I’ve had a recurring argument with various men and women alike. It all boils down to a simple question:
In a relationship, should there be full disclosure at all times.
Survey saaaaaaaaaaays…
…hell to the naw. Word to Whitney.
But let’s discuss this a little. There are two schools of thought present. One suggests that honesty and forthcomingness are the cornerstone of a strong and healthy relationship so you should provide your significant other with all the information they need to make an informed decision when it comes to dating you.
That’s fair and balanced. Just like Fox News.
The other school of thought suggests that you do some cost-benefit analysis, compute a couple of z-scores (very.smart.brothas), and come to a logical determination of what exactly constitutes need-to-know information.
I’m going to present a scenario for discussion. Of course, I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’m benevolent like that.
Let’s assume my best friend in life is a chick named Samantha. So one day, Samantha makes a move on me. She attempts to jump my bones in a most vulgar fashion. I’m sexxy like that so its not impossible. Now, after Samantha makes her move, I tell her how disrespectful it is and mentally take note that I need to fall Samantha back and give her the Jennifer Aniston treatment.
What would Jesus do?
Should I tell my girlfriend?
Um, no. I’ve taken care of the situation and further, what is the point in telling her. Sure she’d want to know but for what? There’s literally nothing she could do about this situation and the fact is she’d want to do something about it. Despite the fact that I did nothing wrong (which we’d determine AFTER I got grilled to the nth degree to make sure I didn’t incite the bone-jumping) my girl would need to vent her frustration and it would come at me. It’s one of those inevitable things in life. It’s up there with taxes, death, and Britney Spears. You just can’t avoid an argument when your girl (or dude) has nobody else to direct her (or his) frustration and pissedtivity towards.
One point I’ve heard often is that by not telling my girlfriend, I’m deciding for her what’s important information for her to know, essentially taking her power of choice away. Knowledge is power. Rah rah rah, etc. I call bullocks on that whole assertion. Hell, in every relationship we walk into it only telling people the things we want them to know. We determine what’s important for eachother all the time. I highly doubt my girlfriend would tell me upfront if she were ever a serial-midget stripper who only danced for men if they threw bananas at her, especially if she had no intention of going back to that life. And somehow, that seems pretty important to know.
Is full disclosure necessary in a relationship? No. Relationships are about providing your significant other the peace of mind in knowing that you love them and wouldn’t do anything to disrespect them.
Everything else is just extra.
-PANAMA
Foist!
Sorry wrong blog…
But seriously, I think “full disclosure” should only apply to information that may alter how she feels about you and vice versa.
For instance, you start receiving calls from an ex who you still have feelings for or she is having lunch with some dude she knows has a crush on her.
The scenario you described doesn’t fit the bill.
(Unless you’re in a relationship with a crazy person. In which case, all logic is lost.)
That which you described would only change how she feels about your “friend” – who was obviously out-of-order – and if you have already diffused the situation then no harm, no foul.
Ignorance is bliss! Full disclosure leads to unnecessary bullshit….
I don’t need to know every little detail as long as it comes to a successful outcome for me…period….
When you worry excessively about stuff like this you find out that your girlfriend has sucked 37 dicks or was Fingercuffs or some other horrible fate that Kevin Smith thought of….
She doesn’t want to know my number of chicks slayed….
all we need to know is that we both have a clean bill of health
Fuck a full disclosure!
To borrow from Melvin Udall in “As Good As It Gets”…”where is the trust??”
HMPH.
*crosses arms*
I’ll be back later. Gotta think on this one!
So basically you’re saying that you’re going to keep this “Samantha” as coochie in a glass case… break in case girlfriend malfunctions?!
This is exactly why women NEED to know. We should know if there’s a enemy in our mist, just waiting & hating every chance she gets! Men can’t handle the trickery of a woman! It takes another woman to defeat these kinds of problems, or to even recognize there is a problem beyond that initial attempt to jump his bones.
Samantha needs to get the BOOT! She’s nothing but a virus in the system. Men might not admit it, but she’s that chick who will pretend to be better than your girlfriend and will always have something negative to whisper in his ear, and everyone knows how slick women are. We can plant ideas in your subcosncious and then stand back and watch you carry out our intent! You’ll sabotage your relationship & not even realize that Samantha planted that seed!
forgive my typos. it’s late.
I think you’re right….if Samantha were the shady type of chick. Thing is P sets her up as the shady chick because she’s trynna jump the bones of not only a man who has a girlfriend, but her best friend who she is supposedly supposed to love & respect. To that end, ole girl must not have been his best friend to begin with.
See, I’d give Samantha the boot. There’d be no ifs, ands, or buts, about it.
It ain’t like I’d tell my girl and THEN keep her around either. If you don’t respect my relationship, by default you disrespect my girl so thou must vanish.
But still, I don’t see why I should even tell her when there’s nothing that information will do but cause a ruckus.
That’s commendable to give her the boot.
Hypothetically speaking: What if you run into Samantha while out to dinner with your girlfriend, and Samantha approaches the table to say hello and etc. To the man, this may seem innocent enough, no harm done, you didn’t tell your girlfriend, therefore she couldn’t possibly know… right? WRONG!
Girlfriends and most women have a very strong intuition. Unfortunately, with many women that intuition can only smell smoke, it can’t tell you exactly what kind of fire is burning! Your girlfriend will be able to look Samantha over and the entire scene including you, and within 1-30 seconds she will know something just ain’t right! Soon enough you’ll find yourself forced into the position to lie or defend, and of course your girl knowing you as well as she does will only become more suspicious because she knows you tend to stutter when you lie (for example).
If you’re honest at this time, and you tell your girl the info you previously ommitted…BAM, you’re gonna be in even bigger trouble, and your girl won’t ever trust you the same again. You just created that on-going argument that will eventually kill the entire relationship.
