Theory & Essay

The World’s Worst Kept Secret: Grown Men Can’t Make New Friends

Film Title: I Love You, Man I drove down to D.C. one weekend last September for a friend’s birthday weekend. He was turning 30. And, since most of his friends were either BBP (Bougie Black People) or BBPFWAH (Bougie Black Person Friendly Whites and Hispanics) his girlfriend—who organized the entire thing—had us all meet at a brunch spot on Saturday to surprise him.

He definitely appreciated the surprise. So much so that after we finished eating, he stood up, went down the line, and gave each of the 30 or so people there an individualized thank you acknowledgement. After the acknowledgements, he said a couple words about how it felt to be 30, and ended with this joke:

“I’m 30 now, which means I’m officially done making new friends.”

Everyone laughed. But, the men laughed a bit harder than the women did. Well, it seemed like we did. Maybe it was all in my head. Perhaps I was just looking for evidence to confirm something I’ve always thought and personally experienced: It is very, very, very rare men to make new friends. 

Now, I realize that my experiences are, well, my experiences. As much as I attempt to, I know I cannot speak for every man. I also can not speak for every (or any) woman. But, it seems like women have a much easier go of it than we do. I know this is anecdotal, but most of the women I know have both “old” girls—childhood, high school, college friends, etc—and “new” girls—work friends, line sisters, women they met after moving to a new city, etc—and both the old and new friends are held in the same esteem.

On the other hand, we seem to have one category for “friends”—with a couple exceptions, this is mostly comprised of people from our childhoods, high schools, and colleges—and another for “n*ggas we’re cool with” (NWCWs)—a category split into two parts:

1. Dudes we met through other people

Every guy who became cool with a dude because his girlfriend and the dude’s girlfriend were good friends is nodding his head.

2. Dudes we met while doing other things

Basically, all the dudes you see on a regular basis while playing basketball or ***insert any other manly activity***

Now, NWCW are cool if you need simple social lubricants like wingmen and people to help you move. These are also the type of people you’d invite to a summer BBQ or attempt to introduce to your girlfriend’s perpetually single homegirl. Most men have at least a somewhat reliable cache of NWCW—some as little as three or four, others as many as 50—and, for an outsider (and by “an outsider” I mean “women”) this cache may make it seem like most men have more friends than we actually do. But, while we may enjoy spending time around these guys and genuinely like them, they very, very, very rarely have their statuses upgraded from NWCW to actual friends.

There are a few possible reasons for this—i.e.: the older you get, the more the need for new friends decreases—but the more I think about it, the more I think it comes down to one simple thing: Men just don’t trust other men.

(Interestingly enough, women are regarded as the ones who have trust issues with other women, but you could argue that men seem to trust each other even less!)

Sure, there is a certain bro/man code that men are supposed to follow, and most men do adhere by this. This does involve a certain level of trust. But, the man code mainly deals with peripheral level shit, and this “trust” is really the knowledge that breaking the code could result in an ass-kicking, not a deeper bromatic connection.

When it comes to serious shit, though—subjects, thoughts, and emotions that men hold dear to them—you find that for most men, the NWCW gaggle is narrowed down to three or four cats. Sometimes even less.

Admittedly, much of this is ego-driven. For instance, I’ve witnessed women meet a new woman while at a happy hour or club and think nothing of exchanging phone numbers or seeing if she wanted to hang out or go to a wrestling match or attend an adult sleepover or whatever. This seems to happen all the f*cking time.

On the other hand, if you were to substitute men for women in that same situation, the following would happen.

Man #1, while standing near the bar and noticing a curvy woman walk past: “Damn!”

Man #2, while standing next to man #1: “I need to start coming to more of these mixers.”

#1: “Haha.”

#2: “Word.”

#2 extends hand: “Hey, what’s your name, man?”

#1: “#1. Yours?”

#2: “#2.”

#1: “Cool.”

***Three minutes pass with no more conversation***

#1: “Aiight man.”

#2: “Peace.”

