Lists, Theory & Essay

Things You Shouldn’t Divulge Until You’re In A Committed Relationship

Why? I don't know. They cute.

Why? I don’t know. They cute.

Honesty is the best policy. The truth shall set you free. Free your mind and your arse will follow. Punks jump up to get beat down. These are all important tenets to keep in mind when dealing with people you may get romantically involved with.

Okay, so only two of them are. But you, The Isley Brothers, and PM Dawn get my drift.

So let’s talk about the concept of chill for a second. One of THE most vital components of any new dating situation is having some chill about yourself. The person who over-reacts and/or puts all of their cards on the table too soon usually loses out. People like mystery even if they don’t like not knowing. Chew on that sh*t three times fast.

Now, this may seem a little bit counter intuitive seeing as we’re all about promoting full disclosure and all that jazz upfront, but there really are some things you just need to keep to yourself until you are in committed relationship…you know, chill on some of the extra stuff, b…so that hopefully they love you enough to be mildly annoyed but ultimately won’t bounce…like a basketball. You go telling people too many of your undesirables too quickly and then you end up more single than one eyed, one arm, one legged man playing Uno who just released his first song.

Hey, PJ, won’t you play that song keep me dancing (dancing) all night (all night)…what are you talking about? Glad you asked.

1. That you’ve got a slightly discriminatory opinion

You can’t come out the gate talking about all the different types of people you you don’t f*ck with. Like the gays, the Blacks, the whites, the shorts, the handicaps, etc. If you’re one of those folks who has one of those opinions about one of those issues, you might want to think about how it may come across to other people. Thing is you might not even feel that strongly about anything but even an inconsiderate opinion might derail that train.

2. That you’ve got an outlandish fetish

You like to f*ck horses in Mexico? You like to drink RC Cola while having your tushy tickled with tassles and Twinkies? No problem. But you should probably keep that sh*t to yourself for a gooooood long while. Everybody’s got a history. There’s nothing wrong with some of that history being part of The Lost Tapes and sealed away in a vault only to be discovered when our 2nd Black president gets inaugurated.

3. That you were on a reality show of ill repute

Hell, anything of ill repute is DEFINITELY not going to get you in the door. But reality show pseudo-success – if you went full success on ‘em you’d definitely be known right – is usually gonna get some judgement. Plus, if I find you pimped yourself out for a television show and looked a hot damn mess in the process then I can’t take you home to my momma. And if I can’t take you home to my momma then I might have to throw you from the train. Momma ain’t raise no fools. Do your dirt by your lonely. Of course this is all purely dependent on you having moved on from it.

4 That you did some time way back when

Of course this is assuming you don’t have any more issues with the federales or the localerales (?). I mean, there you go telling me no again and everything, but if it aint vital to who you are now as a person then it probably is okay to mention later on. Though, there’s a really good chance that if you ended up doing a year in a woman’s prison for stabbing a llama on a bet, your new dude is likely going to judge you and wonder what else you aint mention. Which is a fair point. So I guess there’s really no good time to ever drop the jail bomb.

What else you got, kiddies? What might be some things you might want to share to divulge into after you got that lock down love?

Talk to me, Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • I Am Your People

    I believe in bringing the ‘ugly’ up front, so you can leave before feelings are involved and no one’s hurt. Likewise, I don’t want to find out later that I wasn’t dating the real ‘you.’

    Aside: I’ll never forget reading a letter to the original Dear Abby that went something like this – a woman’s friend was engaged. Her fiance’ kept talking about how he wanted to have lots of kids. Problem – the friend had cancer and her reproductive organs were removed when she was a teenager. She didn’t plan to tell her husband until after they got married.

    I’m sure she pulled a ‘but if you really loved me…’ That’s not first date info, but that’s definitely ‘before isht gets real’ info.

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      I bet that didn’t turn out well. That’s more than not revealing a secret. That’s being outright deceptive.

      • Sahel

        The dark side of love. Willing to do anything yo

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          thas not love ..

          • Kema

            …its desperation

          • Sahel

            Love comes in many forms. Stalker love,Steal yo panties love,Groupie love….

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              About the “Steal your panties love”…
              Miss Alchemist once told me about something that happened to her in Florida ten years ago. A dude that was stalking her saw her at the Laundromat washing her clothes. She left to grab a bite to eat and she found out he took all of her underwear out of the dryer, LMAO!!!