Had you told your girl from the beginning, upset or not she would still trust you and say…”well, I know my man’s not lying because he didn’t have to tell me in the first place”… You’re girlfriend will love you for it and brag to her friends about how good her man is, she will silently curse that B!tch Samantha out in her own head because she committed to take the higher road and not tell Samantha off (by your request)!
Being open & honest can go a very long way! This is why there are so many women out there who know their man sleeps around and yet they won’t leave him because “He loves me”! Why?! Because he tells her about everything and everyone! Women just want love/adoration, friendship/companionship, safety, security, to feel like they are the MOST important, and in order to feel any of these things it all starts with honesty.
I can’t speak for everyone, but the more useless info a man tells me the better! I’m not even the jealous type or the type to be up under a man 24/7, but it’s always good to feel like you’re on the inside and not on the outside of things. No one wants to feel like a stranger to their own relationship or significant other. It’s like this with family as well. If anyone really close to you just purposely fails to tell you some juicy new information, then you might take offense to that.
I don’t think people need to tell every single thing, but I can say that the more you disclose, or feel comfortable telling… the better, cause that’s a sign of how close you truly are to this other individual.
Most people feel closer to the people who are willing to tell them a secret, so imagine how your girl would feel if she finds out you’re ommitting important info. She’ll feel like maybe she isn’t as close to you as she previousy thought.
WTF!
1) “Being open & honest can go a very long way! This is why there are so many women out there who know their man sleeps around and yet they won’t leave him because “He loves me”! Why?! Because he tells her about everything and everyone! Women just want love/adoration, friendship/companionship, safety, security, to feel like they are the MOST important, and in order to feel any of these things it all starts with honesty.”
- Am I misunderstanding? Or are you saying that being open and honest is a relationship can excuse you from sleeping around? Are you an advocate of infidelity?
2) Most people feel closer to the people who are willing to tell them a secret…
- Huh? How does a person betraying one person’s trust (telling a secret) make them more trustworthy to someone else?
1. I’m saying that if you’re honest it’s best because the person you’re with may be accepting of whatever behaviors you’re trying to hide. They should be given the opportunity to either accept it or leave.
2. Telling someone a secret about YOUSELF is an option and it applies to this topic. I’m not sure how you derived at the conclusion that it had to be someone elses secret…considering that doesn’t apply to this topic.
I’ve actually been in a situation kinda like this. And see, I don’t really agree that Samantha has to be some sneaky, devisive enemy. Because if that were her character, she couldn’t be Panama’s or my “best friend.” People just do dumb shit sometimes.
I totally respect that Panama would give her the boot no questions asked, that’s admirable. Most men wouldn’t see the logic in that. But even though it makes sense on paper, I am not sure I w/c/ould. Not sure. It just depends. I can argue both sides.
Now, if I did keep the person around, I would clearly have to impose more boundaries, and make it crystal clear where my loyalties lie and there would definitely be a cooling off period. But I don’t know that I would just cut the friendship off completely and forever. Not sure on that one.
Dessa took the words right out of my mouth. However I must add, I wouldn’t appreciate my dude “chillin” with his female “Best friend” by himself in such as secluded place that she would have the chance to try to jump his bones. I wouldn’t be mad out him for the fact that she made a move on him but the fact that he would put himself in a situation where she was able to try to execute her attack. Last but not least, any women who continues to try and have a very, very close relationship with a men who is in a relationship, let’s me know she already has some foul ish planned.
I’m not saying it’s not ok for my man to have female friends but putting yourself in suspect situations with female friend is a NO, NO. I feel my boyfriend would have an obligation to tell me if something like this happened so I could think about how his decision skills may/will affect our relationship moving forward.
Personally, I think you should tell your girlfriend….but I think you’re right, what is it going to matter if she knows? Esp after the fact? Clearly I am biased in this situation, but at the same time I get Dessa’s point about needing to know about the enemy in the midst. That’s how I would feel, and then would want to be aware of her (so I could keep my eye on her).
It’s a big Catch 22 is what it is.
I say as long as you can be honest with yourself about there being no possibility of hanky panky going on from your end, then no need to tell ur chick. But how many men are truly honest about this sort of stuff? Ya’ll be slippin! I think you’re kinda rare for some reason, so you can be Mr. Non-Disclosure. Then again, I know you pretty well lol. I def wouldn’t trust most dudes to keep Boy Scouts honor.
This is why platonic relationships are rough and not ideal:-\.
“I say as long as you can be honest with yourself about there being no possibility of hanky panky going on from your end, then no need to tell ur chick”
this about sums it up. if you trust your mate, it should be cool. if not…then you shouldnt be together anyway
Given the above scenario, you know your girlfriend better than anyone else, so:
i) If she’s the crazy type who’ll want to make something of it even though you dealt with it appropriately, then just leave well alone and go with the need to know basis… In this instance, she doesn’t need to know, basically
OR
ii) If, on the other hand, you have the kind of relationship where you can tell her anything and know she won’t go ape-shit then fine… tell her, talk between yourselves, have a laugh about it or discuss it’s possible implications seriously, whatever the mood at the time dictates. Seems like you’ve got a relationship that’s worth the honesty and integrity invested in it – lucky you!
Agreed. I had a very honest relationship with my last ex; we communicated very openly about everything from who flirted with us at work to ‘I’m going to dinner with my ex today.’ Of course there could have been things he left out, but we were both very chill people who had faith in each other. I would never have been able to have that kind of openness with the ex before him; it would have caused unnecessary suspicions and stained our relationship.
So what was it about that relationship that made you feel that you could be that honest as opposed to the previous ones where you think it would have caused “unnecessary suspicions”?
