Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

These Are The Tales, The PJ Tales, Part V

FullSizeRender (1)Now, let’s be clear. Going out of town to see somebody that you don’t remember but have had some great conversations with will go one of two ways: 1) you all will have the same amazing chemistry in person that you have over the phone (I’ve been on that yacht before); or 2) it gets SUUUUUPER awkward almost immediately and both people want to bail but you paid for tickets and travelled so everybody decides to try to make the best out of it.

This situation was the latter.

So, I get to the airport and Tina comes to pick me up and we awkwardly hug. Here’s why: I think both of us didn’t remember the other person looking the way we looked. I can’t speak for her, but its my blog and I can cry if I want to, but I’m guessing she was over it. I know I was. But we’re at the airport. I can’t just go get back on a plane and fly back to DC, though the cold was enough to make me consider it.

Anyway, so we get in her car and make small talk. Nothing is worse than deflated excitement, by the way. Nothing. But, I’m in a new city with a chick who has become amazingly strange to me considering the hours long phone calls we had. Obviously, I’m in the passenger side of the car…with Tina driving. I’m looking around taking in the sights and I look over to my left and see Tina who I’m noticing has a HUGE “L” tattood on her neck. Like a huge one. Big big.

I’m not a terrible person in general, but at this point I realize that there isn’t much we can do for each other anyway. Also, she told me her name was Tina. I know we’re both Black, but even in my Blackest moments, I can’t make Tina work with an L. Ltina just doesn’t work, ya know. So I asked the only logical question I could think to ask at the time:

“You must have a really good job, huh?”

Her: “I’m a nurse at a hospital here? Why do you ask?”

Me: “You have an L on your neck. And It’s huge. That is job security. By the way, what does that L stand for?”

Honestly, I was prepared for her to say anything from “Lion” to my ex-boyfriend “Larry Johnson”. Turns out her name is actually LaTina. Or possibly La’Tina. Or Latina. I have no clue how she spelled it. Which is fine, it’s her name. Not mine. (Here’s how much of a dumbass I am. In attempts to try to find her, I googled “latina rochester new york” and TOTALLY didn’t hink that “latina” is well, “latina”. Yeah, that search bore no fruit.)

Anyway, it was evening-ish time and she took me back to her place. I assume we picked up something to eat. I honestly have no recollection. We decided to try to make the best of it and she was like, hey, have you seen the movie Dreamcatcher?

I had not.

Look, I watch bad movies as a rule. They’re kind of my shit. But I don’t watch bad scary movies where things get so weird that I want to stab you for making me see this. Don’t ever watch Dreamcatcher. Ever. There were monsters crawling out of toilets eating folks asses. Again, not in the good way. And then Morgan Freeman showed up. It just got weird and uncomfortable. Now, I don’t remember having much conversation. And you know how niggas do. Shit ain’t sweet but its time for bed and niggas try women anyway? Not me. I can’t even remember if I got my spoon action in or not. But I can see me being like…you know what, I don’t care at all. It was THAT unmemorable.

But Saturday? Ooooooh Saturday. So clearly our chemistry had devolved into watching the time tick down til my flight on Sunday afternoon. Now, I woke up on Saturday, and we were chillin’ for a minute, and around noon, she ends up leaving. To go where? I have no clue. She hit me with the, be right back. All I know is that I was sitting in an apartment of a woman I didn’t really know for HOURS, b. This was pre-smart phone. I didn’t have a laptop. Nada. I basically just watched television and DIDN’T watch Dreamcatcher again. I hate that movie, yo. I will also always associate it with Tina from Rochester.

So, HOURS later this motherfucker comes back home and is like, so, would you like to go out to eat? Mind you, I’ve been in solitaire for like 4 hours with no food and only water in this cold ass city. Yes, I was hungry. We end up going to Cheesecake Factory in Henrietta, which is a suburb of the ROC. But before we get there this happens.

We’re driving and she’s like, “yo, I need to stop at my homegirl’s house…to pick up some duct tape.”

Duct tape, my nigga? But what can I do, I’m along for the ride, it ain’t like I can say no. My immediate thoughts are, she’s going to kill me. Turns out she needed a reason to stop at her girls house. Now, conventional wisdom would say that we get to her girls house, she gets the tape and then we roll.

Noap. She goes into the house for an HOUR. I’m sitting in her car – it’s on thank goodness – for an hour wondering if she died or if something has gone awry. Here’s the problem, I couldn’t check on her if I wanted to, I have no clue what house she even went into. So I was stuck sitting in a damn car for an hour while she went to get some “duct tape.” This happened.

FINALLY, she comes back…like NOTHING has happened and is like, are you ready? Let’s go! Now, the analyst in me thinks she went to go to her friends house to tell them how shitty this visit has been and because she was over me she gave zero fucks about me being in the car for an hour. Well played Tina with an L on your neck. Well played.

