The Three Types Of Men You Will Date, Based On The Black Guys In Captain America: Civil War » VSB

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The Three Types Of Men You Will Date, Based On The Black Guys In Captain America: Civil War

Last weekend, I dusted off my sweatpants and trekked to the movies to see the latest Marvel Cinematic Adventure. It was a good comic book movie. Great even. I normally have a hard time sitting in a dark room for over two hours without taking at least one solid nap but I am proud to say that this ragtag group of superheroes had my rapt attention while I was enjoy a $5 Popeyes box.*

I’m not here to spoil plot points. I fully understand that not everyone has seen it yet. (Although I’d like to note that I am firmly #TeamBuckyBeTRIPPINGDawg.) That said, I don’t think I’m ruining anything by pointing out that there are not one, not two, but three Black men who take prominent rolls on the silver screen. To have three fully fleshed out Black characters on the a movie that serve more of a role than “Black guy who only exists when White people need things without any discussed internal motivations” is kind of a big deal and we should all give it its just due.

One thing they didn’t highlight, however, is their personal lives. At minimum we know that one of the three Superheroes dates Black women; what would it be like if they all did?** What kind of men are they outside of their Superhero shenanigans? And how would they mirror the men I meet in line at Popeyes?

1. Sam Wilson/Falcon

falcon

Former athlete that can’t let go of his glory days, so he’s the most insufferable person in every work intramural league. Could have been in “the league” if his knee didn’t blow out his junior year of high school. Refers to current athletes that he may have ran into once during Pop Warner/AAU with the familiarity of someone who’s actual friends with them. Signs up for Spartan Runs year round. Wants to find the love of his life in a Crossfit box. Drops and does 10 push-ups before every photo.

2. War Machine

war machine

Dude that talks a big game but ultimately is middle management. Takes a lot of photos at big fancy galas with people who are way more important than him. Falls inline with whatever’s on the TPS report but pretends he’s thought it over and it’s the most reasonable decision to make. Says stuff like “you don’t understand until you been through it” and rattles off memorized statements about the significance of history and legacy and service when all you asked was why there were still grown men strolling at Happy Hour. Has a “nonstandard” MLK quote as a signature to all of his emails. Thinks J. Cole is underrated. Wants someone to go to “Nerd Prom” with.

3. T’Challa/Black Panther

black panther

First generation dude with wealthy parents and went to elite international private schools with far better resources than their American counterparts. Talks a lot of shit with the credentials to back it up. Consistently presumes himself to be the smartest person in the room. Expresses befuddlement as to why “you Americans” do things a certain way approximately once a week. Insists his country makes the best Jollof. Relaxes in the back of Afrobeats party with Johnnie Walker. His way or the highway at all times. Eternal question marks around his actual relationship status. Rumor is he has a girl in the Victoria Island section of Lagos (pronounced Lay-gos, not Lah-gos like in the movie), but you’ll never ask and he’ll never tell. Requires a woman with multiple degrees who will still make pounded yam and bear his children. Manchester City fan.

Which door would you pick? 1,2, or 3? Important note: while all of these men have their own very unique personalities and quirks they all share one thing in common (besides consistently coming together to save the Earth from pending extinction that is): a highly questionable relationship with their barbers.

*Don’t judge – the movie ticket was TWENTY TWO AMERICAN DOLLARS – I was entitled to a spicy two-piece and a biscuit.

**Listen, I don’t read comics, nor do I plan to — so maybe they all got girlfriends named Toya; I wouldn’t know either way. Work with me here.

Shamira Ibrahim

Shamira is a twentysomething New Yorker who likes all things Dipset. You can join her in waxing poetically about chicken, Cam'ron, and gentrification (gotta have some balance) under the influence of varying amounts of brown liquor at her semi-monthly blog, shamspam.tumblr.com

  • themightiest

    I’ve seen this movie 3 times and each time I was baffled that three black men got on screen with no line ups.

    • Epsilonicus

      #HeroesNeedNoShapeUp

    • Nik White

      There are no Black barbers in that universe or Popeyes!

    • God Shammgod

      Two of them are military men. Like what gives???

      • A significant portion of the Black male Marvel and DC superheroes are either current or former military men.

      • Many male characters are.