I tried being honest with the first one. I was honest with him in the beginning. Then it came back around somehow, in the form of a look, a guilt trip, an insistance on staying home. I felt bad, like I did something when I know I didn’t do anything wrong. So I kept him in the clear of the boy who hit on me in class, the one who tried to make out with me in the stairway, the one who grabbed my ass when i wasnt looking. he wouldn’t have fought those fights for me, he was too sweet. I just didnt feel comfortable being that blatant.
Would I want to know if one of my girl friends tried to get at him? Yes. Would I feel the need to tell him that one of his friends tried to get at me? Maybe. Depends on which one it is.
why just a maybe?
In a relationship, should there be full disclosure at all times.
YES.
Why not? I believe in honesty and volunteering information. I know that I would definitely want to know if my dude’s best female friend tried to jump his bones.
I agree with the statement: “…deciding for her what’s important information for her to know, essentially taking her power of choice away. Knowledge is power.”
1. If she’s his “real” bestfriend…she knows he has a woman and that she’s OUT OF LINE.
2. It’s DISRESPECTFUL for her to jump a taken man’s bones…especially one she claims is just a bestfriend
3. I would have to royally tap that azz all the way down the street, up the corner and down the alley. Wooooosah!
It irritates me to hear both men and women say that they will refrain from telling their partners XYZ because they feel they’ve handled the situation and it’s irrelevant. ARE YOU LOONEY? So if the info you THINK you handled comes to surface later…your mate will be like WTF!?
uhhh, no thanks…be upfront and HONEST!
Omitting information = semi dishonesty!
I totally disagree with this. I think it’s only dishonesty if it’s something the girlfriend needs to know. Something like this is not in the “need to know” column. And I hate when people say stuff like this, like when they get with someone they tell them EVERYTHING about themselves. I’m sure your significant other does not know EVERYTHING about you – nor should he/she. Everyone has shyt that is THEIR OWN business. Period.
Wait. I want to check myself. This is why I hate internet writing… it can sound so much more harsh than you intend when you read it back. I was NOT launching that at you WHAT THE HELLLL – and I wasn’t getting rude… let me clear that up. Sorry for the tone, it was COMPLETELY unintentional. =))) *hugs*
eh, honesty scmhonesty.
honestly, full honesty is overrated.
gimme peace of mind over honestly anyday. sure, if my chick had the monkey or was a freak that’s been banged out by monkeys, then sure….I need to know that sh-t. If trust has already been established though, anything short of that and I could care less.
Champ, you say that now. But how would you feel if you found out later that your woman’s best guy friend tried to shove his tongue and other things down her throat??? You’d at least want to know why she didn’t tell you. Right?
again…if trust has already been established (which would be a given just for that fact that i wouldnt be in a relationship with someone i didnt trust) i’d figure she had a good reason.
this is exactly that “finding out” convo would go:
champs boy: “eh, i heard that derrick is really feeling your girl, and tried to get at her a couple times”
champ: “word?”
champs boy: “word”
champ: “sucks for him. who’s playing tonight?”
I love that. I love that you say total honesty is overrated, I so agree, because there are clearly things that have been disclosed to me by a significant other that… well, I could have been okay with not knowing. It absolutely is overrated and should only be advocated in Disney movies and after-school specials. Thanks.
“I so agree”
i don’t think people realize how much easier their lives would be if they just agreed with everything i said. thanks x, for being a leader and showing everyone else the light
Full disclosure is not necessary. Now of course if you have a sexual disease or have a crazy ex that might slash some tires, then yes, by all means you need to spill some details.
I forgot to add…reference the scenerio described in the blog, more than likely the girlfriend already suspects. Now if the girlfriend comes to you and brings it up, you need to be honest with her. Don’t make it look like the girlfriend is paranoid when you know for a fact she isn’t. Some men will try to do that. You don’t have to go into details but you can at least let her know her suspicions aren’t off base. In fact, your so called friend isn’t really your friend because if she was, she wouldn’t be trying to make moves on you when she knows you have a woman–so you need to make sure to keep her at arms length.
And to piggyback on the champ, here’s the convo with your girl:
P: Baby, Sam tried to hit. but i chucked her. it’s done and she’s gone.
Girlfriend: She did what? What happened? Did she try to kiss you or did she kiss you? Did you push her off? Where did this happen? What time? What was she wearing?
P: Baby, it’s not important, she’s gone.
GF: What do you mean it’s not important. That bitch tries to kiss my man and it aint important?
P: But baby, I’m not speaking to her anymore.
GF: But what if she tries to speak to you. What are you going to do?
P: Baby, trust that its done.
GF: I trust you but not her. So what if she tries to holler??
And on and on and on and on and on…
Who wants to deal with that?
ROTFLMAO @ Panama….you’s a mighty fool!
“Who wants to deal with that?”
Sounds like you not telling your GF is about you and not making sure your GF is comfortable with things. hmmmm
Word in bond! I second that Queen!!!
Let me know if you need a unmarked car!
I could just as easily argue that I’m keeping my girlfriend comfortable with things. If something is a non-issue, why present it to become an issue in the first place.
Further, just like when you first get into a relationship, we don’t disclose everything that might make the significant other uncomfortable for various reasons. Would you tell your boyfriend that you were a flying trapeze Belgian prostitute for two years while trying to pay off that subprime Credit Card that you maxed out when you had the great idea to become a travelling cougar for little kids birthday parties and it went wrong?
JUST BE UPFRONT AND HONEST. When you share informations it brings up less questions later.
Nothing is worse than holding a convo and the other person slips and says something about the “samatha incident”. Would you want your GF to be like…ummm when did this happen and WHY didn’t you say anything? (leading to possible doubt and future trust issues)
OR
Would you rather have shared and you both laugh, sex each crazy and go one with your day????