Oh, she ain’t have nan’ duct tape either.

EXCEPT…

…at the Cheesecake Factory, Tina hits me with this gem:

“So what are we doing?”

“Um…what do you mean?”

“Like, you came to visit me, are we dating, are we trying to see where this can go? What are your intentions here?”

(Swear fo’ gawd that happened.)

Now, I’m dumbfounded. Because how is it that this trip where you’ve left me alone for substantial amounts of time and have been visibly just as over it as I am turned into a “what’s going on here” conversation?

“You cool. But I don’t think this is gon’ work. Plus, you left me in your car for an hour to get some “duct tape” that you didn’t return to the car with. And you left me alone for hours today in your cold ass apartment. NOT to mention you made me watch that TRASH movie last night which, girl, your taste sucks. North West won’t be born for another 10 years but she would totally side-eye you right now. But mostly, I just don’t this this is gon’ work. But I’ll pay for this meal though. It’s the least I can do after paying to fly up to see you in this cold city. Also, can you recommend a tattoo artist. I really like that L.”

It went something like that though I’m sure nowhere near it. We were there for some hours and I feel like at some point upon realizing that this trip was a mess we were able to laugh about it. Usually that leads to some “why not sex” but that didn’t happen. In fact, I’m pretty sure we just went back to her place, I slept on the couch and then flew off into the sunset the next day never to hear from or see Tina with an L again.

The moral of this story: Dreamcatcher suuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.

 

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • As one of VSB’s premiere awkward fellows, I honestly can’t think of a time in my life that had this level of sustained awkwardness.

    • MeridianBurst

      As someone who has a knack for making sh*t awkward, even I’M cringing at this episode of “I Don’t Love New York”.

    • panamajackson

      It was an interesting array of f*cksh*ttery.

      • LadyIbaka

        Jammy Jams, if nobody has told you, you ain’t shid for this story. God, your reaction should have won you an Oscar! Dang.

  • iamnotakata

    LMAO!! This story is a mess! Well that was a waste of a trip, did you at least get a tour?

    • IcePrincess

      A tour of what?! It’s Rochester ????

      • He seen Cheesecake Factory I feel like….that’s it.

        • HeyBooHey

          And Wegman’s. That’s definitely it after that Wegman’s

    • panamajackson

      I got no tour.

  • Pillows McGee

    ive never been Rochester but will in May because my brother is graduating. I only associated Rochester with him and finding Frederick Douglas’ grave, now thanks to you this story will in my head and hope nothing happens that lands me in the hospital with a nurse named Latina lol awkwardness of the century

    • panamajackson

      I so wish I knew her last name. I don’t think I’d recognize her if I saw her in the streets either.

      • Lea Thrace

        You would know her by that L

        • panamajackson

          I’d have to be all in her neck to determine it was her doe.

  • BeautifullyHuman

    Y’all must’ve been seriously unattracted to each other because I can’t imagine how the turn of events became this awkward. I mean if you’re shooting the sh*t for hours over the phone on an ongoing basis, how were yall not at least cool platonically once you discovered the attraction wasn’t there (at least enough to get through the weekend)? It’s not like both of you were catfished and you hopped off the plane looking like Sean Kingston.

    • MeridianBurst

      Right. You would think after all that chatting and pleasantries the friendship would’ve at least continued even though it was painfully obvious nothing romantic was there. Maybe it got ruined when she tried to pull the “so what is this?” thing and the obvious answer was “nothing”. Can’t really be friends after you put yourself way out there like that.

    • Yeah. Something must have went all the way left.

    • TeeChantel

      Right? That’s my question. They met in person the first time and chatted for a minute. I would like to know what exactly caused the change when he saw her for the second time. Also, did he not see the neck tattoo the first time? Perhaps she got the tattoo after there first meet up.

      Long story short, that was a pure jerk move on her part.

      • panamajackson

        LOL. When I met her – and remember, it was all of 5 minutes – she had her hair down. I never saw it. Both of us had that reaction. Again, it wasnt like we hated each other, it just went from classy to ashy.

    • I assumed Peej was drunk and she wasn’t as attractive as she was that 5 minutes

      • panamajackson

        I don’t remember her being unattractive necessarily. Just…neither of us were plussed. lol

    • panamajackson

      This is an interesting point. I was surprised – and dare I say she was too – just how quickly it went from “excited” to “over it”. It was odd. I mean, we made the best of it to a degree. It wasn’t all awkward silences and lulls in conversation. Some laughs were had, but it was definitely not a weekend I’d ever want to relive. And I’m sure she felt the same way.

