To Black Men Who’ve Survived Sexual Assault: We Must Speak » VSB

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To Black Men Who’ve Survived Sexual Assault: We Must Speak

***Author’s Note: The following piece is not me trying to silence or dismiss the suffering of other communities. This stems from my longing for an intersectional conversation on sexual violence. It is my attempt to talk about the pain which is inflicted when rape culture and toxic Black masculinity converge. I do not know what you will take from this. All I can promise is this is my unapologetic truth.***

I have been involved in a number of social justice collectives over the past three years. In some of those spaces, I found a family and we sustain each other in the midst of a multi-pronged assault on our Blackness. In others, I have come across people who say they believe in liberation for all but really seek to place themselves atop existing oppressive structures.

Putting their ideologies and strategies aside for a moment, I noticed a common thread running through these groups. The thread being the idea that there is power is sharing one’s story with others. It is an understanding that speaking your narrative provides room for personal healing while simultaneously granting those around you opportunities to work through their own trauma.

I was vehemently against it initially. I considered story-sharing to be another mechanism designed to exploit Black suffering. Most of the people who were brave enough to share their pain were Black people – specifically Black women. Their stories focused on intimate partner violence, rape, and state-sanctioned brutality toward them and their families.

More often than not, there were White people in their room who expressed how moved they were after hearing these horrendous stories. This angered me the most. I asked myself why are we always the ones called to educate at the expense of retraumatizing ourselves? Why was it that a majority of White people could not bring themselves to act until we exposed our abused and scarred bodies? I wanted no part of it.

While I understood it was a courageous and conscious decision for people to share a piece of themselves, I hated the idea of Black pain constantly being served for public consumption. I promised myself that I would not participate in it. I kept that promise until was sexually assaulted.

I was raped in the fall semester of 2015. I was raped by a Black woman and it hurt me. It hurt me to know a Black woman – someone that I ride for and with in this movement – hurt me in such a way. As a result, my grades slipped, I distanced myself from my community, and convinced myself not to seek help because I did not want a White person capitalizing off of my pain.

I would be lying to you if I said my rigid conception of Black masculinity did not keep me from getting the help I needed as well. There were a number of things I said to convince myself I had not been hurt:

These things do not happen to men, especially not Black men.
You are a leader. You do not have time to waste on this White shit.
They are going to make you talk to a White psychologist and make you leave school. You can’t afford it.
Just move on and get back to work

I want to spend some time on that last one.

It is my personal belief that White supremacy is so unrelenting, it forces Black people to view self-care as self-indulgence i.e. ‘my people dying every day so I am being selfish/failing my community if I am not constantly working.’ Eventually, we become okay with not being okay.

Furthermore, we tend to dismiss resources designed to support us as ‘White people stuff’ because we do not trust them or we believe in gritting our way through traumatic and life-altering events on our own. These sentiments have contributed to our community perpetuating a code of silence on sexual violence.

In 2014, the Bureau of Justice Statistics reported for every Black woman who reports rape, at least 15 do not report.

The Black Women’s Blueprint stated at least 9 out of 10 Black women have been victims of pedophilia, street harassment, and/or sexual assault; or they have a friend, cousin, sister, aunt, mother, or grandmother who has been victimized.

15 percent of Black trans people experienced sexual assault in K-12 education according to the Human Rights Campaign.

Robin D. Stone, author of No Secrets, No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal From Sexual Abuse, states 1 in 6 Black men report childhood sexual abuse. She continues by saying fears being perceived as gay by other men and a distrust of police often lead Black boys to remain silent.

The statistics scream out but the silence is deafening. It is heavy. I can almost touch it.

In maintaining this silence despite such overwhelming numbers, we as Black men say to ourselves and each other that we see no problem with the violence impacting our community.

I am not saying we have to speak about it in front of White people, but we have to speak about it.

As Black men who have survived sexual assault, we cannot remain silent considering the violence being done to our children. They should not have to go through what we went through. If we have these conversations, we can help lance the sense of shame and embarrassment that has become synonymous with revealing assault.

If we fail to do so, we contribute to a culture of rape which will undoubtedly lead to more Black girls and boys walking around broken. If we fail, we also deprive ourselves of a healing process – a process which can see us move ever so closer to becoming whole again.

Again, I do not know what you took from this piece. It was my attempt to share a personal narrative with the understanding that holding it in does nothing except eat away at me. It was my attempt to say explicitly that I, along with other Black men, am hurt. I am fucked up. I am in pain. I am broken. If nothing else, I hope these conversations move us to a point where we can be broken together and help put some of our pieces back in place.

