Featured, Theory & Essay

This Sorority Recruitment Video Is The Scariest Fucking Thing I’ve Ever Seen And Will Give You Nightmares

There really isn’t much I can say to describe the sublime horror captured on this video. Except perhaps that it’s all there. In 39 seconds of film, the University of Texas’s Alpha Delta Pi chapter somehow managed to incorporate every element of every nightmare I’ve ever had.

There’s the preternaturally and eerily chipper voices. Like a three-headed, cheesing succubus luring you into an inescapable hellpit with promises of fellowship and messy fellatio and messier grits. There’s the foreshadowing. The latent sense of impending doom. You know that your death — slow, agonizing, and stupid — lurks behind that door. That, once that door opens, you’ll be torn from spleen to skin and forced to transcribe Desiigner “lyrics” and eat beets injected with curdled cottage goat cheese for eternity. That behind that door exists a finally finished version of Frank Ocean’s Boys Don’t Cry. But once you cross the threshold your ears will be sheared off and you won’t be able to listen.

But…you still wish to open it. You still desire to see what’s behind there. And even if you didn’t desire to open that door, there’s some indeterminable demon force urging you to do it. Perhaps it’s the devil. Or a suspiciously ambitious Soul Cycle instructor. You have no control. No agency. That door is going to fucking open, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

And then that door opens. And then you see it. The beast. The incubus. The bleached blonde leviathan. Its eyes endless. Its teeth ready and sharpened through years of biting through raw kale and farm-raised salmon. Its tentacles perpetual and hairless and covered in Spanx. Its reek of Bath and Body Works Cucumber Melon Body Spray and privilege permeating your nostrils and constricting your esophagus. It engulfs you whole. And you die, suffocated by the Girls Gone Orge’s lecherous and irrepressible jolliness. Which means you just died the dumbest death anyone has ever died. A death so dumb your loved ones throw tomatoes at your casket.

And then you wake up.

Sweet dreams.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • HoobaStankyLeg

    Well, this was unnerving….

  • tgtaggie
    • Damon Young

      no kyrie slander shall exist on vsb

      • brothaskeeper

        Is it slander if it’s kinda true?

        • Niecy

          C’mon man. Y’all gotta leave my boy Kyrie alone. He helped bring the championship to us. We don’t have to keep reliving his Snowflake Sailing Soiree.

          • brothaskeeper

            Kyrie’s fave movie: White Chicks *snicker*

            • troubleman

              I thought it was Snow White…

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Now if you would have said Kappas………

      • SororSalsa

        You know Kyrie saw that video and thought they were inviting him to the chapter BBQ.

    • RaeNBow

      hehehehe

    • Hahahahaha

    • NICUGRAD

      He said if it anit snowing he anit going! #allin #gocavs #justakidfromakron

    • Courtney Wheeler

      Someone else’s “yuck” is someone else’s “yum”

    • miss t-lee

      *crying*

    • Beauty In Truth

      Yeah him and all the rest of his “Negro League” friends.

    • Kyrie is at home watching this, devastated that he missed out on all those wyt wimmenz.

    • Brother Mouzone

      So would RG III, and Tagga Woods..lol

      • LadyJay?

        They can have RG III he fugly.

        • MsKeisha23

          ole gator mouthed so n so

          • brothaskeeper

            Why he gotta be gator moufed? ?

  • RhetoricalReverie

    Initially, I didn’t understand why this is a post but that really annoyed the hayle out of me. Or maybe I’m confused? I don’t know. I just want my 39 seconds back, man.

  • A.G.

    Those girls are clones. Seriously. I can’t tell them apart.

    I wonder what being a token in that type of environment is like.

    • Dee

      IKR…

    • NonyaB

      For real, I had a moment where I wondered whether even they could tell themselves apart! Talk about self-selection.

      • Lea Thrace

        I guarantee there are at least 5 Kylies, 3 Taylors, and 6 Ashlees in that group. All spelled with various sprinklings on i’s and e’s

        • RaeRae

          Don’t forget Brittany, Britney, Britknee, and Britni. I bet there is a few Katies. I work at a high school where there are close to 2,600 students and 126 of them are Black. There are tons a girls named Katie, Taylor, and Emily (different spellings). The next time someone tries to jump bad about how WE spell names…tell them about the child named Eighmee (Amy)

          • Jennifer

            Hahahahaha!!!

