Things I’m Just Too Damn Old To Give Any Fucks About Anymore, Ranked » VSB

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Things I’m Just Too Damn Old To Give Any Fucks About Anymore, Ranked

10. Taking pictures

At this point, I wouldn’t terribly mind if people wanting to take pictures of me just photoshopped a default picture of me in front of wherever they wanted to take the picture of me.

9. Removing shells from shrimp before I eat them

Just takes too much effort, and wastes time that could be spent eating more delicious shrimp.

8. What people under 30 (who I’m not related to or friends with) think or feel about anything

Sorry, millennials.

7. Being places that don’t allow me to sit down if I want to sit down

This includes lines, the outdoors, packed church services, concerts, and certain types of sex.

6. New rappers

Last week, my 15-year-old nephew tried to put me on to something called a “Montana 3000.” And I tried to kick him out of the car and put him on to the curb. But, fortunately, the child safety locks were on.

5. Learning how to swim

I’ll probably learn eventually, because the Wife Person cares. But my cabinet of “learning how to swim” fucks was emptied and donated to the Goodwill years ago.

4. Being conscious of not doing stereotypically Black things in front of White people

While in a restaurant during a job interview 12 or so years ago, I wanted the fried chicken — this place was known for their fried chicken — but ended up getting a bitch-ass chicken salad or something instead. Because I didn’t want to do some stereotypical shit in front of the three (White) people conducting the interview.

Today? I’d order and eat the shit out of that fried chicken. I’d stare them in the eyes while licking the chicken grease off my fingers. I’d get naked, rub watermelon lemonade on my body, and punch the fried chicken with my dick.

3. Being the best player on the court when I play basketball

I’m definitely not a straight role player now — I figure I (hopefully) have at least 10 more years of good basketball before I reach “stand in the corner, spot up, and guard the other old guy” status. But now I’m content to let the younger dudes and the older dudes who still do Crossfit and marathons and shit do the heavy lifting (most of the time) while I play more of a supporting role. Basically, I shifted from Chad Boseman to Anthony Mackie.

2. Writing unflattering things about myself

Like many of the fuck depletions listed, losing these particular fucks is incentive-based because its specifically beneficial for me. The more willing I am to share unflattering shit, the better my writing gets. And the better my writing gets, the more lapdances I can buy for Panama.

1. Whether people like me

Now, to be clear, I’d definitely rather have people like me than not. Having people like you is fun and shit. And I imagine its no fun being Tyga. But, I don’t know. I guess I’ve reached a point where I’m actually more concerned about whether I’ll be able to like/stand/not be annoyed by people than their feelings about me. Which I guess explains the fried chicken dickpunch.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Medium Meech

    “Today? I’d order and eat the sh*t out of that fried chicken. I’d stare
    them in the eyes while licking the chicken grease off my fingers. I’d
    get naked, rub watermelon lemonade on my body, and punch the fried
    chicken with my d*ck.”

    Champ, being conscious of being stereotypical is not the reason you want to do this. Don’t make excuses, embrace your fetish. Just warn a brother first.

    • Damon Young

      noted

  • Rastaman

    The truth is once you apply #1 the other nine just flow naturally from there. Once I stopped worrying about whether I was liked by others my life became so much less complicated. I could focus on doing what was right and less on who may not like it.

    • TeeChantel

      Still working on #1, tbh.

      • kingpinenut

        This is the true nirvana – #NoFukistan

    • kingpinenut

      Let the choir sing

      *daps*

    • I still need people to get things right about me. There’s a difference between me being a jerk because I haven’t had enough coffee and me being a jerk because I hate your guts and would rather watch drown than talk to you about you relationship problems. The details matter, yo.

      • Kas

        Add in hangry and I agree with you.

      • MilaXX

        Nope, don’t care. You don’t like me, ain’t my problem. I got more than enough friends already.

        • I just can’t stand when people think I’m having a bad day and I legit hate them.

