Category Archives: attraction

The Half-Assed Romantic Relationship, And More Dumb-Ass Things That Educated People Regularly Do

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Stop frontin

We’ve all heard the story.

Boy meets Girl at annual Delta pie-eating contest boat ride afterparty. Boy’s impressed with Girl’s diction and the barely perceptible gap between her thighs when she stands up. Girl’s, well, Girl’s not annoyed with the way Boy holds his drink. Girl, tired of being the only one in the crew without a spades partner for game night, gives Boy her number. Boy and Girl go on several decent, but completely mundane dates. During the middle of the 8th date, Girl happens to glance at a nearby booth and see a man that looks exactly like Idris Elba. Girl gets so aroused by this that she quickly ends the date, takes Boy back to her place, and finally lets him hit. Since Girl is a decent Delta woman, a Christian, and a mulatto, having sex with Boy means that Boy is now her boyfriend. Boy agrees because, well, they’re having sex now and he wants to continue the sexual gravy train. Neither is all that enthused with each other, but because they’re too nice to break up — and because both live in cold apartments, making bed partners practically necessary — Boy and Girl date for 14 years. One Sunday afternoon, while both are sitting on Girl’s couch, watching “Cougartown” or whatever the hell else people in bullshit relationships watch, both Girl and Boy literally die of boredom. And, since no one bothers to check on them for weeks, their pets (two dogs, a cat, and a collection of stink bugs no one ever bothered to kill) eat their remains.

While there are many pluses to being smart/upwardly mobile/(slightly) bougie, a huge drawback is the fact that much of your existence is about keeping up appearances. This results in many of us entering “good on paper” relationships, where we get in (and sometimes stay in) couplings where while it looks like you two should be together, something is just missing that keeps the relationship from being great. And, what makes this even worse is the fact that both parties are aware of this fact, but they continue going through the motions because, well, they’re smart and they think they can outsmart this situation as well.

Anyway, willingly entering half-assed relationships is just one of the many dumb-ass things that smart people regularly do, and here’s a few more.

Have unprotected sex

Yes, everyone does it. But, as I’ve already explained in detail, when we do it it’s worse for three reasons:

A) We have no excuses. We’re educated about sex, we have enough disposable income to purchase an endless supply of contraception, and we all remember TLC’s “Waterfalls” video

B) We think our eyes (“She has a masters. She has to be clean. Plus, she shops at IKEA.”) are smarter than the free clinic

C) We actually have the most to lose. So what if Plaxico and Dominosha don’t use a condom and get pregnant? They already have eight kids between them. Might as well hope for twins so they can at least play 5 on 5 against each other when they’re all in the county jail in 19 years. But, despite the fact that we all know that unwanted kids have a way of derailing dreams and plans and annual trips to the national Urban League Conference and shit, many of us still through caution (and our semens) to the wind.

Try to “outsmart” nature

I’m not going to say that this is something that educated women tend to do much more often that educated men, but educated women do this much more often than educated men. Basically, this is what happens when a woman reads “The Bluest Eye” and some Bell Hooks and all of a sudden thinks that certain gender-specific things (ie: generally speaking, women aren’t “built” to be able to sleep around and be completely carefree about it.¹) that have been proven over the last billion or so years don’t apply to her.

(BTW: Am I the only one who has trouble understanding why (some) women seem to be fighting tooth and nail to be able to adopt the very worst stereotypically “man-centric” characteristics? It’s like a scientist developing a meat alternative to beef, but instead of mimicking the taste or the protein benefits, he devises something that clogs your arteries and makes you take five shits a day)

Eliminate perfectly good romantic options for extremely stupid f*cking reasons

Let’s just say that if you refuse to date a chick because you found out that, in 1998, she happened to sleep with a guy you just deleted from your Facebook friends list last week because you don’t really remember him from middle school and he doesn’t seem to really get the purpose of Facebook, you may very well likely deserve to not be allowed to breathe anymore.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, can you think of any other dumb-ass dating and relationship-centric things that educated people regularly do?  

