These Are The Tales, The PJ Tales, Part II » VSB

Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Theory & Essay

These Are The Tales, The PJ Tales, Part II

photo (3)Earlier, I intro’d the story of Jackie, a young Spelmanite who I’d found myself enamored with without ever having uttered much of a word to her. At all. But that’s pretty much standard fare for most guys at some point who have determined they have something to lose in life. Many, many people have stories of a love interest they never knew.

My story of Jackie, though, has some EPIC fumbles on the part of one Panama Jackson. That’s me. Two in particular for which I can do nothing but hang my head in shame at the missed opportunity due to my attempts to be SOOO cool in the situation that I OVER fcuked the dog. Speaking of f*cking the dog, did you all see that video of the cat that came the rescue of the little boy by going Terry Tate on the dog? It’s awesome.

Anyway…let’s delve back in.

So, during the course of what was my sophomore year (her freshman year) we of course saw one another a million times throughout the Atlanta University Center (AUC). I’d see her randomly at the library or on our infamous strip that runs through Clark Atlanta’s campus. Or on Spelman’s campus. We’d always lock eyes for at least a second. Always. Almost as if she was just WAITING for me to TAKE a chance. I never did. In fact, if I was her, I’d have thought I was a simp. Which given this story, is accurate. But it got taken to a NEW Celtics in ’86 level one fine Saturday in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Yes, Chattanooga, Tennessee.

My best friend, the one who passed away, was originally from Chickamauga, Georgia, a small town right outside of Chat-town. So many summers were spent at his grandparents farm. They were kind of a big deal…actually not even kind of, they WERE a big deal there. I could tell you their names and you could google them and be amazed. But I shan’t. Because personal.

Anyway, he moved back there to pursue some rapper aspirations because instead of going to Atlanta like everybody else, he figured he’d make it coming out of Chattanooga. Needless to say, that did not pan out. Bad decisions, thy name he praised. Well, one summer (I’m thinking this is between my junior and senior year) I go up to visit one weekend and we decide to head to Hamilton Place Mall. It’s a pretty nice mall as far as malls go and back then at age 20, where else do you to scheme on women? The mall.

And yes, you know exactly where this is going.

So we walk through the mall. I even remember what I had on this day. I had on a flaming red Da*Linkwent tshirt, some gray sweat pants with the pockets and all that jazz, and the silver Tim Duncan foams. Needless to say, in Chattanooga, Tennakey, in 2000…I stood out. Oh, and at this time, I had hair like Krazy Bone. Yes, I used to have hair and it was fabulous.

So we’re walking through the mall and WHO (but who) do I see walking towards me looking like a bag of money and lugging ALL of the toys Santa Claus has ever made at the North Pole?

Jackie.

She stopped DEAD in her tracks when she saw me. I had already lost all of my sh*t.

We look at each other and she kept walking towards me. I stop her (see I did speak finally) to say the only thing I could think of.

“Excuse me, you look familiar…do you go to Spelman?” (OF COURSE SHE GOES TO SPELMAN YOU’VE BEEN STALKING HER FOR TWO YEARS…WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?)

Her: “Yeah…I do. Do you go to Morehouse?” (Aww she played it cool…I might be in love)

Me: “I sure do! You’re a cheerleader right?” (N*gga you know she’s a cheerleader but at least she’s playing along…this is going well…)

Her: “I am…are you from here?????”

Me: “I’m not. I’m up visiting my brother who lives here….

And this is where, I, Panama Dontavious Jackson of the Atlanta Dontavious Jacksons, pulled THE most ridiculous sh*t known to man in the history of evolution.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Me: “Well nice to see you..take care!”

Walks off.

As I walked off, she just stood there standing, dumbfounded. My brother had the total sh*t face.

I didn’t even ask her what her name was, b. (I already knew it but that’s neither here nor there).

She was lugging the biggest bags in history…I could have asked her if she needed help carrying them to her car and prolonged the convo and parlayed that into exchanging information or at least a “look for me in the fall.” Something.

Anything.

