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Three Possible Reasons Why Online Dating’s Just Not That Into Black People

While a tad disappointing, I can’t say that I was surprised after reading “Love Isn’t Color-Blind: White Online Daters Spurn Blacks” — the Time Magazine piece showing that African-Americans are the redheaded stepchildren of online dating. Based on a study from researchers at The University of California (Berkeley), this article merely reiterated what numerous sources — OKCupid’s “How Race Affects The Messages You Get” for example — have already stated: it just seems like online dating’s just not that into black people.

But, while this phenomenon has inundated us with “Who” and “What” (and a latent sense of “black people just aren’t as attractive as others”-ness), I’m more curious about the “Why,” and I thought of three possible reasons.

1. Black people are just not that into online dating, either

Although the aughts brought with them a beginning to the end of the black community’s ongoing (and silly) tabooization of many dating practices (ie: white male/black female romantic couplings), the stigma attached to online dating remains intact.

Despite our increasingly lascivious love affair with Facebook and Twitter —  and the time we waste, er, spend cultivating that romance – a black person publicly admitting they actually sought out and met a potential romantic partner on the internet is akin to, well, a black person publicly admitting they actually sought out and met a potential romantic partner on the internet. While it’s generally considered to be “cool” if you happened to meet and date someone you happened to first meet online, nothing’s analogous to the level of simultaneous condescension and “wheredeydothatat-ness” admitting you joined a dating site usually receives.

I experienced this first hand a couple weeks ago while talking to Ms. Solomon of The Dating Truth and a few other single sistas at an open mic event. They were musing about the myriad dating difficulties present for black women in Pittsburgh, and when I suggested that online dating might be a reasonable and practical option, they each looked at me as if I suggested they start dating vegan midget pedophiles.

Quoting Ms. Solomon

“You’re not going to find hot guys on dating sites. Why? Cause hot guys are out living life, not sitting at some screen and hoping that some woman is going to think it’s cute that his profile says he likes dogs and Italian food.”

I realize this is anecdotal evidence, and I also realize other races/cultures may hold similar stigmas, but within our community, the mindset exhibited by Ms. Soloman tends to be the rule, not the exception.

Our general reluctance to embrace this part of 21st century life surely affects our success rate when we finally do, a fact leading to…

2.  It’s not about online dating just not being that into black people much as it’s online dating just not being that into the type of black person who’d make this decision

Both the OKCupid and the UC Berkley studies cited data showing that blacks were much more interested in meeting others than vice versa.

From the Berkley study:

“Those who said they were indifferent to the race of a partner were most likely to be young, male and black,” said Gerald Mendelsohn, a UC Berkeley psychologist, professor of graduate studies and lead author of the study, which will soon be submitted for publication.

Overall, he said, “Whites more than blacks, women more than men and old more than young participants stated a preference for a partner of the same race,”

The reluctance of whites to contact blacks was true even for those who claimed they were indifferent to race.  More than 80 percent of the whites contacted whites and fewer than 5 percent of them contacted blacks, a disparity that held for young as well as for older participants.

OKCupid even showed that we’re less interested in meeting each other than we are with meeting others:

Men don’t write black women back. Or rather, they write them back far less often than they should. Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race—including other blacks—singles them out for the cold shoulder.

While this can (and has) been interpreted as proof of a general lack of physical/sexual attraction for black people (and black women in particular), I don’t share that self-defeatist opinion.

Instead I’d argue that — because of our previously cited reluctance to de-stigmatize online dating — the black people who do embrace online dating are probably more likely to embrace it out of desperation, a last option, a final “I need to find someone by any means necessary!!!” salvo. While exceptions definitely exist, people at the end of their dating ropes usually tend to be (thinking of the least offensive way to say this possible) less desirable than those who aren’t, and it’s no surprise that they would encounter some of the same difficulties online they’d usually face while dating traditionally.

Basically, just like pretty girl problems…only the exact opposite.

3. The type of people (black and other) interested in virtual dating and in actually meeting black people might not be found on the sites cited by these studies

Five days from now, approximately 250 to 400 very smart people will descend on Washington D.C. to attend VSB Lounge, Episode 1: Three Deez — an event created, sponsored, promoted, and organized by a website that each of these 250 to 400 very smart people frequent. Books will be signed, Patron shots will be passed, and babies will be conceived in parking lots and bathroom stalls.

And, while the majority of the people planning to attend are probably just hoping to have a good time, the singles in attendance — many of whom would scoff at the idea of joining a dating site — probably wouldn’t mind if they happened to meet a potential mate while there.