              • panamajackson

                The lesson here…don’t leave the laundromat while washing your clothes.

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

              trust. obsession is not love.

          • panamajackson

            agreed.

    • Todd

      That letter sounds like some dangerous stuff. After all, homegirl doesn’t know if dude is a graduate of the Turner-Brown Institute of Interpersonal Relations, and she may end up dealing with something that will kill much faster than cancer ever will.

    • Kema

      I agree… “If you want someone to fall in love with you for who you are, show them who you are”

    • panamajackson

      Oh I’d definitely agree with that. Most of the things on the list were innocuous. The inability to have children…well that’s a whole different ballgame.

  • Maris

    Hmmm.
    Coming from a relationship that ended in large part due to bombshell truths being delivered in far to few”need to know waves”, I’d say any detail about you that normal society considers standard issue “dealbreakers” should be revealed within a few months. Give the person a fair shot at deciding what they want to do with you before their minds are clouded by er….oxytocin.

    Oh, and don’t lie. Don’t lie if directly asked and then bring it up later like “oh, you weren’t ready for that truth about me yet”. If I asked, I’m prepared for an answer.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      “If I asked, I’m prepared for an answer”

      and thats the bottom line, cuz stone cold said so

    • Todd

      I bet that “oxytocin” stretched you out real good though. It’s amazing how a hormone like that can affect the physical dimensions of a woman’s genitalia. ;-)

      Still, what you said goes back to the concept of not lying but not telling the whole truth at the same time. While someone you’re dealing with doesn’t need to know the blood type, family tree up to 5 generations and genome of the last 5 women/men you were interested in, there’s a whole gap between that and hiding everything. There be degrees to this.

    • panamajackson

      I’m often amazed by how many people aren’t truly ready for the answer to the question they ask. And I’m not gon’ lie, there was definitely a time I’ve asked a question and the answer totally f*cked me up.

      But if you ask me something. I tell you straight up. Then you get confirmation of that truth…how exactly do you manage to get into your motherloving feelings?

      #wheredeydodatat

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        Where was it written that a person can’t feel some way about something you told them just because they asked you the question and you told them the truth? That’s some bullsh*t logic.

        • To’Mas Que Fuego

          I think he’s shunning the way folks handle the emotions (and whether or not you take it out on the messenger) moreso than them having the emotional reaction. He could’ve worded it a lil better though perhaps

        • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

          Yeaaah… “Tell me the truth” is not code for “I’ll be all sunshine and rainbows afterward.” I do think the person should steel themselves for whatever they’re asking for. But requiring that their reaction be amenable to what YOU want it to be… not reasonable.

        • kamakula

          I think this is more for the people who ask you a question, then after you answer it, respond with “Why did you tell me that?” or “You should never have told me”. Not liking the answer is fine – but if you ask a question with a potential answer that you’re going to wish you never heard, why ask it at all? Or rather, why complain that you got the answer to your question.

          In general, people who complain after I do exactly what they requested are people that make me want to shove a pen in their ears.

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    “You like to drink RC Cola while having your tushy tickled with tassles and Twinkies?”

    That’s a just a bit too specific and random. Anything you want to tell us, PJ? I mean, you’ve known us for a while now. We can handle it. Lol.

    • IcePrincess

      Okaaaay? I always knew peej was a dang freak! He jus has that look to him….

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Lol.

      • Sahel

        The entire VSB brethren is a bunch of freaks. Except me of course

        • Michelle

          Exceptme. I am Vanilladespite knowing some interesting people.

          • Rachmo

            This is me all day everyday. I get my kicks through other people’s adventures.

        • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

          lol, had to specify me?? (side eyes Todd)
          and YOU Sahel, are the instigator of all the freaks!! Ringleader!!!

          • Kema

            Jumps in this group but acknowledges Sahel, PA & Todd as group leads.

            • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

              You’re my lone female companion….the VSB Freak Coalition is a male dominated club… but dag nabbit us ladies have a voice too!!! **hands you a tshirt, pin, and calendar of events**

            • Sahel

              Nope,

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              Just so you know, I resent this statement…

          • Sahel

            Prove it

            • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

              We have transcripts!!!

              • Sahel

                Of me being supportive of you and your thirst for fluid transfers,surely you jest

                • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                  all in jest!