My brother, after a few minutes, said, “P, you my man, and I love you…but I’ve never seen a person f*ck up a green light like you just f*cked it up. I mean that was IMPRESSIVELY bad how hard you fumbled. She was talking. She was smiling. She’s bad as hell. And she was RIGHT THERE. And you f*cked that one ALL up. Bro, you disappointed me today.”

He just shook his head and kept telling me how dumb I was.

And dumb I was…soooo dumb….

Bu-bu-bu-but wait it gets worse…there’s more….

Part III will be the ultimate icing on the cake. PJ’s Immaculate Fumble with Jackie has not reached its conclusion.

Le sigh.

-VSB P

 

Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly (and gorgeous) for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. He refuses to eat cocaine chicken. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future. You can hit him on his hitter at panamadjackson@gmail.com.

  • IcePrincess

    Hey, P-body, could u free my comment to @sandpaper in part 1 real quick? Gracias amigo

    • panamajackson

      done. and done.

  • CrayolaGirl

    I’m getting frustrated for her just reading this…oh, Panama.

    • panamajackson

      Yeah…I know.

  • LMNOP

    Aw, the awkwardness of young lust…

    I bet if you weren’t so obsessed with her you wouldn’t have fumbled so much.

    • panamajackson

      I agree. Wholeheartedly.

      Until you get part 3 which disproves that theory. lol.

      • LMNOP

        The suspense is building…

  • Yet somehow, I was encouraging $exual assault when I advised a woman to just go straight for the D. That ish was way too ambiguous. Why risk a court case because she just wanted to get a man in jail out of boredom? You did the right thing man. And if she wanted it, she should have just hopped on.

    • LMNOP

      I get that it was a joke, but it’s a loaded joke. Men being $exually assaulted is pretty regularly dismissed as not that serious or as every man’s (and boy’s) dream. And that’s fvcked up. And I KNOW you know this.

      • Very true. I just prefer that women be more aggressive in showing their intentions. What PJ’s crush did was way, way, WAY too ambiguous.

        • towninc

          can you give an example of what’s a girl to do between way way WAY too ambiguous and jumping on him? I’m lost I thought she was giving him signs by smiling and talking.

          • T.Q. Fuego

            She played it perfectly. Don’t pay Todd no mind lol

            • What is your fear of aggressive women dog? We need to talk. Aggressive women are the best. :)

              • T.Q. Fuego

                No fear, just disgust. What’s up wit your need for aggressive women? U can’t pull em otherwise?
                I aim high. The women I go for have no need to be aggressive. I don’t need them to be either. Step ya game up playa :)

                • I can pull them otherwise. I just prefer a strong return on my efforts. Gimme a reason to even bother. Positive reinforcement is my friend. I love enthusiastic consent, and the more enthusiasm, the better. I shouldn’t have to pull as much as confirm what you already want to do. Otherwise, I’d rather go watch pr0n.

                  • towninc

                    Your method works if both just want chex, but what if she is interested in getting to know you, seeing what you are about, hanging out with you? Her reaction wouldn’t be to jump on you

                    • LMNOP

                      Right. Clearly Todd needs to get laid, right now.

                      But that’s not where every one’s at. Sometimes getting to know people as, you know, people is important too.

                    • I do admit that I’m more comfortable getting to know someone if their brain is bathed in oxytocin and dopamine. Still, lay out your desires on the table. Though apparently, I’m being a touch extra by saying that. Do I come off like this super strong aggressive $ex fiend or something?

                    • towninc

                      yes or a 15 year old boy lol

                    • I’m 34 for goodness sake. This is how I’ve lived, and I have gotten laid like this. It seems to work, though my life is far from perfect. You too can live like this if you wish.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      I agree with you Todd.

                      I have been out on dates with women strictly because they asked me. They approached, said they were interested, and wanted to go on a date and know more. We had great convo and vibed well. I was impressed because they approached. It was not thirsty or anything. It was genuine and I was very impressed because it happened so few times. It gave them a leg up on other women.

                      I don’t see how that is too much to ask. If women are interested in a guy, why not ask him out? Why not openly show you are interested? To me you are not really interested in finding someone if you are going to wait and hope the right one approach. My grandmother always said closed mouths don’t get fed. If you want something, go out there work for it and get it.