IF it comes up, yes you should tell her.
But why bring it up unnecessarily?
That’s like saying he should tell her every time some random chick makes a pass at him and he says “No, thank you.”
As a possessive person, it’s just gonna drive me nuts if you are constantly telling me about the chicks you batted away…
So long as you’re not trying to get at them, I’d rather not know.
EXAAAAACTLYYYY!!! And I love the “what was she wearing…” which will then unvariably launch into some personal attack of some sort about her fashion sense, body type, weave v. real-hair, personal history, and so on and so on. ie, 1) she got nerve with her run down last season gucci sandal wearing ass; 2) I cannot believe that no-ass-having heifer tried some shyt with you; 3) no she didn’t. She need to worry about tightening up them tracks [fake hair]/cutting off them dead ends [real hair] instead of trying to get with my man; 4) no she didn’t! I knew that bitch was trash when you told me that [insert some shit you confided in your woman here] mmmhmmm and you said no, no, she’s great… she’s not like that. What I tell you? Now look!
Yep. A whoooole nutha conversation ensues that you will not want or need to take part in, because there are sooo many wrong responses to be made. LOL
And then there’s the “Well why did you say [THAT]? Why didn’t you tell her [THIS]?” Series of questions. *sigh* So unnecessary.
Yep. I still agree. Don’t tell. It’s handled. It’s done. Thanks.
LMAO at 1-4!!!!!! So right.
Nah bruh. You have to tell her. I’m not an advocate of absolute full disclosure in relationships, but in this instance, I’d want to know. Not because I wouldn’t trust that you’d handled the situation, but so that I know where we stand. You see, if you and Samantha were that close, then I as your girlfriend have accepted her as a friend as well. “Friend of my friend” and all that. If she’s proven herself to be less than that to me, then I need to know.
You will NOT have me running in to this chick at the Piggly Wiggly six months later, thinking everything is all good.
As a side note, how do you think you could get away with completely writing someone close out of your life without the girlfriend getting suspicious?
“As a side note, how do you think you could get away with completely writing someone close out of your life without the girlfriend getting suspicious?”
this is actually a good question.
depends on how well the gf knows the person. if it’s a best friend, you’re going to have to disclose the info. if it’s some peripheral friend that your gf barely knows, you can let it drop w/o commentary
[quote]GF: I trust you but not her. So what if she tries to holler??[/quote]
See, this line screams “you don’t trust me” to me. You trust me but what if she tries to holler? What about it? What do you think will happen? That I’d succumb on the second or fifth attempt?
This is a bogus argument. Everytime I’ve heard it, I always though, “wow, apparently you don’t trust me as much as you think”.
Full disclosure is a negative. Everyone needs their secrets and not everything needs to be shared with a loved one. Say Samantha had a moment of weakness, as she is a human being. The best friend tells her “Yo, that’s not cool. I have a lady and besides, our friendship means more to me than to go out like this”. And Samantha said “God, you are right. I am so embarrased, I hope we can get past this and will you please forgive me?” And all is well, no more advances from Lady S….is it worth it to have the girlfriend CONSTANTLY eye-whupping Samantha’s ass at all parties, sports events, funerals, etc?
Now, if Samantha keeps trying, then you should cut her off and explain to the wifey what happened. This can still end up being a BIG MESS, but whatever.
Here is something that should NOT every be disclosed: your number of sexual partners and the details of past sexual experiences. Why do people still ask this question? In regards to the number, your mate is probably gonna lie. As far as the juvinile “Where was the craziest place you had sex” or “What is the wildest thing you have ever done sexually” questions, all this is gonna do is put the image of your mate and some other fucker (literally, huzzah!) doing and doing it and doing it well. If someone asks that type of stuff, hit em with the “I’m not thinking about the past, cause I’m more focused about what we’re gonna do.”
Is Samatha wht? Simply saying…WHO IN THE HECK is going to say “Gosh, you’re right…what was I thinking!”
I’ll tell you what she was thinking…she was thinking DICK! And with someone she knows and probably has been attracted too! Weak moment my ass!
LOL @ is she White! If she was White, she would have fucked him already, like on the day they met. (I kid, I kid!)
Yeah, she has probably been attracted to him, but if she is really his friend she can acknowledge that she was wrong for acting on her lust and move on. Remember: she is his “very best friend in the world”, not just a homegirl. It also depends if she was horny and saw the opportunity to sleep with a very attractive man with whom she trusted OR if she was secretly in love with him. I answered as if the former were true.
*standing ovation for Sister Toldja* And here’s another dumb man question: “Is he better/bigger than me?” SHUT UP!!??? WHY??? What do you think a woman’s answer really is gonna be? Think, men, THINK!!!
I’m not sure what side of the fence I’m on just yet, but mayhap an answer to this question will tilt me over to one side. So, let’s say, you don’t tell your girl about what happened. Now, I’m assuming your girl knows that you and Samantha are besties, so if there are changes to the situation/friendship/whatever eventually she’s gonna be like, “hey what happened to your bff Samantha?” And you say, what? Cause you know if you give some general, “we ain’t cool no mo’” type answer, the next question is gonna be: WHY?
Based on the scenario given, here’s the biggest problem with not telling your girlfriend…if she finds out later that you didn’t tell her (which usually happens), she’s gonna be pissed. Now that’s a conversation you never wanna have. She’s gonna wonder what else you aren’t telling her. She’s also gonna wonder why you feel you can’t be honest with her.
I also would assume that by letting her know ahead of time that you wouldn’t tell her, she’s probably wondering if this situation has already happen…A wondering woman (in this case) is not good because you’ve gotten her thinking.