Now, either man in that situation could have taken the conversation further. I mean, they both were at the same mixer and both shared an appreciation for fat asses, so you know they had some things in common. But, if either man would have pushed the envelope in trying to get to know the other guy better, he probably would have been met by some gentle skepticism. Basically, the other guy would likely think he was (at best) “kinda weird” or (at worse) “possibly gay,” (nttawwt) and both of these thoughts are the result of men just always having our guards up when interacting with other men.

Sometimes we don’t even actually want the guards to be up. We realize how unnatural it feels to always be so cynical of another man’s motives, but we’ve been doing it for so long that it’s muscle memory.

(These guards don’t apply for our interactions with women, though, which is why—well, one of the reasons why—you’re more likely to see grown men make a new female acquaintance/friend than a male acquaintance/friend.)

Ironically, this 30th birthday party was for a guy who’s one of my few exceptions to this rule. I’ve known him for three or four years—basically, I met him as a grown up—but I thought enough of him to drive four hours to attend his surprise party. I have no doubt he’d do the same for me. Maybe our situation isn’t as rare as I think it is. I mean, although this theory is based on observation, it’s also based on my own experience, and introverts tend to have less close friends than most others.

And, maybe I’m right. And, maybe the only funny part about being 30 and being done making new friends is that this effed up behavior is normal.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • IcePrincess3

    First, b*tches!!!!!!

    • Marshal

      Fired up on a Sunday night I see……… Did your movie or favorite actor/actress win/lose their Oscar and this is why you’re energized? :-)

      • IcePrincess3

        Lol! Hardly energized boo. Laying in bed half sleep. Didn’t watch the oscars, the only two movies on my radar were django & Argo. I’ll just let Wendy Williams catch me up on everything in the morn. What about u? Did u watch?

        • kid video

          I hate that the little girl didnt win…

        • Marshal

          It was nice, Seth McFarlene was “funny”………in his Family Guy kind of way. I won’t spoil the winners just yet

    • nillalatte

      Well, damn, Ice finally popped her ‘first’ cherry. Congrats Ice! LOL It never really feels the same after that first time doe, just so you know. ;)

      • That Ugly Kid

        I’d pop her cherry alright….

        • IcePrincess3

          Pfffffft! Lil boi, I would pop the hell out YOUR cherry FOH rotfl ;-)

          • Rewind

            All this cherry popping and aint an ice cream bowl in sight, both of yall some lying ass nuckas

          • That Ugly Kid

            Your confidence is cute. You can’t handle alladis.

            @Rewind: She’s gon get some ice CREAM alright. Don’t worry bro…

  • Marshal

    I agree completely with this post, and I’m only 25. I have TWO (2) friends I hold as my Older (26) and Younger Brother (23) outside my Bio-Brothers (15 and 17 respectively). Everybody else is an Assocate or Aquaintances. I can cound on two hands my Close Friends”, and everyone else is on the Assoc/Aquaintance side.

    Masculinity still has remnants of some of the Old Traditional aspects, like having a guard up subconsciously, while much of the other parts- being Emotionally Disconnected to not seem Weak and borderline Homophobic Unconsciously- are systematically being challenged and eroding. I guess it takes events, circumstances and years for us Guys to be “close enough” as Friends (hell, it will be a while beofe I/Most Men can say all of this without using quotations and parentheses and it won’t sound or look crazy or suspicous)

    • Just Me

      But that’s not “traditional”. This “oh em gee, is the next man gay?” stuff is pretty recent. It wasn’t 100yrs ago where straight men would hug and chat each other up in public and be generally publicly affectionate with each other. This recent development in man friendships seems to be totally fear-driven. It’s a shame.

      • Marshal

        I only hug the Friends that like Borthers to me, not High School or College people I “knew”. You give the Dap and G-Hug for them

      • IcePrincess3

        You know what, she’s rite. Idk bout the hugging stuff, but that gay paranoia sh*t is spot on. It’s soooo rediculous. Grow up, men. Then maybe you could meet a new bud.

        • Rewind

          It doesn’t rest solely on men. Women have their part in that paranoia too. Many men can remember an occasion where a woman asked him about another man and said “Is he gay”?..simply because his actions or motives were not like the same man motives and actions she’s used to.

