The Three Types Of Men You Will Date, Based On The Black Guys In Captain America: Civil War » VSB

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The Three Types Of Men You Will Date, Based On The Black Guys In Captain America: Civil War

Marvel Studios

 

Last weekend, I dusted off my sweatpants and trekked to the movies to see the latest Marvel Cinematic Adventure. It was a good comic book movie. Great even. I normally have a hard time sitting in a dark room for over two hours without taking at least one solid nap but I am proud to say that this ragtag group of superheroes had my rapt attention while I was enjoy a $5 Popeyes box.*

I’m not here to spoil plot points. I fully understand that not everyone has seen it yet. (Although I’d like to note that I am firmly #TeamBuckyBeTRIPPINGDawg.) That said, I don’t think I’m ruining anything by pointing out that there are not one, not two, but three Black men who take prominent rolls on the silver screen. To have three fully fleshed out Black characters on the a movie that serve more of a role than “Black guy who only exists when White people need things without any discussed internal motivations” is kind of a big deal and we should all give it its just due.

One thing they didn’t highlight, however, is their personal lives. At minimum we know that one of the three Superheroes dates Black women; what would it be like if they all did?** What kind of men are they outside of their Superhero shenanigans? And how would they mirror the men I meet in line at Popeyes?

1. Sam Wilson/Falcon

falcon

Former athlete that can’t let go of his glory days, so he’s the most insufferable person in every work intramural league. Could have been in “the league” if his knee didn’t blow out his junior year of high school. Refers to current athletes that he may have ran into once during Pop Warner/AAU with the familiarity of someone who’s actual friends with them. Signs up for Spartan Runs year round. Wants to find the love of his life in a Crossfit box. Drops and does 10 push-ups before every photo.

2. War Machine

war machine

Dude that talks a big game but ultimately is middle management. Takes a lot of photos at big fancy galas with people who are way more important than him. Falls inline with whatever’s on the TPS report but pretends he’s thought it over and it’s the most reasonable decision to make. Says stuff like “you don’t understand until you been through it” and rattles off memorized statements about the significance of history and legacy and service when all you asked was why there were still grown men strolling at Happy Hour. Has a “nonstandard” MLK quote as a signature to all of his emails. Thinks J. Cole is underrated. Wants someone to go to “Nerd Prom” with.

3. T’Challa/Black Panther

black panther

First generation dude with wealthy parents and went to elite international private schools with far better resources than their American counterparts. Talks a lot of shit with the credentials to back it up. Consistently presumes himself to be the smartest person in the room. Expresses befuddlement as to why “you Americans” do things a certain way approximately once a week. Insists his country makes the best Jollof. Relaxes in the back of Afrobeats party with Johnnie Walker. His way or the highway at all times. Eternal question marks around his actual relationship status. Rumor is he has a girl in the Victoria Island section of Lagos (pronounced Lay-gos, not Lah-gos like in the movie), but you’ll never ask and he’ll never tell. Requires a woman with multiple degrees who will still make pounded yam and bear his children. Manchester City fan.

Which door would you pick? 1,2, or 3? Important note: while all of these men have their own very unique personalities and quirks they all share one thing in common (besides consistently coming together to save the Earth from pending extinction that is): a highly questionable relationship with their barbers.

*Don’t judge – the movie ticket was TWENTY TWO AMERICAN DOLLARS – I was entitled to a spicy two-piece and a biscuit.

**Listen, I don’t read comics, nor do I plan to — so maybe they all got girlfriends named Toya; I wouldn’t know either way. Work with me here.

Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • AnswerMe

    Ohhh the accuracy.

  • IsitFridayyet?

    So, War Machine is a Diva Dude.

    • A.G.

      Her description made me think of him as a hotep. Lol.

  • Sparger

    Also worth noting 2 black women had actual lines. They were on the screen for a combined 30 seconds. Progress.

    • Shaaaaaade

    • Wakanda bodyguard and who else?