¹If you’re angry about me saying this, don’t be mad at me. Blame God. Or Eve. Or Jim Jones. Either way, don’t blame me

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

***For all the folks in the DC area, this Saturday, April 7, from 930pm-3am at Liv Nightclub (11th and U Street, NW) is another edition of #REMINISCE, the party dedicated to all 90s everything brought to you by VSB, Shine On Me, and Just Cause Events. It’s FREE BEFORE 11 w/RSVP (reminiscedc.eventbrite.com), a Courvoisier sponosred open bar from 930-1030pm, and no dress code! It’s cheaper to come out and party. Last month’s party was OFF THE HINGES! Somebody shook my hand when they left and just said, “Thanks P, for throwing this party…” <—- not lying. So come and make it do what it do this Saturday at Reminisce!***

Six Possible Reasons Why Mary J. Blige Thought It Was A Good Idea To Sing About Burger King Chicken

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As every trace of Mary J. Blige’s ill-conceived Burger King ad disappeared from the universe yesterday, I couldn’t help but think that the Burger King public relations people and lawyers had obviously never seen “8mm.” Why? Well, if they had seen it, they would have undoubtedly remembered Joaquin Phoenix’s infamous line…

“There are some things that you see, and you can’t unsee them. Know what I mean?’

…and, knowing that the image of The Queen of Hip-Hop Soul happily crooning about some crispy chicken wraps will be forever etched into the brains of whoever happened to see the commercial, they wouldn’t have even bothered removing it.

I, like millions of other red-bloodied and (slightly) bougie Americans, will never, ever, ever forget that sight.

Yet, while it’s easy to understand why Burger King would want Mary J to help promote their chicken, it’s not so easy to get why she’d agree to do it.

I (obviously) don’t know Mary J. Blige, and don’t pretend to be able to read her mind, but I did come up with six possible reasons why she thought this was a good idea.

1. The gas is too damn high 

Shit, the four dollars a gallon is killing my pockets right now, and I only have one car and only fill it up with the cheapest, Fisher-Price ass gas I can find. I can’t imagine what it must cost to fill up Bugattis, Maybachs, and private helicopters and shit everyday, so perhaps the cash she got for signing off on this ad went straight into her tanks.

2. They gave her a “Godfather” offer

Every now and then, I play a game with my parents where we ask each other how much money it would take for one of us to do a ridiculous task. (Example: “For $100,000 cash, would you walk butt naked on the parkway for two miles?”) If the answer is no, you keep going up in cash (“$200,000? No? Ok, how about $500,000 cash, right now?“) until the person finally says yes.

Perhaps Mary J. received a call one night from some BK exec on the other line asking “Ok, will give you $750,000 in one dollar bills to sing a crazy song about our “chicken” for 45 seconds,” and perhaps she just kept saying no until she heard an offer she couldn’t refuse

 ”Ok. We’ll give you five million dollars in quarters, a free camel, and we’ll convince our government friends to allow you to kill one person of your choice within the next 18 months. Deal?”

3. K-Ci is on that shit again

Although they’re no longer together, I’m sure Mary J. still has a soft spot for her troubled ex.   Maybe K-Ci is off the wagon again (or is it “on the wagon?” I always get them confused), and she knows that the only way to calm him down when he gets all cracky is to give him an unlimited supply of Whoppers and crispy chicken wraps. What better way to do that than signing a deal with Burger King?

4. She just really, really, really likes Burger King chicken wraps

Out of all of my theories, this one makes the most sense. Why? Two reasons

A) Companies such as Apple and Nike are so loved by their loyal fans that many of the fans, even celebrities, would promote their products for free. Perhaps Burger King inspires that type of loyalty from Mary J. I mean, she is Black and hood and has cried so many tears in her songs that we know she’s not a stranger to comfort food, so it’s not too far-fetched.

B) True story, out of all the non-chicken centric fast food places that have meats they call “chicken” on their menus, Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” actually tastes the best. Burger King’s meat they call “chicken” completely shits on both Mcdonald’s and Wendy’s meat they call “chicken.” It’s not even close. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

5. She’s f*cking the Burger King

With his bling, his Ross-esque beard, his giant head, and his impeccable sense of style, what woman wouldn’t want one night with the Pink Meat Maven?

6. Rick Santorum slipped her the same batch of evil chicken that Billy Dee Williams was given in “Undercover Brother” so that she’d convince Black America to eat it in bulk, resulting in us turning on Obama, cutting off our facial hair, and allowing George Zimmerman political exile in Liberia. 

