This Cartoon Me Is Giving The Real Me Beard Envy And I Want To Take It On A Date » VSB

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This Cartoon Me Is Giving The Real Me Beard Envy And I Want To Take It On A Date

GQ

 

This cartoon me — created by GQ for my profile there — is giving the real me beard envy. Deadly serious beard envy. Like, I look at this beard the same way Kappas look at Benetton mannequins. Now, don’t get me wrong. My beard is nice. (Hi beard!) Well, its nicer now than it has ever been. I take great care of it; using all types of combs and fruit juices and prayers and shit to maintain it. And I take pride in the progress it’s made. It’s like my own little Chia Pet, but if the Chia Pet was attacking my face and smelled like Jack Back Beard Oil with Kalahari Melon Oil & Vitamin E.

But my beard has never been this full, this robust, this luscious, this voluminous, this sheenful, this delectable, this bursting, this Philly. It’s a Blaxploitation beard. And not even mainstream Blaxploitation. No Shaft, no Trouble Man, and no Pam Grier, Nah, this is a Dolemite beard. It’s a beard Jill Scott would have written a skit about on Who Is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds Vol. 1. Its a Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom beard. It’s an “I play the trombone for the Roots when they tour through my city. Afterwards, ?uestlove and I always get pancakes and salmon cakes.” beard. It’s a Kenny Latimore concert beard. An Essence Festival beard. A Must Love Beards beard. A “30% of my wardrobe is comprised of fine linens” beard. It’s a bank commercial beard, for a bank in Detroit. If you have this beard and you go to a BBQ — any BBQ — they’re immediately putting you on the grill. I love this beard so much that I want to take it on a date.

We’d start at brunch. It would be a light brunch — maybe crab benedict and a bagel, and no bottomless mimosas, just a small pitcher of peach Bellini — because we have shit to do. And then we’d stroll from brunch to a gallery crawl; taking our time — perhaps even stopping at Suitsupply to browse socks and a vintage record store to check and see if they carry Silent Weapons For Quiet Wars — and enjoying the unseasonably mild weather.

Once there, we’d steal a bottle of lukewarm Merlot from a reception for a live art installation about Black postal workers. (The beard would distract the people at the bar while I hid it in my attache.) And then later that evening, we’d drink it while sitting on a stoop and sharing a king sized chorizo burrito from a taco truck. At the end of the night, the beard would invite me in for some popcorn. But I’d pass because I’d want to take things slow because I’d been hurt by beards before. It would understand, and I’d call an Uber. And we’d wait for the Uber together, and we’d talk about chicken.

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • This is hands down the most ‘Philly Cat’ thing I’ve ever read. How are you from Pittsburgh?

  • misskrisha

    “It’s a beard Jill Scott would have written a skit about on Who Is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds Vol. 1.” — That’s basically all you need to know. (And if that reference doesn’t mean anything to you, I feel for your musical soul.)

  • TJ

    I actually Googled “Kalahari Melon Oil”. It’s not a mythical oil, despite how it sounds. I’m natural now, so anytime I see the word oil…I must investigate.

    The date sounds kind of awesome.

  • DocMaldo

    Damon, don’t trip…

    https://youtu.be/_yVPewAybZw

  • HouseOfBonnets

    So is your cartoon beard single or……..

  • Val

    Check Damon out Hottodding. Lol That’s a cool pic of you though. Now I want a cartoon me.

    • Tasha Lawrence?

      I would take YOUR cartoon on a date. You a dime plus 99 to the nth power.

      • Val

        Lol Stop it, AM.

        *waves*

        • Tasha Lawrence?

          Nope won’t stop can’t stop. You are GORGEOUS.

          ?

          • Val

            Thanks, AM. :-)

            • Tasha Lawrence?

              Anytime ?

  • ? thanks we needed a funny post. I’ve given up any hope of having a beard because I refuse to go the lacefront route.

    • Omg… please don’t go that route.

      • OSHH

        Please, I’m not all on beards, but some dudes can grow nice ones and some Lordt, just scraggaly.

        • Brass Tacks

          Yeah. Not tryna have an Anthony Hamilton situation going on…

          Charlene. If you are reading this, please call that man.

          • OSHH

            BOL

          • Tasha Lawrence?

            You win with this comment.!

          • SororSalsa

            You know Charlene left because of that struggle beard…

          • Cleojonz

            LOL. Love Anthony Hamilton but I am so offended but his situation. I’m like you got money for a shape up B.

            • Regina

              No, no shape up for Anthony. His beard reminds me of a man that fixes cars in his driveway. Looking at him sing reminds me of home.

              • Cleojonz

                I could see this lol.

    • Val
      • Ari

        Noooooo…not struggle beard spray!

      • Lol. I don’t think a beard would fit my face honestly

        • Val

          Don;t you have a goatee?

          • I have some chin fuzz

            • Val

              Mmmm. So why do I remember seeing a pic of you with a Malcolm X type goatee?

