Theory & Essay

no returns: the ten worst gifts you can give a woman

dickinaboxwarehouseonecrop

ever since adam made the fateful mistake of buying eve a mammoth skin handbag for valentines day when she specifically asked for velociraptor, knowing what and what not to purchase a woman has been one of the toughest questions for a man to ponder

today, as a service from vsb.com, the champ has decided to share the ten worst gifts you can give a woman to hopefully ensure that you vsb’s out there don’t pull an adam and accidentally make your eve’s eden drier than paul mooney

1. your d*ck in the inbox

actually, this applies to all unsolicited pictures of yourself. randomly sharing those gphone cam pics you took in the mirror last week that show off your “perfect goatee” is one of the quickest ways to go from “he’s cool” to “he’s cool, but i think he likes nuts on his chest”

2. a new gym membership and any other out of the blue workout paraphernalia

while its perfectly ok to renew gym memberships or purchase track shoes and treadmills for your girl if she’s already a workout fanatic, bringing up even the faintest hint that she needs to hit the gym is a bad idea on par with “i think “keeping it up with the van gundy’s” would be a great p*rn series” and “wow. that raccoon is so cute. i wonder if it can fit in my mouth”

3. crabs

although herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, crabs creates a cruel and confusing conundrum because of the obvious permanent negative imagery it gives seafoodies.

basically, while the herpe might stall her horse riding and nude sailing days, the coochie crabs will ruin red lobster forever

barbie as rapunzel movie download

4. an anonymous drink from across the room the water horse legend of the deep online

***filed under: “bagging techniques that only work in beer commercials or if your last name happens to be elba, kodjoe, champ, clooney, or pitt”***

5. an abortion

hey capitán, when she asked you to be more considerate about sex, “hey, babe. after work lets head down to the abortion clinic. i heard they’re having a special this week, and there’s a chick-fil-a right around the corner” probably isn’t what she had in mind.

my advice: pearl necklace

6. clothes from any store with a “one-size for all” plastic bag.

thank-you-plastic-t-shirt-shopping-bag

lets put it this way: if you’re buying her a vsb baby-tee and the sales clerk stuffs it in the same six gallon garbage bag perps use to hide dead hookers on CSI, the thought still counts, but she probably won’t give a f*ck

7. candy from the p*rn store, even if they have a sale on snickers (her favorite)

***filed under: “sh*t the champ had to learn the hard way”***

8.  anything that’s breathing (unless she explicitly suggests it)

this includes, pets, exotic plants, big brothers, big sisters applications, and midgets

9. lotion or a new brand of deodorant

unless, of course, you’re training for a marathon and you’re intentionally aiming for three straight months of desert d*ck

10. anything she can use to efficiently plot your demise and/or murder

this includes guns, cutlery, account passwords, bleach, razors, pre-sharpened pencils, darts, the “dexter” box set, and nude pictures of your better looking ex

very smart brothas, sistas, and things named “blackberry molasses”, i know i’m forgetting a few. any suggestions?

—the champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. And a columnist for EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • Liz

    don’t buy me pots and pans. i get it–you’re hungry.

    • eff yo couch

      @Liz,

      lol, I did this last year for my girls 30th b-day. I keep joking about doing that for about a year and I finally did it. Getting her pots and shyt was the set up for the real gift, which was a Louie hand bag. I wrapped all boxes up. By the time she unwrapped the 6th box of non-stick frying pans, she wanted to bust me upside my head with one of them. lol

      I still don’t she what she was mad for, those pots and pan were expensive. And I must say those non stick frying pans make a mean grilled cheese

      • @eff yo couch,

        And I must say those non stick frying pans make a mean grilled cheese

        this is true. and great pancakes

        • Ivy St.

          @The Champ,
          what do you know about making pancakes or a grill cheese? lol!

        • Ivy St.

          @The Champ,
          what do you know about making pancakes or a grill cheese? lol!

