Things My Mom Can’t Make Me Do Now That I’m In College » VSB

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Things My Mom Can’t Make Me Do Now That I’m In College



I’ve been observing the changes in my behavior since I’ve been at school and away from home for the first time, and I wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? That sucks because there isn’t one. But there is this list of things my mom can’t make me do anymore.

1. Eat Vegetables

For breakfast this morning, I had a plate of french fries. For dinner, I had THREE delicious bacon, ham, and cheese sammiches. My mother tried to instill the value of veggies in my life. Tried real hard. She put green vegetables on my plate at nearly every meal, and fruit at breakfast. She had a food pyramid game that was so raw (BTW: It ain’t even a pyramid, nowadays, it’s a circle), and she really thought she had reached her goal when I called her asking her to bring me green beans and cabbage… OR SO SHE THOUGHT! (Don’t tell anybody, but that cabbage been sitting in the refrigerator since she left them left them there and at this point, I’m scared to open the container because I don’t want to know what old cabbage smells like.)

2. Rep My Set

I grew up in an African-American suburb with my peers trying to turn it into something more gangsta. Growing up in this environment and slowly learning to hate my peers left me with two choices: become the sort that bends over backwards to assimilate, or become Assata Shakur. Rebel that I am, my choice was obvious. But now that I’m in college, I’ve scaled it back a bit– for reasons.

I was Chris Rock who said “I love Black people, but I can’t stand [n-folk].” At the time, I didn’t agree. I was one. Nonetheless, some seventeen years later, the thought resonates. Take my roommate, for example. I don’t object to her, per se. She’s a people, for the most part.

Her friends, however, are rude folk, ugly folk, nasty folk. I walked out my room one time to grab something to eat (not a vegetable) and there are wrapped willies walking in my living room and a love juice stain on the couch. THEN WHEN I WENT BACK IN MY ROOM, THEY HAD SEX ON MY BLANKETS AND BROKE MY DECORATIVE PILLOW!! How do you break a pillow? HOW DAT WORK?! WHERE THEY DO THAT?!

The various shenanigans of my roommates’ friends and others of their ilk have caused me to dial back on my infallible defense of Black folk. So, no—not repping my set as much.

3. Thugging for the Lord

Yes, I’m a 120 pound, 18 year old engineering student from the ‘burbs, and I’m thugging. Now, I know what you’re thinking—you’re thinking, “Hey, that’s a positive declarative! This is supposed to a list about what she isn’t doing. You can’t do that!” Now that I’m being forced into becoming something like an adult, I’m realizing that a great many of y’all ain’t all you’re cracked up to be. Some of you are outright full of it, and it makes realize that I’ve spend my childhood in awe of you for nothing. It makes me firmer in my convictions. I challenge your ideas. I buck your system. I dream of gnawing at your corneas.

One of the biggest and most startling changes in myself that I’ve noticed are my views on religion and spirituality. First of all, I haven’t set foot in a church since I’ve been here, but I find myself more spiritual than ever. I was raised in church, and while my mother is progressive, she’s also very, very Christian. In my grandmother’s church, they have the notion that prayer lasts two hours and you haven’t touched God until the keyboard organ has started up and Sister Martha* has danced her wig exactly 26.7° askew. Now that I have distanced myself from Sister Martha and the Swoop Bang that Tried, I have new perspective. I talk to God daily, all day sometimes. That’s my homie. I know that’s an increasingly unpopular view, and I couldn’t care less. Cuz I’m a thug.

4. Giving Dambs

I’ve never been one to be overly generous with the dambs, but most times I would at least try. In most instances, I would reach deep deep down into the corner of my pocket and come up with one scraggly little damb and I’d hold it in my hand. The poor, little, decrepit damb would cough and look at me with longing eyes and I’d whisper, “Be free” and the little damb would fly. But no more. My dambs don’t fly no more — they got lazy just like I did. You could tell me Little Timmy fell down the well and I’d just do some rendition of “Po’ Little Tink Tink” because: A. Really, Timmy? Again? And B. I don’t care and don’t feel like caring and my mother’s not here to make me care.

