The Universal “He Fine”/”He Ain’t Shit” Matrix » VSB

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The Universal “He Fine”/”He Ain’t Shit” Matrix

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Twice in the last 24 hours, I’ve received a link to a video about the so-called “Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix.” The video features a guy who looks like he wants to sell you Windows 98, telling audiences “everything a young man needs to know about women.” It’s a self-developed theory based on dude’s “46 years of living on the earth,” according to the video.

Basically, he draws out the first quadrant axis, with the X representing a scale of 1 to 10 of a woman’s attractiveness and a 4 to 10 scale on the Y access to designate how “crazy” a woman is. By this man’s logic, all women are a least a four. He goes on from there to illustrate what combination of X and Y represents the various types of women, including the No Goes, Danger Zones, Fun Zones, and wife types.

So, I watched this video, and laughed and whatever, but then I started thinking: What would be the universal matrix with which to evaluate and rank men? Walk with me, dear readers. Walk with me.

I present to you the “Universal Fine/He Ain’t Shit Matrix.” Following the same premise of the video linked above, the Fine/Ain’t Shit Matrix is based on the lived experiences of me and mines, brought to you through a tribunal of GChats, iMessages and E-Mail threads. Here are our findings:

Looking at the chart from top to bottom, every man clocks in at 5 or more on the Ain’t Shit scale, but this scale is out of 10. Why? Because I said so. There are plenty of things that can account for a man being raggedy, among them all the qualities listed in the TLC opus “No Scrubs,” or the Destiny’s Child cult classic “Bills, Bills, Bills,” in addition to just lying for stupid reasons like not wanting to hurt your feelings, because obviously, you are made of glass and will break at the sound of the truth.

Also, depending on age, evaluate his priors (stints in jail, an ex-wife, etc.). Does he evade commitment like the plague? Is he fathering a small tribe someplace? Does he spend a smidge too much time on a game console? Take too long to make plans? Are his shoes run-over? If you’re having trouble trying to rate him fairly, consider the worst story a man’s most recent ex could tell you about this man, and go from there.

Now, by contrast, there is the “He Fahn” scale, which is pretty easy to evaluate. A fine man really needs no true evaluation, but I’ma give you some things to consider. This part operates on a scale of 1 to 10.

Does he have a beard? [Check.] Has that beard graced the innermost parts of your upper thigh? [*Raises glass*] Does he smell like promises kept? [Double check.] Are his hands manicured and does the touch of his palm feel like hard work and a retirement savings plan? When you look up at this man, does he make you wanna stand a little taller? How deep is his speaking voice? Does the sunlight dance on his shoulders in the summertime? Can he fix shit? Did you catch yourself gasping the first time you saw him in a suit? Does he know when to STFU? Does he know the gentle ways to yield you to silence?

If any of these things are true, go’n and add a point to that man’s rubric. These are just the things that bring joy to my heart, but I’m sure there are many more I’m leaving out and/or not saying because ya’ll don’t need to know me like that.

Similar to our pocket protector-wearing friend up top, I’ma tell you/show you how to look at the data.

The chart above is pretty self explanatory. Anybody in that yellow section? Nope. The green? Also obvious. If you can find a fine man that doesn’t give you too many headaches? You’re a winner and I salute you. These are rare breeds. Procreate with that man. The aint shittery is pretty high amongst the fine ones because their looks and overly permissive women have taken them where their manners, personality, and common sense have failed them.

Which is why you have to be careful in what I like to call the “Dickmatized” area, which is sometimes mistaken for love, and sometimes a combination of lust and loneliness and familiarity. Yeah, I said it. And yes, as you can see, it’s completely possible to be dickmatized over someone who is clocking in at a 5 on looks. You know, the one you either didn’t like, or at least had initial reservations about, but you kept saying, “I don’t know, there’s something about him…” In fact, those might be the most dangerous types to get hooked on because they’re unassuming and you’ll be caught off guard. Suddenly, it’s 8 p.m. on a Sunday and you’re calling saying stupid things like “Oh, I was just in your area,” when you know damn well you’re at home ironing clothes for work tomorrow.

Men who hit a 7 or above in the Ain’t Shit meter will try your last nerve and the exhaust your last bit of patience, but the packaging (pun) of those in this category will keep you coming back. It’s usually the corny ass jokes, which retrospect always tells us weren’t that damn funny. Stay alert, lest you find yourself dominating text message convos, cooking for negroes who don’t have groceries in their homes, or crying over a man that isn’t your boyfriend and probably has an ain’t shit name like Anthony or Chris.