      • Sparger

        Alfre Woodard was the unnamed mom of a young man killed during an Avengers mission. She stood by the elevators and made Tony Stark feel bad about killing her baby boy.

        • Her character was, Miriam Sharpe.

          • Sparger

            I don’t remember her name being said in the movie. Was it just in the credits?

            • Yes. She was adapted from the comics from a white character who lost a kid in the incident that sparked everything.

          • Thanks. How could I forget Ms. Woodard! How does one side eye one’s own self?

            • brothaskeeper

              *holds up mirror*

    • Cleojonz

      I guess we have the actual Black Panther movie to look forward to for more.

  • How about I’m #3…lmao
    My husband is any of these..ironically..lol

    Even with this dope piece… I have no desire to see it.. I’m only going because these brothers are in it.

  • That last line, thuogh. Haaaahaaahaa. Seriously, find a super barber and edge my dudes up.

    • TheCollinB

      I’m telling you the black barbers on set are morticians b. You only see those type of cuts when you’re laying someone’s uncle to rest. RIP, no disreseck

  • A.G.

    Y’all think War Machine could have a standalone film?

    • Sparger

      no. He is as dull as dishwater.

    • Chasing White women and drinking martini’s maybe… Oh my God, he’s James Bond.

    • Epsilonicus

      Maybe with different writers

      • A.G.

        I really meant to say, with Cheadle as WM.

        • Epsilonicus

          Cheadle has the acting chops

    • Cheadle could do it on the screen but It would be interesting but I only think he’s had a stand alone book for a few issues. He can interesting character in the comics (I mean Obama just offered him the job of Secretary of Defense to groom him to be the next black president) but I think the reaper may be coming for him.

    • TheCollinB

      Remember when war machine was imposed to be Lucious Lyon…..i’da paid 22 American dollars to see that sh*t

      • A.G.

        Yeah, Terrence Howard is more built physically. Too bad he got greedy.

      • brothaskeeper

        Not I. The shake-talking makes me wince, and you gotta be confident when you’re doing battle with Ultron’s minions.

    • mr. steal your costco samples

      I thought they were killing Tony and putting in WM as basically ersatz Iron Man this time around but nooooooooooo

      • A.G.

        Tony will never die. Never.

        • Cleojonz

          I think Robert Downey is tapping out soon so they will either have to kill him, or get a replacement which would be weird.

          • brothaskeeper

            There’s too much money to be made. I think RDJ is working on billionaire status.

          • Lea Thrace

            LMD?

            • Cleojonz

              My nerd quotient is not that high, had to look this up. And yes for the storyline could be that, but would still have to look like him, no? Which would still mean RDJ involvement and I don’t want think he wants to do these movies that much longer.

              • Lea Thrace

                ehh, they could stretch it and do a consciousness thing with a different outward facing look?

    • Buster Cannon

      He took over Iron Man’s position in the comics for a short time (when Tony was in his alcoholism phase), but his personality doesn’t really stand out enough to think he could pull it off. Cheadle’s a good actor, I just think the character himself doesn’t have anything that jumps out as being interesting.

      • Kas

        Agreed

    • Pretty easily honestly with Cheadle. Thematically it could feel like a retread of Winter Soldier though.

  • mr. steal your costco samples

    I love T’Challa, but I imagine a spouse would get tired of “as a warrior and a king, do you think I’m going to be that dude going to Walmart to pick up diapers?”

    • Lmao

    • Storm ain’t playing that ish.

      • TheCollinB

        They made such a dope couple to me man. Marvel dropped the ball with that divorce.

        • Epsilonicus

          Thats real life tho

        • Never liked them together. It was to forced.

          • I agree with this. Marvel just found the two most well known black superheroes and married them. I hope to *not* see that foolishness if Black Panther goes trilogy style.

        • Buster Cannon

          I’m glad that the movie version of Black Panther isn’t as ice cold as the comic version:

          http://i.imgur.com/ngjA8u9.jpg

          Really bro?