              • naw I’ve never had anything above the lip. Just some along my chin

          • Marchellejbaker

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !sx20c:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !sx20c:
            ??
            ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash499HomeGreenGetPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!sx209c:….,….

        • Blueberry01

          I think you’d look handsome with one. Well, you’re already attractive so it will be an enhancement.

          • Mochasister

            I think beards make men look better too.

            • Blueberry01

              I know right! Very distinguished…

      • brothaskeeper

        RIP. LoL

      • Regina

        Dang!!! I love that bearded baby!

        • Kathrynjschwartz

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !se371c:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !se371c:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash671GroupConnectionGetPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!se371c:….,…….

    • AthrillofHope

      That was the laugh I truly needed. Thank you.

    • miss t-lee

      Lacefront?
      Tyra knows she was deadwrong doing that boy like that.

    • Blueberry01

      Try eating more raw, leafy greens, Ricky.

      Leave that takeout alone…

      • 50% of my diet is mango based

        • Blueberry01

          ?

          Mangoes aren’t vegetables nor are they leafy.

          Wait, is that what you call a woman’s….

    • Valerie

      Bless up.

    • Kylroy

      Me either. Dunno if it’s exclusively a white guy problem, but I’ll have a full-on mountain man beard before my mustache is much beyond the toast crumb stage.

  • This cartoon is total BAE.

    • DocMaldo

      Yeah, i think he looks dapped up, for reals/

  • Brass Tacks

    *Strokes Pharaoh pensively…

    I don’t think I have the face for it.

    • Kas

      My wife just told me I need to either get rid of the struggle beard or my longish hair. Tew much going on for her. My solution, get this eight pack back together, and she won’t care about how I look from the neck up.

      • Conrad Bess

        I’m at the barber every 2 weeks cuz when I try to grow in my beard, it looks like a lawn that was fertilized wrong.

      • Brass Tacks

        Eight pack FTW! Now that’s #goals I can accomplish. Speaking of abs…How is the training going?

        • Kas

          Chitty. Work had me falling off in a major way. Jumped back on the horse Saturday

          • Brass Tacks

            Oh ok… As long as you don’t say fcuk this horse you’ll always be headed towards greatness.

            My bench and squat has progressed nicely the last 5- or 6 months. some great gains without a lot of bulk, 15 lbs of lean muscle.

            I’ve recently been asked about becoming a personal trainer at my gym. But I’m not sure about that just yet.

            I wrote about it on my blog.

            • DM.

              Link to your blog?
              I think I’ve plateau’d on the bench, both flat and incline. My squat (and deadlift) has always been solid

              • Brass Tacks

                Suggestion:

                5setsx5reps (starting with roughly 60 percent of your max and gradually increase) for four weeks in a row.

                During the 5th week mix in calisthenics (pushups, situps, chin ups, dips…etc) so the routine wont become monotonous. And then hop back on the bench during your sixth week.

                You’ll see your bench increase by an impressive amount. Without the inflamed muscles, fatigue, or overly bulky gym rat look.

                Oh and Blog link coming soon. I’m cleaning it up a bit before I drop it.

                • DM.

                  Thanks! Let me try this and see how it goes.

                • Blueberry01

                  Make sure you get rid of all of your nasty pictures, too…

                  • Brass Tacks

                    *Removes memory stick.

                    Yea.

                    • Blueberry01

                      :takes memory stick: I know you saved them on here for “future reference”…

                • Kas

                  Shoulders today
                  Dumbbell military press – 6 sets
                  Rear deltoid fly’s – 6 sets
                  Wide grip upright rows – 5 sets
                  Shrugs – 5 sets
                  40 minutes of cardio

            • Kas

              You have a blog? This past summer I was trying to get my bench back up to 3 plates for my 50th birthday. During one of my sets at 280 (feel free to insert rep for set), my shoulders fetched themselves, stood up and said fuck you, and owner to go get a drink of water. Tokd me I needed to rethink my life and they would be back in a minute . . . We have agreed that for the time being 245 is acceptable.

              • Brass Tacks

                Yea. I initially started it to get the creative juices going and write something that could possibly be seen here one day.

                But I like it being it’s own thing. It has become a journal of sorts.

                And 245 isn’t shabby at all

                • Kas

                  245 is embarrassing AF, but it’s my life now if I want to be able to raise my arm above my shoulder.

                  • Brass Tacks

                    245 ain’t embarrassing. People get pretty big off that.

                • grownandsexy2

                  “Yea. I initially started it to get the creative juices going and write something that could possibly be seen here one day.”

                  I knew you had skills BT. Can’t wait to read it.

                  • Brass Tacks

                    Thanks for being a constant voice of confidence.

                    There are some really dope voices within this comment hub.

                    I aspire to be apart of that.

        • Tasha Lawrence?

          Let’s accomplish it together. #relationshipgoals.

      • L8Comer

        you’re that committed to the hair huh?

        • Kas

          I will trim the beard, but I still want the 8 pack. My vanity has no bounds.