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

            “Women have their part in that paranoia too. Many men can remember an occasion where a woman asked him about another man and said “Is he gay”?..simply because his actions or motives were not like the same man motives and actions she’s used to.”

            ***Nodding head*** women get a pass with their role in continuing homophobia

            • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

              “women get a pass with their role in continuing homophobia” That’s because girl on girl in the adult was never condsidered gay. Women have always been allowed physical contact.

              • Marshal

                Makes you wonder what would have happened if Greece and Rome never fell to Britian and Ireland back in the Early, Early Centuries with their Extreme and Deep Bromance…..

                • Rewind

                  There were many other cultures that still continued the “Bromance” like the Dutch and some Japanese back in older times, but eventually all got phased out.

                  • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

                    The Bromance culture was a stop gap measure because men wanted a virgin and you didn’t want someone else to spoil it for you.

                    • Rewind

                      For some cultures, yes. Other cultures were just mandated to stop or face death.

        • H.H.H.

          i don’t see the problem…man codes have been updated, women codes are different, cie lie vie, bon bons and all that good stuff.

        • Just Me

          RE: hugging:

          If you do research on male friendships, how men interacted with each other and even look at the lives of straight historical male figures, you can see in their letters/photos/etc. that men were, in fact, more affectionate towards each other.

          (Now, we’re talking about white men, primarily. the nuances for black men, especially in a post-slavery America warrant some looking into).

          Regarding women’s role in the paranoia, that’s absolutely true! But when you think about the fact that men generally set the tone for what behavior is appropriate for each gender, you have to wonder, who established that norm so recently?

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        I know what you’re talking about. I think the broader acceptance of gay men and women in society has eliminated those spaces where men can be just men, full stop. While this acceptance is a Good Thing(tm), it did come at the cost of allowing men their separate spaces to be men without the threat of sexuality in the air. On the flip side, there are still some spaces in our society where women are allowed to be “women”, and I think that does create a big difference.

        • SweetSass

          What is really the ‘threat’ of sexuality though?

          If you’re gay, you’re gay.

          If you’re not, you’re not.

          Gayness is not contagious.

          Talking a to gay man will not make you a straight man less straight? So how does a gay man shooting hoops with your friends disallow you from being a man?

          • KENYADIGIT

            For some men being called gay or assumed to be gay is enough to make them avoid the situation. I think a parallel can be drawn to how some women will go to great lengths to avoid being called a slut.

            • SweetSass

              I don’t think women do avoid doing things because by the age of 16 you already know you don’t have to be doing anything for someone to call you out your name.

          • MicTheMessenger

            Because although staight homeboy might not have any qualms with gay homeboy’s sexuality, he’ll be considered possibly gay by association.

            And NO man wants to be viewed as gay by association.

            • SweetSass

              “Gay by association”… I don’t think I’ve heard of anything stupider.

              • MicTheMessenger

                Precisely. But it happens.

              • Marshal

                What rock, solitary confinement or dimension have you been residing in that you’ve Never Heard that before???

                Seriously, you Need More People to cosign that statement

          • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

            I see your point, but you realize that no matter how tolerant people are, how people talk when the potential (if not actually) of sex is on the line is different from when it’s not a possibility. Maybe I muddled the waters by using the term “threat”, and for that I apologize. Still, you do admit that people are likely to act different in the scenarios I mentioned, right?

            • SweetSass

              But even then… in a scenario with a gay man and a straight man… there is no potential chex.

              Unless the ‘straight’ man is actually bi or gay but won’t admit it.

      • Rewind

        I’ll grant that this whole “no homo” era we’ve been in for over a decade is way out of hand, but it’s not helping that certain women call men homos for doing “non-pu-ssy chasing things”…like being polite, or that since the whole metrosexual/tap dancing with balls in your mouth line was made that everyone is just scared to be labeled.

        I don’t understand any of it, I don’t like any of it, but it was caused by multiple factors and it will take mulitple factors to change.