I admit there are some things that if mentioned probably won’t help the relationship (like the number of sexual partners you had, etc). I think things that happen during the current relationship definitely need to be discussed or at least put on the table. If my best guy friend hit on me, I’d tell my man unless he didn’t want to know.
Would I be thrilled if my man’s best friend hit on him…clearly no. Would I like the chick much…why should I? Would I act a damn fool…for what?
Contrary to popular belief, all women aren’t crazy deranged chicks…some can actually handle real situations. Granted I might ask some questions (within reason) but I also would appreciate him being consistently honest with me. If a woman has a good man, she knows that at some point some woman is probably gonna try to take him. If he’s willing to be taken, adios.
If your woman is a crazy, deranged chick who can’t allow you to handle the situation and have a discussion about the whole thing, you probably don’t wanna be with her anyway.
HELL NO DON’T TELL!!! Here’s why… well you spelled it out rather nicely, but I will add a touch of X flavor, if you don’t mind.
1. Nothing good can come of it.
2. As you said, you handled it, and it’s done.
If you tell your woman, you would have to do more, like remove Samantha from your life. If Samantha were your best friend, then I’m certain you have mutual friends. Mutual friends that do shyt together. Now girlfriend would want to know if “the whore” was going to be there. LOL And you don’t need that. Women can be dumb about things like that. You’re an adult, you’ve handled your business and now it’s a done issue. When nothing good can come of something? Don’t do it. That is all.
I didn’t mean to hit submit… I was formatting it… but I guess that’s all I want to say. LOL
I laughed out loud when I read HELL NO DON’T TELL!!! It sounds like something protesters would chant.
I totally disagree with X.
Women are stupid about stuff like that? REALLY!!!
Men who feel omitting information is smart are obtuse and preposterous!
Laughing at “Obtuse and Preposterous!” Well done!
lol…me too.
those also sound like the names of some really unfortunately unattractive strippers
I see your disagreement with X and raise you a “gotdamn right” and “Yay-men”.
Full Disclosure at all times is unnecessary, however if Panama decides he is going to tell one of his boys about this incident and why he had to ice Samantha then he should tell his girl. because if it is important enough to tell your boy, your girl should know, it may not be logical to think that way but trust me if your girl found out that one of your boys knew and you kept this from her, that will now be your issue. “y’all are keeping secrets”. Men don’t want to get into a discussion about the what, when, where, and How and you know we would want to know all the details so (like Panama started to outline) those conversations can be uncomfortable. But we need to know the information. If anything to pacify ourselves. Honesty is the best policy, and sometimes it will hurt. However I do not need to know everything at once, just the most important stuff.
I agree with Ana B (my first rhyme of the day)
If you’re not gonna tell your girl, don’t tell anyone. Keep it between you and “the whore” (LMAO @ Xquizzt1).
Now if Samantha is a “mouth”, you have to tell your girl cause the story will change once it’s been in the loop a few times.
Well said. And I do my dirt by my lonely.
Responsible Crime 4 Lyfe.
I think that platonic relationships don’t really exist between opposite sexes anyway. Men do not spend time with women that they would not put the pound cakes on, when we can be all wrapped up in the pursuit of nastiness! Not saying that men and women can’t be cool and not fuck, i’m saying it usually doesn’t stay platonic if too much hanging out occurs. As men we auto-assume that any dude trying to be cool with our girl is just trying to get in, because we know that’s what WE would be doing. And women assume the same thing about other women being too close to their man. The sooner we realize that we are not just being paranoid, and that we are correct 9 times out of 10, the happier we all will be. Example: Your woman has a big ol’ butt, donkey meat if you will, and she has a male friend. Let’s call him Jamal. Jamal is not gay + your woman is fine = JAMAL WANTS TO HIT THAT! As a matter of fact the formula should read more like Jamal is not gay + your woman is ALIVE = JAMAL WOULD TEAR THAT UP AT THE FIRST CHANCE! The bottom line is that when you are in a relationship you can’t trust ANYONE outside of it. Some women’s Moms will back stab them for a man. And if you already know you can’t trust the outside person, but you do trust your mate, then why ask questions or volunteer info that you know will only cause issues and incite emotions that are unnecessary. Most women would not tell their man if a male friend of theirs tried to push up. They would squash it and just let us remain ignorant to the fact, which we appreciate because we ain’t got time to be getting all niggeriffic on the dude we already suspected wanted the cakes in the first place. I have games to watch, and multiple hustles to manage, I don’t need distractions like fussing with my girl over things that are of no real consequence.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!! @ BigBuck.
I think part of the problem between men and women is that we (esp men) don’t appreciate the value of platonic friendships. Some of my best friends are male and I honestly believe that they have no designs on trying to sleep with or date me. I am attractive, they are attractive….we just aren’t attracted to one another. We have something special that exists outside of the realm of romance and sex. And because of these relationships, I have a better understanding of the male mind and some good guys to consult when I am trying to figure out the deal with a man I am dating.
Sister T,
If you are attractive, designs or no, they’d still hit if you gave them a green light.
Co-signing Deviant: Man don’t say no, we say “Man I never messed with that chick!” even when we hit it twice last week. Denial – Git you some!
Men find me attractive, at least your daddy did when he knocked over your momma to get a better look at me at the Piggly Wiggly. And I don’t doubt that at least one of my three closest homies would hit. But I do believe that these men value my friendship enough to have some restraint. I have had male friends that I though were hella yummy, but I never turned on the green light because fuck buddies are a dime a dozen, but real friends are priceless.
I wasn’t questioning your “matractive”ness… I was just saying that if your male friends find you attractive, they’d hit.
Oh, I know. NO ONE can deny what God has created, LOL. I’m just saying that men can resist or know that somethings are bigger than sex. They can! I believe in you, you just gotta believe in yourselves.
