(Editor’s note: VSB is the Blackest space on the Internet. Which means CPT isn’t just an idea. It’s an editorial edict. Which means that it shouldn’t surprise you that we’re debuting Game of Thrones recaps today, six seasons into the show — and seven episodes into that sixth season. Anyway, people of VSB, meet Carcetti Littlefinger, our new Game of Thrones recapper!)
George R.R. Martin! What in the entire fuck? What is your issue with the Starks? Every episode, at least one of these niggas catches a capital L. This episode showed two Starks getting the short end of a stick and a third getting the short end of a shank. By now, surely these niggas have sufficiently paid the price for Ned and Robb’s political ineptitude. Leave em be George. Better yet, let their asses win for a change.
The stars of this week’s episode, in no particular order, are as follows:
LADY LYANNA MORMONT– ruler of House Mormont- a vassal house to House Stark, Jorah Mormont’s cousin, whiz kid, my new favorite
We open with Jon Snow Stark Targareyn, Lady Sansa Stark Lannister Bolton and Ser Davos Seaworth arriving to Bear Island in a rather sad effort to enlist recruits to fight for House Stark in the upcoming Battle of the Bastards. The three obtain an audience with the house’s young ruler, ten year old Lyanna Mormont. I cannot say enough about this little chick. She is both adorable and formidable. She is a typical child in that children rarely possess the ability to give a fuck about anything other than themselves. And if you need a child to give a fuck, you must properly convey what’s in it for him or her. As such, she wastes no time cutting down Sansa and Jon as they stammer through their pitch. She was happy to showboat her superior intellect, slicing and dicing her way through every rebuttal with little regard for either’s dignity or self-worth. This nigga is a shamer and a nut snatcher…and I love it! Sansa and Jon are clearly out of their depth fucking around with this little girl. It’s a good thing they brought Ser Davos along. He finally pipes up and explains to the girl that by helping the Stark cause she will be, in effect, helping her own. The undead are coming..and they don’t give a hot fuck about houses and allegiance — they will kill everybody. If the Starks lose the Battle of the Bastards, then everyone will lose in the war against the White Walkers.
Kudos to Davos for being the most logical nigga in the seven kingdoms. This man has plenty of sense and his diplomacy skills are rivaled only by Tyrion Lannister. Lyanna meaningfully considers Davos’s arguments and consults with her advisers. She then agrees to commit all 62 of House Mormont’s soldiers to their cause. Jon balks at the number but Lyanna ensures him that the sheer ferocity with which her soldiers fight, is equal to a thousand niggas skilled in basic combat so really, it balances out in the end. Plus, from the way she was prepping her horse and gathering her armor, it seems Lady Lyanna might take the battlefield with these niggas! My God.
PREDICTIONS: This little girl is a fucking beast. I am certain that she will be the difference maker in the battle. Every battle of note in the history of the world has turned on the contribution of either one courageous or one stupid nigga. No matter his capacity, a difference maker will ultimately effect the outcome of the war. This little nigga in particular is smart, calculated, bout it and without a fuck to give… you can’t ask for a more winning combination! Also, its no coincidence that she is named for their late aunt. This alliance is some serendipitous shit that likely has the blessing of all the different gods in the realm. With Lyanna Mormont on their team, the Starks might just having a fighting chance.
JAIME’S GOLD HAND– ancient prototype for the modern day prosthetic, crafted of the most lustrous chemical element in the realm.
Since first making its appearance back in season four, Jaime’s Gold Hand has been an object of wonderment for precious metal collectors the world over. It’s bold and brassy, not only in hue but in disposition- it frequently outshines it’s wearer. Its heft and austerity also make it menacing. Any nigga of reasonable intelligence can surmise with just a cursory glance that this hand is not to be fucked with. Once Jaime mastered command of it, his self confidence improved and he slowly began to embody the toughness the Hand naturally exhibits. So when Jaime, Bron and the Lannister army arrive to Riverrun to confront the Blackfish, I was concerned to find Jaime’s Gold Hand noticeably tarnished in appearance. Gone was the luminosity and sparkle that niggas both fear and respect…this cannot bode well for the King Slayer.
Jaime and Bron get there just in time to see the Frays’ pitiful attempt to intimidate the Blackfish into surrendering the castle. They first hold his nephew, Edmere Tully, hostage with a noose around his neck. When that doesn’t work, they put a knife to his throat. When that doesn’t work, these blockheads call timeout and huddle to formulate another strategy. Jaime and his Hand have seen enough. They approach the Frays and give them a stern talking to- such incompetence will not be tolerated. One of the Fray boys gets all the way the fuck beside himself. This nigga had the nerve to sass Jaime. And then it happens….the shit I have been anxiously anticipating for the better part of two seasons…the Gold Hand raises up and slaps the fuck out of his ass. My God. Did you see how quickly it struck? And with such force too!
