There’s A Rapper Named “Slim Jesus” And He’s A White Chief Keef And I Have SO MANY QUESTIONS
1. I’ve had a lot of fun recently writing those “leaked” emails. One because it allows me to be a gotdamn fool. And I appreciate and revel in opportunities to be a gotdamn fool. But also because there’s always a few people not quite sure if they’re real or not. Which boggles my mind because they’re so over the top that the satire seems obvious. (Too obvious, even.) But apparently, it’s not.
But now, after watching Slim Jesus’s video for “Drill Time” — I get it.
Because I’ve watched it three times now. And I’m still not sure if it’s satire. I mean, I know in my brain and shit that Slim Jesus is a real person with a real song and a real video attempting to have a real rap career. But the part of my brain that recognizes satire is telling the other part of my brain “Nah, nigga. This shit aint real.”
2. Does it really count as cultural appropriation if you want them to steal the shit that’s stolen? If some thieves break into my house and steal all the garbage, every shirt I’ve been meaning to take to the Goodwill, and all the unopened bottles of Arbor Mist Arborita given to us at game nights, I’m not calling the cops. I’m leaving a Post-It on my door asking “Is there anything else you want?” And, like bad credit, Ben Carson, and crack, drill rap is one of those things White people can have if they want.
3. The dude at the 0:37 second mark is trying his damnedest not to laugh. And the dude in the background at the 0:44 second mark looks like he just dropped his phone and can’t find it. Which makes me believe those aren’t actually Slim Jesus’s boys in the video with him, but hired models from a Wilhelmina office in Akron.
4. “Slim Jesus” is a redundant name. Because Jesus was slim. It’s like calling yourself “Jew Jesus.” Or “Jesus With Hair.” Or “Jesus With A Bunch Of Unemployed Friends.”
“White Jesus” would have been much more appropriate. Or perhaps “Kill It With Fire.”
5. Where do you think they went to eat after this video was filmed? My first guess is Arby’s. This totally looks like a Corned Beef ‘n Cheese Slider crew. But I can also see Slim Jesus’s mom being really proud of them for finally finishing the video, and treating them all to Friday’s. Or maybe even some home-cooked slow roasted chicken and dumplings.
6. You remember when Chris Rock said (paraphrasing) a father’s only goal in life is to keep his daughter off the (stripper) pole? Well, if I ever have a son, my only goal will be to keep him from being the Black kid in the background of a Slim Jesus video.
7. If this video and this song and this guy is your “Man, fuck this shit” point — the moment your decades-long relationship with rap music finally ends — I get it. You fought the good fight. Happy trails and safe travels.