These Are The Tales, The PJ Tales, Part V » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

These Are The Tales, The PJ Tales, Part V

Panama Jackson/VSB

 

Now, let’s be clear. Going out of town to see somebody that you don’t remember but have had some great conversations with will go one of two ways: 1) you all will have the same amazing chemistry in person that you have over the phone (I’ve been on that yacht before); or 2) it gets SUUUUUPER awkward almost immediately and both people want to bail but you paid for tickets and travelled so everybody decides to try to make the best out of it.

This situation was the latter.

So, I get to the airport and Tina comes to pick me up and we awkwardly hug. Here’s why: I think both of us didn’t remember the other person looking the way we looked. I can’t speak for her, but its my blog and I can cry if I want to, but I’m guessing she was over it. I know I was. But we’re at the airport. I can’t just go get back on a plane and fly back to DC, though the cold was enough to make me consider it.

Anyway, so we get in her car and make small talk. Nothing is worse than deflated excitement, by the way. Nothing. But, I’m in a new city with a chick who has become amazingly strange to me considering the hours long phone calls we had. Obviously, I’m in the passenger side of the car…with Tina driving. I’m looking around taking in the sights and I look over to my left and see Tina who I’m noticing has a HUGE “L” tattood on her neck. Like a huge one. Big big.

I’m not a terrible person in general, but at this point I realize that there isn’t much we can do for each other anyway. Also, she told me her name was Tina. I know we’re both Black, but even in my Blackest moments, I can’t make Tina work with an L. Ltina just doesn’t work, ya know. So I asked the only logical question I could think to ask at the time:

“You must have a really good job, huh?”

Her: “I’m a nurse at a hospital here? Why do you ask?”

Me: “You have an L on your neck. And It’s huge. That is job security. By the way, what does that L stand for?”

Honestly, I was prepared for her to say anything from “Lion” to my ex-boyfriend “Larry Johnson”. Turns out her name is actually LaTina. Or possibly La’Tina. Or Latina. I have no clue how she spelled it. Which is fine, it’s her name. Not mine. (Here’s how much of a dumbass I am. In attempts to try to find her, I googled “latina rochester new york” and TOTALLY didn’t hink that “latina” is well, “latina”. Yeah, that search bore no fruit.)

Anyway, it was evening-ish time and she took me back to her place. I assume we picked up something to eat. I honestly have no recollection. We decided to try to make the best of it and she was like, hey, have you seen the movie Dreamcatcher?

I had not.

Look, I watch bad movies as a rule. They’re kind of my shit. But I don’t watch bad scary movies where things get so weird that I want to stab you for making me see this. Don’t ever watch Dreamcatcher. Ever. There were monsters crawling out of toilets eating folks asses. Again, not in the good way. And then Morgan Freeman showed up. It just got weird and uncomfortable. Now, I don’t remember having much conversation. And you know how niggas do. Shit ain’t sweet but its time for bed and niggas try women anyway? Not me. I can’t even remember if I got my spoon action in or not. But I can see me being like…you know what, I don’t care at all. It was THAT unmemorable.

But Saturday? Ooooooh Saturday. So clearly our chemistry had devolved into watching the time tick down til my flight on Sunday afternoon. Now, I woke up on Saturday, and we were chillin’ for a minute, and around noon, she ends up leaving. To go where? I have no clue. She hit me with the, be right back. All I know is that I was sitting in an apartment of a woman I didn’t really know for HOURS, b. This was pre-smart phone. I didn’t have a laptop. Nada. I basically just watched television and DIDN’T watch Dreamcatcher again. I hate that movie, yo. I will also always associate it with Tina from Rochester.

So, HOURS later this motherfucker comes back home and is like, so, would you like to go out to eat? Mind you, I’ve been in solitaire for like 4 hours with no food and only water in this cold ass city. Yes, I was hungry. We end up going to Cheesecake Factory in Henrietta, which is a suburb of the ROC. But before we get there this happens.

We’re driving and she’s like, “yo, I need to stop at my homegirl’s house…to pick up some duct tape.”

Duct tape, my nigga? But what can I do, I’m along for the ride, it ain’t like I can say no. My immediate thoughts are, she’s going to kill me. Turns out she needed a reason to stop at her girls house. Now, conventional wisdom would say that we get to her girls house, she gets the tape and then we roll.

Noap. She goes into the house for an HOUR. I’m sitting in her car – it’s on thank goodness – for an hour wondering if she died or if something has gone awry. Here’s the problem, I couldn’t check on her if I wanted to, I have no clue what house she even went into. So I was stuck sitting in a damn car for an hour while she went to get some “duct tape.” This happened.