But some fuck buddies can be priceless too!
Undoubtebly, but do you want your fuck buddy to call you to come watch the game at her man’s house? You know, the same man she stopped fucking you for?
“the pound cakes”???
Is that what you kids are calling it these days?
yeah, we addressed this whole platonic thing a couple weeks ago.
http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/platonic-shmetonic/
seriously, cats who still think these can exist probably still think the earth is flat too
The cakes? LMAO!!! *tears forming from laughter*
I have mixed feelings on this topic. I have always told myself “I want to know everything! Don’t lie to me” … but I think thats more of an ode to my trust issues than whats good for me.
And as a guy … another guy trying to get at my woman … there is something I can do about that situation to allow him to … know … and grasp the reality that she is with me.
*disclaimer* – SBM does not condone violence.
“And as a guy … another guy trying to get at my woman … there is something I can do about that situation to allow him to … know … and grasp the reality that she is with me.”
is it really that serious though?
In a word…”no.” You can’t fight/intimidate the world.
In all honestly, I’m definitely not looking to go fight the world … and probably not even this guy.
But … if someone thinks its cool to make a move on my significant other although she knows she is involved with someone else, I do have a problem with that.
Your right … I don’t know the best way to go about handling it … but I would want to know to keep an eye out for him because he obviously isn’t respecting what me and my other have established.
I don’t like to be blind sighted, so there are circumstances in which full disclosure applies with me. If this chick is key-key’n in my face in some social setting, I would prefer to know who to give the Heffa Please look to..I’m territorial like that. I think my biggest issue on ” you don’t need to know, I took care of it” thing is..how do YOU get to decide by YOURSELF, something that could impact ME too?
Also, to build on this in the context of a relationship, question: why is it that we can tell people we are NOT in a relationship with, the inner workings of our heart/soul, yet the person we are supposedly sharing our lives with – gets need to know basis attitude about certain things?
That’s a TRUST issue.
exactly, it IS, so why don’t you TRUST enough to tell me?
Nice try.
Try again.
Why can’t YOU trust that telling you wasn’t necessary?
if one person deems it necessary for all involved, it lends itself to selfishness.
and while we are on trust, if my guy trusted his homegirl, (like inner circle homegirl) to respect our relationship, and she tried to get at him, should his trust be trusted? LOL
You can’t blame someone for placing trust in someone who had never before been untrustworthy. If he continues to trust her after the fact then it is another issue. It’s the old saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” As long as it is dealt with accordingly when the trust is violated, there should be no issue.
It’s not a trust issue for us to not tell you. We trust…..that you will not handle it well.
if you are with a chick that consistently handles things badly, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate.
I think for me, it becomes a conflict resolution issue. If me and my man can’t work through this kind of shit, that’s not a good sign, what happens when the big stuff hits?
work through what? other people trying to get with him? what is there to work through? If he can’t stick to a monogamous relationship (assuming that’s your deal with him), then it ends. . .doesn’t it?
P. you really killed ‘em with this post. VSBs don’t miss.
My question is: does Samantha look better than the girlfriend? Or to put it differently, would the girlfriend see Samantha as a legitimate threat? If Samantha looks like Forest Wittaker, then YES, I’d disclose the bone-jumping fiasco. As a matter of fact, I would outright throw her ugly @ss under the proverbial bus. Here’s why: it provides the wife with the comfort of knowing that I am forthcoming and faithful– and at the same time there is no real fall-out because she is confident that Samantha’s Last-King-of-Scotland-looking-ass never had a chance. Now suppose Samantha looks like Megan Goode, then I would keep the incident to myself. I would simply chastise Samantha’s fine @ss and tell her that even as scrumptious as she is, I cannot allow her to break up my happy home. Done deal.
Ultimately, women don’t want to hear that fine women are throwing themselves at their men; especially fine women who we actually care about. Why in god’s name would anyone insert unnecessary drama into their relationship?!
THANK YOU! You touched on a dynamic we all have overlooked today. Her appearance is critical in the decision to tell or not. You hit a home run with that one D*STROY
Thanks homes. I was just thinking the same about your earlier comment. The equation “Jamal is not gay + your woman is fine = JAMAL WANTS TO HIT THAT!” is critical to the discussion. It really pisses me off that women really think that men are out there hanging around beautiful women because they find their friendship irresistable. I mean C’mon! My wife loves to say “oh, [Jamal] is just a friend, then when the clown tries something she is always so shocked. When will they learn.
Soooo you would treat your good-looking platonic friend better than your unpretty one? That’s bogus. And if this chick was so bad looking, would your girlfriend really be impressed or surprised that you resisted? Wouldn’t denying a gorgeous woman (your example reeks of Eau Du Hoodrat, btw) be more impressive than denying one who isn’t pretty?
Me thinks it’s sucky that you would throw your less-attractive homegirl under the bus, but given your line of logic, I’d imagine that it is totally appropriate for the sort of woman you deal with. It’s just wack that you wouldn’t care enough about your ugly friend to protect her from your GF’s wrath. It doesn’t matter to me if a woman is as beastly as 50 Cent or as pretty as me….if she tries to fuck my man, she is the known enemy.
Men don’t have unpretty platonic friends.
Than you D. That is really just the cold and ugly truth.
I am not the one who created “Ugly Samantha”! And I do know some less-than-pretty women who have, not only male friends but BOYFRIENDS. Ugly bitches are having the BEST WEEK EVER. </inexplicable personal rant
But their male friends probably find them attractive…
Think about it. How many ugly friends do you have? And how many friends do you have that your male friends think are ugly?
I bet the numbers are different.
