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The Weirdest Shit That’ll Happen To You While You Have A Pregnant-Ass Wife, Ranked

4. You will gain weight

In the last 72 hours I’ve had pancakes four times. And not just a single pancake, but pancake feasts with steak tips and crab cakes and omelettes and milkshakes and entire half gallons of cranberry juice and shit.

Now, I’ve always been a big eater. Actually, “big eater” is misleading. I’ve been referred to as “crackhead hungry” (I don’t know what that means either) and a “human garbage disposal” by two separate people in the last three years. My eating habits are prodigious, legendary, stealth and Darth. Fortunately, I also play basketball several times a week, which keeps me in (relatively) decent shape. As long as I hover around 210, I’m good.

But, as much as I’m forced to eat now, I’d have to play 119 times a week to keep it all off. Seriously, as I’m typing this I’m eating a doughnut. Because we bought a dozen doughnuts yesterday because she wanted one. So I’m eating a doughnut. An hour after I finished eating three pancakes. That were brought home from an impromptu trip to IHOP yesterday because she wanted pancakes. The doughnuts were purchased on the way to getting the pancakes.

If Rick Ross feels like Pac, I feel like how Rick Ross looks.

3. No one will give a fuck about you

Last weekend, The Pregnant-Ass Wife Person™ and I went to a going-away cookout for one of my homegirls. At least that’s what I think happened last weekend. My memory is gone from the concussion I received when I was stampeded by the rush to hug The Pregnant-Ass Wife Person™ when we entered the park.

Now, I didn’t mind this at all. I mean, The Pregnant-Ass Wife Person™ is carrying a life. An actual human life. And all I was carrying was a regifted bottle of merlot. So I get it. Still, though. I miss people saying things to me. Like “Hi.”

2. Random people get very (and inappropriately) familiar

(Actual conversation I had two weeks ago)

“Your wife is pregnant?”

“Yes.”

Congrats, man.”

“Thanks.”

“I know you must be loving it too. I heard pregnant pussy is the shit.

Man, if you don’t shut up and get my junior bacon cheeseburger and value fries, I’m gonna jump behind the counter and smack the shit out of you.

1.  People volunteer the scariest and grossest pregnancy horror stories ever

This happens to The Pregnant-Ass Wife Person™ more than it happens to me. Actually, it never happens to me. But it happens to her so often that I can’t help but overhear some of this Eli Roth-ass, Apocalypto-ass shit.

(Sample conversation I’ll overhear)

“…so I wasn’t able to have a natural birth, and the doctor said my stomach was too small for a c-section, so I had to give birth through my anus.”

“Your anus?”

“Yes. My anus. My son was delivered through my asshole. I still haven’t been able to sit down. Or stand. Or take a shit without my spleen falling out.”

“Well, um, thanks for the information. Can I have my junior bacon cheeseburger and value fries now?”

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • menajeanmaehightower

    When is she due? Also, you don’t HAVE to eat the pancakes and donuts and chocolate covered bacon.

    • Damon Young

      early dec. and yes i do.

      • Illumina

        Wow! Just a couple more months.

        • Epsilonicus

          The problem is that the first 3 months he gonna be too tired to exercise due to the lack of sleep.

    • Epsilonicus

      Eating is social.

  • eyecande

    Y’all need to stop going to that Wendy’s. LOL

    • miss t-lee

      ASAP.

    • inYOface

      I will never go to Wendy’s the same again!

  • LMAO wait…what? That last story is the most fictitious thing I’ve ever read.

    • AlwaysCC

      my sister didn’t believe the most inappropriate things that were said to me while i was pregnant either. there’s nothing like a random stranger telling you their niece’s best friend’s cousin’s sister’s daughter just had a baby but something went wrong so she’s in a coma and they don’t know if the baby is gonna make it. O_O

      • O_O Oh my goodness! People are so weird around pregnant women. I do NOT look forward to people thinking they have carte blanche access to strike up conversations with me and touch me because I happen to carrying a life inside my body…I’m still ME, and I still don’t like anybody lol

        • AlwaysCC

          lol no one really tried to touch my belly (strangers didn’t anyway). but people did tend to say mighty inappropriate/personal things. that’s fine with me tho, i responded in kind lol worked every time.

      • Epsilonicus

        My wife and I were at the beach and someone asked her about miscarriage while she was pregnant. I am never surprised anymore.

        • AlwaysCC

          the weird/crazy thing is that now everybody gets offended over everything. i’ve heard repeatedly that it’s offensive to ask someone when the baby is due. well dambit, i thought that was a normal question lol

          • Epsilonicus

            I think people get the question so often you get tired of answering it after awhile.