Josh Odam

Josh Odam is Brooklyn's resident spaceboy. He is a third-year dual-degree candidate in Political Science and Legal Studies at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. He is fluent in English, Vulcan, Klingon, Shadiness, and Trash-Talking and divides his time between UMass and residency at the University of Wakanda.

  • Skegeeaces

    Dear brother, thank you for your story. I know you want more than sympathy, so I’ll give action: I’m going to tell all of the men in my life that I want them to know they have a safe space to talk about these things with me. No judgments only compassion. Thank you for inspiring that. God bless you!

  • Question

    why are we always the ones called to educate at the expense of retraumatizing ourselves?

    Why was it that a majority of White people could not bring themselves to act until we exposed our abused and scarred bodies?

    In maintaining this silence despite such overwhelming numbers, we as Black men say to ourselves and each other that we see no problem with the violence impacting our community…I am not saying we have to speak about it in front of White people, but we have to speak about it.

    There is so much in what you’ve just expressed, shared and called to action that I don’t know what to say other than that I hope THESE conversations continue. Thanks for sharing. The courage it took to right this piece does not escape me.

  • Ari

    Thank you for sharing your story ((e-hug)). I’m sorry this happened to you. I wish for you continued strength and healing.

  • I’ll let the brothers speak their piece on the $exual assault stuff. The part I want to speak on is this whole concept of needing help for trauma being White people ish. A lot of that has to do with the image of mental health being this affluent White chick crying on some comfy couch while a doctor hands out pills. The mental health community also has its own issues, from stuff like drapetophobia to psychologists officially not believing Black people could be depressed until the 60s.

    We need to reach out and deal with our trauma before we go out and be the next vicitmizers. Hurt people hurt people, and the mental health community has a lot of experience in helping people heal. Stay strong brother.

    • DoTheRunningMan

      Yes. As you said, not being in this man’s position, I can’t speak on that myself.

      But we need to stop pretending we can’t go through trauma and be hurt and damaged by it. We need to feel it’s okay to get help.

      (And of course, we need to encourage each other to seek it out instead of just sucking it up.)

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    • TeeChantel

      “Hurt people hurt people”
      You said a word here, Todd.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “The mental health community also has its own issues”

      You’ve said a mouthful Hott Todd. This is such a socioeconomic issue and it doesn’t help that the mental health / health community has betrayed our trust in past. Mental Health in the hood is at the mercy of state / city budgets, overworked case workers, and grants while affluent folks can pick and choose practitioners as they choose.

      • jolly

        Socioeconomic cluster f*** because it’s bad enough that our people often don’t feel comfortable seeking that help but it’s worse when you enter these spaces and it’s government funded. The way they treat you… You might as well be on line to visit someone in jail. Quality healing spaces or even quality healers are mired in a system that does not incentivize them treating you like a person. University campuses if you’re lucky enough to afford that proximity and advantage I’ve found have more “welcoming/diverse” spaces for seeking mental health services.

    • “The mental health community also has its own issues”

      One of my little cousins got pregnant in the 9th or 10th grade and that’s when her bi-polar-ism manifested itself. Her mom struggled with finding help for her in a rural community because the mental health boards are shady.

      • I volunteer as a peer counselor working with mental health. Rural mental health services suck. The thing is that for all of America’s health care issues, the US does at least a passable job. Dealing with stuff in other English speaking countries is… fun.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      You know in our communities, mental health is still seen as taboo. We refuse to trust anything that has a history of White people manipulating Black people to the point of being harmed, experimented on, or even death.

      But after all these years, that’s not a good enough excuse to purposely leave ourselves in the dark the way we do. However, America does not help at all with signifying the importance of mental health. We keep that idea of a rich woman on a couch b i t c h i n g about everything, and yet a good 1/3 of the crimes we see reported daily have to do with the lack of attention on mental health.

      It’s at the point where we all have someone in our families, if not ourselves, suffering from some sort of mental illness, and let’s not even start with depression, because then it gets worse.

