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This Man Cooking On A File Cabinet Grill Is The Blackest Thing I’ve Ever Seen This Week

I love us. “Us” being Black folks. And there is no greater time than today to flaunt and celebrate it. We are swimming in the ocean of the Black TV Renaissance resurgence, we’re the driving force of social media, our music (as always) is the soundtrack to everyone’s lives, and well… the Carter twins are Black.

Oh! And let’s not forget the Blackest event that will ever happen in the history of polished ebony: the nationwide premiere of Black Panther on Friday, February 16, 2018. It hasn’t even happened yet, but it is already the Blackest event ever. This is scientific fact, conducted by Neil deGrasse Tyson’s play cousin Tyson LeBron deReefer.

Until that day comes; however, I bring you this treasure:

Yes, that’s right… one of the most Blackety Black (shoutout to Alex Hardy) momentous occasions is the BBQ or the cookout, depending on where you’re from. No, not the proverbial cookout that y’all keep inviting white folks to. I’m talking about the actual uncle-sandals-who-brought-this-suspect-ass-potato-salad-electric-slide-grand-finale cookout.

Not to be outdone by anyone, Black folks are the epitome of “the most.” No, really, look up that term right now and I bet Merriam, Webster ‘annem will direct you to a picture of Jerome from Martin. In the spirit of doing “the most,” a lot of things we hold high are also the source of competition. Spades, playing the dozens, wearing shit that “ain’t even out yet”… I could go on. Of course, being able to ‘Q it up proper is certainly a badge of honor. What Black person doesn’t have a grill master in their family, adopted or otherwise?!

But, let’s focus on homie up above. He not only is out here showcasing his grilling skills and serving you the most tender of meats (heh), he has leveled-up and invented a multi-tier grill OUT OF A FILE CABINET.

Stay on topic and let that marinate for a moment.

This nigga. THIS NIGGA HERE. Your uncle could never. This man — this legend — has taken Meek Mill’s Levels to heart like a motherfucker. Oh, you got that Titanium Weber 3000?! So?! This grill has gone Super Saiyan. This grill is a pyramid scheme. This grill is the Dewey Decimal system. This grill is the Mortal Kombat tier and the big boss are those lusciously sauced wings at the top. Dude LITERALLY got the sauce.  

Let’s also get into this animated commentary, rivaling the best Sports Center announcer.

Yo boy got a whole chicken on there!” You done fucked the game up, mayne!

Let’s talk about how I need that kind of hype man whenever I enter rooms. He’d be like “Woooooo, she opened that door on a smooth swivel right ‘dere!”

As we hear the bombastic cheers of his friend, the grillmaster himself — we’re going to call him Chef Files —  takes on a tour of each drawer level. You got the wings, you got the whole chicken, and then — oops, power surprise — he takes us to the sweatbox. The engine of the masterpiece. Lastly, the bottom drawer, but never the bottom bitch… is the coal drawer. “That bwoy burnin’!”

Yes it is, Chef Files. Yes it is.

Is there an instant replay? You damn skippy peanut butter it is!

I need Chef Files to have a TV show. You know how you have no idea you were craving something your life until you see it for the first time? This is my feeling; my mood.

Salute to Chef Files, a universal gift. So… can I uh… can I get a wing, though?

Tonja Stidhum

Tonja Renée Stidhum is a screenwriter/director with cheeks you want to pinch... but don't (unless she wants you to). She is made of sugar and spice and everything rice... with the uncanny ability to make a Disney/Pixar reference in the same sentence as a double entendre.

  • Cheech

    MM–I sent you this, remember?

    • Cheech
      • NonyaB?

        Wait, it’s been done before? Then why isn’t this clearly superior cabinet style smoker/roaster being commercially sold yet?

        • KeciB

          I guess they aren’t that uncommon. They are on Pinterest.

          • NonyaB?

            Wow, a whole new world of bbqing out there. Never know what you’ll find on Pinterest!

        • Cheech

          Just wait. It’s only a matter of time.

    • Yeah- now that I’ve see the internals I think I can rig one up myself.

      Will be a heck of a lot cheaper than a stack smoker and will add some WTF charm to my backyard.

