Every woman wants to be with a man that makes them feel safe and secure. Nobody wants to date the man that makes them feel like they’ll have to jump into his fight because he can’t handle his own. Unless of course, she’s a hoodrat, in which case she might instigate a fight that you have no way of winning.
My advice? After age 18, don’t date hoodrats. The adventure just isn’t worth it.
Also, never date a woman with an intentionally visible tattoo of her name on her teeth, arm, or neck. That ALSO is not a good look.
I’ve digressed. Ah yes, security.
So what if you’re one of those cats who loves to throw around the cliché: I’m a lover not a fighter, except you really mean it. Like say you’re as prone to jump into a fight as you are to sleep with a Malyasian beaverhorse. Your woman still has to feel safe doesn’t she? She has to know that while the two of you are out, if anything goes down, you can handle it, right?
Right.
The term, fake it ‘til you make it comes to mind. So today, here at VSB HQ, we shall help you non-fighter men fake it ‘til you make it with a list of ways to guarantee that you’ll never have to fight to defend your girls honor (or prove your love).
1. Only eat at restaurants that are frequented by older white patrons with something to lose.
TGIFridays is totally out. You see, by going to an upper-crust restaurant, you tend to be amongst people who, much like, you have about as much experience fighting as a panda bear held in a zoo wearing a Snuggie on a Tuesday after the summer solstice. Of course this might hurt your pockets and require you to know which one is the “salad” fork, but it’s a small price to pay. For one, she doesn’t know that you’re a punk, but she also doesn’t suspect that you’re not able to hold your own.
In that same vein…
2. Stay away from places that young people congregate.
It’s a well known fact that young people are tantamount to senseless violence. Everybody is ALWAYS trying to prove something, especially a group of young males (to include college age). The fact is, youth breeds ignorance and ignorance breeds fisticuffs – which you don’t have any of.
3. Be extremely funny and personable.
It’s hard to fight the funny guy. Everybody knows that humor is the best defense against ignorance. Actually, that’s not true at all, and if you believe that I have a Spacely Sprockett for sale. However, being funny generally guarantees that you won’t get into too many arguments. Mind you, be funny, not an asshole. Assholishness exponentially increases your beatdown probability. You want to stay on the lower end of that confidence interval. Plus, I also think that if you’re funny and personable, you’ll date a woman who’s at least similar in nature and neither of you will find yourselves shouting down a car with 4 men wearing similarly colored clothing and neck tattoos because they “cut you off” which, when you think about it is really a relative term anyway.
4. Be Proactive, like the Panthers, not like Diddy or them white kids.
This requires you to be a little bit smarter than the average bear, or at least have some foresight. If you see a situation that could even REMOTELY get out of control, you have to squash it before that happens. Usually, a transfer of emotions using say, humor (see #3) can do it. On the other hand, if its your girls fault – like say she decided to scream on somebody because they were “looking at her like they knew her” (which is hoodrat behavior, by the way) – then just leave her ass exactly where you found her. I’m usually of the mind that if you pick her up, it is your responsibility to return her from whence she came. However, if she ALSO feels the same way, except from whence you came is on some ashes to ashes, dust to dust mess, well, all bets are off.
Hopefully she doesn’t know where you live.
5. Have enough family and friends with sketchy pasts to do all of your dirty work for you.
Of course, this requires them to be on call 24/7 and able to get there at the drop of a hat, which is highly unlikely. However, if this is at all possible, make it so. This way, you can protect your brand (and record) and your loyal-to-a-fault family can exercise their ignorance. It’s a win-win for everybody involved.
And if your girl wonders why you always get other people to fight your (physical) battles…leave her. She’s probably a hoodrat.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
Malyasian beaverhorse??
boy, you are touched in the head!
personally, i like a man that can fight but is smart, funny and charming enough that he never has to. im no hoodrat, but i got a slick mouth….however, i havent had to make a fist since 6th grade when shante was pushin me at the water fountain like i wouldnt knock a bish out.
but i digress…point is, if i can get outta mine, he should be able to get outta his.
@shatani, girl, 8th grade h*s was tryna test my gangsta. i had to just handle something in the middle of english class, as well as after lunch. did anyone mess with me after that? no. that legacy carried me along all thru HS.
my bros went to my school and they straight up told me punks were not allowed to ride home with them after school.
sometimes it be like that.