      • NomadaNare

        Real question though: Why didn’t you just smash? I’m sure that would’ve increased the interest by at least %50-100.

        • PunchDrunkLove

          Cause no

        • panamajackson

          That assumes that this was on the table as an option. Considering she made a point to say no buns upfront, and the awkwardness upon getting there, I feel like “why didn’t I just smash” would become a rape charge.

  • TheOtherJerome

    “The moral of this story: Dreamcatcher suuuuuuuuuuuuuucked.”

    Duddits!!!!!

    My homeboy used to randomly yell that after watching this film lol. Seriously PJ, how could you not like a film where a dude poops out an alien? You think star trek would be bold enough to pull something like that? Nope. Only the mind of Stephen King…….

    • panamajackson

      I hate that movie with my whole heart.

  • PaddyfotePrincess

    Damn. Just…damn.

  • Scorpiona

    THIS! This right here is hilarity personified! And thanks for the cinematic warning. LMAOOO!!

  • MeridianBurst

    “Again, not in the good way.”

    So you think there’s a good way to eat a*s?

    It doesn’t matter. Your mentions about neck tattoos and booty munching monsters were hilarious in today’s post. A post about how much you hated this chick and your visit to New York, and how excruciatingly awkward she made it by trying to make something out of nothing. I’m not gonna read the room though.

    Just flapping my gums about the submoral of this story, which is…when two people connect on a certain level, and have chemistry that’s evolved into counting the seconds ’til someone makes that first not awkward move, it’s a preferred experience. You look at her, she looks at you, you draw confidence and security from one another and you make it happen. Sometimes people forget that, regardless of how you get to the point where you’re at each other’s fingertips, you both want the same thing no matter what. To close the gap and fulfill yourselves. It would be a beautiful thing to watch two people with that much between them find one another. This tale is just plain unfortunate.

  • NomadaNare

    After this story, I am absolutely sure that if I knew you or we went to college together we would be the best of friends. I have a lightskint-European-mix friend named Clark* pronounced “Clawk”, (yes that’s really how he says Clark) that also gets into these horrible situations simultaneously through no fault of his own and entirely because of his bad choices. Example? He fell in love with this girl in college and tried to sneak in to see her in the all girls dorm. Eventually one thing led to another and he was literally dragged kicking and screaming out of the dorm, clutching door sills all while screaming the girls name loudly through the dorm. To this day, when we want to tease him, we scream “Lea!” at the top of our lungs. Another Example? We threw this man a bachelor party a couple of years ago and eventually stopped at Stadium in DC. Why is this dude the only one that one of the strippers actually came on to and we all almost got ejected from the club until SHE backed the bouncer off? I have a feeling you have multiple similar stories.

    *Not his real name

    • Aicha7

      I feel like your second paragraph is every bit as enjoyable as Panama’s tale of woe. I wish to hear more about Clark. Tales of him should appear regularly.

    • Lea Thrace

      I need more stories of Clark. Asaptually!

      • NomadaNare

        Okay, one more. Clark really really really likes pranks. Like too much. So April Fool’s day was notorious for shenanigans. We’re usually on guard the day of So picture this, March 31, at around 11:30 AM we’re all drunkenly walking back from a long night of partying and being young men of a certain age and temperament. Clark develops a large cough that begins to sound worse and worse as we get closer to the dorms. Everybody gets home and goes to bed (or to goes cake with boo/girl/bae/spoogie). April 1 at 2:00 AM we (the crew) all get texts from Clark’s phone that he’s coughing up blood and we head to his room (some of us even get this text mid-boot knocking). We get there and Clark is legitimately coughing up what looks like blood, so we all pile into the school provided shuttle and head to hospital. Clark doesn’t have a jacket. We get out the shuttle, and Clark falls to ground because he doesn’t have the energy to walk from the parking lot to the hospital. He crawls for a little bit with all the dramatics and coughing and we pick him up. As we begin to carry him to the hospital on our shoulders like a fallen soldier, he begins laughing and coughs out April Fools. we all look at him incredulous and leave him at the hospital because we’re so mad at him. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, the cough doesn’t go away and we find out Clark actually caught walking pneumonia and needed to go to the hospital, and the doctor says that what got him sick was induced pulmonary trauma probably from overstressing his lungs (like by fake coughing). I’m sure the rolling around on the ground trying to sell the dramatics didn’t help either.

        • Lea Thrace

          Clark is awesome and turrible at the same damn time!

        • MeridianBurst

          This isn’t funny. Pranks aren’t funny when you’re fearing for someone’s life. Shenanigans are supposed to be lighthearted and what not.

          • NomadaNare

            Well, that’s why we all got really mad and left him at the hospital. Looking back on it, it’s funny now. Except for the part where he gave himself pneumonia.