Immediately above that area is the “GTFOH” zone. If you find yourself, for whatever reason, in this area, abort the mission and pray for safe keeping. Anyone who comes in over a 7 on the ain’t shit meter is not to be fooled with. These people rarely change and will likely not ever never ever bring goodness to your life space. Notice their proximity to the men out here dickmatizing folks? It’s a slippery slope. They come to your home with empty hands and empty stomachs. They do not rejoice in the Gospel of Pussy Prosperity (shoutout to @FilthyCharm) and will pillage the sanctity of your residence for all it’s worth with neither remorse nor second thought. Run, girl. You in danger.

In the sleeper section of the chart you’ll see a quiet corner I like to call “The Work Zone.” Ideally, you could meet a dude who fits the bill here and roll him over into The Winner’s Circle. Honestly, that’s what Beyonce’s “Upgrade You” was all about. The Work are good dudes who have ain’t shit tendencies by way of being men, but are pretty good on the eyes and ears. Also note how crafty those dickmatizing folks are and how easily the lines can get blurred.

Here is my testimony, as I (and my friends) have lived it. Make smart choices.

Maya Francis

Maya K. Francis is a culture writer and communications strategy consultant. When not holding down the Black Girl Beat for VSB, she is a weekly columnist for Philadelphia Magazine's "The Philly Post" and contributes to other digital publications including xoJane, Esquire, and EBONY.com. Sometimes TV and radio producers are crazy enough to let her talk on-air, and she helped write a book once. She cites her mother and Whitley Gilbert as inspirations.

  • Oh My Jesus! I have no words. LMFAO

  • Ok I found some words. I have been dickmatized one too many times and I wish this chart was around 2.5 years ago.

    • Does the dude who did the dickmatizing teach classes? I figure that it would be useful for national security purposes and allowing me to have women actually cook, clean and help raise a child. :)

    • Does the dude who did the dickmatizing teach classes? I figure that it would be useful for national security purposes and allowing me to have women actually cook, clean and help raise a child. :)

      • :-( It does. I was doing allladat for 2 years. SMH lol

  • Damon Young

    I shared this with Maya already, but although it’s shading the hell out of my gender, I have to say again that this was a very impressive post. Great picture, concept, and execution. Good job, Grasshopper.

    • DG

      I agree…good a$$ post. I might’ve felt some kinda way if my name was Anthony or Chris, tho.

      • Maya K. Francis

        I forgot to include the Kevins, too.

        • DG

          Lol…well d@mn, that’s a lot of “ain’t sh#tness” going around. I personally know a ton of dudes named Chris, Kevin, or Tony (got one of each in my family).

          • Maya K. Francis

            Bonus points on the “Ain’t Sh*t” side if he goes by “Ant.”

            • Yoles

              YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

              TRUTH

              *runs away as fast as i can*

            • Sylqué

              This is so much truth I just had to shake my head. So much truth.
              *rocks backnfof in my pew*

        • msjai

          don’t forget the Shaun’s on the dickamatized and ain’t ishness meters

          • JA

            Yehhhhhhhhs on the Shauns, Seans however they spell that sucka. Run Girl!!!! You in a danger for real

    • Maya K. Francis

      Thank you, sensei. *e-hugs*

  • Sahel

    Hehe,this is going to be an amusing day of declarations of how the D lead women down the yellow brick road. And if anyone has found a unicorn,send it to Sahel Labs for immediate gene splicing and replication

    • Um…they don’t rely on gene splicing anymore. I can do some SNP analysis for rare variants, then go for some whole genome sequencing and full proteomic screen with HPLC-MS to confirm. Then, we can start drugging women with hormones and other pharmaceuticals. :D

  • Tx10inch

    *Scans diagram, shakes head…looks one mo ginn to be sure* Yep, you’ve seemed to miss the catergory “Mold of Man” That would be a combo of “ain’t shit” (below 3), “Damn he fahn” (solid 10) and “dickmatized” (10 plus plus). Shouldn’t most men from Tx belong here? #speaklife

    • Maya K. Francis

      “Below a 3?” Does not compute.

      • miss t-lee

        TX is lying his a** off talking about below 3.

      • panamajackson

        It’s okay though…there are no such things as below 4 women either.

        • Maya K. Francis

          There are. They’re called “pushovers.”

          • Boo Radley

            Or “West Virginians.”

