Things I’m Just Too Damn Old To Give Any Fucks About Anymore, Ranked
10. Taking pictures
At this point, I wouldn’t terribly mind if people wanting to take pictures of me just photoshopped a default picture of me in front of wherever they wanted to take the picture of me.
9. Removing shells from shrimp before I eat them
Just takes too much effort, and wastes time that could be spent eating more delicious shrimp.
8. What people under 30 (who I’m not related to or friends with) think or feel about anything
7. Being places that don’t allow me to sit down if I want to sit down
This includes lines, the outdoors, packed church services, concerts, and certain types of sex.
6. New rappers
Last week, my 15-year-old nephew tried to put me on to something called a “Montana 3000.” And I tried to kick him out of the car and put him on to the curb. But, fortunately, the child safety locks were on.
5. Learning how to swim
I’ll probably learn eventually, because the Wife Person cares. But my cabinet of “learning how to swim” fucks was emptied and donated to the Goodwill years ago.
4. Being conscious of not doing stereotypically Black things in front of White people
While in a restaurant during a job interview 12 or so years ago, I wanted the fried chicken — this place was known for their fried chicken — but ended up getting a bitch-ass chicken salad or something instead. Because I didn’t want to do some stereotypical shit in front of the three (White) people conducting the interview.
Today? I’d order and eat the shit out of that fried chicken. I’d stare them in the eyes while licking the chicken grease off my fingers. I’d get naked, rub watermelon lemonade on my body, and punch the fried chicken with my dick.
3. Being the best player on the court when I play basketball
I’m definitely not a straight role player now — I figure I (hopefully) have at least 10 more years of good basketball before I reach “stand in the corner, spot up, and guard the other old guy” status. But now I’m content to let the younger dudes and the older dudes who still do Crossfit and marathons and shit do the heavy lifting (most of the time) while I play more of a supporting role. Basically, I shifted from Chad Boseman to Anthony Mackie.
2. Writing unflattering things about myself
Like many of the fuck depletions listed, losing these particular fucks is incentive-based because its specifically beneficial for me. The more willing I am to share unflattering shit, the better my writing gets. And the better my writing gets, the more lapdances I can buy for Panama.
1. Whether people like me
Now, to be clear, I’d definitely rather have people like me than not. Having people like you is fun and shit. And I imagine its no fun being Tyga. But, I don’t know. I guess I’ve reached a point where I’m actually more concerned about whether I’ll be able to like/stand/not be annoyed by people than their feelings about me. Which I guess explains the fried chicken dickpunch.