Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

“The Unprompted D*ck Pic” and 4 More Things We (Men) Need To Stop Forever

He got it at Jared

I was in NYC last week to participate in a dating and relationship roundtable discussion with several other writers and bloggers. While hanging out during the accompanying photoshoot, we — the three male writers in attendance — were involved in a kind of heated and completely hilarious conversation with a few of the stylists on set. Apparently, the emailboxes of each of these women were full of random wangs — short, tall, long, wrong, etc — and the only thing each of these pics had in common was the fact that none of them were requested.

One woman even told us about a time a year or so ago when she was in the cab back home from a decent first date with a guy. She felt her cell phone buzzing, saw the guy’s number, assumed he was texting to make sure she got home okay, opened the message prepared to see “Hey, just wanted to make sure you made it home ok” or “Had a great time tonight,” but was greeted with a glistening wang with the words “Sneak Preview” attached to it. One’s left to wonder if he carried a bottle of Vaseline in his pocket to always be prepared to send a shiny d*ck pic or if he just had the pic stored on his phone for special occasions.

Although none of us had actually done the unprompted d*ck pic thing ourselves, three possible reasons for this act were brought up.

A) It’s a simple bait for easy chicks. Let’s say you send a d*ck pic to 15 different women. Although most will be disgusted/indifferent (or will at least feign disgust/indifference), there might be a couple who are amused/intrigued/aroused by it, and now you have three new chicks who want to f*ck and all you had to do to cultivate interest was stick an iPhone in your boxers.

B) We occasionally assume that most women are turned on by our bodies in the same way that we’re turned on by theirs. As my homie J-Russ has joked, it doesn’t even take boobs or booty to get us. Sometimes a chick’s shoulder blade or bare ankle is enough to make us all verklempt, and we sometimes forget that women’s arousal can be a bit more, um, complicated than that.

C) Remember lunchtime recess in 3rd grade, when some boys used to flash girls at the swings and then run away laughing when she screamed or blushed? (and by “some” I mean “all”) Well, let’s just say that certain parts of some of us never grow up, and many of us will never not enjoy showing our d*cks to random women.

Anyway, the unprompted d*ck pic is just one of the many things many of us continue to do even though — if the women I’ve met are any indication — very, very, very few women actually seem to enjoy it.

Here’s four more.

2. The too soon “I miss you” text/phone call/email message

You know what’s funny? The men who do this are usually completely disingenuous. I mean f*ck, the date just ended 13 minutes ago. There’s no way in hell you miss her Aspergers having ass already. But, many of us send that message just to get some extra points, oblivious to the fact that there’s a 97.9% chance that she’ll think you’re a corny f*cking lame after receiving it.

3. The foreplay ear-tongue play

Guys, raise your hand if you’ve ever stuck your tongue in a woman’s ear while making out. Ladies, raise your hand if you’ve ever had that happen to you. Now, keep those hands up if you’ve ever actually enjoyed that.

Exactly.

4. Asking “how many” 

Although “how many” does actually matter (that’s another topic for another day), asking the question is an exercise in futility. Why? Well, she’ll either get pissed at you for asking, lie about the number, or tell the truth and make you want to hide under the table. And yes, if you’re the type of guy who’d ask, you’re probably also the type whose feelings would get hurt if her number is higher than D.Wade’s jersey.

5. The plan-less date

I know, I know, I know. We think we’re doing the right thing. We just want to make her happy, we want her to enjoy her time, and, ever since that time two years ago when we accidentally watched a couple scenes from Erin Brockovich, we’re aware of women’s rights and shit.

But, while many of us think that “It’s whatever. I don’t have any preference. Whatever you want to do.” is the optimum way to approach dating in these increasingly androgynous times, there are few things that dry panties quicker than a date without a plan.

Seriously, it doesn’t even have to be a good plan. It could be a bad plan. An awful plan. An egregiously shitty plan on par with “Let’s let the guy who was caught raping a kid in the showers unrestricted access to our locker room.” Shit, you can even change plans. Just make sure to have something, anything in place to let her know you put more than five seconds worth of thought into your evening. Plus, if you allow her to make her own plans you make her accountable for her own happiness, and we all know they don’t want that to happen either. (another topic for another day)

Anyway, people of VSB: Do you agree with my list?

Also, can you think of any thing else that we (men) continue to do even though we know that most women kind of hate it? 

***Coming tomorrow: “55 Things Women Need To Stop Forever“***

—The Champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://live.drjays.com/index.php/author/chris-j-the-genius/ Chris J The Genius

    1st?

  • http://live.drjays.com/index.php/author/chris-j-the-genius/ Chris J The Genius

    Staring at another woman or talking about how fine some other woman is. They know they don’t have ish on Halle Berraaay, Halle Berry. They just don’t want to hear it from us (just like we don’t want to know they’d let Michael Jai White all up in their nether regions).

    • Iamnotakata

      I don’t have a response to this article nor do I understand what Chris J the Genius is getting at or trying to say…

      • LA2DC & hating it

        I think he was trying to say guys should stop bragging about other women, particularly hotter women, in front of women.

        I don’t like that either, it makes me want to say “chile’ please if you could get Halle Berry, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you, I’d be with Idris (classy fantasy guy or 50 cent (thug fantasy guy) and not with you” lol

        • cookiesandapplejuice

          im late on this but have to comment, we could easily break them by joining in on the oh i think this guy is hot, but instead we usually dont. I just bow out, if thats what he wants to do.

          a lot of times guys need to stop worrying about what celebrity woman is “hot” and worry more about the woman that is in their bed or who is “actually” giving them the time of day.