          • Bruh, that was the coldest ish ever but please acknowledge Wolverine’s clean-up game.

          • High Priest of the Panther Clan!? That wasn’t a legal marriage.

          • Evil Genius

            LMAO T’Challa throws made shade in the comics i’ve been reading his comics since he 90’s he has the best one line hand grenades ever. You dont fuq with the Kind of the Dead bro lmao! #blacknerdgroup

            • America Chavez clowned him during the last issue of the Ultimates.

          • outlyer06

            so why did they divorce?

            • plot required it because the awful Civil War event. The marriage was just as contrived considering they barely had spent any time together in the previous 40 years of comics to warrant any sort of attraction to each other beyond physical.

              • jazzypom

                Storm/Forge were my OTP. I regret nothing. Save how it ended, and the next (last?) time they saw each other, Forge was batsh!t crazy and bitter.

        • Could you imagine a loving Black couple running around saving the world? It was too much to bear.

          • TheCollinB

            Who could be a legitimate Storm actress wise these days?

            • There’s always Lupita. Megan Good was dope in Minority Report. Then there’s whats-her-name from Sleepy Hollow.

              • Epsilonicus

                Megan Good definitely did well in Minority Report. I was surprised.

              • TheCollinB

                Nah, Lupita ain’t it. Storm was always bad af. Lupita is not Storm bad.

                • Michelle

                  Lupita gives off “Girl Next Door/your kid sister” vibes for me.

              • Nicole Beharie. Short women represent!

              • Kas

                Megan Good?

                • Epsilonicus

                  yup

              • I like Megan Good as a choice. I’d watch that!

                • Gbadebo

                  Nope, nope, nope…..she is beautiful and funny, but don’t think she has the “serious/leader” chops to pull it off

              • if you need someone to be buxom and beautiful Meagan is a good choice. otherwise naw.

                • Kas

                  That was my thinking.

                • SororSalsa

                  And not a very good actress?

            • Cleojonz

              There already is a new one. X-Men Apocalypse coming out next weekend with Alexandra Shipp as Storm:

              http://www.ign.com/articles/2016/05/20/storm-actress-interested-in-appearing-in-new-mutants-and-more-x-men-movies

              • Sparger

                I’m betting she will be just as useless as Halle Berry was in the other Xmen movies.

                • Cleojonz

                  I agree. This is the same girl that was in that horrible Drumline sequel.

                  • Kas

                    There was a sequel?!!!!

                  • And in Wendy Williams’ HORRIBLE lifetime Aaliyah movie.

                    • Cleojonz

                      I refused to put my eyes on that.

                    • Be glad you didn’t. I love Wendy but I was just like GIRL. GIRL. NO.

              • brothaskeeper

                ……

              • outlyer06

                not feelin her as storm at all……but i feel like berry was miscast also. truthfully outside of maybe hugh jackman the entire x movies were miscast

                • Cleojonz

                  I thought Berry was miscast as well. In my mind’s eye even when I was reading the comic books way back when I always thought it should be Iman.

                  • Michelle

                    For me, Grace Jones.

                    • I’d pay good money to see that…that would be amazing!

                    • Akhibrass

                      That choice was just too obvious for Hollywood. Though, they needed a younger actress so if Xmen came out in the 80’s Grace all the way.

                • Akhibrass

                  You think Patrick Stewart was miscast as Professor X?

                  • outlyer06

                    actually that was spot on…the new xavier since 1st class….not so much…ryan renolds latest deadpool was spot on also

            • Val

              Tessa Thompson

              • Too light-skinned Val. Storm is dark-skinned.

                • Val

                  Didn’t Halle Berry play storm?

                  • She shouldn’t have.Way too light.

                    • Val

                      So there are no lightskint comic characters?

                    • Not very many. There are more now then their used to be.

                    • Val

                      Okay, well how about Gabby Union or Teyonah Parris?

                    • I’m talking to my Mexican-American nerd BFF right now. We think the world needs to create a new person for Storm, lol!