FINALLY, she comes back…like NOTHING has happened and is like, are you ready? Let’s go! Now, the analyst in me thinks she went to go to her friends house to tell them how shitty this visit has been and because she was over me she gave zero fucks about me being in the car for an hour. Well played Tina with an L on your neck. Well played.

Oh, she ain’t have nan’ duct tape either.

EXCEPT…

…at the Cheesecake Factory, Tina hits me with this gem:

“So what are we doing?”

“Um…what do you mean?”

“Like, you came to visit me, are we dating, are we trying to see where this can go? What are your intentions here?”

(Swear fo’ gawd that happened.)

Now, I’m dumbfounded. Because how is it that this trip where you’ve left me alone for substantial amounts of time and have been visibly just as over it as I am turned into a “what’s going on here” conversation?

“You cool. But I don’t think this is gon’ work. Plus, you left me in your car for an hour to get some “duct tape” that you didn’t return to the car with. And you left me alone for hours today in your cold ass apartment. NOT to mention you made me watch that TRASH movie last night which, girl, your taste sucks. North West won’t be born for another 10 years but she would totally side-eye you right now. But mostly, I just don’t this this is gon’ work. But I’ll pay for this meal though. It’s the least I can do after paying to fly up to see you in this cold city. Also, can you recommend a tattoo artist. I really like that L.”

It went something like that though I’m sure nowhere near it. We were there for some hours and I feel like at some point upon realizing that this trip was a mess we were able to laugh about it. Usually that leads to some “why not sex” but that didn’t happen. In fact, I’m pretty sure we just went back to her place, I slept on the couch and then flew off into the sunset the next day never to hear from or see Tina with an L again.

The moral of this story: Dreamcatcher suuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

 

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • Heavens2Murgatroid

    At “duct tape” I would have gotten out at the next stop sign/light and proceeded to the nearest store with a phone, called a taxi, and slept it out at the airport.

    • LMNOP

      Yeah. That’s the kind of thing that makes you think “oh sht, I’m spending the weekend with a serial killer.”

    • Cuz at this point I don’t know what duct tape is actually used for outside of iniquitous deeds

      • Lea Thrace

        “iniquitous”

        I may have just fallen for you. *swoons*

        • Bout time.

          • Lea Thrace

            You and @Ricky are tempting me to get a young buck roster going. Bwahahaha!

    • panamajackson

      To be fair…I not once ever in my life thought she was going to get any duct tape. We rolled by at least one CVS. Because no matter where you are, you roll by at least one CVS.

  • LadyIbaka

    I tried to can this story but ended not.

    • panamajackson

      Imagine how I felt.

  • PunchDrunkLove

    Lemme tell you I’ve had 3 or 4 or 5 good laughs at this! Hilarity at its finest. I feel ya, too on meeting someone and upon meeting up again THAT AIN’T EXACTLY WHO YOU REMEMBERED!! I can sooo relate. Thanks for the laugh this morning. At least you were a gentleman about it. Some ole janky negro would’ve tried to smash to cash in on money put out for the plane ticket. Plus, you were young and you get to chaulk it up to experience.

    • The fact she said no secks zone you knooooow better, and he came anyway she knew Peej was the lightbright ninja you bring home to mama

      • It’s funny how we both see the same thing, but the women aren’t picking up the whole picture.

      • panamajackson

        Yeah. She knew I was the safe negro.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        Mmm hmmm, like I said a learning experience of what NEVER to do again.

  • LMNOP

    Your guardian angel must put in a lot of overtime. The duct tape thing? Could have been a lot worse. Also if you were a woman, this would be even crazier and more dangerous.

    • PaddyfotePrincess

      I’m saying, tho. Duct tape? And you leave me in the car for an hour? Are you plotting to keep me chained in a damp basement and feed me mashed bananas for an extended period of time?

    • panamajackson

      If I was a woman, I’m not sure I’d have gone. Also, many situations look COMPLETELY different if they’re happening to a woman. I have a situation RIGHT NOW that I’m not personally shook from b/c I’m a man whereas every woman I know has been like…CALL THE COPS YO.

      • Angel Baby

        Tell the story P!

      • BreezyX2

        But didn’t I….I tried to…chilllllllllllleeeeeee boo…

        http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lu8cboy3l21qevix0.gif

        • Agatha Guilluame

          Sadly, crazy never know they’re crazy they just keep showing up at your job and trying to charm your friends.