      • CaffeMochaChocolate

        What’s with the ‘I am not Akata’ name? Is that REALLY necessary?

    • leelee

      +1

      • http://challyshares.tumblr.com Nei Jay

        times 2

  • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    Men, please stop strong arming women, whistling, barking or standing directly in front of them in order to holla. It won’t get you a number, it will get you a restraining order

    • Cali

      YES

  • Malik

    I have recently learned that women enjoy ‘plans’ on dates. Apparently the joy of my company isn’t enough.

    • http://twitter.com/itztrizz617 Tristan

      I’m currently in date limbo with this one chick…i think i have 24 hrs to have real plans before she curves my ass lol

      • vernishia renee

        Tristan do you care if she curves your @$$?! LOL j/k Do you have a plan so far? on a positive note, good luck!

    • Scipio Africanus

      Women like the feeling of being led by a man. They want a symbolic boss, no Rawse-o. That’s something almost no man will understand without being told or shown.

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      Women love the idea that you have considered us and our feelings thoughtfully when we are not staring in your face. Plans reflect that. Even though it takes approximately 5 minutes to plan dinner and a movie or about 10 minutes to look up events online, the fact that you wouldn’t even take that time usually shows some disinterest or indifference.

      • vernishia renee

        Which is what I told a guy yesterday and he quickly got the picture because he’s making plans for the next couple days! :)

      • #1Snowflake

        @WIP cosign!

        Basically last Friday I got in the car with this guy for a first date and I looked great- when I saw his T-shirt and cargo pants and he said “well I just don’t really have a plan, what should we do?” I said “thanks so much for attempting to make this date but it won’t work out” and got back out of the car. Harsh? Maybe. But the future was clear– he knew for a week we were going out– so ya.

      • #1Snowflake

        @WIP cosign!

        Basically last Friday I got in the car with this guy for a first date and I looked great- when I saw his T-shirt and cargo pants and he said “well I just don’t really have a plan, what should we do?” I said “thanks so much for attempting to make this date but it won’t work out” and got back out of the car. Harsh? Maybe. But the future was clear– he knew for a week we were going out– so ya.

  • Loving Me

    I hate unsolicited d!ck pics!! Although I do know a few women who enjoy them, I’ve just never understood the point of it plus there’s nothing attractive about a random penis standing at attention or relaxed, either way they’re not attractive outside of bedroom (or bathroom, kitchen, couch, etc) activities. I wish all men would understand that and also understand that if they are going to send me a picture of their little friend all willy nilly without regard for my eyes or sanity, I will show said picture to my friends while discussing any shortcomings they may have

    • life_is_beauty

      couldnt have said it better myself!

      (btw…yay! this is my first comment on VSB)

    • Malik

      ” I wish all men would understand that and also understand that if they are going to send me a picture of their little friend all willy nilly without regard for my eyes or sanity, I will show said picture to my friends while discussing any shortcomings they may have”

      Is this a challenge?

  • ShardeMarie

    My mother and I just had a conversation about the d*ck pic phenomenon and she came up with a brilliant idea. The next time a man sends a penis to my inbox (or asks for a picture of my own caramel goodies) I’m going to send him a picture of a vagina mid child birth.

    Reciprocity

    • Todd

      Well, I’m not most dudes. That pic would tell me 2 things: 1) I need to wrap it up and 2) I know you can get it in with enough lube. Considering I must find you somewhat attractive if I got your number, I’d text you 2 words in response: “Let’s rock!” I’d then go out to acquire condoms and get it moving from there. :)

    • Dione

      I do that. For me, I hate “Send me a pic” even more than I would dislike the unsolicited dick pic. So I google “diseased penis” and send one of those results. Works every time (aka I never hear from the guy again).

    • Dione

      I do that. For me, I hate “Send me a pic” even more than I would dislike the unsolicited dick pic. So I google “diseased penis” and send one of those results. Works every time (aka I never hear from the guy again).

      Also, love the picture. He got it at Jared FTW!

  • http://thatswhatgemsaid.wordpress.com Gem Jones

    say muthafuggin WORD to all 5 things!!!!!!!!

    i have nothing to add at this time. good job.

  • http://iamyourpeople.com I Am Your People

    1:00 am? Were your technical difficulties cause by not ‘falling back’ for Daylight savings time?

  • naturalista88

    I’m a random, last minute kind of girl so planned dates don’t really excite me; as long as we both enjoy ourselves (and no one gets arrested and/or left behind somewhere). I must agree on the tongue-in-ear thing; had an ex do that to me once and I just about kicked that fool off of me. I don’t want to feel like some slimy creature is crawling inside my ear, gross.

  • LA2DC & hating it

    Had to Google D.Wade’s Jersey number lol.

    You hit the hammer on the nail!

    1.Although I have never received a peen pic., I hope I never do.
    2.This is always an awkward question for me, I hate answering and I feel like no one is really honest, and that might be for the best.
    3.Ear to tongue- I hate that and it reminds me of that overzealous dog your neighbor has that licks people in the face.
    4.There needs to be a plan, I hate looking lost and all “tourisity” on a date lol. Guys who have a plan get a red mushroom or gold star in the game of dating.

    • Kidsister

      I had to google Wade’s # too…lol