      • Cheech

        I might have to crank one up myself.

        • Using the third row as a sweat box is genius.

          I’d made the bottom drawer detachable so I could just pull it out to despose of coals.

          • Cheech

            Yup yup yup.

          • Cheech

            Miss T says the sweat box is cheating. I’m with you, though.

        • Go to Office Depot and ask to see the grills…I mean filing cabinets.

          • tinycurls

            lololols

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        Ahhhh…you are from Mississippi…Or at least I remember you said you did TFA in the Delta…

        I’m saying that because I’m assuming this is a thing of the South…

        • Arkansas, my dear.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            Still South. Gotcha. Never been to Arkansas so it might as well be a foreign country…

            • Arkansas’ lit if you like cheap property, good BBQ, and going to bed at 10.

              • TheUnsungStoryteller

                My grandfather moved from Arkansas to California during the Migration for a reason…I’m good. But I’ll visit!

                • Let me know and I’ll tell you where to visit! Lots of neat small towns here.

    • My mans should of butterflied the whole chicken so it lays flat. It’s gonna come out with the bottom cooked and the rest undone.

      • Cheech

        Or beer canned it. Make the cavity a vertical chimney to distribute the heat all around.

        • Not a fan of beer canning.

          I prefer to butterfly, marinate in beer, and then grill. Evenly distributes the flavor.

          • Cheech
            • TheUnsungStoryteller

              Beer was made to be with meat. My step father used to marinate bratwursts with meat. It was the best thing ever.

              • Beer is evidence of a benovelent God. It’s how I get my daily serving of veggies.

                • TheUnsungStoryteller

                  I need you guys to cook and grill for me. Forget gender norms. Man were made too cook and grill.

                  I know way too many men who can cook and grill. My God.

                  • My wife always reminds me that my place is in the kitchen.

                    • Cheech

                      Heck, that’s how I got a wife.

                    • TheUnsungStoryteller

                      Ahh…let’s make this official. Let’s the saying to, “A man’s place is in the kitchen.”

                • Kylroy

                  …proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy?

            • How dare you. Nothing with Budweiser looks dignified.

              And there is NO seasoning on that chicken. I expect Chad to serve it with a side of advocado at some flavorless potluck.

              • Cheech

                Savage.

              • “How dare you. Nothing with Budweiser looks dignified.”

                I’ve got a tallboy of Bud at the house waiting on me to pound it and prove you right.

                • It’s your dignity. You want to drink it away with that swill, be my guest. I’m gonna go work on this Guinness Rye I just got…

                  • Cheech

                    (To be clear, I thought the dignity, or lack thereof, of being naked over a fire with a Bud can jammed up the cavity was pretty self-explanatory ….)

              • Alessandro De Medici

                I was gonna make a joke about albino chicken (burnt)…which is apparently a thing.

                http://img11.deviantart.net/088f/i/2006/159/5/9/__albino_chicken___by_amiarashi.jpg

                • tinycurls

                  Pretty sure that’s a turkey.

                • This is a peac0ck sir.

                  • Alessandro De Medici

                    Duly noted.

            • Courtney Wheeler

              BEER CAN CHICKEN!!! My mom makes that sometimes.

            • Ess da 5’6″

              Cheech!

      • Spatchcocking is the move.

        • Best way to make sure a bird cooks even. Trying to convince momma to let me grill the turkey this Thanksgiving in this way.

          • Sweet Potato Kai ?

            I did it a few years ago. It was glorious! Not so attractive though.

            • Cheech

              Jinx

            • Don’t need to look pretty to eat.

          • It’s a really good way to roast chickens.

          • Cheech

            I did that a few years ago. Easy and came out great. But people missed seeing the whole bird before being carved. Even though I do that in the kitchen–carving at the table is only for movies and $$$ restaurants.

  • TheUnsungStoryteller

    5 initial thoughts upon viewing:
    1. What in the world? Where are they at? And why is his fire cabinet on fire?
    2. Ohh…they are definitely from the South. Not just the accent, but this also seems like something Southerners do.
    3. How does he even do this?
    4. *Sees the last drawer* – Ohhhhh…That’s tight!
    5. Man, Black people are magic. We’re so innovative. Been making ways out of no ways since 1619.
    6. Waitaminute…is this even safe?