    • DG

      Truth…

      • LadyJay?

        DG!!!!!!

        • DG

          African Mami!!!

  • cyanic

    Not caring about the consensus take on you is a privilege of aging.

  • I almost completely agree but eating shrimp shells #doe…..

  • TeeChantel

    “At this point, I wouldn’t terribly mind if people wanting to take pictures of me just photoshopped a default picture of me in front of wherever they wanted to take the picture of me.”

    They better take a picture of you in 1 of your 7 BBG shirts, Damon.

  • Vanity in Peril

    You eating skrimps with the shells on, my dude?!

    Good lordt!

    • That is literally savage behavior.

      • Yep, I thought so too!

        • Catherinewshearer1

          <<s:i. ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????:::::::!!bz849a:….,.

      • Wayne Gibson

        Its only savage when Black folks do it smh. I hate it when Black folks are called savages, even when its in jest, and especially when its done by other BFs. Lets please get off that train and stop perpetuating already. Peace.

    • kingpinenut

      Maybe it’s for his USRDA roughage ….

      • Vanity in Peril

        I feel like you’re a bad friend if you see someone eating skrimp shells and don’t immediately take their keys from them.

        Like, damn.

        • kingpinenut

          It’s they body – life *will* teach them lol

          • Vanity in Peril

            If you see summtin, say summtin.

            • kingpinenut

              I saw the first Aliens…..

              • Vanity in Peril

                Jajajaja

        • Maestro G

          I think Webster’s should add ‘skrimp’ as an alternative spelling for shrimp. Just saying, and as a (self- proclaimed) word-smith, no less.

          • Vanity in Peril

            Agreed. But plural like, “I was eating skrimps the other day when the wobble came on…”

            • Maestro G

              Agreed!

    • leesupreme

      Like a giant sunflower seed or something? Pistachio? Like how

      • Kas

        Who eats the shell of a pistachio? I have strong teeth but good golly Molly!

        • leesupreme

          Well not eat the shell, but the pop the whole situation in your mouth crack with ur teeth snd spit. I use my fingers but maybe im wasting precious snacktime?

          • Mr. Mooggyy

            I read this completely wrong and had to go back to context clues……

            Carry On….

          • Nicole

            …..you know, they sell shelled pistachios.

      • Vanity in Peril

        We all have knowledge gaps. Like I couldn’t figure out how to blow up a balloon until I was like 24. But this. Distewmuch

        • Kas

          So did this ability to blow up a balloon coincide with learning any other new skill?

        • LMNOP

          Balloons look so much easier than they are. I’m still learning to parallel park and I’m 34

          • Vanity in Peril

            I gave up learning. If I get in the spot then glory b! If not, we going around the block again.

          • And judging you too…lol

            • BrownBearBear

              I pride myself on my parallel parking game. I’ve legit had to get into folks cars to park their ish for them. I will also legit laugh at you when I see you struggle.

              That’s a half-truth, I’ll help but there’s nothing worse than having a group of folks watch you while you attempt to park. I’ve actually parked myself in a spot I couldn’t get out of. Tears ensued. But that was a much younger Bear. Now I if you back up on me like that, I will make love to your bumper until I get out. I don’t have a car these days…so I can’t really talk anymore. My game is still fire though.

          • refslady

            Your (and my) solution:

            • LMNOP

              One day when I was dropping my daughter’s friend off and parked at the corner store parking lot instead of attempting to parallel park in front of her house, this 10 year old tried to give me a little talk about how it really limits my life to not by not being able to parallel park and I should really learn. Your welcome for the ride, kid. BYE.

        • Judging you… lol

          • Vanity in Peril

            Adulting is hard, though.

            • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

              What’s going on your lip injections, chickadee? You look like you’ve got a herpes simplex cluster bomb living under your nose.

              • Vanity in Peril

                I think she just has that semi pouty Roberts mouf like her daddy w the extra toothases like her Aunty.

                • Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

                  I see little lumps where the needle was stuck.

          • Vanity in Peril

            I saw a blog post you wrote being shared all up and down my FB yesterday by all the cool kids!

            • Really? I know it’s been shared a lot… I just don’t see where..lol

              I’m writing a follow up today because I had an interesting “interaction” yesterday.

              • leesupreme

                OOh where ? i wanna read…

                  • leesupreme

                    Oh honey You gonna be my afternoon reading delight! YAAASS

                  • Betty’s Babygirl

                    Gurrl….Just prepped your Blog and added it to my faves. You’re fearless with using your powerful talent and woke. Resilients woman who possess these attributes are invaluable. But imop most importantly they’re extremely dangerous to Wypipo and unconscious Resilients. You Rock NegraWithTumbao!

                    • Wooow!! Sis, I’m really humbled by your kind words… I just a big mouth negra from Detroit who loves the fukk outta us. And I wanna us to live our best lives…. without fear.

                    • Betty’s Babygirl

                      My sentiments exacty. That motivation is communicated clearly and concisely in your writing. Humility is an important quality. Honoring God by thanking Him and embracing the gifts He’s bestowed upon you. He has blessed you with something special so acknowledge Him by letting go of false modesty. You were meant to be an example of His greatness. I’m not trying to be preachy but gurrl you’re good.

                      Thanks to my deceased “woke” parents my siblings and I.were NEVER scared negroes. And like I’ve stated before I’m immune to wypipo’s opinion of us but I will make them treat me and mine fairly (as much as I can.) I’m more concerned about how POC think and treat one another.

              • Vanity in Peril

                Yay, I like your writing style!

              • Gibbous

                Yup. Saw that too. I’m like, Wait . . .I know that name!

    • Courtney Wheeler

      Yeah I take the shells off..imagine. Always afraid I’ll choke on one of them.

    • Medium Meech

      I think that’s a Western Pennsylvania thing. Stay woke, some people can develop allergies to them.

      • Vanity in Peril

        That aint how we do things in Philthy. I cannot condone this behavior.

        • Medium Meech

          Pennsatucky is a hole-nutta world.

    • SororSalsa

      That’s like eating bacon still in the package. What yo gums feel like my dude???

    • I bet he ain’t even take the vein out.
      SMDH

  • kingpinenut

    Number 1 is life – the best place to be.

  • Muva Luva

    Wait are you saying you eat the shrimp with shells instead of taking the time to remove them or only eat the shrimp with pre-removed shells? I’m confused and upset

    • leesupreme

      now I’m confused. lol

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Gotta do #5 man. You can’t cause the fear of the water / lack of swimming to spread to baby girl. We also don’t need another Blackish moment at the pool.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPeCe2oup68

    • QueenRaven23

      Love that episode

  • Junegirl627

    4. Being conscious of not doing stereotypically Black things in front of White people

    im 50/50 on that. I don’t care about ordering eating, but I get a bad taste in my mouth when wipipo offer me fried chicken or watermelon. I just think “what you tryin to say?”

    • Yeah, they can’t offer it. Only I can initiate the Black shyt around Dwights.

      • Junegirl627

        exactly! Let me order hot wings at happy hour. Don’t hand me a plate of wings you pre ordered for me at the happy hour.

        • Kas

          Y’all so sensitive. Then again, I’m 50, so I’m wearing dress socks with sandals to the grocery store.

          • Kas at Kroger’s. Go ahead and twirl on them haters.

            • Kas

              There was a time when I cared. Now, I can’t be bothered. I finally understand my Dad.

              • Becoming my dad is my biggest fear and it slowly happens every day.

                • Kas

                  I am he. I stopped fighting it. The upside, I boss him around now when we do home repairs. He didn’t see that coming when I was 12 years old.

