The Trailer For Same Kind Of Different As Me Is Exactly Why White People Must Be Stopped
When the Gods decide to show favor to us, it is a sin not to rejoice and exult in your fortune. It is also necessary that when given this unexpected bout of grace, its shared so that others can receive and partake in the good. So when Dolezal, the Goddess of Post-Racial Fuckshit, decided to descend from the heavens and bless me with the trailer for Same Kind of Different as Me, it became my mortal duty to share it with you.
So please, go and watch it. I implore you to do so.
Marvel at Renee Zellweger’s unplaceable accent, which exists between “an impression of Jimmy Fallon doing an impression of Dolly Parton doing an impression of Frank Underwood” and “Scarlett O’Hara after a particularly intense vape session.” Witness Greg Kinnear, with his stupid Greg Kinnear glasses and stupid Greg Kinnear Eddie Bauer sweaters and stupid Greg Kinnear faces, achieve a level of caucasity that hasn’t been seen since the third season of Friends. Pay close attention to Djimon Hounsou expertly vacillating between “Peak Unchained Nigga” and “Peak Wise Nigga With No Education Who Saves These Silly White People From Themselves” and “Peak Magical Negro” and “Peak Black Guy Who Needs A New Barber.” Listen to some of the Fisher Price: My First Slave-ass words that come out of his mouth. Focus on Jon Voight, who I’m 1000 percent certain was totally paid in cash to grow that Unabomber beard and do this movie. Learn that this calamitous clamor of 180 proof White guilt was actually a book too. Laugh your fucking ass off when saying the name of this movie aloud to yourself. And then say the full name of the book the movie was based on — Same Kind of Different As Me: A Modern-Day Slave, an International Art Dealer, and the Unlikely Woman Who Bound Them Together (seriously, that’s the full title) — and die. And then, when done dying, go and read Stuart Heritage’s hilarious piece on it at The Guardian, and die again.
And then, reflect on the thought process of the people making this movie. Ask yourself why (capital letter) White People feel a need to continue making this movie. Then ask yourself how no one in the process of making this movie thought to stop everyone and say “Doesn’t this movie feel like a long-ass Key & Peele skit?” Think about Hounson saying “Well…I’m gonna hafta dink about dat” at the 1:03 mark. And then remember that someone actually wrote that line down on paper. And wrote it again in Final Draft or some other script writing software. That line was brainstormed. That line went through gotdamn rewrites.
And then join me when it’s finally released, because I’m seeing this shit on the first day.