      • Rachmo

        I don’t even know the story and I’ll just preemptively say call the cops yo!

      • This is so true. It’s just not the same. My guard is up against not only physical but also chexual assault. I weigh 100 lbs. I don’t take that lightly. lol

  • Tentpole

    Just one thing PJ, how did you miss the “L” in Atlanta?

    • panamajackson

      She had her hair down when I met her. And who looks for neck tats. lol

  • KB

    First off, she left you for 4 hours then again for another hour in the car? Yeah she was getting knocked down by some dude while you were there. He was probably named La’Quan or something.

    This La’Tina lady must be found. She’s such an intriguing character of the wayward and awkward/slightly ratchet kind. I fell like there’s more to this story and I want to hear her side.

    • Yeah, that’s the most parsimonious explanation. You were to be the respectable front dude while the dude she REALLY wants, but can’t take around her fam and job, is busting down dem walls on the reg.

    • panamajackson

      Like I said, I actually tried to find her but I don’t remember her last name for sh*t and googleing “latina” “rochester new york” yields about a million more returns than I need. lol

  • – Use the term UPSTATE New York. The Five Boroughs, Long Island and Westchester want nothing to do with their shenanigans in Rochester. Nothing.

    – Perhaps I’m super-jaded, but once you mentioned “duct tape” I was thinking some freak ish. Then again, I saw the video for The Weeknd’s “Earned It” off the 50 Shades of Gray soundtrack last night through the blizzard. Hot record, but, um…challenged representation of BDSM. Like me and my friend in the scene was straight up laughing at the joint.

    – You should have just went for #data$$ right around the time Dreamcatcher was on. It would have been a win-win. If she was with it, you could see what that mouth do and, at minimum, get a nut out of the deal. If she wasn’t with it, you have a ready made excuse as to why your a$$ would be sleeping at the airport that night. Plus she would get to hold on to her dignity as she spins the story to her friends. Kicking a dude out b/c he was pushing for the cookie sounds better than kicking a dude out because he figure out you had someone else.

    – And ish like this is scaring me away from vanilla stuff. For all of my craziness, at least I’ve cashed in some $ex at the end of the deal. All you guys are getting is frustration and depression. Please tell me reg’lar dating isn’t that bad. Pretty please with sugar on top! I’ll even let you…FIX ME UP! I’d rather walk on hot coals than be fixed up, but I want to avoid foolishness like this.

    – PJ, I feel for ya man. That was some disastrous ish. At least you two didn’t get boo’ed up, right? RIGHT?!

    • “You should have just went for #data$$…”

      seeee, nawl. lol. This is why I would totally fail at being a dude. I respect the unknown of the crazy coefficient enough to not go sticking peen in random p00n who uses duct tape as an excuse to abandon folk for 60 minutes. naawwwl. lol

      • The funny part is just going for #data$$ is often the *safest* of possible options. Hell has no fury like a woman scorned, and if you try to do the dip on a chick because you weren’t feeling her like that, you might end up dead faster. Thanks to modern prophylactics, offering D can be a safe way to get out of a bad situation. It seems like women are more comfortable rejecting a dude for $exual reasons than relational reasons. It makes no sense, but the scariest situations I’ve been in have been me trying to tell a girl, “um…I’m just not feeling you like that.”

    • MeridianBurst

      Ever try a matchmaker Todd? I know someone who’s really good at it. It isn’t me, but I could definitely squeeze you in after I’m finished with Nick. It’ll be fun!

      • Sure, why not? LOL

        • MeridianBurst

          YAY! I love meddling in people’s busine — I mean. I will have you set up in no time! *puts on glasses and pulls out clipboard* Just a few preliminary questions. Have anyone in mind?

          • Not really. :)

            • MeridianBurst

              What are you looking for?

              • Epsilonicus

                A freak

                • MeridianBurst

                  I’m sure I know a few. Probably. Freaks like to pretend they aren’t bout that life though, so. This matchmaking might be a challenge.

              • Actually, I want a decent human that I can build a home with. I am willing to train with the freak stuff. :)

                • MeridianBurst

                  I know lots of those kind of women! I’m pretty sure most of the women I hang around are more on the build a home with end of the spectrum. What age are you looking for?

                  • Anyone 25 and up.

                    • MeridianBurst

                      Any other parameters?