    • Well, we’re playing with hot coals, so there’s always a degree of danger.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        How does one even think to do these things?

        • grownandsexy2

          Imagification is all I got.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            And Our People have a lot of that.

        • Adapting and overcoming is a part of life in the rural south.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            That’s real.

          • Especially when it comes to making good ribs.

    • Sweet Potato Kai ?

      Is it even sanitary?

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        QTNA

      • The heat sanitizes it.

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Okay science. Didn’t know that.

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          So you just stand in front of a heater every day then get dresys and to work?
          Just run a quick blow dryer on hot in your mouth??

          • *turns off the blow dryer*

            Yeah.

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?

              LMAO

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?

              I’m gonna need balls on the shower, not the oven. Please and thank you!

          • LMAOOO! I felt all the snark on that one.

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?

              Good cause I was giving it. Lemmie eat my bougie meat from Trader Joe’s!

        • Lea Thrace

          clarification on this statement: if it gets to a certain point. so microbes will actually thrive in low heat situations.

          • Kylroy

            Yeah. This thing being at lower than cooking temps, that’s a real concern.

          • *Throws rib bone to a near by pooch*

            Bo, you right.

          • Cheech

            Lea! Hey!
            250 for 8 to 12 hours though?
            If so, tough, I’m eating them.

            • Lea Thrace

              Hi Cheechers! Miss you!

              250F and youre probably good unless you have some really nasty microbe harbored in your meat.

              If youre closer to the 150-180 range, I would worry.

              Disclaimer: I am NOT a microbiologist. Just a biochemist.

              • Cheech

                Yeah, 150-180 is the “hold it for a couple hours AFTER it’s cooked” range. Smoking happens at 200+.

                Monitored by someone who’s been drinking since he built the fire. Which coulda been dawn. Or coulda been last night.

        • What about the chemicals that were used to finish the file cabinet during the manufacturing process? I’m just thinking of toxic particles leaching into all the food :(

      • Val

        Of course not. Lol

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          You are the only voice of reason!

      • Cheech

        Not a question usually asked with BBQ. But sure, if you scrub it before and cook it long enough.

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          Ok, but what about the squirrels and crew running up and through the drawers?

          • Cheech

            The power of fire ….
            (We’re still talking BBQ, right?)

          • Emily Harris

            Then you get squirrel meat too? (*vomit*)

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?
            • Epsilonicus

              Squirrel is good

              • Cheech

                On saltines, with hot sauce and a Boh.

                • Epsilonicus

                  Yup!

              • Emily Harris

                If you mean as a small cute animal running up a tree and entertaining you when they stuff little acorns in their cute little faces, sure.

                • Epsilonicus

                  Squirrel meat. As in you take what you describe and grill it up with the right spices

                  • Emily Harris

                    Uh, no suh. There are few times in my life when I consider myself a lil too sadiddy for some things. This is one of those times.

                  • Sweet Potato Kai ?

                    With right spices shitterlings tastes good I hear. That don’t make it right!

                • Cheech
                  • Emily Harris

                    Awwwww!!! I want burrito eating squirrels in my neighborhood!!!

                  • Kylroy

                    Remembering that squirrels are nature’s a**holes, I imagine that little guy thinking “That’s right, I just grabbed your taquito and I’m looking you in the eye while I eat it. Whatcha gonna do about it, *primate*?”

                    • That would be the Honey Badger. One did this exact thing with a puff adder. Stole his food then whooped his azz.

            • Squirrel is very good.

              • Emily Harris

                I got to say the nay no my damey!

            • CParis

              Organic. Gluten free. Artisanal. Bespoke. Sell it for $50 a pound to the hipsters.

      • Does it matter when a pit master serves you up a plate of brisket and dry rub ribs?

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          It sure does! Yall outchea with dirty meats?

          • Emily Harris

            Dirty meats and blow dried mouf has me dying this morning- I cannot.

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?

              LOL, the men are being super Manish with this one.

          • Epsilonicus

            Some folks done had “meats” dirtier than this in their mouth so…

            • Sweet Potato Kai ?

