There’s A Rapper Named “Slim Jesus” And He’s A White Chief Keef And I Have SO MANY QUESTIONS » VSB

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There’s A Rapper Named “Slim Jesus” And He’s A White Chief Keef And I Have SO MANY QUESTIONS

YouTube screenshot

 

1. I’ve had a lot of fun recently writing those “leaked” emails. One because it allows me to be a gotdamn fool. And I appreciate and revel in opportunities to be a gotdamn fool. But also because there’s always a few people not quite sure if they’re real or not. Which boggles my mind because they’re so over the top that the satire seems obvious. (Too obvious, even.) But apparently, it’s not.

But now, after watching Slim Jesus’s video for “Drill Time” — I get it.

Because I’ve watched it three times now. And I’m still not sure if it’s satire. I mean, I know in my brain and shit that Slim Jesus is a real person with a real song and a real video attempting to have a real rap career. But the part of my brain that recognizes satire is telling the other part of my brain “Nah, nigga. This shit aint real.

2. Does it really count as cultural appropriation if you want them to steal the shit that’s stolen? If some thieves break into my house and steal all the garbage, every shirt I’ve been meaning to take to the Goodwill, and all the unopened bottles of Arbor Mist Arborita given to us at game nights, I’m not calling the cops. I’m leaving a Post-It on my door asking “Is there anything else you want?” And, like bad credit, Ben Carson, and crack, drill rap is one of those things White people can have if they want.

3. The dude at the 0:37 second mark is trying his damnedest not to laugh. And the dude in the background at the 0:44 second mark looks like he just dropped his phone and can’t find it. Which makes me believe those aren’t actually Slim Jesus’s boys in the video with him, but hired models from a Wilhelmina office in Akron.

4. “Slim Jesus” is a redundant name. Because Jesus was slim. It’s like calling yourself “Jew Jesus.” Or “Jesus With Hair.” Or “Jesus With A Bunch Of Unemployed Friends.”

“White Jesus” would have been much more appropriate. Or perhaps “Kill It With Fire.”

5. Where do you think they went to eat after this video was filmed? My first guess is Arby’s. This totally looks like a Corned Beef ‘n Cheese Slider crew. But I can also see Slim Jesus’s mom being really proud of them for finally finishing the video, and treating them all to Friday’s. Or maybe even some home-cooked slow roasted chicken and dumplings. 

6. You remember when Chris Rock said (paraphrasing) a father’s only goal in life is to keep his daughter off the (stripper) pole? Well, if I ever have a son, my only goal will be to keep him from being the Black kid in the background of a Slim Jesus video.

7. If this video and this song and this guy is your “Man, fuck this shit” point — the moment your decades-long relationship with rap music finally ends — I get it. You fought the good fight. Happy trails and safe travels.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • 1. Tommy from Power has bars, huh?
    2. Y’all wanted school integration. This is the result.
    3. This is still better than Lil B.
    4. The dude in the photo up top with the twists looks like 95% of the defensive linemen in the SEC.

    • Epsilonicus

      1. I thought the same thing. I am like Tommy, get your son. He not built for this.
      3. Truuuuue
      4. Let the SEC shade begin!!!

      • Hey I’m pro SEC on stupid levels but I’m saying.

        • Epsilonicus

          Folks saying it may be Bama and OSU for the title. Thoughts?

          • To early to tell. OSU has a cake schedule but the Tide’s qb situation is iffy.

            • When isn’t Bama’s QB situation iffy? Saban doesn’t trust any of them.

              • Saban comes off rather joyless and he’s a BIG 10 guy at his heart so he’s all three yards and a cloud of dust type. Was it you that posted the meme that said Saban always looks like his card has been declined?

            • Why don’t 5 Star high school QBs go to Alabama?

              • Brass Tacks

                Alabama doesnt throw the ball like they do on the West Coast. PAC 10 teams: Stanford, USC, UCLA, Oregon etc. tend to collect the most highly touted QBs.

                • Stanford’s offense is basically the same as an SEC school. A lot of the time they pound the ball and take shots when they must. Remember that Luck’s numbers weren’t crazy just efficient.

                  • Brass Tacks

                    Honestly, I didnt care for Luck much. Honestly, I still dont. I was team Cam all day.

                    (Although, I must admit that whole Florida/Auburn thing still burns my soul.)

              • Epsilonicus

                Alabama built on defense and running game

              • Because they know Nick Saban doesn’t trust them to run the game. He hates QBs

              • I heard Saban, Spurrier, and Les Miles assert that top level QB talent don’t go to SEC schools because they don’t want to get clobbered every weekend. I think Matthew Stafford was the last big time guy who went to one of those schools.

                More specifically with Bama I think Nick forces his o-coordinators to take their foot off the gas at certain parts of the game.

                • Brass Tacks

                  You mentioned Stafford…We Cool

          • Brass Tacks

            OSU looks legit. Im not sold on Bama as of yet. Their QB situation is just as suspect as UGA’s.

