The White Person’s Guide To Surviving A Terrorist Attack » VSB

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The White Person’s Guide To Surviving A Terrorist Attack

NBC screenshot

 

My Dear Caucasian Brethren,

I want to first thank you for allowing me to speak to the Global Society for the Advancement of White People for the third time. It is indeed an honor and a privilege to stand before such luminaries as Hillary Clinton, Taylor Swift, Donald Trump and the entire cast of Exodus: Gods and Kings. Today I was summoned to speak to you about living under the existential threat of terrorism.

For the past few years, Americans have faced this ever-growing threat head-on. I know it can be scary, but because my people have lived under the constant fear of fugitive slave hunters, lynching, Ku Klux Klan groups, skinheads, vigilantes, neighborhood watchmen, police brutality and random angry men at gas stations telling us our music is too loud, I thought I’d share with you a few tips on surviving the terrorist threat:

1. Keep calm and carry on

I know you guys love that meme, but there is a lot of truth in it. The most important part of living under the constant threat of violence and death is not to let your everyday life crumble under the weight of fear. I know the reports of dark-hearted ISIS members hiding in shadows, wearing ninja costumes and waving black flags scare you, but more Americans likely died yesterday from guns used by other Americans than have been killed by members of the Islamic State all year. If Black people were as prone to your kind of anxiety, we’d have panic attacks every time we passed a police car, saw blue lights or walked by White men handling ropes. Imagine if we stopped driving to job interviews after hearing about Sandra Bland or stopped walking to corner stores after Trayvon Martin’s lynching. Trust me, you’ll learn to live with it.

2. You’re probably going to have to listen to some b.s.

If you decide to do something to fight back against the existential threat that you and your people face, prepare yourself for some idiotic pushback. The first thing people might ask you when addressing the mass murder of innocent people by an armed, militaristic group trying to take away the rights of free people is, “Well, what about White-on-White crime?” I know it’s an idiotic question; I’m just trying to prepare you for it. I know that you are trying to address a specific problem, and the fact that White people kill far more White people than terrorists do is not at all related to the problem that you’re working on … but still.

3. Prepare to give up some rights

When the FBI politely asked Apple to help it develop a way to unlock an iPhone, it sparked a White-on-White debate so vigorous that it lasted for weeks. Meanwhile, people of color sat back, shocked that you live in such a pristinely righteous world that you can worry about the individual little freedoms locked away in your smartphone. As you continue living under this threat, pray that you aren’t subject to unreasonable searches like Charnesia Corley, on whom police forced a vaginal search while looking for a small amount of marijuana. If the police kick in your door, raid your house and shoot your dog … then figure out they are in the wrong house, remember that this is the price we have to pay to be safe.

4. You might have to sacrifice your children

If the “war on terror” mirrors the “war on drugs,” remember that you might not even be able to keep your children safe from the “protectors.” To make sure your neighborhoods are safe from the terrorist threat, they might lob grenades through the windows of the wrong house and shoot your children in the face, like they did Aiyana Stanley-Jones. Sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make a Safe America omelet. It’s usually the darker eggs, but we all have yolks on the inside.

In conclusion, my Caucasian brethren, be strong, be vigilant, but most of all, be safe. It is a brave, new, scary world you are entering. We welcome you to it, and, yes …

We already know: Caucasian Lives Matter.

Michael Harriot

Michael Harriot is a podcaster, spoken word poet, editor of the daily digital magazine NegusWhoRead.com and one of the greatest peanut butter and jelly sandwich makers of our time.

  • Kas

    Well done.

  • Tambra

    I wonder how long it will take for the trolls to show yup.

  • TeeChantel

    Oh, hi. :-)

  • Julian Green

    The key is to never get caught slippin’.

  • Question
  • HRH Kortni_Styles

    This mic drop, tho.

    “In conclusion, my Caucasian brethren, be strong, be vigilant, but most of all, be safe. It is a brave, new, scary world you are entering. We welcome you to it, and, yes …

    We already know: Caucasian Lives Matter.”

    http://static1.gamespot.com/uploads/original/137/1370907/2977457-9595356216-IDN2p.gif

    • Kas

      shocked that you live in such a pristinely righteous world that you can worry about the individual little freedoms locked away in your smartphone

    • CozyVon

      I need this gif in my life, though! (*to insert wherever appropriate*)

    • Mary Burrell

      The GIF is too funny.

    • You can almost hear them. Lol

    • De’Jhan Burns

      The entire piece plus this gif has my heart full!!!! This piece is flawless!!!