My point?

Well, between VSB, high traffic message boards like Okayplayer.com, and even smaller blogs and Facebook groups, there are myriad venues available for black people interested in meeting potential romantic partners; venues that usually don’t require fees and also provide a sense of community, making the virtual approach less stressful and unnerving. These people don’t usually frequent these sites just to troll for mates, but the commonalities present in the community makes them more likely to entertain the possibility of finding a partner.

Also, since OKCupid pulled from their own data and only “major” dating sites were cited by the Cal Berkeley study, both ignore the thousands of black people belonging to sites such as Black Singles and Black People Meet.

Lastly, while the OKCupid study did show that black women were less likely to get contacted than any other race, I’d argue that the type of black person (man or woman) who’s already lukewarm about intra-racial dating is probably more likely to join a site like OkCupid. It’s not that black males who date virtually aren’t into black women, it’s that the black men who are interested in sistas can probably be found somewhere else. I’d imagine that if you asked black men in Irish pubs in Boston and black men in Baltimore IHOPs to share their thoughts about black women, the results might be a little different.

When you add these factors together, you can make the case that it’s not so much “the concept of online dating’s usually just not that into black people” but “predominately white dating websites usually just aren’t that into black people” – still not surprising, but much less disappointing and pessimistic.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m curious: How do you feel about online dating? Would you consider joining a dating site or physically meeting a person you grew fond of on a site like VSB?

Also, can you think of any other reasons why this taboo exists?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

Filed Under: ,
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://heardhimsay.com Drew-Shane

    I think dating tends to be a market that really doesn’t target Blacks. Why would they spend money trying to reach a demographic who’s not interested? The commercials and marketing tactics are getting really cheesy now. BlackPeopleMeet? BlackChristians? Maybe that is supposed to entice a sister or brother to join.

    I don’t think I would join a dating site. No need. I have Facebook and Twitter–

    • LA Red

      Facebook is the new club. Instead of getting dressed up and spending money on getting fly, you can flirt in your pj’s.

    • http://kineticculture.com NubianEmpress

      but clearly blacks are interested in meeting someone, or else there wouldn’t be all this no-single-black-men-for-successful-sistas meme that will not die.

      If I ever was tryna find a boo, I would go on Tom Joyner’s Cruise and find me an old man.

      Word.Life.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Why would they spend money trying to reach a demographic who’s not interested?”

      thats the thing: as the non-nubian empress mentions below, we definitely are very interested in meeting people, and that’s really all online dating is

      • http://www.facebook.com/DrPhoenyx Dr. Phoenyx

        I noticed something really interesting when I tired online dating ( a free site, btw). I constantly got contacted by Black men, as well as other races. But interestingly enough, most of the men (even the Black men) mentioned in their profile that they we ONLY interested in “White, Hispanic, Indian women, etc.” Basically, they named off EVERY race of women, except for Black women. But then these same men contacted me. LOL. On the few dates that I went on, the guys even admitted that they were typically not attracted to Black women because of our attitudes, looks, etc. But then they still contacted me, with my big afro and all. It just goes to show that alot of racial stereotypes about Black people, especially Black women, are alive and well online. I think this is why Black people may not get too much love on online dating sites.

        • nillalatte

          Funny. I got just the opposite from an Asian man I was quite attracted to and he was apparently attracted to me. He put on his profile that he liked Black, Hispanic and Asian women not mentioning White at all. Yet, we had this cerebral coital thing going on for a while.

          A black female friend of mine surprised me when she told me her now husband and she met on Craigslist! It was interesting listening to her describe how they both reassured each other they were Black before meeting. :)

          For me, it’s really not about the ethnicity, but the person you are. You know, the content of character. :)

      • http://kineticculture.com NubianEmpress

        Champ,

        Don’t come at the thrown…it’s not a game.

  • ImJusSayin

    This is interesting. I know this is a taboo but I have no clue why. I have been secretly on an online dating site for about a yr. Ive had some great and not so great dates. But it’s fun and an easy way to get to know people. I have met some very cute black men, with degrees and no children and all their teeth! *gasp* I know… lol. But when I go out on dates and one of my friends ask where I met him, honestly I lie and say I met him out somewhere. I already know their all judgmental eyes would pop out if I said I met him online.But why? At least I’m dating right? Maybe because black people in general have had a shorter history with the internet so some things are still taboo, or black people are just so damn judgemental and uptight sometimes… I dunno.

