Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

Things Men Talk About When Women Aren’t Looking

“For real? I never would have thought that using my girlfriends razors and body wash mixed with her nail polish remover would get me a clean shave on my balls. Thanks man!”

If I had a dollar for every time a woman was surprised after I told her that guys actually talk about feelings and emotions amongst one another I’d probably have enough to buy Oprah – the lean years. It would seem that most women that all of men’s conversations involve strippers (a lot do), pr0n (a lot do), and sports (even our emotional convos involve sports analogies or references to sports figures going through what we’re going through). Oh, and hip-hop. They also ALL involve hip-hop especially since rappers are now on vh1 putting their relationships on blast. That might actually be the best assist ever to men. We can watch some of these shows in the name of hip-hop (and all that’s wrong with it) all the while truly satiating our inner gossip.

By the way, Scandal might be the most ratchet show on television and is Basketball Wives for the educated set. Yeah, I said it.

Anyway, the point is, men have a lot of deep and meaningful and ridiculous conversations that probably sound a lot like the conversations women have. Hey, people are people and men, we’re a people. You’d like some examples? I got examples. Let me consult my (dated political joke coming in 5…4….3….2….1) binder full of b*tches. Word to Mitt Romney.

1. Our hair (or lack there of).

So you know how there are Facebook pages and twitter hashtags dedicated to #teamnaturalhair and #longhairdontcare and all that joyous pride women have in their hair – though perms seem to catch all types of hell. Seriously, why does what that chick does with her hair affect your life? Women, so beautiful but so angry when it comes to hair. Anyway, guys? We do that too. Though usually its guys who are either going bald, are bald, or just shave their head because they like the bald look. See, noboby likes razor bumps and as bald men, you’re entire life is dedicated to finding that perfect shave to eliminate the possibility of such inconveniences. So guys trade tips on what types of razors we use and what type of products we use after the fact. Things like how often do you shave, do you go with or against the grain, what products don’t work, etc. Many a woman will tell you a smoothly shaved bald head is a thing of wonder…well, men we notice these things too and if we’re bald we want to achieve that thing of wonder. While I’m sure there are some support groups for men who shave their heads, I don’t know any guys who would actively seek them out and put their FB profile on it to yell it loud, “I’m bald and I’m proud.” These same practices also occur for chaps with locs.

2. Which rappers/athletes are sleeping with so and so, etc.

Obviously we all know that men gossip just as much (its not more) than women. However, our gossip…#itsjustdifferent. We talk about who ball players and rappers are dating. And if they do something stupid we acknowledge it as well, but largely we tend to be amazed at how certain rappers manage to to snag the baddest chicks at all times. Etc. We also like to talk about how some rappers and athletes seem to be total b*tches and how we’d never want to hang with them either. Etc. Ya know, guy stuff.

3. How f*cked up so and so is for doing such and such…

Despite what we display to the world via our thuglike exteriors, men are amazingly emo. I know, Captain Obvious checking in. However, guys also do tend to hold their boys accountable for a lot of dumb sh*t that we do. Just because we tend to eschew all advice and consult that would likely help us out in life doesn’t mean we’re not getting it. This could be a function of having good friends – which I do – but there hasn’t truly been a bad decision I’ve mad yet that hasn’t been questioned by my boys in a very methodical and sensical way. Same with relationships, guys will talk very candidly and openly about both the good and bad in their relationships amongst one another. I mean, we all need somebody to talk to. I might seem unbelievable since many women complain that men won’t open up about our feelings to them but we do tend to share them with our boys at times. I know, its counterproductive. I know. But hey, we’re human.

4. Self-improvement….

While I think that women are probably the largest consumers of self-help books and programs – notice I said largest, not only – guys will absolutely discuss ways that we can improve as people and what we need to be doing to be a stand up person for the community and for our families, etc. Again, we might not be perfect in our own personal dealings but we largely know what we need to be doing and we talk about that a lot. “I need to step up for my family. ” “I need to take more of an active role in helping out around the house”. Etc. These convos happen.

Now, these converse tend to feature a lot more colorful language than they probably do when being held by our ladyparts counterparts but they do indeed happen.

Fellas, what are other convos we have that women would be surprised we’re having? Ladies, have you ever been privy to a convo you were surprised your man or any man was having?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. COUNTRY NINJA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

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Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://awordorthree.com Crystal Marie

    I’ve heard my dad discuss avoiding ingrown hairs in beards and such for years. I noticed a lot of guys, particular the educated set, like to talk or vent about how their high school/childhood friends think they’ve “changed” because they’re on their grind. There’s a lot of “I can’t even come around the way anymore” angst out there.

    Good post, P!

    • http://www.twitter.com/mcnairian5 Fiveisthenumber

      We are sensitive creatures. It takes the right amount of trust and security to get us to open up. Deep inside, we want to be the best men we can be and shat. *passes Tito a tissue*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      thanks a mill-i-on. i hope to never have that convo.

  • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

    My dude has a group of friends, they call themselves The League. He’s had them for longer than he’s had me and so I was surprised to hear that they went to bat for me during one of the times he and I were beefin. Like, they met me once, decided they liked me (and how their homie was when he was with me) and that was that. If only girls could be that decisive on whether they like you or not and why.

    In short though, no, I’m not surprised by men who display depth and interesting conversation as much as I’m annoyed by the ones who don’t. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

    • DG

      “…so I was surprised to hear that they went to bat for me during one of the times he and I were beefin….”