    • panamajackson

      Was that too specific? If I remove the Twinkies can we just pretend that never happened?

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Yeah okay, because it’s just the Twinkies part and only that part that sounds too specific to be made up. Lol.

        • panamajackson

          That’s what I thought.

  • FW

    Does “committed” = post-10th date? I’m conflicted and curious. Some of this reads like need-to-know info. 1. Don Lemon-esque opinions? Or 4. Past time in jail or possible Fleece Johnson? Show me your cards (crazy) so know if it’s something I’m willing to deal with given my cards.

    • panamajackson

      Yo…I didn’t even know about the Don Lemon thing until a coworker asked my opinion. And yes she’s Black.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        I hope you’re going to write a post about the ‘Don Lemon’s advice for Negroes’ debacle.

        • panamajackson

          I just may. I just might.

    • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

      “Committed” is after a verbal commitment has been made, right? Shoot. I know some people been in 15-year relationship and them mugs were NOT committed.

  • ChaoticDiva

    “I can’t you home”? Oh really?

    • panamajackson

      Definitely, really. LOL.

      • ChaoticDiva

        So I take it you can haz girlfriend? Lol.

        • panamajackson

          You totally can haz girlfriend.

          • ChaoticDiva

            Oh joy! Morris Chestnut will finally be mine! Wait…that’s not right…

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    Okay, let’s see.

    - Kids are a big one. I’ve known a few guys to keep their kids a secret for a bit.
    - Money problems. This is a difficult one. It would be hard to know exactly when to spill the beans about your horrible credit, $120,000 student loan debt and the seven family members you’re putting through college.
    - That stalker ex that you have who has threatened your life.
    - That you never plan to get married. This could be a problem for a lot of people. So, divulging that after intimacies rather than beforecould be bad.
    - That you are an alcoholic/ drug addict. But, of course you’ve been sober for a while now.

    Anyway, like PJ said, timing is everything. So, I think the best way to judge how much to tell and when is by what your partner tells and when. Especially if you have some really big bombs to drop.

    Also, I think usually people are as water is, we find our own level. Which means probably the secrets we have won’t freak out our significant other to be too much. The problem is when we’re with someone who is out of our normal social strata. Then our secrets are likely to be ones that they would be unfamiliar with and might not handle too well.

    • Sahel

      “Who is out of our normal social strata” huh,Val dated fish people

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        You need to lay off the port. Lol

    • Todd

      I think money problems should be disclosed when you are talking marriage or moving in together. That’s the point where those money issues will come to effect your life. Case in point with my (soon-to-be-ex) wife: when we were planning marriage, she revealed to me that her credit score was horrible. Like I didn’t know credit scores went that low. I don’t want to put her business in the street, but between seemingly hiring Ron Isley’s accountant for taxes, a bunch of f*cked-up roommates who kept all the utilities in their name for a few months of free bills before getting them turned off and some bizarre interactions with banks, student loans and credit card companies, I was amazed she was able to get an apartment on her own.

      Heck, I’m still feeling the effects of her poor decision making, and I have to go through a lot of changes with my taxes just to get a refund through the impacted spouse form. Hindsight being 20/20, perhaps I should have seen than this poor mismanagement was a sign of other issues, but how else could I tell without other stuff being found out?

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Here’s the problem with that, Todd. If you wait until you’ve decided to move in or get married you are probably way too emotionally invested to listen to the common sense part of your mind which may be telling you to get out of the relationship.

        • 321mena123

          Agreed. That convo should come way before moving in together.

          • panamajackson

            So when exactly do you have that convo? You shouldn’t divulge that too early at all.But definitely there comes a point where its okay to talk finances…i just dont know when that is.

            • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

              There’s a tipping point between dating and commitment. That should be the point where a couple goes into a little more detail about themselves and asks more detailed questions about each other.

            • 321mena123

              The moment you make a commitment, you need to have that convo. I am no longer looking for a boyfriend. I am searching for a husband so the way i go about viewing men is completely different than when i was looking for a guy to date. I can’t tell you the exact month but if you start looking at this person as if they may have actual potential of being the ONE, open your mouth and start asking some serious questions: how many kids do you want, do you want to be a stay at home mom/dad, how are your finances, will we need to worry about debt?