                  • brothaskeeper

                    I turned into my dad my first year teaching. I took a kid into to the hallway for an attitude adjustment, and I said something to him that my father useta say to me and my brother: “next time it’s gonna be you and me, and then it’s just gonna be me”. I cried in the car.

                • Cheech

                  On a recent vacation, while sitting and silently judging the fam while waiting for them to get their skit together, I finally got dad’s years of silent judgment and wished he was there to share it with.

                  Mom called me by dad’s name twice that week. I’ve arrived.

              • refslady

                The first time I used all my energy getting ready to go out, then sat down on the couch and woke up two hours later….

            • cyanic

              They appropriate everything.

            • HouseOfBonnets

              Kas giving mr. steal yo grandma a run for his money……

              • Kas

                I’m scooping up all the ladies scoping for a badly dressed, hair unkempt, two spoiled kids hanging on, man. As we like to say inthe suburbs, winning.

                • PinkRose

                  Yousa’ lie, you know d amn well you keep yourself looking good Kas!

            • NonyaB

              Nooo! Stahp promoting such heathen habits! The black knit+leathurr sweater looks good doe.

              • Kas

                Both are abominations once you get above the socks.

                • NonyaB

                  What we won’t do is consider the sartorial perspective of a sock-in-sandal wearing heathen. ?

          • NonyaB

            WHAT. Dassit, last straw. *Cuts you off for good* Socks in sandals should be outlawed everywhere!

            • Cheech

              Sorry Kas, this is true.

              • Kas

                Sock sandal wearing or accepting chicken and watermelon from wypipo (and yes I know who I’m posing the question to)?

                • Cheech

                  The sock sandals. Chicken and watermelon are delicious. (Unless blue)

          • Maestro G

            50+VSBs, unite. I just hit that milestone myself.

            • LadyJay?

              You freaking out? I know once I do, I’m going to start looking for a Ghanaian casket maker!

              • Maestro G

                LOL! At this point, I’m resigned to my fate, but hoping to make the next fifty even better than the first! I just hope that parachute opens when I jump outta that plane… ;-)

                • LadyJay?

                  Omiiii gosh. That’s a MIlESTONE. You are blessed.

                  • Maestro G

                    You are certainly right. Every year is a blessing. But you know black don’t crack, so I look forty ;-)

          • ALM247

            Ick….you judged me on Nick Cannon, and I’m judging you on those socks and sandals. LOL

            • Kas

              But don’t care, because 50. Judge away.

    • HouseOfBonnets

      I can’t lie if it passes the visual test i’m gonna take the chicken…..

      • Junegirl627

        Nah man…. its a gateway to “you speak so well” type behaviors.

        • leesupreme

          Man when chris rock when in on thisss….. LOL in reference to Obama… i died.

    • Buster Cannon

      Yeah, if they offer it, it’s a set-up.

      • Kas

        If they offer, I take it. It goes fast around wypipo.

    • Phil GoBeGreat

      how old are you?
      (possibly see #8)

      • Junegirl627

        Really yo! Old enough to know all the lyrics to M.E.T.H.O.D. Man.

    • Mr. Mooggyy

      How I used to feel!!! Now Fuck em!

    • brothaskeeper

      June, if they don’t like it….

    • Dee Flyy

      aaah!!! ‘wipipo’ is now a part of my life forever! ditto for ‘Dwights’. day.improved.

      • Junegirl627

        Wish I invented the term but I started using it after see so many on the comment thread

      • Kas

        Add 2520 and YT while you at it. Note I did not come up with either, but they are in frequent rotation here.

    • NonyaB

      Plus, you probably wouldn’t be able to relax and address them wings like you want to; messy finger foods are best eaten at home or when with fam.

      • Kas

        Agreed on messy foods.

      • Junegirl627

        Yes! I feel this way about shell fish as well. The fam is from Louisiana where we replace the table cloth with a garbage bag and eat like a savage when we make seafood. #fuckabib.

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