                    • Yes.

                    • You know, Gabby got the attitude to pull off Storm. She’d be reading people the entire movie.

                  • Yes, and … it was bad casting. Understandable, because Halle was all we had at the time. But if you look at the comics, Storm is unequivocally a dark-skinned woman. Hollywood needs to stop playing with my childhood favorite.

                    • Val

                      But does Storm being darkskin have something to do with the storyline?

                    • Probably informs the character, yeah. X-Men is a Civil Right’s allegory. How deep do you want to get into it?

                    • Val

                      Okay, this is what I’m wondering. And mind you I’m not informed on comics at all. Did a White man create Storm? If so then what was his reason for Storm being darkskin? As in, in his mind’s eye are all Black people dark to him? Was Storm dark to make it clear that she’s Black in the comic? Why is her skintone an issue? I’m just curious.

                    • White men created Storm, yes. I’m not sure why they made her dark-skinned. I’m going to be optimistic and assume that because they debuted her in 1975 to make the X-men less male, they had altruistic reasons. She’s one of the most powerful characters, she’s beautiful, queenly, etc. They put their foot into it. BFF mentioned in my ear that … old school comic books are crazy. That might have been the color they just had available to them. You can’t ever know.

                      Why she should be dark-skinned in a Hollywood movie, well, I think you know already. I’m brown — night light or dark — and I can feel how hard it is out there for the dark-skinned actress. No need to rip this one away for no reason. They managed to find chocolate-skinned brothas for the black superheroes. Not sure why this has been so hard for Storm.

                      Keeping in mind that Storm is portrayed by a light-skinned black actress in the upcoming movie as well and Tessa Thompson, another light skinned beauty, is already tapped as the new love-interest for Thor, I think we should wonder why Black women are all light-skinned to Hollywood casting directors.

                    • Val

                      Thanks. I’m not advocating for her to be light, mind you. Just wondering why she has to be dark. Thanks for your response.

                    • No, I get what you’re asking. … I wish I had a deeper response to give you. Usually, I do. I just haven’t read enough X-Men comics or done enough research on those guys. Sorry. I will say that one of the issues I have with the early Storm comics is they are always trying to broach “issues” in the African American community with the black superheroes, which puts me off a little bit. Storm has to escape from Murderworld then she has to go after poverty and drugs in the black community????

                    • Buster Cannon

                      Yeah, that only works when it happens naturally. I liked how they handled it in Static Shock; he’s a kid in the hood with superpowers so those issues come up as a part of his life. For someone like Storm it doesn’t really work because that’s not who she is nor was it a part of her past. You can’t just take a black superhero and have them deal with issues that have nothing to do with their character.

                    • *Adds Static Shock to the reading list* I’m still very new to comics! Like a few months. I can’t believe I haven’t been doing this my whole life! I can’t imagine how awful high school would have been if I had.

                      Buster Cannon: what comic(s) would you suggest? I’m asking for a much cooler friend.

                    • Static is amazing.. you’ll love it.. at least I did

                    • Akhibrass

                      You should seek out the Blood Syndicate as well. Basically, everything Dwayne McDuffie did with Milestone.

                    • Akhibrass

                      As a black woman living in America I think these issues would have been a part of Storm character. Like Black Panther, once he came to study in the US, as a black student in the 70’s there was no way he could avoid the contemporary issues related to race. And once he became known to the world, it wasn’t a surprise that the black American community would latch on to him as “our hero”.

                    • And sorry for that preachy last paragraph, Val. It’s been on my mind since I read that Tessa Thompson was going to be the new love interest in Thor. It bothers me so much. I have a couple of dark-skinned girlfriends working on acting careers. And while I’m always *super* positive when I talk to them about their prospects, that mini-speech is always in the back of my head. All my black thoughts come out on VSB!

                    • Val

                      No problem. I understand completely. In fact that was sort of my point in wondering why Storm has to be dark. Like if a White man decided she was to be dark then is his bias excluding other Black actresses?