      • The Dead Baron (Dindu Nathan’)

        You foolin’. Tell me what you like about any of this.

    • Blk_Poseidon

      I only came here to say how much I appreciate the flawlessness of the loop on that gif.

  • chivalrous1won

    Printing and distributing to the 2520s in my life….because I care

  • Dawg, you should run for President of Caucasia. Legalize white tears!

  • You killed it. This reminds me of a lecture Noam Chomsky gave that tried to explain to college kids that America was the worlds biggest terrorists. They were not amused.

    • Kas

      I been noodling over a pet theory since the article about the “war on drugs/blacks/hippies. I’ve always been stupefied by people who I felt were over the top about their 2nd Amendment rights. My theory is: You hear these stories groups of people passing stories down from generation to generation about not building below a certain level above sea level. The story has been passed on for so many generations that no one even knows why the story is told, but they respect the story and for the most part go along. Then a once in a couple of hundred year tsunami hits and wipes out everything below the point mentioned in the story. Those who paid heed to the story are safe those who didn’t, well . . . All that to say (and circle around to your comment) America is the biggest gangster in the history of the world. It has proven on many occasions it will trample on the rights of foreigners and citizens alike. My question to myself is am I actually the crazy/stupid one for being laissev faire when it comes to the 2nd Amendment.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        I’d say the Britain takes the cake as the biggest gangster in recorded history but that’s only because all of their actions over 600 years are what helped America become the full-fledged mercenary organization it is today. I could be wrong.

        Either way though, this country is sooooo fucked up.

        • Kas

          Also don’t sleep on Japan. That little island was running things for a minute. Two words, comfort women.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            buahahaaha @ comfort women. That’s an interesting perspective.

        • Brooklyn_Bruin

          Dishonorable mention to Belgium and the Netherlands!

          • Cheech

            Was just about to say that. And let’s not forget the Spanish and Portoguese.

          • Question

            The Netherlands is the quiet sleeper. Folks all worried about Spain and the UK, and then here comes the l’il Dutchies…

            • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

              The Dutch are the worst of the worst of the Europeans…they weren’t even trying to rule anything as much as rape and pillage and make a profit off of it.

        • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

          it would be Great Britain if not for the US genocide of the indigenous populations and institution of slavery at its very core. GB has some analogs with the Scots and Irish and of course had a heavy hand in the Transatlantic, but not on the same scale.

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            But where did we get those ideas from? Who started the genocide of indigenous populations in the Western Hemisphere? The Spanish & the English. Who first started the slave trade towards the Caribbean & North America? The Spanish & English. Who took over the only continent known to be an island by dumping their prisoners on there? The English. Who invaded both China & India and fundamentally changed those two countries forever as far as politics, resources, and large-scale manipulation goes? Britain only relinquished control of Hong Kong less than 20 years ago and many of it’s prior-seized countries less than 75 years ago.

            Trust me when I say, the daughter may be crueler, but the mother always held the crown.

            • Spit-Burn

              But nobody made ‘the daughter’ carry on the family tradition. (And, needless to say, this argument also risks making a lot of excuses.)

      • It is a conundrum. In the Lordof the Flies, maybe we are better off joining the savages.

      • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

        Yes. Yes you are…but in your defense, we are in a time where its sooooo easy to be laisse faire. Every time some of my more classi democrat friend look at me like I’m crazy when I talk about adding to my handguns, I have to go through this.

    • Mochasister

      No, not their blessed ‘Murica!

  • Shout out to all those caucasians, and all those that are just about to have their caucasian card revoked and don’t see it coming:

    https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2015-06/29/18/enhanced/webdr07/anigif_enhanced-16839-1435617384-12.gif

    http://images.medicaldaily.com/sites/medicaldaily.com/files/styles/pulse_embed/public/2015/12/31/katrina.png

    #CruzSexScandal (Sorry, had to lol)

    • cakes_and_pies

      He’s so ugly no one believes he had those affairs. What a blow to the ego.

      • Tambra

        Has that stopped persons before? Orange blob is not exactly a good looking man by any stretch.

        • AquaTeamV3

          Yeah, looks don’t matter much in cases like that. Shoot, if you gave an ogre enough money and power, he’d have plenty of potential suitors knocking at his door.

          • Kas

            and here’s proof

            • ALM247

              It’s funny. I have always had mixed feelings about this situation. On the one hand, I was upset with Anna for taking advantage of someone who was basically dust.