      • http://www.alltherightquestions.com T.Q. Fuego

        “It wasn’t 100yrs ago where straight men would hug and chat each other up in public and be generally publicly affectionate with each other. ”

        Gonna have to disagree here. Adults from my parents’ generation are the first ones to express disgust when grown men are on TV hugging each other, even when it’s not even close to being chexual. This is from people who are generally accepting and not particularly homophobic too. I can’t imagine what the hardcore Bible literalists think about men showing affection. Bottom line, don’t put that on this generation. We learned it from somewhere

        • Lou

          In West Africa it was okay for men to hold hands while walking and talking. Only the elders do it now.

          • T.Q. Fuego

            Yeah I’ve heard about that. I was speaking about here in the U.S. but along with what u said homophobia is very much alive and well in West Africa now, not sure if it was always like that though.

        • Just Me

          Well, I am assuming that your parents aren’t 100 years old :-)

          I wasn’t implying that it is THIS generation, maybe not even our parents’. But that type of affection was still a thing in the early 1900s.

        • ThatOneAKA

          Sorry I’m a day late to the convo, but in regards to Biblical references to male affection, Paul stated “Let brotherly love continue.” He also made references to greeting your brother with a “holy kiss.” So there are references to male affection without thought of s*xual impurity or in an old school COGIC/biblical term, lasciviousness.

      • Morgan

        I took my fair share of alternative genders and sexuality courses in undergrad… and she’s spot on. All of the paranoia around sexuality is century-old recent. Very recent. Hyper masculinity (not gayness) is a product of the 20th century.

        It’s seriously self-inflicted neurosis and the inability to parse through one’s own desires or non-desires and be resolved with what they find. It’s okay.

      • Morgan

        I took my fair share of alternative genders and sexuality courses in undergrad… and she’s spot on. All of the paranoia around sexuality is century-old recent. Very recent. Hyper masculinity (not gayness) is a product of the 20th century.

        It’s seriously self-inflicted neurosis and the inability to parse through one’s own desires or non-desires and be resolved with what they find. It’s okay.

    • newgirl

      Glad I am not the only one who views mu siblings as my besties. My brother and sister are obligated to hold me down not matter what, same goes for some of my cousins. If I call any of them in a crunch they will come through 100% sure.

      I have had women befriend and it was a false sense of friend and when it came down to it they were JUST an acquaintance, nothing more and they prove it with their actions.

      I am very friendly to other woman because I can hang with anyone but everyone AIN’T my friend.

  • Malik

    I can see that. I’ll leave it to the old heads though. The only exception that I can think of if it’s you move to another state or make a concentrated effort to be sociable person.

    • Rewind

      Agreed. If you don’t feel the need to do something, then you just won’t do it.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      “concentrated effort” is a good point. it takes time and energy to take an interest in other people and somehow include them in your life. for some people it comes naturally; they need it. for others, it can be an more of a chore.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “for some people it comes naturally; they need it. for others, it can be an more of a chore.”

        basically, the difference between introverts and extroverts. meeting people drains energy from introverts, while extroverts feed off of it.

        basically, extroverts are energy parasites

        • http://missrosen.wordpress.com esa

          ~ basically, extroverts are energy parasites

          some, but not all. some extroverts add energy, infuse, uplift, and inspire the people with whom they connect. i have felt this happen when the extrovert operates from a place of love and respect ~*~

        • Wild Cougar

          Attention wh*res are energy parasites because they need the attention of others. Attention wh*res are usually extroverted, but not all extroverts are attention wh*res.

          • http://www.alltherightquestions.com T.Q. Fuego

            +1 WC and Esa. Well said

    • SweetSass

      Moving to another state as an ‘adult’ was horrible for my social life.

      That is all.

      I’m still 5 + years later without a new best friend but some randoms who I have lunch with in a blue moon.

  • nillalatte

    I’m wondering if it’s just me, but yeah, I’ll trade numbers with women I meet at a social occasion, but rare does a true friendship develop from that encounter. But I have noticed older men (older than most of y’all keep a very tight crew.

    • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

      That’s because they were born before the internet mattered and grew up doing everything face to face.

      • AfroPetite

        At what point do older generations take it upon themselves to pass down their wealth of knowledge to younger generations?