  • Madame Zenobia

    “I’ve been referred to as “crackhead hungry” (I don’t know what that means either)…” and yet, we all understood it perfectly.

    • LogicalLeopard

      *LOL* Actually, it’s the opposite…crackheads don’t seem to get very hungry very often, but I get the reference.

  • Sasha

    Just know that when your mini arrives people will no longer check for you nor your wife….you only exist in the realm of the caretakers….nothing more and nothing less. ENJOYYYYY

  • miss t-lee

    Sympathy weight, eh Champie?
    That’s too cute.

    • Wild Cougar

      I predicted it.

  • skinnynow

    No. 4 just made me spit out my coffee! And I need my afternoon coffee to make it through the rest of the day. Spitting out my coffee gets coffee all over my keyboard, my white blouse, and my emotions.

  • LogicalLeopard

    Relax. Once you go through it, you’re a soldier. You’ll have seen and experienced so much that all squeamishness regarding female issues is gone. Once I walked into a room at work and the women tried to change the subject. They told me that they were talking about female issues, saying “discharge” specifically to scare me off. I said, “My wife had a baby, I’m immune. So what kind of discharge are we talking about? Bloody, mucousy, cottage cheese, what?” I actually managed to gross them out. I could care less what they were talking about when I walked in, but don’t play me for a lightweight sucka!

    • Damon Young

      this is depressing

      • LogicalLeopard

        No, what is depressing is the struggle itself. What’s depressing is going to a Walgreen’s pharmacy at a quarter to midnight, trying to find a new brand of soap and cleaning products because your wife’s Bionic Pregnancy Nose has switched wavelengths, and every air freshener, bar of soap, and spray cleaner makes her vomit this week.
        And you ask the person behind the register, “Excuse me, do you have any soap that smells like nothing? My wife is pregnant and everything is offensive to her. She still likes the smell of corn chips, though. Do you have soap that smells like corn chips?” Yes, I actually asked someone that.

        • Illumina

          My sister was like this. She was always smelling something which would cause me to look at her like she was going insane.

          I’m trying to remember what it was, but there was a particular scent that would automatically make her hurl.

          • LogicalLeopard

            Yeah, its usually something very innocuous, like a fruit smell or a flowery smell, or something. I had no problem with that, it was just that she’d get sick of the new ones too! *L*

        • Did you have to learn the exact way to ask “Why are you crying?” without seeming hostile? It took me a few months.

          • LogicalLeopard

            Nope, not at all. *L* Well, it may not have sounded hostile to her, but I didn’t think it sounded very good.

        • Lisa Harris

          I remember being pregnant and outlawing peanut butter in my house and screaming at everyone because everything smelled like peanut butter. Man, I was crazy….lol.

          • LogicalLeopard

            *LOL* My wife has always hated the smell of peanut butter (which is wonderful to me!)

          • Y’all make me want to adopt and never experience those kinds of changes.

    • miss t-lee

      Even I don’t wanna be privy to this type of convo…lol

      • LogicalLeopard

        *L* They learned not to challenge me again.

        • miss t-lee

          I bet.

    • Lisa Harris

      I am, at once, impressed and saddened by this. But, you know, good for you!

      • LogicalLeopard

        *LOL* Thank you! Er….and I accept your condolences.

    • DG

      I’ve worked with/around nurses for pretty much my entire career…most, if not all, of them have no filter and will talk about any and everything right in front of you. So yeah, completely immune here…in fact, I would’ve been asking your co-workers questions like,”did you notice an odor? How about any tingling, itching, burning, etc.?”
      Don’t play me OR my gynecological knowledge ‘cuz I don’t walk away/retreat…

      • LogicalLeopard

        *LOL*

  • You forgot the joys of pregnancy poots.

    • Damon Young

      wtf is a pregnancy poot? (do i even want to know?)

      • Your wife isn’t passing gas every 6 minutes? You’re very lucky.

  • TeeChantel

    Aah, what joy, Champ.
    However, I’m kind of upset you go to IHOP for pancakes. #CrackerbarrelAllDay

    • Damon Young

      it’s open 24 hours. and (relatively) close

      • TeeChantel

        I’ll accept that.

      • DG

        Given your penchant for posts with lists and breakfast foods, I’m actually kinda waiting on a post where you discuss the ranking of restaurants serving the best pancake/waffle/french toast…

        #teamIHOP (pancakes only)
        #teamcrackerbarrel (french toast only)

    • KB

      NOBODY has better pancakes than IHOP

      • TeeChantel

        Well, I mean, if you prefer dry a s s pancakes then yes, you are correct.

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