@shri fry rye,
how bout, i had to buss this kid in his grill in the 5th grade for talkin some slick mess to me…like in the middle of class while we was watchin a movie and sh*t. fast forward to my senior year in highschool, he ends up riding the same bus with me…we end up on the T one afternoon and the convo goes as such:
punk: you dont remember me, do you?
lil shat: should i?
punk: im darryl.
lil shat: and? (lil shat had mad attitude…big shat aint no different!)
punk: you dont remember you kicked my azz in the 5th grade?
lil shat: oh, snap! that was YOU?!?!
punk: yeah, that was me. i deserved it though…
lil shat: i know. *gets off bus at stop…no further words*
see, a good azz-whuppin stays wit you like a life lesson….today’s lesson? dont start none, wont be none.
@shatani, i caint deal with lil shat and big shat at this hour, lol.
darryl was a punk! and my 9th grade stalker!
nighty night e-owls.
@shri fry rye,
nite muffin! aint nothin good ever came from no darryl for me…and speaking of which, i dont have much luck with steves either!
@shri fry rye,
**peeks in**
Gangstas don’t quote B. Scott….
**runs out**
@blackberry molasses, that’s why you laid out like snoop dogg from Baby Boy!!!!!
@shatani,
“i havent had to make a fist since 6th grade when shante was pushin me at the water fountain like i wouldnt knock a bish out.”
*dead* Hillarious!
Be overly religious. Don’t nobody wanna mess with Jesus’s homeboy. Carry a Bible, a Koran, even a Scientology pamphlet.
People will either think YOU will blow em up, or God will for messing with you.
Win/Win.
Or the easier route, learn a few disarming spells.
Gryffindor STAND UP.
i think speaking (read: pretending like you speak) Arabic or Hebrew is what’ll do the trick. say a “prayer” in a middle-eastern sounding language/accent and you should be cool enough to scare even the toughest of dudes. who really wants to mess with some one who is potentially strapped with tnt and waiting to meet a bunch of virgins in the afterlife??
that OR tell your girl to wear a burqa to cover her and keep her from “catching a cold”.
@Gem is DTM, ok you are truly ignorant and foolish, i can’t believe we’re e-related!
in all seriousness, why have i found grown, white men watching me out the corner of they eye on planes? and i know cause i’m watching THEM out the corner of my eye. you aint gon have my face on no milk carton, sir. no you will not.
i know many an arabic prayer, and i have no problem whispering them loudly to protect my neck lol.
@shri fry rye,
i know one phrase in arabic….
jala, hibibi, jala! i dont even know why, so dont ask!
@shatani, u mean yalla? in that case, it means “come on sweetie, come on! i know das right!
@shri fry rye,
yeah, thats how you spell it!!! i couldnt remember that part. and yeah, i know thats what it means…im just lookin for a reason to use it. lmao!
@shatani,
What does it mean?
@shri fry rye,
Teach me a prayer… just in case I need it one day.
@Ivy St., lmao, i GOT you!
@shri fry rye,
LMAO @ Gryffindor STAND UP!! Expelliarmus!!!
Mkay, my dorkdom just went through the roof. i need to go do something cool to get back. *leans on locker and trips school bully*
THERE we go. All is right again.
@shri fry rye,
woop woop!! *rockin that crimson and gold with the sorting hat tilted to the side*
@shri fry rye,
Expelliarmus, yo.
*Tosses errant end of scarlet and gold scarf around me, then disapparates oh, so smoothly*
@Beez,
destination, determination, deliberation!
@shatani,
Or in the words of Ron, “Perfect deliberation, divination, and desperation or whatever the h*ll it is “
@Beez, where have you been all my life!
aint i, aint i, aint i, aint i,
aint i got this wand
aint i rock this robe
aint i mixin potions
aint i got this patronus?
Merlin’s Beard! I’m trippin!
@shri fry rye,
LMAO!!
______________________ dead!!
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
you and me both, and i aint Fawkes…i aint comin back!
@shatani, NOT fawkes! while ppl got knapsacks and duffel bags, we got animals totin our ish.
@shri fry rye,
okay… that made me choke on my lunch.
@shri fry rye
This is HILARIOUS!!! Ima need you to record a video to this and post it! Costumes and all. You could become a youtube SUPERSTAR!! (and yes I did the pose to like Molly Shannon)
@V Renee,
i would favorite and subscribe for that sh*t so quick!!
@V Renee, LMAO, i am way too lazy, but if someone set it up, not only would i write a 16 bar flow remix to that song, i would throw in a hogwarts freestyle up in there.
youtube aint ready for all this magic!