    • Londa

      If we apply the logic of the Windows 98 salesmen, anyone below 3 in the “ain’t shit” department and super high on the “fahn” scale is a unicorn. Or, else “he’s” a woman.

      • Boo Radley

        On the surface, yes. But I’ve seen d queens so fierce that I was literally shocked to find they had a Y chromosome, but have never seen a butch female look so convincingly male that you are shocked to learn otherwise. There’s something about the essence of womanhood that leaves a trace…

    • Boo Radley

      “Shouldn’t most men from Tx belong here?” No.

      • Tx10inch

        Booooooo Radley.

        • Boo Radley

          Dude, I’m from Mo. City–you can’t beat me repping TX or Houston. But I draw the line at fallacy and delusion.

  • miss t-lee

    Rod and that hot-crazy matrix chart…like whet?
    Then he had the nerve to ask ladies in the “wife zone” to message him.
    Good luck with that dawg..lol

    Back to the above chart…that dyckmatized section?
    So accurate.

  • *sits with that Drake after he heard Control face*

    I’m about ain’t that ain’t sh t and about a 5.3 on the fine scale so Ima chill in this work zone and listen to Skee Lo

    • Hey, I’m in the work zone, I suppose. That said, every time I’m around my daughter with women, and they aren’t trying to play substitute mommy, they try to get that Black History Month hum going. Like broad, I ain’t that special, and if you think that I am (and I think you’re hot), well…you want this pipe? :)

    • I’m at the corner of nawl, work zone, dickmatized, and gtfoh.

      • Maya K. Francis

        You should come with a warning label :-/

        • I grow on you. :)

          • Maya K. Francis

            Oooh. Thats D-voodoo speak. NOAP. I rebuke in The Name.

            • Nah, hail Satan. I need to grow on some women. I Have A Dream…A Dream that One Day my daughter will have a mother that’s worth sh*t and will give me a night or two off to go catch a game and play video games. I have a dream one day…

              • Can you comment without shade? Lol I am wondering if this is a thing you are capable of.

                • Alright, alright. Lemme let go of this bitterness. Just had a rough week. :)

                  • Rachmo

                    Yeah it’s Friday. Lighten up. *throws you a paleo muffin*

                    • Thanks…and thank you for remembering. *eats muffin in peace*

                    • *adds paleo muffin to the list of names of fake bands that I’m in.*

                    • Rachmo

                      HAHA

                  • Heck, I lost my wallet this week. I’m salty as all the tears and the oceans today. Lol

                    • IcePrincess

                      Dang to, sorry to hear that. My bf is waiting for one of his cards to come in the mail now, and it’s taking forever. Good luck & God speed!

                • if VSB was a TV show, Todd would be the character you never know who’s side he’s on

                  • Do I come off that off the wall? And if so, can I get a tux, some high waters and some white socks and walk around doing en pointes and squealing? I think that would work for interviews.

                • Wild Cougar

                  He’s forever bitter, just pat him on the head and keep rolling.

              • Maya K. Francis

                “I need to grow on some women.” Like mold? Lol.

                • rood.

                • miss t-lee

                  Fungus.

                • Wild Cougar

                  *deceased

            • *looks out into vss land* listen I’m very endearing when I’m not being an a**hole.

              • Maya K. Francis

                Self-admitted a**holes exist on the brink of D-voodoo and work. And I round up as a matter of self-care.

                • Well I’m like a very well intentioned kind hearted loving a**hole.more because I’m self involved and oblivious versus being malicious

                  • Rachmo

                    That is thee worst kind. I went THROUGH it with someone similar to you last January.

                    • LMNOP

                      Nah, the worst kind is the sadistic azzholes, who are mean just because they enjoy making people suffer. There’s some scary azz motherfvckers out there.

                  • Medium Meech

                    I can kind of relate to that, I’m more oblivious-introspective though. Or oblivious and empathic, kind of miss the forest for the trees with girls, it’s weird. Funny thing is, girls either think I’m the safest guy ever or the devil incarn.

                    • camilleblu

                      I’d prolly go with the latter -_-

              • Heavens2Murgatroid

                I see nothing wrong with being a nice guy with jerk tendencies. (I’m always a day late when it comes to the good topics)

    • Rachmo

      According to the video I was in the “Danger Zone,” and am now in the “Fun Zone.” I’m pretty sure if I make more of an effort I can get to that “Wife Zone”!