      • Kas

        Assuming you are trying to put the square peg in the round hole of ex-military men with bad haircuts?

    • brothaskeeper

      It’s too high maintenance with the headgear, I guess. They need the SelfCut System if time is an issue.

    • Haaaaaaaaa!!!!

    • Cleojonz

      They ALWAYS give black men bad hair in movies though. Look at the array of awful wigs Forrest and Samuel L. have worn. They somehow let Morgan just have his same ol’ electric company hair for some reason.

      • QueLoQue

        This is definitely a thing for Black. If you wanna talk about bad wigs, look no further than Michonne. After three seasons of this I would have just started growing my own dreads

        • I can forgive the locs. Michonne and Sasha are the only Black women left at the end of the world. Ain’t no one got time for a retwist while fighting zombies and looking after Rick’s dumb a$$.

  • miss t-lee

    All three of these kats sound insufferable.

    • Epsilonicus

      They are. Even as friends

      • TheCollinB

        Every time they start to speak you just be like “this fuckin guy…”

        • ChokeOnThisTea

          Ha. So, it’s not just us women who can’t take them? But they swear it’s everyone else with the problem. ?

          • Jennifer

            More proof they’re insufferable.

      • miss t-lee

        Godspeed.

      • brothaskeeper

        Faculty b-ball is the worst. I play with all Sam Wilsons.

      • ChokeOnThisTea

        HA!!

    • They are.

      • miss t-lee

        I knew it.

  • OmoNoni

    You should go with the Nai..sorry ehm T’Challa

  • Karine1976

    I know several T’Challas. Also, I’m here for Steve Rogers.

    • NCDancer

      I’ve dated several T’Challas. And Cap can get it.

    • God Shammgod

      #TeamChrisEvansBicep

      • Damon Young

        #teamblackwidowunderboob

        • TheCollinB

          Round of applause to Captain Savage aka Funeral Crasher Cap who immediately after burying his old age boo started shooting from the perimeter with her niece.

          • Damon Young

            that was definitely some sh*t drake would release a song about

            • KB

              This will be my new phrase to describe men who engage in petty, emotional ish

          • brothaskeeper

            I had nary a qualm with his modus.

          • That’s how I always knew Steve Rogers was grimey deep down. He was always more like Wolverine than he wanted to admit. Tony Stark would have shot up the club while the auntie was still alive though.

            • TheCollinB

              Stark had savage built into his suit. Like, he was two seconds off knockin Parker’s Aunty down in the kitchen while eatin one of her cookies

              • He blackmailed that kid into joining up.

                “Come with me to Germany or I’ll bang your aunt and never call again.”

          • MsKeisha23

            In the theater, I’m like, “ok so I can’t be the only one a little disturbed by that?!?!?”

            • TheCollinB

              N*gga is a heathen of Old Testament proportion

              • Michelle

                I am trying not to create the ugliest laugh ever, right now.

        • brothaskeeper

          I regret that I have but one upvote to give for your comment.

      • OSHH

        I liked him back when he was Johnny Storm.

      • TheCollinB

        I’m pretty sure hours of onset flexing for no damb reason at all got that scene added. Ima let you cook tho.

    • Qris_10

      Yes! The helicopter scene……wowsers, those biceps

  • Leggy

    Well, most Nigerian men are 3 sooooo that’s my pick.

  • TheCollinB

    Whyyyyyyyy do n*ggas in movies have so much juice in their hair and look like they got a mortician to do their haircuts?!

  • Buster Cannon

    That said, I don’t think I’m ruining anything by pointing out that there are not one, not two, but three Black men who take prominent rolls on the silver screen. To have three fully fleshed out Black characters on the a movie that serve more of a role than “Black guy who only exists when White people need things without any discussed internal motivations” is kind of a big deal and we should all give it its just due.

    Got a chance to see this movie last weekend, and loved it! Easily the best MCU film to date.

    Towards the end of the “tunnel scene” (if you saw the movie you know what I’m talking about), you see all 3 black characters for the first time together, and I’m like “wow, this is the blackest superhero movie I’ve ever seen”. None of them fit the token “black best friend” role either, they’re all just as important to the plot advancement as the other characters.