              People are so afraid to ask but aren’t afraid about the repercussions of not asking. I’m not here for that. If you catch me off guard, it will be because you lied to me when i asked you and not because i didn’t ask.

          • http://daratmathis.wordpress.com/ dtafakari

            heeeck yeah. Even bring it up casually. “So…what’s your budget looking like to go to NYC for New Year’s?” “Budget? I don’t really budget.” #dealbreaker.

        • Todd

          This is true. That said, this clearly isn’t first date material (or early date material) because you don’t want to put out all your business out there. It’s a hard balance to figure out.

      • Yonnie

        Yeah, when we’re talking marriage and you drop some huge money/financial issues on me, I’m now beginning to reconsider marriage b/c I’m wondering whether or not I can trust you since you hid this from me for so long (if we’re talking marriage & moving in together, we’ve been together for nearly 2 years in my world). Also this:

        Hindsight being 20/20, perhaps I should have seen than this poor mismanagement was a sign of other issues

        Yes. And someone else should have an opportunity to make that determination before they’ve started building their life around a relationship with you.

    • http://taterwithak.blogspot.com/ K. Marie Woodberry

      Oh, those magical kids. When you first meet, they don’t have any. Then about six months in…..SURPRISE! It’s his son’s birthday! *Blank Stare*

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Lol. Exactly. That’s why there’s no point in not mentioning them.

      • Kema

        If you straight up ask about the kids and he denies having any then that leads to him being a liar. Which is a whole other set of problems.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      “- Kids are a big one. I’ve known a few guys to keep their kids a secret for a bit.”

      *cues “Your Child” by Mary J. Blige*

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Lol. PA, if you aren’t working as a music director at an R&B radio station then you might need to consider a career change.

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

          I get that a lot, LOL!

      • Rachmo

        LOVE THAT SONG!

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

          Love that album!!!! Her best three were “Share My World”, “Mary” and “The Breakthrough”.

      • miss t-lee

        Me too…lol

    • panamajackson

      I don’t even know how folks manage to keep kids hidden. I’m not exactly letting women meet my kid, but I make it very clear from jump that I have a child. And that my kid is cooler than other kids. lol

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Well if you’re a guy I don’t think it’s usually too difficult to do. Unless you have 50-11 kids by 50-11 different women. Then the secret is going to come out sooner rather than later.

      • Shamira

        Lol! Like I said above, cats are passing kids off as siblings every day. Sad but true.

    • Shamira

      A friend of mine dated someone for a while that was passing her son off as her brother. It’s a cold world out there. Smh

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Shaking my head too.

      • Todd

        Really? No…really? *smh*

  • IcePrincess

    Ooh, ooh, I have one! And maybe I’m jus paranoid cuz I’m in atlanta. But fellas, if u have any questions bout your sexuality and/or u don’t have any qeustions cuz u KNO u like both, or if u experimented one time at band camp or whateva, let dat sh*t be known!! Please please pleeeeeez do urself & her a favor. I have all the respect in the world for gay people, but DL is not & will neva be cute.

    • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

      GIRL. Atlanta has a TON of creepers. TONS OF EM…I’ve only been here 3yrs and I’ve already discovered more lowkey bisexual men than I have in my entire life

    • Rachmo

      I don’t get that. If you’re bi you’re bi. I mean it’s not something you need to tell me before we get our appetizers but it would be nice to know once we get to the point where someone is topless.

      • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

        its a touchy subject, and unfortunately, disclosing that kinda info doesnt always end well….timing really is everything, not everyone is open minded or accepting, and waiting too long might result in more than you bargained for

        • Kema

          Yea… thats a hard one (twss). Especially for bi females. You tell a man that too early and you are put in the plaything category.

          • 321mena123

            I would think that men would love this though it seems they only love it as a chance to have a three some.

            • Kema

              exactly! plaything category.

              • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                I wish folks understood that bisexuals CAN and WANT to be monogamous too lol

                • Sahel

                  I thought you chose a team.

                  • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                    to be monogamous, you have to eventually “choose a team”, but that doesnt ever rid your attraction to the other team

                    • Sahel

                      So i can hope. Noted

                    • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                      Me marrying my gf simply means I have chosen her as the person I wanna grow old with…doesnt change the fact that a man with broad shoulders built like a linebacker gets my knickers in a frenzy lol

                    • Sahel

                      Huh,you wear knickers. Kema lied to me

                    • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                      no drawls, but for the sake of this conversation, yes—the fanciest knickers in all the land.