LOL! Sis, I wanted to respond with some clever and intellectual rebuttal but honestly, that is just how life is. Attractive people get better treatment in this world. HAA
Nah, but seriously, your logic is a bit skewed because, my comment was not about the treatment of the friend. It was about about risk management in a relationship. Gorgeous or ugly the friend still gets equally axed. But with respect to disclosing the incident Samantha’s looks will definitely have a major impact on the decision and the girlfriend’s response. I wouldn’t be with a person who would react react violently to a situation like this. But nonetheless, It is my experience that women respond better to the misdeeds of the ugly. But women have zero tolerance for the gorgeous woman who encroaches upon their territory. And at the end of the day, it is as Panama and BigBuck said, the man is the one who has to deal with the incessant talk about this non-issue.
ROTFLMAO @ “Samantha’s Last-King-of-Scotland-looking-ass”
TFF
I’m with you on this one, the last thing you want in a relationship is to feed a woman’s insecurity.
how come since the media hype over Obama and his grandma, everybody must use the phrase “throw under the bus”?
I didn’t read through the gazillion comments you’ve gotten so my points might have already been made. But I’ll make them anyway. It is IMPOSSIBLE to be completely honest with a woman. In fact, I’d argue that they WANT to be lied to because they ask silly questions like “Do these jeans make me looke fat?” “Is Salma Hayek REALLY that hot?” and my personal favorite “Why can’t (insert best friend’s name here) get herself a good man?” Now if they prompt our lying with such assinine questions, why should we further dig ourselves into a ditch by giving away information that will only cause a commotion. Especially when nothing can be done about said situation? And think about it, your girl gets hit on pretty much everywhere she goes. Would you REALLY want to hear those stories?
well getting hit on my random chicks is certainly not the same as being hit on by someone you both know, and someone you considered a friend.
and no self-respecting woman, worth her salt wants to be lied to. We are a fan of being told things respectfully w/ tact though, which apparently is tough for me to do sometimes
oops me = men. Sorry
“no self-respecting woman, worth her salt wants to be lied to”
Sorry Wise Diva, Jarrod got you on this one.
oh wow, really he got me? Ok I should have said, Wise Diva does not like to be lied to, and I am a self-respecting woman, LOL. It is SO not necessary because I just don’t wig out over every little thing.
I’m just saying his point about women wanting to be lied to was pretty accurate.
I’m sure there are things that you’d rather feel good about than to know the actual truth.
I’m not saying it’s healthy but it’s real.
FYI: I’ve already had this conversation with many a friend. Just know that my logic is superior and you will be bested in the end.
haaaaaaaa! I love it, your humility is astounding!
Deviant, you might be my new best friend.
Wise, you are LYING. I want you to think about the guy you are dating or the last guy you dated. Now think about the last outfit you tried on, girl you pointed out to him, meal you cooked him or any other particularly sticky situation that telling the truth would have gotten him yelled at. Now honestly, HONESTLY tell me you wanted the truth from him.
eh, i have never wigged out on the truth from my guy, especially when I ask for feedback.. why would I? Now outright disrespect and tactlessness yes, I will address anything that is said out of line (and I expect my man to do the same when I am)…but just because I don’t like what they say, doesn’t mean I will yell at them for saying it. I won’t deny that women do this, so I will speak on my own experience/perspective
Full disclosure as it pertains to a new relationship, not necessary. But the above scenario is different.
I think you need to tell your man/woman about the incident.
It isn’t about trusting your mate as much as it’s about respect. Sam’s antics were disrespectful to both Panama and his girl. Therefore, his girl needs to know.
And Sam may well need to take a hike.
Yeah but i can’t get past the inevitable, unecessary fight that will come from that. Believe it or not, we men will do almost anything to avoid a bunch of madness that does not need to happen.
But, you’d hope that you could talk to your girl about it without a fight.
You know how to speak to your lady without her taking offense. That’s how you’d have to approach her wiht this incident.
Anyway, I can’t cosign on the viewpoint that you don’t want to tell her because of the possibility of an unnecessary argument. That means you KNOW you aren’t telling her something she would want to know. Something that may upset her. Not fair to her…
exactly, and to spin it as if you are saving HER feelings (Panama!) is really not that accurate is it? You aren’t being that noble, you are trying to self-preserve…which is human nature, of course
I want to know if men (or women for that matter) really feel like they have been disrespected when someone hits on them? assuming the person doing the hitting-on is attractive.
Not that I am being disrespected,(in fact, I’m probably flattered) but that the man hittin’ on me is not respecting my man.
ESPECIALLY if said gentleman knows him. That, IMHO, is lacking in respect to my spouse.
Of course it’s not disrespectful wen someone hits on you…it only becomes disrespectful to the mate when the person doing the hitting knows you have a mate and still persues.
wen=WHEN
I feel disrespected if the man is hitting on me and he knows I know he’s in a relationship. Does that make sense? I feel like he assumes I’d be OK with being a homewrecker.
I think this is one of those situations where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you don’t tell ya girl everything, you’re deemed shady. If you do tell her everything, she’ll say you’re too open or some shit.
this has probably been said but I’ll repeat it…full disclosure is not always necessary. there’s just some shit I don’t want to know. people get into sticky situations at times and if you trust that your mate is not out to hurt you then leave it at that and don’t ask questions you don’t really want answers to.
T-Mac, you are right. Who the hell wants to know everything? And where does it end? Should I disclose the details of every woman that thinks I’m attractive? …every woman that I think is attractive? What is the point of trust if you can’t allow your partner to live “freely” within the established rules of your relationship?
Exactly. The idea that I need to tell you about every time I COULD HAVE broken your trust but DIDN’T, implies that on some level you already don’t trust me. Which takes us right back to what the Champ said about not needing to be together.