      That’s not uncommon. As men, we tend to recognize when our boys have a good woman…and we usually want sh*t to succeed, esp. if we know she makes him happy.

      • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        Now see, I didn’t know that.

        *takes out notepad*

        Anything else I should know?

        • http://uphereoncloud9.wordpress.com Wu Young, Agent of M.E.

          DG is right, if a dude has friends that won’t defend you that’s tell about him and his friends.They are probably back biting crabs. For good or bad your boys should tell you the real about your s.o’s.

        • http://www.cornerpolitics.wordpress.com Breazy Hale

          Plus I think we are better friends to each other than women are, we’ll tell what you need to hear as oppose to want you want to hear and we don’t care if we hurt your feelings if we feel we are trying to help you.

        • Rewind

          His boys are your boys, whether you know it or not. They don’t have to know much about you. As long as he doesn’t complain about you everytime he sees them, they will protect you at all times. Get into a fight at the club? They’ll split someone’s wig with a bottle. Beefin with a chick who won’t let bygones be bygones? They’ll find a chick that will teach her the meaning of “bye” & “gone”.

          • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

            I had a theory about that for years but never dated anybody long enough to really test it but it’s true: His friends are my friends and that’s something I can get behind (cause his friends are type dope and tall).

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Cosign!

        I want all my dudes to win. If she makes you strive to be better / do better. She’s got my vote.

      • Brother Mouzone

        +1……When one of our boys lucks up and finds a truly good woman, we let him know what he’s got and try to make sure he doesn’t f*ck it up.

        • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

          And now ya’ll have got me thinking that, as a token of appreciation and/or goodwill I should bake them something and possibly do their laundry just once.

      • Asiyah

        I’ve seen this with men, and I find that commendable. No petty jealousies.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      yeah, i wrote a whole post about this a long time ago. your man’s boys are more responsible for your man staying in that relationship than you are. as long as he has good friends.

      • http://www.twitter.com/epsilonicus Eps

        Church!!

  • msdebbs

    Men gossip almost worse than women. Me and a friend slept together and I didn’t want any of our other friends to know….this man sang like a bird the first chance he got. I didn’t know that EVERYONE knew until someone (not him) brought it up when we were all hanging out. And sorry P I disagree Scandal is good tv nowhere near as ratchet as basketball wives.

    • Iceprincess2

      What channel does Scandal come on? Um, er, someone else, not myself, might want to check it out. I don’t, cuz I’m not ratchet, but ya kno, someone out there might ;-)

      • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        ABC on Thursdays after Grey’s Anatomy. You know, for your “friend.” ;-)

        • Iceprincess2

          Preciate it. I’ll be sure to pass this info along to her lmao

          • msdebbs

            they have the whole first season on Netflix…wasted a whole day watching it that show is soooo darn good

            • Sweet GA Brown

              Makes mental note to watch on Netflix….

              • Sigma_Since 93

                Or you can watch on deman (if you have fios) or at ABC.com

    • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

      It could’ve been he was just so happy to get with you that the hills were suddenly alive with the sound of music that he had to share and sh*t.
      I mean, that happens for guys, right? o.O

      • Iceprincess2

        Man, he ain’t sh*t if he blabbed to errbody. Kissing & telling is lame as hell, especially if yall supposed to be friends. He might coulda hit again if he knew how to keep a secret lol. Idiot.

        • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

          People kiss and tell all the time, they just tell people they know either a) don’t really care or b) are loyal friends. *shrugs*

        • nillalatte

          I’m with Ice on this one. Lame. That is a prerequisite; if we sexing, you not telling unless we’re officially together. Then it’s a different story. Otherwise, I prefer to keep that shyt on the low. Ain’t nobody’s business, but our own.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/mackaroto Jay

          He might coulda hit again if he knew how to keep a secret lol.

          Exactly.

        • Asiyah

          That dude is LAME. YES!

      • msdebbs

        I think thats what it was because he had been trying to get in my pants for a few years. I didn’t know one moment of weakness would lead to everyone knowing my dang business.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      “Me and a friend slept together and I didn’t want any of our other friends to know….this man sang like a bird the first chance he got.”

      In his defense, maybe you mave have put it on him. Just throwing that out there…

      • http://testorshia.blogspot.com Tes

        That’s what I said…

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          Now just imagine how he would act if she had a chance to rock the mic right, yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhh *in Freeway’s voice* LMAO!!!

    • Rewind

      If we tell people we slept with you, it’s because somehow you were percieved as top tier v-j, and he gets to claim “he won”.

      Is it right? No, but humans love achievements, and if we achieve something, what do we tend to do? Make sure everyone else knows.

      • http://katwebbmusic.com KitKatCuty84

        I read somewhere, maybe Cosmo, that the more a man cares about a woman, the more close-lipped he is about their “relations”. As in, he’s fine spilling EVERY detail about a booty call, but you won’t know what goes on with his WOMAN.

        Is there any truth to that?

        • Iceprincess2

          Dats what I’m sayin! If he was a true friend, he would have kept his pie hole shut.

          • Rewind

            Real talk, that wasn’t about your friendship, that was about his pe-nis having a lengthy conversation with your vag-ina.

            You somehow mistook your friendship as still intact once you had sex. To that, I say “HAHAHAHAHA”.

        • Rewind

          Pretty much. Unless our friend is the closest of the closest, we aint saying shyte about our #1 lady. But some chick we just bust down? Yup, we’ll talk.

