Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Lists, Theory & Essay

Five Things Having A Pregnant Wife Has Taught Me

1. Look, I get it. Pretty much every living thing you see — humans, birds, gnats, plants, Zetas, etc — can reproduce. And when something can be done by everything that shares any type of biological connection to youit’s really not that big of a deal. I mean, I didn’t go around all excited and shit when I learned Iggy Azalea is the AntiChrist. Because anyone can see that. And since anyone can see that, this knowledge doesn’t make me special.

In theory, reproduction should follow the same rules.

But HOLY SHIT!!! THERE IS A LIVING HUMAN BEING IN MY WIFE’S BODY!!! THAT WE PRODUCED!!! AND IT HAS A HEARTBEAT!!! A MOTHERFUCKING HEARTBEAT!!!

And this — the HOLY SHIT(!!!)-ness of the realization you were able to create an actual living human being — is never not amazing.

Still, I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit…

2. Until you hear the heartbeat, the pregnancy remains an abstraction. At least it did for me. It’s hard to explain. I mean, you’re aware your wife is pregnant. You know this. You’ve seen the take-home test results, you know she’s not having periods, and you’re aware she’s getting progressively stranger by the day (more on this in a bit). But you don’t feel it yet because it’s such a mind-blowing concept to grasp. It’s still not quite real. And it doesn’t help that The Wife Person’s baby bump right now looks less like an actual human is in there and more like she just ate thirteen Cheddar Bay biscuits. 

But then you go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat. And you have your first real “Holy Shit!” moment. And shit gets real. And then you start to fully wrap your mind around the fact that you’re about to be someone’s freakin’ dad. And it’s exciting. But more than exciting, it’s scary. Not because I’m not excited about being a dad. But because, how should I put this…um, have you met me? I had two waffles and three Cheetos for breakfast this morning. I’ve taken at least two “showers” in the sink in the last month. (I believe those are called “ho baths.”) Last night, I lost a staring contest with a stray cat. And I’m about to be someone’s freakin’ dad?????? Pray for this child.

3. Before The Wife Person was The Wife Person, we bonded over a shared love of seafood, spending countless happy hours sharing calamari and shrimp at Savoy. This affinity was so deep that we had a seafood brunch wedding. And, almost a year later, still remain pissed we weren’t able to eat as much as we wanted to.

The Pregnant Wife Person, however, doesn’t like shrimp as much. Or calamari. Or fish. Or any seafood, really. Instead, she loves…noodles. Noodles for lunch. Noodles for dinner. Noodle snacks. Noodles with a side of noodles. Shit, I’m surprised she hasn’t attempted to put noodles in our breakfast smoothies, and I kinda don’t want her to read this sentence because I don’t want her to get any ideas. I would not be terribly surprised if, by July, she completely metamorphosized into an egg noodle.

These silly people are about to be someone's actual parents. Pray for this child.

These people are about to be someone’s actual parents. Pray for this child.

4. Pregnancy is really the world’s ultimate “get out of jail free” card. Every awkward craving for sherbet and spaghetti and ice cream and broccoli, every bout of bizarre behavior, every time she calls me from work because she can’t find her cell phone even though the phone she can’t find is the one she’s calling me with, every time she complains about being “too hot” in a 61 degree loft, it’s all blamed on the pregnancy.

Thing is, I know she’s not making shit up. There’s A LOT going on in her body right now — an alien entity with its own social security number is making these demands, not her — and her behavior is a result of that. It still doesn’t make this process any less entertaining and amusing, though. And by “entertaining and amusing” I mean….actually, let’s just stick with “entertaining and amusing.”

5. My sperm works, apparently.

I know this seems super obvious, but if you’re a man who’s never gotten anyone pregnant, you really have no way of knowing how efficient your sperm happens to be. You might have inefficient sperm. You have no idea. But now I know my sperm works, so Yay my sperm!!!

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Nandiehills

    Congratulations to you and the wife person!

  • Brass Tacks

    Congrats, That kid is going to have an awesome father!

    • Damon Young

      lol, we’ll see

  • miss t-lee

    Awwwwwww.
    So awesome! Congrats.

  • cakes_and_pies

    Mazel Tov!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Damon Young

      do you say thanks in response to mazel tov?

      • I guess…since Mazel Tov really means good luck, actually that works better here.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Yes! The full expression to “Mazel Tov” is “Good luck has occurred.”

  • Sigma_Since 93

    Little Champ is on the way!!!!!

    Congratulations!!!

    Imma even let that Zeta shade slide today

    • Damon Young

      fortunately, i only know one zeta — and she’s out the country — so i’m not scared

    • MostlyMax

      Also

  • ED

    Congratulations!