                    • I will give you a G-rated example of what I mean from something that happened recently. I was talking to this woman I met through OKCupid, and we were vibing pretty well. She mentioned that she was headed out to Long Island for a wedding, told me it was a shame she hadn’t met me yet, and then asked if it would be ghetto if we met up before the wedding. I said sure it would be, but I still want to meet. We ended up having a lovely date before I dropped her off at the wedding.

                      See? Aggression isn’t necessarily about $ex…though it helps.

                  • @Mr. Todd:
                    Note all the twisting in the rhetorical wind these folks are doing in reply to your simply laidout positions; it is all the evidence anyone needs to knw as to how serious they are when it comes to true gender equality and questioning of outmoded gender norms — they’re NOT.

                    “Enthusiastic Consent” was, from the get go, a ruse, designed to screen out undesirable guys and clear a lane for the desirable ones, draped in thedrag of moral authority, legalese and PC-addled conventions. It was never designed to truly “empower” Women to take full responsibility for their s*x lives. Glad so see I’m not the only one who can see this farce for what it is, and to put it on blast.

                    O.

          • Well, homegirl could have just been milking his attraction to get someone to carry her bags around while shopping, then back to the car. She could have been even trying to hit him for that paper. He had no idea of her intentions, and a lot of them would have been manipulative. Jumping on him would have been clear and obvious.

            • towninc

              sigh…i was looking for real examples. Aint nobody about to go through all that just to get a guy to carry bags to her car.

              • I had someone try to use their attention towards me for $20. Sadly, I’m not joking.

            • CrayolaGirl

              She couldn’t make her intentions clear because he walked off. Manipulation? Umm, no

            • panamajackson

              Kind of a fatalistic view ain’t it tho? LIke that could be the case with any person. With that in mind, we should only wait for women to approach and make their intentions clear. Sh*t, how would anybody end up together that way?

              • Fatalistic? That’s just real talk. From my mom to other women I’ve dealt with, they will play that female card for all they can. It’s like that Money Mayweather fight: protect yourself at all times. If they aren’t willing to deal with that, there’s always the products of the adult entertainment and novelty industry.

                • @Mr. Todd:
                  Cosigned 100%.

                  WHY is it whenever these kind of discussions come up, the default assumption is that Women always have “pure” intentions? While at the same time, we also presume that Men do not, as their “default” setting? Is this NOT White Knighting, in Extremis?

                  Panama’s defence of these behaviors is not helpful to the many Brothas who come here daily.

                  O.

                  • panamajackson

                    Come off it. lol. Not helpful? You both are acting like we have it oh so hard out here. Hell, 90 percent of what you say Obsidian seems to indicate to me that women should absolutely wait on a dude to try to holler to as not to waste her time thinking she has any shot in the marketplace of love.

                    You want a level playing field or want women to be more upfront so we don’t have to do any work? Which is it? We’re worried about men’s vulnerability? Like why exactly do women need to step up? They get to protect themselves but we don’t?

                    Come on, Todd. You don’t seem to struggle with getting women so why would that even be your mentality? And if a woman says that men should step up and do the work…your retort is that we always have been so now its your turn? Like whats the end goal here?

                  • panamajackson

                    Come off it. lol. Not helpful? You both are acting like we have it oh so hard out here. Hell, 90 percent of what you say Obsidian seems to indicate to me that women should absolutely wait on a dude to try to holler to as not to waste her time thinking she has any shot in the marketplace of love.

                    You want a level playing field or want women to be more upfront so we don’t have to do any work? Which is it? We’re worried about men’s vulnerability? Like why exactly do women need to step up? They get to protect themselves but we don’t?

                    Come on, Todd. You don’t seem to struggle with getting women so why would that even be your mentality? And if a woman says that men should step up and do the work…your retort is that we always have been so now its your turn? Like whats the end goal here?

                    • @Panama:
                      “Come off it. lol. Not helpful? You both are acting like we have it oh so hard out here.”