    But online is cool for me, I get men all the time tryin to holla at me when I’m out but the online aspect lets you read something about that person, like their representative comes out instead of the oh so lovely “AY GURL!!!”. I also have a demanding job and I’m in grad school so this helps out with time constraints. I think we should step outside of the box, you never know who you’ll find…

    • DQ

      LOL, something about the internet just implies “desperation” even when there’s no desperation or maybe it implies some sort of social ineptitude. I have met people from messageboards not specifically designed for dating and when asked I still came up with a story of how I met them that didn’t involve the internet. Go figure.

      • ImJusSayin

        Yea… honestly for me i’m just being a lazy dater lol. But yea people do automatically think that you must be desperate or have mild touch of asperger’s or something. I did tell one of my friends about it, she was suprised because when we go out guys try to talk to me all the time so she didn’t think I “needed” to look online. I don’t think I “need” to, I just think it’s another tool. Especially since us black womens gots it sooo tuff! LOL, need all the sources I can get apparently.

      • Mo-VSS

        It doesn’t imply that someone is desperate. It just implies that they are using a different medium to meet people. I don’t necessarily think it’s bad. I did it. Mostly because I had a job that moved me from city to city every 3-6 months. It was easier to meet folks, weed them out and spend my free time with folks I actually knew I had something in common with. It was time efficient and let me “screen” folks before I wasted my valuable free time trying to come up with something to say to a man who looks good but is all wrong for me.

        So, from that aspect, it worked out for me. Again, not sure if I’d do it again as I’m in a place and settled for a bit and can go out and meet folks. I have more time now, as opposed to when I dated online. That’s the difference for me.

        • DQ

          IMO the internet used to be the last safe haven for the socially awkward, inept, and outcasts to establish tangible relationships. Logically speaking, I agree with your position, just because you use the internet to meet people doesn’t mean you were any of the above, but the perception has been (in the past) that folks used the internet did so because they had no other choice. Thus the implication of desperation (even when it wasn’t the case)

          • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

            i agree.

            esp if u think back to a decades ago when AOL was popular (yikes!) i think we all knew/know ppl who use(d) the ‘nets to reinvent themselves–uber cool and confident on screen… but in person?? total L7 #LOSER!

            • DQ

              I’ve always been fascinated by the digital re-inventions. They made sense to me as long as you weren’t going to meet the person. But people would always want to take it to the next level… including the people that basically lied about or mispresented everything about themselves.

              In my mind I was always like, “so how exactly do you think this is gonna go down? I mean you posted a picture from yourself 10 years ago, you haven’t accomplished half of what you implied you accomplished, and you are not real-time funny or witty. What’s gonna happen when the other person sees the real you? You think they’re not going to be p!55ed?

              Or are you hoping that they were lying about themselves to you too?”

              • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

                LOL exactly!!!! some ppl just dont think their lies all the way through, apparently *smh*

        • http://www.gravatar.com/avatar/2c55fb22ab4d433dc3fb875db79c619d.png insertwittyacronym

          “It doesn’t imply that someone is desperate. It just implies that they are using a different medium to meet people”…as someone who has tried the “major” dating sites i completely agree with this statement. i live in the bay area and i know lots of ppl who meet online who are either dating, engaged, or married. i too dated plenty of interesting, educated men that i would not of otherwise met. i used the profiles to determine initial interest, emails/phone calls to screen, then the intro (coffee) date in a safe/neutral location. my advice for anyone who is interested in using the online media as a dating option is thus: log onto to the site (or free intro trial), search for your ideal criteria, if you can’t find at least 5 gents that you wanna contact, log out and choose another site.

          • SuiteSOULbrotha

            @insertwittyacronym: I enjoyed reading your input. I, too, am from the Bay area and now am now living in Louisiana. What I have found in my travels and relocations is that WE(People of Color)are still not very computer literate. This state(LA)is probably the most illiterate of the 52. Especially among Blacks. That alone is a factor for why there isn’t much Internet Dating in our community. You have to know how to read, spell, type, and utilize basic keyboarding functions. Sadly a great deal of our community is still left out because of an inability to do so. Now having said this… I would like everyone that is reading to consider this and to repeat it in future conversations about Internet Dating… and that is…

            1)The Internet is like a Free Night Club/Bar/Disco. How many of us have the time and the income resources to entertain ourselves daily in a Night Club/Bar/Disco?

            2)The Internet is no different than any other medium used to get to know and to meet people. It’s no different than using Church, School, Work, Concert/Athletic Events/, SuperMarket/Mall, or Newspaper/Magazine Ads. It’s just another and more modern medium for making social contacts.