@shri fry rye,
I’ve been MIA, like Dumbledore, but I did it to throw off Lord Moldy-shorts, I swear!
@shri fry rye, see, I would just walk around with Hagrid, or casually mention my homeboy Grawp.
@N.I.A. happyhumpday!!!, what they know about Hagrid?!
Get yo grawp up ya’ll!
Aint I laughin at these haters tryna take a shot at me..
@N.I.A. happyhumpday!!!,
We need t-shirts that say “Hagrid is my Homeboy (and not just because he’s as big as my whole family)”
@Beez, umm, i believe i will be screen printing this shirt.
@shri fry rye,
imma go head and put in my order for one in pink. thank you and good day!
@shri fry rye,
by the way, forget about disarming…stupify that ni99a, then obliviate the memories of the witnesses….
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982…., @shri fry rye, @Beez, luvvie,
i QUIT allllllllll a y’all!!!
*gives hermione side-eye and dons borrowed invisibility cloak*
@N.I.A. fabuloussince1982…., i see you have the makings of an auror.
i see you!
@shri fry rye,
“…even a Scientology pamphlet”
Thanks to Tom Cruise, you still might get jacked up for this.
Me, my lilliputian fists and fights go together like Gangstas and Tutus. Like Tom & Jerry. Notice how Tom NEVER caught Jerry b/c altho Jerry was small, he was quick-witted. C’est moi.
Besides, what do I look like fighting? And mess up THIS face! The Lawd would not be pleased at me for messing up His great handiwork. No SAH!
AAAWWW man!! Why aint my comments coming up??? *throwing eFit*
*stomps on floor*
*pouts*
In the words of that greasy haired rhythmically-gifted publicity ho, Mr Jackson (pick one. Any one. It works either way), “No justice, no peace!”
@I’m a Luvvie, not a fightie,
uh oh…looks like my posts arent showing up either now!
My wife and I were talking about this the other day, I’m too old for that shit…and folks don’t fight no mo!
@Saule Wright,
folks cant fight no mo…we’ve become too litigious. it used to be that someone could pop off at the mouth, get bust in the head and learn their lesson. nowadays, someone pop off at the mouth specifically so they can get you to hit them and they can sue yo azz! people dont even want to take the butt-whuppin they earned anymore!
#5 is the reason for my peaceful childhood. Ones reputation can go a long way.
Thanks ma.
At 6’4 250-somethin, security hasn’t been a problem in years…
Although once upon a time someone did call me ‘harmless’
@maximillian,
*fans self*
@maximillian,
*smiling and waving*
Funny that I’m readin this as the episode of Fresh Prince is on when Lisa kicks the guys a** In the bowlin alley…
With that bein said, just hire someone to take a dive. Duh! Lol. Of course that didn’t work for Will, but maybe it will work for you
In my 28 years, I’ve never had a fight. I guess people either like me or I’m just not a threat.
Hold up, there was this one time when I was a kid, I had to jack up a boy for messing with my brother. I’m the only one allowed to pick on him.
Anywho, I love a man who looks tough, which is prolly why I swoon for huge football bodies! I don’t want him to actually fight though…. so “de classe.” -Dwayne (Real Housewives of Atlanta)
@Nicki Sunshine,
how dreadful…
@SouthernGirl, LMAO. gotta luv him.
@Nicki Sunshine,
dontcha though? and its a shame that i knew exactly who you were talking about despite the typo! i just noticed it. i think his name is dwight.
but did you see the fur pants he had on at lisa “i’m a business woman” wu hartwell’s party?
http://www.crunktastical.net/?attachment_id=17580
CO Sign stay the F away from hoodrats cuz sooner or later you are gonna find your self on the ass end of a kicking
Although it may seem counter productive, don’t date the uber-bad chick that wears extremely provocative clothing. Some dude is gonna do or say something that you’re not gonna like to her and you’re gonna have do something about it.
Get a chick that saves pron star outfits for home games.
Having a really intimidating look works wonders.
@miss t-lee, Yup, when ur on the sub, u gotta pull out that ‘I could possibly crazy look’. U gotta look like u have a chip on ur shoulder and anything can tick u off at any moment. I personally stare out the window into the dark tunnel with a scowl that says ‘I just lost my job at the postal office and ran out of cigs so don’t bother me’
@TastyKake215,
This is my daily look as I’m walking from my parking garage to my job. That way I don’t get accosted by homeless people or random folks that I don’t wanna talk to.
It also works in the hood, the club, Bath & Body Works…ya know?
