It’s a popular misconception that just because two people are attractive and have a lot in common that they are good for eachother. I know folks who, on paper, seem like an ideal couple but if you put them together in a room, they have absolutely nothing to say to one another.
Datveryboring. Nobody knows exactly what it is that draws people together. While there are people who think that San Diego is German for “whale vagina”, there is an entire school of thought out of Cambodia who calls the unmistakeable chemistry between two people, dong-qui-quong. Some people just go together and it supercedes race, class, education, and pedigree. Don’t fear the reaper, it exists because it does.
On the other hand, you have the people who think they’re drawn together or want to believe that they work when the fact is, they’re about as compatible as a PETA fanatic and Cam’ron; Blacks and Koreans in South Central; 50 Cent and Amnesty International; Aretha Franklin and A-cup brassieres; John Boehner and sincerity; Joe Biden and the swear jar…
Well you see where this is going.
Anywhere, there are more than a few signs that indicate that perhaps you and your mate aren’t that compatible. Here are the few:
1. You have nothing to say to one another over dinner (or any other place where two people who actually like eachother might talk).
Sure the love may be gone and perhaps somebody just got finished f*cking the gardener, but at least you should have something to talk about at dinner. We just passed health care and Obama seems to believe it was done in a way that didn’t alienate an entire half of the voting bloc. THAT doesn’t stimulate conversation??? Or maybe Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush heading towards splitsville? Or I don’t know, kittens?!?!? There’s got to be SOMETHING to talk about.
2. You both are interested in similar things, but stand passionately at POLAR OPPOSITES and cannot talk to one another about certain topics.
James Carville and his wife Mary Matalin may be the ONLY couple in America this works for. I don’t know how they do it. Say you really love Obama and your partner really HATES Obama. You two are not gonna make it (no Twisted Sister). Or say you’re both into the environment and environmental policy, really heavy. Except she wants to save it and you want to demolish it so you drive a car with gas mileage equivalent of 18 old people walking down the highway – lots of gas, no mileage – and she drives a maliciously quiet Prius and runs over people she suspects litter without ever knowing. Give it up, turn it loose. And the beat goes on…
3. He/she is ugly, and you care about what your friends think and/or say.
Facts are facts, somebody’s dating the ugly people out there. I mean, I’m a 3 and I have a girlfriend. Thing is, in order to date a facially challenged individual, you have to be able to stand on your own two and not really bother with other opinions. Easier said than done, much like having coitus with Grace Jones, but somebody did it. You can too! (Date an unattractive person, not bone Grace Jones. *shudder* )
4. One person is extremely sensitive and the other person has the comedic timing and chutzpah of Chris Rock.
Sensitive people need to only date eachother yet somehow they always end up dating somebody who’s sensitivity level borders around laughing at ninjas on the roof during Katrina while still recognizing it was a f*cked up situation. Not sure how these two people end up together in all honesty, its like people just pay NO attention to red flags.
5. You insist on an OCD level of organization and your partner seems to believe the floor is as good a place to put sh*t as any where else.
If you’re favorite store is The Container Store, then you have no business dating ANYBODY who really likes going inside an actual Dollar General.
So those are few signs of incompatibility, what are some other signs that you and your mate just aren’t compatible with one another?
Talk to me.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3