          • ROLL DAMB TIDEEEE

      • Sigma_Since 93

        At least Tommy has decent skills. Some traits are not passed from father to son…………..

        If this is the case, young J can be a part of Steeler Nation!

    • YeaSoh

      dead @ school integration… lmao

    • Cha Cha Slidivan

      I thought about Tommy too!

    • miss t-lee

      “2. Y’all wanted school integration. This is the result.”

      SH*T.

    • ROLL DAMB TIDE!!!!

  • Mika

    I am going to google this as soon as my co-worker walks out of my office. I shall be back. because, I need to understand this fully.

  • Juwan Dickerson

    This might go hard on my gym playlist tho!

  • cakes_and_pies

    I paused my Fela Kuti for this to ask a few question
    That disclaimer at 0:17-lol wut?
    We’re savages know? Ok
    Is he being held hostage to take this video? There is absolutely no engagement with his boys. Did he even blink? His eyes look like ‘help me’
    2:21-He doesn’t even know his own lyrics
    Gangsta with fake guns and pretending to smoke a cigarillo? Is he like 12?
    Why does SJ look like he covered in shimmery baby powder?

    • miss t-lee

      I also wondered if he blinked.

    • FILTHIER

      FYI my daughter has those same earrings. They are 3.99 at Forever 21.

      • cakes_and_pies

        “Shine bright like piece of cut glass, back with aluminum.”

  • miss t-lee

    Real gangstas don’t do disclaimers.
    If hip-hop survived Vanilla Ice, Slim Jesus is light work.
    Dewey from Malcolm In The Middle done growed up and became a wack rapper.
    Back to this dancehall mix I was jamming.

    • Sylqué

      His mom made him add that in or she wouldn’t have let them upload it.

      • Real talk these dudes are all in the A.V. club at their magnet school.

      • miss t-lee

        *cackling*

    • *airhorns*

      • miss t-lee

        You know.

    • I thought Dewey grew up to be Johnny Manziel?

      • miss t-lee

        LMAO

    • Epsilonicus

      You kinda do gotta do disclaimers bc ain’t the feds using rap music as evidence?

      • Again, free Bobby Shmurda

        • Epsilonicus

          Boutta week ago!!

      • miss t-lee

        Shout out to Bobby Shmurda.

        Wait, who are we kidding, actual gangsters ain’t filming rap videos.

        • Instagram SuperModel

          They out thuggin not dreaming and calling Jesus slim.

      • Not when you have the right complexion for the protection

        • Epsilonicus

          True story

      • That’s legit though. The feds is watching.

    • These dudes parents are probably a mix of city officials, teachers, and law enforcement.

      • miss t-lee

        I believe it.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “Dewey from Malcolm In The Middle done growed up and became a wack rapper.”

      This had me doubled over in laughter. The resemblance is almost spot on.

      • miss t-lee

        *curtsies*

      • KayMac

        Real. Damn. Tears….

    • Royale W. Cheese

      This guy makes Vanilla Ice look really good to be honest.

      • miss t-lee

        Indeed.

      • Oh wait, are we pretending Vanilla Ice wasn’t everything for that hot minute? We don’t know the words to Ice Ice Baby? This isn’t Vanilla. This is Iggy. Iggy Vanilla…Iggy Vanilla Sparxxx.

    • Careful she bites

      yaaaassssssss! like really? you doing a disclaimer at the beginning of your song full of illegal references to tell us that all your illegal references and representations are “props”? tf? he looks like he’s reading the lyrics off a teleprompter. this is bad. this is real bad.

      • miss t-lee

        Hideously bad.

    • “Real gangstas don’t do disclaimer.” You just made me miss Riley. And that makes me miss the Boondocks. And that makes me mad about that final season. And now I’m just sad and mad. Thanks.

  • Something about those eyes are spooky:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYzXoIF1JjE

    • Tammy Jenkins

      Saw the clip and I said the same thing . He has the look of a school shooter.

    • Deeds

      I was thinking of this Dave Chapelle bit while watching that music video.

  • LEE007

    Number five has me crying here!! I can actually visualize the entire scene…LMAO

  • Free Bobby Shmurda

    • h.h.h.

      let all of my dawgs out

  • I feel like there should be an aspiring rapper bingo, this has all the elements. Non rapping home boys, miscellaneous cash shots, gun to the camera, a line about girls on molly, awkward camera angles, only thing missing was the shot of the exact street sign

    • FILTHIER

      I’m annoyed someone degranola’d this boy. He had an aspiring future as a Whole Foods Hipster but he veered off the road somewhere into this.

  • YeaSoh

    “White Jesus” would have been much more appropriate.

    I see what you did there.

    • YeaSoh

      Oh I got it… Money Talks!!!! I see you Slim Jesus!!

      • Instagram SuperModel

        Lmao!!

    • Lauron Thomas

      that had me dying. One of my fav comments today

    • miss t-lee

      Answer the phone when money calls.

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