Jaime, clearly impressed with his hand’s efficiency, is emboldened to request a parlay with the Blackfish. The Blackfish comes down from the castle’s tower to shoot the shit. Jaime attempts to reason with him. He’d like him to surrender the castle as it now belongs to the Frays. The Blackfish tells that nigga to fuck off. He absolutely has zero intention of giving his home back to anyone. He was born there and he will die there. Jaime acknowledges the challenge and cautions him that should the Blackfish resist, he, his Hand and the entire Lannnister army will be forced to attack and hundreds of the Blackfish’s men will die. The Blackfish is unbothered, retorting that while he may lose hundreds…Jaime will lose thousands. Jaime is visibly flustered. If the Blackfish never intended to be cooperative, why in the fuck did he waste his time with a parlay? It turns out, the Blackfish just wanted to get a good look at this nigga. And after sizing Jaime up, he tells him he is disappointed, then turns on his heels and raises the draw bridge behind him. Jaime is left standing there looking ashamed with his gold, lusterless Hand drooping passively at his side.
PREDICTIONS: Now that they’ve gotten the shit carried out of them by the Blackfish, hopefully Jaime will take better care of his Gold Hand. If Jaime is going to be riding around Westeros charging niggas up in the name of the King he has to present better. There’s no room for deficiencies. Every detail must be carefully scrutinized. It’s one thing to talk a good game, but if you don’t look the part, a real nigga cannot be expected to take you seriously. I highly suggest he send his minion Bron to the local apothecary to pick up a few cotton cloths and swabs along with a mild detergent. Then have that nigga use these materials to clean and polish the Gold Hand until it’s restored to its former radiance. Jaime is going to need to be at 100% to face off against all the enemies his cuntsatchel of a sister created. And he simply cannot be effective with a rusty Hand.
YARA GREYJOY– Only daughter to the late Balon Greyjoy, warrior and commander of the Ironborn ship fleet, claimant to the Salt Throne
After losing the Iron Islands’ general election in a landslide Yara’s sneaky ass slipped away during her uncle’s underwater coronation and made off with the entire fleet of ships! Now she, the men under her command and her brother, Reek the Freak, have docked in Volantis. They’re taking a load off, casually shopping at an open-air pussy market. Everyone seems to having a marvelous time, it’s like Costco in that bitch. The market is filled with free samples and they’re all content to walk around tasting a bit of this and fucking a bit of that…everyone that is, except for Reek. You see, Reek is sulking at the table refusing to take a drink of ale or cop a feel because he doesn’t have a dick. Remember, Reek was the consummate cocksman. His dick slinging skills were well regarded throughout the North. His dick was so extraordinary, that Ramsey felt compelled to take it as a collector’s item. In losing his dick, Reek lost his identity.
But its a good thing he has his big sister around to tell him otherwise. Yara is not here for Reek’s pity party, after all she doesn’t have a dick either and she fully intends to fuck the shit out of one of those hos. Yara sets aside her lust to have a heart to heart with Reek. She basically says listen nigga, if you’re going to remain a sullen, timid, whiny, blowhard then you should take a knife to your wrists and slit them. After all, she can’t have a flop at her side when she tries to fuck Daenerys into helping her take back the Iron Islands. She needs Reek to be Theon Greyjoy again. And Theon needs to be focused, deliberate and confident if they are going to successfully challenge their crazy ass uncle. Theon ponders what she says as he chokes down some ale. And with that, Yara immediately leaves for her next conquest…some Volantian pussy.
PREDICTIONS: Yara and co will definitely make it to Meereen before their uncle does. At the moment that nigga is still foraging every beach, reef and cove in the islands for enough material to construct 1000 ships. Before Yara meets Daenerys, she will have to work on her seduction skills. There is nothing smooth about this bitch, she’s a fucking brute. Daenerys is used to being caked by her lovers. With Ser Jorah off battling a malignant affliction of dermatitis, her primary competition is Daario the Lothario. If Yara wants to contend with that nigga, she has to become well-versed in the art of romance. I suggest she also procure a strap-on crafted from some pleasure inducing material like…Valyrian latex. Then she might have a fair chance to compete for Daenerys’s affection. Good luck Yara!