          Honestly I can’t speak for other dudes, but if I tell my dudes or lady buddies something, it’s cause I know it’s just between us. If you got peeps that tell the whole town, that’s a seperate issue.

        • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

          more men i know than not adhere to this .

  • Iceprincess2

    I’m shocked at the self-awareness I’ve seen certain dudes display. A couple of dudes I know who are closed off emotionally to women actually KNOW they have walls up, and they both said it’s partially due to a perceived lack of love shown by a parent growing up, one from his mother, the other from his father. Interesting…

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      From street chick to psychiatrist…I see you!

      • Iceprincess2

        Lol! I wear many hats, my friend. Now I’ll go back to driving folks on here nuts with my bad spelling & grammar, cuz dats how I roll ;-)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      I think many of us know our problems. the problem for a lot of women who deal with those men is that it stops there. knowledge with a lot of inaction.

      • jaytee

        I think another problem too is that women want to be the ones you confide in, which I dont know if that is always good or bad. Whether a woman is being pushy or not I think guys tend to see it as nagging either way.

    • Rewind

      If left alone, a man can be aware of his own issues. The problem is, when someone is TELLING YOU how to fix the problem rather than understanding fixing problems are not just about methods, but timing as well. We don’t all get to understand problems at the same time.

      A good example is school. No matter grade you were in, no matter the lesson, there were always a few students that didn’t get the information the teacher was giving during a lesson, and needed either time or extra help. Adults have the same problem.

    • Asiyah

      I find men to be pretty self-aware, which is what p!sses me off even more when they do mess up. A lot of times, they know what they’re doing but they still mess up anyway LOL

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    None of these things about men really surprise me as I’m often their “boy with boobs.” Something about me makes dudes have diarrhea at the mouth when it comes to their life, emotional or otherwise.

    I think it’s my cheeks.

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      No, it’s your…nevermind…

      *walks away*

      • Sweet GA Brown

        Uhhh….I wanna hear this…

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          No you don’t *snickers*

          • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

            Hmm.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      Something about you makes me wanna tell you about my day lol

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        I see… lol

    • Rewind

      You got the “open invitation” face. Make people comfy just looking at you. Then you got the same vibe going when you talk. Don’t be surprised that people put their feet up and eat some popcorn while typing to you.

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        I seriously DO have open invitation face. You nailed it. I attract all the crazies in downtown Chi, too. The STORIES I have… (which are partly my fault since I enable the crazies just so I can have a story, but iDigress)

        • Rewind

          You aint alone. I don’t have an open invitation face, because being 6’2, 260 lbs with a permanent screw face thanks to Dad’s genetics stop that shyte ASAP. But my attitude reels people in, letting them tell me all sorts of stuff than even gynos would blush at.

          • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

            Even my screwface makes folks wanna pat me on the head. SMH…

            • Rewind

              lmao cause you too damn cute

    • Asiyah

      Same here, Cheekie. Except I gots no boobs. But hanging out with me is like truth serum to these jerks LOL

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        Orders a round of dranks for this table for two. Also, I would say that I’d share my boobs, but I’m rockin with a B cup and need all I can get. I am not in a position to donate, but… CHEERS!

        • Asiyah

          It’s the thought that counts. Thanks for having me in your thoughts. CHEERS!

  • http://www.twitter.com/black_yoda Black Yoda

    I don’t do none of this sh!t, but guys are different these days…pee sitting down, get their eyebrows done, bikini waxing, etc. so I imagine these types of conversations are much more common than they once were. Oh well, if you can’t beat ‘em….let me go set my DVR so after a long day of doing hair at the salon me and the fellas can crack open the moscato and dish dirt while watching The View :-)

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      “but guys are different these days…pee sitting down, get their eyebrows done, bikini waxing, etc. so I imagine these types of conversations are much more common than they once were.”

      Unfortunately, a lot of dudes grew up in a single parent household where the mother was constantly present in their lives. So they began to take on traits that one would consider to be a tad…uh…”different”.

      Not passing judgement- just a keen observation.

      • http://www.twitter.com/black_yoda black yoda

        I’m with you on that. I try not to judge either. I leave the judging to. God or Judge Joe Brown (whichever one you see first) :0) I’m j/k, but seriously check this out:

        OG gets a judge Joe Brown: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCSxlO2tk8c&sns=tw

        I defy you not to laugh at the bark at the end :0)

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          Who did that dude think he was, DMX? LMAO!!!!

      • http://www.twitter.com/black_yoda black yoda

        Well, MsDebbs only took exception with the first one. And how much were people paying for some Air Yeezys? Sounds like a cosign to me… :0) But I’m not trying to judge. I just hope to be out before everyone’s wearing full body leotards and there are only unisex bathrooms because everyone has the same waifish figure of a Korean professional gamer.:-)

        I hear you on the generalizations and shid, but if I may submit for your perusal exhibit b:

        Thug Gets Bold With Judge Joe Brown! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey0yPhNyGBs&sns=tw

        I wish I could say this was an anomaly. Unfortunately, I’ve taught high school so I can’t. But I’m not judging. I’m just wishing the ladies all the best with the crop they’re raising as I quietly make my exit. Throws up deuces hard like Pam from Martin PEEEAAAACCCCEEE!!!!!

        I’m just messing with y’all(but not really) :0)

    • msdebbs

      peeing sitting down??? No sir!