                • Todd

                  As someone who has done monogamy with a bisexual woman in the past, I wholeheartedly agree with this message.

                  • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                    and this is why youre my favorite, Todd.

                • Rachmo

                  You know what I’ve never gotten a chance to seriously ponder the “what would I do if…” question since the only bis who approached me wanted me for jumpoff purposes. I’m like damn I’m straight but still why wont a nice young lady respectfully hit on me so I can at least ponder.

            • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

              Its a slippery slope. A lot of men think dating a bisexual woman GUARANTEES a threeway. And some men honestly cant get comfortable with the idea of having to compete with other men AND women. I’ve had an ex tell me that one thing he was uncomfortable about is that he had no peace of mind…if I was straight then hanging with my girls wouldnt be an issue…but since I’m bi, EVERYONE is potentially a threat….it gets really deep, drives me bananas

              • Todd

                Personally, I view everyone as a potential “threat”, then keep it moving. Me worrying about who you can hump doesn’t help me at all, and if you’re so inclined, you’re going to do it anyway. I’d rather get some extra sleep.

                • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                  zackly…..dont bog me down with your insecurities….if you think ima cheat, does it REALLY matter what gender its with? A cheater is a cheater!! If I gave up my awesome single life to commit to you, ya better recognize that means I REALLY want YOU and I’m in it to win it!! You dont give up your single status for just any ol Joe Schmoe and Holly Hobbit lol

          • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

            TRUTH.

          • Rachmo

            Ugh when you’re a woman hinting at anything kinky is tricky. You will quickly be placed into the “she’s a ho” box which is unfair.

            • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

              TOTALLY UNFAIR. Its a Catch 22….they claim they want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets…then they get intimidated by your caliber of freak..weak mortals lol

              • Shamira

                Its thoroughly absurd – like, they want to be able to put your legs behind your head but get mad that you learned how to do that in the first place. FINE, then Imma be a pillow princess and you will deal. Lol. (Some) Guys seem to have an issue with reconciling the fact that some other dude taught you some sh*t previously. Which is boggling to me, because I am more than happy thanking the previous chicks for teaching whoever I’m currently dealing with a proper stroke game. *skips away*

                • Rachmo

                  “Its thoroughly absurd – like, they want to be able to put your legs behind your head but get mad that you learned how to do that in the first place. FINE, then Imma be a pillow princess and you will deal”

                  Seriously. I’ll be all stoked after a “move” like ha just showed him and then realize that they are salty. It’s like well damn if you’re not going to appreciate it I’ll just lie here like a dead starfish and I don’t want to hear any complaints.

                • JayIzUrGod

                  That’s the reaction of whiny people who want to control everything. To even assume that someone is in their 20s/30s and NOT HAVE ANY SKILLS WHATSOEVER screams arrogance of unprecedented proportions. How can you be mad at me for being TOO GOOD? What part of the game is that?

                • Todd

                  The same way some women want to be that Loving Nurturer That Tamed The Bad Boy ™, there are some dudes who want to be that Super Stud That Turned A Church Girl Into a Pr0n Star ™. In an ideal world, the latter would be forced to deal with the former in dating, with their love lives going down in a pyre of codependency until they mature and act like adults.

                  Though I’m not holding my breath.

            • Sahel

              Nominates Rachmo as new VSB freak team leader

              • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                **prepares her Membership Welcome Kit**

              • Rachmo

                Whoa whoa there. I keep it pretty damn vanilla. But if I want to color outside the lines every now and then I want to be able to bring it up without all the side eyeing.

                • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                  embrace what you enjoy. No future in fronting…dont let them clip your wings girl!!

                • Sahel

                  Too late…..

            • 321mena123

              Go for it while doing it. They won’t stop.

              • To’Mas Que Fuego

                This is probably the most effective and practical solution honestly. It’s like telling them without having to tell them….And if they like it they’re more likely to keep their judgment to themselves and deal with the conflict internally.

                • 321mena123

                  Exactly.

            • To’Mas Que Fuego

              ” You will quickly be placed into the “she’s a ho” box which is unfair.”

              Correction: You MIGHT be placed there.