    Between this, the upcoming Black Panther movie, and Luke Cage getting a solo series, I’m hype! I think a Blue Marvel film adaptation would be great too. The storyline is a really interesting fusion of the Civil Rights era and superhero politics.

    • TheCollinB

      I don’t Stan for marvel but the way they’re rolling out the black panther with the comic and upcoming film I can’t promise I won’t be out here taking karate classes and faking African accents and changing my gram locations to Wakanda.

      • Gbadebo

        I’m already looking for Black Panther costumes for Halloween, bringing up my consistency in the gym, and perfecting the Nigerian accent I don’t actually have….but it is my birthright

        • Cleojonz

          My brother is a crazy cosplay fan who goes to conventions so Halloween is a BIG deal for him. He’s already cooking up what his costume will be and I told him that of course it had to be Black Panther. His niche is to add some kind of steam punk flair to his costumes so I don’t know how he could do that to a Black Panther costume, but I hope he tries.

          • Gbadebo

            saw some SERIOUS masks on etsy already….need to figure out the rest

            • Cleojonz

              What, you don’t want to wear a full catsuit?

              • Gbadebo

                ….I’m not trying to look like a buff, dark-skinned catwoman

                • Cleojonz

                  HA HA HA HA! I see your point. You could be Royal T’Challa then.

                • outlyer06

                  or go with the armored look..

        • TheCollinB

          I feel like I’m gonna say “Give us is free!!!” just because I’m gonna be so extra.

        • cedriclathan

          I did a whole fake Nigerian accent all the way up a ski lift with 2 white folks from Kentucky. A brother from NY, who I met earlier in the week was also on the chairlift. He was dying the whole way. So, I might have that part covered already…

      • Walker62

        I like the name Wakana Collins myself…just saying

    • QueenRaven23

      I loved this movie and I loved that scene. Love it!

    • A.G.

      I mostly agree, but you don’t think Falcon at least quasi-qualifies as a token? Iono, maybe it was his dialogue.

      • Buster Cannon

        For what it’s worth, Falcon quit the Avengers at one point in the comics because he felt that he was the “token black guy” of the group. I didn’t get that impression too much in this movie, but it’d be interesting if Marvel were to play that card somewhere down the line.

        • Didn’t he quit the Avengers because he wasn’t going to be “the black guy” that the Gyrich forced them to have?

          • Buster Cannon

            Yeah, that was it. He didn’t want to fill that role so he got up out of there.

    • outlyer06

      a blue marvel movie would be dope! i also would like to see an modernized version of spawn that movie from the 90’s sucked!

      • Kas

        Spawn was complete and utter trash.

        • Darren Nesbitt

          Please don’t make me look this movie up. I was very young when that came out and it was dope to me. I feel as an adult a lot of movies I saw back then are trash now. lol

          • Kas

            You’re right. It was very dope. I will not be popping any bubbles this day.

    • +1 for the Blue Marvel shoutout. It could work since Marvel has done flashback series like Agent Carter, etc. I think it’d work better as a Netflix series tho but hopefully Marvel starts merging their Netflix properties into the greater MCU.

    • Cula J.

      I’d like to see Denzel play Blue Marvel. I mean, he’s such an obvious choice…

      • Walker62

        See Denzel in the remake of Magnificent 7 coming soon!

    • lissa_the_cocoa

      I know exactly which scene you’re talking about, because that was the scene during which I said kind of loudly “Oh my god, this movie has three black superheroes in it. This movie has THREE BLACK SUPERHEROES in it!!” And you’re right, all three of them are distinct characters with their own personalities and story lines, and none of them is token. This is why I will always be Team Marvel (as opposed to DC).

      Now if they can just start doing some more decent female characters…I’m waiting for that Captain Marvel movie, and they need to do a Black Widow one!

    • Col to see more Black folks represented in international media, but WE still need to be the ones making the money…

  • A.G.

    Lol @ the title of this article. I’m gonna go read it now.

  • Ashton James Brown

    “Manchester City Fan” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM DONE….

  • Yon

    1>2>3. I don’t like African men. But I’m also first generation so…

    • I didn’t date Cuban men either…and I’m 1st Gen from my mami..

      Funny how that works.

    • Lea Thrace

      *daps*

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