as t.i. and tiny continue to prove, romantic relationships aren’t a continual loop of milkshakes, bliss, burps, and glee. sometimes you’re gonna hafta hide your mans gats in your purse, and sometimes you’re gonna need to remind your girl that its probably not the best idea to tell her stylist, “you know what? i’m going to court today, and i wanna look a damn fool. can you make me look like a damn fool”
with this in mind, arguments will occasionally occur. armed with the knowledge that “he aint gonna hit me“, though, some women occasionally break the implied geneva relationship disagreement concordance, boldly crossing the line and committing war crimes by conveniently forgetting about the “untouchables”.
the 4 f’s of fair relationship fighting, each of these subjects have the power to irrevocably damage an otherwise happy coupling, and each need to be avoided at all costs, like e coli…
…and women who remind you of her.
a) fists (since we’re not allowed to hit, any negative discourse about our fighting prowess should be off the table¹.)
b) family (we already know that one of our aunts looks like rick ross. no need for you to bring it up)
c) f*cking (nnte²)
d) funds (trust me.)
in keeping with vsb’s commitment to combat crime, i’ve decided to name two more damaging relationship mistakes women occasionally make.
arguably the best play-by-play man in television history, costas combines a panoramic knowledge of sports with a keen eye for detail and extensive vocabulary, qualities ensuring that the viewers know exactly whats going on at all times. he misses nothing. no detail or occurrence is too minute or insignificant to share…a fact also making him the patron saint of annoying girlfriends.
while we understand that women generally need avenues to verbally emote, there’s a fine line between “fishing for innocent feedback” and “scooping the salon with every salacious relationship specific like sandra rose“.
your moms doesn’t need to know about his strange weekend “dusk slobbers” and every minute disagreement you’ve ever had, and, if you actually want to keep your man from eventually f*cking one of your friends, your lonely ass girls don’t need to be briefed with every bottom-line banality of your bi-weekly bedroom back-breakings
you’re in a relationship with one person…not one-third of your blackberry’s address book, and every bit of publicly shared “tmi” slowly tears away from your foundation like club mist and cvs eyeliner
disturbing the peace
hourly even. i will not deny this. sh*t, i’m texting a pseudo-lie to three separate people while i’m writing this sentence³.
despite these admittedly troubling facts, our white lies are our most chivalrous act, our way of protecting you all from windmills, waterfalls, white women, and our burgeoning p*rn addictions, and its a relationship death knell to worry yourself over every minor inconsistency. i mean, think about it: do you really want us to tell you the truth about everything?
do you really need to know that last weekend’s slightly sprained ankle came from stupidly walking into an in ground waterfall when double taking too long at a zoe saldana doppleganger downtown…and not from winning an impromptu dunk contest on a 8 foot rim at the park? is it really paramount for you to know that the missed call you “accidentally” noticed on his iphone last month is from his crazy-ass ex randomly drunk dialing him at 5pm…not his nephew?
nah. i didnt think so.
i could name a few dozen more, but i’m not contractually obligated to reveal anymore until the geneva relationship disagreement concordance is amended.
until then, any additions?
¹unless your name is “shad moss”
²”no need to expound”