        I often see this talk of “the good ol’ days” but I don’t see how the youth of today can ever learn these past social ideals, values, cues, etc. if generations past refuse to extend the olive branch to them/us (I will include myself since I believe I’m grouped into this “internet kids” lump lol)

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I often see this talk of “the good ol’ days” but I don’t see how the youth of today can ever learn these past social ideals, values, cues, etc”

          that’s because the good ole days werent really all that good, and many of the values and ideals actually have been passed down.

          • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

            Correction Champ passing values stopped in 1979. There is a big difference between being born in 1960 and 1980

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              how so?

              • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

                Childre born in the 50′s thru 60′s were treated as children and there was a separation between adults and children. When a child got out of line any adult would check them. By the 80′s these kids were having children and started to treat their kids as equals and went soft on disclipine. By the 21st century they started having kids and who know that is working out.

                • AfroPetite

                  So, in essence the lack of any couth to be had by the current and future generations of humans should be solely blamed on the weak parenting style of folks born in the 50′s-60′s???

                  • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

                    Yep

          • Bedrock Obama

            Things done change….take rapping and the never ending search of new P. Biggie / Tupac used words / slick talk to get the women. Now rappers are stunting or assume that women want them. The end result is the same but the journey is totally different. One your economic situation will affect your game, the other…well you can still pull them.

            You hear it all the time but do you understand what’s really going on? Do clothes make the man or do the man make the clothes? When you walk into the room, do you have that whole man thing down (ala Jill Scott) or do you have Gold all in my (ala Trinidad).

            • AfroPetite

              what?

              *walks away confused and frustrated*

              • Bedrock Obama

                Basically, today people want “instant gratification” and not take their time. Showing my age but in the movie Colors….There’s two bulls standing on top of a mountain. The younger one says to the older one: “Hey pop, let’s say we run down there and fu%^ one of those cows”. The older one says: “no son, Let’s walk down and fu%^ em all”. That pretty much sums up what I’m talking about. Its hard teaching a young buck sometimes, especially when they get the same results but that’s a different discussion.

        • newgirl

          I cosign this. I think it would be helpful to me if some older woman took it upon herself to school me.

          Some white older co worker did this but he is only like 5 or 10 years older.

          Would love to get this from a black woman.

    • Rewind

      Older men have a better knowledge of bonds. Bonds don’t have to mean friendship, but more of a shared interest that keeps everyone in a certain mindstate, place, and position.

  • Juiciest Mango

    Friendship(s) takes a lifetime to build and a microsecond to erode. I’m hesistant or rather not in haste in establishing new ones. So, I guess that it can go both ways. This article makes a lot of sense, except for the the gay part, which I find stupid. Happy Monday ma pippoz.

    • mena

      That first sentence…

      I wish more people understood that point.

    • Rewind

      Did someone put on their Philosopher hat on today? I like it.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “This article makes a lot of sense, except for the the gay part, which I find stupid. ”

      it’s stupid and it makes sense. basically, it’s exactly like erica mena

      • Marshal

        +1, BOOM on Erica Mena

  • Manny

    I guess I have a manly demeanor with my friendships. I don’t trust anyone and am overly polite with strangers. Really you’re either a good friend or a bestfriend . I probably won’t ask for your number. I might have to change that up when I move to the west last.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      how many of these good/best friends do you have?

  • Manny

    I guess I have a manly demeanor with my friendships. I don’t trust anyone and am overly polite with strangers. Really you’re either a good friend or a bestfriend . I probably won’t ask for your number. I might have to change that up when I move to the west last.

  • The Other Jerome

    I have to partially disagree. One of my best friends, i met as an adult. Now, as Malik alluded to up thread, i DID move across country to a new city, then met the guy. But i was grown.

    I also have tons of NWCW types now too.

    However, i don’t think men find it harder to make new friends as adults because they’re guarded or i don’t trust anybody (at least for me) It’s just, I just don’t have freakin time! And the time i do have gets taken up by women.

    Hell, back in the day the fellas used to get on a conference call to talk about a fine chick we saw on campus. Now, the only time that happens is so we can plan a trip somewhere.

    No one has time like that anymore. And i’m supposed to add somebody new to the guest list? Nahh. My idle chit chat time is mostly taken up by women now.