      • I going to say some real ish for a moment. Now my ex wife has borderline personality disorder. Wanna know who else has it? Willie Bosket. AKA The reason 13 year old can be sentenced as adults. AKA the inspiration for the concept of the superpredator criminal. In the biography All God’s Children, there’s a whole chapter about his mental problems, complete with an all star cast of the BPD community, but they don’t hear me though. *headdesk*

        • Siante

          There’s support for people who have lived to tell about a relationship with a person who has BPD or NPD. I just happened to Google & find this one: https://www.bpdcentral.com/support-groups/ but anybody who has ever had to support a loved one with any of those disorders knows it can be soul crushing….. but you’re definitely not alone.

        • L8Comer

          I’m trying to understand this comment, I’m a little confused.

          Are you saying your ex had as troubled a childhood as this kid and her symptoms as a result also manifested as borderline personality disorder? Are you saying she’s just like Willie Bosket?

          Are you saying borderline personality disorder makes a person / child crazy enough to warrant being sentenced as an adult? or branded a superpredator? I gotta say I’m skeptical about this diagnosis of Willie Bosket anyway, Of course, i never met him, but as I understand that bpd is a relatively new dsm addition (last 40 years or so) and this type of diagnosis at 13yo is exceptionally rare.

          As an aside, Brandon Marshall the football player also has borderline personality disorder. He got help and seems to be doing okay. I remember hearing about him being very active in raising awareness

          • My larger point is that mental illness is not only not taken seriously among Black folk, but taken as proof of some sort of pathology. Heck, going back to Brandon Marshall, until someone intervened, he was going to get run out of the league for being a troublemaker. A White player in that spot would have just been thought of as a troubled soul.

            But as a Jet fan in my situation, watching Brandon Marshall was bittersweet. I loved what he did on the field, but those press conferences scared the crap out of me. I could practically script them, and it brought back a lot of painful memories.

            • L8Comer

              Ahhh okay, I see. I was lost. I don’t even think many people think we’re capable of suffering from the same mental illness they do. We’re monsters, thugs, strong women, angry black women, violent, mentally disabled, etc… But rarely sick. That’s saved for people who shoot up schools and movie theaters. And when / if we are sick it’s the result of black family pathology. I never hear anyone even query what kind of a household you have to be raised in to go shoot people and commit mass murder.. What kinda family dynamics exist there? What’s wrong with the white community?

              Anyway

              Yeah I agree with you about the Brandon Marshall situation. I’m glad he seems to have gotten help, bps seems very very misunderstood

      • Asiyah

        “However, America does not help at all with signifying the importance of
        mental health. We keep that idea of a rich woman on a couch b i t c h i n
        g about everything, and yet a good 1/3 of the crimes we see reported
        daily have to do with the lack of attention on mental health.”

        I disagree with this to a huge extent. I think America makes light of mental health by putting that image out there of mental health being a rich woman complaining about everything because America still has a HUGE problem admitting that mental illness is real and prevalent. Mental health is only “important” when justifying White criminal behavior. Beyond that, this country simply does not care and/or does not want to care about mental health, especially the mental health of non-Whites. America has a problem, and as long as America has a problem, mental health does too.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Well then technically we agree. This country does not treat mental health like a fundamental issue, and yet a huge score of its citizens suffer from mental health problems, a huge score of the prison population are there for mental health problems, and a huge score of our resources are diverted from mental health to deal with the issues that occur only AFTER mental health problems create a disturbance to the American way.

          • Asiyah

            I think they treat mental health issues as comedic relief. It only becomes a faux concern when a White man does a mass shooting.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Which is even sadder because those dudes actually ARE mentally touched, but everyone else gets thrown to the side.

          • Furious Styles

            Jails and prisons were the original mental health clinics for the poor.

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              And it took over 50 years of horrible conditions in asylums before countries started adopting laws that dictate proper care of the mentally disabled.

    • Asiyah

      Mental health community is also still very homogeneous. That’s a huge problem.

    • As a person who has worked from the other side, let me say the skepticism isn’t completely unjustified. The problems in mental health has to do with the structure, much more than bad intentions. Mental Health’s structure in the U.S. is mostly welfare-by-other-means. There’s a lot of good writing on this on a blog called thelastpsychiatrist.com which covers a great amount of detail about the business, practice and research in the field of mental health.

      The biggest issue in mental health has to do with being able to specify if the source of a mental health issue is neurological or habitual. Many take this for granted and think it’s straightforward, but most people do not understand that despite the never-ending popular books that make up the libraries of the world ranging from Steven Pinker and Malcolm Gladwell to Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew, the science isn’t bulletproof, due to the complexity of the organ. Also, because of this, politics and ideology often creep into people’s theories unto what mental health is or isn’t: thus the popularity of American Buddhism/Yoga.