        • @The Champ,

          ya know, I LOVE to cook and have some high end cook ware, so if someone wanted to add a pan or high end blender, pasta maker, etc. to the stash, I’m game.

        • @The Champ,

          ya know, I LOVE to cook and have some high end cook ware, so if someone wanted to add a pan or high end blender, pasta maker, etc. to the stash, I’m game.

        • @The Champ,
          they make good fried egg samiches too lol

        • @The Champ,
          they make good fried egg samiches too lol

      • @eff yo couch,

        And I must say those non stick frying pans make a mean grilled cheese

        this is true. and great pancakes

      • @eff yo couch, yeah, how can you get upset over getting quality cookware?

        • @Panama Jackson, you can never have enough quality cookware…besides, Teflon doesn’t jack you up as much as those old school cast iron skillets.

          • @T. Troy Stewart, Teflon doesn’t jack you up as much unless you cook with it….that stuff is full of toxins….granted a Teflon head lump might be a little less painful than a cast iron head lump.

          • @T. Troy Stewart, Teflon doesn’t jack you up as much unless you cook with it….that stuff is full of toxins….granted a Teflon head lump might be a little less painful than a cast iron head lump.

        • @Panama Jackson, you can never have enough quality cookware…besides, Teflon doesn’t jack you up as much as those old school cast iron skillets.

        • Liz

          @Panama Jackson, Busters. the whole lot of you. buy me some quality cookware on a Sunday. Not my birthday or anniversary or valentine’s day.

          • @Liz, buster deez. lol.

            • @Panama Jackson,

              lol

            • @Panama Jackson,

              lol

            • Liz

              @Panama Jackson, i hate you. both of you!!! watch ur not gonna be able to log in tomorrow!

              login deez.

            • Liz

              @Panama Jackson, i hate you. both of you!!! watch ur not gonna be able to log in tomorrow!

              login deez.

          • @Liz, buster deez. lol.

        • Liz

          @Panama Jackson, Busters. the whole lot of you. buy me some quality cookware on a Sunday. Not my birthday or anniversary or valentine’s day.

        • Me fail english?

          @Panama Jackson,

          lol. Quality cookware is great…363 days of the year. On my bday or Jesus’, I want smthg more fun. How would yall feel if we got yall “quality hand tools” for Christmas

          • @Me fail english?, hell, right about now? i’d love it. i’ve had my eye on a freakin’ reciprocating saw for like two months now. for what reason? i have no clue.

            i stay watching HGTV right now and been wanting to do some home repair!!!

          • @Me fail english?, hell, right about now? i’d love it. i’ve had my eye on a freakin’ reciprocating saw for like two months now. for what reason? i have no clue.

            i stay watching HGTV right now and been wanting to do some home repair!!!

          • @Me fail english?, Yeah-count me in on the quality power tools too. Home ownership is a muh-fugga and what these cats are out here charging for labor has forced a bruh to get more handy…

          • @Me fail english?, Yeah-count me in on the quality power tools too. Home ownership is a muh-fugga and what these cats are out here charging for labor has forced a bruh to get more handy…

        • Me fail english?

          @Panama Jackson,

          lol. Quality cookware is great…363 days of the year. On my bday or Jesus’, I want smthg more fun. How would yall feel if we got yall “quality hand tools” for Christmas

        • @Panama Jackson,

          I concur. I’ll take quality cookware anytime of the day. I love me some kitchen appliances. :)

        • @Panama Jackson,

          I concur. I’ll take quality cookware anytime of the day. I love me some kitchen appliances. :)

      • @eff yo couch, yeah, how can you get upset over getting quality cookware?

    • eff yo couch

      @Liz,

      lol, I did this last year for my girls 30th b-day. I keep joking about doing that for about a year and I finally did it. Getting her pots and shyt was the set up for the real gift, which was a Louie hand bag. I wrapped all boxes up. By the time she unwrapped the 6th box of non-stick frying pans, she wanted to bust me upside my head with one of them. lol

      I still don’t she what she was mad for, those pots and pan were expensive. And I must say those non stick frying pans make a mean grilled cheese

    • Yaa

      @Liz, I think if you are a person that enjoys cooking & he gets you a nice set then he is paying attention!! I would hit my knees giving thanks for a nice Le Creuset set (take that how you want to LOL)

      • Me fail english?