            3)Even for the most extroverted/outgoing personalities… not many have the oppurtunity to approach a different person of interest on a daily basis… much less to approach several to dozens to almost hundreds of persons of interest on a daily basis. This is the freedom and access that Internet Dating provides to those that are Intellectually gifted to use it so.

            4)Those who are self assured and confident enough to acknowledge in REAL LIFE that they use the Internet for Dating are also those are who confident enough to post accurate pictures of themselves online and those whose profiles are typically honest and reflective of the REAL LIFE person on the other end.

            I think there are more than enough social sites out there to suggest that Black folk are dating online too and are not ashamed of it. Also the majority of people that use the Internet for Dating have profiles at more than one site and among Black Internet users… most are also at sites that cross all social and economic demographics.

            I LOVE WOMEN… so I’m anywhere and everywhere that I can get on and interact with them freely.

            • http://lizburr.com Liz

              *vsb glitter*

            • http://nonaseven7.wordpress.com Nona

              I couldnt agree with you more! I participate in online dating because I am so busy that my schedule doesnt allow me the opportunity to meet men as much as I would like to. Also when I do get out, I really am not interested in meeting men at the club, or bar who are too drunk to remember anything we spoke about the night before. I think it takes a lot of confidence to venture into the online dating sector; and if you’re real about who you are and what you stand for…..you will meet someone who is real as well.

              I am not ashamed to admit to this; there are just a lot of people who are so closed up and so use to traditional ideals that they cannot fathom opening up to new, innovative practices when it comes to dating.

              Furthermore, it costs nothing most of the time!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “Maybe because black people in general have had a shorter history with the internet so some things are still taboo, or black people are just so damn judgemental and uptight sometimes… I dunno.”

      along with the desperation factor mentioned in this thread, i also think many of us tend to be stuck on the “traditional” way of meeting people — church, the club, you boyfriend’s facebook page, etc — instead of adapting

      • Shelby

        “i also think many of us tend to be stuck on the “traditional” way of meeting people” – Cosign! What I found is that even though I signed up for this non-traditional way of meeting people with online dating, I was still stuck in the traditional mindframe of waiting for guys to reach out to me on the site! #epicfail

        When I finally realized that other women were much more aggressive and I starting messaging guys first, I had a lot more success…except I let my subscription expire…

    • http://acceptonlythebest.blogspot.com TTBougie

      Bingo!
      “Maybe because black people in general have had a shorter history with the internet so some things are still taboo, or black people are just so damn judgemental and uptight sometimes… I dunno.”
      I agree with you 100%. White folks honestly don’t care. My white friends will tell you in a heartbeat that they met their sig o online. We’re the ones putting our judgey pants on and pointing fingers. Live and let live. Its not for everyone.
      Personally, I lucked out. I was on Match.com for a week. I went on 1 bad date, talked to several losers, but then met my current boyfriend.
      Why did I go online? Because I got tired of going out and meeting knuckleheads. I was getting all dolled up, turning on the charm, exchanging numbers with a jerk and then setting myself up for a bad date later. After several years of doing this, I said, “Eff it. Innanet, here I is!” Have I met some “interesting” men? Yup. But you can meet those anywhere. Simply putting your name and picture online doesn’t automatically turn you into a crazy.
      I found that I was able to be selective about what I wanted. What I ended up with is a loving, caring man who would do anything for me. Oh, and he’s white. I asked him if he would have paid me any attention had we not met on Match. He said he certainly would have, but may not have had the balls to come up to me and pursue me. So Match was a good thing.
      Also, its about time. I am a grad student working full time. Online was convenient for me.

      • WIP

        Your story is similar to mine and I agree, like I mentioned downthread, I think minorities tend to lag behind technological advances. That’s a big generalization, but I hear more black people talk about having an uneasiness about doing things online like banking and paying bills. Some of us even still associate computer use with nerdiness. It’s just that old school thinking that takes some time to even out. I don’t think it’s limited to black people either; I think everyone was skeptical about online dating during it’s early days.

        • keisha brown

          funny enough though..blackplanet was one of the first social networking/online dating sites when you think about it.

          • Tentpole

            Correction Blackvoices was first

  • Sierra

    That was a very interesting article. I briefly tried online dating. I’ve always wondered about the interest of the people on online dating sites. I too thought that they were only interested in women outside of the African American race, which has made me look negatively on them (online dating sties). But I’ve only looked at EHarmony and Match.Com. The men on there only were interested in everything ELSE. You only see about one out of ten men that had an interest in African American women. That’s why I lost faith in those things. I will just stick to the traditional way of finding a mate, which is outside of the world wide web.