      My personal experience has shown me that most issues of mental health tend to be more rooted in habit than in changes in brain chemistry. Changes in brain chemistry do not generally have root in traumatic events and have more of a biological or historical base. That being said, a lot of mental health problems people have tend to be rooted in habits that they have developed due to several reasons. That’s why so much of success in mental health therapy, is dependent on self-knowledge and self-acquaintance: if you, yourself are unaware of the problems and reactions that are leading you to engage in self-destructive behavior, the greatest physician is only going to be able to do so much for you.

    • LMNOP

      I think part of it also is that the mental health system, which allegedly is here to help people, can be very focused on controlling people, especially Black people.

      I think too often a person who needs help dealing with the effects of trauma gets put on antipsychotics or other dangerous drugs and end up with a lifetime of physical and mental health problems.

  • Thank you for sharing your story. I pray you heal your wounds. Having your body and space violated is difficult, no matter the assailant.

  • miss t-lee

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m almost positive that you’ve already helped someone out there who might be dealing with a similar situation.
    All of the kudos.

  • TeeChantel

    Thank you for sharing your story. My heart truly goes out to you. I pray more brothers who have survived sexual assault speak out just as you have. Without getting into deep details, I’ve had a couple of men share their story with me. While I’m glad they felt comfortable enough to share it with me, I’m hurt that this is happening far too often and it is going unnoticed.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I always despised the idea that mental health is a “white person thing.” Personally therapy has helped in so many ways. I’m glad I did it and don’t have a problem talking about it. Trauma can effect you and the ones you love. I realized if I want my own and family issues to bleed into the next generation then I must treat it at the source…which is myself.

    • Blueberry01

      I concur.

      If you broke your leg and couldn’t walk, would just shrug your shoulders and be like, “rocking a cast is a white thing”. When your mind or soul is broken, it needs to heal.

  • I’m sorry that you feel broken. So much of Black masculinity is rooted in our ability to receive and dish out punishment that it takes guts to admit hurt. That being said, it is the first step to healing. Health should be the end game for us all. If you gotta get help, get help. It’s the only option. I wish more people, not just Black, would understand that. I hope that writing is as cathartic for you as it is for me. Good luck in your path to peace.

    • “So much of Black masculinity is rooted in our ability to receive and dish out punishment that it takes guts to admit hurt.”

      bruh…

  • I’ve been saying this about the assault on black boys specifically for a while. I have heard the story, you know the one, where a man is telling you how he lost his virginity at some very tender age…9, 11, 8(!!!!!) and, they say it in jest, and IMO false pride (what 9 year old is REALLY just out here seeking ess ee ex?). Whenever these stories come up it’s ALWAYS an older person. Never an age appropriate person (And that’s not be accident, because again…what 8,9,10 year old is just out tryna get bunz?). I suggest to them “you…DO know that is molestation right?” They usually suggest back that they wanted it, or enjoyed it. However, I feel like they say that because…what else can they say. If they say it troubled them in this type of society, they could be looked upon as “soft” or “geigh” or whatever. I find it very troubling because if you EVER heard this many young girls saying they are having relations with the older male baby sitter…or the boy who lives next door, or whomever, there would be outrage, there would be action taken to protect those young girls. However, who is protecting our young boys? Then you bring this into adulthood, and people think men can not be raped by women at all. I don’t believe that to be true. So, the whole thing is very problematic all around IMO. I share empathy with you as someone who has been victimized myself, and thank you for sharing something so intimate and personal.

    • Janelle S

      Man… an acquaintance of mine discovered that her 4 year old daughter was sexually assaulted at daycare. By a 10 year old boy at the same daycare. And as outraged as I was for her and her daughter, I wanted to cry for the boy, too. He himself was a victim of abuse by his mother’s boyfriend. This boy has been failed twice.

      • miss t-lee

        Goodness. This is so terrible.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        That’s a damn shame on so many levels

      • f**k! So much failure.

      • I don’t know whose a$$ I wanna whip more, the mother’s boyfriend for the obvious, or the mom for not noticing that her son was Wilding all the way out.

        Woodchippers, man. Woodchippers….

        • As a non parent people need to be careful who they allow around their kids.

          http://counton2.com/2016/03/23/toddler-hospitalized-after-being-beaten-excessively/

          • miss t-lee

            Some folks just don’t be caring…and that’s so sad.

            • I just don’t understand it.