@miss t-lee,
“miiind ya bidness, thats all, just miiiind ya bidness!”
@shatani,
LMAO *tics*
“My advice? After age 18, don’t date hoodrats. The adventure just isn’t worth it.
Also, never date a woman with an intentionally visible tattoo of her name on her teeth, arm, or neck. That ALSO is not a good look.”
Hoodrats get a bad rep. Hoodrats do serve a purpose. What about her name tatooed on her thigh?
@Humble_One,
Which purpose would this be? Pray tell
@YGB,
um…how can you appreciate joy if you never experience pain??? lol
@shatani,
Is that your response? I don’t get it.
Confused on their purpose… women should act like ladys at ALL times.
@Poison Ivy St.,
my (joking) response means you gotta have the bad in order to fully appreciate the good. after gettin they arse beat for messin wit a hoodrat, they will appreciate a lady even more!
@Humble_One,
And on their t*ts
This entry reminded me of that Fresh Prince episode when Ashley had a bully and Will told her that she needed to act crazy to back them up off of her – “Mind your business, ok, just mind your business”.
Classic.
@V Renee, Oh Man, Classic episode!
@V Renee,
lmao! oh snap! i just said that somewhere upstream…i loved that episode!
@V Renee,
I love anyone who brings anything in life back to Fresh Prince. I still want to apply that advice in real life.
Thanks PJ for this entry. I, myself, am not a fighter, so I am not lookin for a hood ni99a wanting me to ‘ride or die’. So please brothas when we’re out and ish bout to pop off I don’t want u acting big n bad like u have 3 black belts then I have to watch u get ur ass kick (cuz I will not jump in) we’ll have to break up, cuz It’s no way I could justify that.
So please brothas, walk away and just say no.
@TastyKake215,
Co-signin this right here. There’s no way I’m getting my a$$ kicked for jumping in a fight!
@YGB,
co-sign as well! this here *points at self* aint no ride or die….im serious. im not fighting with or for you. im not waiting for you til you get out of prison. i dont want to know where you keep your piece, your weight and your paper.
just think of me as a fair-weather friend. thank you and good day!
@TastyKake215, u know philly jawns b fighting, y u fronting?
@Peyso is still confused about twitter,
“u know philly jawns b fighting”
This is soo true. Philly is the only city where fighting is ladylike. LOL!
I went to a club one time. Security searched every part of my body. It wasn’t just the “pat down.” I had to stomp my feet as well as shown the inner area of my jeans. It was worse than post 911 airport security searches. The reason for this… Philly women always want to fight!
@Poison Ivy St.,
and they dont wanna just fight, they wanna eff you up longterm…thats why they always got the razor blade tucked in somewhere!
@Poison Ivy St., all up in ya inside parts. just rude.
The staying away from hoodrats (and even rehibilitated hoodrats – you never know when they might relapse) thing is the answer if you’re over teenage years.
I’ve also found these techniques to be effective:
*Establish direct eye-contact with a potential aggressor. Not in a staring them down, ice-grilling type of way, but moreso in a “I got a good look at you and I can/will identify you in a line up if some shyt popped off” kind of way. Bullies or people that just love to fight usually prey on the weak and looking someone in their eyes gives the sense that you’re not intimidated by them. Unless their name is Debo and it’s no way possible to look them in the eye cause it wonders and is never really looking directly at you.
*Along with being funny, it’s always good to just be the cool guy that gets along with everyone. You don’t have to make friends with everyone or nothing like that, but acknowledging folks with a head nod and positive disposition prevents a lot of shyt from happening.
*Don’t talk shyt you can’t back up.
@Monk,
“Don’t talk shyt you can’t back up.”
*sigh* Were it so simple. This should be the standard everywhere…even online.
@CreoleInDC,
awww, e-thuggery is the newest form of artistic expression!
@Monk,
You hit the nail on the head…
Whenever I’ve been told “women want to feel safe” I’m like cool…who the hell doesn’t? Strangely enough when they say this my first thought is: “Is this the type of mouthy harpy that goes out, talks out the side of her neck to Bushawnda and her man Nay’ron and expect me to jump in?” Seriously…when I’m with a woman, sure self-preservation is always a forethought, but what am I protecting her from and who? I’ve often heard “well, if someone is being disrespectful, I want to know that my man will defend me.” Again…where the hell are we that someone is going to walk up and grab my girl’s azz and prompt me to stab that person with my monogrammed pen?
Leave them rats alone…even the old ones. They serve a purpose but this is proof positive you don’t go anywhere with them.