                      O: Uh, yaaaasssss. I thought you were closely reading my writings, Panama? If so, then I really shouldn’t have to layout to you how and why I take the position I do. But in case you’ve been fibbing a bit, that’s OK – head on over to Just Four Guys and type “Tyrone” into the search engine. There you will see an entire series of pieces I’ve written which lays out exactly how hard Tyrone has it out there in our time. It’s real, and I am so very thankful to be a channel through which this side of the debate is finally getting its Day in the Sun.

                      “Hell, 90 percent of what you say Obsidian seems to indicate to me that women should absolutely wait on a dude to try to holler to as not to waste her time thinking she has any shot in the marketplace of love.”

                      O: ??? OK, now I know you haven’t been reading a blessed thing I’ve written. Please point out to me exactly where I’ve said any such thing? I’ll wait…

                      “You want a level playing field or want women to be more upfront so we don’t have to do any work? Which is it? We’re worried about men’s vulnerability? Like why exactly do women need to step up? They get to protect themselves but we don’t?”

                      O: As I said to Mr. Nomada Nare the other night – Because, JUSTICE. They (read: the American Sistahood) doesn’t get to play fast and loose with “social justice” and cherry pick those elements of our Brave New World they want, and then code switch back to the Mad Men era when it comes to mating (for SOME Brothas; remember, the Black equivalent of Don Draper doesn’t have to worry about it). I want consistency of standards, clear rules of engagement, and yes, stiff penalties for offenders. Doing this truly does level the playing field and makes things a more Perfect Union for All.

                      “Come on, Todd. You don’t seem to struggle with getting women so why would that even be your mentality?”

                      O: Because, JUSTICE? I’m just asking…

                      “And if a woman says that men should step up and do the work…your retort is that we always have been so now its your turn? Like whats the end goal here?”

                      O: See above…

                      O.

            • LMNOP

              If Panama had just carried bags around and talked to a pretty girl at the mall for an hour and that was it, he probably wouldn’t be looking back on it years later thinking “man, I really effed that up.” Carrying bags at the mall is really not that serious that women are drawing up elaborate schemes to trick men into carrying bags for them.

              • @Ms. LMNOP:
                Your statement presumes that Women do not engage in deception in dating because it is not worth it for them to do so. Is this your position, or no? I ust wanted to ask first before proceeding further. Thanks!

                O.

          • esa

            this is my area of expertise ~*~ here’s how i will roll when i see the man that i want ..

            first level: getting him in conversation (opening lines can be anything, general to specific. i once said, “you have the cutest ears” and i meant it. he was all, “how did you notice my ears” and i told him he had little ears like me. then we compared em. ice breaker fa sho. the key to opening lines is good vibes and courage.)

            next level: asking for digits. making the call. asking the dude out. texting first. texting first again. ohmagosh i am giggling. at first ima say, it triggers my insecurities like a muhhfukkaaa. it kills. it burrrrrrnnsssss. but. if the option is get mine or not, there is no option at all ~*~

            also i always been this way. rejection was like a regular thang for a really long (formative) time, thus insecurities but also a certain fearlessness/ftw attitude. add to that i dont like being pursued as a general rule. but. i am not saying do all this your first time out the gate. it wont read as authentic. start with whatever you feel is natural. you can be completely feminine doing any and all of it, if it comes from your heart ~*~

        • panamajackson

          I can’t tell if you’re serious or not…That wasn’t ambiguous at all in my opinion. If it was then I didn’t fumble.

          • I’m being deadly serious here. If she wanted it, she could have said so.

            • panamajackson

              See, where I disagree is that I think it’s the man’s job to do the hard work early on. Show the interest. She gave me the necessary cues. I just wet the bed with them. Or was too afraid to go for it. Like why does she have to be the one to put herself all the way out there. Granted, diff strokes for diff folks, but I think she did everything she needed to.

              • @Panama:
                Why? Because it is the 21st century and Sistas are strong and independent and progressive – that’s why. In truth however, what they want is to do Progressivism a la carte, where they impose costs on Certain Brothas, and give Discounted Bennies to others.

                Hmm…

                O.

                • panamajackson

                  It’s part of the game bro. And based on the stuff you talk, it makes total sense. Women’s value seems to depreciate faster than driving an Audi off the lot to you. I don’t see a single thing wrong with a man doing the work of approaching. If she lobs you a sign, and you take it, then we all win.