    • http://www.twitter.com/Bmorebmw Tentpole

      “Hell, back in the day the fellas used to get on a conference call to talk about a fine chick we saw on campus.” You sumed it up right there. Once consistant sex is available, male bonding takes a backseat. You know longer share you exploits, your time is more spent on your way to get some or on your way back getting some. And if you ain’t getting some, you have no desire to be around those who are getting it.

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        LOL It’s funny, because it’s true.

      • Rewind

        [Ron Simmons] DAMN! [/Ron Simmons]

        I never looked at it that way but that is true. Once constant pu-s comes into play, all friendships take a backseat. It is extremely weird too, because though women are noted for having the same problem if they get too caught up in their partner and ditch their friends, they find some way to rebound back with their buddies. But men…I don’t get it…but I think that women take up so much of our time and we have to do our best to be breadwinners and achieve success that shyte just trails off, which is why you pick up situational friends, because they end up in the same boat as you.

      • http://twitter.com/ponchodayton Alano Cristóbal

        “You know longer share you exploits, your time is more spent on your way to get some or on your way back getting some. And if you ain’t getting some, you have no desire to be around those who are getting it.”

        ^^^^One of thee most profound statements I have ever read about anything. So much so, that it drove me to finally make my very first comment on a VSB article.

    • http://opinionatedmale.com Medium Meech

      Yeah, guys are only allowed to bond over non-personal and preferably masculine subject matters. Hard to make real friends when the relationships are based on the impersonal. The older you get, the more impersonal it gets. It starts off inanimate with superheroes and toys as kids, then it evolves to the somewhat more animate but still not personal topics chasing girls (not the relationship with girls) sports and music, then just sports and complaining about relationship stereotypes, and then back to the inanimate with watches, cars, coin collecting, brown liquor preference and other hobbies as we mature.

      • Rewind

        Well…we’re men. All trained to be full of steel and never reveal the flesh. We aren’t supposed to be vulnerable…EVER. And that’s what keeps us in this trap of never properly maturing. Even if you break from the cycle…finding another man who has is a full time job onto itself.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “However, i don’t think men find it harder to make new friends as adults because they’re guarded or i don’t trust anybody (at least for me) It’s just, I just don’t have freakin time! And the time i do have gets taken up by women.”

      after re-reading the post this morning, i thought about editing this point in there. basically, the older you get, the more time you’re going to spend with significant others instead of friends. this goes for pretty everyone, men and women

  • That Ugly Kid

    Me personally, I’m skeptical going to outings with friends and our group contains guys I’ve never met before. Like, when my friends ask me to hang out, I always ask who’s gonna be there. If I notice a lot of unknown men being named, I’ll still go, but I’m not as enthusiastic.

    But, me being the type of person that frequently provides most of the humor at these functions, it’s not long before me and the unknown guys are comfortable with each other. Now, will we exchange numbers after that first outing? Nope. That usually happens after several more, but eventually we end up becoming friends.

    Woman on the other hand? I LOVE being surrounded by women I don’t know. Because I’m all rainbows, unicorns, and cocoa-butter scented tampons to them. They don’t know my flaws yet. Just like I’m unaware of their flaws. Until one of them mentions she’s from Detroit, then it all goes downhill from there….

    • kid video

      Until one of them mentions she’s from Detroit, then it all goes downhill from there….

      HAHAHA…I got a cousin from the D(Kalamazoo), and he always says Chi Town and Motor City dudes just dont get along.

    • IcePrincess3

      We are the same way TUK! I’m the life of the party, even in a room full of strangers. To meet me once is to love me. But for all my outwardly charms, it actually takes me a while to warm up to someone. I feel your comment 100%.

      • Tx10inch

        But for all my outwardly charms, it actually takes me a while to warm up to someone.

        I’m truly an introvert. But I have an amazing ability to turn it off and on at will…be the life of the party or sit in silence. But when meeting new people I choose to feel everyone out first. And if everyone else is doing the same then it could make for an awkward evening. So it could take a while….unless I got that oil in me and then…I give zero damns.

