seem to have more character. But, this gift inequity is a part of the wedding process I wasn’t fully aware of until I actually took part in it. Sure, I’d heard about it and kind of knew about it, but you don’t knowknow what it’s like unless you actually go through it. Basically, “the wedding process” = “getting head while smoking crack.”
Anyway, I’ve been engaged for four months now. In that time, I’ve learned quite a few things, including…
People will invite themselves to your wedding. Often. Like, be prepared for this happening several times a week
***An actual conversation I have with actual people several times a week***
Person: “When is the date?”
Me: “July 19th.”
Person: “Word? I can’t wait, dog. I’ll see you there. Make sure your girl invites some of her single friends.”
Me (in my head) “No you will not see me there. Why? Because you won’t be there. Why won’t you be there? Because I can’t afford to invite people I haven’t seen or talked to in person in four years. Plus, the last time I saw you, I think you stole the lettuce off my junior bacon cheeseburger. I have no proof of it, but all I can think of when I see you is lettuce. And there will be no lettuce at my f*cking wedding.”
What I actually say: “Aiight, man. Word.”
“The wedding” can be your out/excuse for anything
Seriously, “I’m preparing/saving/getting ready for the wedding” is the ultimate “get out of jail free” card. Actually, it’s not even that. It’s a “don’t have to commit to shit I don’t want to do” card.
A party you were invited to but don’t really want to go to? “I’d come, but we’re still working on this invite list. Plus, she wants to go to the candle store. To look at candles. We might be there all night.”
Impending marriage makes you a bit of a hypocrite
If you went back far enough in our archives, you’d find a couple posts where I was very dogmatic about why married couples should have a joint bank account. Very, very dogmatic. This dogma wasn’t false, either. I believed it. So much so that even before my fiancee and I started dating, I matter-of-factually mentioned it to her.
But, when we actually had our first “How are we going to budget/handle money as a married couple?” conversation, my chest literally tightened at the mention of a joint account.
“Wait…wait…what? You want to know exactly how much money I have? “My” money is now going to be “our” money? I…I think I need a drink.”
Making things even worse was the fact that she wasn’t even suggesting or pushing for it. She just brought it up as an option. We have somewhat similar incomes, and I (obviously) trust her, so I know my issue isn’t about her. But just the mention of it made me feel like I accidentally swallowed some wasabi.
I think it’s just that the idea that someone will have access to your everything can be jarring, even if you want to give them that access. Which makes absolutely no sense. Until it does. And then it makes perfect sense.
Basically, it’s just like marriage. (I hope.)
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
Reminder: For the next two weeks, you can purchase your own I Love Bougie Black Girls t-shirt via Teespring for the insanely low prices of $11.50 for a men’s shirt, $13 for a women’s shirt (don’t ask why the women’s shirts are more expensive, because I have no answers)
and $24.50 for a hoodie.
The campaign ends Sunday, March 23. So, if you don’t buy one before then, you, um, won’t have one.
Anywho, they’re available now, so go and BUY!!! and be fly.