                  Y’all just sound lazy.

                  • @Panama:
                    “It’s part of the game bro. And based on the stuff you talk, it makes total sense.”

                    O: Really? I didn’t know you were reading “the stuff I talk” that closely, if at all – I’m impressed!

                    “Women’s value seems to depreciate faster than driving an Audi off the lot to you.”

                    O: And…? What does a Woman’s SMV have to do with approaching Men and carrying half(!) the weight of the mating dance as it has been proposed to be reimagined in 21st century American life? Please explain?

                    “I don’t see a single thing wrong with a man doing the work of approaching. If she lobs you a sign, and you take it, then we all win.”

                    O: We live in an uncertain social world, where (Black) Women and often will lob false IOIs (Indicators Of Interest) for a whole variety of reasons, only a few of which Mr. Todd has explained (keep in mind, he cited a personal experience along these lines). So, there’s that.

                    But there’s also the fact that many (Black) Women will “lob” deliberately ambiguous “signs” so as to claim Plausible Deniability, in case things for some reason go south. And here again we see yet another pretty lie bites the dust – THAT REJECTION HURTS. Which is why (Black) Women avoid doing ANY open and unmistakenly overt moves*.

                    *Of course, all bets are off if and when Mr. Big steps on the set, and please do not attempt to debate me on this you can and will lose, badly. (Black) Women must be honest about this so we can stop the lies that swirl (pardon the pun) around these issues. They must, at the last, take full and complete personal responsibility here; nothing less, will be acceptable.

                    “Y’all just sound lazy.”

                    O: LOL, no. Just mad efficient.

                    This is fun – more, please!

                    ;)

                    O.

                  • nillalatte

                    OMG, D.E.A.D. @ Audi metaphor …

              • shalonda282

                Yes, snaps to the words you speak.

            • towninc

              She didn’t know him well enough to say she wanted “it”

              • @Ms. Towninc:
                Bunk.

                Black Women have been well documented to go after whom they want and it doesn’t take an eternity and a small fortune on the part of the hapless sap in order to make it happen either. I remind the lady, that Black Women, taken together as a group have the highest STD infection raates of any group of Women in the country.

                O.

  • Rachmo

    Panama this has gone from awwww to…n*gga….

    • panamajackson

      tell me about it…

    • NomadaNare

      Just… n*gga…

    • Mrs.HarveySpector

      Couldn’t have said it better.

  • menajeanmaehightower

    This isn’t even TPain’s “I’m Sprung.” This is an entirely new level!!

    • CrayolaGirl

      Exactly! Nice seeing you and walking off– say what now?!

    • panamajackson

      LOL. I am #blackexcellence

  • Detroit Skater

    only second time commenting although i read daily……

    dude! fo’ real!!!!

    • panamajackson

      I know. lol.

  • BeautifullyHuman

    This story is utterly hilarious! I just literally laughed out loud and my coworkers want to know what I’m laughing at. Lmao.

    Yeah, that was definitely an epic fail. Although I find it funny, I do feel bad for a young Panama. Smh

    You live and you learn. You were young…it happens. I’m sure she was flattered by how smitten and awkward you were. Lol

    • menajeanmaehightower

      Where have you been?

      • BeautifullyHuman

        Girl, work is relentless. I was telling Nilla the other day that my new not so new job doesn’t permit too much play time.

        Lately, I’ve been able to sneak some in, but I know this will be short-lived. :-(

        • menajeanmaehightower

          Tell them to leave you be.

          • BeautifullyHuman

            I would if living in a tent community and panhandling was an option. Lol

    • panamajackson

      Maybe she was. But yeah…epic failure. I did that.

  • PunchDrunkLove

    Hilarious…didn’t read part one

    • panamajackson

      You should! This was more entertaining though. Part III will be the coup de grace.

      • PunchDrunkLove

        I will definitely go back and read. I laughed while reading through part two.

  • nillalatte

    You put that on a pedestal and screwed up, huh? LMAO… men.

    • panamajackson

      Men, indeed.

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