        • IcePrincess3

          Omg 10inch you called it “oil.” That is soooo houston lmfao :-)

          • Tx10inch

            lmao. u know it…Dat oil, Tx tea, stanky dranky, liquid courage…

            • Sweet GA Brown

              stanky dranky tho?

        • nillalatte

          “I’m truly an introvert. But I have an amazing ability to turn it off and on at will…be the life of the party or sit in silence. But when meeting new people I choose to feel everyone out first.”

          I’m an extrovert, but can be an introvert at any given time. Yup, I am totally observant in a group of new folks and take in their interactions with others. Adventures with wild animals seem more tame sometimes than dealing with new people. lol

          • Tx10inch

            *Uncle Ruckus singing* Don’t trust dem new n*gga’s over theeere!!

        • lph

          Co-sign

    • Rewind

      Hmmm…I see your point.

      I’m the funny one in my group too, but only because I’m comfortable with them. When it comes to hanging with my female friends who bring their friends or new dudes my boys introduce…I need to be liquored up and find my courage to get the edge off. I am not sociable when uncomfortable.

  • Dignan

    I think Champ is dead right on this one, and if I’ve noticed anything, it’s that it gets even harder to make a friend when you get older. At this point, I’m not sure if I’m capable of making another close friend, even if I found someone who shared every single one of my interests. My guard is up, even if I don’t particularly want it to be up.

    I used to take the whole “don’t trust other men” thing to the extreme, to the point that I only had one male friend throughout college. Not that that was entirely a bad thing.

    The closest male friend I’ve had in the last 20 years is the only *real* male friend that I’ve made in the past 20 years. He was the finest human being I’ve ever met. He passed away last year. I’ve got several WWCW, some of whom I talk to every day, but it’s just not the same. But this is the way male life goes, I guess.

    • IcePrincess3

      Sorry bout your friend, mane. #RIP

    • Rewind

      Damn, I’m sorry to hear that.

      A bond like that stands on its own, it can’t ever be replaced.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      sorry to hear about that

    • nillalatte

      This is how I met my guy. His closest friend of 30+ years was riding a motorcycle home from work. A drunk driver hit him. I was on my way to meet my daughter after her shift at work and came up on the accident.

      I pulled over to lend assistance, but there were already enough people attending to him. I noticed his cell phone in the street, then I found the battery several feet away. I put the phone together, turned it on, and started looking for ‘home’ or ‘ice’ (in case of emergency) numbers. I found ‘home.’ I called it.

      A lady answered the phone and I asked if she has a husband or son with a motorcycle and told her there had been an accident. She hung up the phone (she didn’t speak much English). The next call was a man asking me who I was, where I was, what had happened, etc. He said the guy was his friend.

      I told him they were putting his friend in the ambulance and told him where I thought they would take him because of the trauma. But, I followed the ambulance to confirm. We met in the ER waiting room and I told him what I observed when I drove up on the accident. I gave his friend’s phone to his mother and he took my number to keep me posted on his friend’s condition.

      He called me a couple of times, but then we lost touch. I came across him on a social media site and emailed him a note to say hi and hope all worked out. His friend had passed a year after the accident. His phone also died and along with it my number, so he had no way of contacting me.

      Our friendship developed slowly… very slowly. Though we’d chat on the phone occasionally, we didn’t start ‘having a thing’ for each other until 4 or 5 years later. Now, he’s my best friend and we talk almost every day.

      I realize there is a gender difference between a male and female friendship and a male with male friendship, but the process can be relative in the development of said friendships.

      • mena

        Nicholas Sparks film in the making.

        I am sorry to hear about his friend though but glad you were there to help. Not too many people would do what you did.

    • Dignan

      I thank y’all for your kind words. I didn’t mean to come off like I was looking for sympathy, more just trying to express how tough it is to make a close friend for a guy of a certain age, and to try to make the point that it’s hard at 30, but it’s even harder at 45. I’m guessing that at 60, it’ll be damn near impossible.

      • nillalatte

        Nah, the old folks home has lots of residents. :P

        Seriously, just stay involved in your community. Community centers are wonderful way to meet folks — even older folks.