      • http://www.twitter.com/black_yoda black yoda

        But the other two things? :-)

    • Breezy

      Black Yoda: you are a clown…lol. The only dude who does these things is Kanye…stop making generalizations and shid :)

      • http://www.twitter.com/black_yoda black yoda

        Well, MsDebbs only took exception with the first one. And how much were people paying for some Air Yeezys? Sounds like a cosign to me… :0) But I’m not trying to judge. I just hope to be out before everyone’s wearing full body leotards and there are only unisex bathrooms because everyone has the same waifish figure of a Korean professional gamer.:-)

        I hear you on the generalizations and shid, but if I may submit exhibit b for your perusal:

        Thug Gets Bold With Judge Joe Brown! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey0yPhNyGBs&sns=tw

        I wish I could say this was an anomaly. Unfortunately, I’ve taught high school so I can’t. But I’m not judging. I’m just wishing the ladies all the best with the crop they’re raising as I quietly make my exit. Throws up deuces hard like Pam from Martin PEEEAAAACCCCEEE!!!!!

        I’m just messing with y’all(but not really) :0)

    • Not for today

      ………..I only sit down because I hate having to mop the floor when I miss…………

  • http://www.minoritymenshow.com Mr SoBo

    Men discuss their disappointment with failed relationships, as well as express their true feelings for any particular woman amongst themselves, rather than with the actual women that needs to hear it.

    I guess deep down inside, men understand that by being emotionally expressive towards or in front of the opposite sex is not a good look, for fear that it might appear as a sign of weakness. As much as women complain about men having a lack of communicative emotion, the reality is that if men decided to express their feelings, panties all over the world would collectively appear to be lined with Bounty. Just thought I would throw that out there.

    Anyway, to echo your sentiments Panama, men certainly have a lot more constructive conversation than is thought. Or rather, men who set out to lead constructive lives generally tend to be the ones having those sorts of conversations that defy the expected stereotypical caveman discussions the world seems to think they have. Men understand there is a lot more to life than booty, and our private conversations are reflective of that. We discuss the weather. Ask each other the time. Are genuinely concerned about traffic conditions while heading to work. And yes, we even talk about love. As men, we are our own support group, as we have no choice but to be. We discuss amongst ourselves the very things the world tells us we should be ashamed to speak and display publicly….Feelings. Particularly in front of women. Which is why there are just some things the opposite sex should just not be privy too.

    But good write up Panama. It is important for women to at least consider that men actually have thoughts and concerns beyond the wet naps they sit on. I would love to give additional examples of such, but all I keep thinking about is booty. Go figure.
    Good night all.

    • chameleonic

      you know, as much as i portray i want a man to be “vulnerable” when he talks to me, i really just want him to come down enough so that i feel comfortable with him. im not even so sure id wanna hear this stuff. i would. highlight reels and struggles and triumphs. i like when men speak of themselves as humans with thoughts and depth. but….i dont think id wanna hear too much of it. i dont think id think much of him. a friend. but a mate? na. i honestly kinda like the rock and shell but i also wanna be able to open myself without feeling crushed by your need to be all powerful and stoic.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        interesting point. i think many women, who have very walled up men, want their men to be vulnerable, but in general dont want to see a bunch of uber vulnerable men running around.

        the great phonte once said that “i want a girl when i wanta girl, and when i dont want a girl, i want a girl who understands that…”

        many women took issue with that. its true though. but there’s a chick version too that nobody ever talks about…

        i want my man emo when i want him that way, and when i don’t want him that way i want a man whos a typical man.

        • chameleonic

          lol, pretty much. i dont want you to be a man when my heads on your shoulder i want empathy and comfort. and then after the moment passes its totally cool to be all extra facts and figures and clockwork. and because im like that too, if theres ever something youre truly fretting over and you need a nugget of wisdom i prefer you talk to me about it.

          but yeah, i think the daily struggle convos should be kinda kept between you and your boys. otherwise its like….why are you crying ALL of the time?? homeboy status.

        • Rewind

          Niiiice..that Phonte line always proves a point..and women do forget they want the exact same shyte out of us.

        • Wild Cougar

          There is a such thing as balance. it’s not all or nothing. She might want a man who is walled up most of the time, but that doesn’t mean we all do. I`m tired of your all blaming us for your emotional constipation. You don’t express your emotions because you don’t want to.

          I prefer a man who can express his emotions. To me, that indicates mental and emotional health. I f you can’t deal with your emotions, you are not a complete person. And by “dealing”, I dont mean repressing everything except anger and pretending not to care. That’s just a bs front and me no like fronts.

          Give me a man who can express emotions in a healthy manner over an angry repressed fake thug any day.

          • chameleonic

            i dont think men function at their best when theyre constantly emotional but i do believe its healthy to have moments of expression. i know high pressure. men treat emotions the same way i treat them when im balancing a ton of stuff.

          • Marshal

            Men get tired of Being Blamed for Women being Bitter, Angry and whatnot when SOMEtimes it’s Women’s CHOICES that put them in messed up situations, i.e. It Takes TWO People to Make and Break a Relationship, Make a Baby, etc

            • Wild Cougar

              ….but you do it too is not an answer an adult gives. As far as blaming the other sex for your issues, on this site in particular, men dominate. The other day yall were having a big old Whinefest about how hypothetical women are oppressing men with their opinions. Again. So miss me with that women do it too bs.