    I thought I was the only one feeling that way. Glad to see that I’m not.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I will just stick to the traditional way of finding a mate, which is outside of the world wide web.”

      it’s even worse off-line. only one in 27 brothas are interested in dating sistas

      • Mary Jane

        lol damn. yall want black women to die out or something?

        this is my mind going on a tangent, but i wonder what the world would be like if there were no black women….

        • coldsweat3

          1 in 27, really was this a pew study? LOL

          I really think that as a black man with SOOO many available black women and the black men who have degrees it would be a failry hard sell to say your online dating. Since there are so few of us(allegedly) it seems a little weird if one of my educated boys was on a internet site looking for a sistah when he can walk down the street with an alumni shirt and get the same result.

        • Medium Meech

          I think the lip gloss industry would suffer. There wouldn’t be as many bald headed women in India. People would think that Luke videos were artistic statements about materialism becuase he would be throwing money and glasses of champagne on empty stages and random swimming pools.

          The net worth of the average Korean American family would be cut in half between the loss in revenue from nail shops, corner stores and hair care stores. Celine Dion would be considered the greatest singer of all time. Strangely enough, they wouldn’t have had to make too many big changes to “The Wire”.

          • Sam (‘s a girl)

            wow. if that’s the consensus view, it’s no wonder only 1 in 27 black men are interested in black women.

            • Medium Meech

              That’s what you took from that? I guess people don’t develop a sense of humor until Wednesday.

              • resIpsa

                true. and in a world without black women, there wouldn’t be any Madea or SheNeNe archetypes.
                then again, there’d be no big @zzes.
                nah, we need a world with big @zzes that’d “swallow up a g-string.”

        • LuvRain

          White, Latina, Asian, and other women would have to go back to being attracted to and loving their own men because, you know, black women give birth to black boys and with no us, there’s no them. No black women = no black PEOPLE.

          I thank god we’re not all in the US and Europe cause that may be a possibility if that was the case…

  • Leila

    I’ve never done online dating, but I know a lot of other people who have because they have no luck dating or are too busy to go out and meet people. It seems to work for them. I have the stereotype that desperate people do online dating, but my friends have met good people. I might try in the future, who knows but right now I’m prefer meeting guys in person…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      are your friends desperate?

      • Leila

        Lol! Nah just real busy…

  • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

    someone suggested i do it last year and i immediately thought “helllllll nooooo” … but after a few examples of some “happily ever afters” and some prodding I went on match.com …

    turns out most of the men weren’t exactly lookers … most of the messages i received i completely ignored (from creepy 44 yr old men or profiles that actually had words like “cutie with a booty” in them).

    the decent looking ones just seem to be using match to look for hook ups.

    i only met two in person. first = no spark. second = got “busy” cause i hadn’t given it up by date # 4.

    i did not renew my membership and wont be joining ever again. i’ll stick to meeting men the old-fashioned way … random luck lol

    • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

      oh and okcupid can kiss my *ss. i was on that site FOR A DAY (cause it’s free unlike match.com) and i got a message from some white guy with spikey hair asking me if i wanted to be his first black girl. -___________- (and some other vulgar things i wont repeat)

      • kamakula

        Yikes, you must quickly run out of places to hang out if you boycott them the first time some idiot opens their mouth to you.

        • http://twitter.com/urbups Hustlin While Preppy

          Yeah what if you gave up on meeting dudes in the real world the second time you got no sparks on a date or the time some dude tried to ****get them drawers**** a little too early? You’d have stopped dating at 15! Ahm just saying…..online is a tool to screen mofos in addition to meeting folk in the real world.

          • http://Fatgrlatheart.com Fatgrlatheart

            I never said I gave up on meeting men. I just didn’t see the point in paying money for a site where only two of the many messages turned into anyone I wanted to meet. I have no problem “screening” people for free but I continued using match all 3 months even though those dates were all in the first few weeks. But I didn’t see it’s value once I gave it a full 3 months as being worth the membership fee.

            • http://fatgrlatheart.com fatgrlatheart

              and im not saying there isn’t an idiot everywhere but the message on okcupid made me see i didnt have time to monitor more than one site at a time because match.com was pretty time-consuming.

              i’m just saying im perfectly ok with meeting or not meeting men in person, whenever whenever that may happen. i dont care for the online experience per se because of the effort involved in trying to find a decent well-adjusted man amongst the not-so-eligible bachelors.

              i dont regret trying it. and i had a few great dates. but not better results than meeting men for free in real life, hence not worth my money. (i didnt leave because of lack of spark or whatever)

            • Dee

              ok cupid is free?