              • miss t-lee

                Me neither, I think because my folks were so protective of us. Therefore, I’m super protective of the folks around my youngest family members.

                • L8Comer

                  does that include your other family members? Because unfortunately they’e usually the culprit.

                  I remember my mom at some point being really, really watchful of me with my male cousins. It seemed out of the blue. Maybe it was b/c I was getting older and going through puberty? Maybe she saw something on the news or it was because she heard about something happening to a friend’s kid? Either way, her responses caused some tension b/c she wasn’t shy about snatching me up if we were say on the couch, under a blanket, watching TV. Or telling male relatives I could not stay over until the female relatives of the house returned from their trip. She was trying to protect me, but at the time I thought she was demented and my cousins were really offended.

                  • miss t-lee

                    Yes it does.
                    My Dad only let us stay over certain family members houses. Also, he told me once that my step mother’s brother used to look at us (my sister and I) a certain way that made him uncomfortable, so he wasn’t even allowed over at our house.
                    Your Mom was definitely on her game. Gotta protect the kids.

                    • L8Comer

                      Now THAT’s a difficult convo. Telling your wife her brother can’t come over cuz I don’t like the way he looks at miss-t-lee and her sister? Whew! I don’t have kids, but I’d imagine being that gully towards loved family members would be tough. But the potential consequences of not voicing your concerns – warranted or not – are far worse.

                      I love that your Dad was so watchful. I’m not sure if that stuff ever even occurred to mine… maybe it did and he just didn’t mention it. But Mom was watching. Thank goodness for parents that pay attention.

                    • miss t-lee

                      Yeah. Pops told me this a few years ago after dude passed away. Totally wild because of course, I’d had no idea this was even a thing.
                      Gotta give props to your Mom, as well.

                    • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                      My prettier half tried to hit me with something like that but it was out of beef and frivolous, . . . and then acted like she didn’t understand why I was so hurt and offended that she’d use that tactic in an argument. Smh.

                  • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

                    My feeling is, better that my daughters feel their father is over protective or controlling or demented than to feel like he wasn’t there for them when they needed him. I’ve reconciled myself with that.

          • fxd8424

            Yep. But sadly they don’t. Women meet a guy and move him in the next day. She thinks he likes her when it’s actually her kid(s) he has his eye on.

          • Kas

            I despise the mother and the boyfriend, but I despise the mother more.

        • Janelle S

          I just can’t with parents who turn a blind eye to that kind of stuff with their kids. If you know, if you suspect, protect your kids.

          • Kas

            If you suspect, check. I don’t get give a flying fcuk about hurting someone’s feelings when it comes to the welfare of my children.

          • Asiyah

            And some turn a blind eye because they themselves were/are abuse victims.

      • This is what I’m saying. When children that young are being SexuallyPrecocious, you know something is going wrong.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Aint no protection for us out here. Everybody says “we got your back” but the minute s h i t goes down, everybody sits there like
      http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/09/Funny-Hmm-O-rly-oh-really-Orly-Suspicion-Suspicious-Will-Smith-GIF.gif?gs=a

      • Without revealing too much, a situation came up recently where molestation could be reasonably suspected. While it didn’t turn out to be the worst case scenario, it wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun time. I’m amazed at how parents don’t bother to ask those big questions. Wow….

        • Janelle S

          I have been a long-time supporter of Chicago Children’s Advocacy Center (which does amazing work with child abuse victims and I’m happy to chat about it at length), and even I struggle with what to say.
          I want her to be young as long as she possibly can be, but she’s sitting through her first Erin’s Law-mandated training this week. In first grade. I’m so glad they’re bringing it up first. I want to have this conversation with her without making it too heavy. I don’t want her to be suspicious of the many adults who are in her life, but how do I do that and keep her safe?

          • fxd8424

            I wanted the same thing with my daughter. To be as young as long as possible. But the world does not allow it so I just gave her a little at a time in a way she could understand.

      • :( That’s sad. I believe it though. the way I’ve seen people react, I feel like I’m the ONLY one who is ever like “that was rape tho” People be laughing…I’m like…I don’t see what’s funny about a 17 year old girl who was hired to watch an 11 year old deciding the best way to pass the time was to have relations with him.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Some folks use the fact that he’s potentially curious about girls and her using him for practice as a mutual exchange. I want to slap folks who think like that. They fail to realize the girl has the power because she is the authority figure.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            We make it seem like it is awesome to get laid before you even understand how your body works, but forget how easily the mind is corrupted.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              Society prepetuates this in movies but they use the grey area not to draw any heat. How many movies have you seen about the quirky / nerdy (underage) teen that gets “blessed” by the hot (older) girl?