          • L8Comer

            you’ll get it then

      • brothaskeeper
        • Brass Tacks

          I thought about you and this gif this morning when the Rocky theme started playing in the gym.

      • Tasha Lawrence?

        Eight pack ya say???? Noiiiiiiiiiiice!!!

        • Kas

          When I first met her I was in decent shape, but south Beach shape (work was getting in the way). When I saw her again 3 months later I back on top. Held it long enough to entice her to marry me . . .

    • AthrillofHope

      But you have the face to be mean mugging and allowing ladies to fall for you? ( I am paraphrasing what you said, I am sure you will correct me if I got it wrong). I see.

      • Val

        Savage!

        • AthrillofHope

          I’m done Val! Lol.

          • Val

            Lol

      • Brass Tacks

        I’m blessed to be able to do great things with what God has given me #message.

        • AthrillofHope

          Do your do, boo. I aint mad at you.

          • Brass Tacks

            I shall.

      • L8Comer

        mean mugging yes. But he never did strike me as the heart breaker type / stressin ladies type. Could just be me tho.

        • AthrillofHope

          We never know.

          • L8Comer

            True. But I rely on my intuition. Malik loves eating box. BT ain’t breakin too many hearts out here.

            • AthrillofHope

              BT has closed lips.

              • Tasha Lawrence?

                I open them.

                • AthrillofHope

                  Hi-5. You go girl.

                  • **leans in**

                    • Brass Tacks

                      Tags in Pop. Cause I don’t know how we got here but would love an eject button.

                    • AthrillofHope

                      Lol.

                    • Not me cousin.
                      Tasha sound like she takes no prisoners or excuses.

              • Brass Tacks

                loose lips sink ships.

                • AthrillofHope

                  Upvote 3 million times.

            • Brass Tacks

              I don’t know how any of this correlates to me, but continue to connect them stars till you make a constellation, Miss.

              • L8Comer

                It was a reference to Tam’s “ladies falling for you” and another recent comment about you being a heartbreaker. Just saying I never got that impression from you. Other people’s impressions and the real you may not correlate at all.

                • AthrillofHope

                  Being a heartbreaker does not necessarily mean stress giver. On the other hand I was referencing a statement which he made.

                  • L8Comer

                    someone else said stressing ladies. I’d think getting your heart broken would be stressful, but maybe not for some.

                    • AthrillofHope

                      True. Some people just move on and eat the next man.

                • Brass Tacks

                  *Squints

                  Ms. Cleo?

            • TeeChantel

              Malik looks like he loves to eat the box. Wasn’t at all surprised when he made that comment.

              • it’s important for skin care

                • TeeChantel

                  Educate your VSBs. You’re living testimony

              • L8Comer

                See? Except he said “like”. I elevated it to love, cuz thats how he looks to me lol. And he didn’t correct me.

                • It is love, love

                  • AthrillofHope

                    So bashful

                  • L8Comer

                    :) i know.

                • TeeChantel

                  He didn’t. We gone keep it at love lol

            • Tasha Lawrence?

              Mine (heart)is enough to equal many, thanks much. Now get your ego in formation Brass.

              • L8Comer

                lolol, he did break your heart, didn’t he?

                • Tasha Lawrence?

                  Oh shiiiiiid. Nooooo. I MISREAD. ANd misunderstood. It’s intact AF.

                  • L8Comer

                    LOL. Intact AF! Glad to hear it :)

                    • Tasha Lawrence?

                      Honey, that’s why you gotta stack on em sidepieces. Don’t give your heart all willy nilly. Protect it, always.

                    • L8Comer

                      A few in rotation is fun. But ultimately, I have a favorite and I prefer one.

                    • Tasha Lawrence?

                      Different strokes for different folks. Do you boo boo. Just don’t get caught.

                    • L8Comer

                      never lolol.

                    • Kas

                      Does this apply for men as well? Asking for a friend.

                    • AthrillofHope

                      Nope, not for you at all. I like you in one piece.

                    • Kas

                      For I a friend I said, a friend.

                    • AthrillofHope

                      Not one named Sak?

                    • Kas

                      RJ

                    • AthrillofHope

                      Cool RJ. But my response is still the same.

                    • Tasha Lawrence?

                      It applies to humans. Are they humans?

                    • Kas

                      Are savages considered human?

                    • Tasha Lawrence?

                      Are dogs considered human?

                    • Kas

                      No

                    • Tasha Lawrence?

                      Ok. So you have your answer to your original question. Toodles.?

    • Tasha Lawrence?

      *stroke it for me, stroke it for me*? sang to the tune of AALIYAH on the boat. Yeah.

    • Blueberry01

      Lil’ Bro, one of your avis was you in the car, right? If so, you definitely have the face for it. But, it will add to your attractiveness.?

      • Brass Tacks

        Blue bout to have me trying stuff I don’t need to be trying.

        • Blueberry01

          LB (you know you’re my little brother/the homie, right??), I will never lead you astray.

  • OSHH

    Champ with the luxe beard eh?!?!

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