        • Brother Mouzone

          No Meghan?

    • La Bandita

      There’s an Asian girl on the bottom right.

  • ALM247

    Are we making this worse by giving them free views?

    Going viral might encourage the making of more videos…..

  • Lisa Necole

    It’s like every creepy white girl movie – Like are they going to turn into the exorcism of emily rose, scream… what?

    • brothaskeeper

      “…….come play with us……”

      • miss t-lee

        You broke out the original Damian?

        • Kylroy

          Nah, it’s the kid from The Shining.

          • miss t-lee

            Ahhhh!!!

        • brothaskeeper

          That was from The Shining. I remember because I watched it when I was 7. I was scared sh!tless.

          • miss t-lee

            The Omen was the movie that scared me when I was a kid. The music alone was enough to do it…lol

            • Tambra

              I love horrors growing up. I remember critters were pretty creepy, the other day I watched it again and laughed right through.

              • miss t-lee

                Those didn’t scare me…lol
                I’ve always liked the psychological thrillers. Even til this day.

                • Tambra

                  Once it was a horror movie I was game. I devoured Stephen King back in the day.

            • Kas

              I still yet watched the original of Night of the Living Dead all the way through.

              • Tambra

                It’s not that bad. I used to love a good vampire movie. Not the Twilight version though. Sparkly vampires are wrong on so many levels.

                Btw, I was reading that Zombies are just an appropriation of Haitian culture.

  • brothaskeeper

    The door opened, and I felt a rush of middle management, darthbeckyness, lesbian experimentation, and the overwhelming sense that collectively they all had the same one Black friend (who’s actually mixed, but in the ballpark = home run).

  • Other_guy13
  • Aly

    There’s so many of them *shudders*

    • Lea Thrace

      That was my EXACT thought.

      That video is truly the stuff of nightmares. And not because they are white. But because they are all clones and in sync and that just freaks me the heck out.

      • Aly

        Stepford wives in the making.

        • NonyaB

          #Truth

    • EBreezy

      Imagine having to be the sole black graduate assistant who’s responsible for “assisting” them in their rush process?? Imagine being SURROUNDED by 800 of these women (no lie, 800+) and those “interested” in being chosen for a particular “house” (because they basically choose what organization they want to be in by how nice the chapter house is)?? 800+ I said!!!

      Such was life when I “sold a little bit of my soul” to have an assistantship that paid for my full tuition and housing at a PWI – as the only black grad assistant that went to an HBCU for undergrad and pledged a black Greek letter org, in the entire department of Fraternity & Sorority Life. I didn’t even know this type of horror existed on such a mass scale until that moment…

      I wonder if not having graduate student loan debt was worth it.
      Cuz honestly I ain’t been right since… #reallifehorrorstory

      • Aly

        800?? Oh my, you poor thing *hugs* Being free from student debt must be great, though!

        • EBreezy

          Well…just grad school. HU still got me for undergrad. Lol But I feel like that was money well spent, honestly. I can’t imagine going into debt for school if I had to undergo negative experience after negative experience. I was “older” when I went back for my degree, but I can’t imagine how black & brown students got through similar experiences at a mere 17 yrs of age.

          And realize that with 800+ of these women running around and being one of very very VERY few black women present, microaggressions ran rampant.

          I can deal with a few…but 800+…. I was either ready to go or ready to go off constantly.

          • The_LG

            I see you HU fam ;)

            • EBreezy

              HU…you know! ?

          • DebKII

            lol i made your avatar…so funny to see in these comment boards

            • EBreezy

              Heeeeey!! Your avi is on my phone too! Awesome work! ?

      • Bah Debo

        …it’s worth it…debt is a heartless beech

      • Nik White

        EBreezy I’m glad that you lived to tell it and had your tuition paid.

      • KNeale

        Completely off topic but how did you do that/set that up ( go to grad school for free) and what was your grad program?

        • EBreezy

          Well…it all started with a prayer lol

          I really did pray about not taking out any more loans tho. But you have to find institutions that have assistantships for graduate school, which is typically going to be your large research intensive/ big ten institutions who have that type of “discretionary” funding.

          Honestly, PhD programs are typically built with complete funding, but finding masters programs with the same type of full funding, is very rare.

  • Other_guy13

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