I don’t care about deep cleaning — I was all pressed because I accidentally left my dustbuster at home when I moved in, but I haven’t seen it or the right side of a dust rag since August, and I couldn’t care less. I don’t care about appearances — I straight up wore giraffe footie pajamas, complete with a hood with antlers, some black boots, and gold earrings to class last week. It was 60 degrees outside and I was about to be late trying to pick an outfit because everything I picked out left me out in the cold. My need for warmth overrode my sense of appropriate dress. I was snuggly. Obviously my cute wasn’t affected, because I also pulled a number. I guess “no, I quite literally woke up like this” has a certain appeal for the boyfolk. Go fig.


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Jai Celeste

Jai-Celeste is a 18 year old college student who spends her days contemplating the wonders of her new-found adulthood, and debating if it would be easier just to spend her life as a caterpillar. If you're looking for her you can find her in these e-streets, eating bacon and silently judging the mothers of children with improperly punctuated forenames.

  • Folasade

    Not only is the freshmen 15 real, if ignored, it becomes the
    sophomore 20, junior 25 and senior 30. I look at old pics from my freshmen year
    and I want to cry cause I was so thin and beautiful (not saying these two go
    hand in hand cause I’m still beautiful just 20 pounds heavier). Anywho, since
    all the parents on here will give you parental advice, I , as a non-parent, will
    say have fun, skip a class or two (I allocated 1 skip per class per semester),
    take weekend trips to nearby cities (if you don’t have any upcoming assignments
    and test of course), if you choose to get white boy wasted make sure it’s in
    the presence of friends that you trust (big one), only send nude pics with your
    head cut off and no identifying tattoos and/or birth marks (your gonna do it anyway
    so just be smart about it), don’t let any of the hood wannabe hairdressers near
    your hair cause it will never be the same and you will eventually have to big
    chop a couple of years after college, try to do an internship EVERY summer and
    join whatever professional networks there are in your field (hello NSBE), study
    aboard for a semester, make sure you major is something you love and its career
    path is something you see yourself doing, and lastly (and again), HAVE FUN!
    These really are the best four years of your life, after graduation life sucks
    and student loans kick in so don’t rush and enjoy the experience.

    • don’t let any of the hood wannabe hairdressers near
      your hair cause it will never be the same and you will eventually have to big
      chop a couple of years after college

      LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN!!!!1111 The jacked up hair game is REAL on these college quads. There was a reason I stayed with the same barber from HS in college. In fact, that would be my first stop whenever I came home. These hood stylists/barbers will get you got getting experience. LOL

      • Folasade

        Smh the struggle was real.

    • JAC

      “Not only is the freshmen 15 real, if ignored, it becomes the
      sophomore 20, junior 25 and senior 30.”

      Preach–still tryna to work the 30 and 25 off.

  • Julian Green

    I remember when I was like you; when the world was fresh and new and I was living in a pillow fort built by aspirational dreams and new found independence.

    That was before student loans, fast food and life inside of a cubicle came through and said “Fuck your fort, lil nigga!”

    • The funny thing is that I made a lot of my practical goals in college happen…and ish went left ANYWAY. Like it’s never a neat journey, even if you do live your dreams.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Life is that impossibly huge dildo you see at the shop one day and say yo…that’s not real..nobody can use that.
      And then one day you’re bent over about to create the new holding track for Penn Station in your rear. Because it gets that bad.

      • Meridian

        The accuracy though.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          I’m saying though….there’s a reason why the most stressed out people can’t sit still.

    • SuperStrings

      Baby Boy status in the BET lineup.

  • Sh t, am I old now?

    • Aly

      Yes. But also, no.