              On the other hand, he had no business asking people to transport him to the strip club. He couldn’t even breathe on his own half of the time. He was trying to die….up in there with butts and boobs in his face….he wanted to have a heart attack.

              • Sigma_Since 93

                “He was trying to die….up in there with butts and boobs in his face”

                And what’s wrong with that???

                • ALM247

                  Only a guy would say that. LOL

                  • Sigma_Since 93

                    I know some ladies that wouldn’t mind going like that lol! *looks at the ladies of VSB but doesn’t say any names cuz they already know*

                    • Val

                      *looks around with Sig*

                      ;-)

                    • Tambra

                      Ah hahahaha.

                    • Epsilonicus
                    • PhlyyPhree

                      *raises hand*
                      I love strip clubs. I wouldn’t be mad at all.
                      Can they still bury me in a church if I die in the club? Just trying to plan some things out here

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      Herman Cain smiles at @PhlyyPhree:disqus

                    • Tambra

                      Never took you for a pervy perv.

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      I’m just happy my sistas had my back.

                    • Tambra

                      Not if you morph into Herman Cain.

                    • Mochasister

                      I believe I know the gif you’re referring to. He looks so creepy. Like old man trying to holler at teenage girls creepy.

                    • ALM247

                      You all are hilarious. :)

                • brothaskeeper

                  I see not na’an thang wrong.

                  • Mochasister

                    Why did I hear that said in R. Kelly’s voice? “I don’t see nothing wrong….you know the rest.

                • If you gotta go, go with a smile.

                • Lmao @ “…annnd?”

              • Mochasister

                Someone who was basically dust. He did look rather powdery at times.

            • Tambra

              She took advantage of her one way ticket.

          • Tambra

            Not necessarily. We have a saying that goes “Every mouldy bread has its own cheese”. Cos some men who have women ugly as heck in attitude and looks while being broke azz, but are never out of women.

            • Mochasister

              Why does this saying remind me of something Rose from St. Olaf (Golden Girls for those who don’t know what I’m talking about) would say?!

      • Ugly people get side too lol

        • cakes_and_pies

          He has a punchable face. I’m more likely to believe he paid for those affairs

          • RewindingtonMaximus

            Very punchable.

            • Cheech

              I passed on an opportunity to punch Karl Rove once. One of life’s regrets.

              • Val

                That would definitely be worth a few days in jail and a fine.

              • brothaskeeper

                Dang. Now if Rihanna propositions you….

                • Cheech

                  That I won’t hesitate about. 8~)

                • Tambra

                  Now BK, what would you do if your were propositioned?

                  • brothaskeeper

                    Start doing my stretches.

                    • Tambra

                      If you will be running from Mrs BK, then can I be there to film? If not, well * speaks barely audible* enjoy yourself.

                    • brothaskeeper

                      Mrs. BK has allowed me one celebrity hall pass, but only one. Can’t go poppin’ a hammy during my window of opportunity, hence the calisthenics.

                    • Tambra

                      Be prepared for the coup of the century, be prepared!

                    • Cheech

                      Can’t have the wrong part poppin’….

              • RewindingtonMaximus

                Sir, I’m going to need you to do better. You could have done us all a great service.

                • Cheech

                  I’ll do better when I hear from Rihanna. B~)

        • CheGueverraWitBlingOn

          Yup….giving backshot all the glory.

      • Val

        Am I the only one who thinks he looks like Richard Nixon?

        • Tambra

          Another Tricky Diccky , please spare us.

          • Cheech

            Except with this one, we don’t have to capitalize the d.

            • Tambra

              well

        • cakes_and_pies

          In the chin I do. He looks like all types of isht. He even looks like the tragedy mask.

          • Cheech

            My God, you’re right.

          • Cheech

            Whereas the comedy mask looks a bit like Rand Paul.

      • Other_guy13

        He looks like an opossum….google it

        • cakes_and_pies

          Yes, and a Blob Fish

        • Tambra

          Keeps the place interesting. Come on work would be boring otherwise.

        • cakes_and_pies

          I want to know what “The Thing” is about. That hashtag is worse than vaguebooking

        • Cheech

          OK, now these look like pics of 3 couples. The guy in the red is a little nervous about being out.

          • Cheech

            And the guy at the desk is getting his giggles just knowing what’s going on.

          • Val

            Nah, he’s just rethinking the whole Black Republican thing.

            • Mochasister

              He could be rethinking both!

      • Siante

        I thought those affairs were just rumors trumped up by Trump?

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