      • now i have to watch the video to see what you’re talking about….thanks obama

        • Rachmo

          Haha the matrix is a bit skewed but it is pretty funny/mostly true

      • 300 sandwiches, sister. It WORKS. -_-

        • Rachmo

          Bae and I joke that I’m making him 300 burritos bc we ain’t sh*t

          • ED

            Two people being one in their ain’t shytness leads to great things. Trust me, I know.

          • IcePrincess

            Mmmmmm…..burritos. Definitely the way to MY heart

        • Hello Ms. Dara:
          Interestingly enough, I was discussing the 300 Sandwiches Sista elsewhere; it was noted that who she was making sandwiches *for*, and a question emerged as to whether anyone could think up an analogy where the recipient was a Brotha.

          None could be found.

          There have been entire manuals written by “Swirling” experts, on how to go about attracting a White Man – among the strongest points being, that those Sistas so inclined, must:

          1. Lose weight

          2. Lose the attitude

          3. Cultivate sumbmissiveness/femininity

          These manuals make no bones about these matters; and again raises real questions as to whether such analogs could be cited with regard to Black Men.

          I can think of none.

          Can you?

          O.

          • Good morning! I decline to answer any of your questions today because I’m really in a trash mood and I don’t care. I hope somebody answers your inquiries. But today ain’t it for me.

            It’s not you, but it’s you. Sorry.

            • Ms. Dara,
              No offence taken; all my life I have asked questions, and all my life I have gotten replies like yours. I am quite used to it by now.

              Have a salvagable Friday.

              O.

            • Rachmo
          • Meh, some women figure it out. Ironic points of light flash out where ever the just broadcast their messages. Besides, I got bigger fish to fry that whether sisters are feminine enough.

            • Mr. Todd,
              At the risk of sounding impertinent, I have found that you tend to take a dismissive tone or stance whenever I bring up pressing inquiries along these lines; a kind of “don’t worry, be happy” line pops into my head when reading your responses, and I freely admit that it bothers me. Mostly because I do not think it serves Black Men well to have such a dismissive view of things. We have the highest rates of hypertension and high blood pressure, and it is my personal view this is BECAUSE we are not vocal enough, nor serious enough, about things like this.

              The 300 Sandwiches Sista garnered national fame and in some ways, was a precursor to the current #WomenAgainstFeminism campaign that is going strong, and it simply cannot be ignored that she is in an IR relationship that she is working hard to convert into a marriage with a White Man. It also cannot be simply brushed aside the facts I have noted above – or that there are precious few Sistas involved in the #OrangeRoom discussion. These are raise real questions that are not served well by aping Bobby McFerrin.

              They require the deference they so rightly deserve.

              And so do we Brothas.

              O.

              • I think the emphasis isn’t on Be Happy but Don’t Worry. The more I talk to women in general, the more I realize that so many of them are mad for reasons that ain’t got sh*t to do with me. Asking a woman to fix her issues for my sake is a Sisyphean task. I’d rather take a note of them women who, by virtue of their issues, have taken themselves out of my line of fire and focus on the sane(r) ones.

                One of the wonders of Game is that it forces a woman to lay her cards on the table. If they’re worthwhile, then I can work with her to be more feminine if she isn’t already. If her cards show that being more feminine will remind her of the time her mama whipped her tail at 11 for wearing lipstick, I’m doing the dip.

                Sometimes, apathy is the smartest thing you can do.

                • Rachmo

                  Aaaaaaaaaand we’re >here<

                • Mr. Todd,
                  Whichh seems to be the default setting of far too many Brothas.

                  I take a differing view.

                  Interstingly enough, some would say that Game itself focuses on the very kinds of Women you seek to avoid – among them, none other than one Mr. Tucker Max himself, who said as much during a recent interview with UPenn’s Scott Barry Kaufman. Hmm.

                  Also, given that it is now a commonly accepted fact that some 25% of American Women aged 40 and above are taking antidepressants and the like, the number of “saner” ladies is an increasingly shrinking pool…

                  O.

                  • I’ll take the shrinking pool thanks. Remember, we only have one peen, so why waste it on a loon, especially at my advanced age. It’s also interesting you’ve mentioned the focus of Game on the women I seek to avoid, mainly because I use it to subtly diagnose what I’m dealing with, then act according to my personal standards. On the flip side, I’ve also see the PUA scene referred to say CBT In Dudespeak. Meh…whatever.

                    • Mr. Todd,
                      By definition, that means someone will be left holding the bag of cray-cray ladies, LOL.

