of all the crushes i’ve harbored, none have impacted my life the way angie williams has.

angie –a high school classmate– was the object of my silent appreciation for approximately three months in the spring of 1997. it wasn’t that she was the finest or sexiest girl in school or anything like that. i mean, she was definitely attractive, but my admiration completely stemmed from the fact that she was f*cking grown.

not “grown” in the “i’ve had boobs and booty and i’ve been boning since i was 12” way or the “my 23 year old boyfriend is picking me up afterschool in his iroc” way, but grown in the way you could imagine an 18 year claire huxtable or michelle obama being. her grown-ness wasn’t overt. she wasn’t the least bit condescending or patronizing. but, she had a general continence and class about her that made her so far removed from the bullsh*t minutiae of high school existence that it was almost like she was a character in one of those teen movies where they cast 25 year old actors as high school sophomores and juniors.

even her usual daily “costume” –black rimmed glasses, guess jeans, and a short, halle berry-esque do when most of the other girls had weave or ponytails– gave more evidence to the idea that she belonged in some corporate office or courtroom somewhere instead of homeroom and study hall

because i was seeing her best friend, i never said anything to her about the crush¹. but, she made such an impression on me that i’ve had a weakness for women with glasses ever since.

seriously, from the woman with the slight lisp who played the school superintendent on season four of “the wire” to tina fey, glasses have a way of making me much more attracted to someone than i’d regularly be. i wouldn’t quite call it a fetish, but…who am i kidding? i’d bag an albino pygmy if her angular frame game was on point.

anyway, thinking about angie and angie’s glasses yesterday made me think of few more non-sexual things that make me much, much more randy than they probably should, and i’d thought i’d share four of them today:

necks

i don’t know what it is, but something about a woman’s slender neck just makes me want to bite it, and then buy it a nice chicken dinner and never call it again.

the seated arched back stretch/yawn

there’s sexy, there’s very sexy, there’s uber sexy, and there’s “seeing a woman sitting down somewhere studying, and watching her do the extended yawn/stretch where she extends her arms and arches her back so much that her sweater lifts and shows a bit of back skin” sexy. that sh*t is so sexy that i’m honestly surprised that the reality kings or someone still hasn’t started a soft p*rn series called “sexy seated stretching sistas” yet.

dress shirts

nasty words and thoughts

enter the champ’s wicked mind

might c*m on collar

voices that sound like “money”

i’m not even going to attempt to articulate the distinction between a voice that sounds like a woman comes from money and a voice that doesn’t. just trust me when i say that hearing it makes me want to do awesome and terrible things to them.

anyway, people of vsb, am i alone, or are there any non-sexual things that also turn you on much more than they probably should?

remember, we’re all fam and sh*t. don’t be scurred

¹i actually did tell angie about the crush when i saw her at a nightclub several years ago. her reply? “wow. you’re not going to believe this but i felt the same way about you“. she then told me that she was pregnant.

i’ve lived a strange life.

—the champ