Things Learned After Buying My Wife A Bunch Of Flowers And Shit » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

Things Learned After Buying My Wife A Bunch Of Flowers And Shit

(Disclaimer: I’m aware there are people who think that, since getting married, I’ve dedicated the bulk of my writing to marriage-related topics. I’m also aware that some of these people are tired of me writing about marriage-related topics. If I were the type of person who said things like “You know, out of the 142 posts I’ve written since July 19th (my wedding day), exactly eight have been marriage-related” I’d say that. I’d also say “Get tired of deez.” I’m not that type of person though, so I’ll say neither.)

Earlier this week, I surprised The Wife Person with a bunch of flowers and balloons and chocolates and shit at work. She was away from her office in a meeting for a few hours, and I snuck in and left them there for her before she got back. I know this is probably the most cliche-ass shit you’ve read in at least eight months, but all marriage is is finding someone you want to do cliche-ass shit with and for. For the rest of your gotdamn lives.

Anyway, this experience taught me a few things, including…

1. Flowers are expensive as fuck.

This is actually something I was already aware of. As is anyone who’s ever purchased flowers. But, the outrageous prices of the flowers are something you repress in your memory until it’s flower buying time again and you buy a few dozen roses and you start saying shit to yourself like “Fuck. We could have gone to Red Lobster like three times for all this. And got dessert! And no one gets dessert at Red Lobster!

But, you don’t want to be the guy who gets to the register at the flowers and shit store and sees how much all the flowers and shit cost and starts putting them back. Because, well, you just don’t want to be that guy. So you watch as the bill adds up, and you think about all the bacon-wrapped scallops you could be eating instead.

2. Walking around with a bunch of flowers and shit makes you the most popular man on Earth. It’s also annoying as hell.

Between getting the flowers and shit in the store, going to the register, walking from the store to my car, walking from my car to the lobby in my wife’s office building, and walking from the lobby to her office, I encountered maybe 20 different women.  Out of those 20, maybe 17 or 18 of them said something about the flowers.

“Who’s the lucky lady?”

“Can I have some?”

“Are those for me?”

“She must be mad at you.”

“I hope she appreciates what type of man she has, cause niggas really aint shit and females need to know what type of niggas is out there so they can appreciate the man they have even more.”

It got so awkward that, instead of just laughing and smiling, I started replying, which made things even more awkward.

Random woman: “Can I have some?”

Me: “Maybe…next year?”

Random woman: “Wow. That’s a lot of flowers.”

Me: “Well, she’s….a….great….wife.”

3. Flowers are overrated.

They’re expensive, they don’t smell particularly good, they hurt when you grab them, and they die almost immediately. Their only benefit is that they look nice if done right.

Basically “flowers” = “ass implants.”

Yesterday, I told The Wife Person about the flower buying experience. Specifically how I couldn’t walk three feet without another woman making some comment. Her reply?

“Ha! Now you know what street harassment feels like.”

 

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Katherine McChesney

    Terrible grammer. Curse words. A resentful attitude. Courtesy of a black man.

  • MeridianBurst

    LOL @ the “flowers and sh*t” store.

    As corny and cliché as f*ck as it is to get someone flowers on V-Day, I think the saving grace here is that you made it a whole thing for everyone to notice. It wasn’t just a “here ya go honey!” thing you did at home, you made it a point to go to her place of work and surprise her with it in front of everyone. The presentation was nice. It’s always interesting how people flock to a man who pampers the woman he loves hoping to get residual good treatment. It’s kind of funny, but it isn’t because it means a fair amount of women are missing even the simplest acts of appreciation and love. Your wife got flowers and 20 women vicariously got their life from it and had a good day. I’m pretty sure that is a super awkward thing to deal with as the guy.

    Also, your wife is frequently profound.