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        I can usually spot the “curiousity” seekers because they’ll make some reference to my skin color or race like “I love your beautiful brown skin” or “I like your ethnic hair” or “This white boy loves sisters” etc….really? Be gone!

        • Dee

          I hate that….but I’m embarrassed to admit that in one of my current situations, I’ve told the guy a couple of times that his skin tone really turns me on…he’s got a real nice milky complexion. Am I fetishizing his color?! Say it isn’t so…..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “turns out most of the men weren’t exactly lookers … most of the messages i received i completely ignored (from creepy 44 yr old men or profiles that actually had words like “cutie with a booty” in them).

      the decent looking ones just seem to be using match to look for hook ups.

      i only met two in person. first = no spark. second = got “busy” cause i hadn’t given it up by date # 4.”

      thing is, doesn’t the exact same thing happen to women who meet men offline? (get approached by undesirable men, and the couple desirable ones who do approach have certain expectations?)

      • http://Fatgrlatheart.com Fatgrlatheart

        Exactly. Which is fine but I don’t have to pay for it lol

        • keisha brown

          exactly.
          im here witchu >><<

  • Hawaii

    “Books will be signed, Patron shots will be passed, and babies will be conceived in parking lots and bathroom stalls.”

    Oh lawd! Please y’all… if IT is to go down, have your protection and your Plan B readily available.

    “Also, since OKCupid pulled from their own data and only “major” dating sites were cited by the Cal Berkeley study, both ignore the thousands of black people belonging to sites such as Black Singles and Black People Meet.

    LOL! Exactly.

    Hmmph. Wish I could attend on April 2nd. :(

    • http://twitter.com/#!/legitimate_soul legitimate_soul

      Hmmph. Wish I could attend on April 2nd.

      ^Me too! :( I hope future events come up with a chance to interact with the VS Fam.

      • Hawaii

        Same here. I’m sure there will be. I mean, I really have faith that a VSB summer BBQ will be going down. I want to watch PJ & Champ meet. I have this imagery in my head of it being very similar to the show where adults meet their parents that gave them up for adoption or they just never met their real parents for whatever reason OR like seeing a long lost friend after like 20 years of trying to find them and you’re sitting there watching with the one tear rolling down your face…. yeah. LOL!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I have this imagery in my head of it being very similar to the show where adults meet their parents that gave them up for adoption or they just never met their real parents for whatever reason OR like seeing a long lost friend after like 20 years of trying to find them and you’re sitting there watching with the one tear rolling down your face…. yeah. LOL!”

          no

        • V Renee

          *snickering*

          Just that one tear huh? :lol:

          • Naomi

            haha I call that the “Janet Jackson cry”

  • DQ

    I used to think that there were 2 places you would never meet your significant other:

    The Strip Club
    The Internet

    People have proven me wrong about both counts.

    • CurlyTop

      Strip club? Share that story tho.
      Iunno been to the strip clubs in Miami and nah dawg.

      • DQ

        It was actually a couple of episodes on G-String Divas (on HBO). A couple of the dudes met a dancer and started up a relationship with them.

        In one instance the dude was just a Captain. Buying the girl all sorts of stuff, being her number 1 customer, even paid for her bQQb job. And even though he had it, it was STILL tricking in my eyes. She ended up cutting him off once she got all she could reasonably get.

        The other dude just had a staight up relationship with the chick. He would come to the club to see her dance (which I don’t know how he could do it) and leave with her.

        If you had asked me before that t.v. series, I would’ve sworn that dudes that go to the strip club know “the game”. You are paying for entertainment, it’s not real. But I guess if a shorty gets you open, she gets you open.

        • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

          lmao @ your source being HBO’s G-String Divas!!!

          and yes, its still trickin if ya got it and givin it to strippers *smh*

          • DQ

            Wait a minute? Tippin’ is trickin’? Naw I can’t abide that.

            I mean the stripper is doing her job. If I pay her to dance for me, she is rendering service in exchange for payment. I’m getting the entertainment I paid for. :)

            It’s trickin’ when you do it, and it wasn’t requested, and you’re just hoping to get something back in exchange (like buying a $trr!per a BQQB job and you don’t even get to $uck them – what part of the game is that?)

            • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem of the Ocean

              i was referring to the things mentioned in your 2nd paragraph as tricking.

    • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

      or Fetish Fest. You never know.

      • DQ

        Are we speaking from experience here? :)

      • Caballeroso

        *Adding Fetish Fest to list of research topics to Google from home, not work.*

  • Kamala Jones

    Great article!! But, I take umbrage with one assertion you (Champ) made.

    “Instead I’d argue that — because of our previously cited reluctance to de-stigmatize online dating — the black people who do embrace online dating are probably more likely to embrace it out of desperation, a last option, a final “I need to find someone by any means necessary!!!” salvo. While exceptions definitely exist, people at the end of their dating ropes usually tend to be (thinking of the least offensive way to say this possible) less desirable than those who aren’t, and it’s no surprise that they would encounter some of the same difficulties online they’d usually face while dating traditionally.

    Basically, just like pretty girl problems…only the exact opposite.”

    I can say for myself that (and maybe some other Black men) it may not be whether we’re desirable or not but rather we’re likely to find more educated, common sense Black folks including Black women on a site like VSB or facebook instead of traversing the dating scene in many cities across the U.S. I live in Baton Rouge, LA FOR NOW (and you can ask Panama about it) and this isn’t the place to meet seemingly to meet more than a handful of progressive Blacks. I’m trying to miss as many hoodrats as possible.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I can say for myself that (and maybe some other Black men) it may not be whether we’re desirable or not but rather we’re likely to find more educated, common sense Black folks including Black women on a site like VSB or facebook instead of traversing the dating scene in many cities across the U.S”

      you may be an exception, but I still maintain that this “the black people who do embrace online dating are probably more likely to embrace it out of desperation” is true for many (if not most)

      • Kamala Jones

        I can’t argue with that assertion. I hope to party with you all in DC!! Take care.

      • SororSalsa

        I can only speak from personal experience, but I met my ex-boyfriend on Match.com and we dated for over a year. I’ve found many attractive brothas on Match, and they were looking for black women. It’s true that I get very few messages from white men, but I’m not desperately seeking them, so it doesn’t really matter to me.

        In the time I’ve been on Match (2 years off and on), I can say that I’ve never met an undesirable guy. Even if there wasn’t chemistry, the guys I met and went on dates with were nice, educated brothas who did not reek of even a hint of desperation. I look at online dating sites as a way to meet those folks that you’d never run across in day to day life. When you busy with work, school, etc. you just don’t have the time to meet a lot of new people.

        I sometimes wonder where are these unattractive “desperate” types are, because I don’t seem to run across them.

    • TWIsM81

      I’ll cosign this statement 1000%. Born and raised in New Orleans and spent 4 years at LSU (so I knew about #TigerBlood and #Winning Waaaaay before Charlie Sheen). Baton Rouge (and Louisiana in general) was great for going to college but it’s no coincidence I got the hell out. It’ll always be home, but it’s not where I’m trying to be.

      • Kamala Jones

        Hello TWIsM81! I’m born and raised in Baton Rouge and I’m a LSU alum as well. We’re definitely on the same frequency. I tell folks all the time south Louisiana is just a different animal.

        • LSQ

          but is there any other better place?
          food – no
          weather – ok, cali is better
          people – hit and miss where eva ya go unless you move to canada
          jobs/career – um, yea, nothing to do there, so yea that.
          politics – lots ah dat!
          sports – yep!
          and mega churches (the original) – what more could you want?

          • TWIsM81

            What’s up, LSQ. Man, didn’t know there were so many Tigers roaming around VSB. Hands down… the food in southern LA is IT. No matter where you go, it’s just not quite Louisiana food. However, as far as people are concerned, it depends on what you’re looking for. As far as large numbers of young, upwardly mobile, progressive Black people… BR and NOLA aren’t at the top of my list. Now granted, they’re better than Phoenix was, and by no means am I saying that they’re aren’t any there (’cause chances are we probably know many of the same people). But the thing that bothered me the most of LA, at least NOLA, is the fact that there’s a ceiling affect there. If you, or your family, aren’t/weren’t already established then you won’t ever really break through to the next level (from a wealth building perspective).

            @Kamala
            I’ve had the south LA conversation with so many people. I tell them there’s a Mason/Dixie line and then there’s the “You’re so far south, you’re not in THE south anymore” line.

    • SuiteSOULbrotha

      Kamala Jones… Right On… RIGHT ON!!! Look long enough and you will always find someone else walking the same path. I’m in Baton Rouge, LA also and I enthusiasticly appluad what you said about the Market Availability for Quality Prospects here. It’s Tragic.