        @Yaa,

        Cooking and hitting the knees, huh? Why would a man let you divorce him?! lol

        • Yaa

          @Me fail english?, EXACTLY…I am friggin catch

        • Yaa

          @Me fail english?, EXACTLY…I am friggin catch

      • Me fail english?

        @Yaa,

        Cooking and hitting the knees, huh? Why would a man let you divorce him?! lol

    • Yaa

      @Liz, I think if you are a person that enjoys cooking & he gets you a nice set then he is paying attention!! I would hit my knees giving thanks for a nice Le Creuset set (take that how you want to LOL)

    • @Liz,

      I actually love getting kitchen appliances… from anybody… Shoot, those KitchenAid mixers can go as high as $400, I’ll take it!

    • @Liz,

      I actually love getting kitchen appliances… from anybody… Shoot, those KitchenAid mixers can go as high as $400, I’ll take it!

  • Liz

    don’t buy me pots and pans. i get it–you’re hungry.

  • RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens

    *sighs* The worst gift I ever received from a dude was a cordless phone – on VALENTINE’S DAY! But yeah, he’s my fiance now – don’t judge me, lol.

    • @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,

      he just wanted to keep you close and sh*t.

    • @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens,

      he just wanted to keep you close and sh*t.

    • @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, if you had said a corded phone maybe…but what with technology in like 2001, some of those cordless phones were quite exciting. they did all kinds of cool sh*t like. i used to love the “flash” button.

      yay!

      • Peysonic Temple #69

        @Panama Jackson, You gonna have to go ahead and puase that “yay!”

      • Peysonic Temple #69

        @Panama Jackson, You gonna have to go ahead and puase that “yay!”

    • @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, if you had said a corded phone maybe…but what with technology in like 2001, some of those cordless phones were quite exciting. they did all kinds of cool sh*t like. i used to love the “flash” button.

      yay!

  • RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens

    *sighs* The worst gift I ever received from a dude was a cordless phone – on VALENTINE’S DAY! But yeah, he’s my fiance now – don’t judge me, lol.

  • RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens

    Champ, I just wanna add that I’m mad at your tags, lol. “crab and crab like subtances”? LMAO – you’s a nut for real!

    • El

      @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, did your phone break that same week? Was it the top of the line cordless? I need more details :p

      • eff yo couch

        @El,

        I agree, was it the free football shape phone you get when you order a subscription to Sports Illustrated?

        I always wanted one of those phones. lol

        • El

          @eff yo couch, LMAO!! You are tripping. Do they still give those? You just took me back in time! Was it a clear phone that lights up when it rings?? I couldn’t resist.

          • RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens

            @El, & eff yo couch,

            See, yall just wrong, lol. It was a funky-butt V-Tech phone – no caller ID screen, no nothing. Just a plain cordless phone. But the point was that it was Valentine’s day, and that’s not really a romantic gift to give – ya dig?

            • El

              @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, I hear you and yes that was some bs! V-tech….classic. V-day is always overrated but we got your point.

            • El

              @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, I hear you and yes that was some bs! V-tech….classic. V-day is always overrated but we got your point.

            • @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, phones are the most.romantic.gifts.ever.

              what says love and romance like “i actually want to talk to you”

              hell, i broke up with two chicks for talking to me when i didnt want them to speak. used to call me with silly sh*t like, “hello” and “can you come pick me up, my car broke down”

              gtfohwtbs.

            • @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, phones are the most.romantic.gifts.ever.

              what says love and romance like “i actually want to talk to you”

              hell, i broke up with two chicks for talking to me when i didnt want them to speak. used to call me with silly sh*t like, “hello” and “can you come pick me up, my car broke down”

              gtfohwtbs.

          • RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens

            @El, & eff yo couch,

            See, yall just wrong, lol. It was a funky-butt V-Tech phone – no caller ID screen, no nothing. Just a plain cordless phone. But the point was that it was Valentine’s day, and that’s not really a romantic gift to give – ya dig?

        • El

          @eff yo couch, LMAO!! You are tripping. Do they still give those? You just took me back in time! Was it a clear phone that lights up when it rings?? I couldn’t resist.

        • @eff yo couch,

          I always wanted one of those phones. lol

          i had a basketball phone from the age of 12 up until 17. whenever it would ring it would light up and go “swish” over and over again

          • Intellectual Hedonist

            @The Champ, stop lying you still have that phone

            • @Intellectual Hedonist,

              you’re right, i do. its stored underneath my bed, right next to your dignity.

            • @Intellectual Hedonist,

              you’re right, i do. its stored underneath my bed, right next to your dignity.

            • Intellectual Hedonist

              @Intellectual Hedonist, my dignity is well in tact and has never been under anyone’s (especially yours) bed. A closet perhaps but never under a bed.

            • Intellectual Hedonist

              @Intellectual Hedonist, my dignity is well in tact and has never been under anyone’s (especially yours) bed. A closet perhaps but never under a bed.

            • 8th Wonder

              you’re right, i do. its stored underneath my bed, right next to your dignity.”

              Aif Wondra~ She was cool n shyt
              1983-2009

            • 8th Wonder

              you’re right, i do. its stored underneath my bed, right next to your dignity.”

              Aif Wondra~ She was cool n shyt
              1983-2009

            • Intellectual Hedonist

              @Intellectual Hedonist, damn 8th how you gonna play me like that I thought we were e-peeps

            • Intellectual Hedonist

              @Intellectual Hedonist, damn 8th how you gonna play me like that I thought we were e-peeps

            • 8th Wonder

              I’m sorry, it was just too funny….I had to die.

            • 8th Wonder

              I’m sorry, it was just too funny….I had to die.

          • Intellectual Hedonist

            @The Champ, stop lying you still have that phone

        • @eff yo couch,

          I always wanted one of those phones. lol

          i had a basketball phone from the age of 12 up until 17. whenever it would ring it would light up and go “swish” over and over again

      • eff yo couch

        @El,

        I agree, was it the free football shape phone you get when you order a subscription to Sports Illustrated?

        I always wanted one of those phones. lol

    • El

      @RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens, did your phone break that same week? Was it the top of the line cordless? I need more details :p

  • RedBeanzNRice w/Collard Greens

    Champ, I just wanna add that I’m mad at your tags, lol. “crab and crab like subtances”? LMAO – you’s a nut for real!

  • Before I make a comment bout this post, I’d like to say that I’m DEVASTATED that I missed the “10 things you should know about SPADES” post. I did all types of wall slides. WHYYY did I have to be tah’d & working??/ WHAYYYYYYYYY???

    *wall slides again*

    Jeebs hold my Dereon glittered gym shoes (with the gold soles) as I scoot down ur aisle in the name of Your FAVVA, you, Meshack, Shadrack and that Billy Goat. Oh I coulda spread my IG all throughout that post!!!

    Mkay i’m done lamenting. Carry on.

    • El

      @Thuggie Luvvie, sorry you missed out on that spades topic the other day. It was classic. Just so happens I had to open up a can of whup a$$ on Sunday at the park. Call me “white girl” all you want. I ran that table!!! And, we bid a boston and made a boston. Man, watch out!!!!!! We the best :-)

      • @El,

        white girl?

        • @The Champ, I was going to call her Teddy Ruxpin

        • @The Champ, I was going to call her Teddy Ruxpin

        • El

          @The Champ, some people think I speak proper. Well, not really some people, just the hood ni**a’s in GA. Because they don’t finish their words and I do, I must be white. **Rolling my eyes at the name**

        • El

          @The Champ, some people think I speak proper. Well, not really some people, just the hood ni**a’s in GA. Because they don’t finish their words and I do, I must be white. **Rolling my eyes at the name**

      • @El,

        white girl?