    • Angel Baby

      Man I couldn’t even get through all this bc I felt so archaic!!!! Anytime I deal with the much younger generation it makes me not want to have kids. SMH WTF are “wrapped willies”??? Jesus Jesus Jesus lol

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I sincerely thought she was talking about blunts for a second.

        • IcePrincess


    • RewindingtonMaximus

      You one of a us now son.

    • IcePrincess

      No, fool. Nice try tho. Now get over there on the rug, they’re serving goldfish & fruit snacks ????

    • ChiefbutnotA_Keef

      Lol you stole my comment. Ive been reading vsb since my freshman year (im 23 now) and this is the first time ive ever felt old reading this blog lol.

  • Tonja (aka Cheeks)

    LOL this was hilarious. And your avi is too fierce! Werk!

  • SuperStrings

    “I’m realizing that a great many of y’all ain’t all you’re cracked up to be. Some of you are outright full of it, and it makes realize that I’ve spend my childhood in awe of you for nothing. It makes me firmer in my convictions. I challenge your ideas.” This one is tricky. While there’s some truth to what you’re saying, as you get older, you’ll likely double back on some of this. You’ll have kids, a family, be faced with some difficult decisions (some of which you’ll get wrong), stumble a bit. You may find that your experiences lead you to embrace the very ideas you now challenge. In the meantime, enjoy the journey!

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      Happens to all of us. She won’t believe how many times we have to do double takes about our critical thoughts from the past, on some “really though? I was thinking that?

    • Meridian

      When I first got into college I thought people who were older than me should always be respected in their beliefs and wisdom because of life experience alone. I started to realize that most people say the right things at the right moments but when it actually comes down to living out those beliefs and principles, they never quite embody what they express. I’m definitely more grounded in my own beliefs and principles because of that. That’s not to say I’m not open to growth or influence but I try to only follow people/listen to people who genuinely deserve that respect (as opposed to just listening to everyone because they’re older and more experienced than I am).

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    Yeaa…..I’ma need you to poison your roommate ASAP.

    Smashing on the couch…and then on your bed? How long where you gone? What in the blue sky were you cooking to give them enough time to smash on your bed while you were looking for food?

    -1 points for Gryffindor

    • Man lissen…if I had a dollar for every time roommates either tried to c*ckblock or do some f*cked up $ex sh*t in college, I could have been paid off my student loans. LOL

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Word to me, somebody gets smothered in their sleep with a lead pillow for that.

        • The worse situation is I’m standing in my bedroom with my girlfriend at the time, and it’s like 3 pm. I ask my roommate to get on to the student center, hint motherf*cking HINT!!!! Dude decides to tell me that he has work to do, and that he possibly couldn’t switch rooms.

          It took ALL I had to not just kill him on the spot. Like you can’t walk 10 minutes at 3 PM??!! Really, motherf*cker! REALLY!

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Hence why I had a single dorm for one semester, and my own apartment the next semester. I was not about that life. Fuck that.

            • Rutgers dorm were funny back in the day, where the semi-autonomous college system effectively some students in various colleges from living in such rooms unless they pulled a LOT of strings. I definitely feel ya though.

          • IcePrincess

            Woooow, I can’t stand ppl like that. What a hater!

    • ??Jessica??

      You cant even be mad that they smashed on her bed tho…. When in college having sex on your roommates bed should be a part of your sex list… I’m sorry but it just should!!

      The stains tho?? I would have a fit about it!!

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I would have never dreamed of smashing on my roommate’s bed, mainly because he was a nasty summabitch, but I guess there’s some thrill in it. Still gonna get somebody murked though

  • Thanks to some interesting adventures with some college friends and scurvy in a Western society, I stayed on that fruit and veggie train. Heck, my backpack looked like a greengrocers if you caught me on the right day. Plus for a college guy, while you likely don’t need help getting it up, it does help encourage, in the words of VSB Legend The Ugly Kid, kidnapping. Trust me on this one.