“Holy Callamity scream Insanity all you ever going to be is another great Fan o Me.” Errtime I read your handle I think of this rhyme. I like the rhyme and what you had to say here.
@WuDaMan,
That’s like one of my favorite cuts from Handsome Boy Modelling School! I added an extra L in the name but that’s my tagline.
@Monk,
I say we def need the definition of hoodrat to be ratified somewhere on this site.
This was good advice for weak men everywhere. If anyone would like to change your weak status…take Krav Maga lessons. Then you’ll feel taller.
@CreoleInDC,
thats on my list of sh*t to do when i get me some dough! i wanna be able to take a sucka down, if need be….
@shatani,
If you’re in DC Metro let me know and I’ll send you to the master of masters.
It is QUITE a liberating feeling.
I dont really have this problem at 6’1 300lbs, but how come its always little dudes that i feel bad smacking them that try me
@Peyso is still confused about twitter,
because, as was mentioned a couple posts ago, lots of short dudes seem to have a complex.
VSB P you killt it right here. I can feel the peace quotient of the world increasing as I type. I got out of the fighting game in 2nd grade. When I went to a private 2520 Catholic school (yeah you can’t just jump to fistacuffs around them like that).
Then I got to Gary, IN. public high school system. It was something like Joe Clark’s school before Joe Clark got there. Something like that. Security carried bats and used em on anybody. Sometimes after school and maybe even before it would be like a jail house riot. The fights were woe. Me I didn’t get in em nope cuz I knew how to pick my spots.
And when the fights came to me. Well lets just say it was like riding a bike.
@WuDaMan,
BTW If you a grown ssa man getting in fights. bwuaahahahahaa grow up.
@WuDaMan,
You mean you ride away or that fighting is something you can always do once you learn it?
@Ivy St.,
I always perfer the former. Though the later also rang true in my life.
“5. Have enough family and friends with sketchy pasts to do all of your dirty work for you.”
Heh. This reminds me of ol’ dude in Napolean Dynamite that promised to vote for Pedro and he was promised insurance. Some bully was trying to steal his bike and Pedro’s cousins rolled up in this hydraulics car lookin’ all, “You better think wisely” and the bully ran away.
@Cheekie,
LMAO!
@Cheekie, I luv ya for the Napoleon reference!!!
**** do I need to say No Homo after that? ***
Joking!
@Nicki Sunshine,
LOL!
@Cheekie,
LoL!
Any mention of Napoleon Dynamite is dynamite!
I was just talking to a coworker about this yesterday. I grew up fighting all through middle and high school.
Ninja’s always tried to pick on tha skinny kid. I took a few L’s at first but I turned my season around after a summer in tha gym. Pac said “Get my weight up with my hate and pay em back when I’m bigga.”
Neva fought over a girl that i can think of though. Haven’t had a fistfight since ’96. Too mature 4 that now. I need my paper more than tha arrest record. lol
Don’t get it twisted though, I will open a whole case of Xtra strength whipyomunkeyazz if you put ya hands on me or my peoples.
I recently dated a guy that when an environment was what he deemed sketchy, he would either not take me or offer to take me home. I’m not sure what to read from this. I doubt he was scared to fight. I am hoping he was just worried about my direct safety.
@Ivy St., i’m confused as to why he could not just switch the location.
“rumble / no that’s not likely / that’s from my old school daze like Spike Lee…”
99.999% of beefs can be avoided.
Most dudes (and women) I end up scraping up off the street and throwing in the back of my ambulance did something (or a series and or combination of somethings) that ended up gettin’ that head flown..
1) Situational awareness. You’re at a dimly-lit, hole in-the-wall club with one way in and one way out, security didn’t pat the shady looking dude with the 3x North Face hoody, (or the rest of his crew) down , AND you can’t see where you’re walking ’cause of the weed haze. All things considered, maybe you shouldn’t have that sixth shot of Henny playa; the beef’s probably gonna pop off. You want to have a clear head when it does.
2) Nightclubs/after hours spots like the one above = no go after 24-25. ( and by 24-25, I really mean never)
3)Realize the fact that fistfighting is a thing of the past-if you end up in a beef, chances are VERY HIGH that you gon’ get shot.
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
“3)Realize the fact that fistfighting is a thing of the past-if you end up in a beef, chances are VERY HIGH that you gon’ get shot.”
especially, here in philly….really sad. but those are excellent tips!
@ThePhiladelphiaNegro,
“chances are VERY HIGH that you gon’ get shot.”
Very true words.