    • El

      @Thuggie Luvvie, sorry you missed out on that spades topic the other day. It was classic. Just so happens I had to open up a can of whup a$$ on Sunday at the park. Call me “white girl” all you want. I ran that table!!! And, we bid a boston and made a boston. Man, watch out!!!!!! We the best :-)

    • @Thuggie Luvvie, you art forgiven for thine absenceth.

      yay-men.

    • @Thuggie Luvvie, you art forgiven for thine absenceth.

      yay-men.

  • Before I make a comment bout this post, I’d like to say that I’m DEVASTATED that I missed the “10 things you should know about SPADES” post. I did all types of wall slides. WHYYY did I have to be tah’d & working??/ WHAYYYYYYYYY???

    *wall slides again*

    Jeebs hold my Dereon glittered gym shoes (with the gold soles) as I scoot down ur aisle in the name of Your FAVVA, you, Meshack, Shadrack and that Billy Goat. Oh I coulda spread my IG all throughout that post!!!

    Mkay i’m done lamenting. Carry on.

  • Sheffield Swats

    Anything that you already told me you bought for your last girl on her bday/v-day/xmas (and then forgot you told me)…i.e. some “Build-a-bear” b.s., a Bath & Body Works lotion set, or the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. For some reason I’ve dated 2 dudes who tried to recycle game. More disrespectful than not buying sh**.

    @Thuggie Luvie Jeebs hold my Dereon glittered gym shoes (with the gold soles)

    Anything Baby Phat, House o’ Deron, Rocawear, JLo, Apple Bottoms, Vokal, GUnit, or any perfume that smells like a recording artist or herpes-having “heiress”. Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.

    • @Sheffield Swats,

      “Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx”

      Yeah me and them urban youths best not be rocking the same gear.

    • @Sheffield Swats,

      “Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx”

      Yeah me and them urban youths best not be rocking the same gear.

    • El

      @Sheffield Swats, co sign. Do, I look like I advertise for free???? Seriously! Have you ever seen me rock urban gear regularly. Just because I like the way babyphat jeans fit does not mean I need some rocawear, seanjean for women, or applebottoms. *rolling my eyes*

      • JamaicanGirl

        @El, I know thats right, as if i would be caught dead in a coogie dress or applebottom jeans. I wish a ninja would!

        • El

          @JamaicanGirl, actually, my ninja did buy me some applebottom capris. I always have to wear a long shirt when I wear them. CRAZY! But we had a talk so he wont do it again. LOL

        • El

          @JamaicanGirl, actually, my ninja did buy me some applebottom capris. I always have to wear a long shirt when I wear them. CRAZY! But we had a talk so he wont do it again. LOL

      • JamaicanGirl

        @El, I know thats right, as if i would be caught dead in a coogie dress or applebottom jeans. I wish a ninja would!

      • Intellectual Hedonist

        @El, I have apple bottom jeans but only because I got them for free when my girls worked and designed for them… I dont think I have ever worn them, I need to give them to good will.

      • Intellectual Hedonist

        @El, I have apple bottom jeans but only because I got them for free when my girls worked and designed for them… I dont think I have ever worn them, I need to give them to good will.

    • El

      @Sheffield Swats, co sign. Do, I look like I advertise for free???? Seriously! Have you ever seen me rock urban gear regularly. Just because I like the way babyphat jeans fit does not mean I need some rocawear, seanjean for women, or applebottoms. *rolling my eyes*

    • miss t-lee

      @Sheffield Swats,
      “Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.”

      ‘fa sho!!!

    • miss t-lee

      @Sheffield Swats,
      “Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.”

      ‘fa sho!!!

    • @Sheffield Swats,

      For some reason I’ve dated 2 dudes who tried to recycle game

      if it aint broke…

      • Sheffield swats

        @The Champ, prob is, it IS broke. Grrrr. Maybe I’m just exposing my unadulterated hatred of stuffed animals. They’re craptastic.