  • Charlisia Nwachukwu

    I like your marriage talk.. I hear from the women ALL the time. Its nice to hear the other side.. AND women love to see romance and encourage it soooo I will continue to make comments like ” well aren’t you sweet” and “she’s a lucky lady” to men carrying flowers and such… kind of like street harassment… “smile”.

    • Sahel

      Here on VSB we don’t encourage street harassment…so what you doing later

  • miss t-lee

    Flower are expensive, but they really run your pockets during v-day. Markup for daaaaays.

    “She must be mad at you.” You must look really friendly Champie.

  • Dougie

    Gotta go to the flower warehouse to get good prices on flowers. I worked close to the LA one and used to bring home flowers to the wife on the regular. Shit was cheap as hell. Once it goes retail, then it’s a wrap. 70% mark up. Kinda like diamonds.

    • MeridianBurst

      *lives vicariously through tales of regular fresh flowers* Lesigh.

    • Pillows McGee

      i was just going to say I live in LA… i dont know if the rest of yall have a “flower mart” in a eerie downtown area that opens at 6 am (2am if you have a business license you can really sneak on there with the come up) but go there and you straight ..cheap flowers, beautiful flowers

    • I just visited there for the first time last week. Cheap enough to buy myself flowers every weekend just for the hell of it, and I’m not even a flower person.

    • That mark up on roses should not be legal. They aren’t the only flower that represents love tho. Orchids signify rare beauty. Tulips signify passion and deep love. They’re usually a bit cheaper and overlooked. This year i paired the flowers with a nice, hand-written note. Had enough to get the wife a different bouquet/love note three days out the week, something for chexy time and still had a great date. Spent a weekend of quality time and right around $100.

  • Henry

    Hilariously true. Just wait til you get to the restaurant that’s normally $30 a plate and they hit you with the $80 per person price-fixed menu plus the extra $30 per person for “wine pairings”.

    • FACTS! That ish pissed me off over the years. But I’m free now, so I ain’t gotta come up off that cheddar. :)

      • Henry

        Lucky you :-/

  • PunchDrunkLove

    There are always those dudes on the interstate ramps selling single roses :) Hey, just an option. The prices are tripled around V-day

  • Shay-d-Lady

    LOL @the street harassment comment cause: TRUE. also. im not a flower person. i never want flowers. but im always happy when i get them. weird.

    concerning the to much marriage talk.. uh. haters gone hate lol people hate to see happiness. I just say be cautious of over-sharing. not for the sake of the blog, but for the sake of the relationship. when you put it out there and people feel like they are a “part” of it… they also think they have a right to opinions, discussions etc. kind of like what happens every time you guys make changes to the blog. LOL

    Happy V-day to you and yours! and keep that corny ish up!

    • LMNOP

      I mean a lot of us have joked about all of champ’s “now that married and I have a wife” posts, but it’s adorable.

      And kind of funny. So we’re laughing WITH him. And at him. At the same dam time. But it’s out of love.

  • TeeChantel

    Awe how sweet! I’m sure you already know, but keep up with the sweet and mushy stuff EVERY DAY! Oh, and PLEASE continue to write marriage-related content and on what is is like to be married. I love to hear about black love and black marriages. You give this single gal a bit of hope!

    • MeridianBurst

      “I love to hear about black and marriage.”

      This. Nothing quite like a beautiful, skrong, black marriage. Big it up. We need that.

      • TeeChantel

        Fix my quote, Meridian! LOL I hit post before I had a chance to proofread it.

        • MeridianBurst

          lmao! Okay. I wasn’t sure what you wanted to correct it to but I gotchu.

          • TeeChantel

            it’s all good. sorry, i’m a little snarky today.

            • MeridianBurst

              It’s okay. We’re friends so snark is fully acceptable.

              • TeeChantel

                :-)

      • Slim

        You need a bew. Too much dreaming about “what it would be like” can get dangerous. LOL!

        • MeridianBurst

          Actually, I like hearing about black marriages because it sends a positive message about the unity and bond between our men and women, something we’ve struggled with historically. It has nothing to do with wondering what it’s like to be in one.