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                Too many. But be ready to beat the breaks off any dude older than 19 looking at an underage girl

              • Freebird

                The Inkwell

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  Real Science, Antione Fisher, Risky Business, the list goes on and on.

                  • Freebird

                    The Learning Tree….Midnight Cowboy….Almost Famous….

                  • Kas

                    Lil Wayne, Chris Brown. No need to go to movies, we have celebrities admitting to being raped.

                • L8Comer

                  Ohhh yeahhhhhhh, omg I haven’t thought about that show in so long. I had no idea at the time how wrong that was

              • Me

                Fresh off the Boat was running with this line the whole fall season (Eddie and the white girl who looks like she’s been held back 3 times)

              • L8Comer

                Remember that show Dawson’s Creek? That high school kid was sleeping with his teacher and it was really glamorized, romanticized… etc. I was a pre-teen when that was on the air so I didn’t see anything wrong until years later in hindsight.

            • L8Comer

              Studies show that boys and young men who are abused like that suffer with the same symptoms as girls and women. Even if the boys feel like they weren’t abused or describe the abuse like it was a notch on their belt, right of passage, ego boost or whatever. They still suffer the same and struggle to trust people and develop healthy romantic relationships along with all the other usual symptoms

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                And it tends to be worse because they don’t have anyone to speak to about the trauma, but so many people to speak to that will reinforce the negative aspects of s e x & love.

        • Kas

          The story of Chris Brown the celebrity.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Well let’s be honest. This is always about the retribution of the minority.

          If women are the minority, though they are capable of doing wrong just like men, there will be lenient views for many of their actions, because the majority (men) have stuck it to women so many times. So in terms of s e x, for all of the awful stuff men have made women endure, if women do the same thing back, by our own principles, we make it seem like it isn’t that big of a deal, even though it is.

          And I doubt we are going to drop that mindframe anytime soon, which means there will be plenty more women who will take advantage of a young man, just as there are plenty of older men taking advantage of young boys and girls.

          • Freebird

            This. This. This.

    • Asiyah

      ” I have heard the story, you know the one, where a man is telling you
      how he lost his virginity at some very tender age…9, 11, 8(!!!!!) and,
      they say it in jest, and IMO false pride (what 9 year old is REALLY
      just out here seeking ess ee ex?). Whenever these stories come up it’s
      ALWAYS an older person.”

      Yes. And that disturbs the crap out of me. And it infuriates me.

    • fxd8424

      An ex-boyfriend, who I’ve known all my life shared that he had been molested at 7 by his 13 year old babysitter. He laughed about it and said he wished at the time that she would do it again because it felt good. I felt that he was being honest because we could always be vulnerable with each other. A lot of folks think they don’t have to watch their boys like they do the girls, but nothing could be further from the truth. I know better having raised my brother when our mother died. His teacher, a security guard, and other random men. I had to check them all. And I never brought dates around him or my daughter. I thought home was to be a safe haven. A child should feel safe there.

      • That never bringing dates home tho!!!! Like…I don’t have kids, but I have nieces and nephews. I asked my eldest niece one day (b/c she was pregnant, and also ratchet and I wanted her to understand the importance of protecting your home and your children) “how many of my boyfriends have you EVER met?” and she’s like “one” and I’m like “Right, and do you think Auntie has only ever had ONE boyfriend?” and she’s like “no” and I’m like “Right again!” I wouldn’t bring just any old body around kids. Not saying I bring any old body around ME…but…ppl be bribing dudes home they just met Saturday at the club and they have kids…I’m just like #HowSway?

        • fxd8424

          A lot of people thought I was gay. LOL!! They don’t realize you can still date and have a life. They pick me up at the door, that’s all. My daughter and brother always came first. Always. I met a guy once who I had known two weeks and told me he just wanted to be with me so much that one night he started to just show up on my doorsteps with his clothes. LOL!!! I told him you would have just been out there on the porch. I definitely don’t do move-ins. He must have been out of his mind.

          • O_O ni99a are you homeless?! Don’t be popping up at my house.

            • L8Comer

              Lol, no pop-ups!! that woulda been the End of that for me.

    • Yvonne

      Yes I have heard those stories as well and they make me sick. Losing your virginity at 9 is nothing to brag about.

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