              But do you really want to be with a dude who’s unfair about that sort of thing? Isn’t there a bigger issue at hand that you probably want to avoid if he feels that way?

              • Rachmo

                This is very true. But it’s just disappointing as he11 when you’ve found a nice smart guy with a great job and all kinds of unicorn qualities that wants a total “good girl.” That’s why I only date nerds, they are more receptive to “creativity.”

                • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                  cheers to the experimental nerds of the world!!

                  • Rachmo

                    Finding a guy that works in IT with nice arms is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me!

                    • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                      yes. body & brains. mmmm. le sighhh ~*~

                    • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                      its broad shoulders for me *rawr*

                • To’Mas Que Fuego

                  Great answer! Open-minded nerds are beyond underrated. Good girls on the other hand are a tad overrated.

                  • Sahel

                    No such thing as a good girl. Most are reformed bad girls who want a ring

                  • Todd

                    Amen my brother!

                  • Rachmo

                    I know a few straight up “good girls” and they are lovely people. But it is seems they are all surface. I always want to pressure them into having some shots of whiskey and seeing what they are really like. And by “I want to” I mean “I tend to” bc on the surface I’m safe and they trust me. Fools!

              • Kema

                But this is a big percentage of men. Especially the younger ones. We gotta ease our $exual interest on them gradually

                • Rachmo

                  PREACH KEMA

                • Sahel

                  Pfft,people are different. Take a risk and be straightforward. If your the type to give rusty ventures then say so

                • To’Mas Que Fuego

                  I hear you. It’s practical and all. That reminds me of the post I had on ATRQ where I asked what’s TMI on the first date. Some things are only weird or problematic because you vomited the info out on the first date.

          • To’Mas Que Fuego

            “Especially for bi females. ”

            Couldn’t disagree with you more. I think it hurts men’s chances a lot more than women. Screw the plaything category. Folks wanna “play” with their girlfriends, but most women look at bi men differently (in a bad way)

            • Kema

              Ok… I agree with it hurting a man’s chance more. But thats because most women dont want a bi man. It doesnt matter if he tells her on the first date or the 15th. However a woman that lets a man get to know her first can benefit from not disclosing that information early.

              • To’Mas Que Fuego

                Perhaps…i tcan also give her extra points (he’s thinkin bout that potential threesome down the line when the romance gets stale lol)

        • Rachmo

          Hmmm that is true.I guess I’m assuming every place is like DC where the gays/bis are here, queer, and ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS! The only bi (to my knowledge) people that have ever hit on me were like “Hey I’m Chris, I want to buy you a drink and I’m bi!”

          • Sahel

            Yet

          • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

            Nope, in Atlanta its more like Da Vinci Code…you dont find out someone is bi until you piece together all the clues around the city lol

            • 321mena123

              That is ridiculous. I have asked guys on dates before if they were ever with a man. Like this was on the second date. I want to know.

              • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                u know whats funny? it be the ones who get the most defensive about that question that enjoy having their booty balloon knot played with lol

                • 321mena123

                  Ewww. It does look like a booty balloon knot. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ON MONDAY??!!!??

                  • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

                    I heard one person refer to it as that and i will NEVER use the word @nus ever again lmao

                    …its monday mornting….WAKE UP MENA!!!!

                • Kema

                  Well that ‘booty balloon knot’ is the male G spot. *snickers*

                  • Sahel

                    SMH,look at this. VSB after dark

              • panamajackson

                here’s a question: do you ask bc you’re suspicious or just as a general rule?

                • ForeverCC

                  I’m married, but I used to ask as a general rule. Along with “do you have a girlfriend/wife?” and “is there anyone who thinks they’re your girlfriend/wife?”

                  • Kema

                    “is there anyone who thinks they’re your girlfriend/wife?”Yes!!! The look given by guys in casual relationships is priceless Especially when they try to explain their non-relationship relationship.

                    • Todd

                      Can I say I find it amazing how women slip into non-relationship relationships? They believe they are about that casual mess, but know good and well they are as traditional as June Cleaver vacuuming in heels. LOL

                  • panamajackson

                    that’s a good question. lol. strange times we live in but you do have to ask these things…

                • 321mena123

                  General rule. Nowadays it seems that people want to hide who they really are. I have mentioned on this site before, and no offense to anyone on here, but i don’t believe in bis3xuality. This isn’t to say that i wouldn’t want to build a friendship with the guy but a relationship is not going to happen. Also, as some have mentioned already, people seem to be in the don’t ask don’t tell category. I prefer transparency. It’s the only way i know how to function and i feel that it leads and builds a much healthier relationship.