      • Sheffield swats

        @The Champ, prob is, it IS broke. Grrrr. Maybe I’m just exposing my unadulterated hatred of stuffed animals. They’re craptastic.

    • @Sheffield Swats,

      For some reason I’ve dated 2 dudes who tried to recycle game

      if it aint broke…

    • @Sheffield Swats, Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.

      i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again…there is TOO MUCH FASHION in America right now.

      i blame Ed Hardy and Jim Jones for this. Ed Hardy released those horrid ubercolorful shirts and skin-tight things that made dudes look tatted up…next thing you know everybody’s looking like a damn box of skittles wearing clothes that are 3 sizes too small.

      which is kind of funny since Andre 3000 said on the “walk it out remix” to “take that thing 2 sizes down”

      i hate skinny jeans. and american apparel.

      and jim jones wore ed hardy so he’s to blame.

      actually, i blame Harlem.

      • @Panama Jackson,

        its it ironic that the most homophobic rap crew in hip-hop history helped to spare head the extra medium age we’re in now?

        • Dante_Alexander

          @The Champ,

          In a totally unrelated note, has anyone ever noticed the latent homo-ness of “The Chronic”?

          Blasphemous? No. Not at all.

          Listen to Dre Day. I can’t tell you how I felt actually thinking about those lyrics.

          Prison Gay, the whole lot.

          Anyway, Gangstaliscious and the rest of DipSet are solely to blame for many things. Among them: Global Warming, Ms. Cleo, and airbrushed Timbs.

          • @Dante_Alexander,

            In a totally unrelated note, has anyone ever noticed the latent homo-ness of “The Chronic”?

            well, i do think there was/is a dr.dre=gay rumor floating around. maybe he was trying to send a different type of message

          • @Dante_Alexander,

            In a totally unrelated note, has anyone ever noticed the latent homo-ness of “The Chronic”?

            well, i do think there was/is a dr.dre=gay rumor floating around. maybe he was trying to send a different type of message

        • Dante_Alexander

          @The Champ,

          In a totally unrelated note, has anyone ever noticed the latent homo-ness of “The Chronic”?

          Blasphemous? No. Not at all.

          Listen to Dre Day. I can’t tell you how I felt actually thinking about those lyrics.

          Prison Gay, the whole lot.

          Anyway, Gangstaliscious and the rest of DipSet are solely to blame for many things. Among them: Global Warming, Ms. Cleo, and airbrushed Timbs.

      • @Panama Jackson,

        its it ironic that the most homophobic rap crew in hip-hop history helped to spare head the extra medium age we’re in now?

    • @Sheffield Swats, Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.

      i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again…there is TOO MUCH FASHION in America right now.

      i blame Ed Hardy and Jim Jones for this. Ed Hardy released those horrid ubercolorful shirts and skin-tight things that made dudes look tatted up…next thing you know everybody’s looking like a damn box of skittles wearing clothes that are 3 sizes too small.

      which is kind of funny since Andre 3000 said on the “walk it out remix” to “take that thing 2 sizes down”

      i hate skinny jeans. and american apparel.

      and jim jones wore ed hardy so he’s to blame.

      actually, i blame Harlem.

  • Sheffield Swats

    Anything that you already told me you bought for your last girl on her bday/v-day/xmas (and then forgot you told me)…i.e. some “Build-a-bear” b.s., a Bath & Body Works lotion set, or the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. For some reason I’ve dated 2 dudes who tried to recycle game. More disrespectful than not buying sh**.

    @Thuggie Luvie Jeebs hold my Dereon glittered gym shoes (with the gold soles)

    Anything Baby Phat, House o’ Deron, Rocawear, JLo, Apple Bottoms, Vokal, GUnit, or any perfume that smells like a recording artist or herpes-having “heiress”. Matter of fact, drive by an inner city high school….don’t buy me anything that the class of 2010 is wearing. Thx.

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