Things Drunk White People Do That Black People Don’t Do…Unless We’re Being Black
And let me put this out there upfront, I’m scared of drunk white people. Drunk white people make me feel very uncomfortable like there’s always a fight that’s about to break out and if anybody ends up in jail, it will probably be…me. Especially with drunk white dudes. I don’t stay around those cats long. I saw the Scottsboro Boys, Face/Off, and Roadhouse. Oh yeah, and you remember that scene in The Little Mermaid where the drunk white cat starts hanging with the albatross and then eats eggs and dances with plates? Drunk white dudes did all that.
You see, drunk white people garner the same reaction from reading Black people that all Black people draw from white folks. Amazing how the stereotypes just flip-flop when you add some Pabst Blue Ribbon and Jager-bombs to the mix. Actually, I have no idea what the white libation of choice is but I will say that I only know one Black cat who’s ever ordered a White Russian, because it has milk…and you KNOW Black folks are lactose intolerant.
The more you know.
Anyway, here are things that drunk white people do when they’re drunk that Black people don’t do.
1. Get loud and belligerent as f*ck
While we, the Black people, are loud by nature – face it, we are – drunk white people take being loud to a whole new level. Especially the chicks. Thing is as opposed to yelling about important things like why the white man is the devil like my Hebrew Israelite friends in NYC do, white chicks yell about where their friends are and say, “I’m so drunk” over and over very loudly. Drunk white guys like to yell out the word, “bro” a lot, which is also different from our standard greeting (at least in the Southern states) of “bruh”.
I remember once while Chappelle’s Show was on the air a group of white dudes driving thru Adam’s Morgan in a cab yelling out to every Black person, “daaaaaaaaaaarkness”. And I’d have been mad if it wasn’t so gosh darn funny. Bazinga1
I know us ninjas are a fighting breed. I’m watching Martin right now and he just got into a fight with an old woman. See, we just do that. But drunk white people fight any and everybody. A drunk white guy just can’t stop himself from punching a hole into something and then going all “rager” while his drunk girlfriend tries to pull him away from the other drunk parties as they take off their shirts to show off the their muskels and prove that they can handle anything. Pride is the number one killer of Black men between birth and death. Alcohol and insider trading is the same for white people.
3. Go gay
Not sure why being drunk makes all white girls think its okay to tongue each other down. And it’s not like I’m complaining either. While it doesn’t do anything for me it would be rude of me to try to rob somebody else of the joy of seeing two snowbunnies ski each other’s slopes. But why does that happen? Ain’t no way in f*ck that two Black women are going to slob each other down because of liquor like white people. But yep, the pinks feel eachother up and grab boobs and arses, lick one another and taste the rainbow. By the way, tasting the rainbow is gay.
4. Invade personal space
All white people go all Napoleon when they’re drunk. Which is saying something since white people don’t respect personal space when they’re NOT drunk. But noooooope, drunk white people get all up in your grill and disrespect the 6-9 inch rule. This is the main reason I don’t do drunk white people. The entitlement issues developed during slavery manifest themselves at clubs where they embark their tyrannical reign of imperialist curmudgeonry by stepping on my toes and whipping me with their hair whilst elbowing me because we’re sharing the same square foot of space. I hate sharing square foots, son. Hate it. But that’s a drunk pink for you. Oh, and Black folks don’t invade personal space because doing so means somebody’s show might get stepped on and you know what happens when somebody’s shoe gets stepped on. You remember Do The Right Thing! And he was WHITE TOO!!!!
By the way, I love white people.
Heal the world.
-VSB P aka MR. GO KING BEEF aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3