                  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                    That’s always so funny to me when people say they don’t “believe” in bichexuality or homochexuality. It’s like saying you don’t believe in the sun or the moon. Not believing doesn’t make them not exist.

                    • Sahel

                      At least shes straightforward about her stance. You have to respect that

                    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                      Racists/ bigots are straightforward too but I don’t have to respect what they say. I’ll respect what you say as long as you aren’t denying someone else’s humanity.

                    • 321mena123

                      I’m not denying anyone there humanity. At all.

                    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                      But, Mena, if you say you don’t believe that someone loves the way they say they do or deny that they feel the way they say they do, you are denying them their humanity.

                    • 321mena123

                      I don’t see it that way. Again, my best friend and i have had plenty of talks about this. He knows how i feel and that has never stopped him from telling me about the women and men he dates. In fact, he became more open to me and we grew closer because of it. He knows my heart and knows that it isn’t coming from a place of hate or disapproval. Just because i don’t believe in something, doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I accept that i don’t know how someone else feels but it still doesn’t change my stance. The only thing i have ever asked of him is that he tells every woman that he dates that he is bi and he does.

                    • 321mena123

                      Never said it doesn’t actually exist. One of my closest friends is bi and i have only seen him fully commit to men though he likes having relations with both. This is what i mean. I just don’t believe it but yes, it could possibly exist. I just won’t be the one to test it out by dating and marrying a man who claims he is.

                    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                      Anecdotal experience doesn’t mean that what you are seeing represents the whole.

                    • 321mena123

                      I don’t deny that. I just personally won’t date a bi guy or one that has had a s3xual experience with a man. However anyone wants to frame it.

                    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                      I have no problem with your dating preference, it’s just the denial of some else’s feelings that I was wondering about.

                    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                      Okay, wait, maybe I misunderstood you? When you said you don’t believe in bichexuality what did you mean?

                    • 321mena123

                      I don’t believe that bisexual men can form the emotional attachment to women the way they can form them to men. Because i believe this, it would be a waste of my time to want to start a relationship with a guy who says he is bisexual.

                      I have seen it for women as well though the two i know weren’t able to form the same emotional connection to women that they could for men.

                    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                      Okay, well that’s different from not believing that people can be bichexual. I misunderstood what you meant. As far as forming emotional attachments I would think that would just depend on the person. There is a lot of range in human chexuality and emotional attractions.

                    • 321mena123

                      I am thinking about it on an emotional level. S3xuality ties strongly into who you can commit to. I just don’t believe that bis3xual men can emotionally commit to women the same way they would to a guy.

                  • rachellem

                    I don’t know that I agree that “bisexuality doesn’t exist”. I think sexuality is a lot more complex than we think it is (the McKinsey scale approach). People can have urges or curiosities that they just want to get out of their “system” but that doesn’t always give a clear cut indication of what gender they prefer being in relationships with.

                    However, my question would be if you are bisexual (NOT for play-play *cough* Nicki Minaj but for real) and want to be in a monogamous relationship why not just date other bisexual people (male or female)? That way you have someone who is going to be truly understanding of who you are and what attracts you. I find it interesting that a bisexual person would even want to go out with a strictly gay or strictly straight person. Doesn’t that just make it more awkward for you? Or are bisexual people harder to find in the LGBT community?

                    Am I asking a silly question here? lol

                    • 321mena123

                      “People can have urges or curiosities that they just want to get out of their “system”

                      I don’t know about this. I find a few women to be s3xy but that doesn’t mean i want to do them. I’ve never been curious but it could be because i find softness to not be s3xually attractive. Anything feminine to me is a s3xual shut down. Interestingly, the women that i find to be s3xy look more like the “eat you up and spit you out” type than girly.

                      Anything is possible, i only know how i feel.