MANY-FACED GOD– a deity worshiped by a group of shape shifting assassins, commonly known as the God of Death
Drats! The Many-Faced God has finally dealt Arya Stark a lethal blow. After Arya decided to be somebody the Many-Faced God put a hit out on her. Her assailant was none other than that hatin’ ass bitch, the Waif. Arya used the all change she collected from her pan handling days to secure passage on a ship to Westeros the next morning. She was killing time, chilling on a bridge as she gazed out at the sea when she was approached by an old woman. Arya briefly disarmed by the woman’s banal appearance, lets down her guard. And that was her grave fucking mistake. Didn’t Arya learn to never talk to strangers?! Why was she even out and about, roaming the streets of Braavos in plain view? After booking her ticket she should have immediately returned to that cave she was in last week until it was time for her ship to depart. She knows the Many-Faced God is capable of some ill shit. He blinded her last season in retribution for not killing someone! She had to know this time if she ignored his orders, the consequences would be considerably more severe. The Waif stabs Arya in the gut several times and Arya escapes by jumping into the sea. Satisfied that she must be dead when she doesn’t immediately surface, the Waif leaves. Then Arya emerges, paddles to shore and drags herself to safety. We leave with Arya stumbling around disoriented, paranoid and critically wounded. My God.
PREDICTIONS: Arya is in a mother fucking trick bag. Medieval medicine is rudimentary at best and this bitch doesn’t even have a health care provider. I will be honest, I have no idea how she will survive this shit. I only believe she will survive because our boy George will have wasted five seasons on a storyline that will have ended in the most retarded way imaginable. And yet, that nigga is good for killing off characters thought to be essential to the series just because…he can. Best case scenario, Arya gets medical treatment in time to make her ship, leaves Braavos and on her voyage, somehow gets word that her uncle the Blackfish lives and has reclaimed his castle in Riverrun. She will head to Riverrun and finally be reunited with her kinfolk. Also, the Blackfish can finish training Arya. That nigga is reputed to be a master swordsman. And through the Blackfish she can reunite with her siblings Sansa and Jon. Worst case scenario, this bitch dies. Keep Arya in your thoughts and prayers.
SANDOR CLEGANE AKA THE HOUND– Arya Stark’s former companion animal, former sworn sword to the late King Joffrey Baratheon, brother to Gregor Clegane (Cersei’s Frankenknight), lovable mutt
Arya did something you should never do. She no longer wanted the hound as her pet and instead of taking him to the pound, she abandoned him in a field. Many dogs, like the hound, who’ve been abused display aggression and thus aren’t considered adoptable. Thank heavens for the good-natured septon who found the stray, nursed him back to health and provided him with a loving family. As a result, the hound has tempered his aggression and now he is a happy, well adjusted pup. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but the septon is dogged in retraining the hound, reinforcing his positive behaviors and lovingly discouraging the negative ones. But a trio of nefarious vagrants from the Brotherhood Without Banners arrive to the hound’s new home and threaten his owner. While the hound is off playing in the woods, the men make good on their threat. He returns to find that his new family, in its entirety, has been massacred. The hound immediately picks up a hatchet and within a second, the vicious mutt we all grew to know and love returned. I hope the hound finds these niggas and makes them pay.
OLENNA TYRELL– matriarch of House Tyrell, Queen Margery’s grandmother, the richest nigga in Westeros, an old ho, a bitch with a memory as long as her money
>Kudos to Lady Tyrell for putting that wench Cersei Lannister in her place. Finally someone took the time to explain to this bitch why she sucks. After being reassured by her scheming granddaughter that she is still loyal to House Tyrell, Olenna agrees to leave for Highgarden. Cersei’s dumb ass confronts her about leaving, telling her Margery and Loras need her in King’s Landing, surely she won’t abandon them. Olenna searches the folds of that infinitely layered smock she always wears and retrieves her library card. She then proceeds to read this ho for filth. My God. She tells her that her grandchildren were imprisoned because of her, the high sparrow rules the city because of her and their houses are on the verge of ruin because of her and her stupidity. Cersei acknowledges her mistake but says that they need each other. Then Olenna says the funniest shit I have heard all fucking season: “I wonder if you are the worst person I’ve ever met?” Ah ha! She reminds Cersei of the way she smirked at her as her grandchildren were dragged off to their cells, Olenna declares she will never forget that shit. Next, she counts all the ways that Cersei is her lesser and the sum of all those indictments is zero because that’s exactly what Cersei is…a fucking zero. I am in total agreement with Olenna, this loser ass bitch can’t get offed fast enough. Fuck off Cersei!