                    • HeyBooHey

                      Hol up, we playing matchmaker?!? I could use a nice manly match

                      “I’m (redacted) and I’m a Gemini. I like long walks, listening to music and catering to my man…”

                    • MeridianBurst

                      Are you over 25, at least 5’8, and interested in building a home?

                    • Angel Baby

                      LMAO

                    • MeridianBurst

                      I am thee most legit matchmaker ever. Results in 10 minutes or less.

                    • 5’8″ or taller, and a waist to hip ratio below 0.7. The lower the better, and the taller the better. :)

                    • MeridianBurst

                      Cool!

    • panamajackson

      Definitely didnt get boo’d up.

  • Rachmo
    • I actually stopped and prayed in the middle of this. Like for real. But I’ma need your help sticking with mainstream dating after this. Like…this is the possibilities? All to be conventional?

      • Rachmo

        I have never heard of anything like this. Leaving someone alone for four hours and then one hour in the car? Even if you’re not feeling the person common courtesy is to have an itinerary of some sort. Just no.

        • KMN

          But my thing is why did she even trust him like that to sit up in her house for HOURS? No shade PJ but instead of you worrying about duct tape she should’ve been worrying about you gorilla taping her behind and torturing and killing her. She must ride on the wings of an angel because aint no way in the entire HELL i would’ve just let some random kneegrow sit up in my house and come back home half a work day later and expect 1 all my stuff to be there or 2 to NOT be killed.
          She needs to make better choices but what do you expect of a LaTina that’s not Latina with an L on her neck -_-

        • Val

          Right. I just want to know why PJ stayed at her apartment for 4 hours. After two hours I would have called a cab and been at the airport or bus station or train station or hotel or somewhere.

          • Rachmo

            I mean PJ is a popular dude. He prob could have gone to a bar and found a whole new posse to ride out with for the weekend.

            • Yeah, I would’ve just had to make the most of a weekend in Rochester, L Tina provided me with an amazing icebreaker story

          • miss t-lee

            Yup. Straight escape.

          • panamajackson

            Let’s be real here…I didn’t know I was gon’ be waiting for four hours. I had no clue what was happening. Hell she could have been in a car accident. Yo no se. I think its a bit unrealistic to be like…yo, i’m bailing on this chick Ive been talking to for a month on the phone religiously even though so far this trip hasn’t gone anything like I expected it to go.

        • Hostile Negress

          I feel pretty strongly that MOST people are trying to kill me. So there’s no fucking way he would have been alone in my house for four hours; who knows how many IEDs he could be devising.

          Of course, I would also not have gone over her house because again, see above. So this was all a mess.

          • Angel Baby

            LOL I’m not alone in this thinking process?!?!?! I swear if you leaving when I get there I must really like you if I stay. Let alone you leaving for hours?! I would’ve been left! My red flags go up and I go into defense and am ready to fight…like I don’t know who you’re coming back with or how many I have to fight off! That’s just a no as a woman! Especially if it’s my first time at your house.

            • I don’t like strangers in my house either….I would find something for you to do if I had to run to work or something

            • Hostile Negress

              I’ve taken a knife on a job interview and routinely plan escape routes from Ubers and other enclosed spaces. So yeah, I’m pretty hyperactive on the #nomurder front.

              I watch too much Dateline, clearly.

              • Angel Baby

                Nope we’re just women who obviously get a lot of attention so we know how easily things can go left if we’re not in the mood for it. Call that a lifetime of prep work for how we are now. Nothing too bad has happened and hopefully nothing will but I will be prepared. I remember I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow when I first got my own apt without roomates and I lived on the first floor. My boyfriend/ex husband found it one time before he started staying over all the time and was like wth?! LOL bwahahahahaha

                • Hostile Negress

                  Lmao – i ALWAYS have a weapon in a room. Apparently this is “offensive to your loved ones”.

                  Whatevs, nobody’s got time to be getting murdered. Now I DO cop to an anxiety condition. And my thinking has been called (air quotes) strange.

                  But I just feel like being prepared to mace a person is a good tactical plan for avoiding being the topic of a news program titled “Into The Night” or some foolishment.

                  Now the job interview well it was on a Saturday for a small firm in a far dlung part of Atl. I felt like being armed made sense. My crossbow was in the shop so a small knife was tucked between resumes and samples.

                  Ok there’s no crossbow lmao

                  • black-a-rican

                    “My crossbow was in the shop”

                    LMAO. What are you, a super hero/villan on the side?

                    • Hostile Negress

                      I may have looked at such a weapon at Sports Authority. That’s totes normal right???