              Beloved, you wanna take it to mouf meats? Really?

              • Epsilonicus

                The germs on “meats” are worse than anything you could possibly get from a file cabinet grill.

                • Sweet Potato Kai ?

                  You seem to know a lot, so I’ll take your word for it.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    Not really. Just know food poisoning is < herpes

            • Emily Harris

              But those women, and men, are usually compensated for that. A dirty twenty with the remnants of last week’s coke binge usually does the trick, or so I’ve heard.

        • If I feel like I’mma be eating Sharpie juice and paint droppings, then yes!

          I can’t get with this file cabinet filet mignon – proununced FILL-ETTE MIG-NON

      • PDL….HE still working on me

        I hope it’s not toxic, you know chemicals the file cabinet is made of and potential gases getting released.

      • It’s metal. The insides don’t have anything that could be volatile. And the heat is low enough that the heat wouldn’t warp it.

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          It’s crafty, but I’m gonna pass on file meats!

        • Kylroy

          Repeating what Todd said above – it’s a smoker, not a grill. I’m guessing the temperature is ~150-200F rather than the 300+ of actual cooking, so the filing cabinet doesn’t melt or warp.

          • Cheech

            Right, ideal smoking temp is 225 to 250, for hours ….

            Actual bullet or offset smokers are made of metal no thicker than a file cabinet. The drawer structure is supporting the racks; the thin sidewalls are just creating a chimney, holding in smoke.

        • Val

          Lead paint smoking into your food?

          • Kylroy

            The US banned lead paint in 1978. Unless he got an antique filing cabinet, he’s clear on the lead front. Not sure what *else* he might be adding to the meat, though.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        That was my first thought. All those germs in there.

        • Sweet Potato Kai ?

          Clearly the men are some fire cures all tip

    • ValerieTheTenderoni

      “But this also seems like something Southerners do”
      We don’t.

      • 909girl601world

        Ummm…I’m not so sure. The first thing I thought was “damn, I hope my husband (Mississippi born and raised) doesn’t see this…

        • PriceIsRightHorns

          *hollering*

        • ValerieTheTenderoni

          My parents are from Mississippi and they both collectively said NOPE when I sent them this link. All Southerns aren’t alike lol

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        Y’all do. For sure.

  • This ingenious. looks like something that would happen on Dinners, Drive ins, and Dives.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Let’s get this man featured on the show. Someone call Guy.

    • Yep!

    • Kylroy

      I swear to god I saw Alton Brown make a similar smoker out of clay gardening pots.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        That wouldn’t surprise me. Alton Brown might as well be Black with the things he comes up with.

        • Kylroy

          He *is* from Georgia.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            Oh. That explains everything.

          • Seymore Cases

            Shoot, his name is Alton Brown. I mean, real talk, I thought he was black until I watched one of his shows once lol

            • Kylroy

              Man was an actor before he was a cook. He worked *real* hard to get any trace of Georgia out of his delivery before he got that show.

      • Lea Thrace

        you did. that was a Good Eats Episode

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Oh….really? I need to find that episode.

          • Lea Thrace

            Season 7 Episode 4 “Q”

      • Lea Thrace

        Good Eats Season 7 Episode 4 “Q”

      • Epsilonicus

        That is one of my upcoming Pinterest projects

  • Alessandro De Medici
  • Val

    Cheekie!

    I once saw a dude in South Carolina bbqing using a shopping cart. Flipped it over and had the fire going underneath.

    • Dougie

      IT’S LIT!!

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        Pun Intended.

        • Dougie

          100%

    • Cheech

      I love the mobility! Use the cart to haul your whole setup where you’re going, then flip it over.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      I love our people so much.

      • Val

        Me too. We’re incredible.

        • PriceIsRightHorns

          We are creative geniuses.

    • Michelle is my First Lady

      Doing the most.

    • <3 Hey Val boo hey! and lmaoooo I saw a PICTURE of a shopping cart grill, but never in person. OMG, I wish I was blessed with that sight.

    • iplanonit

      Harlem stays with the shopping cart BBQ ??