                      Which is obviously a completely different issue from the one you mention in which lightskinned actresses seem to get preference in Hollywood. Especially for certain roles.

                    • Speaking straight from my behind, I would say they were probably thinking darker is better from a representational standpoint. It was 1975, and we were all trying to put usually maligned black features on a pedestal (in public if not in private). And I get a whiff of Pan-Africanism from Storm’s backstory, so they seem to have been White men creating with a purpose and a little bit of research under their belt. The many black superheroes created by white men in the ’60s and ’70s are primarily dark-skinned probably for that reason.

                      This does exclude some black actresses, but that doesn’t bother me so much. Dark skinned actresses deserve the W. Plus, the Storm role is so exclusionary already. You have to be attractive, charismatic, thin, tall, built, able-bodied etc.

                    • Val

                      This! Katricia, this really gets to the core of what I was wondering. It was mainly their intent that I was questioning and your answer really makes since, especially considering this was back in the 70s at the tail-end of the Black Power movement.

                      Also, it’s still a thought that along with that the literal illustration of a Black person on paper would be easier to discern for some, White folks in particular, if she were dark. Especially since this was the first wave of Black characters, I’m assuming.

                    • Awesome! I did something today! To your second thought, my secret shame is that I sometimes mistake black characters for white in comic books, especially if they have straight hair and lighter skin. It really depends on the lighting in the panel and my life.

                    • Walker62

                      Actually Stan Lee penned this stuff in the early 60s.

                    • Val

                      Okay, Thanks. Enjoy your weekend!

                    • That’s just part of her character. Her dad is from Harlem and mom is Kenyan. So she’s always been portrayed as a very tall, beautiful, dark-skinned woman that usually makes an entrance accompanied by lightening. The white guys who created her allegedly based her on Lt. Uhura and a few other actresses.

                    • Walker62

                      Good god, REALLY!? You THAT color conscious that a women who won an OSCAR and stated unequivocally she was a proud BLACK woman that Halle was not good enough!? Damn

                    • If that was how casting worked, Meryl Streep would be Wonder Woman. Halle is great, but she shouldn’t be the only black actress in Hollywood allowed to shine.

                    • Walker62

                      Ok given that time frame what other women of color should have been selected? Honestly, the role of Storm was not all that significant anyway. Its a movie centers on Wolverine, Magneto, and the Professor.

                    • As I said before, there weren’t any alternate options. Halle was the only black actress with the star power to be in that film. And yes, the move centers the male characters. That’s another issue I have with the older X-men films. In the comics, Storm is a headlining character. Only in the movies is she a marginal character with unremarkable powers.

                    • Photoshop’s a helluva drug

                      Halle was a terrible Storm

            • brothaskeeper

              Danai Gurira. Maybe Rutina Wesley.

              • I’d love to see Rutina get more work, but Storm needs to be a taaaaallllll drink a water.

                • brothaskeeper

                  Rutina isn’t tall? Neither was Halle, though. Teyonah Parris? Sonequa Martin-Green? Keke Palmer? (Yes, Keke Palmer)

                  • SororSalsa

                    Teyonah Parris – definitely!

                    • FarbissinaPunim

                      Tika Sumpter?

                  • Darren Nesbitt

                    I was thinking Keke could play storm in some flashbacks.

            • Multi-Hundredaire

              Well, Angela Bassett still look like she ain’t a day over 35 anyway, so…..

            • troubleman

              The girl from chiraq and survivors remorse.

        • Brass Tacks

          They had her run back to the arms (read paynis) of Wolverine, If I remember correctly.

          Which was the only person whom T’Challa explicitly expressed any apprehension with her getting with.

          But a woman scorned.

        • There has to be a capable dark-skinned actress out there.

        • Mortal Man

          I honestly believe that most comic writers can’t write a good marriage because they either aren’t married or aren’t in a long term relationship.

          • TheCollinB

            Poignant

      • He dropped Storm like she was nothing. I love the character but in the comics he’s closer to what Sham described.