Hey, stranger things have happened. 

Despite of all this, there remains the possibility that this commercial was intentionally campy. Burger King’s spots are usually a bit offbeat and winking, and this would be no different. If it was, though, then why the quick removal (and why the “clearance issues” bullshit excuse for the quick removal?) Who knows?

I do know, though, that since I’ve started writing this, I’ve developed a craving for a crispy chicken wrap. Maybe we weren’t able to stop Santorum and his fry cook minions in time. Drats!

Anyway, people of VSB.com, did you see the infamous ad before it was erased forever? What did you think about it? Also, do you have any other theories as to why Mary J. signed off on that deal?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

A Conversation About Double Standards And How “Reformed Homosexual Man” = “Promiscuous Woman”

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***A (somewhat) paraphrased summary of a conversation I had with a female friend last week***

“I read your “Slut” post”

“Congrats!”

“Shut up.”

“What did you think?”

“You’re a semantics ho.”

“You always give me the best compliments.”

“That wasn’t a compliment. More like an assessment of how annoying your awkward principles are”

“Thanks!”

“Anyway, I see the point you made, and I agree…kind of, sort of. But, there are certain words that’ll never be cool. Bitch. C*nt. Kappa, etc. Slut is one of them. There’s just too negative history behind it.”

“Why are you bringing this up now?”

“Something about that discussion just rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn’t really the discussion itself, either. It’s just…I don’t know. I know that promiscuous women are  frowned upon by men, but I have trouble understanding why y’all n*ggas even care. I get the whole male ego thing, but if a woman is sleeping with you, devoted to you, and monogamous, why should it even matter how many men she’s slept with before she met you?”

“You kind of answered your question right there. I doubt that most adult men would dead a relationship with a woman who’s sleeping with, devoted to, and in love with him just because he found out that she’s been around the block more times than a mailman with dementia. Thing is, if he found out that information beforehand, he’d probably be less likely to want to get into a relationship with her”

“Why?”

“Because, many men feel that a woman who has been promiscuous is less likely to be devoted to him, monogamous, and capable of staying in love with him. Basically, it’s not as much about “being with someone everyone else has been with” as much as it’s about “The more men she’s been with, the less likely she is to be completely fulfilled by what I’m bringing to the table.” You really don’t “get the male ego thing” because this is all about ego.”

“Yea, I’ve heard that before, and I still don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“The visceral dislike many men have of promiscuous women. I guess I understand why it matters. What I don’t get is why it seems to matter to y’all so damn much. Are all of you really that damn insecure?”

“Hmm”

“Why are you making that face?”

“I know you hate my analogies, but I have no choice but to make another one now.”

“Give it to me.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind. Anyway, remember the conversation we had about homosexual men, and how you wouldn’t be able to be with a dude who’d done even one non-straight thing in the past — even if you knew the guy was devoted to you and monogamous?”

“Of course. I’m not special, though. Most women feel that way.”

“Exactly.”

“Exactly what? Will you stop speaking in f*cking code for once?”

“How you (most women) feel about “hetero” men who might have done something gay before is exactly how many (if not most) men feel about promiscuous women.”

“Apples and oranges. How do those things even compare? It’s nowhere near the same thing.”

“Maybe not, but how that knowledge makes the opposite gender feel and react is the same. The same reasons why many woman wouldn’t want to be with a guy with a homosexual past — the doubts she’ll have if she’ll ever be enough for him, the fact that she might not be able to help picturing him f*cking or getting f*cked by another man, etc — are the same things going through many men’s heads when thinking of promiscuous women.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That’s ok. You don’t have to.”

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

My Deepest, Darkest Secret: Beard Envy

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Black Bastard. If that sounds like I'm hating, good. Mission accomplished.

God blessed me with an abundance of gifts.