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Only if you like hunting animals with it.

                    • black-a-rican

                      Of course, if you know what you’re doing.
                      (not because you’re a female, but because you’re a civilian)

                    • Epsilonicus

                      Crossbow isnt the best weapon. It takes too long to reload

                  • LMNOP

                    Lol, I’m kind of the opposite with weapons. I’ll scan a room for anything I could use as a weapon if I needed to, but I just got knives that are more than 4 inches long for the first time about a year ago because it scares me to have things laying around that someone could kill me with. I also cut my own hair because I can’t deal with the idea of someone coming at my neck with scissors.

                    • Hostile Negress

                      Touche – weapons can be used against you. Hadn’t considered!

                      I used to keep a low cut and I trusted my barber not to slash and run lol but its people in my home or in enclosed spaces that get me to thinking! Lol

              • menajeanmaehightower

                And Criminal Minds, obviously! LOL.

                • AlwaysCC

                  i just binge watched criminal minds on netflix and i couldn’t sleep for a week! and i ALWAYS keep my laptop closed because #cameras

                  • menajeanmaehightower

                    That show will have you seeing the suburban life differently.

                  • Val

                    If Criminal Minds keeps you up then never ever watch Dexter. That used to get to me sometimes.

                    • black-a-rican

                      Dexter was bout dat life, but at least he had a code. As long as you aren’t doing dirt, you have nothing to worry about.

                    • AlwaysCC

                      i watched dexter the first couple of seasons. it didn’t bother me…i guess because it seemed more fictional than the crazy people who are most likely lurking in my neighborhood lol

            • miss t-lee

              Exactly. There’s no way he would’ve been left in my house. If I wasn’t feeling him, he’d just have to be somewhere else, but not in my house while I’m out and about.
              NOPE.

              • PunchDrunkLove

                LOLOLOL….right! I’dda had to leave him at a shopping center or something, but no way I’m leaving someone I know in my home let alone allowng him to spend the night. Not saying anything was harmful about Panama, but you just can’t go trusting folks all willy nilly.

                • miss t-lee

                  Right.

          • Rachmo

            Yeah I’d need to know you better before we did that. But who knows? Maybe early 20s Rachmo would have been down?

          • panamajackson

            I busted out laughing at most people trying to kill you.

            • Hostile Negress

              I feel like hey, better safe than sorry. I mean I have guests and stuff. But I am usually giving them a mean Aunt Esther eye when they are in the bathroom too long.

              I will not be murderized! But this isn’t about me. This is about how random visits to Rochester is not part of a winning life strategy lol

          • Epsilonicus

            I couldn’t live like this.

            • LMNOP

              To be real, it’s not a fun way to live. I doubt many people choose it.

          • AlwaysCC

            i almost never had anyone over to my place. i always thought in the back of my mind that they could come back and kill me *shrug* it was just safer to never reveal the location of the batcave…

            • Rachmo

              I used to be super weird about guys coming over. For all the dating I did very few made it to my place.

          • “I feel pretty strongly that MOST people are trying to kill me.”

            MEEEEE TOOOOOO!

          • LMNOP

            So it’s not just me. The whole time I was reading that like “have you never seen law & order?!?”

      • h.h.h.

        this was just an aberration.

        most women are great individuals, super beautiful, not crazy, multiple degrees, and totally doing the darn thing.

        us guys just have to not get worried about the 1..or 2…or 3…or 4…or 5…or 6…women you encounter.

        so i have been told from the Goddesses upon high.

        *whistles in the corner whilst playing solitaire*

        • you crack me up. lol

          • h.h.h.

            i’m just proclaiming what i’ve been indoctrinated with…

            *drinks his coffee with 10 cream*

        • Tabernacle! Apparently I am just doing something to attract the crazies. Now if I’d only met my women in chuuch, they’d be good quality women, not like the Jezebels I deal with. ;-)

      • Rose

        Mine too!

  • miss t-lee

    Yikes this is cringeworthy.

  • uniquebeauty79

    One question? Anymore trips to see women you barely know? Cause that duct tape thing would have scared the ish out of me

    • panamajackson

      Hmm…yes. I’ve definitely still gone to see women that I didn’t know via anything else but phone calls. One of them became my girlfriend and was the source of frequent trips to both Boston and NYC in 2005 and 2006.

      I actually plan on telling that story too.

      • uniquebeauty79

        I can’t wait for it, lol…if you ever meet one in Birmingham let me know I can set you up with a nice room discount if you get the hush treatment from the next one….

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