      To those here that are trying to give off the false impression that their extra-personal skills in the REAL WORLD lend them to a wider social circle than would be experienced online…

      None of you are so attractive, extroverted/outgoing, and interesting that you are approaching several persons of interest on a daily basis in the REAL WORLD. Certainly there are None of you that are so attractive, extroverted/outgoing, and interesting that you are being approached by several persons of interest on a daily basis. The Internet is simply what you make of it as is any other social medium. If you get scraps and rejected online chances are more than likely that you get just as many scraps and often rejected in the REAL WoRLD. You are probably totally invisible to those looking for prospective partners.

      Noone here has the means to go to NightClubs/Bars/Discos on a daily basis. Everyone that is Intellectually capable can and do utilize the Internet and all of it’s FREE social arenas. If you are not on board… GET ON BOARD.

      STOP FRONTIN'(wink, wink, lol, smile)

  • Mo-VSS

    Black people meet was something that I tried and I actually got into a long term relationship from it. The site itself was cool. Just like in “real life”, you can meet some good and not so good people online. It’s just about safety though. Making sure you meet that person in a public place with a friend or group of friends, and honestly do a background search on that person too. It may sound overboard but it’s not the same as meeting someone in person. And while a person to person meeting can illicit some crazy fools too, the internet is known for folks perpetrating.

    Overall, I enjoyed the experience and I wouldn’t trade it. It wouldn’t be my first choice in the dating game, but I’m open to it again if the situation presents itself. The reason I wouldn’t is because I can read someone better in person. And, while I ended up enjoying the person I was with, I would never had dated him if I wouldn’t have befriended him online first. That’s not a bad thing necessarily, but in the end, it turned out differences do not attract and hold long term.

    But, the stigma of online dating shouldn’t be there. It’s just another form of meeting folks and doesn’t (at least not to me) designate that someone is out of options or desperate.

    • http://www.shift88.com/cha SpottieOttieDarlin

      Mo,

      Very interesting. I think people need to read more stories like this. I’ve had friends/family check out BPM and they didn’t have good experiences. I think that contributes to the stigma about online dating. I think a lot of people are ashamed to say that they met someone online. It’s good that you’re not ashamed and that you can attest to how meeting someone this way was beneficial to you.

      I still don’t think it’s for me, but maybe one day I’ll have a different opinion.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      That’s not a bad thing necessarily, but in the end, it turned out differences do not attract and hold long term.

      what kind of differences?

      • Mo-VSS

        Champ,

        He was outside of the norm of what I’d usually go for. He wasn’t as tall as I’d like (which is superficial, I know) but the major thing was he was divorced with a kid. Now, that’s not the end all, be all of worst case scenarios. It was just something I wasn’t used to dealing with. We dated and him being divorced with a kid wasn’t the issue. His parenting style and mismanaging of his finances and trying to blame it on his ex was the big issue. There was a lot more to it, but I feel like if I had met him in person and gotten to know him that way instead of over the phone, I could have picked up on traits that I knew wouldn’t match my long term outlook much quicker.

        Having that situation under my belt taught me something about online dating and if I ever did it again, I’d take the situaiton a lot slower.

  • http://www.twitter.com/hipployta Hipployta

    You know it occurs to me that this statement may be kind of backwards but….I’ll pay thousands of dollars for shoes but I will not spend one cent on an online dating site.

    You can meet people some many ways online and IRL that I just can’t see myself paying for the pleasure of a bad date (and a good one…who knows).

    If it was free I might join.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “You know it occurs to me that this statement may be kind of backwards but….I’ll pay thousands of dollars for shoes but I will not spend one cent on an online dating site.”

      i need to see these thousand dollar shoes. do they give you o’s every time you rock them or something?

      • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        Yes. Although it’s been years since I dropped big money on shoes, (I’m a mom and can’t justify that expense), I can tell you that the right shoe gives you a “Queen” like feeling…especially if you wear during s.ex…you can get to the O faster.

        It’s been scientificly proven.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “especially if you wear during s.ex…you can get to the O faster.
          It’s been scientificly proven.”

          there may be some truth to this. I’ve found myself having more intense o’s when i keep my socks on

          • V Renee

            I’ve found myself having more intense o’s when i keep my socks on .

            Warm feet actually does lead to more intense o’s.

            http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4111360.stm

            • keisha brown

              dead at this WHOLE ENTIRE THREAD OF CONVO.
              incl the scientific proof.

        • http://twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

          Wow….*scientifically

          stoopid lol

    • JustForToday

      OKCupid.com