                      I think that bi people should be able to date whoever they want to as long as they are honest about their s3xuality. Don’t hide it. Just be you. If your partner accepts it then great and if they don’t then you find someone who will accept you for you.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      Yeah, I was in Atlanta last week. All I’ll say is that the paranoia is justified…

      *Muttley snicker*

  • Sahel

    This is why i advocate for a all ask all tell policy on day one. It prevents sticky situations and you know what your dealing with. If you find out what deep depths of your potential partner sank too then you can decide if your willing to get wet. Not finding out your drowning after months of being at sea.

    • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

      let me get this straight. ~you~ tell all on the first date ?

      • Sahel

        Honest Abe

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

          i am a curious cat. can we skip the whole bit about going on a date and just get to the good part: your story ?

          • Kema

            *sits in half lotus for story*

          • Sahel

            Its nothing big. I rarely do the whole dating thing. But when i do i prefer being to the point. When you want something its best to be open. Not about everything but with stuff which may bring changes in the future.

            • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

              mmm but i want The Sahel Story, replete with scenes from the sperm bank, the friend of furries, and other space oddities. something about your style of commentary leads me to believe you’ve had a very innteresting life ~*~

              Miss Kema shall be joining us. just imagine that, you have two such lovelies intrigued by your histoire. but not to worry, she and i are nothing if not discreet. we won’t speak out of school ~*~

              • Sahel

                Yeesh,that sperm bank internship sucked. I had to deal with stuff that only doctors and nurses should deal with. My life is still a book being written i honestly cant put it in words. But it has been a fun ride.

            • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

              ” I rarely do the whole dating thing. But when i do i prefer being to the point.”

              Also folks, he doesn’t drink alcohol but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis…

              • Sahel

                Dude,when is the wedding. I hear tale you chose to get hitched

      • Kema

        *raises hand* I do! Of course this is so later down the road I can be like “well you knew what you were getting into” lol!

        • Sahel

          Dats ma baby

      • h.h.h.

        “let me get this straight. ~you~ tell all on the first date ?”

        no, i just listen

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1 Perverted Alchemist

      “If you find out what deep depths of your potential partner sank too then you can decide if your willing to get wet.”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVQT3638TZA

    • panamajackson

      Well this does beg the question of asking the right question. Like you might think you’re being told all but folks are only going to tell what you ask. And I’d imagine that asking about a whole bunch of oddball stuff on a first date would be a turnoff for anybody, no?j

      So how does that normally work?

  • Msdebbs

    Yes this hit a home run with me…. I used to date a guy with a serious foot fetish. I thought he was only into massaging feet until he stuck my foot in his mouth. I was done at that point. He got dismissed like the weirdo that wanted me to give him a golden shower…..ewww. Fellas please keep the super freaky & weird ish to yourself.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      lmao

    • Todd

      I don’t mind dude saying he was into the golden shower thing. I’d rather find out stuff like that early on than wait until marriage and find out about that stuff.

      • http://www.NextStepEducation.org/ Bunni

        true….as much as it may be weird to someone else, if thats what really tickles your pickle, your partner should def know about that up front if you will be upset not getting it lol

  • nillalatte

    Oh, boy. Okay, well, I rarely give up information about my past to anyone and then it’s only bits and pieces. Seriously, I learned a long time ago that you just don’t offer up information that is in the past unless it could impact your future negatively. Committed relationship or not. Some things, it’s just better to let a sleeping dog alone. Put the lock on them bones in the closet.

    Now, the caveat to this is, my last friend/lover he and I talked constantly, all night long on some nights (and the next day was a terribly difficult work day!) about all sorts of stuff. He knew about a lot that happened between me and the ex, he knew a lot about my childhood, my parents, etc. When these conversations went deep though, I held back. He wanted that emotional connection, fudge the dumb sh*t. Now THAT is harder than revealing any of the “I went to jail” or “I used to slang dat sh*t” kind of conversation. That taps to the core of one’s being. THOSE conversations are just off the charts.

    • Sahel

      Be proud of what your past Nilla. If everything that has been put into you pointed outwards means you would resemble a porcupine be proud of that fact. Dont hide your true nature and don’t take advice from the internet.

    • Yonnie

      Don’t offer up information that is in the past unless it could impact your future negatively.

      The thing about this is that YOU don’t necessarily know what is negatively affecting your future/relationships. However, letting your partner know the WHOLE you can help them fill in the blanks like “Oh, nilla acts like this b/c when she was 15, such and such happened to her.” It matters.