        • LadyIbaka

          Is Clark single? That sounds like shid I would definitely do.

          • NomadaNare

            Clark got married a couple of years ago to an excellent Caribbean dentist.

            • LadyIbaka

              That’s sooo sad! He sounds like lots of fun!

    • panamajackson

      I did get chased down by an albino stripper at Clark once. I do indeed have a sordid canon of tales gone awry. Life comes at you fast.

      • NomadaNare

        No, life comes at *you* fast. And Clark. And then you make questionable decisions. And it’s hilarious. This is why I demand at least one lightskint ninja in any group of ninjas. Adds spice.

        • panamajackson

          I kind of assumed that everybody has an albino stripper story. I’m sad to know this might not be the case.

          • NomadaNare

            The more you mention Albino strippers, the more I want to hear this story…

    • LadyIbaka

      This story had me in tears!!!

  • Val

    *thinks L-Tina went to get some nookie whilst PJ was left chillin’ in el caro*

    • IcePrincess

      That’d be some sh*t I’d do ????

      • Why do something like that with a dude you ain’t even that tight with?

        • IcePrincess

          Huh? Reread Val’s comment…

          • OK, lemme clarify myself. Why would you go through all of those changes to get some when you have someone who traveled out of town to see you who wants the cookie themselves? I mean, they’re going to be out of town in a couple days anyway. Why not wait? It just seem extra for no good reason.

            • miss t-lee

              Simple. She wasn’t feeling him like that.
              It’s apparent she didn’t give an entire f*ck.

              • That’s why PJ should have just laid it all out there. It gets rid of ambiguity, and allows people to move on.

                • miss t-lee

                  You’re reading this story with logic.

                  • That’s how I operate…with logic. Getting into your feelings with relationships is how people get f*cked up.

                    • miss t-lee

                      *blank stare*
                      Um, ok.

                    • PunchDrunkLove

                      Getting into a relationship with feelings is the premise of getting into relationships. That’s on the opposite end of the get the draws spectrum. Getting into drawers with feelings, well…..umm….eh…that’s where folks get confused.

                      I don’t know when we got into folks smashing and grabbing first and theeen tryna figure things out. That’s why folks stay so twisted up. Keep it in perspective.

              • IcePrincess

                Thank you! U just saved me having to type the same thing to Todd

                • miss t-lee

                  *daps*

              • Val

                Exactly.

      • Savage.

    • miss t-lee

      Yup.

    • Rachmo

      This is what I’m trying to figure out. Why fly him out if you have chex in the Roc?

      • I just typed a similar question to IP. LOL

        • Rachmo

          I mean, I would rather just stick with my local jump off than worry about some stranger I flew out who could rob me blind.

          • The only explanation that makes sense was that PJ was to be the respectable dude that could go to job events, family and other decent human stuff, while the less-than-respectable dude could dig that back out. That’s the only thing that makes sense. Also, PJ being from out of town is a ready made excuse for him not being around all the time.

      • Val

        Welp, she obviously wasn’t feeling PJ or she wouldn’t have left him at her apartment for 4 hours. Plus, they were in their early 20s and that’s the kind of ish people in their early 20s would do.

        • panamajackson

          Yep. I definitely had some “f*ck this” moments. And I’m not proud of this, but I definitely left a chick in my car before who showed up at my house unawares from out of town. Because that also happened.

          • Epsilonicus

            My homeboy brought a chick to my Labor Day cookout and left her in the car for an hour. i did not know she was in the car until I tried to get in it to grab some alcohol out the car and she almost freaked out.

            • camilleblu

              you need better friends

              • Epsilonicus

                My friends are awesome!!

                • camilleblu

                  -_-

                  • Epsilonicus

                    FWB get the FWB treatment. Not how I operate but I understand #levels

            • but why??

              • Epsilonicus

                Look. If I tell someone we headed to a cookout and I get out the car and they dont, I dont ask any questions. I am getting my plate. They on their own.

                • idk. Women I don’t want around my family and friends would never voluntarily be within 5 miles of them so I can’t get bringing a woman to a cook out but keeping her in the car.

                  • Epsilonicus

                    Its a cookout. Not even a family cookout. Just friends drinking and ish

            • LadyIbaka

              *crying*!!

          • Rachmo

            That is super scary.

            • panamajackson

              You have no idea.

          • LMNOP

            So basically, this was karma catching up to you.

    • Pretty much, Peej was about to be her long distance bae who could cape up and save her while she got that work from Big L who certainly ain’t ever left his “hood” in Rochester. Plenty of people here, looking for love online while getting their back blown out by an ain’t sh t local. Deez are the breaks

    • panamajackson

      LOL. This is also entirely possible. Who knows.

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