we all know the scenario.
boy meets girl. girl likes boy. girl passive aggressively pursues boy. boy agrees to lazily date girl. girl is single and 30, so she is easily enthralled with unremarkable boy. girl sleeps with boy immediately after second date, hoping to f*ck boy into submission. boy eventually relents and decides to make it official after completely exhausting his list of weekend romantic arrangements. girl and boy have mediocre relationship, characterized by months of angst filled nights filled with brita and re-runs of “30 rock”. girl is serious about boy, and invites boy to meet parents because parents are beginning to suspect girl “putts from the rough”
one of the most potentially nerve-racking parts of adulthood, meeting the parents for the first time is a social inevitability filled with more potential faux pas and hand grenades than liz’s bed.
so, in keeping with our commitment to fight crime, here’s the vsb do’s and don’ts of meeting the fam for the first time
do make your mate a cheat sheet
there’s awkward, there’s extremely awkward, and there’s “if i had known her uncle joe was in rehab, i probably wouldn’t have told that joke about the crackhead, the gallon of milk, and rafer alston i read in maxim last month” awkward.
if you’re gonna introduce your mate to your fam, its your responsibility t0 also give them a cliffnotes version of what to expect and which lurking landmines to avoid.
obviously, you don’t want to tell em everything and take the fun out of them finding out about grandma’s purse pistols, but if in doubt, anything having to do with predicate felonies, unusually attractive and lascivious aunts, midget cousins, jehovah witnesses, extreme wealth, and extreme roach infestation should probably be revealed a week or two in advance
do eat…
…but don’t come with an empty stomach
if invited, you have to eat something offered if you ever want to be invited again. still, just in case today was the day her dad decided to serve his famous beet souffle, its a good idea to eat a small meal beforehand, especially if you’re like the champ and a prolonged empty stomach turns you into a liken.
don’t get too comfortable
basically, just remember that taking “hey, make yourself at home” and “please, help yourself” literally is the quickest way to go from “ashley” to “can you believe” (ie “can you believe that trifling heffer jack brought home last week had the nerve to walk her ashy barefeet in my kitchen and make a salad??? with croutons!!!! croutons!!!!“)
do pay attention
if you’re at the parent stage, its probably safe to say that you’ve evolved a bit past the “i mean, we’re f*cking, so i guess i can buy her a waffle and sh*t sometime next week” stage of the relationship.
with this in mind, it would be in your best interest to pay attention to the dynamics of the household…because this could very well be your future.
do downgrade the pda
look. ever since her mom accidentally discovered the johnson triplets running a train on her in her basement a condom in her purse in 12th grade, they’ve known their daughter was sexually active, and the fact that they know that she allows you to drive her whip with a suspended license you’re living together has completely quelled any doubt. still, its probably not the best idea to remind them of that fact by referring to her as her petname “polegirl” or noticeably rubbing her skirted ass while you’re saying grace
lastly…
do be yourself…but don’t be yourself
its understandable to be a bit overzealous in your attempt to impress the fam. still, parents can usually spot out fakes faster than p*rn producers, so its a good idea to leave your inner james fray in the car.
with this being said, while you shouldn’t lie or embellish, theres nothing wrong with not giving them the entire truth about you right now. you’re pro-choice? fine. you designed a line of tiller the killer baby tees on ebay? keep that little nugget to yourself
i’m sure i’m missing a few. any suggestions?
—the champ