An abnormally large and egg shaped head that can be used as a weapon if I’m ever attacked by a ostrich or even as a football if I’m ever accidentally decapitated. The ability to effortlessly create haikus using only different euphemisms for “vagina.” A voice that subtlety reminds people that I probably scored higher on the PSAT than they did. Spicy farts. Skin dark enough to scare white people at night, but not dark enough to dissuade them from asking me for directions during the day. Completely irrational athletic ability. (There’s no way someone who looks how I currently look should be able to dunk a basketball. Seriously, every time I dunk now I feel like I’m Punk-ing myself.) A decidedly utilitarian smirk that makes Dominican women want to wrestle. A penis the exact same color as my eyes. A “hmm. maybe he can grow on me or something“-able face.

Yet, despite these gifts, I’m completely overcome with envy whenever I see a picture of Common or James Harden or Black Thought or even Flo Rida. Why? Well, those motherf*ckers can grow completely full beards, a task I dearly want to be able to accomplish.

Now, this isn’t to say that my beard game is in the toilet. As seen here, I do have a decent amount of facial hair, and I have received compliments on its fullness, its color, and the way it feels when I perform cunnilingus. Basically, Paul Pierce I am not.

But, although I’d never want to pull one of those Rick Ross full-face beards, I’m completely disheartened by the fact that I’ll never even have the ability to do that; a realization that has occasionally induced face-shivers, shower wall slides, and enough tears to fill a half gallon bowl of Cheerios.

Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why I envy the beard so much. Perhaps it’s because I enjoy food so much that I know I’d love scouring my beard for random scraps of bacon if I got hungry. Maybe I secretly wish I was a Blaxploitation star, using my beard of virility to save sassy women from jive turkeys, rampant pimps, and wack orgasms. And, well, maybe I just think I kind of look like a very handsome monkey when I’m completely clean-shaving, and a perpetually full beard will help me look less primate.

Who knows?

I do know, though, that although I don’t really believe it when old men say things like “You know, if you splash some urine on your face, it’ll make your beard grow fuller,” I don’t not believe if enough to never try it. (And by “never try it” I mean “not try it as soon as I’m done writing this“)

Anyway, people of VSB.com: Can anyone relate to my beard envy? Are there any qualities or characteristics that you always wished you had, but God obviously had other plans?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Oh, And About Assholes And The Women Who Love Them…

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It happens at least once a season. Someone on a few high profile blogs or websites will state their particular take about the whole “women are attracted to assholes” thing, and, as was seen last week at Jezebel, The National Review, Male Fide, and Chateau Heartiste, each of the (combined) thousands of responses these articles will generate will fit into one of eight categories.

1. Women using anecdotal evidence to deny that women are attracted to assholes. 

2. Women saying that it is true…for young women and stupid women. Mature women don’t  fall for the same tricks

3. Women saying “It’s not that we like assholes, it’s just that “nice” guys are usually assholes in disguise. So, why not just deal with the real thing?”

4. Women reluctantly agreeing with the theory that asshole men are generally more attractive to women, and cursing God for giving them such predictable vaginas

5. Women happily agreeing that it’s true that women are into jerks. 

6. Men using anecdotal evidence to state that assholes don’t win. (i.e. “I’m a nice guy, and I stay swimming in ass, yo.“)

7. Men stating that assholes do win, and also saying that any woman (or man) who doesn’t agree is being dishonest.

8. Men stating that assholes win, and using this info as proof that women are generally f*cked up people, and also using it as an excuse for why their lame ass hasn’t gotten any p*ssy since Big P*ssy was still alive on “The Sopranos”

Where do I stand in all of this? While I don’t think that women are inherently attracted to assholes per se, I do believe that many of the characteristics that turn women’s panties into Niagara Falls happen to be possessed in abundance by men who happen to be assholes.

I do not think this is a coincidence, though. Men (and women) who happen to be at the top of the food chain are given more asshole-leeway. A 10 can get away with more sh*t than a 7 can. Also, since they’re used to people treating them like they’re the sh*t, they possess less incentive not to be assholes.

It’s funny, though. A part of me wants to believe that not being as asshole is the way to go, but both anecdotal and observational evidence doesn’t agree with that. Even from my own personal experience, I’ve found that being me, but an aloof, distant, apathetic, and (somewhat) mysterious me does actually work better than being an open and, dare I say it, “nice” me.

Anyway, that’s enough from me today. People of VSB.com, how exactly do you feel about the theory that women are generally attracted to assholes? Also, which one of the eight are you?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)