    That said, challenge ish. While some of it may prove worthwhile after you grow up, some of it will keep being BS when you grow up. This is when you REALLY learn how you grew up, once you start comparing receipts with your classmates. Then you assess the damage and figure out how to fix things. Good luck!

    • IcePrincess

      You kno, I always wonder what ever happend to TUK. I hope he didn’t catch a bullet. You kno he was living in one of the most dangerous parts of Chicago. I was just thinkin bout him the other day.

  • Meridian

    I’m not JUST out of college but I only graduated a couple years back so a lot of this stuff I can still relate to. I was raised Christian and those values/ethics carried over into how I experienced college. Post-graduation I’m realizing being a good person by my own standards is enough. I don’t have a personal responsibility to every soul I come in contact with. I was raised in the suburbs so the sheer exposure to black people who had different backgrounds than me, being on par with people from different cultures who looked nothing like me, threw my identity for a loop. Sometimes I felt the need to champion black excellence, sometimes I just wanted to be drunk at a party turning up to hyphy music, sometimes I wanted a front row seat to Hinduism. There’s a range of blackness to experience and humanity to experience and you find the balance as you go along. YOU choose how you’re molded and what you’re molded by.

    Things my mom can’t make me do:

    1. Reject men. I was so picky due to the advice and guidance she gave me prior to going to college. One rule of thumb I came up with for myself (and not just with s*xuality) was never put yourself in a bad position just to say you had fun. I definitely turned down a lot of things that would’ve been fun to experience because it was just a poor course of action. However, now I can be open. Who I do it with is still going to be a strict thing I think but I mean WHAT I do with said person and am willing to try is a lot more up in the air.

    2. Do things the right way. I was never allowed to half a*s anything but I’m far more easy going now. I give my all to things that require it and things I’m passionate about, but I don’t feel as great a need to prove myself about every single thing just to say I did it the right way.

    3. Form habits. I go with the flow. I do things at my own pace and in a way that’s organic to how I’m processing life. I don’t have that core routine of adult sh*t. If I don’t wanna iron my shirt that day I’m not going to. If I want to take a weekend off because I feel overworked than I’m going to do that. I don’t make my bed or drink milk at breakfast every day. I do what my flow desires and that is incredibly liberating.

    • Folasade

      “I was raised in the suburbs so the sheer exposure to black people who
      had different backgrounds than me, being on par with people from
      different cultures who looked nothing like me, threw my identity for a

      Yes and Yes. I was raised in the suburbs (except the times I lived in Nigeria) in a very African household and community so college was definitely a culture shock but I rolls with the tide well and enjoyed my time and the people I met (especially my best friend).

      • Meridian

        Absolutely. It’s a lot of fun though because you get exposed to so much and you get to discover so many new things. The dabbling in cultures and lifestyles is awesome. It’s still really overwhelming initially though.

    • RewindingtonMaximus

      My first semester at Howard was the first time nigs from the suburbs had the audacity to look me in my face and tell me I wasn’t hood enough. I all about flipped out after that. I recognize now my Brooklyn upbringing gives me a certain view of life that most people don’t get anywhere, but I used to be so heated about how suburb people so badly wanted to be hood.

      • IcePrincess

        Like when esquire confronts nu-nu in her dining room, and he’s soooo disgusted with her. He like, “you really wanna be ghetto, don’t you?! You can have the piss in the hallways, I’ll take the Picasso!” #ATL

  • Imoteda

    Lawd! i read a total of 100 words and concluded that I am old as hell and cannot relate. Plus eat your vegetables, freshman 15 is a myth. It’s more like freshman 35 and you don’t want to be 35 trying to figure out which veggies work for you and which just help you gain more weight (hint- corn will always make you gain weight)

    • Ms. Bridget

      That’s cause corn is not a vegetable, it’s a grain…

      • Imoteda

        Ah this is true!! Eat your veggies then young grass hopper

  • Neptunes presents The Clones

    Dang,am old. Lol

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