      • Furious Styles

        You win.

      • King Beauregard

        I’m a little worried about a grocery store that believes cereals and lotions should be stocked together.

    • Kas

      “Oh, so you got time and energy to save the world, but you don’t care enough to rub your Queens feet? ” . . . That’s why he’s never home.

    • God Shammgod

      Whew this took me out.

  • Alpha Man 06

    No Drake, Michael Ealy, Jesse Williams, Chris Brown, Barry O, or Steph Curry type of Black Guys to save the world or date, so must find a way to throw backdoor shade on three very talented Brothers, who all can actually act. I guess their hair lines are more important than the fact that a mainstream big budget superhero action movie actually had more than the token corny Brother in a blockbuster superhero movie playing second fiddle… Yes, you are entitled to a two piece spicy with a biscuit and fried okra served in the drive thru by Toya…All jokes aside, great article.

    • TheCollinB

      See: “this fuckin guy”

      • Alpha Man 06

        What’s the problem?

        • TheCollinB

          I can’t tell by the tone of your comment if you’re serious or not. If you are then the “this fuckin guy” statement stands. If it was a joke my bad G.

          • Kas

            I’m having the same problem up thread. I’m talking crazy because it’s Friday. He consigned and now I have to back away until I figure out if he’s serious.

          • Alpha Man 06

            No jokes, just prefer Church’s dark meat and fried okra….G.

            • TheCollinB

              *blinks wildly*

              • Kas

                I was hoping you knew, because I still don’t.

    • Damon Young

      i love lamp

      • Alpha Man 06

        Damon, although you i love lamped me, LeBron will win his 3rd ring, because the Cavs are beating the Thunder in 5…

    • I’m 94 percent sure if someone of their color was featured in this film, Sham’s entire blog would be the exact same, just with different images. So…bye.

    • Cleojonz

      “I guess their hair lines are more important than the fact that a mainstream big budget superhero action movie actually had more than the token corny Brother in a blockbuster superhero movie playing second fiddle.”

      Really? I’m pretty sure that was the point of the article in the first place. It’s already been addressed. It’s Friday and we are all just having fun avoiding work. Since you went from there to joking about the two piece I’m going to hope this is some weird kind of sarcasm and you aren’t being serious.

    • God Shammgod

      If you knew my dating history, you would know why that first sentence is HEE-LARIOUS

      • Alpha Man 06

        Sham, I was only joking, because I know you have love for all the Bros, regardless of complexion. However, apparently my post touched a nerve with others, which is strange for VSB. Considering Damon and Panama always joke about dark skin, light skin this and that. Even the comments upstream take notes of the Dark complexion of the three Brothers in the movie and color casting in Hollywood. Oh well, better luck with your country boy…he better do you right.

    • Animate

      Go pay your chapter dues or something…

      • Alpha Man 06

        Life Member…now get a life and don’t come back at me. Go play with yourself or something….

  • hmmm I’m naturally attracted to #1’s …#3’s usually are attracted to ME…but I feel like I’ll end up with #2.

    • cakes_and_pies

      Number 2 may get on your nerves sometimes, but they’re the most stable.

  • cakes_and_pies

    I’ve dated all three. Number 3 was one of the best and worst times in my dating history. He taught me about video games (metal gear is my all time favorite series), how to smoke cigars, took me dancing, and we both liked working out. But when was on that Nigerian isht, he was insufferable and so were his parents. I’m not Nigerian so it lasted 6 months.

    • My Nigerian ex was first generation American…and VERY Americanized, so he was pretty chill.

      • Yon

        I’ve made exceptions from Americanized Africans but then I have to deal with your insufferable parents. Like I already got my own, that just tewmurch?

        • Yea my ex’s mom was NOT a nice lady. I never met his father cause…sometimes foreign ppls home life be like that.

          • Yon

            Neither was my ex’s mom so I feel your pain. And his Dad was just a h0, but so was mine… and every other African men I grew up around ?

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