  • Congrats…..so when the Bougie Black Baby onesies dropping

    • No. I’ve already seen Bougie Black Girl t-shirts in the strangest places…

      • Sigma_Since 93

        As long as you have not seen the White girl rocking the Bougie Black Girl shirt it’s cool.

        • What about a white girl dating a bougie black girl

          • Sigma_Since 93

            That’s a good one. I can visualize ol girl wearing the shirt because it has her lover’s scent

        • Thankfully not. But I’m not the only VSB that functions in certain circles. Read in between the lines. LOL

        • What if the white girl loves bougie black ones?

          • Sigma_Since 93

            I could happen. I would pay to see the stares she would get.

      • Damon Young

        a friend told me she saw one on a homeless man in nyc

    • Damon Young

      good question

  • Congratulations

    RIP pull out effectiveness posts.

    • So the ring means pull out complacency *scribbles notes*

      • ED

        No! Not it does not!

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I’m Sigma_Since93 and I approve this message. Please ignore for 2.5 seconds that I have two kids.

          • miss t-lee

            Nah. we ain’t ignoring sh*t.

    • miss t-lee

      Glad to see I wasn’t the only one who thought that…lol

    • KB

      only for Damon, for the rest of us

      • miss t-lee
        • KB

          LMAO!

        • MzzPeaches

          But I mean, Papa & Mama Wayans are like MVP’s to the No Pull Out movement, cause look what it netted.

          • miss t-lee

            Hey…when it works, it really works.

            • KB

              When your pullout game weak af but it all works out in the end.
              This must be Shawty-Lo’s plan.

              • miss t-lee

                Remains to be seen.
                I’m not betting the farm on Shawty Lo’s offspring #doe.

      • Brooklynonymous

        Successfully held giggles in throughout entire post. This ruined everything. ^

    • Agatha Guilluame

      I always wondered at the juxtaposition of calling oneself bougie but doing hoodrat things like “the pull out method”…

      • ED

        The pull out method is practiced all across the socioeconomic spectrum. I don’t know if I’d call that a “hoodrat thing” lol

        • Agatha Guilluame

          [this is purgatory]

      • Brass Tacks

        Well… I don’t know, It is roughly 96% effective Ms, Guilluame. and anything with that high of an effectiveness rate screams bougie to me. Besides, the true test of a man is in that next to the last pump…

        • Agatha Guilluame

          Percentages without raw numbers means nothing. Aren’t Bougie people supposed to be good at math? How else do they calculate how much to tip the waitress at Brunch?

          96% effectiveness means that if a million bougie black women are letting their men do this then…FORTY THOUSAND of them will get pregnant.

          • “When used correctly” is the caveat though. What percentage of people that attempt the pull out method are even doing it effectively is more important than the 96% because if only 1 in 10 people are doing it correctly…..

            • Wild Cougar

              Used correctly means she didn’t get pregnant cuz there is no other way to measure it, which makes the effectiveness stats kinda bs

      • Medium Meech

        The pull out method is the learned man’s way and is sanctioned by the church.

        • Agatha Guilluame

          The Church of Scientology.

          • afronica

            Thetans be scheming.

          • Medium Meech

            All the churches.Catholic especially. Only acceptable form of birth control. Backsliders try and act like they didn’t hear the pope on birth control. The uneducated spew pseudo science nonsense like precum.

            • Agatha Guilluame

              As an imperfect Catholic, I can still say with all certainty that your interpretation of what the Pope said is laughable.

    • Damon Young

      tu shea. tu motherfuckin shea.

      (this was actually planned, though.)

    • K Lust

      You gotta be an OG Pull Out King in these streets.

      • I don’t believe in pulling out.

        • K Lust

          o__0

          • I am the captain now.

            (I don’t have raw s*x anyway. or at least it only starts there but doesn’t end there)

  • YAY!! Congrats!

    • Damon Young

      thanks and sh*t

  • She Who Reads

    And y’all said I went left in my last paragraph yesterday?????

    Pssssssssshhhhhhhaawwwww. Working sperm takes all the cake. Sperm cake. Yuck. I’m grossed out. Goodbye.

    Congrats and ish to the parents of a Champ Person baby!

    • miss t-lee

      True, we can’t give you hard time about that anymore…lol

    • I take it that you don’t swallow huh?

      • #YouOkSis

      • Easy cowboy.

      • MzzPeaches

        0_o *dead*

    • Damon Young

      cake, cake, cake, cake, cake

    • Andie

      Love This!!! “Champ person baby” That is so cute.

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