I say keep it to yourself. I suffered unnecessary drama n my last relationship b/c we disclosed TOO much. I loved my boyfriend, I never cheated on him even though there were random guys always trying to get my attention. The fact that he knew this information made him increasingly insecure and we always ended up arguing about the “potential of one of us straying” even after promises of fidelity.
On the flip side, I preferred to not know the situation between his female friends and him. Only if there was soemthing suspect – b.c we women are intuitive – did I question her feelings for him. But as long as my man is showering me with loving attention (andI dont mean just sex)then I don’t care about Jane from around the way who is stepping a little too closely.
The way I see, if you’re 2 mature, attractive people you will have temptations and admirers everywhere. But if you know that you know that you know that you’re in a committed relationship, then what’s the big deal.
One last thing, a guy I was dating told me he had had over 150 female sexual partners. I was pissed for a hot minute. But then I told him that if I mattered to him he would get a bloodtest just for my sanity (even though he had gotten one just 2 months before). He understood, did the test and it came back negative. That was full disclosure I would have preferred not to know but, in hindsight, I was happy that I learned.
It’s all relative, V.S.B’s
Yeah you definitely want to know about the 150 women thing.
This is off-topic but I can’t help but ask…What did you think when he told you that? “You said you were pissed for a hot minute.” To me anybody who has had that many partners does not really have a strong value for the sanctity of male/female intimacy. I would immediately think that this is somebody who is solely interested in increasing his stats. How do you get past that?
150 women? Is that possible and be under the age of 60?
WoW.
I mean…dude is a walking penis slinger. I don’t think I could have been as forgiving with just an HIV test.
A psychological evaluation seems to be in order.
I must agree with you on this for the most part, Panama. Disclosing all information might stir up more harm than good.
If it crosses the line, then that’s one thing. If Sam comes around and is trying to jump your bones, I absolutely think she needs to know and Sam needs to be cut loose. It’s completely disrespectful to your girl.
But, say you have a passing thought that such-n-such is looking GOOD in those jeans today. Well, your girl prolly doesn’t need to know all that. You’re human. You both know you’ll both find other people attractive. It’s just not necessary to voice that to your S/O.
I just think, in the end, you have to use your own discernment. It depends on the situation.
Screw Obama. On November 4th, I’m writing in Panama on my ballet.
I really haven’t been able to keep up with the comments today as work has been busting my ass…
However, this may be the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me.
*sniffle*
Here here. Except, I’m still voting Obama. LOL. Sorry P, I still love you.
I don’t think full disclosure is always neccessary either.
I do find it funny because SOME women will disclose to their boyfriend/spouse about the ugly guy that tried to hit on them at work or wherever BUT never mention the attractive guy who made a similar approach. This is why I do kinda agree with the notion that “Samantha’s” attractiveness could be a factor in all this.
What is a CP3?
Chris Paul and/or Candice Parker as they both wear the number 3….
CP3 is first and foremost Chris Paul. who can hit on me anytime he feels like it. shit, he can hit The Boy for all I care.. with his fine and ballin ass.
I can’t say that I’ve been in this exact situation. However, I can say that I expect (and I’m sure my friends expect this of me) that we’d never make moves on each other when the other person is in a relationship.
So, if a friend of mine did in fact make such a “vulgar” move on me, I’d have to ice the person. Would I feel compelled to tell my SO? Maybe. It depends on my SO’s relationship with the iced friend. If they run in completely different circles and my SO never really knew the person, then perhaps not – unless the whole thing was some really hilarious situation or pertinent to a discussion we had been having.
Full disclosure. . . nobody has full disclosure with anyone else. Even the most devout catholic doesn’t confess all their sins to their priest, just the ones that bother them enough that they don’t feel they can resolve between them and God.
I’ve been in a situation where it was requested that I inform my SO whenever I was going to be out with someone with the opposite sex. (Actually. . it was more like ask permission with the implied knowledge that the answer would always be “no” or “if you have time to eat with someone else, why didn’t you sashay your ass down to get me?”).
Anyway, full disclosure is BS. Though I do like the arguments I’ve heard in its favor – like I cannot decide for my SO what’s important info or I can’t understand the guile of people of the opposite sex.
Without reading everyone else’s comments I am going to contribute my short 2 cents. relationships are all about trust, if you can’t trust your man to make good decisions without running back to you every 5 minutes then why are you with him? I personally would not want to know about scheming ass Samantha. Its petty.
Thanks. . . cuz I didn’t feel like replying to my own comment to say what you pretty much just did:
Trust. If you MUST be told because “you trust me” but not “x-person”, then really, you don’t trust me.
I’m too smart to be tricked by word games. People scamming on this squirrel are going to have to bring their best
I think the other thing that I don’t understand about this issue, which is mostly a trust/jealousy one is this:
When I’m in a committed relationship, I don’t really care about anyone else. The hottest movie star of my dreams could break into my bedroom naked and I’d just point to the door.
I think we have squeezed all the blood we can get out of this turnip. And everyone is still on their respective sides of the fence. (Deep nasal intake) Smells like a good debate happened in here…..and a sexual eruption.
Oooohhhh… Panama, you’ve opened pandora’s box and everything must be considered. I think my default answer is honesty is always the best policy — you’re able to breath and you will feel liberated.
First, your entire scenario is EXACTLY what the last argument my recent ex-boo and I had. lol. My reason for not telling him that my boss hit on me; was that verbatim. I felt that I handled the situation and if Mr Boss Man was dumb enough to pull it after I threated to give him so unneeded surgery… I would call in reinforcements.
This may have been said numerous times, but I believe that you should disclose a truthful answer to any question that is asked in a relationship. In your “scenario” would you have wanted to know if her “best guy friend” made a move on her? I treat others like I want to be treated.