              • Marshal

                If I’m Lying about that then Say so, Holy Mary Reincarnated. I’ve heard more of that “But He/She/They Do/Did it Too” from you, SweetSass and co. than any other VSS or VSB on a regular, so GTHOHWTBS

                • Wild Cougar

                  Did you just reply with women do it too again? smh

                  • SweetSass

                    Irony.

                    • Marshal

                      Like I said, If I’m a Liar then Tell Me, if not, then STHU about it

              • Rewind

                I’m not sure how you can’t interpret that more than 2 men having the same problem means the problem is actually real. If the men here are complaining, we’re getting it off our chest. Then you women say your piece. Some of us get the lesson, some don’t until the next go around. Point is simple though, putting the issue out there helps both sides review their playbook and see what they’ve been doing wrong all this time. Shyte, every man here has been on a website dominated by women that consistently bi-tch about us, why is it so hard when the shoe is on the other foot?

                • Wild Cougar

                  I`m whinetose intolerant. Either gender.

                  • SweetSass

                    this is why I don’t go to clutch

                  • Rewind

                    Ok. Well like I said…at least maybe for me..if I say this shyte outloud and get some feedback, it helps stop me from saying it again.

        • http://www.todisspits.blogspot.com MicTheMessenger

          If some women don’t wanna know everything, why for come yall ( and yall= every woman i’ve ever been in a car with) always ask what we thinking about when we silent and and not saying anything? Obviously i’m thinking about either something for real serious, or not serious at all. Then if i say nothing, the elephant that’s now in my backseat is making all types of noise.

    • Royale W. Cheese

      “Men discuss their disappointment with failed relationships, as well as express their true feelings for any particular woman amongst themselves, rather than with the actual women that needs to hear it.”

      Maybe I’m crossing over into grown(old) woman zone. I’m actually very okay with this.

      I’ve started dating a guy. He doesn’t talk about feelings and stuff with me. But I watch him a lot more closely than he probably thinks I do. He’s told his friends and family about me. I can tell by the way he acts when we’re around his peeps. That’s good enough for me.

      I just don’t have that burning desire to have a “discussion” about every little thing anymore.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Let’s applaud RWC, gentlemen!

        This is the flip side of the woman always “testing” a dude. A woman who is about her business pays attention to a man’s actions and draws whatever information she needs to know from that. In this case, RWC’s man seems to care about her. That’s good news. Yay Royale with Cheese! :)

        • http://www.minoritymenshow.com Mr SoBo

          Agreed. But it should be footnoted that not all actions or lack there of, are telling in one direction or another. So a keen eye, finely tuned ears and polished intuition is essential at times to decipher what can easily be lost in translation. But yes, actions carry monumental weight.

          • Asiyah

            Agreed with SoBo.

      • Iceprincess2

        F*ck what a person says, watch what they DO.

        • Tx10inch

          Chuurch!

      • Breezy

        RWC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am soooooooooo happy to hear you are dating!!!! Yippy!!!

        Actions tell a lot more than words can. My boo told his father, mother, sister uncle and dem all about me and it was only until a family trip that I discovered I was “all in the family”. But he also tells me how he feels about me and what we have so….

        • Wild Cougar

          but those were words, tho.

          • Breezy

            WC: actions have followed and continue to show how he truly feels so its all good.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        true and livin.

      • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

        “I just don’t have that burning desire to have a “discussion” about every little thing anymore.”

        This is some grown sh!t. I tend to date older women and this approach will have a dude seriously considering you – it is not common in women under a certain age. From a man’s perspective, relationships get better when women get to this place.

      • lurkyturkey

        My question is, what do you do when your man COMPLETELY shuts down? I understand you’re not going to be emotional and open with me 24/7 (no Drake please) but what are you supposed to do when there’s an obvious problem, but he denies it and wont even speak about it? The struggle for communication is real out here….

        • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

          Call him out on it – no frills – and call it what it is (You’ve shut down on me). Let him know what you are getting from him (sometimes folks dont know) and provide examples. Then look him in the eyes and tell him clearly, how it makes you feel when he does it. If you do that you owe him nothing else.

          • Royale W. Cheese

            Thanks for this comment. I had no answer for lurkeyturkey because I haven’t dealt with that type of situation yet.

            • lurkyturkey

              Thank both of you soo much! This has been stressing me for two weeks now! (yes he has been shut down that long). I think I’ve already done that though…at this point i guess the ball is in his court and if he cares, he’ll make some changes. When I say shut down, I mean just jail door slamming shut *sigh*

              • Ms. Bridget

                That’s called stonewalling and it’s a form of abuse. Please understand that, even though you want him to be happy, you are not responsible for his happiness. Stonewalling is tricky in that, the longer it occurs, the harder it becomes for HIM to open up and talk. If you want to help him open up he needs to feel safe to speak and express himself (i.e. criticism and question free; at least until he feels safer). Good luck!

      • Wild Cougar

        I’m a grown old woman and I want to hear about how he feels. It’s a matter of preference rather than age.

      • Kema

        “I just don’t have that burning desire to have a “discussion” about every little thing anymore.”

        I may be about to get here. I still have a desire to discuss everything but its not burning and many times I am able to keep it to myself.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      “As much as women complain about men having a lack of communicative emotion, the reality is that if men decided to express their feelings, panties all over the world would collectively appear to be lined with Bounty”

      So not true. I saw Hugh Jackman on TV the other night tearing up about how his dad was always there for him and taught him the value of commitment. I’m sure he was already in the running for $exiest man alive, but that took his appeal over the top. A man who is strong and emotive at the same time is super $exy.