                      At any rate, just for kicks a little while back I took a bit of time out to research what the dating life was like for folks over 50. I began with a perusal of the AARP website, to see what it had to say on the matter. I suppose it should go without saying, that it wasn’t an easy read. I can certainly see why some older folks choose to opt out of here altogether. It is not a pretty sight.

                      I agree with you in that Game can and does have a wide array of appplications, and do not necessarily subscribe to the view that it solely attracts “damaged goods gals” – it, like the attempts to dismiss it as “just a Dudebro spin on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” , speak more to what Panama himself said a few days back – that it seems to be very difficult for us humans to dispassionately discuss matters pertaining to mating. That it seems inevitable that people will “get in their feelings” about it, something that I find personally, to be counterproductive.

                      O.

                  • Ms TLC

                    “the number of “saner” ladies(men in my case) is an increasingly shrinking pool…”

                    Quality over quantity.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      It would be awesome though if there was tons of high quality.

                    • Ms TLC

                      LOL, I understand that. If nothing more than to have lots of cool, fun dating experiences. I get the logic that “quantity” increases your odds of finding a suitable mate, but there are other factors that way more than shear numbers.Too many people are weird A-holes, I dont want to waste no time on them…drama is NOT fun to me.

                    • Epsilonicus

                      I just wish it was not an either or. It was more of a both/and situation.

                    • Heavens2Murgatroid

                      The more you date, the more you will get exposed to all kinds of “quality”, and most of us aren’t built for that kind (and amount) of exposure. Even though we convince ourselves otherwise. Quantity never looks good on anybody’s dating resume.

                    • Hello Ms. TLC,
                      While I can appreciate your opinion, there are two things that should be pointed out:

                      1. What I said with regard to American Women aged 40+ is not a matter of personal opinion, but of documented fact. Mental and emotional health disorders and the like are indeed rising among the American female population, with the aforementioned cohort seeing a documented rise in the prescription of varying pallatives to address them. This is a very serious issue when it comes to matters of mating for the American Men of this same age cohort – one that cannot, nor should not, be blithely swept under a rug; and

                      2. There are no corresponding figures when it comes to American Men (yet), unless one wishes to take suicide into account, and in that case, Women aren’t involved in their lives at any rate. Moreover, “quantity” DOES matter – as I said to Todd, the simple math bears out the fact that someone’s going to be stuck holding the bag with the Cray Ladies in it. Not a happy camper, to be sure.

                      Numbers matter.

                      So do documented facts.

                      O.

                    • Ms TLC

                      I’m not trying to settle down with multiple men, just one. The only time quantity matters, imo, is in the actual act of DATING…meeting cool people to do cool things with no expectation (YET) on where its going.

                      But then my dating pool (from my vantage point at least) has never been large, as I have a visible physical disability. That’s not chexy to MOST people, which is ok by me…the last thing I would ever want is sympathy dates or someone settling…GASP the horror!! LOL!

      • Obligatory Kenny Loggins video…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK0P1Bk8Cx4

    • T.Q. Fuego

      Ha! Skee-lo was my ninja way back in the day! That was the first CD I purchased at the age of 8. D*mn you just took me back. “Wish I was a little bit taller, wish I was a baller” Couldn’t tell me that song was corny back then lol

  • This has the potential to be a fascinating day.

  • Freebird

    Nope. Not taking the bait. Brilliant post. Hillarious video. I call it a draw. These gender wars….aint nobody winning. Where the day party at?

    • Aly

      *sits next to Freebird and sips a mimosa*

      • Freebird

        *Daps Aly, sipping spiked Arnold Palmer, while listening to SchoolBoy Q*

      • Freebird

        V you in here too?

        *moves over and passes val a mimosa*

        • Val

          Aaah, thanks. :-)

    • Women too scary for the full potential to be realized. Sort of like Gohan post Cell saga.

  • You forgot two things. One, what variable or variables describe ain’t sh*t-ness, for lack of a better term? Two, you forgot the part at the end where dude talks about a woman being 10 hot and less than 4 crazy. I figure the man equivalent is a well-dressed stud who’s packing. At least with that, you can switch up the D any which was you want. ;-)

    Though I am wondering about this one woman in particular. While the other ones are for fun, this one is…I’m not sure what her drill is. LOL

    • Maya K. Francis

      Oh, Todd. That wasn’t an omission. There’s just no such thing. Lol.

      As for variable that describe ain’t shitness, there are several, some of which I alluded to in the post. But it’s also a feeling. Woman’s intuition is a natural detector for this.

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