  • I agree on the street harassment front. Do anything nice for a woman, and women think you’re just a simp who does nice things for women on the strength. The PUA types say that dudes that give their romance away are treated by women the same way women who give up $ex easily are treated by men. That said, women can’t put away their boobs and booty easily, so there’s that.

    Still, I’m Mr. Unorthodox with the romantic gestures. I’ll get the flowers because it’s de rigeur, but I’ll try to go in on something you like. Say, just to pull an example from history out of the air, your favorite food in the world is McDonald’s french fries. I’ll just show up one day with a bag of fries. Another example is Pop Tarts. Or something involving her favorite TV show. That will slay them.

    Though these days, I’d better get one H3LL of a workout before you get that from me. All those mocha lattes, you gotta do pilates! *cackle* I’m not giving up the romance easy. What do you think I am? Some simp that does romance for the first woman that doesn’t try to empty his pockets or call him names on sight? You gotta earn that ish.

    • TeeChantel

      #ugh

      • What did I say wrong? LOL

        • TeeChantel

          that last paragraph. you can’t rep the RU with that statement. we are about love not bitterness.

          • How about a Fat Darrell and dinner at Stuff Yer Face for Valentine’s Day? (And watch how I’m demonstrating what I mentioned in the 2nd paragraph gentlemen.)

            • TeeChantel

              So… I have a confession to make. I never had a Fat Darrell and I refused to eat any and everything that came out of Stuff Yer Face. I am more of an Au Bon Pain girl. But you can’t win me over with food.

              EDIT: Unless it is Chik-fil-a.

              *Cues in Meridian and Heyboo!*

              • Look at you Miss Saditty. LOL I just felt like sharing the Rutgers love. :) And during my days On The Banks, I did take dates there. It was either that or try to ball with J&J execs on George Street, and…the way my bank account was set up…LOL

              • MeridianBurst

                ^_^

                I can be won with pineapple or orange flavored drinks. If we take some kinda mixology class or a tasting, something like that, or even a food tasting but it’d have to be something really interesting. That’d be fun for me because I like trying new stuff culinary wise. Other than that I don’t really have specific things I like when it comes to gifts. Just give me sumfin interesting from the heart that you know I’d be into and you’re golden.

              • Uchechi Chinyere

                Longtime lurker here. I always find it so funny when I come across anything fellow RU alum frequent b/c I felt so out of place at RU. unfortunately more bitterness than love from this alum lol. Anyway, I too never had a Fat Darrell or ever stepped foot into Stuff Yer Face. BUT Old Man Rafferty and I were good friends after a guy took me there on a date. My college wallet didn’t like there much though

                • I was in Old Man Rafferty’s once for (no joke) a Libertarian Party meeting. Yeah…that wasn’t college student friendly. :)

                • TeeChantel

                  I was a grad student while at RU so I had a little more $$ but I was not a fan of that place. My classmates and I went there a few times to celebrate making it through a research paper or group presentation.

            • MeridianBurst

              I know what that is! I feel cool.

    • MeridianBurst

      Gift giving should always be a custom thing imo but nice gestures are nice gestures and are still plenty wonderful. I don’t think it’s a bargaining/demand thing. Men are romantic with women they genuinely feel that way towards and the affect it has causes enough happiness that she’d wanna be intimate, or at least be a ball of mush towards you. It automatically causes swoon.

    • Creativity is exhausting.

      It’s easier just to be rich and sign a check or hire someone to get something creative for your woman…of course, you’ll tell her it was all you though lol.

      • Sigma_Since 93

        “Creativity is exhausting.”

        Yes Lawd!!!!

        • black-a-rican

          I even wrote my friend’s wedding vows on his wedding day because he’s not the creative type. His wife will never know…

      • This is what my husband says. That the only difference between a creative, romantic negro and a flowers-and-a-teddy-better negro is money.

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