      • Breezy

        +300

      • Angel Baby

        I had to go find what you were talking about!!! Hugh was very touching:

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtQM1VhDGdw

      • Rewind

        That’s not the same thing. He got weepy talking about a subject on national television that he obviously doesn’t talk about much.

        Now if he had that same reaction talking about the bagel he had this morning after you heard the same kind of shyte out of him for the past 6 months, I’d bet that “sexiest man alive” card we be revoked ASAP…and probably given to A$AP Rocky.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          Well in Hugh’s case, No. That’s Wolverine.

          But on that same episode he showed how in love he was with his wife AND playing a gay musician of some sort in a play. Homeboy *seems* fully able to express himself and it is beyond $exy.

          I would think anyone who cries over a bagel is ridiculous, male or female. Emotion is not a bad thing. The number of VSS who have admitted to liking the lost puppy dogs should tell you that.

          • Rewind

            I don’t know. Hugh Jackman aside, everytime I’ve heard a woman ask for her man to open up, when he does, she hates what she asked for, because then it’s too much for her.

            There’s nothing wrong with sharing emotions, but balance is learned, and we all learn at different times.

            • iamasoldieroflove

              I think delivery may have something to do with this. Women are socialized from a young age to take other people’s feelings into consideration before they speak, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. We have lots of practice giving people feedback and sharing our thoughts in the way least likely to ruffle feathers. It’s not surprising that the first few times a man opens up, it may be hard to digest without the “softeners” we are used to. When I encounter this, I try to focus on the actual message – the goal is to create a common understanding, not get butt hurt over some missing adjectives.

              • Rewind

                That is a lovely notion right there. We were taught the same thing, but then were forced to understand if you want to be seen as a man, you have to be harsh, hide your heart, and fight hard. Ergo, yea we are rough around the edges when a girl comes, trying to melt the ice that’s kept our hearts intact for so long.

          • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

            “But on that same episode he showed how in love he was with his wife AND playing a gay musician of some sort in a play. Homeboy *seems* fully able to express himself and it is beyond $exy.”

            Do you think race, culture and privy has anything to do with this? I’ve noticed from crossing their legs to how they use their hands white men seem to be allowed/more comfortable cultivating this side of who they are.

            • http://www.todisspits.blogspot.com MicTheMessenger

              man, like a mug.

              as a black man, i’m on level 7 thug mode ALL DAY, except when i’m in corporate america. then i’m like on level 3 thug.

            • Rewind

              He’s a white man. In what shape, fashion, or form does he have to worry about the issues that come with being a black man with the exact same traits? None whatsoever, because he’s from the predonimate race that controls everything. Should a black man have even tried what he did, all black women would have called him GAY period, he would be known in Hollywood as GAY period, and then he’d be typecasted as “that semi-gay extra sensitive” Black guy. You know, like Tyler Perry.

              • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

                ROTFLMAO

            • http://www.minoritymenshow.com Mr SoBo

              @TheGuyFormerlyKnownAs, @Rewind, @MicTheMessenger

              Amen gents. _______<– Insert any other race of men here gets a pass for emoting & displaying sensitivity. Whereas a brotha doing the same, would immediately trigger a serious side eye from the sistahood. Irrefutable.

              Sensitivity is chexy on every other man but a black man per the sistahood.

              • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

                “Sensitivity is chexy on every other man but a black man per the sistahood.”

                I’d like to say not true but this is part of our community dynamic more than we want to discuss, I think.

                • http://www.minoritymenshow.com Mr SoBo

                  Its the only community i’m familiar with where the females are known to refer to a male as a b*tch for exhibiting ‘sensitive’ characteristics. I don’t think there is a black man alive who has grown up around the sistahood, that hasn’t been subjected to this a time or two in his life. Hence the hardcore, stonewall swag of the black american man.

                  • Rewind

                    Word. Even upstanding black women will somehow call at least one black man a “bytch ass nygga” at some point, whether she realizes it or not.

                    • Marshal

                      See WC Thelma and LousieSass as Exhibit A and B

                  • iamasoldieroflove

                    Not to negate your experience, but I suspect that most women aren’t calling men “bytch @ss nyggas” because they were able to clearly articulate how something made them feel…I’d think that its mostly used in cases where fathers aren’t taking care of their children or other similar bytch @ss behaviors. Can you provide an example where you were expressing yourself in an emotionally healthy way and got heat for it? And from the type of woman you’d be interested in anyway? Emotional maturity does not come with age…

                    • Rewind

                      I remember when I was younger that a cousin of mine was dating a chick. They were both in their early 30s. He had commitment issues, and he never spoke much about his feelings. She kept pressing him but he wouldn’t budge. In this time, his step-dad pop backed in his mom’s life and brought back some bad blood. I think one day my cousin just flipped and let out all this information he never told anyone; he was molested by the step dad. That’s why he stayed shut so much. A lot of crazy shyte went down, but she was glad he said something. But a few months later, when she got pregnant, she started playing him by saying “he wasn’t man enough to be a father to their child” and she was tired of him “whining like a little bytch” just because he got touched…that it wasn’t an excuse why she didn’t have a ring on her finger.

                      Now that’s just one example. But I gots more.

      • TallPaul

        You saw a MOVIESTAR tearing up. I’m glad you were moved and all but if it was Drew from bookeeping would you have found it as sexy?