  • PDL….HE still working on me

    Being “resourceful” is right up my alley. I’m here for the file cabinet cook-out. Now, I’m not about breaking or being in violation of the fire code, that would be the only drawback, but can I get a turkey burger, please?

    The blackest thing I’ve seen (cause I don’t get to see much in a sea of whiteness) is being one of a couple of people that show up on Fridays, which I LOVE btw, shoes off and the heater going, watching a current box office topping movie (i.e. bootleg) that’s playing especially well, leaving early…..all happening on payday!!!

  • Michelle is my First Lady

    And here I’ve been shopping around for grills and waiting for the sales at Lowe’s. You mean to tell me all I had to do was just grab this double deluxe file cabinet from my office?

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4072d9215794cb14a871d21d809b75e739259ba87584e512f5cb179e17bd8d9a.jpg

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Girl…start grilling.

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        All i need is a hypeman

        • AKA The Sauce

          I’m here for you man….I got my phone ready to record wit the ad libs lol

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            I’m serious lol. You’re close now.
            Let’s go!

            • AKA The Sauce

              I’m wit the ish

        • BrothasKeeper

          “….she done took the gatdayme ream of printer paper and the scented candle off of Marjorie’s desk and set dat bish on fye’! Fukk a breakroom microwave, mayne!”

    • AKA The Sauce

      You got the charcoal (paper) right there….i’m bout to bring a plate

      • Michelle is my First Lady

        All I need is for someone to think I’m trying to burn down a federal building lol. You got my bail money?

        • AKA The Sauce

          See…you said nothing about the Feds…Cash me outside pimp lol

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            Lol. Just gonna leave me hanging like that?

            • AKA The Sauce

              Fine…but I’m gone need some real good ribs for this lol

              • Michelle is my First Lady

                I got you.

        • I_AmU

          I personally will set up the GoFundMe page for your bail. I’ll secure for you a special holding area (not a cell) with a flat screen, remote, mini-fridge and a Sleep Number FULL SIZE bed. Along with a personal law enforcement bodyguard to ensure your safety. No worries you won’t be there long. This is peak Resiliency at it’s best! I’m here for it everyday all day. Our ingenuity knows no limits.

          • Michelle is my First Lady

            Thank u!

    • Val

      Right out in the parking lot too. Lol

    • Cheech

      Damb–that’s the pro/competition model.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        She got the deluxe grill right there! You can invite all the VSBs and VSSs to the cookout with that.

        • Michelle is my First Lady

          I found me a hypeman. Now help me pull this out into the parking lot, girl lmao.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            It’s on.

    • Kylroy

      Hard part is going to be convincing your job to let you refurbish the thing for smoking.

    • siante

      got me looking at the filing cabinet in my office salivating smh

    • BrothasKeeper

      You can get at least three racks of ribs and a brisket in that muh.

      • Cheech

        Are you kidding? Each shelf could hold half a dozen chickens, briskets, or pork shoulders.

        • Epsilonicus

          Could do a whole animal

          • Kat

            You probably could

          • NonyaB?

            Lissen, I got costco membuhship AND connections to abattoirs for whole animal orders.

  • AKA The Sauce

    This is the Blackest thing ever….period…the end.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Competition can just go home.

      • AKA The Sauce

        Game over…checkmate…i’ll holla

  • AKA The Sauce

    Potus just said the Stev-o shooting just brought us all together and he said thanks for that…huh

    • Val

      The question is; who is “us”?

      • AKA The Sauce

        And why is he talking bout Cuba

        • Val

          He’s trying to break everything that ain’t broken.

          • AKA The Sauce

            Can I break his face

            • Val

              Careful, Og, Ted Nugent can get away with saying stuff like that but can you? NSA is always watching.

  • That’s technically a smoker, but that’s very impressive. I might have to boost a spare file cabinet from my job and make that a weekend project. That’s some impressive work.

    Also, sidebar. Shout out to the people in Hollywood who stepped it up after the #OscarsSoWhite campaign. People were gunning for Hollywood after they were made aware of Black creatives with the campaign, and they haven’t disappointed. Not only is it good work, but it’s diverse work, with all sorts of Blackness on deck. Not my line of work, but I love it!

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