ever since adam made the fateful mistake of buying eve a mammoth skin handbag for valentines day when she specifically asked for velociraptor, knowing what and what not to purchase a woman has been one of the toughest questions for a man to ponder
today, as a service from vsb.com, the champ has decided to share the ten worst gifts you can give a woman to hopefully ensure that you vsb’s out there don’t pull an adam and accidentally make your eve’s eden drier than paul mooney
1. your d*ck in the inbox
actually, this applies to all unsolicited pictures of yourself. randomly sharing those gphone cam pics you took in the mirror last week that show off your “perfect goatee” is one of the quickest ways to go from “he’s cool” to “he’s cool, but i think he likes nuts on his chest”
2. a new gym membership and any other out of the blue workout paraphernalia
while its perfectly ok to renew gym memberships or purchase track shoes and treadmills for your girl if she’s already a workout fanatic, bringing up even the faintest hint that she needs to hit the gym is a bad idea on par with “i think “keeping it up with the van gundy’s” would be a great p*rn series” and “wow. that raccoon is so cute. i wonder if it can fit in my mouth”
although herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, crabs creates a cruel and confusing conundrum because of the obvious permanent negative imagery it gives seafoodies.
basically, while the herpe might stall her horse riding and nude sailing days, the coochie crabs will ruin red lobster forever
4. an anonymous drink from across the room the water horse legend of the deep online
***filed under: “bagging techniques that only work in beer commercials or if your last name happens to be elba, kodjoe, champ, clooney, or pitt”***
5. an abortion
hey capitán, when she asked you to be more considerate about sex, “hey, babe. after work lets head down to the abortion clinic. i heard they’re having a special this week, and there’s a chick-fil-a right around the corner” probably isn’t what she had in mind.
my advice: pearl necklace
6. clothes from any store with a “one-size for all” plastic bag.
lets put it this way: if you’re buying her a vsb baby-tee and the sales clerk stuffs it in the same six gallon garbage bag perps use to hide dead hookers on CSI, the thought still counts, but she probably won’t give a f*ck
7. candy from the p*rn store, even if they have a sale on snickers (her favorite)
***filed under: “sh*t the champ had to learn the hard way”***
8. anything that’s breathing (unless she explicitly suggests it)
this includes, pets, exotic plants, big brothers, big sisters applications, and midgets
9. lotion or a new brand of deodorant
unless, of course, you’re training for a marathon and you’re intentionally aiming for three straight months of desert d*ck
10. anything she can use to efficiently plot your demise and/or murder
this includes guns, cutlery, account passwords, bleach, razors, pre-sharpened pencils, darts, the “dexter” box set, and nude pictures of your better looking ex
very smart brothas, sistas, and things named “blackberry molasses”, i know i’m forgetting a few. any suggestions?