        • http://www.minoritymenshow.com Mr SoBo

          *patiently awaits for the lies to continue*

          • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

            And this is why I didn’t say a motherf*cking word. LOL

            • Wild Cougar

              I love how yall feel totally correct telling women how they feel. Anything that doesn’t validate your personal, limited and warped experience is a lie, because that’s easier than trying.

              • http://www.minoritymenshow.com Mr SoBo

                Perhaps if you stopped living the lie….

                • Wild Cougar

                  bwahaha you crack me up, little man

            • iamasoldieroflove

              This is good feedback. I think people reacted positively because men rarely show this side of themselves, and not because the act is sexy in and of itself. If I burst into tears while describing anything beyond the death of a loved one or something similarly catastrophic, no one, including men, would find it sexy, and I’d get quite a few side eyes. This is not to say that women aren’t given wide berth to be overly emotional, which I think does us a disservice. Humans should strive for an emotional balance. I want my man to be self aware and able to articulate his thoughts and feelings to me because we are partners, and are creating a shared existence. Should you feel comfortable tearing up in front of me? Sure. Everyday at breakfast because Johnny is trying to take your job and the very idea of going to work stresses you out? Naw, son. Let’s come up with solutions like adults.

    • Asiyah

      “Men discuss their disappointment with failed relationships, as well as express their true feelings for any particular woman amongst themselves, rather than with the actual women that needs to hear it.”

      Y’all need to stop this immediately. The women need to hear it.

      • iamasoldieroflove

        Agreed. The cycle continues…

    • SweetSass

      Yes, that totally explains the Twilight phenomenon. NOT.

      You have no idea what you’re talking about.

    • YeahSo

      Well I think strength is exhibited when one is able to do what’s right (talk to their woman) even when it’s uncomfortable… I must say your comment is whack and makes men look weak.

  • Secret Sauce

    I thought for sure at least three of them were going to be boobies, vajayjays and LeBron.

    • Iceprincess2

      Lol! Sounds about right.

    • http://www.minoritymenshow.com Mr SoBo

      The more you know… *cue rainbow and star*

    • msdebbs

      or at least LeBron’s increasingly disappearing hairline…

      • Iceprincess2

        I kno right? Then they had the nerve to have him in the barbers chair in a recent commercial. I was like, “omg, why?” :-(

        • Sweet GA Brown

          I saw that commercial and was hella confused. I think they may have airbrushed his hairline.

          • Iceprincess2

            BOL!!

          • Breezy

            Sweet GA: you need the lawd….lol!

            • Sweet GA Brown

              Honestly the look of pure confusion on my face was priceless.

              • Breezy

                Did you see him on the cover of the magazine last week?!?!? That boy gatta to be related to an ape AND they have him in all black. I rest my case.

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            LOL

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          i thought that was just cruel.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      LeBron comes up amongst everybody though. the commercial alone is enough ammunition for 2 hours at a Christmas party.

      • Marshal

        Well, now we have Manny Pacquiao to talk about THIS Christmas; after that Marquez Knockout in the 6th round the talk of a Pacman-Money Mayweather died like Chucky for good Saturday night

        • Marshal

          *fight

  • http://twitter.com/think2inspire Think2Inspire

    I once heard some men discussing which wine went better with fish and lamb. They seem to have come from a breed of boudie negroes called ‘foodies.’

    • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

      It’s called being grown. When you hit my age, you can do that kind of sh*t, LOL!!!

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        Word! I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older being more attractive to more “stuffy” sorts of things. I think it comes with being bored with simple things and wanting more complete pleasures. Growing up is a B.

        • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

          The older cats will be up there drinking wine out of a martini glass all swanky and sh*t with a pinky sticking out, LMAO!!!

          • Asiyah

            I need pictures!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Nothing wrong with being a foodie; muscato doesn’t go with everything. I’ve started to become one once the metabolism began to slow down and your realize fast food / processed food is the devil. Going out to various markets and stores to pick up ingredients and cooking a fly meal with a nice drink as a topper > going to the club.

      • Iceprincess2

        +200! I bet you’d be cool to throw a dinner party with. Quality food, drink, & convo. Btw, my homemade spinach & artichoke dip is not to be missed! Pairs nicely with a crisp Sauvignon blanc.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          I prefer meals that go with reds or at least a White that isn’t a b1tch a$$. There is a thing as too sweet Whites, people!

          Oh, and happy birthday Iceprincess!

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Thanks for the kind words. We can swap dish ideas after we all break bread. LOL!

        • Brother Mouzone

          Ok Ice, when am I invited? lol

          • Iceprincess2

            You can come thru, but you gotta bring something. This dinner party is a potluck, damn it.

      • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

        My come-to-Jesus moment with food was when I was diagnosed with hypertension 6 years back, and I had to cut back on the salt. I learned quickly how much salt is used to hide how bland food can be. I had to relearn how to cook just so I could eat without jacking up my blood pressure. Now everything is seasoned to the Nth degree, and the flavors are working, man!

        • Sigma_Since 93

          It’s amazing how in one breath folks will say look how the food is killing us and in the same breath call you out for sharing how to introduce new foods, spices, wines to diversify your palate.

          • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

            It’s the recession. Spices are expensive! Season salt is two for a dollar.

            • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

              And blood pressure meds are more expensive than spices. Hey, I was the Adobo kingpin at one point before I had to reform. I understand how real it is on these streets. Though I’ve mastered spotting sales and figuring out how long stuff lasts.

              • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                Oh I agree. I’m not a fan of salt. But those spices are really $5 and up for a little-bitty jar.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              This is why I goto the indian spice spot; I can get a HUGE bag for what I would pay for McCormick Seasoning Mixes

              • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                I don’t know any Indian spice spots around here although there are quite a few Asian markets. But I don’t want to buy something if I can’t read the package…

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  WIP I hith them uo too. I just make sure that I have my list made before hand and ask them to show me ehere stuff is at LOL!

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    uo = up

    • Rewind

      Being a foodie is the “shyte”.

      Seriously, what does it mean to be in your 40′s, still drinking 40′s and bodega cheesesteaks at 11 pm?

      Got to move on in life.

      • Asiyah

        Bodega cheesesteaks will never get old. HUSH!

        • Rewind

          Yes they do! Stop lying.

      • SweetSass

        You won’t make it to 40 on that diet. Hence you don’t see many rocking that lifestyle past 35…

        • Rewind

          These broke summabitches that live in the buildings I work for show otherwise, but I digress, it still aint healthy.

  • nillalatte

    Yup, I know some dudes have all these conversations, and some really disgusting ones too. A lot of my friends are dudes — I think I have more male friends than women. Which is interesting considering my dude has more female friends than men. Anyway, dudes seem to like to open up to me. Maybe because I ‘play’ counselor to them. Maybe because I empathize with them. Maybe because I just simply listen. It’s amazing how many issues a person can work out on their own when someone is just willing to listen.

    I’ll give you one more that you haven’t yet considered Petey… growing old. Some men have issues with growing old. That may or may not be in relation to hair loss. But, aging is something that catches us all at some point in time. Guys have just as many concerns about aging as anything else. One of them is… will I still be able to have sex when I’m in my 60′s? I was literally asked this question by a dude. Now that’s worrying about Mr. Peen WAY into the future (but, there is always cialist…. lol) The answer was ‘as long as you are physically able’ in case anyone out there is wondering. :D

    • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Anyway, dudes seem to like to open up to me. Maybe because I ‘play’ counselor to them. Maybe because I empathize with them. Maybe because I just simply listen. It’s amazing how many issues a person can work out on their own when someone is just willing to listen.

      Tell them again Nilla! Make sure they got that in the cheap seats! Though what makes you so comfortable listening without fear that your female ego is going to be destroyed or abused somehow? Share you secret with the VSSs please. :)

      But you’re also right about older dudes talking about ED drugs. Heck, go around a crowd of 50+ dudes, and they’ll tell you their hookup for that stuff. They’re still swinging for the fences around these parts regardless of age. :)

      • nillalatte

        “what makes you so comfortable listening without fear that your female ego is going to be destroyed or abused somehow?”

        ‘Cause I’m nosy? LOL Nah, I genuinely do care about my friends – male or female. If someone is coming to me with a problem, I clock out of all other things and give them the opportunity to speak on it.

        I guess I know enough of who I am and what behaviors I find acceptable and unacceptable to help guide the conversation. There are not a lot of subjects that I won’t touch, even though some may be uncomfortable depending on the person with whom I’m having that discussion. Even then, I simply envision myself disconnected from the emotion and focused on the problem. Most of the time folks don’t want you to say anything, they just want someone to hear what they say out loud to see if it sounds crazy. LOL Most do, but once they work through it, they are good to go.

        • https://twitter.com/#!/IluminatiNYC Todd

          *applauds response* Thank you for saying that. I don’t need to say anything more.

    • Iceprincess2

      Welp, I know I’m mos def having “aging anxiety.” Yesterday was my Bday, (32). Yiiiiiikes! Dat sh*t don’t even sound right smdh. I’m old as a mothaf*cka. Luckily, I’ve maintained my sexy thus far. (Low key brag lol)

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Happy Birthday!

      • Breezy

        HAPPY BIRTHDAY ICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        *Twerking for ya*

      • http://www.youtube.com/user/pervertedalchemist1?feature=mhee Perverted Alchemist

        “Luckily, I’ve maintained my sexy thus far. (Low key brag lol)”

        Pics or it’s bullsh*t…

        • CNotes

          “Pics or it’s bullsh*t…”

          I know you ain’t calling somebody out for pics!!!! LOL!

          • Breezy

            Seriously!!!! After he had us waiting all darn day on Friday for the great reveal…..nicca you en shid for wasting all ourssss time…..hmph!

      • kid video

        Happi B’Day…

        *breaks out ice cream cake cake cake cake cake….*

      • Tx10inch

        Happy Birf day…..

        Did u have “Princess” party?

      • Rewind

        Happy Birthday Ms. Twerk Master

      • CNotes

        Happy Birthday!!

      • nillalatte

        Happy Birfffday Ice! 32?! Imma gon’ group you wit the youngsters on VSB. ;)

      • Asiyah

        Happy Birthday Icey!!!!

      • naturalista88

        Happy birthday.

        • Iceprincess2

          Thanx errbody!!

      • Kema

        Happy Birthday!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i imagine this to be true. none of my boys have had these convos with me. but i wont’ be surprised when we do

    • Asiyah

      “Anyway, dudes seem to like to open up to me. Maybe because I ‘play’ counselor to them.”

      Me too. I’m so sick of it. Sometimes I feel I should have a rule where I state that unless you’re going to do me and do me well don’t use my counseling services.