The Unspoken But Expected Reciprocation Of Giving (And Receiving) Head
Despite the fact that it first aired a few months ago, I’m just now getting around to watching the current season of “Louie.” I’m up to episode four, but something that occurred in episode two addresses an unspoken bit of dating decorum that, well, has remained unspoken for obvious reasons.
Louie’s friend arranges for the newly single Louie to meet someone. They don’t initially hit it off, but after heading to a bar, having a couple drinks, and donning some beer goggles, they start to warm up to each other. They leave in her truck, and after a couple blocks she pulls over in an alley, tells him to whip it out, and starts giving him head. When finished (and yes, she swallows), she sits back up and asks him to return the favor. He refuses, saying that he considers that to be too intimate of an act to do when first meeting someone.
This (predictably) starts an argument where she basically says that reciprocation is expected, and, if he wasn’t prepared to go down on her, he shouldn’t have allowed her to give him a bj. He replied that just because she doesn’t consider that to be too intimate doesn’t mean that he should feel the same way.Â
The scene ends with her basically raping him into giving her head (you have to see it to believe it), but it stayed with me because of the issue it brings up. Much of our dating/relationship lives are governed by certain unspoken but expected reciprocations —Â some as small as “If you accept this drink, you’re also accepting (at least) two songs worth of conversation” and others as potentially life-changing as “If I’m monogamous, I expect you to be monogamous too.” And, since these things are largely unspoken, there always remains the possibility that miscommunications such as the one that occurred with Louie will end up with a p*ssy forcefully placed in your mouth.
I guess the easy solution would be to just make certain everything is always explicitly communicated, but life doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes we assume that people we’re dating share the same sense of decorum. Sometimes we don’t make that assumption, but don’t actually think to bring up the subject until it smacks you in the face. And, sometimes we want to bring stuff up, but worry about offending and/or ruining the mood. Basically, assumed social mores has a tendency to make us a bunch of p*ssies. (If it seems like I’m enjoying typing “p*ssy’ too much, it’s because I totally am. P*ssy, P*ssy, P*ssy, P*ssy, P*ssy!!!)
Oh, and as far as oral sex decorum, I’m not sure if there’s a right answer to Louie’s situation. Personally, I haven’t gone down on everyone who’s gone down on me (Is it an damning indictment of my sexual past if just the mere thought of possibly eating out some of the woman who’ve given me head gives me chills and cold sweats? Nevermind. Don’t answer that question.), and I’ve never given head in anticipation of reciprocation either. If I did it, I did it because I wanted to do it, not because I wanted them to do something in return.
Also, Louie was right. Just because a person is ready to suck off and/or eat out anyone who smells good and smiles at them doesn’t mean that the person receiving the head will feel the same way. For some people, going down on someone is only reserved for “special” people. (ie: future wives, former presidents, Nicole Beharie, women who you’re trying to trick into letting you hit, etc) Yes, it’s somewhat hypocritical to accept head from someone knowing that you’d never, ever, ever, ever return the favor, but “hypocritical” doesn’t mean “wrong.”
At the same time, I also do think that Louie’s date had a valid point. I mean, after a certain point in your life (and by “after a certain point in your life” I mean “after your 21st birthday”), you probably shouldn’t be receiving head from someone you’d never, ever, ever — for moral, biological, or “you disgust the ever-living shit out of me” reasons — give head to. At that point, returning the act isn’t so much about the act itself as much as it’s about the principle. This — giving head — is something adults do, and if you’re ready to receive, your ass needs to be ready to give as well.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, what do you think? If you go down on someone, do you expect them to go down on you too? If so, why, and if not, why not?
Also, do you consider oral sex to be more intimate than just plain ole f*ckin?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)
for those folks in the DMV, this Saturday, October 6 is another edition of Reminisce, our all 90s everything hip-hop/r&b/dancehall party at Liv Nightclub in Washington, DC. Itâ€™s free before 11pm with RSVP (http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com) and thereâ€™s an open bar from 930-1030pm with no dress code. Come to party, leave to remember. Reminisce. Peep the flyer and FB invite: http://www.facebook.com/events/325601340869364/